Huh… so there actually IS a website for that / A simple trick fixes a major issue / Where controllers go to ‘die’ / Malice’s relationship issues

Posted on 05-02-2022 by Benie

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Huh… so there actually IS a website for that
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So this is a subject I’ve never talked about. Hell, even thinking of it sounds odd. But given for the fact my father has been gone for two years now.. and the slow but steady increases of stress between myself and my mother, this is a subject that needs to be talked about.

And that is, of doing what I should’ve done when I was 18-years-old: move out and into an apartment.
But a lot has stopped me from doing so. Being unsure if I would actually make it on my own. Not having a job (you might need credit even if you’re just leasing an apartment). Plus I’ve truly never done the research. That ‘joke’ that school doesn’t teach us ‘how to adult’ is very much not a joke. Apart from job training, that’s it. At least in my school when I was in my mid to late teenager years in the early 90’s, we were never taught this. Hell the internet wasn’t really a teaching tool until they put us on Macs. ..Ohh the memories of learning stuff on the early MacOS. But I digress.
Fast forward from those days to now, for the longest time I didn’t even know where to start looking for an apartment.. or even what I should be looking for. I’ve wanted a ‘one stop shop’ for finding an apartment that matches your wants and needs, like an ‘apartment finder’ website.
And no this is in no means sponsored (just wanted to make this clear), but I literally found just what I was looking for from a simple Google search: ApartmentFinder.com. It finds where you are in the US and matches you to local apartment complexes, showing you the best deal for your buck (#NotSponsored if the first time I said this wasn’t clear to you).
Use code ‘BeniesBlogs’ to save 10% off your first lease. 😀 (Joking. Such code doesn’t exist)

Anyway, given how I feel an apartment that’s at least $700/mo shouldn’t be too painful on my monthly check (that also has 1 Bedroom and 1 Bathroom), I did some searching and found a surprisingly nice apartment in ‘The Woods’ for $719/mo, a local complex near a Meijer in my city. And what it says about it, it’s almost like.. living on your own. A two floor apartment with a nice view. Hell, I can’t stop thinking about it. It reminds me of that area of Wurm, in Xanadu that has independent housing (with all the trees).
It includes everything too! Even being ‘cable ready’ and ‘high speed internet access’. It seems to be included in the price.
–
Four things though, stop me from doing this (including the “too good to be true” aspect);
1. How am I going to move my furniture to the new apartment, when I can’t drive?
2. ‘The Woods’ is the apartment complex my parents lived in (and fucked in) to conceive me. …I dunno.
3. Most apartment complexes require a credit check. And you need to work for a really long time to have credit.
4. Is this really, well, “ethical” to do this to my mother? I don’t want her to be alone, yet at the same time she drives me insane constantly wanting things.
4a. …Mother’s cats. Who’s going to feed them when she passes away? Can I really live with the guilt when they starve to death? No. Of course not.

Possibly the biggest issue is I need credit for them to run a credit check (even for renting an apartment). I did Google elsewhere that you can have a ‘co-signer’ who has credit to do this for you. My mother never worked long enough to have credit, and WildBoy (my closest friend IRL), also doesn’t have credit.
There’s also the matter with my mother (and her cats). Although this is the main reason why I wanna move out, I can’t do that to them. It just isn’t right. Who’s going to feed the cats and change their litter box when my mother passes away? It’ll have to be me, of course. They would starve without me.
I couldn’t live with that guilt.
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A simple trick fixes a major issue
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Had an issue that I’m not 100% sure if it’s fixed, but when the issue happened… I didn’t know what to think. Just trying to turn my computer on, and… it didn’t want to turn on.
Checked the usual suspect, the FPCs (Front Panel Connectors). They were all in. It didn’t make sense. I tried pushing them all in like I usually do, and that usually fixes it.. not this time.
Started assuming it must’ve been an overload when I was sleeping that my UPS wasn’t able to catch in time and fried my PSU and fried all my hardware.. UGH it didn’t look good!!
So I tried the switch on the back from off and on, hit the power button again.. and my jaw dropped to the floor when I saw my computer coming back to life.. AND like nothing happened to it. Stood there, frozen in complete shock for the longest time as Windows loaded. The first thing I said was “HOLY FUCK!!” (my nerves were pretty shot from the whole ordeal).
So let’s see. That was the.. second time the ole “did you turn it off and back on
again?” worked. My mother believes it might be the wall outlet, as she said my father had this same issue.
Computer’s been working fine since then, though now everytime I prepare to boot it up I keep saying “please boot please boot please boot..”, and so far it’s been working. Gotta hope it stays like that, you know?
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Where controllers go to ‘die’
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I’m sure a lot of you would answer with a resounding “yes” upon asking you if you ever felt really.. evil to make a joke over your friend’s misfortune, yet you also know karma will likely bite you in the ass later on (but you feel it’s ‘worth it’).
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That friend is Jero, and going by the title.. he’s had a history of controllers going bad on him. Mainly drifting issues with his left controller. However, the issue he’s having now, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t really mind having the drifting issue instead.
What he tells me, is the left thumb stick (he uses Index controllers) at times says “I’m being used!” when it’s not actually being used (and vice versa). There’s a short
somewhere, and this causes him to completely freeze in place. What’s worse, it’s also affecting his right controller.
Now normally, he would be able to contact Valve and get an RMA. The last time, this
really… and I mean REALLY blew my fucking mind. I’m a full blooded American, and where they make the Index is right here in America. I’m also within my 1-year warranty. But Valve, didn’t want to help me because I cannot drive and get my ass up to a god
damn FedEx Store. ..YET… YET they help a British guy, who’s NOT within their warranty. Infact his was bought 2nd hand from eBay. I bought mine, straight through Steam.
WHAT. THE. FUCK, VALVE?! *sighs*.. But anyway, Jero also ‘forgot’ to send in the broken controller after receiving the RMA’d one.. the VERY FUCKING THING I BEGGED VALVE TO HELP ME WITH, and they refused!!
They help a British guy, but they couldn’t help a full blooded AMERICAN?! Ohh I see how it is, Valve. Fucking UK favoritism.
…However, I might had possibly dodged a bullet when I bought that brand new replacement right controller. Because the RMA’d controller Jero has, is the one that’s having issues. ..Oof. RMA? More like “let’s send our ‘loyal customer’ a barely working controller that will fail in 6 months.”
Jero though (after doing research on how to open an Index controller), believes it may’ve been his fault for the malfunction. Says he accidentally left it in a spot where it got heated up and may had “melted a wire”. He thinks (and I hope for his sake) he can fix this by taking out the ‘working’ stick from the old controller (that he didn’t send to Valve) and replace it.
Once I have an update from him if he was able to (or not) fix the problem, I will pass it along to you folks.
Wish him the best of luck to fixing this issue. He doesn’t deserve to have this ‘curse’ of controllers malfunctioning placed upon him.
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Malice’s relationship issues
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Welp, time to talk about this mess. Now I thought this was going to be simple, but I fear, I fear this is going to get worse. And I.. pray I didn’t give Malice the wrong info. That’s what scares me the most in this, that I’m going to be blamed by his friends who were involved in this mess, that I wasn’t being ‘completely truthful’.
I also.. really.. REALLY hope this thing doesn’t lead to Malice dumping Jelly and seeing me as ‘boyfriend material’. All I can say is Jelly’s going to need to do some serious apologizing to win back Malice’s trust.
This whole thing started with Malice saying he “has no more weed”. I’m thinking “great. That means your seizures are going to come back…”, and what I think may’ve happened a few hours later was a ‘weed withdraw’ (maybe. I dunno. I’m no expert on the
subject).
He laid down and told me to lay down too, so I did. He told me the reason why: his ex. The two lived with eachother IRL. He was a switch back then and did the ‘giving’. After it was done, the two laid on eachother for the longest time. And of course I started getting a
bit.. uncomfortable he was laying on me. Kept my opinions to myself though. As time went on, Malice started becoming unstable, saying he’s “tired of lying in a bed alone”. I tried to cheer him up, telling him that “you and Jelly will live together” and he’ll “never have to be lonely again”…but it wasn’t really working. Infact it was making him even more
unstable, more upset. I then heard him talk to Jelly under his breath.
Though I never wrote about this, for weeks I’ve noticed a pretty rocky relationship between him and Jelly. When Jelly leaves for no reason (mainly). But what happened last night could be what breaks their relationship.. which will be explained in mere moments.

