Last night was pretty good. Even though we’re not ‘a thing’ anymore.. it still feels we are. And maybe I was wrong for fearing the repercussions of this when it comes to his
friends. Because after all, they really don’t need to know we’re just really close friends. As long as I don’t make a big deal about it, everything will be OK.
And I don’t need to worry either that he’ll find another. He’ll decline them all. Though not
to ‘protect’ me, but to protect himself from harming anyone. I’m still free, if I wanted to, to look for another. But, again, I don’t feel it’s worth it. And that’s not a bad thing. Gives me time to learn from this, to not go for the first cute face I see and feel they’re boyfriend material. Aka, learn from what Atherian said about his experiences: take it slow. Don’t rush into it. Don’t feel desperate for love. But again, I still got Jero as a friend.
Before (aka the first time I broke up), I never gave him a chance to prove to me ‘nothing will change’. This time I am. And also back then, Jero had no idea how I truly felt about him: the true, undying love I feel for him. This is why he is able to fully promise, he will never leave me.. that we don’t have to be a thing to still feel the same love.
And as I said, last night he definitely proved it. I hope he’ll continue to prove it, even standing infront of me if I feel I’m being silently judged (by the ones he hangs out with) for being single.
But as you know (lord forbid) the unthinkable could happen at any time, where he would just stop coming on for days, weeks.. months. Even years. I still remember him asking me the night before, how I would react if that ever happened. And I told him, I would be
sad. I would be upset.
…But I would never end my life over it. And I promised him I wouldn’t. For my love for him is very deep, I wouldn’t be the kind of person that couldn’t live without him. He would never want me to do that. He would want me to move on. And that’s exactly what I would do if that ever happens, for I have good friends that’ll do whatever’s possible to help me cope with the loss. I know they would. They care for me so much. They wouldn’t want to see me sad. I would find a way to remember him, and grieve for him.
*I start to feel sad, then you hear the sound of a record skip and Jero blowing all of those thoughts away with a giant fan, and giving me a big hug and kiss*.. heh. 🥰😌 He’s still here. He’s still alive. And as long as he’s alive, he will always love me. 😊 I believe him. And that’s all I really ask. We don’t have to be more than just friends, as long as he keeps his promise.
I, well.. always pictured the ‘boyfriend tag’ to “protect my property” from others who would do him harm. And I got that from my RPing, of the way nature works. You find a partner, and you make sure they don’t mess around with others. But this was also a bad thing when your partner isn’t OK with being ‘controlled’ by you. They want to have fun with others. So what can you do? Well, you either feel this isn’t going to work out, or you agree to make it into an open partnership.
Except this also has its drawbacks, in the form of your partner not really acting like a partner.. but a slut to many. That, and if your partnership is a virtual, distant one, your parter might not feel, or doesn’t know how to tell you, what’s happening in their life.
..And that’s where things fall apart, aka the recent end of my partnership. Yet I refuse to call it a ‘breakup’.
—
And here’s the really funny thing. More like extremely shocking, but I pretty sure there’s a lot more to this than what I was told. So I saw Orion on and decided to join him, who was with Blender. I waited my time as they were with others. When Everyone but them left, I asked them “so what’s been keeping your relationship alive?”
Orion looked at me and spoke one word: “communication”. Immediately, red flags showed up in my mind. I looked at Blender then back at Orion and… well, I really wanted to
ask “really? But Blender.. isn’t known for excelling at communication”, but I wanted to be respectful and not cause unnecessary drama. And I said in its place: “that’s great. I’m glad you two are happy”. Just to show I’m being supportive and, hoping I could get Blender alone one day and him telling me what’s really keeping them afloat.
And I’m pretty sure I already know the answer: Orion’s patience. *sighs* He’s more patient than I am. ..Which is why I’m still surprised Jero was OK with it when we were dating, and it’s one of the ways I feel ‘he tolerates me for who I am’… as long as I don’t constantly bug him about a PC problem that he swears it’s fine.
Orion tolerates Blender. He doesn’t mind the lack of communication, and I’m happy
for Blender in regards to that. He deserves to be loved. But I can almost hear Jero telling me that I also deserve to be loved.. why do I not feel like that right now? Oh yeah. I made myself depressed again that it couldn’t had been me in Orion’s shoes, being the one that was willing to tolerate. …Couldn’t even tolerate Mibit.
Well, at least, I’m at a good place now. A place where I don’t ‘have to worry’ about finding
another, and having to make myself feel ashamed when they ask about ‘my job’ and stuff.
Jero is there to fill up that hole in my heart that he… caused. And my heart appreciates him mending it back up.
But I look into the near future, where I’ve reminded myself that he’s still trying to find a job, and knowing I won’t be able to see him as much because of those long hours. It honestly would be no different than when we were dating.. including having to be
patient.
The only thing that’s different is he won’t have to fear me saying “you’re not being communicative”. He’s literally just like my other close friends now. And I keep telling myself this.. as much as I really don’t want to. But, there is always other games if I don’t feel like coming on VRChat for weeks, or even months while waiting for him to get on.