Before I start this one, some good news and understandable news (of the same person).
Good news: Jero has come back to VRChat after 2+ weeks of non-stop working.
Understandable news: He came back to clear his head over what happened to two of his friends, that I must make classified until I have permission to give this out.
Now, on to the blog post. I want to get this all wrote down before I forget it.
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When Mibit doesn’t get it
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Referencing news in this post, about Mibit wanting to help by making me an awtter based off of my sona. A few days ago he told me “I know how to add the lines”. And I felt “nice, it might actually start to look like my sona for once”. ..But the next day he said “I can’t do the lines because of the clothing”, and I’m like “that’s fine Mibit, don’t worry about it.” I was trying to direct this to “if you can’t do the lines, I don’t want the model. Because this looks nothing like my sona. No offense man.”
But he wasn’t getting the idea. Was forced to be more direct when he asked me what I want to name it. ..Again, he wasn’t getting I didn’t want it. Then he said “I’m asking something new”. I thought “wait, he’s trying something new? Mmm, fine fine. Ok Mibit.” Maybe he’ll surprise me.
My usual time came and he asked if I was on. Told him no as I was getting ready. But I wasn’t getting on for him. I was getting on for Jero, as he said he ‘will’ be on that
night.
Then I had the idea “well if he’s already uploaded it, then all I had to do is make
myself DND and check out the model in peace.” …But I forgot that’s not how it works when the avatar isn’t uploaded to your account. Fuck! After making myself Green status again, I felt so damn grumpy saying “ugh, I don’t want do to this. I don’t want to deal with him”. But also said “…let’s just get this damn thing over with. Maybe he’ll surprise you.”
Ohh, he ‘surprised’ me alright. Apparently he had to do a separate project just for this model. I find that dumb (could’ve just made a different scene) but whatever, and this broke the eyes. And another reason why he couldn’t do the lines is because MS Paint doesn’t have a mirror feature. ..No shit! Because Paint isn’t designed for texture
sheets! Use Gimp! It’s FREE!!
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And then Jero comes on. ..Ohh god. If he sees me in this.. this thing that looks like something a 5-year-old fan of my sona did. Did chuckle when I saw the avatar’s eyes almost roll in the back of its head. My thoughts exactly.
Then Jero joined and saw my new avatar. I’m like “hi..Jero. So this guy did this for me.” Can’t remember exactly what he said outside of the “hey X” intros, but I do of him saying to me “one of us! One of us!” And I feel like “kill. me. now”. The whole otter thing just doesn’t scream ‘me’! Especially this ugly texture sheet for it! I wanted to tell Jero the truth so much… but I couldn’t infront of Mibit. 😛
And they just kept talking, and talking, and talking. I kept quiet, having ‘nothing nice to say’ about the conversation. Then by 10pm, Mibit says “ah, it’s 10pm. It’s HORNY time!”
REALLY?!?! In MY homeworld, you gotta be horny, when I wanna talk to Jero but I can’t because of you?! He pulls out his dildo and goes right to work. And I go to the couch outside, saying “Alexa, play 90’s Alternative and Grunge” to blurt out sounds I was hearing over there. And Jero was encouraging it.
Was hearing a modernified song of American Woman. In my head I wanted to
replace ‘woman’ with ‘Jero’. Especially when it got to the part where the guy’s all “I gotta get away! I gotta LEAVE!”, and my finger was on the ‘Go Home’ button to do a new instance of this world. Wanted to press it but kept resisting, thinking anytime Jero’s going to come over and we can talk in private without Mibit listening. But from what I was told about this world, that’s not possible. I can hear them from all the way on the other side of the world.
Jero did come over, but only after I decided to look down the hall staring at them and heard him say “I can see you over there through the mirror”, and asked me to come over because Mibit’s “about to make a deal” on a Lovesense toy. And I say “joy..” under my breath as I float my way back over to them.
After Mibit bought the toy, the two asked me if I was going to get one. I thought “…really?” and said “nah”. Jero said “I thought you were into those”. Uhh.. no? “You might be thinking of someone else”. Honestly I have never once said (or hinted) that to him that I was interested in those things. Infact… I can’t, not with my watchdog mother still around.
I wish Mibit luck in him sneaking this thing past his anti-bi family.
Time passed. I heard Jero say “it’s 5am, I really need to go to bed”, then Mibit
saying “same”. I went to go use the bathroom, thinking when I get back… they’ll both be gone (and I would be so.. not happy). When I did come back and checked VRCX (without putting on my headset), they were still on. And they’ve been here for over two hours now. I was shocked they didn’t leave, as I could’ve sworn when I was on the toilet I
heard JoinNotifier’s ‘player left’ sound play twice. But I didn’t say anything to them. But I did go back to the outside couch when I heard Jero wanting to hear more of Mibit’s dildo. Blech..
