2020 in review: COVID = government control?, election backlash, BLM, Jero’s true side

2020 CALENDER LEAK - Imgflip
2020, worst year EVER? ..Honestly, it depends on who you are and if you contribute to society. And it also depends if you wanna see change but are only part of the problem for not getting out there and giving your voice.
You got the big bad scary (but also highly misinformed) Coronavirus/COVID-19 (or as it SHOULD be called ‘SARS-2019’) that’s apparently killed over 200,000 Americans. “Wear your mask! Socially distance!” they tell you. My parents feel it’s only a ploy for the government to control us, that there “is no virus, even one doctor says the vaccine’s worse than the virus”.
You also got the aftermath of the 2020 election, where I’m caught in the middle of two diehard Republican parents and being blamed for voting Biden all because he swears he’ll do something about COVID (unlike Trump). They swear it was rigged, that Republicans weren’t allowed to watch the voting process. They’re crying that Biden’s going to take our guns away, and how he’s going to give China the green light to buy our products for cheap and take over. Apparently I’m “too stupid” to be pretty sure this is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN… seriously, how dumb can my parents be?!
..And then, ending in furry drama of who I thought was “the one” shockingly comes back to me and we have the longest relationship I’ve ever had in my virtual life… yet that was far from the truth when I was informed I’m not the only one he treated like garbage. So not only was I ghosted, but lied to in multiple ways. Isn’t love just AWESOME?!

So let’s start this blog post off. I dunno how big this thing is gonna get or how many times its edited, but we shall see.

JANUARY 2020:
RL (me): Nothing that I can think of.
VRChat;
-Dealing with the post-aftermath of disbanding the group, Fluffy doesn’t want to let go. Eventually things (kinda) work out with him being my son again.
-Discover Creepery’s still alive, and actually talk to him.
-Jero comes back, and soon I get my answers that he wants to start again.
-Suppy shows up the same time Jero and I get back together. That same month I have a friend deal with him.. which backfires on me and lose him as a friend.
-Jero and I being back together starts the ‘spy games’ to happen with Jero having a grudge against KingKandy.
==
FEBRUARY 2020:
RL (me): Nothing really.
VRChat;
-First Dutchie Meetup, won’t be the last.
-“Longest relationship since Wuffer” I mark, making this the longest relationship I ever had (and it kept going).
-Jero’s too busy to enjoy Valentine’s Day with me, but that’s why I have a Jero body pillow in his place.
-Fluffy and I finally become ‘just friends’.
-The “HMMMMMM!!!” attack by my friends in Discord, everyone pinging me and
going “HMMMM!!!”. ๐Ÿ˜‘
-Surviving two ‘banwaves’ of VRChat, that turn out the API’s being over-pinged. This also causes mods to be switched over to MelonLoader.
==
MARCH 2020:
RL (me): COVID begins to affect the way I live, forcing me to go online when I do my grocery and food shopping.
VRChat;
-Fluffy admits why he can’t let me go, because I “sound like his departed father”.
-A really hilarious surprise after Jero and I ERP’d the first time since we had broke
up (him as the creepy Sonic avatar).
-Chris606 tells me he’s ‘dying’ from COVID (or something similar). Turns out he was faking.
-Jero’s OK about a VRChat marriage (that never happened).
==
APRIL 2020:
RL (me);
-Posts begin to slow down drastically in both the General and Games blogs. But I’m still OK, guys. Still alive. ๐Ÿ™‚
-Waiting two hours for a Doordash order to arrive.
-Getting hopeful news full body could work in my room from a friend, using the Vive.
VRChat;
-Kandy joins after my second ERP session with Jero, when he notices Kandy having similar eyes of his avatar (which makes him hate Kandy more).
-Was forced to say hi to Chris606. To this day I’ve been doing my best to avoid them (as it’s usually skewed drama).
==
MAY 2020:
RL (me): Nothing recorded.
VRChat;
-The argument Wufy and Avaris had with Jero, over communication (and why I feel he’s not doing it). Things started going downhill from this point, with the next day Jero only wanting to be friends. After giving him what he wanted, he realized I was right and we got back together. After a 3rd ERP session, he promised he “will never hurt me”.
-Begin to notice warning signs of a dying relationship with Jero. No longer checking up on
me, no longer saying he loves me, not even saying “hey”. Nearly two weeks later he apologizes saying he’s “quite busy” with work, and I’m convinced to believe him.
==
JUNE 2020;
RL (me): First COVID, now a Kitten. The claimed story of this woman ‘finding’ this kitten and it’s ‘starving’. I care for it and name it ‘Shadow’ and assumed it was a
boy.
VRChat;
-Kovo gives me access to his world, in order to fix what’s causing people to be unable to join. After removing all NPCs, it was discovered the Shaggy model is the culprit. I continue to edit the world since then, fixing long standing bugs and adding long-wanted features.
==
JULY 2020:
RL (me);
-We find ‘Shadow’ a new home, and discover it was a girl.
-Water heater issues plaque me and my family.
-Intermittent issues with my cable modem resetting, turns out it was squirrels chewing on the cable.
-I do my first (and likely last) review of an animated movie.
-Want to swap PC cases, Jero’s kind enough to help me with this. Unfortunately this comes at a price; my Line In port’s now malfunctioning.
-My parents and some of my friends say “there is no virus. It’s a hoax!”, which is the first time I seriously broke down in anger over not knowing what to believe in anymore.
-Wanting to extend the range of my WMR headset (via extension cables) causes bluescreens. Was told it’s “a power issue”, and 50% of the time extension cables won’t even work for headsets.. I got SERIOUSLY lucky.
-External drive ‘dying’ (making strange clicking sounds), got all the files off (while dealing with a bunch of “viruses”).

VRChat;
-I discover BlueBio and Wufy are now a couple (and still are as I write this). How far their relationship will go (as in seeing eachother IRL) remains to be seen.
-Losing my patience with Jero not being on, but ‘forced’ to keep believing he’s “too busy” and does wanna join.
-Kovo finds Nova ‘cheating’ on him (even though they aren’t dating) and the two have a fight. I try to be peacekeeper.
-Discover Kovo’s been right about DJ (after what he did to Fluffy) and leave his server/unfriend him.
-Fallout with Kovo, after Vale and Kandy broke up (and Chris606 got involved).
==
AUGUST 2020:
RL (me): My 44th birthday.

VRChat;
-The ‘anonymous source’ speaks to me about Jero, convincing me that it’s time to finally do what I didn’t want to last year– let him go.
==
SEPTEMBER 2020:
RL (me): Nothing noted.

VRChat;
-It’s been 9 months, the longest I’ve ever had a relationship. Jero wants to be friends again after being confronted by the truth, saying “you deserve better, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you”. I do let him go, but my brain refused to let go what caused Jero to change from who seemed to love me… to this.
Yet instead of blaming himself for this and swearing he’ll make it up to me, he puts the blame on the anonymous source.
==
OCTOBER 2020: (Nothing was posted in the General Blog in this month)
==
NOVEMBER 2020:
RL (me);
-Trying to switch from DirecTV to Spectrum, the installer wanted us to move our furniture out of the way. Later we find out it’s because they don’t wanna be sued for
damages.
-Having issues with my internet download speed being 80-90Mbps instead of 400+. The installer that treated me like shit, and the one that fixed the issue by replacing the ethernet cable from the modem to my PC.
-Switched from T-Mobile to Spectrum, saving $44.50/mo for my cell phone’s bill.

VRChat;
-I still want answers to what happened with Jero. Sadly I’ll never get them (from him). Trying to talk to him, he’s still too hellbent in trying to figure out the anonymous source’s name instead of taking blame for not being communicative. Kovo and Nova (now back together as friends) try to help me through this time of
grief.
-GreyTheWolf gets closer to me, I’m assuming he wants a relationship (yet I can’t really stand who he is, feeling he’s too ‘upper class’) and try to give him a fair conversation how I feel we should just go back to being acquaintances. He takes this wrong and blocks
me.
-Kovo feels Jero’s getting desperate to know who the anonymous source is after he joins the server and starts asking specific questions of games I play. But to this day, he hasn’t gone any further.
-Fluffy commits friendship suicide over what a friend of mine said to him, which I managed to convince Fluffy what the person meant and why the lewdness is a
problem.
-Shootandsuch gives me the puppy eyes, asking me to be his dad since Garruk disappeared unexpectingly. I reluctantly agreed, but later just couldn’t do it and tell him the
truth.
-I realize how useless setting up a boundary for my WMR is (with the constant shifting), and since remove it.
-I begin to have romantic feelings for Illunovice (who has similar feelings).
==
DECEMBER 2020:
RL (me): Can’t have my space heater and my computer on at the same time without the fuse blowing. After several tests… so far (as I write this) it seems to have been a faulty power strip. However it claimed the life of my UPS’s battery.

