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Depression: Ahh shit, here we go again!
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What an ‘exciting’ 72 hours it’s been, with the Jero drama, the shooting in Louisville.. and now something I’ve wanted but, once again I’m never mentally ready. But like it or not, it’s happening. As much as he feels “nothing will change”, I don’t think he fully realizes what he’s done. Or maybe he has very well realized what he’s done, and he’s going to make me have to deal with it by not allowing me to crawl back to him (in the way of being
a BF ever again).
But honestly I really did need this to happen. I’m glad he finally spoke his mind. ..I just didn’t think it would hurt me so much to have that ‘glue’ be removed from him. But again I needed it. This has gone on for far too long. I don’t know anyone that has re-dated their ex three times in a row. You’d think I would’ve learned from this, to (romantically) stay away from him, and only treat him as a close friend (just like my other close friends).
Just like Novice. Just like Blender. Yet I keep going back to him, and he finally told me to stop that. Just in his own way, to show he’s not trying to hurt me. Infact he was very scared to tell me… scared in he thought I would kill myself. Why I have had thoughts, I’m never going to actually commit to them. Because that’s not me. I love him so much and would do anything for him, but I wouldn’t commit not alive. I’m not that kind of person.
And once again he ‘promises’ he’ll still be there for me as a friend, and “nothing will change”. So I guess I’m just another one of those people who yearns for lust whenever I can get it from friends, without an actual boyfriend. Just join the club of ‘friends with benefits’. *sighs deeply*
I could also take this time to reflect on my life, and try to improve it. But NAAAAAH. That’s for people that actually have the will to better themselves. My willpower is as dead as my self esteem. Yet so is Jero’s, who doesn’t have the will to learn how to keep a relationship alive. And it really upsets me. I did everything I could to make it work. I even offered to change certain bits of my life to make it work! But Jero. refuses. to change. And again, I should had seen this and moved on years ago, telling myself I do deserve better than this. …But I just kept crawling back to him, hoping and praying ‘THIS TIME’ it’ll be different. This time we’ll make it work.
But as they say in the ole ball game: “strike three! You’re OUT!!” And this was the 3rd strike.
So why, brain.. do you want me to crawl back to him yet again? Because it’s not my brain that speaks. It’s never been the one that speaks when I’m like this.. it’s
my (metaphorical) aching heart! 💔 It’s been hurt, and it yearns to be repaired. He’s willing to repair it. Though, not in the way I want.., but the way it has to be. The way where I no longer see him as ‘boyfriend material’. ….He never was. Never. was. He told me this.
And that’s fine, as long as I’m only with him (aka only him in the world). But it’s not going to be fine when he wants to be with Spoon and other friends.
It will no longer feel like “I’m doing it for him”.. and that hurts the worst. ðŸ˜
Yet.. how, when I was literally against this (the irony)? My head and my heart think differently. Yes the heart doesn’t have a brain of its own, so how in the fuck can it ‘think’? My heart seems to control my emotions, especially the emotion of being alone VS wanting to be left alone.
I did say I’m split between myself, kind of like a split personality. One side uses common
sense, the other uses my wild mood swings. And my desire to be loved, to call someone my own is mainly from the second personality.
I dunno where or how this feeling came from, because back in the days of playing WoW I never really had– well, at least not with another person. Back then I did use to RP a lot with myself. It helped me to cope, because I could control my world and the citizens in
it. Including a pretend life for myself where I had a car, a house, and a wife with kids.
Yeah, my imagination was insane back then. I enjoyed it, because it wasn’t hurting
anyone, you know? That’s the best thing. And this RP thing was even before WoW. The Sims Online was really how it sparked. I had created multiple accounts to do my RPing with. Again, I wasn’t hurting noone.. but eventually I was (unintentionally) hurting TSO’s economy as I was able to make lots of Simoleons with these characters.
I didn’t really care for the ‘online’ part of the game. Just used the skill houses for my needs.
–
And it seems VRChat is almost kind of an extension of my RP years, to be someone
else (aka a scalie). Except this ‘extension’ actually does affect real life people. And I do my best not to hurt anyone. I’ve “used what I’ve learned” from playing WoW to stay in the shadows like a creepy stalker, but just enjoying watching others have fun. It was relaxing to me. And I wonder if I should go back to those days, where I played WoW, solo’d dungeons, bitched when my class got nerfed, and watched people duel/have fun while on the Goldshire Inn roof.
Though I doubt it would feel the same. Heol doesn’t play anymore, so no more RP with the inn of him owning it. And I’m sure a lot of the friends I’ve met in that game have moved on with their lives. Hell, I don’t even know if the Alexstraza server still exists.
But again, I still don’t know why I suddenly had the desire of wanting to feel loved in 2019. As that went against one key fundamental in my life: the feeling of “being tied down”, to stay committed to that person. But it’s like something just snapped in my mind, that I would actually be OK to do that. And I think it was because of being a furry. Maybe it just has this effect on you; changes you. I just wish that effect happened to Jero when I first met him.
Being able to hug someone, cuddle someone in VR. I was never really able to do that
in WoW (outside of RP). Hell, I actually think this did it for me. VRChat isn’t like any other game I’ve played. It changed me… and I can’t say for the better. I seriously feel I would’ve been a lot better if I had never discovered that game in 2018. But, eventually curiosity will get me, as there would be more and more videos on YouTube.
.
In closing, I don’t really know what’s going to happen after this point, if I should get rid
of JeroWorks. If I should get rid of all of the pictures I took of– mmm, no. Not this time. I’m not going to block Jero as a way to feel it’s ‘the only way to move on’ as I have before. I want him to prove to me that everything ‘will stay the same’ (even without needing to have him as my BF).
This is a test. I’ll give it a week starting today. And if I feel it’s not working.. well. I dunno. I just don’t want to block him. I don’t feel it’s necessary, not this time. Have to see what happens. ..And hope, it works out.
But what I will not be doing is making a big fucking deal about this to my friends, that he hurt me etc etc. They don’t need to know, and I don’t want them (again) to think of Jero as a bad person. And if they do ask, I’m going to tell them “ask Jero that question. I don’t wish to talk about it. And spare me your pity, as I don’t want to hear it.”
I dunno if that’s actually going to work or what I’ll even say after that, but I really just don’t want to talk about it to them. *shrug* Simple as that. And they’ll have to respect my wishes.
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New CPU & RAM bought
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Outside of that upsetting (but it had to be done) news, I bought myself a new CPU and RAM a day ago (once again, a huge thanks to Cave).
I got a Ryzen 5 5600 (the highest CPU this motherboard can support), and two 16GB sticks of Corsair Vengeance LPX (3200 MHz) RAM. Just thought, I have a beefy card, I might as well get a beefy CPU with it. I’m expecting both in a week and a half from
now (the 23rd).
The CPU though, I worry about. While the link is in English, the pictures… are
in Japanese. Like, we’re talking Virtual Market-like. And close to the bottom it
says ‘Language: French’. Cave believes whoever did the page ‘kind of’ fucked up with
it, and I shouldn’t have to worry about POST showing: “Kon’nichiwa!!” when I boot my computer up. Would be funny, though. Fucking CPU from Virtual Market.