Later, I went back to this area again when I saw Mibit showing Jero his favorite
music (that sounds like a machine gun constantly firing). ..That’s not music. That’s just noise.
A few minutes after that, both of them went over to me and talked. Now it’s 7am for Jero and he said he needs to go to bed, and Mibit said the same. Yet they never did, as much as I wanted to beg them to just go… and stop wasting my fucking time.
Then I had an idea. Since they’re both heading off, I grabbed my phone and started making a voice message to Jero explaining what I wanted to say but can’t with Mibit here.
Mibit was trying to get Jero to leave with him, I noticed. Even going as far as saying “we’ll stay here while your controller batteries die”.
But soon Mibit left first.
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“I felt Mibit was going to take you away from me…”
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Jero stayed. I waited a bit, expecting him to say “night night, Benie”. He didn’t. Then I
said “since you’re heading to bed, I left a message in Telegram for you. It’ll explain everything”. Then he asked me “…are you sure you’re OK?” I lied, said I’m fine and to check the message in Telegram.
What’s it to you? I thought you had to leave with Mibit. But…, Jero didn’t leave. I couldn’t understand why for the longest time. He just kept asking me if I’m ok and if it
was “anything bad”.
I eventually sighed and started explaining everything, feeling ashamed of the way I acted. But when I noticed Jero didn’t feel embarrassed, I kept on explaining. ..He wanted me to do this, as he was genuinely worried about me. He knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. And he wasn’t about to leave until he knew. He thought it was something he said, but it wasn’t that.
No, it was all because of Mibit. But it also didn’t really help when he said that him and Mibit have similar interests and are “the same age”. My mind thought “alright, there we go. I’ve lost him”.
Looking back at that, I..I shouldn’t had felt that (at all). Need to be more supportive. But it pained me at the same time, you know? I know I need to be supportive if they decide to become lovers (and I will), but at the same time the history keeps bugging me, wishing that if Jero actually lived in America.. that maybe we would be dating again or something I dunno. Just.. FUCK. The memories!! Why’d have to be so… nice yet so full of doubt?!
Either way, he has.. said in the past (which I keep forgetting when I’m like this), that he’ll never leave me as a friend. *sighs*
Frick I hate feeling like this.
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But on a much lighter note, Jero said that if I want to try to create my sona by myself using the Awtter model, he still has it. Told him “sure”. Then I said “well.. *cough* if you’re going to do that, I wonder if you wouldn’t… you know, mind if I could use your current texture to put it as a doll that I can spawn in, for those.. lonely nights that you aren’t on.”
Told him how pathetic I feel by asking this, but also how …emotional of a person I am and how lonely I get. And he said “sure”.
I’m quite happy over this.
.
I still feel ashamed over the entire thing. I could had handled it a lot better. I should had done the idea a long time ago, just to get it off my chest (so I could move on), and just acted normal around Jero (snuggle him and stuff). But, honestly even if I didn’t feel like I did, I had nothing to say that would had added to the conversation. So I usually keep quiet.
And as for the whole ‘horny time’, I could’ve put my foot down and said “that makes me uncomfortable, please stop”. I have a mouth, I should’ve used it — to say ‘no’. But I also don’t know how Jero would’ve reacted to it.
*sighs* This shit should had never happened. I should had just pretended everything’s fine and had been there, instead of making Jero worried about me. But I kept hoping Mibit would leave, and he fucking didn’t…. instead, I hid. Mainly because Mibit would once again say I ‘hate him because of his ADHD’.
Well, all the “should’ve”‘s aren’t going to undo what happened last night, or even how I actually felt jealous of Mibit. Yes, I did. And it was over two things;
1. Talking about his times in the Dojo or something, I dunno. Going to the men’s locker room and seeing all the stuff that made me almost want to throw up. But this isn’t the real issue. What is, is he can get out there.
2. Saying to me “I’m a top for Jero”. That alone made me feel he was saying “he doesn’t like you anymore, he likes ME. I’m a better top than you were for him!”
…If I had just stepped back and remembered what Jero said to me, that he “will never leave you”, I may had relaxed. Then again, a lot can change in a small time span, you know…? Promises tend to be broken, given the right.. push to break them.
But Jero would never lie to me. He says I’m his “best buddy”. And best buddies don’t lie to eachother. So, the two can’t be secretly dating. He would’ve told me the truth. Right? Yeah! Besides, to lie would cause trust issues. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want
this (and neither do I). So I got to believe him.
But, say they are secretly dating (they just never show it because they know I’d feel jealous). Can I really do anything about it? No. If they are dating (such as one day either Jero or Mibit comes up to me and says “we can no longer lie to you”, I should be supportive. Not jealous. I should be happy for them, and also still remember Jero said
he’ll “never leave me”, as a friend.
*sighs*