VRChat;
-Within a week later (though he wanted to do it earlier), Novice breaks up with me. Reason being how he sees his life. As much as I appreciate him having the guts to tell me (unlike Jero), it still hurt. It also made me realize where all my failed relationships are coming from.. it’s how I love being snuggled. It just does something to me that makes me “want more” than just being friends. Novice surprisingly felt the same way, but he was “in the moment” and that moment died out.
And since then I vowed to stay off VRChat to protect my friends, from myself. I feel this is the only way I can ‘stop’ what I’ve turned into. I was even trying to do the same thing with Atherian (the one that dumped me because I’m too old for him).
Am I punishing myself, for being myself?

But it might not actually be it, for it could still be the old phrase of “not finding ‘the one’ yet”. The problem though is I keep hoping and praying of ones I’m pretty sure wouldn’t be interested in a relationship.

Their ‘one size fits all’ approach for not wanting romance anymore, doesn’t fit me (as it involves having access to things I don’t.. aka a car and a job to take up my time, to get it out of my mind).
Friends with benefits is nice, but it gets ‘boring’.. I want a relationship. I wanna feel happy calling someone mine. And I can’t fucking get it out of my head.

.
.
And so, that’s it. With Virtual Market 5 now here (and Christmas Day this Friday), I might break my promise and focus on attending (as long as I’m not ‘enticed’ to bring a friend with me).
Wish I had someone there with me that would tell me to not even think about romance. Do that enough and I just might break myself from this crap.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal, Politics | Comments Off on 2020 in review: COVID = government control?, election backlash, BLM, Jero’s true side

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we (hopefully have) got ’em!”

This is a follow-up to the “Just a fluke…?” segment made on December 1st. I may’ve possibly, finally found the culprit to the fuse blowing issue of being unable to use my space heater with my computer on at the same time.
The culprit was something I had suspected a few times, but like an IQ 5000 player in Among Us, it kept managing to win everytime (as it was always the killer) and I was possibly too dumb to see through its lies (even when the telltale signs where right infront of me). This was one crafty piece of equipment, that also managed to blame both my heater and my UPS as ‘sus’.
A few days ago I had enough of freezing in my room and turned my heater on.. power went out 15 minutes later. FUCK!! “You should buy yourself a new heater” my mother suggested, so I did. As the days passed I was all “UGH!! This heater can’t come any sooner!!”
Yesterday I had enough of this.. I need heat NOW!! Not sometime after Christmas! Asked my mother “may I please barrow my father’s space heater?!” He has two space heaters (one not in use) that he let me barrow. I told both of them it would only be a temp thing ’till the new heater arrives.
…It too was causing the fuse to trip. So it’s.. there’s, nothing wrong with my heater afterall. Yet this would be the least of my problems, as this device managed to murder something in cold blood that I absolutely need; my UPS. After resetting the fuse, I tried turning it on..
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE–” it screamed at me, the power light flashing green/red.
Well this is just great. I can’t even turn my computer on now! Felt I just found my
culprit, however I can’t test because I NEED IT…
Tried desperately to think of my options, then came up with a temporary solution– use my mother’s surge protector she’s using for her computer until I buy a new UPS. It doesn’t have a battery backup, but it’s all I got. But when I saw how many outlets it has, I had concerns. Got 8 things that need plugged in.. and this only has 5. “Wait, my power strip. That’ll work as an alternative means!!”

With that back-breaking work finally done, I turned my computer back on. It still works as expected, then turned my heater on. 10 minutes later.. power blows again. No… no no NO NO!! I don’t know what it COULD BE!! I thought for sure it was my aging UPS!!
Then suddenly a thought came to me: “what if it could be the power strip? That’s the only thing I haven’t replaced yet.” Thankfully my mother had a backup. She also recommended I switch back to my heater, saying my father had a similar issue with that heater (of it blowing a fuse).
With the replacement power strip taking over what I had and my heater back where it
was, I was.. nervous to try again. I knew this is my last chance to see what it could be. If this doesn’t work, then it’s likely something only an electrician could fix.
Worked up the courage and with phone in hand, I engaged its stopwatch the moment I flicked the heater’s power back on. I cannot explain the level of stress I felt watching the stopwatch slowly tick up.
Surpassed the 15 minute mark. That’s when I heard the central air kick on. I began to relax knowing that I may’ve just fixed it. That 15 minutes turned into several hours when I went to bed without a single issue.

Honestly though, my UPS isn’t dead. The battery is though, just needs to be replaced and it’ll be good as new.
But given how long I’ve had this thing (estimated 10+ years), buying a brand new unit would be the smartest option (as buying a new battery would take just as long). And with COVID going on, ordering online is my only option. Else I’d be asking my parents to take me up to Best Buy and buying a new one.
A UPS isn’t cheap to replace. They usually run from $50 to $150. However, they are a freakin’ godsend and highly recommended for people like me that get a lot of surges/power outages. And APC is a highly respectable company (in my eyes). So if you need a UPS, go with APC. This isn’t even a paid endorsement, this is from 15+ years of being with them.
Never buy cheap when it comes to a UPS (especially when it comes to your PC). It’s just like a PSU. Reliable power is extremely important to keep things stable.

Posted in Computing, Personal | Comments Off on “Ladies and Gentlemen, we (hopefully have) got ’em!”

Failed Relationship Count: 7 / Possible cause of ‘fluke’

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Failed Relationship Count: 7
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Go from what I thought he was done feeling depressed and would focus on being
happy that I’m there to give him a reason to live, and all he did was go back to his old
life– “feeling content” on just booping and hugging people.
Novice is like me in ways. Both of us are stubborn. However our stubbornness is different. Mine, not wanting to change my life even though I know it would benefit me, and Novice? …not feeling he deserves to be happy. His stubbornness is weird though, mine’s just.. a refusal to give effort. His just makes no sense. And he knows this. Doesn’t even know why something’s telling him there’s no point in being happy.

In ways I’m actually kind of glad it’s over, because, and let’s be truthful here, it felt.. almost awkward at times. Nearly everyone that hangs around Kovo (or myself), knows Illunovice. They know how friendly he is, and some even questioned if I was actually legit by saying he’s my BF (which made me question if they even care about me just wanting to be
happy).
Why I even wanted a relationship to happen is… I dunno. It’s not something I can explain. I guess, just swept over with emotion and feeling…… desperate. It was desperation, wasn’t it? Yeah, I think so. I literally said to Wufy sometime after my breakup with Novice, that “I wasn’t picky” in anyone that would accept who I am. That is pure desperation.
Was Novice also desperate? ..I don’t think so. He simply got swept over by emotion. Hell we both did, that’s why it seems to hurt (at least me) more than it should be. We didn’t really have a lot in common, but again I felt “not picky”– desperate. Almost as if cupid forgot what month it is (assuming it’s February) and shot both of us with arrows.
But the arrow for Novice, his negative side counteracted the love spell. I tried to help his counteract last week, but… I failed. Yet it’s not my fault, nor is it his fault this relationship just didn’t work out. I do not want him to blame himself for who he is.
His stubbornness, unlike mine, isn’t something he can control. He’s.. too far gone to be persuaded into thinking differently (even though I offered to give him a reason to be happy). Yet, did I truly fail? I second guess this. You can’t fail something you never really tried. Yes I did manage to convince him that he can be happy, yet it was so brief (one
day) that it shouldn’t had even counted as a ‘fail’.
Did he fail me? I definitely felt that yes, but not anymore. There was no fail, when I was only able to convince him for one day. If it was a week and this happened, it still wouldn’t even be a fail then. It was him trying, but his mind can’t do it. His stubborn mind, will not allow him to be truly happy. Not even his fault. It happened from years of.. whatever bad happened in his life to have caused this, that he has no idea what it could be.

