Where do I even start with this one? I have no clue. All I know is I’m trying to stay happy and positive.
For years I’ve been wanting to make others feel happy, while never caring about my own happiness. But what if something managed to change that? What if, I actually did care about my happiness, and actually started questioning– am I happy.. with Jero?
And that answer, is currently “no”. And it will continue to say “no” until he actually speaks up. And I don’t care how ‘tired’ he is, for this is really getting ridiculous. And I seriously do mean that. I seriously DO, deserve better than this.
So what did Jero do this time that I feel ‘deserves’ a blog post? Two things, actually.
1. Last week, when I was upset with my computer and I didn’t feel like snuggling him and stuff, I told him this and said “I would appreciate snuggles”. And I had to say this twice to get a reaction out of him. And what did he say? “I’m lying on my bed”. ..If he was feeling sad, I would not hesitate to snuggle him with love. Instead he couldn’t be assed to get out of bed to snuggle me. All I wanted was snuggles!! And he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t take the time to be there when I was upset, or say ANYTHING to help me feel better.
Honestly, it felt I had spawned a Jero clone and talked to it. Because that’s how one-sided it felt.
Maybe he just didn’t know what to say (as he did try before to tell me what I can do). But still.. he can’t at least get out of bed and try to make me feel better?
2. This is the big one. As I said in my previous blog post, I was in LS Media. We had watched the movie and Spoon left (can’t remember why). I was using the grabber object in the world and was just messing around with a few people. One of these people were talking to Jero.
After I put them down on the request of Jero (to not be a dick), the person mentioned the
word ‘jealousy’ which kind of surprised me, and I tried to quickly explain this had nothing to do with that. Then I hear Jero say “Beeeeennniiiieeeee…” I just stopped talking afterwards, waiting to see how Jero would react. I got no reaction, but I also felt if I ignore the two.. he would definitely feel I was being jealous.
But why wasn’t this handled better? I’m innocent in this, and he seemed to not give me a chance to explain. He just wanted to chat with his friend. But I don’t think he understood that he had hurt me.
–
And here’s the other half of the problem. I had explained to him (via DM) that I was not being jealous, and I’m doing my damnest to control any jealousy I feel. But it seemed he just forgot me telling him I am trying. So I assumed he would respond to this the next night… and nothing. I saw him on his phone. I dunno if he was reading what I said or not.
Another day had passed, and no response from him. Told myself to stay calm and stay happy.
But sadly I couldn’t wear my fake face for long when frustration filled my mind of something that really isn’t that big of a deal (it was a mis-assumption on his part)… also isn’t being addressed in a simple “I’m sorry, Benie” manner.
It makes me think “Ok, now I guess I can no longer have fun around others over the fear of them using the ‘j’ word (and you hear it). Huh? ..Do you seriously have a problem with this now?”
Yes I know he tends to (not on purposely) forget important things like this, but something that is a well-known relationship killer, to me is something you need to slap a fucking sticky note to your brain so you won’t forget, that I have told you I’m doing my damnest not to be jealous! But the fact he hasn’t apologized, really bugs me.
So I asked him Sunday night, that I want to talk to him about this. I saw him again, get on his phone. He was clearly reading it. And I hope we can get this manner taken care of and move on.
We really need to be having these conversations a lot more often. It’ll let me know he’s happy, and he’ll understand when I’m not happy. It’ll be better than just ‘hanging out’ with his friends all the time, when I’m not really enjoying myself 95% of the time when I’m there. I only feel I’m “doing it for him”, and I’ve even told him this. I don’t know these people, and I feel very uncomfortable.
Sometimes I swear he sees the otter community more worth being with, than me (all because he was able to visit them IRL, and Spoon calls him his best friend because of
this).
But he’s a community-oriented person. Can’t blame him for that. Yet 99.9% of the time he doesn’t see I’ve joined, and turn around to see me. He’s usually with Spoon. Yet that’s also not his fault either… it’s the fault of VRChat still not properly implementing all the cool features JoinNotifier brought, to let him know I’ve joined.
