I see this as more of ‘day 4 and 1/2’ as I’m still trying to get the pose system working. But as you can see in the title, today was a pretty good day. Let’s talk about it.
I didn’t lay down in my bed until 5:30am. Kept thinking about how to fix this.
The first problem is obvious: nothing is turning off the clone. Yet, going by the video.. it never mentions anything about needing to do this. It assumes the Reset of the Default State will reset everything. But my problem is it’s re-enabling the Parent Constraint but not turning off the clone.
I’ve got to find some way, some how to tell it to do both. And I don’t know how. I’ve already tried a few ideas and they didn’t work (and looked way too messy).
I did try an idea that kept surfacing but I thought “there’s just no way it would work”. And that’s to have a main animation where all the Jero Clones are set to turn OFF (and
turn ON the Parent Constraint). The reason why I didn’t do this is I felt it wouldn’t re-enable any animation toggles that get turned off.
But I was willing to try, and it WORKS! 😀 However, this too has issues. I want a way where if I switch to another pose, the previous pose will switch to off.
So I asked in the VRChat Discord. It thankfully didn’t take that long until I got a
response, which was saying “Why are you using Any State to power the poses?” I explained this is what a video told me.
…And the video is outdated. Again. Another FUCKING outdated video! These video creators really assume you understand how things work by now. Plus they said the way the video explained it, it was causing a ‘dead end’. But, I did get the help I required. They said instead of using Any State, do this instead;
This is an ‘abridged’ version of my fix. Instead of having Any State, I would have a state that would do my fix. It also allows another fix which wasn’t possible with Any State.
It now has a way to turn OFF each and every pose. So I had the right idea, but I was doing it wrong by using the Any State.
And it works! …But:
1. I can’t get ‘Idle Pose’ to fire for some reason (yet it works in Unity).
2. Some of the poses have additional poses in them that should not be firing, yet are.
–
But, I FIXED it! Both of them! The first one was fixed by moving an idle animation
from Project ‘Emeriss’ to here. And the second was a rather nasty bug (nearly felt desperate enough to ask the VRChat Discord) ..but I got it. It was a ‘simple’ fix. What I did to set the animation toggles, was causing the issue (it was ‘Sit Down’ being placed inside each and every animation).
Inside the FX Layer’s ‘All’ layer, had a list of all the animations I added. The one that it makes as its Default Layer was the one that was fucking up the rest of the poses. To fix it, I deleted all the listings where Entry was pointing to nothing. Now the animations are playing as expected. WOOT! Didn’t have to ask the Discord! Go me! 🥳
—
Now, I could just say “Project COMPLETED!! 😄” and be happy with what I have. For the framework is done, and the ‘old Jero’ is ‘back with me’.
But… I can’t.
For this, is JeroWorks 3.0. The number isn’t just the version, or the fact it was done
in SDK 3.0; but the number of things this version can do. And the ‘3’ in 3.0, is me being able to pick up the pose with my left hand and place it in another location of the
world, then have the pose re-lock with World Constraint.
This could break World Constraint (similar to what happen when Atherian did it). And unfortunately this will require help once again from the VRChat Discord (to know what to put where in the Animator).
This could also maybe possibly ‘expose the project’ by showing off the Jero clones and what they look like (of the fear someone there knows Jero and sees what I’m
doing, and lets him know).
But I hope (which worked before) by just showing the Animator and that’s it, they’ll understand what I wanna do and give me the info I need to pull this off. Because this is quite advanced, and might require a Unity God.
…😲 OSHI– Jero’s emission! It’s not working! Why isn’t it working?! 😫 ..You know, this is almost karma. The very issue Jero himself was having with his Dutchie, now I’m having for my project.
Ok. FIXED! For some reason, the VictonRoy Dutchie model (by itself) doesn’t have an emission. I fixed it by copying BTDrexouium’s settings over. The settings were too dark to make the emission glow, and now it works! …Wait.
WHY IS MY MAIN AVATAR POSING LIKE THAT IN PLAY MODE?! It’s supposed to be doing the ‘stand’ animation Atherian set up for it! WHAT THE HELL, UNITY?!