So, what am I going to do now? *shrug* Stay out of VRChat for the foreseeable future. Not because I’m upset, but for my own safety and the safety of my friends.
What do I mean by ‘safety’? …From my heart wanting more than just friendship. Snuggling is what triggers my heart into wanting more, and every. damn. TIME the snuggle is what gets me into this mess! ..Almost feel like leaving the furry fandom, as I seem unable to control my emotions anymore. The problem is, how can I leave something that for many years I’ve been exposed to (even back in the days of Facepunch Studios and the infamous ‘Dragon Megathread’)? I was exposed to the fandom even back then. Angry’s also a furry.
Why I say staying out of VRChat is the best thing I can do, until I learn to control my emotions again (and stop craving a relationship). I have to break myself from
this.. whatever it was that caused it in the first place. It’s like, my inner demon is love. Where most people’s demons are evil. When the original Best Boi community ended, the chains of that demon broke free. I didn’t even know this demon existed, I just want it gone. In ways I wish I was like Novice, not feeling I need to be loved. But I’m sure Novice would not wish his life on anyone.

=============================================================
Possible cause of ‘fluke’
=============================================================
Moving away from this depressing Sunday, is a bit of good news for once. So remember about almost a week ago when I mentioned about a fuse blowing? It happened again on the same day (around 11:47pm). Why is this good news? This part isn’t (obviously). I’m getting to it.
Was wanting to try out the new Prison map on Phasmophobia. Get into the world, 5 seconds later.. power goes out the same way as before (fuse being tripped). Kovo’s wondering if I’m OK as I go to reset the fuse. Put my hand on it, this time it’s not hot (at all). No.. no I’m not OK. I’m scared to move, I’m scared to think.
WTF WHY?! AGAIN…?! Ok, this is no fluke! But WHY?! WHY NOW?! This shouldn’t be happening!! All of this going through my head at once as I told Kovo.
He asks me to take pictures of the fuse box, which I do. Says it’s possible the fuses might be going bad… not HELPING when I’m a fucking nervous wreck, Kovo!! The only concern I have is my father blaming my computer for this and taking it away. He tries convincing me that what I have is worse than losing a computer (especially with how old this house is). “I dunno if they even replaced the fuses!” of a question he asked me.
Back in my room, he asks me “do you have a space heater?” I do actually, the one infront of my bed. Taking pictures, he believes my heater’s the culprit (not my computer). So I unplug it and leave it unplugged for the next day. Was getting extremely nervous as time went on. But as it approached the last time it happened, I wanted so bad for it to be the heater.
The time passed, no fuses got tripped! And to this day I haven’t had a single issue (even with the heater plugged in but off when I use my computer). So it’s likely the heater. Now I have the heater plugged to the other outlet, and that too showed promising results.
So yeah, this is the good news I mentioned.

I still do not get why it happened with those two times. The only thing I did differently was crank up the heat on my heater. Maybe this is a sign my heater is dying? I have noticed it’s not producing as much heat as it has before when I’m sleeping.
Bad thing is they don’t make space heaters like they used to– being made out of mainly cheap plastic.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Failed Relationship Count: 7 / Possible cause of ‘fluke’

About Vale / Our bond is stronger now / “Just a fluke…?”

First off, happy December 1st everyone! ..Only 31 days until this horrible year is over with. Yay! Let’s hope 2021 will be better (with COVID vaccines raining from the heavens, ready to hopefully make you immune to the virus).

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About Vale
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There were two things I couldn’t get off my mind; making my relationship with Novice stronger, and telling Kovo that Vale might still have feelings for Novice.
But Kovo was all “wait.. how did you not know this? He’s had feelings for Novice for a long time.” Well Kovo, I’m not exactly in the loop. I don’t really follow these trends.
Kovo mentioned a few others Vale has feelings for. Due to the nature, I’m not going to be listing these names.
And that’s about it for this. Hopefully nothing else happens.

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Our bond is stronger now (at least I hope)
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I think I have a way with people to make them happy. Might be both a gift and a curse. Today I sent Novice a few paragraphs in Discord that I feel we need to get to know eachother better, to make our bond stronger.
Told him that I “have a lot of heavy baggage” and wanna know if he’d be willing to accept me for who I am (and other words like that).
When I was in the call with Kovo, Nova and a few others, I noticed Novice responding to what I wrote. Prayed I didn’t say anything wrong. His response froze me, acting like
all “I’m going to do my thing, but if you wanna talk about us that’s up to you”. Mmm..
Did still get on. Grabbed a few new mods from the VRChat Modding Group (one of them apparently turns your homeworld into a friends+ instance, however it seems like only a mask to you and others still see it being invite only).
At least that was the case for me when I waited for anyone to join, and noone did. So.. huh. Novice was on, but I was worried I said the wrong thing. I waited some more, then decided to send him a single invite. Only one invite. If he’s busy or doesn’t wanna join, then that’s fine. But he did, surprisingly.
Didn’t at all seemed bothered by my words, so.. huh. He told me everyone’s in a private world and was sad about it, that and trying to contact a friend of his he hasn’t seen in a long time. That the last time he saw them was during an argument, and he was hoping to just say hi. Said VRChat.com was telling him the person’s offline yet Discord was saying the opposite. So he had to come on and find out for himself, and saw the website was telling the truth.
He put two and two together and came up with the assumption that the friend’s using an alt, and having to be forced to send a DM to them. This was the perfect time to figure out why he doesn’t talk in Discord a lot. Told me he only uses social media to watch people and stuff like that, not actually message anyone. That’s fine. Understandable.

Then his display driver crashed. He left to go reset, and I decided to go somewhere else in hopes he won’t crash again. He came back, surprised to see the new scenery.
Let him explore this house before I wanted to start the process of knowing more about him. He.. seemed kind of distant though, as if we’re just good friends again. But I told myself if this is what he wants, then I’m going to accept it.
We sat down on the floor in the living room, myself wanting him to talk first about this. He’s having self-doubt, saying how he was “worried this would happen” (with us being in a relationship). Said at the time he was “in the moment”, but now he’s not feeling it as
much.
He doesn’t value his life, and feels life is meaningless, and we’re just going to die
anyway.
Mmmm. I got close to him and said “yes, I know. I feel you. With how COVID is, it feels there’s just no point of living anymore. But when I wake up, I try my best to make my friends happy.” And one time I’m all “Novice, look what’s right infront of you. Look at the one that loves you, and wants to fill you with so much love, to give you a reason to live. When I wake up, all I think about is you.” I reminded him of the bond I made with him of those three words, swearing that I will always be there to shower him with love and affection, and when I’m not I’ll be thinking about him.
When I was done, he stops moving for a bit then suddenly comes over and hugs me, saying he’s “going to cry” but his tear ducts were dry. I hugged him very tight as he starts complaining about eye irritation. I was crying too, of happiness. Knowing I was -this close- from losing him, it was now or never to talk about who I am. So I opened up, and it seemed he was fine with it. He was surprised over the fact I don’t actually work though. But it seemed he didn’t mind. It seemed he wanted me to be happy, just like I make him happy.

We went upstairs trying to find a mirror in this world. There was one in the bedroom. We laid down on the bed and snuggled, him sounding so happy to be with me. Discovered he’s a bottom and all sorts of other things.
One thing I never asked, is if he wanted to meet me IRL or was OK with this being a VRChat relationship. Given what had just happened, time would answer that question. I also never told him about Shoot, mainly for the fact he never once yesterday asked
me “how’s daddy doing” or anything of the sort. It’s possible if he’s not an only child, his RL brother probably saw his messages and saw that “yes, he is getting annoyed with you. He wants you to find someone else, but he doesn’t want to hurt you by saying that” and Shoot has since stopped asking me. At least that’s what I’m assuming.
Novice’s display drivers crashed again while he was sleeping on me, and he noticed to go reset. All I begin to notice (since he told me he was a bottom), was ‘that plump rear of his’.
When he got back, I told him I had an NSFW version of this avatar and he’d like to see it. He said “yee”, so I showed it.
He likes it. ๐Ÿ˜‹ He even liked it after we ERP’d (myself asking for consent first of course). This to me also helped strengthen our bond.