So anyway, Malice is getting more unstable. He checks his watch and freaks out when he sees his heart rate is at 145 bpm. GEEZUS. I’m trying to calm him down the best I can, while Jelly and LegalSeagulll have no idea what’s going on, nor do I tell them “Malice has a high heart rate”. Instead I tell him that Malice is really stressed out and you guys need to be there for him.
But they both stand there, silent after I said this. I had asked this several times
that Malice needs love and cuddles because he’s really stressed out. Again, nothing. So I thought “well if these two won’t do anything, then I’ll bring Malice to the couch outside and comfort him there.” And that’s what I attempted to do. It took a few tries
but Malice finally followed me.
About 5-10 minutes later, I see Jelly coming over. I said “you can be here, I’m just trying to keep Malice calm”. Jelly stares at the mirror, looking away from us. Plus he says
he’s “going to bed soon”. …Your BF is in pain and you’re leaving?! WTF, dude?! He needs you!! YOU especially, Jelly! I shouldn’t need be the one comforting your BF! YOU should!!
It’s like he forgot what the definition of ‘commitment’ is. But I didn’t say anything to him except “don’t you want to say goodnight to your BF?”
At first he didn’t understand me, so I said it again. But instead of him.. again, being with his BF, he has the nerve to say “I’m busy, I will in a minute”. This took five minutes. And then, he very slowly turns around to face me and Malice. Stares at me for the longest time like “what are you doing with my BF!?”, while I stare at him back like “Yes, what AM I doing with YOUR Bf? ..Your fucking job as a lover! That’s what!”, then gets up and finally says goodnight to Malice.
But by then it was too late as Malice fell asleep while still laying on me, and Jelly starts asking me “is he asleep?”. I said “yes”, then I said “I’ll let him know that you said ‘I love you'”.
He walks off after that. About a minute later, he comes back. He seems much more calm and caring now (going by the tone of his voice). He thanks me for being here
for Malice, then he says that he has “a hard time expressing empathy”. Claims he does care, but apparently empathy isn’t caring about others and showing compassion (when I almost had an argument with him trying to say ‘compassion = empathy’ but told myself
to “fuck it”.. because it’s not worth having an argument with him when Malice is trying to sleep).
Then he said “I love you Benie. I love you Malice”, then left afterwards. Legal showed up shortly after. (Hopefully) assuming Malice was actually asleep, I asked him to keep this entire thing I told him of a rocky relationship between Malice and Jelly.
With Malice asleep and it nearly 6 in the morning, I too needed to go to bed. I would had slept in VR with Malice, but…
1. I don’t want to break my headset.
2. Don’t want my mother to be all “why are you still on your computer?!”
Instead, Legal did it for me. So that was nice of him. Glad he felt remorse, unlike Jelly.

And now you see why I feel there’s a medium to almost high chance their relationship will fall apart. Jelly’s really going to have to improve if he wants their relationship to stay alive.
I feel Malice is going to stay off of VRChat for awhile. He needs to anyway. But like I said earlier, what scares me is he’s going to see me as ‘boyfriend material’ (even though I’m not looking, as I don’t feel I’d be a good BF for him).
If you feel “nah, you can handle it”, then you’re new around here. Or, you don’t know that I have left when Malice falls asleep (to go see other friends).
—
Malice himself also has issues he needs to fix, as in to STOP falling asleep in VR. He does this every time when he’s high and it gets annoying. That’s one thing Jelly and I do agree with.

.
I really hope I’m not going to witness (or hear about) the breakup between those two (if it happens at all). I don’t want to be responsible in ANY way of this. And honestly I shouldn’t had been all ‘team Malice’ either.
Thing is, even if I didn’t open up my mouth for them to help him, Malice still saw everything that happened. So he is literally my witness if his friends try to come after me.
I don’t think they will though. Malice can handle it, even though he’s mentally unstable right now.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Huh… so there actually IS a website for that / A simple trick fixes a major issue / Where controllers go to ‘die’ / Malice’s relationship issues

When Mibit doesn’t get it / “I felt Mibit was going to take you away from me…”

Posted on 04-25-2022 by Benie

Before I start this one, some good news and understandable news (of the same person).
Good news: Jero has come back to VRChat after 2+ weeks of non-stop working.
Understandable news: He came back to clear his head over what happened to two of his friends, that I must make classified until I have permission to give this out.

Now, on to the blog post. I want to get this all wrote down before I forget it.
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When Mibit doesn’t get it
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Referencing news in this post, about Mibit wanting to help by making me an awtter based off of my sona. A few days ago he told me “I know how to add the lines”. And I felt “nice, it might actually start to look like my sona for once”. ..But the next day he said “I can’t do the lines because of the clothing”, and I’m like “that’s fine Mibit, don’t worry about it.” I was trying to direct this to “if you can’t do the lines, I don’t want the model. Because this looks nothing like my sona. No offense man.”
But he wasn’t getting the idea. Was forced to be more direct when he asked me what I want to name it. ..Again, he wasn’t getting I didn’t want it. Then he said “I’m asking something new”. I thought “wait, he’s trying something new? Mmm, fine fine. Ok Mibit.” Maybe he’ll surprise me.
My usual time came and he asked if I was on. Told him no as I was getting ready. But I wasn’t getting on for him. I was getting on for Jero, as he said he ‘will’ be on that
night.
Then I had the idea “well if he’s already uploaded it, then all I had to do is make
myself DND and check out the model in peace.” …But I forgot that’s not how it works when the avatar isn’t uploaded to your account. Fuck! After making myself Green status again, I felt so damn grumpy saying “ugh, I don’t want do to this. I don’t want to deal with him”. But also said “…let’s just get this damn thing over with. Maybe he’ll surprise you.”
Ohh, he ‘surprised’ me alright. Apparently he had to do a separate project just for this model. I find that dumb (could’ve just made a different scene) but whatever, and this broke the eyes. And another reason why he couldn’t do the lines is because MS Paint doesn’t have a mirror feature. ..No shit! Because Paint isn’t designed for texture
sheets! Use Gimp! It’s FREE!!
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And then Jero comes on. ..Ohh god. If he sees me in this.. this thing that looks like something a 5-year-old fan of my sona did. Did chuckle when I saw the avatar’s eyes almost roll in the back of its head. My thoughts exactly.
Then Jero joined and saw my new avatar. I’m like “hi..Jero. So this guy did this for me.” Can’t remember exactly what he said outside of the “hey X” intros, but I do of him saying to me “one of us! One of us!” And I feel like “kill. me. now”. The whole otter thing just doesn’t scream ‘me’! Especially this ugly texture sheet for it! I wanted to tell Jero the truth so much… but I couldn’t infront of Mibit. 😛
And they just kept talking, and talking, and talking. I kept quiet, having ‘nothing nice to say’ about the conversation. Then by 10pm, Mibit says “ah, it’s 10pm. It’s HORNY time!”
REALLY?!?! In MY homeworld, you gotta be horny, when I wanna talk to Jero but I can’t because of you?! He pulls out his dildo and goes right to work. And I go to the couch outside, saying “Alexa, play 90’s Alternative and Grunge” to blurt out sounds I was hearing over there. And Jero was encouraging it.
Was hearing a modernified song of American Woman. In my head I wanted to
replace ‘woman’ with ‘Jero’. Especially when it got to the part where the guy’s all “I gotta get away! I gotta LEAVE!”, and my finger was on the ‘Go Home’ button to do a new instance of this world. Wanted to press it but kept resisting, thinking anytime Jero’s going to come over and we can talk in private without Mibit listening. But from what I was told about this world, that’s not possible. I can hear them from all the way on the other side of the world.
Jero did come over, but only after I decided to look down the hall staring at them and heard him say “I can see you over there through the mirror”, and asked me to come over because Mibit’s “about to make a deal” on a Lovesense toy. And I say “joy..” under my breath as I float my way back over to them.
After Mibit bought the toy, the two asked me if I was going to get one. I thought “…really?” and said “nah”. Jero said “I thought you were into those”. Uhh.. no? “You might be thinking of someone else”. Honestly I have never once said (or hinted) that to him that I was interested in those things. Infact… I can’t, not with my watchdog mother still around.
I wish Mibit luck in him sneaking this thing past his anti-bi family.
Time passed. I heard Jero say “it’s 5am, I really need to go to bed”, then Mibit
saying “same”. I went to go use the bathroom, thinking when I get back… they’ll both be gone (and I would be so.. not happy). When I did come back and checked VRCX (without putting on my headset), they were still on. And they’ve been here for over two hours now. I was shocked they didn’t leave, as I could’ve sworn when I was on the toilet I
heard JoinNotifier’s ‘player left’ sound play twice. But I didn’t say anything to them. But I did go back to the outside couch when I heard Jero wanting to hear more of Mibit’s dildo. Blech..

Later, I went back to this area again when I saw Mibit showing Jero his favorite
music (that sounds like a machine gun constantly firing). ..That’s not music. That’s just noise.
A few minutes after that, both of them went over to me and talked. Now it’s 7am for Jero and he said he needs to go to bed, and Mibit said the same. Yet they never did, as much as I wanted to beg them to just go… and stop wasting my fucking time.
Then I had an idea. Since they’re both heading off, I grabbed my phone and started making a voice message to Jero explaining what I wanted to say but can’t with Mibit here.
Mibit was trying to get Jero to leave with him, I noticed. Even going as far as saying “we’ll stay here while your controller batteries die”.
But soon Mibit left first.
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“I felt Mibit was going to take you away from me…”
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Jero stayed. I waited a bit, expecting him to say “night night, Benie”. He didn’t. Then I
said “since you’re heading to bed, I left a message in Telegram for you. It’ll explain everything”. Then he asked me “…are you sure you’re OK?” I lied, said I’m fine and to check the message in Telegram.
What’s it to you? I thought you had to leave with Mibit. But…, Jero didn’t leave. I couldn’t understand why for the longest time. He just kept asking me if I’m ok and if it
was “anything bad”.
I eventually sighed and started explaining everything, feeling ashamed of the way I acted. But when I noticed Jero didn’t feel embarrassed, I kept on explaining. ..He wanted me to do this, as he was genuinely worried about me. He knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. And he wasn’t about to leave until he knew. He thought it was something he said, but it wasn’t that.
No, it was all because of Mibit. But it also didn’t really help when he said that him and Mibit have similar interests and are “the same age”. My mind thought “alright, there we go. I’ve lost him”.
Looking back at that, I..I shouldn’t had felt that (at all). Need to be more supportive. But it pained me at the same time, you know? I know I need to be supportive if they decide to become lovers (and I will), but at the same time the history keeps bugging me, wishing that if Jero actually lived in America.. that maybe we would be dating again or something I dunno. Just.. FUCK. The memories!! Why’d have to be so… nice yet so full of doubt?!
Either way, he has.. said in the past (which I keep forgetting when I’m like this), that he’ll never leave me as a friend. *sighs*
Frick I hate feeling like this.
–
But on a much lighter note, Jero said that if I want to try to create my sona by myself using the Awtter model, he still has it. Told him “sure”. Then I said “well.. *cough* if you’re going to do that, I wonder if you wouldn’t… you know, mind if I could use your current texture to put it as a doll that I can spawn in, for those.. lonely nights that you aren’t on.”
Told him how pathetic I feel by asking this, but also how …emotional of a person I am and how lonely I get. And he said “sure”.
I’m quite happy over this.