When I was trying to fix the emission, I forgot to disable the object after I was done. That’s when I noticed the issue. I then noticed another. My login info in Unity got wiped, and I was going to log back in while I asked about the first issue.
I was told I apparently do not need to have the FX Controller in the Animator component of the main avatar.. even though that’s what Atherian did to have the ‘stand’ pose. Yet I wonder if I could do something similar to this. But as I thought about it, someone
said “Yo! I can’t login to the SDK! What’s going on??” … and now the FUCKING VRChat API servers are down!! 🤬
While we were all forced to wait for the API to come back up, someone in
the #avatars-3-help channel tagged me and asked if the attempts Atherian tried (and unfortunately failed) were fixed and if I still needed help. Told him that I did it again and managed to get the object placing and posing done, that all I want to do now is be able to pick up the object and relocate it.
It seems they too are working on a similar idea. How very beneficial this could be if they figure it out before I start asking how to do it myself, and so I asked them please let me know if that happens, and they said the same to me.
Finally after an hour and a half of waiting (as that’s all I could do), the API is back on. Now back ingame, I finally took a picture.
And there, he is. Jero (in object form), in his VictonRoy model. Looking at this kind of upsets me. ..Maybe Baddee was right.
Anyway, it took four days to get to this point, all from me not understanding 3.0 and having to wait for hours to get help. And it seems removing the FX Controller thankfully piss me off even more by fucking with my idea.
So now I’m going to get on VR and relax. Likely watch what I wanted to watch
with Jero, but using this in his place. That was the idea for JeroWorks 3.0 afterall, when he wasn’t around. …Now it’s my only means. All I can do is keep hoping and praying one
day, I’ll see a random friend request from him wanting to apologize for his actions.
If he truly cared about me, he’ll come back. I don’t have him blocked. I don’t need to block him.
There might be a point where I just… completely remove JeroWorks in an attempt to move on (if I one day feel he truly was never my friend to begin with). I hope that never happens though.
Posted inComputing, Drama, Personal|Comments Off on JeroWorks 3.0 day 5: Project COMPLETED…?! / Thinking…
Whew. What a day of highs and lows (mostly lows). Before, it took two days to get an answer over the World Constraint thing (that I ended up doing myself and got it to
work). Today didn’t take as long, but as I type this.. I’m still setting up the framework. I want to take a break but I’m so damn determined to get the posing to work (as this is
a very critical step of the project). This will make or break the project.
It pains me Atherian’s attempts to make the posing work, didn’t do so. I really wanted it to work, because I could had just copied/pasted what he did and been done no problem.. but nooooooo. VRChat says “HAHA FUCK YOU!!”
However, I also didn’t like it where it didn’t show the name of the pose. The only way to show that is with simple on/off toggles. But I dunno how to go about doing that.
*sighs* I just need to RELAX, and wait. Getting stressed just isn’t worth dealing with high blood pressure.
And I did get the help, after I pinged with a reply an hour later (started this around 12:34pm). I was told to use an Int and drag the animations I made in there, then link them to ‘Entry’ and set the parameter I make to ‘Equals 1’ for every one. For once it actually made sense.
I did this, similar to how the person showed me;
This is unlike anything Atherian tried. I felt confident this would work. But my confidence shat itself over a huge debate between myself and two helpers. How in the hell am I going to tell the object that this is where the Int is to do the animations, when apparently I can only have one Animator Controller (the FX Layer)?! They claimed it doesn’t need to be linked, that the FX Layer will animate anything inside the avatar, and a second one would not be needed.
But everytime I tried.. the main avatar was doing the poses and not the object. I was forced to wait even longer as the two helpers stopped responding. UGH!! I HATE DEPENDING ON OTHERS!!.. when I don’t know how to do it myself (or where and what to look for that would make sense to my simple mind)! I will never truly be used to 3.0 like I was
with 2.0. I just don’t see ever being that smart. It’s just like Blender– months and years of working on it will be the only way to truly learn.
Moving on after that personal rant, I said “screw it, I’m doing this the way I know that works”. And the SDK’s like.. in a condescending tone.