4:15 rolled in, and he said he needed to go to work. He’s the first one that kissed me, and the first one to say “I love you”. That, made my morning. That to me, made me feel he’s not going to hurt me like Jero did.
However a part of me feels Novice might suddenly change back to the way he used to be. Not because of me, but himself having doubts of being happy. I’m hoping with time, I can yank that side out of him to where only hope and love is left over.
I dealt with this when it came to Cola. I think I can do it.
==
See a friend online when Novice left, so I went to go see him just to hang out (though that would’ve been a ‘mistake’ on my part). I wasn’t even planning to tell him what
happened, but he brought it up. He’s happy for me, and hopes Novice doesn’t do what Jero did.
We talked about other things, then suddenly Vale pops up behind me as he joins the instance. Oh shit. Hey! ..Hope you have no hard feelings I’m dating Novice! I didn’t actually say that. He talked about his back and trying to be on leave, and having to wait two hours for a higher ranked person to sign papers. And he keeps talking about his life as a marine.

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“Just a fluke…?”
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It was 4:50am, 10 minutes ’till bedtime. I’m trying my best to care about what Vale’s talking about. Then around 4:58am suddenly my headset goes dark and my computer turns off.
“Oh no..” I said as I take my headset off, thinking something just happened to my PSU or GPU overheating to the point it shut off my computer. Yet everything else but my ceiling fan light was out. My UPS was receiving no power. TV power was out too. It took awhile for my brain to process that I just blew a fuse. …FUCK!!
Got up, grabbed my phone and used its flashlight option. Made my way to the kitchen. The rest of the house has power.. so yay, it only fucking affected MY room. Checked the fuse box and put my hand on it… it was red hot to the touch. What in the FUCK did I do that could’ve pulled so many amps for the fuse to blow?! I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary!
The only thing I could think of was “it could’ve been the wind”, because it is pretty gusty out there. I looked at the switches closely, and started playing eeny meeny mini mo of flicking each one of them off and on to see which one of them would be my room. One of them felt it wasn’t fully on all the way (possibly the one to my room). With that done I closed up the fuse box and went back to my room. Power was back on as expected in my room.
Felt a sense of insecurity. Went over to my computer, putting my hand on the PSU. It didn’t feel hot. Crossed my fingers and turned it on, it booted up as normal. So, thank fuck my computer’s still OK. Still didn’t make me any more confident this issue isn’t going to happen again. Something definitely caused the fuse to blow. Could’ve been all the heaters in the house coming on at the same time (combining that with the wind).
All I can pray is this doesn’t happen again. As I said, I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. It could had been my computer, I dunno. …Guess I’ll be finding out tonight.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on About Vale / Our bond is stronger now / “Just a fluke…?”

A rocky morning at first, but got better (I think)

At least it’s what I.. felt. Though I don’t feel Novice feels the same. Though I don’t feel I went against my word of not looking for love, I feel the way I’m approaching this relationship might be screwing up my chances to lock in my bond with him more.
I feel I need to… well, ‘back off’ a bit. Feel Novice isn’t feeling comfortable with me and doesn’t have the heart to tell me that.
Got on when I saw him on, and I tried to join him. Yet I started feeling “he may had just gotten on, give him some time.” (after I had already sent out multiple invite requests).
I tried.. desperately, to be patient while laying down in a bed in the world. Suddenly I got an invite request and felt like jumping for joy…. until I saw who it was; Klaus. Lol.
Fine, fine.. come on in dude. I was hoping to see Novice, not you! The “it’s a Benie!” and “Hey, I found a Benie!” gets fucking annoying!! It’s perfect for eye rolling.
Klaus was having issues joining when Novice joined me. EEE!! That’s who I wanna
see! ๐Ÿ˜€ He joined me in the bedroom, then started talking to me about how his controller drift is getting really bad to the point it happens without even touching anything.
Klaus joined shortly after, who overheard Novice’s concerns and tried offering advice in the form of “ahh… hate to tell this to ya bud, but you’re going to need to buy new controllers.” The two talked about the issue while I listened in, how it’s a known issue with the Oculus CV1 controllers.
I chirped in saying “Jero had a similar issue with them. It was pretty bad.”

Elsewhere in the world, Klaus tried to give Novice some tips on how to counteract the controller drift (saying he knows the struggle). Novice laid down and I decided to lay down next to him, and then he starts to open up about us. He mentions Vale might still have feelings for him, saying he(Novice) got a few short DMs about what I put in my
status (how I stated ‘Claimed by Illunovice :3’). “I wouldn’t really had put it like
that, but.. yeah.” he had said to Vale. Vale went on to say “good luck” (almost in a sarcastic tone). Like “*laughs* Good luck, you’ll need it.”
Erm Brown GIF - Erm Brown Cony GIFs
…..Mmmmmm.
Calm Im Okay GIF - Calm ImOkay CalmDown GIFs
Okay, okay. Calm down, I can fix this. Just edit your status to something less.. bad! Saying I’m ‘claimed’ by him is probably a bad thing to say right now! However Novice said he was alright with my status as it is. Still, I wanted to undo this and just put ‘Love you Illunovice <3’ in its place, and did it.
So, hopefully crisis averted…? I hope? Novice hopes Vale still doesn’t have feelings for him. This wasn’t brought up again until later on when Novice wanted to do world hopping to see friends he hasn’t seen in awhile (and I went with him). Though one time I tried to be there for him after one of his friends leaving for the night, saying “seems like a really cool friend”. Novice looks at me and asks “what makes him a cool guy?”
Uhhh.. he uh, just is? I didn’t know what to really say but that. Felt I was being judged that time, and decided to just… lay low and not speak unless I’m spoken to (to not embarrass Novice infront of his friends). *sighs*

Was in the Room of the Rain with a few friends. An old friend of Novice joins and the two talk while I stay infront of the mirror, not sure if I should go over or stay feeling I’ll ‘just get in the way’. People around me are snuggling and kissing eachother. Yeah.. I’ll just go over and not talk.
The two talk about life and jobs, and COVID. I stay out of it for the longest time, only nodding to show Novice I’m there for him and him only. Then the two suddenly start talking about relationships. Novice is suddenly all “speaking of boyfriends..”, he comes over to me and snuggles, saying “This is my boyfriend”. I smile when I hear this and give him a big kiss.
“I’m still trying to wrap my head around that I have a boyfriend now, since even before VRChat I’ve been only thinking about myself” Novice says. Kind of the same here with
me (with the whole ‘before VRChat’ thing). He comes over to me again, saying “I’m starting to get used to it though.” That’s good, that’s very good. ๐Ÿงก Gives me a sense of hope I still have a chance to strengthen our bond. Then he starts talking about how two months ago he’s being hit on guys left and right, and talking about “a friend” (aka Vale). All I do is smile and nod.
I start to open myself up to person, feeling confident I’m not going to make things awkward for Novice. We talked about VRChat in the past and about chairs on avatars, and how I made mine so big that people in The Box were able to click on me from the other side of the world and take a seat (which I had significantly scaled down to be much less of a pain in the ass for people).