.
I still feel ashamed over the entire thing. I could had handled it a lot better. I should had done the idea a long time ago, just to get it off my chest (so I could move on), and just acted normal around Jero (snuggle him and stuff). But, honestly even if I didn’t feel like I did, I had nothing to say that would had added to the conversation. So I usually keep quiet.
And as for the whole ‘horny time’, I could’ve put my foot down and said “that makes me uncomfortable, please stop”. I have a mouth, I should’ve used it — to say ‘no’. But I also don’t know how Jero would’ve reacted to it.
*sighs* This shit should had never happened. I should had just pretended everything’s fine and had been there, instead of making Jero worried about me. But I kept hoping Mibit would leave, and he fucking didn’t…. instead, I hid. Mainly because Mibit would once again say I ‘hate him because of his ADHD’.

Well, all the “should’ve”‘s aren’t going to undo what happened last night, or even how I actually felt jealous of Mibit. Yes, I did. And it was over two things;
1. Talking about his times in the Dojo or something, I dunno. Going to the men’s locker room and seeing all the stuff that made me almost want to throw up. But this isn’t the real issue. What is, is he can get out there.
2. Saying to me “I’m a top for Jero”. That alone made me feel he was saying “he doesn’t like you anymore, he likes ME. I’m a better top than you were for him!”
…If I had just stepped back and remembered what Jero said to me, that he “will never leave you”, I may had relaxed. Then again, a lot can change in a small time span, you know…? Promises tend to be broken, given the right.. push to break them.
But Jero would never lie to me. He says I’m his “best buddy”. And best buddies don’t lie to eachother. So, the two can’t be secretly dating. He would’ve told me the truth. Right? Yeah! Besides, to lie would cause trust issues. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want
this (and neither do I). So I got to believe him.
But, say they are secretly dating (they just never show it because they know I’d feel jealous). Can I really do anything about it? No. If they are dating (such as one day either Jero or Mibit comes up to me and says “we can no longer lie to you”, I should be supportive. Not jealous. I should be happy for them, and also still remember Jero said
he’ll “never leave me”, as a friend.
*sighs*

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on When Mibit doesn’t get it / “I felt Mibit was going to take you away from me…”

Polymessous

Posted on 04-17-2022 by Benie

Cool title for a blog post, huh? Now it’s time to talk what I mean by it.
Now first off, the title used to go by another name, which was called “You’re under arrest for being too nice!!”, but more of another potential problem has come up that changed it to this.
So let’s get started by what happened last night when I was in VRChat. It continues
my ‘Dutch is an absolute sweetie’ segment from the previous post. Dutch was in the call while telling me how much he loved me in DMs. While I didn’t think much of it, Kovo on the other hand was paying attention to what Dutch was saying in the call. Then he started messaging me saying “oh boy” then “Beware snowflake you my ask you being his group”. I’m all “huh? A group?” I was very confused, and Kovo told me that Dutch’s love to me is more than a friend. …What?! But he’s taken!
“Open relationship” Kovo said. Eventually it hit me and I said “Wait… POLY?!” And Kovo says “You his boyfriend and him”. My mind was like “..no, no no no! I was just trying to be a good friend! Please.. no. God no! No p0lyrelationship!” Kovo was telling me to not
worry, that “you got this”. Did calm down a bit later, feeling “humble” he likes me more than a friend. But please no poly. I don’t want a repeat of what I dealt with in the
past.
The next day (this afternoon), Kovo asked me if I had dealt with Dutch. Told him that I had a perfect plan to get myself out of it. Once he asks, I’ll let him down easy.
A day passed (this afternoon), Kovo tells me Dutch is “jacking off to you”. Okay then. Then he says “you better hope he’s a bottom”. I said “he’s a switch”.
and he hopes he’s a bottom. I said “he’s a switch”, and Kovo’s like “oh fuck”. I saw all of this as being silly funny (since I knew what to do once Dutch asks).
…And then Kovo says something that almost costed our friendship, after showing him what Dutch has been saying to me via a picture. It started off again of what I felt was more silly funny stuff when he said “Oh no I just realized what you did you put a heart at the end oh no no no no”.
Then I felt he wasn’t messing around anymore, feeling that it was ME who made Dutch feel I “wanted more than friendship” by accident (aka giving him the wrong idea). I stopped laughing after that, feeling I was being wrongly blamed for ‘being nice’ (now you see where the original blog post title came from). He’s all “this is why I don’t send
hearts” and stuff like that.
My mind felt like “Kovo, you wouldn’t FUCKING know what love truly meant to you if it bit you in the ASS!!” I genuinely felt I was being insulted for trying to help my friends out.
It didn’t help his cause when he said “you misunderstood”. I was like “FINE.. fine! Ok, so I will act like a jerk to people for now on! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! Going to have to uninstall VRChat and prune my friends lists, and be a fucking jerk to people!” ..I was SO pissed off. I get it Kovo, you don’t know what ‘compassion’ feels like. You never did. You never truly felt love.
Am I wrong for saying this? Yes and Maybe. I mean what I say as relationship wise.

I felt forced to let this go with Dutch sooner than I wanted to (because I actually enjoyed him snuggling me and saying he loved me and had to get rid of it because of Kovo). To be honest I was surprised Dutch didn’t deny what Kovo said, by acting confused. But
no, Kovo was actually telling the truth– Dutch had feelings towards me. And it kind of upsets me that he feels I’m the one that ‘feels bad’ over this. It was actually more so
that I was worried about him.. and hope I didn’t break his heart.
…I likely have because he’s stopped talking to me since then. But you know? Maybe it was better now instead of later (when he might really want me to be in a poly with him and
his BF). Kovo did say Dutch was having a hard time thinking about asking me. So I
feel on that regard, I helped him make that decision. Stay with your BF, Dutch. Stay true to him.
Makes me question if he even went over this with his BF before telling Kovo. I feel the answer is “no”, and it was from feelings instead of thought. …And that’s bad on his part. That could be seen as ‘cheating’.
–
Later, I’m calming down a little but still feel mad at Kovo for ‘not understanding’.
Later, he greatly apologizes for his words, forgetting who I am and what I’ve been through. With him now understanding just how uncompassionate he is, he starts to beat himself up. I really calmed down after that, but once again tried to explain why I like helping my friends. Yet also analogizing that he has.. a bit of a point. Though it’s a point that works for him, just not for me.
So, that’s that between me and Dutch. I still feel bad for him, but I had to do it.

–
Now it’s time to talk about something more recent: Malice and Jelly. See, I was alone binge watching every season, every episode of Legends of Chima, waiting for anyone I like being around me that wants to be invited.
Malice was the first who sent me an invite. He couldn’t see what I was watching and I can’t figure out how to help them do so. I keep running into this problem. Jero’s the only one that knew how to fix it, but I don’t want to disturb him from working.
Anyway, I also forgot Novice wanted to snuggle with me that same night. So now there was Malice, Novice and Jelly. And I wanted to be with Novice, but Jelly kept interfering with this. And it seemed Novice himself had enough of this BS and left (made it look like he crashed).
Anyway, I wanted to watch my show but Jelly kept getting in my face and I felt ‘I’ll just go to the bed viewing room and let them have fun’, and Jelly’s all “noooo Benie don’t leave us! Please watch us!” I say “nah, I don’t watch people have sex thank you. I’ll let you two have fun.”
Did go to that room and kept watching. I felt they were kind of ‘wasting my time’ since they can’t see what I’m watching, plus I was a bit annoyed they made Novice leave. The two did join me but I tried to not be bothered by it anymore. Then Jelly left, and now this is where things get a bit interesting. Malice is all “nooo, why did Jelly leave!? I cry.” I tried to tell him that Jelly “should be back shortly”.
Then he said something about that it’s good that one stays (can’t fully remember word per word what he said), and then said “does this make this polyamorous?” I’m like “uhhhh”.
–
Malice, did you just hint you want to be in a poly with me and Jelly? Because it sure sounded like it. I didn’t bring that up though, and neither did he. But much, much later when Jelly did come back (and Malice was sound asleep from being high), I told him what Malice said. And Jelly wasn’t really that surprised. “I know he hangs out with you quite a lot” he said.
All I’m gonna say is if he brings it up again (to ask me), I’ll have to let him down like I
did Dutch. I don’t want to, but I will if put in that position.