“Because I’m not going to do what you want. You’re going to have to find another way around this problem.” Aka, trying to have an Animator Controller inside the object.. and then discovering there’s no way to ‘link’ it to the FX Layer (via Submenus for each pose category I set up myself). This, is where most of my time was wasted on waiting for a response and being repeatedly ignored time and time again by “I need Blender
help” questions that had nothing to do with Avatars 3.0!! Clearly the chat mods never pay attention to this channel.
…After nearly 8 HOURS of waiting for a response, almost constantly having to ‘bump’ my question by replying to it, someone responded to my issue. And after a full on discussion with this helper.. Atherian’s attempts never had a chance to work. The issue, was the animations themselves. Not the fact they’re not working, it’s the very fear I had before
with uMotion being picky.
They told me, the only way to make this efficient/optimized is to completely
redo every. single. animation for this object. Since that is a big.. from me (and they don’t really blame me), I’ll need to do my original idea and make a bunch of clones of the object.. with a twist. I also have to do each. and every. single. on. and off. animation for every one of my idle poses. Fun times.
Then I had to make a new Int (though I repurposed the one that didn’t work in my
favor earlier), which ended up looking like this;
I’m done with this part. The rest is redoing the submenus to point to these states, and their values (so they don’t all just fire off at once).
I can’t wait to see the mega filesize when I’m done with.. oh wait, here it is.
504 THOUSAND Polys! ..WOW. Best not go to Friends+ worlds with a lot of people there.
But after all of that hell.. it works (sort of). Still a lot of bugs. However I’m going to try and not ask the VRChat Discord (unless it’s absolutely required to do so.. aka I’m out of ideas to fix it).
1. Disabling the pose isn’t actually making it disappear (it teleports back to me and gets locked in place with me).
2. Some of the poses aren’t firing, but most of them are (something I should be able to fix myself).
But it’s almost 5 in the morning. I’m going to bed.
Posted inComputing, Drama, Personal|Comments Off on JeroWorks 3.0 day 4: Another long day of waiting for a response
“Why do you call it ‘day 3’ if you’re just now starting? It should be ‘day 1′” you’re likely asking yourself. I see this as Day 3, since what happened with Jero (that sparked this product to be started ASAP).
So, the VRChat Discord (and Youtube videos) are the only help I have left to get this project going. At least, I hope. There’s a possibility these videos explaining how to build the framework for World Constraint might be outdated.
All day I’ve been ‘waiting “patiently”‘ for a response in the VRChat Discord. Fuck what a long time I had to wait for help. Then one time I decided to redo my question again.
And finally… FINALLY I had an answer to what’s causing the initial issue of the object spinning on an axis when I turn.
It was, a second anchor. This proves Atherian didn’t fully look at the project, and just wanted to get done (I don’t blame him), and gave me more ammo to try again. And so I
did, using the latest World Constraint system. It seems the World Constraint itself is
the anchor, which makes sense. Hell, this is literally how World Fixed IK and Final
IK worked in 2.0.
I looked up a video on how to set up the framework, and found this..
The video has been super helpful.. until it told me to make an Int instead of a Bool. But with how much of a n00b I am with 3.0, I thought “let’s do this!”. Finally, I was done and ready to upload.
The SDK however, had other ideas (which kept me from uploading)..
I had followed the directions to. the. letter, and the issue persisted. Double and triple checked all the windows and shit, everything looked correct. Yet: ‘”NO!!”, said the SDK.’
I asked the VRChat Discord again, getting super stressed for really no reason. One person asked for some files for me, which I sent. But for some reason what I sent him and what I had, seemed outdated nomatter how many times I tried sending. I converted the Int into
a Bool, because the guy said the video I followed is sadly outdated.
Thankfully to convert it was pretty easy. Just do what I was told before in the video, but make it a Bool instead of an Int. Yet that didn’t fix the problem.
And when I thought I had fixed the problem, more problems started appearing. I could no longer define the parameter. I had uploaded it assuming I had it, but the new animation was using my ‘Dragon Eyes’ toggle. Something was still wrong.
…Finally, I discovered the problem. It was right under my nose until I finally noticed it. There was nothing wrong with the toggles. What was wrong, was user error that I have to set the other versions of my avatar to the correct StateParamaters. ‘RL Sized’ was set to the wrong StateParameter, which fucked EVERYTHING up. Soon as I fixed that, everything’s golden.