But, even if they brought those features in, he still isn’t going to turn around and give me a big hug of being happy to see me. He treats me just like another one of his friends. Though this doesn’t always happen like this.
…I just, I dunno. Guess I’m starting to get tired always doing things for him and he isn’t really ‘returning the favor’ by eventually falling asleep in VR. Yet I also feel my wants are unfair on him. I could even be phrasing everything I’ve said about him in an untrue
way, only based on “how I feel”. …And that’s not fair to him in the slightest.
Though one thing I can say is the truth, is being scared my requests to do X are borderline trying to control him. This is why I ‘let him walk all over me’ by trying to do everything I can to please him (where I won’t have to worry about him leaving me).. and not
myself.
Now I’m actually starting to think for myself, I feel this ‘3rd time’s the charm’ might’ve been a mistake, of me not thinking straight (yet again). It was once again, desperation.
Yet I can’t end it, because I still remember Spoon asking for a commission to be done of someone doing artwork of me and Jero.
…I don’t know what I’m going to do if I do decide to end it. To Jero, likely it’ll feel like a burden finally released of him ‘not having to be something he’s not’. I’m sure he’s tired of these discussions. Why he goes to the otter community, and not to see me. “im on vr if you wanna hang out” is usually what he says. ..I don’t want to ‘hang out’, I want to feel I belong to him, and he belongs to me; not just ‘as friends’. I never want to be known as his friend. I want to be known as his lover. I want him to treat me how I treat him, with love and tenderness and always saying “I love you”…not only before he goes to bed.
As I said before, I want to be loved. Snuggled. Everything a true relationship would feel. I never want it to feel it’s ‘dying’.
I ask him to please show me he loves me, more than a friend. To never say to word ‘friend’. But I fear, he couldn’t do it. Not that he doesn’t want to, but because he doesn’t know how. Maybe I should teach him. …Yet what’s the point of teaching when
he’ll (accidentally) forget it all? Just like being more communicative.
.
In closing, let’s actually speak up about what’s going on, to keep our relationship from getting stale. Because I’m getting tired of this. I’m getting tired of
these one-sided conversations when it comes to hardware, and literally being ignored by him because he finds a movie more interesting than me. At least tell me “hun, could we please talk about this later? I wanna watch the movie”. Be respectful, and I will be respectful in return.
And also… don’t forget about it and go talk to your friends.
EDIT: So he responded, and then some. At the time I came back in the room after petting the cat. Can’t remember the reason, then I saw the responses coming in. He seemed to be implying the whole jealousy thing, but he said “that had nothing to do with it”. I tried to question his response, then I saw “I’ve been having a lot of time to think things
over”.
I took my watch off, put my phone down and walked away to go pet the cat
again in my old room, knowing exactly what he meant by that0 but keeping it to myself. Kept hearing him message me, and I did my best to ignore it as ‘there’s nothing I can do except accept the consequences.. and move on’ with a heavy sigh.
The cat had turned on me unexpectedly. Luckily for me her claws didn’t break the skin. But it sure felt like it. Walked back to the room, still hearing him messaging me. Back infront of my computer I removed the picture of Jero, and said “welp, good things have to end sometime”
I then happen to glance at what he was saying, and I saw “dating me” followed by “please tell me why”. It was something about Confederates, and it greatly confused me what the hell he was on about. He was explaining how my parents “live in a Confederate community”, of why he’ll never be able to see me IRL. So I tried my best to make sense of this and respond accordingly, not understanding it at first but slightly starting to get it.
He thinks Indiana has KKK communities. That may be so but not around here. Though I was still extremely confused what this had to do with what I wanted to discuss with
him.