.
So, this has happened twice now. TWICE. All because I was too nice to my friends who have BFs and are willing to ‘cheat’ on them by hoping they would agree to turn their relationship from open into a poly.
That is.. bad. That is not what I want. So maybe.. maybe I should re-think how to approach this. Since Jero’s desperately trying to pay off a loan that’s been taking him pretty much all month to work his ass off, I have to ‘become my own best friend’ and come up with my own solution. And as much as this is going to hurt (because I love the feeling of being loved and snuggled — it’s a kink), I’m going to have to STOP doing this around ones I know who are in an open relationship.
I don’t want them to feel obligated they need to explore what it’s like to be in a poly. I want them to be happy with who they chose to be happy with. However…, they too also need to learn when to stop as well. Because from what I know about being in an open, they still need to stay true to who they made their BF/GF. They can’t go around saying they “love me so much” when they’re supposed to have a commitment with who they really
love.
The fact both Dutch and Malice both were considering to add me to a poly with
their BF, shows there’s a problem with their relationship. I’ve felt this with Malice for awhile now. Then again, it could also be seen as “broadening their horizon”, “trying something new”.. that sort of thing. If that’s the case, it’s best they don’t do that around me. I am not poly material. I do not want to love their BF.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Polymessous

When you hate being right yet it doesn’t bug you / Dutch is an absolute sweetie

Posted on 04-15-2022 by Benie

==============================================================
When you hate being right yet it doesn’t bug you
==============================================================
It’s like I finally saw Kepo’s ‘true side’ of not really being as nice, mainly him (again) not understanding why I’m the way I am, and even taking offense to it. It all came from watching him on Twitch playing Fortnite and later commenting that I agree the guy he was shooting should’ve died, and it’s like “dude, we should totally play”.
I said “I don’t really play Fortnite, sorry.” But thinking he’d ask ‘why’, I told him the reasoning why. Maybe I shouldn’t but someone who would be all “ah well I’d just thought I ask. You don’t have to” would be alright with my decision.
He’s not that kind of someone. Not really feeling offensive mind you, but
just “..why, though?” He defends the game, not bothered with the fact kids ruined it with
their ‘flossing’ and “WE LIKE FORTNITE!! WE LIKE FORTNITE!!” crap. But what he really was unsure of is why I hate Epic Games. Because they’re trying to take over Steam by taking away good games like Borderlands. He though believes “that’s not their
fault, that would be on the publisher”. And he.. is sadly right. I wanted to join the masses who are all “down with Epic Store”, and.. well, I won’t be saying anymore as this is
already Games Blog territory.
Still though, he could’ve handled that a lot better (as in accepting my opinion). But instead of bringing that up, I just kept quiet like I usually do. Shutting up and moving on usually ends an argument you can’t win (and you know saying more would make things worse). But really, I don’t care if he stops talking to me after this point.
–
So let me get to what I mean about the segment. Actually, if you were paying attention, you may had already seen it. But if not, let me help refresh your memory;
Wanting me to play games with you = make or break moment in a potential relationship. It’s like politics or religion. It’s such a touchy subject. And it can destroy friendships. Look what happened when it came to Trump (and the effects are still happening). And sadly it seems to have happened again, all because I don’t like Fortnite and Epic Games (not from personal reasons, I’m siding with media). Yes.. yes it’s a bias opinion. But it’s MY opinion.
And he couldn’t just accept my opinion (why I take everything so seriously) and move
on.
I mean…I get Kepo. He goes with the flow and is chill. I have no problem with these kind of people. Hell, I have no problem with anyone. It’s just.. the people that seem to take  offense on how I live my life. It’s the second time Kepo has done this to me, and it
feels very toxic.
These are the people that I (obviously) stay away from (why I don’t talk about who I
am IRL), and if it happens again.. I’m done talking to him (as that’ll be Strike 3). I don’t need this toxicity in my life. Yet I’m having my doubts if he’ll ever talk to me the way he has been, and that is perfectly fine with me. Pretty sure he’ll need time for ‘me to regain his trust’.
Honestly I should just unfriend and block him, but I will give him one last chance. As afterall, it wasn’t fully his fault. He just didn’t understand.

EDIT: I had a very long ‘talk’ with him (the next day) that was expected to be quite ‘okay there we go. Time to unfriend’, but at the end I feel we’re even closer as friends. I’m
glad, because I got a lot of things wrong about him. And now we finally understand ourselves. As much as I feel what he was saying as ‘toxic’, actually wasn’t. It was… just
me, overreacting (as usual).
He wasn’t trying to shove his opinion about the game or the Epic Store in my face. He wasn’t disrespecting my opinion. …He was only confused. That’s all.
But we needed that talk, to get this off our chests. Hopefully we’re still friends.
==============================================================
Dutch is an absolute sweetie
==============================================================
I know I said this about Kepo and look what happened, and the same could happen here. But it’s slightly different, as DutchPrimagen (aka Snowflake) has a BF. Plus, this is the same guy that has a ‘weee’ bit of a speech impairment. He speaks English, but I can barely understand him. Funny thing is I can hear him better when he’s surprised about something. It’s just something about his mic that makes it difficult.
But there are certain words I can make out, like “love”, “cutie”, and other affectionate words like that. Now Dutch has always been a sweetie, but what happened last night was really sweet.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on When you hate being right yet it doesn’t bug you / Dutch is an absolute sweetie

Hello again, here’s a recap

Posted on 04-13-2022 by Benie

Hey everyone. Once again it has been a long time since I posted anything. The main reason is I’ve been feeling “it’s pointless” to keep talking about myself. Then again I should also see this being my ‘personal journal’ that I decided to not care who reads it. And I do have a few things to say in this personal journal.
First off, I got a new keyboard. My first ‘Unicorn Barf’ (ie: RGB) keyboard, from
Corsair (so it has iCUE compatibility). It’s also a mechanical keyboard (so CLACK CLACK go the keys). It’s something I’ve been wanting for a long time, but couldn’t really find an RGB keyboard that didn’t have macro keys (and couldn’t find one under $100).
But I took another look and found the one I linked. It’s a standard keyboard without the modern bells and whistles I have no need of.
But the main reason why I got this thing wasn’t for the “weeee, colors!!”, but how ‘well’ I take care of my equipment where the letters start to fade away a few weeks after use, and I’m hoping an RGB keyboard.. this won’t happen (and it’ll be the last replacement keyboard I’ll ever need to buy in my life).
However, this keyboard isn’t perfect. I think I should’ve gotten the Low Profile model as my left pinky is usually pressing down on the CTRL key, causing weird shit to happen. I didn’t have this issue with a standard keyboard, but I think that’s because they were Low Profile (to allow my fingers to not accidentally press keys they shouldn’t be.
Plus, I don’t think this thing is spill-proof. So I gotta be real careful with that.

Second thing is I now have something I swore I’d never buy but some good friends talked me into getting one: an Apple Watch (plus a USB Type C to Type A adapter, as the wireless charger uses USB Type C).
I think it’s pretty obvious by now why I never wanted it.. because it measures your vitals. Jero though was the deciding factor, telling me I likely don’t have Diabetes (after telling him the top of my feet and legs are swollen). He said if I did, I’d feel really tired (which I kind of do but it’s mainly from boredom), and be urinating every 10 minutes (thankfully I haven’t).
I got the watch four days earlier than they said I would, and it was free shipping. It pays to live near a state with a distribution center.
When I got the watch, I felt this thing (the moment I put it on), was going to scream “HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE WARNING!!” “HIGH CHOLESTEROL WARNING!!” “ABNORMAL HEART RATE WARNING!!” at me. Caused a lot of anxiety. But once I had the battery fully charged, I thought of just trying it, and I saw my heart rate at a very surprising (but very normal) 85-94 BPM. Ho-lee-FUCK!! So I properly put it on (had a lot of difficulty as the band isn’t exactly of a typical wrist watch), but I figured it out. Went through a lot of ‘fun’ trying to figure out how to get the ECG Test working (which tests your heart rate for Afib). ..And holy fuck that was a tense 30 seconds trying to stay calm and keep my arm still so it can do the test.
But I’m happy to report I tested negative! My heart rhythm is normal! I shared my results to Jero, and he’s pretty sure I’m good. However he tells me what this watch doesn’t do;
—
-Tests your Blood Pressure (the band doesn’t have servos that will tighten it around your wrist to do the test properly. Plus your upper arm is usually where you typically do that).
-Tests your Blood Sugar (you have to prick your finger for that).
-Tests your Cholesterol level (Again, gotta prick your finger).
-Tests your Body Temperature. (a shame, because I was so looking forward to being told by my watch “You have a low-grade fever– you might want to get tested for COVID”).
I tend to have occasional ‘hot flashes’ where it feels like I’m burning up. But I’ve had this for many years (even before COVID). So I really doubt it’s because of that.
—
It does however, test your Blood Oxygen levels. And my blood oxygen is at 97% (which is in the normal range of 95%-100%).