45 minutes until bedtime, Novice relaxes on the ground (in the rain). I relax with him and he slowly falls asleep resting on me. My heart melts once again over how cute this is, but I know he’s gotta get to work. At least that’s what I thought. Klaus who’s here with us, tries to wake him up. He moves a little, indicating he’s about to wake up, then disappears.
Mmm.. I never got to say that I loved him. Oh well, I knew I wouldn’t have enough
time.
Klaus also leaves, then says a bit later “some jackass kicked me” in DMs. I was with a friend at the time when I’m looking at everyone who could had been the one that did. Had a friend there who was trying to talk to me, but I didn’t want to say anything (thinking I’d be next on whoever’s shitlist). Didn’t make sense. I’m the instance owner (noone else is seen with the crown), so who in the fuck initiated the kick??
Instead I quietly went back to my homeworld and tried inviting that friend and Klaus. I also noticed Novice was still on. Odd.. I thought he went to work.
Klaus kept trying to invite me back to the world, but I refused. Novice joined me, confused to what happened. Said he fell asleep then woke up in his homeworld. Klaus tried one more time to invite me, feeling it was a new instance I asked Novice if he wanted to join. He checked his clock and said he had time. So I guess he doesn’t work at night on Sundays? Hmm.
Back in a new Room of the Rain instance, I was really confused in who initiated the kick. I don’t think it was a kick at all.. but someone crashing him and Novice. Mmm. Whatever. Doesn’t matter now. Novice went back to laying down and I joined him, which once again he fell asleep on my chest.
Moxy Laying Down With Dreamy Eyes, Says Aw GIF - UglyDolls Aww Awed GIFs
I’m such a good pillow for him. ๐Ÿ˜Š Hehehe. Klaus looked at me and asked “so are you two official?” I said “as far as I know, yes”. Then he reminded me where I swore to him I’d never find someone. I said “well, they found me.”
PolanBall joined as it was nearing 5am, said to Klaus “is anyone fucking in here?! Every world I go has people fucking in it!!” Klaus said no. Polan looked at us and asked “what about those two?” Klaus tried to explain it was Novice falling asleep on my chest.
“Why is he under him?” (Polan referring to me). “Because they’re a thing. They’re a couple” Klaus said.
5am hit. Alright sweetie, it’s time for you to go to bed IRL (because I need to). ๐Ÿ™‚ But he was still asleep. So yeah, Polan! Good timing! ..Need your help. But before he could, he shouted that he spilled something and had to go clean it up, leaving the job to Klaus.
Turning off his animations, I said “yep, go wake Novice up” when he asked me if I wanted him to. Klaus tried a few things, then Novice finally started to move around.
He was surprised he fell asleep again. I told him “it’s because I’m such a good pillow.” He chuckled with a “yee”.
We hugged and kissed, and I told him how I loved him. He got choked up and said “I love you too” and then hopped off. I waved bye to Klaus while he wished me a good night.

And that’s pretty much it for that morning. Started off shaky, but got better. The only thing I regret is Novice not having enough time to really sit down with me and talk about our strengths and weaknesses. I want to get this relationship off to a good start, but Klaus ruined my chance to do so (almost acting like a 3rd wheel).
I need to pick a date to do this, and hopefully Novice will have the time in his busy work life to do so. We seriously need to get a stronger bond, so I know this is real and it isn’t going to die out in a few days or a few weeks, you know? This relationship I feel is established enough that we can safely do this (without eachother having a heartbreak if it doesn’t work out). Even Ninja (now AtherianTheDerg) did the right thing by calling off our relationship early before it got too serious (why I didn’t feel a heartbreak and was able to easily get over him and still be friends).
I want a relationship that will last longer than I had with Jero (and NOT have it filled with doubts). If Novice isn’t willing, then I can’t do it. Simple as that. We’ll just be friends. So it’s best we do it while it’s still a fledgling relationship and not when it’s a few weeks down the line.
I need to see what Novice wants for the future; if he wants to see me IRL or if he’s OK with this being a VRChat relationship. Jero was OK, but everyone’s different (and can easily break a relationship.. like me and Wuffer when I told him about my parents!).

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on A rocky morning at first, but got better (I think)

“You’re my first boyfriend” -Novice / Ho Ho Fuck you Kovo! / Might be forced to say something

Want to start this on currently trying to find Kovo’s Christmas decor for the Christmas Edition, tearing through his project folder which feels like I’m in the attic of my house going through my parents stuff.
With two days until December 1st (counting today), I have to hurry the fuck up as I promised it’ll be ready by then.. but I’ve been putting it off earlier in the month as I was
all “it’s not even Thanksgiving yet! Why should I bother??” I really regret that decision.
Hell, I regret promising there would even be a Christmas Edition. I wanna pull it off but there are.. complications in the form of worrying about making the world too big or it not being optimized.
It likely won’t be ready until December 5th (or later). I will list the reason as to the why when I reach that segment.

========================================================
“You’re my first boyfriend” -Novice
========================================================
Yesterday it seemed as if Novice wasn’t going to get on at all from his busy work schedule. There’s one thing I’m starting to not like about him.. how inactive he is in Discord (in DMs). Being ‘Online’ yet saying nothing to me, but he’s done this for the longest
time (even when we were just friends) Most of my friends were in a single world, but two of them were reasons I didn’t wanna join– King Chris and his BF Daybreak. Instead I tried visiting everyone else that I
could, yet knowing I seriously NEED to get to work on the Christmas Edition of Kovo’s world. I mainly stayed with Rivers and Yellowjack, hoping Novice would get on so we could snuggle. Rivers went to bed waiting for his BF who never joined him (how rude).
All I had left to join was Lunar, but she left a few minutes after I joined and never came back. At this time I felt “yeah, I really should get to work on that project”.
Taking off my headset and leaving VR, I backed up the project folder. Somehow made a boo-boo and pasted it twice.

As I’m fixing that mistake, I look at Discord again and notice he’s in VRChat now. Not a word came from him. Mmm. But still, I’m all “stop everything! He’s on!” and scrambled to get back into VR… but he was in the same world as the others. FUCK!! “Alright, maybe just try to not make eye contact and King Chris won’t notice you.”
Back in VR and now in the world, it was jam packed with people old and new. It took awhile until my computer stopped having a seizure trying to load up everyone’s avatars at the same time (even if they’re not close to me).
Tried to hang out with Novice, but he was quite busy showing his affection to everyone (as he usually does). One time I thought he was trying to motion for me to join him in the back area of the world. Once there he told me that my son was behind me. I.. lied saying “I knew he was. I saw you, son. :)” I did see him join via JoinNotifier, but…. I wasn’t really focused on him.
Novice talked about him being into vore and stuff while Shoot ran off and then left shortly after to, once again be alone. *sigh* Look, I.. I’ll talk about this later on.

Moving on, Novice kept talking about things and mentioned how I’m his “first boyfriend”.
I want to say this makes us official now, but I don’t feel fully confident on that. Mainly because we hardly know eachother’s strengths and weaknesses IRL.
The more we know about eachother, the more we’ll be able to work around said weaknesses (one of the three C’s of a healthy relationship). Especially when it comes to me, of how Novice would handle my life.
If this relationship ends with him feeling I’m too much for him to handle.. that will fucking prove right there I have absolutely ZERO reason to be in a relationship (and pretty much answer my question of why Jero left me).
I (somewhat) know Novice’s weaknesses, yet I don’t know why he doesn’t take the time to even say “hi” to me in Discord. I doubt it’s similar to what Jero did, probably just too
busy (even though he’s ‘Online’.. literally as I type this part at this very second, he’s online yet saying nothing to me).
But for as long as I’ve known Illunovice (since the Best Boi era), he’s been such a sweet, innocent, cute boy that wouldn’t hurt a fly (even his friends would agree with that). So I dearly doubt he’s doing this out of malice.
=
But there is something else I’m alarmed to. It seems he’s going under the same ‘relationship V’ I was with Suppy and Jero had just gotten back with me. Though as he tells me I’m the only one that came up and openly told him how I felt about him, another has been giving him “subtle hints” that they’re into him.. and he doesn’t want to break anyone’s heart. Said that even Vale had feelings for him once and he was forced to turn him down, and being thankful it didn’t affect their friendship.
I have somewhat of a bad feeling this might be a ‘Blue VS Cola VS me’ scenario all over again, where Blue was stuck in a relationship V of both me and Cola having feelings for him (and how I wanted to make things easy by having him choose Cola). ..I might be forced to do it again with Novice. Hopefully it never gets to that point.
Right now, I’m going to do my best to suppress those feelings of dread and just focus on being with Novice (while trying to make our bond stronger, so I won’t feel any doubts I may’ve made a mistake by going back on my word).