..WOW. Basically I backed up my StateParameters file of the one Atherian messed with, a version that was a clean slate, and the one I’m currently working on. It was set wrong.
As for ingame testing…
It WORKS!! The World Constraint WORKS!! 🥳 And it’s even better than the way World Fixed IK and Final IK would do it (with the object ‘jumping around’ on its lock point).
So there’s nothing wrong with the World Constraint. Good to know! 👍 Just need to figure out how to do the poses now. JeroWorks 3.0 is now one step completed. 😀
…But for now, I want to relax after a long day stressing over how in the fuck Atherian added the animations to the avatar without needing an Animator Controller.
(He dragged the animation into the main avatar, that’s how he did it)
Posted inComputing, Drama, Personal|Comments Off on JeroWorks 3.0 day 3: trying this again
============================================================== JeroWorks 3.0 requires a ‘Unity God’
==============================================================Hey everyone. Before I start, I just got to say… you folks are awesome. I got so many emails expressing their support after what happened between myself and Jero.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. They really helped with my mood.
–
So let’s get started here. Instead of being all upset and stuff, I used it as a way to repurpose the idea of JeroWorks– to bring back the old Jero that believed me, and swore would never leave me. Yes I know this won’t actually bring back someone who clearly wasn’t thinking straight and acted upon impulse, but it’s the closest thing I’ll have.
However, knowing SDK 2.0 will cease to exist one day, I’m forced to use 3.0. I’m sure there’s a way to do it, but I’ll need a ‘Unity God’ to help figure it out for me.
Thankfully I know a guy (or rather a derg and someone who I was once in an open relationship with): AtherianTheDerg. I still remember a few years ago, watching him spawn in a sword and was able to grab it as if it was a prop in the world itself.
THIS, is what I need for the next iteration of the whole ‘avatar dances’ thing (now just idle poses).
However, I wanted more than just plopping a clone of Jero infront of me. I want to be able to pick the clone up and place it.. like on a bed or something and then have it re-lock to the world. This is something I have wanted for years, and I felt 3.0 could do my wishes.
But getting Atherian to work on it, wasn’t an easy feat. I almost had to fully expose the project to him at one time (more on this later). First, he explained the ‘basics’ of 3.0’s systems (ints/floats/bools), and then asked me if I was “confused of anything related to 3.0”. I said “I dunno, maybe it’ll come to me later”. The only thing I wanted him to do was teach me how to set up the foundations.
He said I’ll be working with two systems;
1. ‘World Constraints’ (to lock the object to the world and then re-lock it after placing).
2. VRChat’s ‘Contact Parent/Contact Receiver’ system (to grab the object once its
placed).
For testing purposes, he did a basic cube to serve as the base of an avatar-like object. There he instructed me how to set up the foundation.. which sadly I forgot most of, as I didn’t think of using OBS to record. Damnit. All I remember is it had to do with making animations, hitting record, clicking on things, and ‘click on Zero’. However I’m hoping it won’t be too difficult to find a tutorial on Youtube of how to use World
Constraints.
Once that was all done (it took several hours), Atherian shows my avatar’s State Parameters and said “I could make this better for you. Give you more space.” He asked if I had TeamViewer, which I do (but it was outdated at the time and I had to update it). He took control and did it for me, which I’m thankful for as I’m sure it was really starting to get frustrating of him telling me what to do, where to go, what to click on.
And with that done, he told me that I can add what I want as an Int and then set it to all the poses I want. I thanked him and he went to bed.
I should had tested it ingame after he left, but I felt pretty confident at the time. Plus I forgot to charge everything and really didn’t feel like getting on anyway, just to test. Besides, I assumed Atherian was going to help me with the rest the next day.
The next day came. He.. didn’t really want to help me. He forgot what I told him of how I did this in 2.0. And when I explained the steps, he said it’s “very inefficient”. And “you won’t need multiple clones of the same object. You can just have one, and have it do all the poses. It cuts down on the poly count.” This really interested me.