Looking past the health benefits of this $350+ mini computer on my wrist, let’s talk about the other stuff it has.
This thing, has more max storage than my fucking phone (32GB compared to 16GB). That is crazy, and it’s half the price I paid for my refurbished 6s.
But what I don’t like is music apps (if you want to listen to music using your
watch instead of your phone), require you to have Bluetooth compatible headphones or earbuds. What was assumed to be a headphone jack, isn’t. Quite upsetting but not surprising, as this is Apple we’re talking about. Maybe one day I’ll get some Airpods, but right now I don’t really walk or go out that much to justify paying for them. Plus, all of those reports of Airpods falling out of people’s ears and being damaged. You really think that’s worth $200?
So I’m happy at least this watch is mainly used as a ‘companion app’ to your iPhone.
IE: most things you can do on your phone, show up on your watch. Infact you have to have an iPhone to make this thing work. Lucked out it works with any iPhone, like my 6s.

–
So, anything been happening in VRChat lately? Yes. Three and a half things that are note worthy.
First thing: Mibit wanted to make me as an Awtter (not give me the model), which I happily accepted (remembering Jero saying that I’d look cute as one). And so this was the result of him using Paint.net to make the texture sheet (as he doesn’t know about
Gimp).
Before I explain this, I just gotta say: this feels like someone asking me “can I do artwork of your sona?” Like I’m that famous. If I am, that’s pretty awesome. Afterall, I’m (from what I’ve seen so far) the only derg that’s red with blue pokadots.

This feels like “can I do artwork of your sona?” Like I’m that famous. If I am, that’s pretty awesome. Afterall, I’m (from what I’ve seen so far) the only derg that’s red with blue pokadots. But I digress..
So to be fair to him, this is a good attempt of recreating my sona’s colors. But it.. well, it definitely needs some work and I think he knows this, because he asked me as I was typing this if he could work on it next week. I really appreciate this though.
—
2nd thing: Been hanging out with Malice quite a lot, since Jero’s been working his tail off. A few weeks ago, I just happen to be in the right instance at the right time. The world was called ‘Midnight Rooftop’. Blender was even with me, and there was a lot of lewdness going on that I decided to go to the other mirror. Some of the other like-minded individuals joined me. There was this shy guy named ‘KepoWorld’ who was with us. He really warmed up to me and swore it was as if “we’ve knew eachother for a long time”. I honestly just went with it, enjoying the snuggles. But as time passed on, I’ve actually been getting feelings towards him.
And now, he’s no longer talking to me (or has been on VRChat since). Now if you’ve been with me for this long since I started blogging, I’m pretty sure you know why (hint: it was his fault for wanting to know the ‘real me’).
Yet what he said after, quite hurt. I know they say “words may never hurt me”, but even though he claimed “yes this is brutal, but you need to think”. Okay, I don’t need a physical manifestation of my common sense, thank you. Clearly you were never a friend to begin with, to use such ‘wake-up call’ words. He doesn’t understand why I.. well, don’t want to change who I am. Maybe if he knew me as long as Jero, he might understand.
And even BADDECODE understands me better than he does. But we’re all different and stuff.
Though I don’t think he stopped playing because of me. There likely were other reasons. Because that same day, he met Jero. And that night there were a lot of people with me. And when he left, he said he ‘felt crowded’. And the day before he told me he was going to do some artist work or something like that (he is an artist by the way), just he hasn’t been back since and I’m kind of worried about him.
(Edit down below)
—
3rd thing: This one’s a bit more recent, and it went through lots of micro-edits in order to explain this without sounding like a fucking bratty child who has had one of their best friends ‘taken away’, so their BF can spend more time with them. :/
Talking about Malice and Jelly. Trying to chill with Malice as much as I can (I like him a lot more than Jelly, because he gets me). Jelly’s just… I dunno. Though he doesn’t know me IRL, I feel he’d be a problem if he knew.
He’s the ‘anti-Fluffy’. Horny yes, but very wise for his age. Yesterday, he was discussing real estate to Malice. And this wasn’t just some random conversation, he was trying to plan out their future. Really bugged me, making me wish I had this kind of discussion with who I love. But IMO, if you’re going to have a conversation like that… do it in DMs.
To be fair I didn’t have to come over and listen into what they were talking to. I could’ve gone to another world, hung out with other friends.
…But that’s where my ‘fucking bratty child’ side sadly kicks in, because I wanted to hang with Malice and his BF wanted to be with him. 😛 But you know, maybe Jelly was actually feeling ‘jellyous’ (intentional pun) with how I’ve been hanging with Malice all the time. That is possible, and maybe I’ve been accidentally ‘overstepping my boundary’ with
this.
That’s why spending less time with them is wise. Yet my ‘fucking bratty child’ side is
like “uhh, but Malice’s one of my good friends! Now I got NO ONE now! I don’t have a reason to be on VRChat anymore until Jero or Kepo comes on!”… *sighs*

I claim I care about my friends, but when they change their lives for the better.. I have a fucking temper tantrum?! When am I ever going to grow out of this childish BS?! Yet this is also a dual-edged sword where it can be normal. However.. for my age? I dunno about that. If I was in my 20s again (while this was going on), sure. That’s
understandable.
And that’s why I’m a 10-year-old trapped in a 45-year-old’s body. It’s hilarious how people like Jero don’t believe this. Pretty sure Kepo does now. Why he hasn’t even said “hi” to me in Discord since that night.
And you know what’s even more ‘funny’? I’m going to be living, on my OWN when my mother passes away! I’m totally so not fucked!! 😑
/depression
—
4th thing: This is something I forgot to mention. Happened a month ago, which is a bit of a rather touchy subject (about Drag Queenie). Queenie is… an odd fellow to say the least. His status cries out for help, but he doesn’t want anyone to help him. And it seems to really have him talk to you, you need to be in his inner friend circle (which I am not). His inner friend circle is clearly Lostwolf’s ‘Pan Gang’, going by all the artwork of his avatar in the server’s world.
Though thanks to Blender, I’m in Queenie’s ‘semi’-inner friend circle. Anyway, digressing aside, this very thing of his status crying out for help happened again when I was bored and wanted to hang with one of my trusted friends. Saw Queenie alone, looking quite depressed. I tried to be there for him. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for him.
Look Queenie, I’m the same here in not really wanting anyone to feel sorry for me. …But I don’t keep setting my status when I’m depressed. How, can he possibly not know doing that causes ‘unwanted’ attention? Either that, or his inner friend circle isn’t really the caring type (so he doesn’t have to deal with that).
So one day I noticed his status as ‘low self-esteem’. And I’m like “bitch please, I’ll show you what it means to have no self-esteem” and joined. What I saw was the exact opposite of someone who has ‘low self-esteem’; talking to friends with no problems. I positioned myself where he could possibly see me, hoping he’d come up to at least say “hi”. ..He never did. And you know what’s really funny? Orwin joined, and he actually came up to say hi to me.
Really. So, someone who’s two years older than me (who I also don’t usually talk to that often), actually came up and said “hi” to me. ..But you can’t, Queenie? So much for
your ‘low self-esteem’. More like ‘low want to tell the truth’. Spend a day with me and I’ll show you true low self-esteem, pal. Well, this is how I felt back then, and it got to a point where I wanted to talk to Lostwolf about this.. but stopped myself every. time. Because I kept reminding myself of how Queenie is, that he goes through these ‘moods’ and I really doubted Lost would’ve told me any different than what Queenie already told me.
Ended up finally unfriending him, because I’m really getting tired of this. However I had recently messaged him and he understands this is a problem, and will try to fix it.

So that’s all I have for you. And the reason I even decided to post is I’ve completed
the Myst series and I’m “bored now”.
EDIT (2nd thing): Last night, after severe weather moved through here (lucked out again. Nearly lost our power but no damage), I came on VRChat (in Desktop) to watch some videos. They do not (yet) have the ‘Sonic The Hedgehog 2’ movie there, but I assume in a few weeks (or a month) from now they will. Anyway, I watched what I did and Malice wanted an invite which I accepted, but it still surprised me after what happened the night before.
He said he was “sorry for taking so long”. …What? You were, waiting for me to get on?? Though this never really clicked in my head, I said “you’re fine, Malice”. However, he wasn’t fine (physically). He was sick and on the verge of throwing up, from drinking something he assumed was water.. it was actually spoiled milk. Though how he didn’t know it was spoiled by the smell and the immediate taste, is beyond me. I actually had doubts if it was actually that, given the history I know of him being high. Then again, we’re all different and his taste buds may not be as active as mine (why he didn’t really notice until it hit his stomach). But.. I’ll come back to this later on (to where my doubts were likely justified and he may’ve been lying).
He didn’t want to throw up, over the reason it comes through his nose and “burns for three hours”. He was very specific about those three hours. And he kept saying he didn’t want this. Jelly joined and tried to comfort him. Then there was a time where it accidentally got a bit messy when Jelly suggested Malice take off his headset. I was agreeing to this but also accidentally twisting my words making it like his headset is the reason he has food poisoning… once again I’m not good at dealing with ongoing moments where your friend’s having a major issue with themself and the right words matter (IE: That suicide thing last year). Finally though, I fixed what I was trying to say.
Some time later, Kepo randomly joins. And when I told him I hadn’t seen him for a
week, he seemed surprised by it. Then he cracks a joke over this whole spoiled milk thing and Jelly takes offense to this. I tried to defuse the situation by trying to side with Jelly here. No offense Kepo, but it’s not really a good idea to crack a joke about something this serious.
Now Kepo’s mad and leaves, which upsets Malice. Jelly tries to calm Malice down, saying to “not worry about Kepo right now”. The reason why I quoted what he told Malice will make sense later. But there was another.. problem: Jelly and Malice are apparently in another call (outside of Jelly’s server). I wanted to help Malice out but I felt left out
here, and finally spoke my mind about this. Malice understood I wanted to help and sent me an invite to a Discord server his friend runs (yet he’s the owner..??), unfortunately after I got the invite, a very pissed off Kepo started messaging me.
I tried to defuse the situation but I was having ZERO luck, but thought about it. I want to side with him but doing so might make me an enemy of Jelly (yet I doubt he’d even care with his attitude).
–
Then Kepo said “let’s be real: Malice would had known what spoiled milk smells like”. And he’s right. But again, not everyone’s tastebuds are the same. I don’t believe Malice would lie to me.. until what he did 10 minutes after he threw up. He goes to a light sensitive world that simulates what it’s like being high on ‘acid’. I kept telling Malice in the
call, “are you sure this is wise after what you just went through?” And he never really listened to me. It really made me have doubts.
But with the next day, Malice (in his Discord profile) shows he’s “very sick, trying to visibly be normal.”… why? I..I don’t know what to think here. Malice has a job. He doesn’t have a car but he likes talking about classic cars, and is mature to know how much weed is too much.
Yet he acts like a kid from this…? It’s like another Queenie. But I did talk to him and I’m convinced he was telling the truth. Plus, I think I was wrong about Jelly. It seems to
be Kepo that has an attitude problem, and what Jelly said to defend Malice was justified.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Hello again, here’s a recap