It was getting close to 4am, the time where he usually has his graveyard shift with me and him cuddling in a private instance. He’s once again falling asleep on my chest. 4am rolls in and I’m all “sweetie, wake up! You gotta go to work!” Nothing, so I tell Alexa to play music and crank up the sound. Still nothing. I keep trying other music types, still nothing.
Lol, where is PolanBall when I need him?? He’s been able to wake Novice up no problem. This feels like Jero when he told me that hugging him makes him sleepy, and he warned me not to do that. Novice might tell me the same, yet he’s the one that does it (when he lays down).. so, lol?
Then Novice starts snoring.
Monster Cute Sticker - Monster Cute Heart Stickers
My heart!! Oh my god, my heart. The cuteness is overwhelming. And then he starts spinning like a top on my chest, while snoring due to his controller drift.
You Spin Me Round Squirrel GIF - YouSpinMeRound Squirrel DeadOrAlive GIFs
I’m dying from laughter at this point as I say “Alexa! Play ‘You Spin Me Right Round!'” She does as Novice keeps spinning around while snoring on my chest, which only makes me laugh harder as the music syncs up perfectly with him.
Two minutes into the song, I hear the sound of someone knocking on a door coming from his mic. I tell Alexa to immediately STFU as I’m pretty sure that’s his father. He wakes up about 30 seconds later, and I tell him “hey hun, yeah.. you really should get to work now”. He reluctantly agreed and we hugged. Told him I loved him and he said the same, and left for his graveyard shift job to deliver food with his father.
Unfortunately I didn’t have time to get to work on the world, as it’s now my mother’s birthday and I promised her we’d go over to Waffle House in the morning. So I needed my rest.

========================================================
Ho Ho Fuck you Kovo!
========================================================
Turns out my mother told me ‘yesterday’ that I didn’t have to get up early afterall, even though I don’t remember her telling me. So, ain’t THAT a kick in the head? I went to bed early for nothing. ๐Ÿ˜‘
Oh well! I need more sleep anyway, so it’s all good. Got to work on the world
today, dreading it. It wasn’t fun looking for the Halloween stuff, and the Christmas stuff is going to be even tougher. I threw empty shit out of his project folder, trying desperately to look for what he had used last year. All I found was the snow texture, which looks like shit with Unity’s tiling (seriously wish there was a smoothing system plugin for Unity 2018 that would get rid of the ugly lines).
I was also trying to find something that would remove the leaves from the trees (like he had it before). I tried using a skybox and that seemed to be good enough. So with those two taken care of, all I needed to was find the Christmas decor he used.
Looking through every texture in the project, turned up nothing. Looking through every file, nada.. nothing. “KOVO!! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT YOUR CHRISTMAS DECOR?! REEEE!!!” I said in Telegram to him. I knew he wouldn’t know, because it’s been over a year. I just wanted to mess with him. Heh.
Then it finally hit me. What he sent me was the only backup he had, which was the Halloween update. That means the Christmas update was technically never made. So.. FUCK. That means I have to go on the Unity Asset Store and find it… if it even exists!

And.. it does. It’s the only free Christmas pack with a sleigh (which I remembered was a centerpiece in Kovo’s world). I also found this one which had the ‘double snowmen’ bug from last year. And it seems that’s also where he found the snow texture. Interesting.
I also grabbed one more that looked cool at first (especially the multiple-boned garland). I wanted to do something special and use these as actual Christmas lights for the village. However the problems with them outweigh the benefits;
-They only come in one color (no multicolored garland). Yes you can set the color by making dupes of the texture, but having to guess which colors would look good at what parts of a building… not fun, not fun at all. But I can understand it wouldn’t be possible to have it multicolored with how VRChat works.
-When bending them, they have visual clipping issues when looking at them from certain angles (disappearing and reappearing).

Pretty much got rid of it at that point. Doing this, I was able to quickly ‘speed up’ work by just doing what Kovo did last year… and then as I was nearly finished and felt happy with what I did, I did a big boo-boo.
Trying to fix the tiling, I hated how the terrain Kovo used for the village road is blending with the snow. So I wanted to see if removing that terrain would help fix the blending. And it.. did not. All it did was REMOVE the fucking path!! Oh fuck. I undid it hoping the road would instantly pop back in like I did nothing… it wasn’t. FUUUU–!!
I felt too lazy to not save in order to fix this, so I tried redrawing the path as close as Kovo had it. A sloppy job with a non-steady hand, but I felt I had it. Yet I knew if I had saved it like this, people would question “what happened to the terrain, Benie?” And I would be
all..
Starkid Trail To Oregon GIF - Starkid TrailToOregon IDontKnow GIFsย !
“It’s.. just a fluke that happened with the world! ๐Ÿคญ I totally didn’t accidentally delete something and had to hand-redraw the terrain for the village!! ๐Ÿ˜…” But.. I can’t do
that (not when I have a perfectly working backup). So, restore the backup and the terrain will be fixed. And sure enough that’s what happened. Just need to recreate what I did. It’ll be quick and I’ll have it done in a day.
The only thing that’ll likely take the most time is going to be throwing all the music from Duke Nukem Nuclear Winter into a single .mp3 file (as the Christmas Edition music… and hope to god people’s computers don’t choke from it trying to load).
I got the idea from the Foxhole Christmas world.

========================================================
Might be forced to say something
========================================================
*sigh*
So this is about Shoot, my son. I’m sorry for not being a father figure.. but god damnit find someone ELSE to hang out with!! Find friends!! I doubt Novice would even be willing to accept being his second father! This isn’t like Fluffy, when Jero wanted us to adopt him. Jero didn’t mind being a dad for Fluffy. Things have changed since then.
…Dunno what to do. Wish he was someone else’s problem, but that’s what I said about Fluffy for a long time. I want to care for him, but he caught me at a really bad time…
What’s worse, Nova can’t help me with him. She’s got too much already to be able to. So I decided to recruit my former son (Fluffy) to help him out. When telling him how I got into this mess, he wants to help me.
However with the holidays in full swing, he hasn’t had a chance to sit down to do so (so he claims). Hopefully one day he will.
…But if he’s unable to help him, then I have no choice but to say to Shoot “I’m sorry, but I can’t be your father. I don’t like how you put me in a corner when I never really wanted a son. I lost the ability to be a father figure, unintentionally by Fluffy. It’s a very
long, troubling story I don’t wish to go over. ..You sadly need to look elsewhere for an RP family, one that will give you lots of love. I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot replace the love Garruk gave you, and I’m sorry about that.
…I’m hoping we can just be friends.”
, and he would accept this to move on. But Fluffy believes he’s already tried looking for others and they’ve turned him down, and now he’s with me. And if that’s true.. I’m stuck with him. :/ Hopefully Novice can help me out though if that’s the case, trying to be a second father.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on “You’re my first boyfriend” -Novice / Ho Ho Fuck you Kovo! / Might be forced to say something

Trying to help my son / Feeling confident to say those 3 words

What a busy month it’s been, and it’s almost over. Soon December will be here. It was busy in VRChat again.. well, busy’ish. Trying to be with Novice and watching videos, him having constant issues with his display drivers crashing.
We felt it might be the world he’s in when we went to Furry Village and he never crashed until much later that night (but only once). Yet before he did, how cute it was of him falling asleep while laying down on me (multiple times).

Awwww.. ๐Ÿฅฐ
Anyway, I’ll get back to this cutie pie in a moment. I need to talk about something a bit more pressing.

=====================================================
Trying to help my son
=====================================================
The ferret in the above picture is my son, Shoot. I do care about him, but not as much as I really should be. I’m not even sure if I should blame myself for that, as he came up to me and was all “can you be my dad?!”
He’s quite clingy, and my friends question me when they hear his super deep voice. But that’s not the main problem here. He’s unable to make friends and gets quite sad from
it, feeling he isn’t ‘fitting in’. I feel for him and have been trying what I can to give him confidence to make friends, but it seems my attempts are one fail after another.
When I said before “I’m no father figure”.. I wasn’t kidding. He’s better off finding someone else to be his father. Seriously. I cannot DO this. I don’t have the patience to be a father (as I did before with Fluffy).
Back then though, I had no excuse not to be a father. Jero left me, Fluffy was all I had and I wanted to give him a really good virtual life. I’m trying to make it up to Shoot by one of these days having a similar ‘father-son bonding day’ I had with Fluffy; drawing things and watching videos together. I pray it’ll work the same (if not better). Probably do it sometime next month.
Honestly though, he needs professional help. Even with the advice I give him, something is keeping him from really opening up. Says he has ADHD. I feel I need Nova to talk to him as a RP mother (something he lost when Garruk disappeared), to hopefully help him get started on the right foot. I wish I didn’t have to get Nova involved (because I don’t want to put the burden on her) but I seriously need help to help him. …I cannot do this on my own.