Then shockingly, he told me to “write down all the poses you want” and he’ll do them. Uhh. But that would be exposing my project to you. I was just hoping you’d teach me how to do it, not actually do it for me. ..Fuck! I didn’t know how to process this. If he truly saw the reason behind this insanity, he might just completely refuse to help me and I’d be screwed!
I tried to think.. hard of how he could do this without exposing myself. Was forced to start the project ‘early’ by getting the VictonRoy model going. I was hoping the base model alone would be good enough. Then he’s talking about animations, and I told him
about how I use uMotion. While I was scrambling to prep for this, Atherian was learning how to use uMotion. I went to my Secret Project and grabbed the animations
from Project ‘Emeriss’ in hopes they’d work. They did, so that was less work on his
part. I felt somewhat confident they would work (being from the same model), but the pickiness of uMotion is what made me not fully confident.
Finally I was done and ready, just needed to get OBS going. It took him 4 hours and 30 minutes to do (according to OBS). His original idea failed as the object kept floating up into outer space. It was not looking good for me. He was getting tired and fed up with this. I could hear it in his voice.
His 3rd (and last) attempt seemed promising (to him): having the poses on a radial puppet. He believed he had it all set up and ready to go, and I thanked him and apologized of all the things I asked of him. He seemed to not mind it.
I stopped the OBS recording. It took nearly a half an hour until it fully encoded and saved. Damn that was a lot of footage for my GPU.
Later, I tested it ingame (Desktop mode). And this is what I saw…
Failure.
First I’ll explain what worked;
-Spawning in/out the object and it locking where I place it.
That was sadly the only thing that did work. And for what didn’t work;
1. As you can see from the .gif, the locking works perfectly when I move forward and backward, and left/right. But when I turn.. the object spins around on a circular axis to the left of me. Turning left causes it to rotate counter-clockwise, and turning right causes it go go clockwise.
It’s like the anchor is being ‘moved’ somehow, based on the angle the player is facing. Or there’s a second anchor to the left of me that locks the rotation (that clearly wasn’t doing its job).
Also…
2. The poses aren’t working (at all) in the radial puppet.
3. I cannot grab the object with my left fist (found out later this only works in VR).
When I told Atherian my findings, his response was “…idk”. He was clearly done with my idea and wanted no part of it. My mind didn’t really want to accept that, but my common sense told me to let it go. It took awhile until my brain felt “ok, screw him. He isn’t going to help me anymore. I’ll have to find someone else.”
At that point I felt ‘fucked’, and still do as I type this. I didn’t know how to ask this in
the VRChat Discord, but I finally was able to explain it. One of the Unity Gods said to try the World Constraint system from this ‘VRLabs’, as this “shouldn’t happen”.
Curious if Atherian used the same thing (before I put in the effort), I asked him and.. yes. Yes he did use it. ..FUCK!! NOW WHAT?! How in the fuck am I going to get help
now?!
I’m still waiting for help in the VRChat Discord.. it’s all I got. I don’t have any other friends who are ‘Unity Gods’ I could use ask. I am screwed!! Once 2.0 dies, I AM SCREWED!! How am I screwed? World Fixed IK(has been Thanos snapped off the Internet. RIP) and Final IK(costs $90 on the Unity Asset Store) will likely not work
with 3.0, and they were the framework I needed to do this.
Later still, I finally got in VR, but I was only going to get on to see if the issues were still happening.. and they were, and it’s even worse.
Though the grab feature I wanted does work perfectly, I can’t figure out how to place it. It just teleports back to the default location, or to a different location.
But now it’s like, the system is so broken (I dunno how I broke it). Now when I do Open Hand, the object teleports to my hand. And I dunno where in the fuck the reset node is infront of me. It’s such a buggy mess. No wonder Atherian gave up on this. It would drive him insane.
In Unity, it’s so bizarre. What I see in VRChat, isn’t happening here. This should be working, but it’s not! UGH!! Fucking HATE these ‘works fine in Unity but not
in VRChat’ bugs!!
The only thing that keeps coming to mind (that keeps saying “I could be the solution to the problem if you use me as a new project”), is the fact VRLabs has a 1.2 version of World Constraints. I dunno what version Atherian used. It could’ve been 1.2? Maybe he didn’t look at something clearly. This is what keeps coming to mind. Or maybe it’s just me trying to ‘grasp at straws’ hoping it’s something really simple I could fix that would solve
all.