He offered to discuss this in VRChat, and I agreed. But I told myself to be ready for when he says that dreaded ‘can we just be friends’ line. It took several minutes until he got on. Had him join my homeworld, and asked him to sit down, then said “so how do you want to start this conversation?” He said everything he wanted to say is in the DMs he sent
me. Grabbed my phone and.. saw those words, but I remained calm and collective. After I read everything that I needed to, I put my phone down, put my hands on the table and
said (in a calm tone) “mmk. If that is your decision, then I will accept it” ..but I wasn’t planning to accept it lightly. I had the word ammo primed for this moment, and I was about ready to open up a can of ‘Guilt Trip’ and point it right at Jero.
I reminded him what happened with this 3rd time, of him claiming I ‘kept pushing’ him. “Because I thought you had changed, Jero. You promised me, you were going to work on your communication.” He was quite ashamed of himself.
Then I went back to the first part again, and said “I’ve actually been waiting for you to tell me this”. He was confused and surprised. I continued with “because I cannot do it myself. I explained this to you before, that everytime I think about it I keep crawling back to
you.” And he reminded me how we can still be friends and ‘nothing would change’. Seems you forgot the last time you said that, but sadly that was never on my mind at the time.
Plus I don’t think he truly understood when I said “I’ll never find another like you”. The way he thinks, I won’t need to find anyone else. And if I wasn’t.. well, me, yeah. That would work. Having Jero as a friend just doesn’t have that same ring to it, and I really don’t know why I feel that (outside of ‘the memories we had’ and ‘I don’t want to be forced to move on.’
He doesn’t seem to understand this. Or maybe I don’t (or don’t want to, of the fear he does find someone and spends more time with them and I’ll ‘never see him again’)… why in the fuck is my brain so messed up? I really need to see a psychologist.. oh that’s right, there’s no actual qualified psychologists around me. Most of them are 1-star reviews.
Plus I really doubt he would be looking for someone else, or accept someone else. He wasn’t going to after what happened with his last BF.
–
The next thing I remember is him saying about how he wants to be friends, has to do with stress of what he went through. And what he told me was pretty justified.
So he has some (temp?) job at a bar, how it was Easter and apparently to him (or maybe it’s a European thing) it’s kind of like Christmas; to be with your family. And since it does have to do with Jesus being hanged on a cross, sure it could be treated like a holy
holiday. But in my family, we saw Easter as the commercial side: lots and lots
of dentist (and hospital) visit approved candy. If you don’t get the ‘joke’, don’t worry about it. It will eventually bite you in the ass one day… trust me. I ‘speak from experience’. 😒
(Fuck having to eat healthy).. sorry, where was I? I digressed all over the place. OwO
So, Jero had to leave though he didn’t want to as yeah it felt wrong to leave your family on such a holy holiday, but he was scared the friend would disown him if he didn’t go. This is understandable. Thankfully his family allowed him to leave.
So he was with his friend (and some of their friends) in the friend’s car. And this is where things. got.. bad. Now sadly I wasn’t fully understanding every word he said to help explain what lead to the other (which is why I’m better off recording what is said to play it back, to help my mind remember what was said), but what I do remember is the friend suddenly.. well, felt suicidal… and wanted to kill everyone in the car by driving into a tree at high speed.
But since I’m not talking to a spiritual apparition of my BF, the friend wasn’t able to complete his suicidal tendencies. Jero was able to grab the wheel at the last few
seconds, saving everyone. And he wasn’t upset with his friend. He told him he wasn’t
upset. A bit later, they got onlookers who were understandably worried about them. And I really cannot stop thinking about it even as I write this. I couldn’t imagine myself ever having that same split-second, life-saving decision to grab the wheel to save
everyone. Not that I wouldn’t, but my reaction time is non-existent compared to him. If there was a simulation of that between me and him, I’d probably get an F- (and be ‘dead’).
..Whoever the angel is that’s watching Jero, somehow empowering him to be able to do that, thank you. Whoever you are. You’ve made him save himself twice.