When vacationing in Hell feels better than what we’re going through

Posted on 02-28-2022 by Benie

I’m sure a lot of you have those moments of “it can’t get worse than this” and it actually does. Unfortunately I don’t remember what happened on each and every day, I remembered what happened this week (and how this isn’t over).
–
It started off as two issues: one minor one ‘moderate’ (once I explain the major issue that follows, this will start to make sense);
Minor issue: Being told by my mother that the dryer wasn’t working and giving her my phone in order to call someone to come out here to look at the issue. Thankfully she discovered the issue as human error (not turning the dial the right way) and got the dryer to work again.
Moderate issue: Was actually three separate issues. The first one being the garage door falling apart from age and what not. And the second issue being from a large tree limb causing part of our fence to be broken into. A neighbor was able to fix both of these issues. And the final one was a feud between Kovo and Mibit. This lead to Kovo no longer talking to Mibit. It was the same song and dance of Mibit using ADHD like a crutch.
–
Now finally, the Major issue that is still ongoing. I remember this happening March 1st. Why I remember this date is this is the same date I was supposed to accompany my mother to pay her taxes. Personally I wish it was April 1st for the issue being a joke, but sadly it wasn’t.
Like I said, I was supposed to go with her to pay the taxes, but the tax people couldn’t get her an appointment; only ‘walk-in’ was available. But anyway, after that she told me our central furnace was “shaking the entire house”. I didn’t feel a thing so I was confused, and told me to call this ‘Tom Drexler’ company and see if they’ll fix the issue. They were able to come out that day.
Let’s just say it was a damn good idea for her to tell me to call, as when we got a tech guy to look at it, he found a rather serious problem that sadly cannot be fixed. The heat exchanger has a big hole in it. We were told if it was allowed to run, it ‘could’ stop up and cause carbon monoxide to flood the house. The guy also disabled the heater to prevent it from being operated. Which really ‘sucked’ for my mother as she didn’t really seem to give a fuck that this would KILL us and her cats… by trying to turn it back on and realizing they disabled it. I’m very thankful they disabled it. Phew.
Still can’t believe she didn’t care, but as the days went on she now realizes.

So of course our only option was to get a new furnace, which made me sick as my mother doesn’t have credit (and I’ve never worked in my life either, so..). Then we got another guy to discuss financing options. Thankfully got approved for a loan that covers for a new furnace plus protections against illnesses (such as COVID).
However it came with its own pricetag that came the following day when it was time to install it… we have to get a brand new fuse box on top of this, which
is $3,000 more (pushing past the loan limit). Thankfully, I have enough money saved that we’re able to afford this. But the installation of the new fuse box, is something we’re still waiting for to this day. We are at the mercy of our city to send a team out here and cut the power, to install the new fuse box. And this can take ‘4-8 hours’. Just so happens it’s going to be cold that day, and we’ve been relying on space heaters to stay warm. Worries me with that 4-8 hours.. how in the FUCK are we going to stay warm without power?!
Anyway, without the main heater being on, we never (so far) had a fuse blown. So we can run two space heaters. However my mother wants more, for her cats.
—
March 8th is now the date where this ‘should’ be done (according to the company doing all the paperwork for us), and the following day is when we’ll get our new furnace installed.

So that’s everything. Though it shows this blog post was published on March 5th, it’s actually the 7th. Tomorrow is when we’ll get the new fuse box, and Wednesday is when they’ll install the new furnace.
They called me this morning unexpectingly to verify the dates. I told them that tomorrow’s gonna be cold and we need to have a means to keep our space heaters working. So we’ll be lent a generator for that.
Two other things: originally I was told that after the installation of the furnace, the city would come out to slap a green sticker on the unit. We were never told if it’s OK or not we can use the furnace after it’s installed. Now it is. And second, a more personal note. When my mother passes away, the lone company isn’t going to try to screw me over by demanding the rest of the loan up front as one lump sum. Nah. I’ll be able to make the same monthly payments. Very thankful for that.

Finally, I made a new ringtone for my phone after finally nuking said phone
through iTunes (to remove the ‘Other’ storage that was making it very difficult to do what I want, claiming storage was ‘full’ when it really wasn’t). Plus it enabled me to
And all I’m going to say is this: if you have an iPhone, don’t bother adding ringtones through iTunes. It is difficult and I couldn’t get it to work. Instead use a free app
called ‘GarageBand’, which does the converting and all of that shit for you.
Yes, I went through hell (and several tutorials) and still wasn’t able to do it.
First you gotta add the audio as an .mp3 (that’s the easy part). Then you gotta convert the file to an AAC(.m4a) format. Then re-convert (by hand) the .m4a to an .m4r (to set it as
a Ringtone). And then you (magically) drag/drop it to your phone’s Tones section.
And this is what kept happening to me..

It refused to add it. I made sure the song was less than 40 seconds (yet it also has to be less than 30 seconds).. that too didn’t add it.
I then decided to check Youtube (which I feel like kicking myself in the ass for not doing sooner), and found a video explaining you can “set any song as a ringtone”. Was skeptical at first as it said you don’t need a computer, then they said to use an app called GarageBand.
And the person explained how to use it. Had a little difficulty trying to upload the song to my phone and then edit it, but outside of that I had it!

Also you may’ve noticed the song name; Reese’s Puffs Rap. Hehehe. I’ve wanted it as my ringtone for quite some time.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal | Comments Off on When vacationing in Hell feels better than what we’re going through

Like watching paint dry / “Mmm naughty me, brother!” / The 3rd drunk wheel / “This doesn’t go to Kovo, do you understand me?” / “We’ll help you for your naughty”