I just feel “I need to try again”. But I do not know how, when again I wasn’t recording when Atherian was setting up the framework. I can’t exactly find any video tutorials on the whole ‘Contact Parent/Receiver’ thing (that closely matches this, and would tell me what animations to make for it and how to set them up.. and also the 3.0 work).
My brain seems to refuse to learn how 3.0 works, over how complex it is. It isn’t as simple as an ‘on/off’.. you have to do a lot of ridiculous extra steps!
Which is why I feel for the whole posing thing, I should just go back to the basics and do the multiple clones thing, and then have a Bool for each one. …Yes it’s ‘inefficient’ by Atherian’s standards, but I believe it has a high chance of working. And that’s the only real thing I care about with this project: favorable results. Screw making things efficient, when you make them so complicated the end user doesn’t know how to operate what you set up!!
That’s the trouble with making things ‘efficient’.. it makes them unnecessarily
complicated.
I’ll go back to this project and try again, one day. Because I need to keep this blog post moving.
============================================================== Emotional support derg
==============================================================
It’s actually a good thing I came on. Malice was dealing with a very terrible thing. His father’s dog (Timber) had passed away in the morning. I gave him my condolences
in Discord, but I didn’t truly realize just how much this beloved pet meant to him until last night.
Earlier, I was still in “I have to find help from a Unity God for this buggy mess!!” mode. Remembering Baddee knows a lot about 3.0, I was hoping he knew about what I’m dealing with (and knew how to fix it). Went to him and asked. A friend of his overheard our conversation and asked me “I heard you’re looking for a Unity God?” I said “yes, yes I
am” and explained what I wanted to do as simple as I could think of. He thought about it and asked if I been to ‘SRS CAFE’. “No, I’ve never heard of that world” I said. And then he left to go to this world, and would invite Baddee and me there.
I looked at Baddee and said “I don’t know how a world is going to help me with this”. He said “likely he knows someone there that can help you”. I was thinking “YES!! Ohh god yes!”
Went to the world.. there was no Unity God. The only reason, was so Baddee’s friend can show me things you can do in Udon. I tried desperately not to be rude and just say “no offense but none of this is going to fix my issue”. It’s like the guy did not fully understand. But by the time I was about to show him exactly what I was talking about, his headset’s battery was about ready to die. *sighs* Damnit. I had to accept this.
So I showed Baddee instead the really buggy mess. He said he could try to look at
what Atherian did and see if he can’t fix the issue, and I thanked him. But today he went about face, having to be blunt with me feeling this “isn’t healthy for you to be so obsessed on wanting this done so badly”. Mmmm… I do not fucking CARE anymore what others think of me (when it comes to this project).
–
Going back to this post segment, Malice wanted invited and I let him in. This is when I was explaining how I did the project in the past. And then Legal wanted to join. I
told Malice and he got a bit frustrated, saying that Legal’s been trying to join him
for “20,000 times today”. Geezus. And I thought I was bad when it comes to being
lonely.
However this wasn’t the case when Legal showed up. Says he has a game controller that was malfunctioning and acting like “an auto-clicker”, and managed to fix it.
Malice was going through a lot, even having to deal with an oven fire that he was able to quickly deal with. And because of his adrenaline from that, he had another seizure. And then he starts talking about the dog being limp when he first saw it… oh god. That can mess up even the strongest of people.
The more he talked about it, he started to choke up. That’s when my “I have to be there for my friend!” instinct kicked in. I stopped thinking about the project and comforted Malice as close as I could, while he cried for 10 minutes.
I totally had the right words to say (not).. but finally they came to me. And that’s when I started thinking about how Jero reacted (again). I said to myself “if only you saw this, Jero. If only you were here right now, and could see he’s not a god damn
racist.”
Focusing back to Malice here, I told him that the beloved pet is in a better place. And I’m pretty sure the pet doesn’t want to see him be upset. That the pet wants him to be
strong.