And that’s when I gave him a huge hug, erasing any anger I felt before. But that isn’t the only thing going on with him, and another reason why he feels we should just be
friends.
It’s his family. Though he already mentioned this before, he told me he went to a local furry con last week. He had a great time, and he was using his father’s phone to record everything. So his mother (sorry, I have to say the proper English way: ‘mum’), saw what Jero had recorded on his father’s phone. Jero said the phone wasn’t locked, and it’s his father’s fault. Honestly his father shouldn’t be the one to blame here, but I’ll get to this a bit later.
Going back to his mum, who saw her son.. dancing with gay men and stuff like that. That’s a big yikes. I can’t remember what he said to defend himself, but he knows this is only going to go downhill from here on out. He still loves his parents, very much.
I suggested he sit down with his parents, and have them watch some YouTube videos that discuss ‘what is a furry con’ while explaining it’s literally the same as cosplaying as your favorite character in a movie or a TV show… while also using that character as an extension of yourself (your Fursona).
Hopefully that will help his parents understand who their child is, and to be supportive of his life choices. And.. he might not have to make a very tough (but firm) decision on what is more important in his life: me, or his parents. And if it does come to that, I would want him to make the right decision and pick his parents. Family should always come first.
What that means if I’ll ever see him online again, I dunno. It’s just his parents really can’t do shit to him when he’s living on his own, in his flat. They can’t stop him from hanging out with me. That decision, would be up to Jero himself. Even if it means we’ll simply remain friends.. then so be it.
–
Though one thing that got me is him saying to my face: “I have no partner”. ..What about me? But I believe he is referring to not having a girlfriend. And this is also where the
whole “I’ll never be able to meet you IRL because of your parents” thing came from, with him.
He really wants me to think about this, it seems. But before I talk about that, I have to wonder one thing that he never explained the reasoning to his actions. Why, was he using his father’s phone to record him being in the Fur Con, when he has his own phone?
…That’s not smart, Jero. Unless, his phone’s battery was dead and his father lent him his phone, or he mistaken his father’s phone for his. Both are acceptable possibilities.
Right, now it’s time to think about this entire thing. Like, yeah it’s OK to just be friends with him and go look for someone else, if I truly am fed up with all of this. He even said what he said before: “I don’t want to hurt you”. ..I’m just not sure if it’s even possible to look for someone else. Jero is one of a kind.
Yeah I’ll always have him as a friend, but.. I dunno. Actually I do know. I still remember in the past. One of Creepery’s friends (that I no longer remember their name nor do I talk to them) told me how I “like the title”. And I can’t help it. To this day, I still.. like calling someone my BF (or GF). It feels I accomplished something in life. But most of my BFs, I was always speaking from my heart instead of my head. And I can’t. fucking. HELP IT. Maybe it’s a kink? Is wanting to call someone your BF/GF a kink? Maybe. But, Jero literally is literally everything I want. Except he feels he can be all of that without needing the ‘BF’ tag. *sighs deeply*
Fuck I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Yeah, I don’t want him to hurt me by not letting me know what’s going on in his life (aka being communicative). I don’t want him to hurt me by not believing I’m not trying to be jealous. And I don’t want him to hurt me by not wanting to cuddle me when I’m sad.
Oh, and by the way. About that. He claimed the reason why he ‘didn’t want to’ hug me is because he had hurt his foot by hitting the side of it into some very expensive DJ equipment. Yet the timing that he did it just doesn’t seem to add up to me, but at the time I couldn’t think of how to clarify what I meant. Though about his foot, it’s OK. He scraped it up but he’ll live. As far as I know (though he never told me how his foot has been
doing.. nor did I think about asking), I can only assume it’s better now.
So, that’s that. If I’m going to just be friends with him, I don’t want to feel he ‘hurt’ me with this decision. Because that’s every time we broke up in the past; he hurt me.
But as I said if it comes to that tough decision with his parents, I will have to accept it to make sure his parents accept him. All I hope is I can continue to be his friend.