Posted on 02-26-2022 by Benie

Yes hello. I’ve temporarily came back of my break from VRChat as Kovo and Nova finally joined, after what seemed like an eternity of issues ranging from Kovo’s controllers mysteriously unpairing themselves to getting invited to eat somewhere. It’s good to see them on after what seemed like a curse of some sort.
==============================================================
Like watching paint dry
==============================================================
But the fanfare of them showing up didn’t go as I hoped. I joined 20 minutes after they did.. or rather Kovo did. Found him alone in the world. Hoo boy.
But why is Kovo even on if something’s going on between him and Nova? Did he finally tell himself to move on? …That’s very unlike Kovo. Instead he was waiting for Nova to join when I came up to him. Said she’s having issues connecting.
Eventually she did show up with Nigh (now known as ‘War’). Kat also joined. But after they said their hellos, they went right to the mirror. Others joined, and they went to the mirror as well. The only one that actually cared about Kovo and Nova being here
was Stylez. It frustrated me that this was proving Kovo’s point, that hardly anyone cares about them.
Time went on and I started to fall asleep from boredom, from hoping either Jero or TJ would join me here. Then I saw both Kovo and Nova go offline, without even coming to me and saying anything. All I can assume is Kovo assumed I was also too busy to come see them. But all I was doing was waiting to see if any one of these people at the mirror would go and see where the two were.
–
Did see Melan and NapPie on. So that’s a reason to stay on.
==============================================================
“Mmm naughty me, brother!”
==============================================================
Definitely a reason to stay on for these two goofballs that always make me laugh. Started off being in a maze world of sorts that messed with my eyes. The rooms look identical and I swore one time it was a multi-layered maze (but that was another illusion, which I am thankful for).
Ran into NapPie while trying to figure out what to do. He said you gotta find shapes and eventually you’ll be able to unlock the exit. Kept at this for another 10 minutes, but when I saw a portal being opened I followed them there. This next world, I eventually made it a favorite. Because holy hell, this is what it’s like living in an orbital space station with artificial gravity. I was getting Elite Dangerous vibes, seeing buildings on the ‘walls’ and ‘ceiling’. It has a tram that goes from one point of the station.
The world excellently gives you the illusion you’re in a tube-like section of the main space station (that’s rotating to maintain artificial gravity yet you just don’t feel the rotation).
If you move far away from the tram, you’ll see the tram itself that was on the ‘floor’, now part of the ‘wall’. It is wild.
–
But that’s not the only thing that was ‘wild’ (in Melancholy’s mind). When he saw
my Drex, he wanted to make love to it– calling it “hot” and “naughty me right now!!” I just laughed it off. He several times tried to do naughty things with me. Half of me felt embarrassed while the other half felt “ehh, just go with it. It’s Melan. I know he’s just messing with me.” Ohh no, he was serious. He wanted my naughty.. bad. But I just went with it.
In another world, he said to NapPie “you just stay over there NapPie. Benie and I are gonna naughty.” And I said “way to throw your BF under the bus.” He laughed as he knew both of us were joking around.
Then one time I decided ‘fuck it, I’ll show it off’ and did. Both Melan and NapPie were blown away, and even NapPie wanted a taste. Again I just went with it, because I trusted them enough. It was all-out craziness.
Eventually (after we were all doing a short horror map. Oh yeah, need to mention I have refriended #Bandana as I’ve been seeing him a lot), the two were hopping off as NapPie’s trackers were dying on him. He randomly hugs me, probably as a way for him to thank me for the taste of my naughty. Then I hugged Melan and wished them a goodnight. Melan went first while NapPie ran off to say goodnight to others.
I tried to join Jero again after that, and NapPie came up to me asking me if I was trying to join someone. Said yes but they’re on Ask Me. He said “Hmm.. spam them. Hah!” I then said for him to have a good night. He thanked for showing off my naughty. Then I
heard Melan in the background say “it was delicious!” Laughed my head off. Glad to be of assistance, you two.
With them off, I went to join Malice.
==============================================================
The 3rd drunk wheel
==============================================================
As expected, Jelly was with him. The two were mainly talking the IRL situation
with Russia invading Ukraine, while I was nuzzling them both. I realize the seriousness in this whole thing and the threat of a World War on the horizon, but at the same time I try to stick my fingers in my ears and pretend everything’s fine (like Fluffy). This discussion happened for pretty much the rest of the night. Meanwhile Jelly wanted to “pet the derg”. I offered to help eliminate any stress they had with a little naughty time. Jelly wanted it first. But we would join an Invite+ instance.
So we’re doing it and then, JoinNotifier goes off telling me someone joined the instance. I tell Jelly and he’s surprised by it. I tell him “I thought this was an invite only instance”. He says “it’s Invite+, but how did they show up?” I said “Malice probably accepted their invite”. Quickly hide my naughty, and then the person that joined shows up.. and
he’s flat-out wasted.
Malice ‘keeps the drunk guy busy’ while Jelly and I head to another part of the world. He wants to keep doing it, so I help with that. Then someone else joins. Jelly’s getting pissed off by this and then drops an invite only portal, so we can do it without interruptions. Finally get it done.
Now Jero wants to join. We head back to the previous instance with the drunk
bastard, and I accept his invite there.
==============================================================
“This doesn’t go to Kovo, do you understand me?”
==============================================================
When Malice heard that I was willing to ‘help’ both of them out, he wanted to be a part of it (through a threesome). And that’s when Jero joined. Eventually got him to follow me and he was able to re-meet both of them.
I debated if I should have naughty time with Malice while Jero’s here. Half of me felt this was wrong, but the other half felt I can trust these two enough. So I did. But I
told Jero that this would “not go to Kovo” (in other words to not tell anyone I’m going outside of my comfort zone by offering to do this for Malice). He said “well I’ve been livestreaming in Discord all this time.” ..What a troll.
So Malice did it with me, and Jelly did it with Jero. This is something I pray will get out of my head, as Malice was giving it his all. It was wild. What’s funny is him asking
before “how long can you go”? I should had said the same thing to him.
Instead it was just me and him, and wow did he give it his all. His ass hurt after we got done, him telling me the naughty he has IRL, he took it all the way in.
–
Sometime after we finished and Jelly had to leave as he’s got work, I asked Jero if he had fun. He said that if he knew him more, he likely would had. Understandable.
But the true ‘fun’ came from Klaus who wanted in, and I told him “this is my son”. Klaus said “that’s incest”. And both of them proceeded to ‘humor’ me by telling me I need to talk like a redneck now, and get a big truck hat, and drive around in a pickup.
Oh my god. I died from embarrassment and went offline. All I heard was them laughing before I left.
==============================================================
“We’ll help you for your naughty”
==============================================================
Now I would’ve gone to bed after that, except Melan of all people starts messaging me
in Discord, asking if I like my Drex model and NapPie can make improvements on it. Originally I thought he was talking about finding me a new naughty, then he
said “horns/wings/etc”.
Huh. I should’ve said “I appreciate the offer but I’m good.” Honestly I’m happy with the model as it is now. It’s alright for what it is. But I decided to compile a short list of things I would like. Yet I’m not even sure I would want these changes;
1. BTD’s signature bull-like horns, and removal of the Drex’s.
2. Spikes on the back and the tail.
3. Elbow claws (like BTD).
4. Removal of the feathers.
5. Continue the pokadot pattern (with emission support) on the tail.
6. Longer tail with more bones, that’s pointy at the end.

Having BTD’s horns alone, I just dunno if it’ll work with the model. They might look out of place, or clash with the ears (I do wanna keep the ears though. They’re cute).
However, he did state “you may not even like these changes and that’s OK.” So I’m going to see what happens. I gotta send them reference pics and the model itself. And who
knows, maybe NapPie’s good at adding wings, or making them a part of the model instead of a separate model (something a friend years ago tried but just couldn’t get them to work right). 3.0 might may’ve made things easier.
Might as well take advantage of free help, you know? They said I can pay them back with my naughty. Heh. It’s a deal.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal, Politics | Comments Off on Like watching paint dry / “Mmm naughty me, brother!” / The 3rd drunk wheel / “This doesn’t go to Kovo, do you understand me?” / “We’ll help you for your naughty”

Mibit’s becoming a problem / A very active weather week

Posted on 02-22-2022 by Benie

==============================================================
Mibit’s becoming a problem
==============================================================
So this is gonna be a pretty ‘fun’ subject to cover, as it talks about a mental illness that’s quite common. However, one person in particular seems to be using it to get his way. I’m afraid I might be dealing with another GreyTheWolf, and this time Jero can’t help with. At least, not in the short term. It’s hard to say what’s going to happen down the line.
–
Anyway, I’ve gotten back into Destiny 2 (as I said in the Games blog. If you haven’t seen
it, feel free to click here). Though this discussion isn’t really about that game, but more
of.. well, either ‘favoritism’ or ‘jealousy’. Maybe even ‘rage’. For two days, I’ve been working my scales off trying to speedrun the latest season (before the servers go down as the new expansion is coming and fast). Kovo and Nova (mainly Kovo) has been helping me to achieve this. I managed to complete the season, then Kovo wanted me to get this exotic weapon he believes I’ll like. I get it and its catalyst, and I’m testing this thing.
With 30 minutes until the servers go down for maintenance, Mibit joins and I tell him how I got the catalyst and stuff like that.
He isn’t too happy. Not of the effort I put in, but.. in a very unlike way of him. “I’ve been doing research on this game for a year” is all he says. “Mibit, I’m not trying to steal that thunder from you. I don’t even know why you’re upset with me”. Kovo was in the call at the time and he too was very surprised at Mibit’s obscene actions. He tried to explain
to Mibit that he tries to make time for everyone, and sometimes he can’t be there. Then Mibit says “well that’s why I’ll play solo” and leaves.
We try to continue focusing on the game, but very bothered of what happened. Try to think of theories of why he said this. As I said earlier, it could be ‘favoritism’ or ‘jealousy’.

After the servers went down, I messaged Mibit in DMs wanting to know what beef he has with me.
WARNING: Before I start, I have said this before and I’ll say it again.. I have, no issues against anyone with ADHD. I just don’t know how to handle people with it. It requires a special person.
Now, hopefully most of you with this mental condition, do NOT use it as a means to make people focus specifically on what you like (or don’t). And if you do, please re-think and stop doing that. Thank you.
–
Mibit.. sadly, IS one of these people who uses it as a ‘crutch’. He was ‘blaming’ me for all of this, bringing up our breakup (falsely claiming it was because of his ADHD). Then he talks about Blender, how I let him go ‘because of ADHD’. He’s letting his ADHD-filled anger control his actions instead of realize I really, really tried to handle Blender. And you can ask BADDECODE to back me up on it.
Finally I said “we’re still friends. I’m still friends with him, and I.. well, hope to remain friends with you.” Now I’m not so sure, because later when he joined.. he ignored me. He never apologized.
Not gonna lie: my friendship with Mibit isn’t as big as it once was. I’d say ‘tolerable’.
Why? Because that’s where the whole ‘uses his ADHD like a crutch’ thing comes from. And I’m not alone. Kovo and Nova have seen this. He likes talking about DOOM, a lot. And if you’re not, he tends to go silent. He also talks about his records and stuff, like others are supposed to just be into what he is; to share those common interests.
Still remember one day, he was showing us these rewards he’s gotten from his work and stuff, to show he’s no idiot for having ADHD. Look, Mibit isn’t a bad person by any
means. But he has issues.
–
Though one issue that Kovo and Nova are concerned the most about, is him not really getting the whole aspect of love. Says he’ll look for love after he gets his computer upgraded or something. Kovo and I were in the call at the time and tried talking sense into him. Then when Kovo wanted to take his break after what happened with Nova, he told me he’s powering through and using the pain to make himself better at his abilities. I felt happy for him and actually wished I felt this.
The very next day, Kovo tells me Mibit wants to date Jero. Clearly his ADHD speaks for him. I mean, even I have some of the symptoms of ADHD. But I don’t force it upon people. Yes I use my mental disability as a crutch, but only personally. I do my best not to let these symptoms control how I act around others. This is why I try to keep to myself, to avoid those issues from leaking out.