At least this is what I wanted to say.. but I got my words mixed up by complete accident. Still through, he understood what I meant and stopped crying. The next thing I know, he fell asleep. I stayed there as long as I could, only thinking about him and feeling thankful I did come on when I did. Jelly though never showed up, but… mmm. I want to comment about it but I also know I’ll only be repeating myself. All I can say is the drama that Jelly does to Malice is similar of what Blender does to me– both of them having trouble with the whole ‘commitment’ aspect, forgetting important things like “I love you” and being there for us at our times of need.
That’s… really all I can (safely) say in order to show my respect to Malice, and to be
honest, what I said here is already too much. Malice can’t just let Jelly go, like I could
with Blender. It would literally kill him. He has no choice but to just give up.
Posted inComputing, Personal|Comments Off on JeroWorks 3.0 requires a ‘Unity God’ / Emotional support derg
That’s all I’m going to say here before I get started with this latest blog post.
============================================================== Hunkering down in the ‘crash free bunker’
==============================================================
Yet another public instance Jero was in yesterday. It was in the house boat world. Really hesitated if I should join knowing how small the world is.. with 16 people there. But I joined anyway. Saw Jero chilling with some randoms (and so many others around him). I kept my distance for the longest time, and it’s a good thing I did when I saw nearly everyone leave the instance. I waited for Jero to come back and he did, again in full body.
I jokenly asked him “did I just survive a crasher??” He says “I didn’t” and he didn’t give his usual chuckle. Hmm. Too far?
I wanted to say it as a warning to get out of public instances, especially when the instance started filling up with more people. He said “the crasher is gone. I believe”. I said “I just want to be ready for anything.”
–
I discover a ‘secret’ area tucked away on the other side of the wheel, that leads to a lower level with a bed and a low ceiling. There was someone here but they were AFK at the time. And when they came back, they left the room. I stayed down here for the longest
time, feeling this was a ‘crash free bunker’ (as not many came down here).
Malice then surprisingly joins me. Left the safety of the bunker to go bring him over. Jero’s here and he’s saying hi to Malice. Finally I get Malice to follow me, and kind of expect Jero to also do so. But I don’t think he saw me.
I tell Malice “yes, this a public instance. Not my choice”. He says “Yeah I know, a black man is here.. no I’m kidding”. I knew he was referencing Jero, and I know Malice to not be a racist person. He only jokes around, as he’s into dark humor. But he’s never serious about what he says.
Then his friends started joining. I managed to get them into the bunker as well. And we chilled while Malice was watching racist Family Guy episodes (which is almost every episode).
—
After another crash up top, I messaged Jero asking him if he wants to go to a non public instance. Half an hour later, he joins. Finally I managed to get him in the bunker. So now everyone’s here, crash free. Noticed Jero didn’t want to go over to me. Found that very odd.
A friend of mine who was next to me, said he was going to go to another world. It was joinable, and I asked the others “you guys wanna go there?” Malice eventually said
yeah “but it’s up to everyone else”. All of us wanted to go there.. except Jero. And when I asked him if he wanted to go with us, he said “I might” …what’s going on with you, Jero? You’re acting very strange.
..I would soon get my answer.
============================================================== My ‘racist’ friends
==============================================================
“This is wherrrrrrre our friendship ends. I just sit here wondering how youuuuuuu, stand by your racist friends.” -Likely Jero
—
In the new world, I needed to go use the bathroom IRL. When I came back, everything seemed alright. Then a few minutes later, I start getting messages from Jero, talking
about not liking someone as much as I don’t really like Mibit. And “I hate him”.
Waaa–? This is very unlike Jero to ever use the word ‘hate’ on someone.
Asked him “do you hate Mibit?”, as I was so confused what the hell was going on with him. “No, Malice” he answers, calling him and Jelly a racist. I.. couldn’t believe Jero was acting like this. And I tried to defend their actions, saying they’re not actually racist, they’re just joking around. And he says “ok benie lllllloolllll”
WTF?! That’s the only thought that came to me. Why won’t you believe me?! I wanted to get both him and Malice together, and solve this like adults. But I knew Jero wasn’t willing to do so. So I motioned Malice to follow me, feeling very upset and not able to think straight over the whole ordeal. I told him what Jero told me, and was hoping he would bring Jero over to talk to him.. and make him realize they’re not racists. I felt Jero was being really ridiculous at the time.