=====================================================
Feeling confident to say those 3 words
=====================================================
Going back to Novice, there’s not much to say that I haven’t already said about him, of how sweet and charming he is. The fact he fell asleep on me was.. my heart just can’t take how adorable that is. It’s like Jero, but better. As if this is Jero undoing what he did to me by doing all of this (but as another person who says “Yee” a lot when he’s happy).
Hearing him getting choked up when I say really sweet things, is so cute. ๐Ÿ™‚ So with bedtime almost here, I pulled him into Kovo’s house and said “you know when you revealed how you feel the same about me the same as I do for you? And how you said you can’t really say the ‘l’ word unless you can mean it? …Well, I feel confident enough to say those three powerful words, to you. ๐Ÿ˜‰”
Hearing Novice getting all flustered and being unable to speak, was so cute. Hehe. Telling him how sweet and down to earth he is, only made him choke up more. And there is when I felt proud to mark a very strong bond with him. “I love you, Novice”.
Rubbing his head while he snuggled with me, he told me that I was making him aroused. I kept talking sweet to him, and saying once again “I love you, Novice” (hoping he would open up and say the same).
He finally did later on, marking a strong bond between us; “I love you Benie” he
said, sounding proud to say it. I told him “I will always love you”. He said “I worry about myself”. Told him I understood what he meant, then answered with “even with your busy work life, I will keep loving you.” And he was very happy to hear that, saying once again that I made him aroused of him sleeping on my chest.

There is a reason for me saying that, how I feel confident he won’t do what Jero did to me. I feel confident he’ll be communicative with me, and I’ll be willing to work with him when he’s not able to be there in VRChat. Does this mean we’re a thing? I say quite possibly yes. Given enough time, he might have me on his arm (and I might have him on mine).
We spent the rest of the morning in a private instance, just chilling.. him looking cute relaxing on my chest, saying he wants full body so badly;

So yeah, we’re unofficially dating (until I hear him call me his BF). Which might happen soon. The fact he said “I love you” to me is good enough though. ๐Ÿ’•

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Trying to help my son / Feeling confident to say those 3 words

A Thanksgiving Day full of surprises

Hey everyone, I hope you all enjoyed your feasts and hopefully you’ll be reading this blog post from your Tryptophan-caused rest from eating too much turkey and all the
helpings, or if you ate ham instead that’s good on you.
My Thanksgiving Dinner has traditionally been pizza from Papa John’s. But anyway, this blog post isn’t about what everyone ate (even though that would be a pretty interesting community-driven blog post), it’s about what happened to, well, myself today. Though most of the day was uneventful, it mainly happened in VRChat (it was pretty active).

But before I even got on VRChat, I was having some really bad issues with my headset. Thought it was dying when everytime I booted up VRChat.. the headset would turn itself off and show the blinking green proximity light. What’s weird is MR Portal wasn’t even saying there’s a problem (showing ‘Ready’).
Knew I did something since the day before. I tried tightening all my extension cables and the cables in the back of my computer (making sure everything’s secured). Finally found the issue– the powered USB 3.0 box wasn’t plugged in to the AC outlet (yanked the cable out by accident). Plugging it back in and trying again, zero issues since. So I absolutely need it plugged in for my headset to have enough power.
I’ve been spending time with someone named ‘ToucanFugu’. Me and him have been friends since 2019, and about 4 days ago he warned me about Grey. The day before, there was a fallout with Grey and apparently one of his good friends. It’s something that happened long ago and this friend wanted Grey to hear him out, but he refused to hear it.
After my fallout with Grey, he started being a lot more friendly with me (more cuddly and stuff which I definitely welcome). And no, I feel nothing with him. We’re just friends. Also something happened with him that messed up his throat, so he’s unable to talk. I can only assume it might be COVID and he’s a survivor.
Hung out with him for awhile, other friends joined me in this kind of interesting world called “Meanwhile somewhere in Finland” with a mirror you see as soon as you enter the world, and a hot tub down the hill for socializing.
Timber and Frosty also arrived. They asked me what’s been going on since I last saw them. So I explained about Jero, and Timber’s all “let me ask you something. How do you want me to handle this? Break his kneecaps?” Timber, you’re my anger for what happened in physical form and I love it. But I know he’s messing around. Still, it made me happy someone wanted to make him pay for what he did to me.
Kandy who was there, told me that Jero did the same thing to TinkererFox. ..Really?! So, it wasn’t my obsession to move on after all? No wonder Jero doesn’t like Kandy, and no wonder why the spy games happened. TinkererFox wasn’t pissed off at me, he was pissed off at Jero for leaving him to be with me. ..Wow. If I had known, I would had said no to being happy with him.
That would’ve killed it for me. He probably did the same thing to Scooby, who knows.

Later, I saw Novice on (and joinable). Went to go see him. A few seconds after I joined the world, black screen in my eyes. I’m thinking “nooo..!! No no no!! The issue is back!!” Took off my headset and put VRChat on my primary monitor, I saw the screen black. Oh thank fuck, VRChat crashed… not my headset. Not the same issue. PHEW!! Still, a bit concerning. Why in the fuck is VRChat giving me a black screen, though? Is it the world? Is it someone’s avatar?
Tried joining the world by myself, no black screen. So definitely someone’s avatar. I used my safety settings to block everyone’s avatar and rejoined the instance Novice was in. No black screen. So yeah. Only one other person here. Interesting world though. It seems to be based off of a RL apartment (the entire building, not just a room).
Saw the person that is causing me to black screen (with an AFK Novice). He told me “are you fully showing my avatar? Even if you show a part of it you’ll get that black screen”. So I trusted them and hit the Show Avatar button. I could see why I black screen; the avatar has some weird intro that blackens the entire world. Said a friend of his was able to get permission from the creator to do this dragon-like Rexxulum.
It looks pretty good. Later he left and Wildboy joined. We talked about RL things while waiting for Novice to get back from AFK. Said how his driver’s license has restrictions that he can’t drive at night and can only have one other person in the car (it’s not COVID restrictions).
Also telling me he got laid off from his job.. ugh. Never good. And then we talked about COVID for a bit before his BF arrived. He told me that SARS (another strain of Coronavirus) has killed more people than this virus has, and we didn’t freak out back then. Interesting. That and he said his family had gotten COVID but didn’t suffer the same symptoms as most people. Hmmm. What the fuck is really going on here? That’s like the 3rd time I’ve heard this. Even the president when he got COVID, it was mild for him.
So.. what the fuck is going on? Is this pandemic not as bad as the media portrays? Are masks truly worth wearing? Do you know the muffin man? Who the fuck is telling the truth here?!
Are my parents.. right? Is the government just doing this to control us? Mmm.. but, let’s just move on from this rather depressing topic.

Anyway, Novice left as the two avalis were making love infront of me (kissing and licking eachother). He joined sometime after, and we snuggled. The two were still making out and I said “aww.. that’s cute. You two should really get a room.” and they actually did somewhere else in the house. Me being alone with Novice, and opening up to him of how I truly feel about him (how it feels he’s a carbon copy of Jero). Then more people started joining us. One of them was a member of Kovo’s discord server (zradreak).
Got this picture of the two (zra being an ice cream boi in the past);

Such a humble picture. ๐Ÿ™‚
Things were winding down and it’s getting quite early in the morning. I knew Novice would be going to bed soon, so I wanted him to go to a private world, as I felt he was too shy to talk. I was right, and he was unsure how to feel about the sweet words I said to him.
The more he talked, the more ‘Jero-like’ he became; even saying he has a job in delivering food. However it’s not exactly the same thing Jero has (I dunno if he still does).
While we snuggled, he said “can I make a confession?” I said “sure”. I.. prayed (but was ready to accept) him saying that I’m sweet yet he doesn’t feel the same.
…He does, feel the same. ๐Ÿ˜Š “It has crossed my mind of us being in a relationship”. His confession blew my fucking mind. “And something else I wanna say, but I feel so embarrassed. When I’m with you, your voice and the way you snuggle me gives me (NSFW warning here).”
Hehe.. aww. That’s sweet and cute. You don’t have to be embarrassed of that. But he said the only reason that stops his feelings is the age gap. It’s always that god damn age gap. I can be sweet, I can be charming.. but I can’t do anything about my age. ๐Ÿ™ But like Cola last year, he’s willing to look beyond it. And just like Cola, he’s unsure if using those three words is wise and feels he’d be lying to me.
I explained to him it’s perfectly fine, that we can take this real slow (and I want him to feel comfortable). But overall he said how he has tried to be in a relationship before and felt no connection. Yet he feels a connection with me, and that’s awesome. ๐Ÿ˜„
This just might develop into a relationship. He’s even allowing me to call him my “cute cuddly teddy bear” (as that’s what he looks like). He just looks so soft and cuddly and I want to squeeze him. I just feel so happy with him (as happy as I was with Jero).

