A lot of you have been asking me if I’ve been still holding up, if Jero’s still keeping his promise. And I really appreciate the support. And all I can say, is every day has been a new adventure. If those adventures have been filled with love, filled with regret, filled with confusion, filled with ‘not feeling I fit in’, or filled with “was I right?”; it’s still adventures in life.
For the moments that have been filled with love, is (of course) all the times where I feel he’s been mainly with me. When I’m in my homeworld and we cuddle (or when I tickle him), and recently where he actually held me and I felt secure. I dunno why I like that feeling, but to me it feels great to be held. It’s a fantastic way of saying ‘I will never leave you’ without words.
I still tend to wonder, just how long can he keep this promise. And I dunno why I keep thinking about this. I guess because, I’ve heard this in the past and promises can accidentally (or intentionally) be broken.
—
For the moments that have been filled with regret, it was the second night since the thing happened. Wanted to go back to my homeworld, and we can both sleep in the bed. But when Jero was falling asleep I saw a few friends on that I decided to bring them here to talk to them. I just didn’t expect to talk to them all in one go.
I mainly wanted to talk to Blender, to hear from him of the true reason. As I said before I was pretty sure I already knew the answer, but I guess I was a glutton for punishment to know the truth. And Blender, definitely let me have it. I was not patient. And there’s
also Jero right there, possibly hearing every word we’re saying. The timing to this entire situation couldn’t be any worse than it was.
I was forced to quickly change what I wanted to say to “well, Jero and I are not a thing anymore. But he’s promised he’ll never leave me”. And then I hear Jero saying how he promises. And I felt ‘alright, I saved myself’. But I still felt like shit to Blender. Plus I promised Jero we’d sleep together.. not me visiting my friends. Past my bedtime and with everyone gone, I tried to apologize to Jero about all of this. But he was OK with this.
But Jero was OK with this surprisingly, nomatter how much I apologized.
—
For the moments that were filled with confusion, this happened yesterday and the same day I was being held. Recently, VRChat released an update that unlocked eye tracking
for Questies. And the Awtter (the otter avatar) started having ‘derpy eyes’. To explain this is simple: the update fucked with the avatar’s automatic eye tracking. When you look straight ahead, the eyes will be looking in two different directions.
The reason why I bring this up is Jero said he was going to use his Dutchie until they fix the problem. And I said “well if you’re going to do the retro you” and started showing off the old avatar skins I did back in 2018. He liked them.. until I went to an avatar I remember a lot of history with. Jero, wasn’t there in this era. But he never really made this clear at the time (at least to me). It’s the ‘Benie Bunny’ avatar. Almost immediately he started to freak out, telling me to stay away.
I was very confused. It’s a cute bunny that looks like my sona. Why be scared of it? And he wouldn’t tell me why it was making him freak out. ..I was starting to take offense to this for not wanting to tell me why it’s so terrifying. He was even starting to ignore me. And I decided to leave the world, annoyed and still very confused why he’s doing this to me over an avatar. I tried to calm myself down, to not make such a big deal about this.
But as time went on my frustration grew. I even went back to the world he was in, hoping he would see me and I could talk to him. But again… I kept being ignored and I could not figure out why.
It was almost bedtime for me when I was with other friends. They were all asleep and I noticed Jero actually wanting to join me. I’m thinking “he probably just wants to join me to say goodnight”, but I couldn’t invite him to the world. So I went back to my homeworld and invited him. Nearly ten minutes later, he joined. He acted like he did nothing
wrong, but when he asked me “how’s it going?”, I said “well, things were going
good.”
Confused, he asked me what I meant. So I switched to the avatar and again he freaked
out. And finally I could confront him (without Spoon) about this. And then he told me it’s the eyes. My anger very slowly started to fade as I tried to explain how I was feeling, and he said it had nothing to do with me, that he wasn’t ignoring me and stuff. So I explained the rich history of the bunny avatar, and there he apologized for giving me the wrong
idea.
And I forgave him, of course. …Again, it really wasn’t that big of a deal and I shouldn’t had gotten so upset. He just, kind of made it a big deal by not wanting to tell me why he didn’t like it. And this is why I fail at being an adult.
—
For the moments of ‘not feeling I fit in’. This was in the same timeframe as the above. Though I felt this when I’ve still been dating him. I’m talking about Spoon’s discord
server, Spoontaneous Fluff. The only ones I know there are Tempest, Jero, and Spoon himself. And it’s the only ones I.. only really wanna know either. With my feeling of not being a fan of the whole ‘community’ aspect (I have mentioned this before), there’s been a few characters of his server that honestly need their own role of how I rate people, that I don’t just avoid like the plaque but want to stay clear away from.