I dunno how to deal with this, neither do they. But they’re going to try an idea to see if Mibit’s looking for anyone at this point (even if they’re in a maybe possible relationship).
At this point I’d rather have them deal with this, instead of myself.
==============================================================
A very active weather week
==============================================================
2022 has been pretty active, weather wise. But this week is going to be a week of pain for me. I’m just glad the start of it didn’t start when I was getting all of that stuff done
in Destiny 2. Yet I also would prefer it to not happen tomorrow either, as that’s the release week. :/
Anyway, we’re under a SLIGHT risk yet for the second time this month, and possibly a Tornado Watch later in the morning (even though our tornado risk is very low to low). The main threats of this week, is the flooding. The Gulf of Mexico is unusually active, and we’re going to get cold front ontop of another cold front. Pretty much a series of cold fronts, with it ending of a possible (but uncertain) ice threat. Yes, we’re going to go from severe weather one day of the week, to another ice storm. Lots of chances for the power to go
out. It’s almost like Mother Nature is yelling “DAG DAMNIT, LOSE YOUR FUCKING POWER AND DIE, DAMN YOU!!!”
To have two ice storm risks in one month is definitely a cause for concern. But it’s that thing that people in power would rather pretend it doesn’t exist instead of actually doing something about it. And honestly I’m just tired talking about that ‘word’ as it means nothing to them. …Fucking hate our government. Our forefathers would be ashamed.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal, Politics, Weather Alerts | Comments Off on Mibit’s becoming a problem / A very active weather week

Kovo giving Nova another chance / Mibit wants to date my son?!

Posted on 02-18-2022 by Benie

In today’s pre-post, about four days ago I twisted my right knee or something. I fear it might’ve been due to the way I propped up my leg when I was in VR, because I remember it hurting but I assume it was nothing really to worry about.
Well not being able to walk right, definitely is a problem. Hopefully I’ll be alright with time. I’ve had this happen before, but.. never like this.
So this is yet another reason why I’m not in VRChat (boredom still being the main one).
==============================================================
Kovo giving Nova another chance despite Nova starting treatment
==============================================================
I saw this happening a mile away, but I was hoping Kovo would be smart this time. Clearly not. Infact he’s even calling her “honey” again. Yes, really. But I wasn’t aware of this until later on yesterday sometime after I joined the call.
Earlier in the afternoon, Kovo was messaging me on Telegram. He tells me Nova’s under Prozac now… hoo boy. Still remember when I was in school, when I was recommended the same thing. My grandmother (who was alive at the time), told my mother to not put me on it; that it’ll mess my head up. It’s very potent, which is why the therapist told Nova to only take half of the pill for one week. Yes.. half of the pill, spread out through the week.
That just tells you how potent Prozac is. Wow.
On top of that, she’s told to go back 6 weeks to see how her depression’s going, and they could bump up the dosage if this isn’t helping.

Kovo then wandered if her depression is the only thing wrong with her. That’s true, it’s not. But after telling him that depression might cause most of what she’s going
through (and then showing proof by doing a quick Google search), he was pretty blown away from what I found as he doesn’t really know much about depression himself.
–
So the evening came. I saw Wufy on and thought of joining just to bug him about clicking cookies. But my headphones didn’t make trolling him so easy. Could had sworn they were on when I put them on my ears, but clearly it wasn’t. And when I finally heard them through the headphone speakers instead of my desktop’s, all I said was “Yes”.
And also my trolling attempt was unsuccessful as Wufy was unphased by it. Damn. 😛
Later that night, Nova was going to bed. I heard Kovo say “honey”. ..Oh boy. I better intervene here and give him a wake-up call.
He knows he’s “a fool” and “being a dumbass” for saying this, but can’t help it. And all he said was “guess we’ll see what happens”. I wished him luck. Literally all I can do.
==============================================================
Mibit wants to date my son?!
==============================================================
That’s not the only thing Kovo said. Much earlier that day (before this whole thing with Nova), he told me Mibit is “going to ask out Jero”. He can try, but my son’s not going to agree to it.
Half of me though wants to ‘warn’ Jero of this (with the numerous “what if’s” going through my head), but the other half says “nah, your son knows how to handle it. He’ll let Mibit down gently. Don’t be worried about it. You’re not going to lose him. Relax.” And this second side is what I’ve been doing my best to focus on.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Kovo giving Nova another chance / Mibit wants to date my son?!

An overly blustery day today and (severe storms) tomorrow / “fluffys gone long gone” / Frostbite and BlueDrago tying the knot on the 22nd

Posted on 02-16-2022 by Benie

Still on my break from VRChat, and enjoying it. It’s fun to take a break every once in awhile, and getting back into playing the Myst IP; namely URU: Complete Chronicles. Being able to visit areas I visited back in the days of playing Myst Online: URU Live when I played with Angry is fun.
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An overly blustery day today and (severe storms) tomorrow
==============================================================
You know what’s not fun though? Dealing with spring-like stormy weather that could knock out your power. This is what’s coming tomorrow. Today, is a pretty windy day and it’s only going to get more extreme as the afternoon progresses.

So much ‘fun’ having a risk of losing power from a tree limb falling on the lines! And tomorrow has a 5% risk of tornadoes because a local weatherman couldn’t just BS me and say we wouldn’t go under the SLIGHT risk.
WEEEE!! We’re having FUN, aren’t we?!?! But I’ve survived worse. Pretty sure I’ll survive this one, as there’s three things in play that should be our saving grace;
1. It won’t be that warm (temps in the low to mid-60’s).
2. The storms will be gone from my area before the Sun’s peak heating.
3. There isn’t that much (if any) mid-level energy for the storms to feed on.

Then again, I shall see what happens.
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“fluffys gone long gone”
==============================================================
Jero responded to my report last night, but I don’t feel he actually read it (nor did I ask if he did). Why do I feel this? Because all he really said about the matter is “fluffys gone long gone” and “I can’t save him”. Heh. It took you two years to finally realize what I’ve been dealing with, for three years.
“I’d just leave him at this point I haven’t really replied to his direct messages” he
said. Aye.
But since it was obvious to me he didn’t read the report, I briefly went over it saying “I’ve
tried, there’s just no saving him. As what you went through with Grey, I don’t need to be dealing with Fluffy’s toxicity. He’s just too far gone, trying to pretend everything’s ice cream and puppy dogs. And when trying to give the dumbass a wake-up call, he claims I’m being ‘super negative’ and ‘ruining his mood’. I still remember back in early 2020, where he claims I ‘destroyed’ him. ..I’m done giving him chances.”
To see Jero agree wholeheartedly, made my night. If only he agreed those years ago, I wouldn’t had been dealing with Fluffy for as long as I did.
“He can’t be helped anymore”, “nothing’s your fault he brought himself to this
point”, “It’s his problem now” he said. Preach it, Jero. Preach it! And thank you for helping my mind reaffirm my stance on this.
–
Anyway, this morning I have blocked Fluffy on both Discord and Telegram. Now he can’t be toxic to my eyes anymore. He has noone to run to (that I’m aware) who will defend him. He dug this hole. He’ll either live in it and die when reality buries him, or find his own way to climb out of it.
All he’s doing anymore is digging that hole he’s in even deeper, making it even more impossible to climb out of. I offered to throw him a line to get out, but he refuses to take it when knowing what he must do to get out, and then wants to blame me for putting him in the hole (that he dug himself) in the first place.
I didn’t make him want to go from being my happy son, to… whatever the fuck THIS is.
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Frostbite and BlueDrago tying the knot on the 22nd
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Ending this blog post on a very positive note here. I’ve already explained this a few weeks ago when Frost told me, but now he’s made it official through social media. I found it quite cool when he called me his “homie” after I replied. Heh. 😁
It seems they’re getting married IRL instead of ingame, which is why I have yet seen an invitation to attend his wedding (unlike the one Timber and his wife did last year, which was in VRChat).
But yeah, congratulations to those two! I still remember the hardships, meeting BlueDrago for the first time. Him dating Scooby, then DJ (Weordeip), Wufy dating Frost, then finally having Frost and BlueDrago dating. And now they’re getting married.
I’m really happy for them. I pray they have a happy marriage, and grow old happy together.
–
My brain: Hey, you!!
Me: Yes, brain?
My brain: Remember that day Jero actually agreed to marry us, and he actually
didn’t? Haha!! Good times, am I RIGHT?!
Me: Ohh yeah! I remember! Good times! Good… times…

Posted in Drama, Personal, Weather Alerts | Comments Off on An overly blustery day today and (severe storms) tomorrow / “fluffys gone long gone” / Frostbite and BlueDrago tying the knot on the 22nd