.
I really pray this very close friendship turns into something more romantic. Imagine Novice being my BF before Christmas (or New Years); a complete 180 from last year. It would be awesome to spend the holidays with someone I really like. ๐Ÿฆพ

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving Snoopy GIF - HappyThanksgiving Snoopy Greetings GIFs
Happy Thanksgiving, fellow Americans! It’s been such a rough year for all of us, and it’s sadly it’s only getting worse with this second major wave of COVID sweeping over the land, once again causing businesses to suffer. Even a holiday such as Thanksgiving isn’t saved from its grip, being told to wear masks even in your own home if you’re not
eating.
But it’s still a great time to seriously be thankful for what you have, especially in these uncertain times.

So what am I thankful for? Lots of reasons.
1. My body not giving up on me (…yet).
2. So far surviving this pandemic with noone in my immediate family getting Coronavirus. Includes my distant family too (my father’s brothers and their family).
3. Not wanting to kill my family for the lies and BS they spread about COVID and the election.
4. My computer putting up with my shit, and allowing me to do a successful case swap.
5. Jero when he had come back into my life, who gave me all the love I wanted from him.
6. My friends (and cuddle buddies) helping me to feel happy after Jero left. I don’t need a group when I already have one in the form of great friends. ๐Ÿ˜Š
7. Harry and all the other anonymous sources that helped straighten my mind up.
8. …The fact 2020 is almost over. One more month to go!!

So that’s what I’m thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. What are you thankful for, huh? Able to find work? Able to support your family? Those right there are some very, very good reasons to be thankful. Coming out of this pandemic stronger than ever is another good reason.

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When someone says “I love you” incorrectly to you

I never thought I’d be posting so much this month, but I am. Klaus was right when he said to “give it time, you’ll find someone”. Sadly that ‘someone’ has a personality that clashes with mine, but that’s not even their fault– I blame myself.

Last year (I’m not sure if it was around Christmastime or not) in VRChat, I was in a special world where you can take a seat and things would be happening infront and around you in a theme park-like ride.
And part of the intro of this, was a voice that started ranting for the longest time about people saying “I love you” in the wrongest of ways (mainly hitting VRChat relationships and how today’s generation uses them wrong). That voice has stuck with me to this day of just how powerful those three little words are. As if some wise man was specifically saying these very useful words to me.

Grey has been using these words, prematurely (and he’s within ‘today’s generation’). Been saying “I love you Benie” even though we’re just friends.. well, we were friends. He’s since blocked me because apparently I “have an issue with his personality” (which isn’t true at all). He just took it wrongly. Then again, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I should had never seen Grey like I did, as it made me regret doing so. Even during our ERP sessions, I regretted lying to him in ‘coming multiple times’. I’ll spare you the details as it’s definitely NSFW.
We were doing things that only Wuffer and I did (the sleep calling, as I said before). Plus him wanting me to go to bed earlier so he wouldn’t be waiting for me.
This is one thing that I’m glad it’s over, because it feels like cringe when I’m with him.
=
Yesterday, I wanted to slow down with all the ERPing we’ve been doing. Try to do something else, like watching movies in one of the movie worlds. This was more of a test to see how Grey handles just chilling. …He’s not, saying “we can watch movies right here. We can watch Stargate.”
During the start of our (final) sleep call, he’s telling me all the things we’ve been doing for the past week. Then he says “I love you as a friend, that will never change”.
Nani..? How can you say that when you were calling me “your dragon” and other sweet things like this, and telling me how much you love me? So that was nothing but a fake romantic relationship. I thought he had feelings for me, just what I’ve wanted in a relationship.
But then he tells me I “should focus more on friendship”, making more friends. Those words stuck to me like glue, while he’s on “just focus on what we did, alright?” ..I don’t think so Grey, you just ruined it.

This afternoon I sent several paragraphs in the form of “telling me to change my life”. I explained why the whole ‘making more friends’ thing isn’t going to work. Well.. it isn’t going to work for me. My current friends don’t ask me how I’m doing on a daily basis and I’m happy about that, as I’m still a loner and that’s not something VRChat’s going to change.
I feel Grey is, well.. too much for me. I need someone more down to earth, more compassionate (like Novice was that one morning). But that’s not even Grey’s fault for the way he is. We all have our own personalities.. sadly mine and his clash, yet that doesn’t mean I have a problem with it. If I had a problem, I’d want him to change. I do not. I want him to be the way he is.
That’s why I felt it was best off if we had defaulted back to just being acquaintances. He took a step further and blocked me, because I never read his messages. The only thing I read was him saying “We’ll see.” and then asking me later on if I had a problem with his personality. Was I wrong for doing that? ..Maybe. Possibly. But then again I..ย  maybe I did have an issue with his personality. But, isn’t that what makes us human? How we’re all different?
It’s OK to be against someone’s personality. You could even be against my personality. Which, I’d ask.. why are you reading this blog post then? Why are you even here? Why am I even talking to you, individual person on the internet? Sure it would make me upset and I can understand Grey getting upset with my words.
But seriously, I had to get out of this mess. I’m sorry I hurt Grey in the process, but we went too far. Even I went too far, thinking he has feelings for me (and even told me before he didn’t). But when I tried to have things calm down back to what they were, he ramped them back up. Yesterday, it was him that wanted to ERP. I was hoping he wasn’t in the mood, as again I wanted to take things slow.
We were going way, way too fast, and he’s the one that ‘threw the first punch’ by ERPing with me. In other words, it was the exact opposite with Wuffer and I (but this time I would be Wuffer). But unlike Wuffer.. I didn’t ghost Grey until a time I had the ‘courage’ to tell Grey this isn’t going to work out. I wanted to get this mess done with.
Grey in ways is like Suppy, but without him being all “I love your X!! I love your Y!! I love your Z!!” as suddenly it was love at first sight for that poor lovesick shiba back then.. at the WORST possible time (when Jero and I had just gotten back together). But I digress.

.
It’s a shame I lost Grey as a friend, and I wish things had gone differently. But Grey
is, well… Grey. And I am me. Asking the other to change just because you don’t like their personality is wrong. I just wish Grey could had taken it better and slowed the fuck down. But again.. that’s his personality. Mine clashed with his, and the only way to stop it is to unfortunately be blocked in order to not see the other person again. *shrug*
And yes I still blame myself for it… in ways. I mean, I know some people who are 20 and act more down to earth than he does. ERP isn’t going to win friendships with me, it’s how well you’re willing to listen. Even as a friendship, I want to feel warm with the other person and don’t mind opening up to. Novice, as I said before, has all the redeeming qualities that I’m looking for (almost an exact copy of Jero). But his busy work life is pushing me away from him and almost ‘forcing me’ to look elsewhere.
Grey almost felt like he was pushing me into a wall and trying to get me to talk about myself. He’s too strong, and made me uncomfortable at times. I tried to brush it off as much as I could, but it felt all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. No longer do I have to worry about him asking me if I’m going to hop on VRC. No longer do I have to worry about not wanting to be there.
And no longer will I hear him ask if I want to play a game with him when he’s bored.

..
I might stay off VRChat for a bit. I feel there’s no point in coming on anymore until I see more activity of friends I care for (and when Virtual Market 5 is supposed to come next month, by the 19th).
Honestly I should just go back to Destiny 2. I feel that’s where I fucked up, thinking I “don’t belong there”. Kovo and Nova need my help, and I really should do something about that.

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