I still remember one time in LS Media, I overheard Spoon asking everyone there “who would you have sex with in this room”. Then he approached me and asked this, but also adding “excluding Jero” to this. …And I could not give him an honest answer. All it did was remind me of trying to play Never Have I Ever with randoms, and not moving from the starting line. And then harassing me with questions like “never have I ever owned a
house” to see if I’m ‘adult enough’ to move up… and I didn’t.
Fast forward to yesterday when I felt disappointed in Jero and waited patiently for him to notice my presence, I saw him with others as Spoon was talking to them all. And noone came up to me and asked me if I was OK. I was treated like the stranger I literally am in that discord server.
I have been strongly thinking of leaving. I couldn’t hold a candle compared to the active members in there.. but I know the consequences would far outweigh my feelings towards this. Aka, Spoon will be asking “why did you leave”, and so will Jero. And I could even possibly be treated like an outcast.
This is not an ‘if it’ll happen’ or ‘it could happen’, that initial response is guaranteed to happen to my decision. And I won’t really be able to explain “I’m not a fan of groups where I just don’t feel I’ll ever fit in. I’m just a lurker there. You would want someone more active in your server,” and even saying it like this feels pathetic. I’m literally stuck here, because originally why I joined is I wanted to keep tabs on Jero’s activities. But since we’re no longer a thing.. I–I kind of really don’t care anymore.
Besides, I feel ashamed I can’t have the courage to join their call. That’s one of the main reasons I want to leave. And I definitely do not feel comfortable around the server
staff (and the Admins), with how active they are in VRChat when Spoon’s on. Especially the one that mainly wears black and likes to dance a lot.
—
There’s also a 3rd reason why I want to leave that server… the final moment: “was I right?” Let’s just say there was a good reason why today, I didn’t really feel like playing VRChat and think that I ‘need a break from Jero’. I’m actually glad Kovo wanted me to play Guild Wars 2.
Around 4pm I noticed Jero was online in Discord and he wasn’t usually going offline, and I noticed he was in the call of Spoon’s server. Was this the problem? No. Of course not.
THIS was…
(Before I start, please do NOT harass Globular or Jero. The picture was only to show what I saw, not to start a flame war. Thank you)
How I remember Jero telling me that he’s been having a very close friendship
with Globular, the day after we stopped dating. Ohh, you remember the name? You remember the blog post that I did where he claimed I was being jealous (and I wasn’t)? Hoo boy, am I jealous now.
But, I have been trying to calm myself completely down, telling myself “they’re just friends” and that I can imagine how the conversation with the two went and my pessimistic side is currently the one talking. Fuck.
Can see Globular asking Jero “are you and Benie still dating?”. Then again it’s highly possible that question was never used, and this was all just a huge coincidence that it just so happened four days after we stopped dating. Though maybe they had just then really blew up their friendship and it had nothing to do with throwing me out of Jero’s
life.
The other thing that I believe ‘saves me’ (from losing Jero) is Globular is a minor (15 years old), and Jero has told me that Globular will say “Jero, I’m 15!” if he starts to get a bit frisky around him.
I probably have nothing to worry about this, but it is a bit disturbing to see Jero’s avatar in someone’s PFP.
However, I’m NOT going to bring this up to him or Globular. I promise. I likely don’t know what really happened (could be as simple as Globular asking Jero if he could include him in his PFP with no ‘threat’ to me) and if I were to ask.. yeah, I don’t want to deal with all of that drama (and highly possibly losing Jero as a friend anyway, achieving nothing in my quest for knowledge).
It’s not worth it. Not at all. So I’ll keep my muzzle shut about this. But I will keep my eye on Globular for now on. He says he’s taken by someone else. But if he changes that name to ‘jeromeah’ (and Jero himself confirms it but also claiming he “won’t leave me”), let’s just say things won’t be good for Globular.
But I only say this for dramatic effect. If this does actually happen, we’ll have a calm conversation about this, and I will wish him luck.. emphasis on the whole ‘luck’ part.
.
And this is why I made this blog post. So far I’m ‘ok’ with this transition, but I had to bring up things that have been going on.. that could be problematic for me.
But I will continue to act normal.
EDIT: I’ve decided to go on and just leave Spoon’s server. I know I’ve just opened up the flood gates but honestly, it’s for the best. I’m not friends with Spoon. I don’t know him as much as Jero does, nor do I really care to.
Since the Best Boi community, I stopped being part of ‘unofficial’ communities.