Then I happen to look over and… saw him looking at us for a split second. What. the. fuck, Jero?! This is unlike you!! But before I could go over to him to figure out why in the fuck he would stoop this low to spy on our conversation, he leaves. I– WHAT?! This is the same guy who told me he isn’t bothered anymore by this kind of talk!! What the hell made him snap?!
I begin to suddenly feel “…oh no. This is my fault!! Why did I do this?! I should had not told Malice! …FUCK!! Why didn’t I listen before, when he said ‘I don’t mind you being friends with Kandy’.. WHY DIDN’T IT COME TO MIND FOR THIS?!”
Malice tried to calm me down, trying to shift the blame back on Jero. …But all I could
feel, was my heart breaking in half, knowing I had just possibly lost my best friend. Malice kept trying to calm me down, and finally I relaxed enough to think. Not to mention Jero was messaging me on Discord. But I didn’t want to see the messages…, fearing
them.
Malice tried to invite Jero back in, but feeling he won’t accept it. The situation was escalating when I saw in VRCX, he went back to Ask Me.
I tried so hard to keep myself together. Then suddenly it was like a ‘friend
explosion’ happened with four of my friends showing up randomly. This.. did help me a bit. Especially when TJ was also here. Helped me to think about something else.
Then, Jero came back. But he didn’t join off of me. Frost was here. And, he ignored me while I was trying to focus my attention on TJ (to not think about him).
I’m with TJ with Malice next to me, trying my hardest not to think about Jero.
============================================================== Kovo going too far?
==============================================================
I then was reminded (in my head) about what Kovo randomly told me a few days ago
in Telegram. Pulled TJ aside as I didn’t want to fully mention everything he said about the situation (to the others). With us in a more secluded area, I told her when both her and her BF were in the call, and how he learned something about the BF, that he’s “been dating for three years”. It seemed he did the math and discovered.. TJ was a minor by the time they started dating.
TJ defended herself, saying that’s not true. Though, she was a minor at the time, they weren’t dating until much later after she turned 18. And about the whole thing
where Kovo claims TJ tried to ERP with him when she was 17, she never actually did it at that age. She also doesn’t really remember (sadly Kovo does).
She wants Kovo to relax about the whole thing, and she “doesn’t know what else to tell him”.
Then I.. kind of told her about the whole Jero situation (without revealing names). She hugged me in the only way one can in Desktop mode, and hopes everything will be better.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Going back to the ‘My ‘Racist’ Friends’ segment…
Back with the others, I saw Jero and everyone near Malice and Jelly. Was thinking
maybe Jero blocked them and moved on with his life… which shockingly didn’t happen. Malice and Jelly started joking around with their racist talk when I was there, then I
saw Jero and the others leave us.
I have.. SO many questions.
1. Why didn’t you block them if they’re so ‘racist’?!
2. Why did you go over to them, if you know they’re ‘racist’?!
I believe I have the answer for the second one: me. He left, when he saw ME with them. What fucking kind of a point are you trying to MAKE, Jero?! The classic “either them or me. Make a choice”?? Do you realize how fucking childish that is, if that’s true?!
….What the hell happened to you, man?! This is not the Jero I remember!! I started messaging him in Telegram, begging to know what the hell made him snap when he said before.. he’s not bothered by that kind of talk. But also telling him that I’m sorry for not listening to you before. I was stuck in a deep depression, wanting to tell Malice. Wanting the old Jero to come back to me, before all this mess happened.
Much later, when I come back from using the bathroom (again), Malice leaves with a friend. So, I go to the LS Media world.. alone. They added Beastars as English Dubbed as I asked for it, and Jero (before) was really excited. I thought we were going to watch it together… 😢
Now they had The Bad Guys there, and I watched it.. alone.
============================================================== “Wow your really selfish”
==============================================================
1/4 into the movie, I started getting a bunch of messages. I knew it was from Jero but I didn’t want to read them. Then 15 minutes later, he comes on. I’m thinking he’s going to join me, and we’re going to talk about this. ..I begged him to join me, praying there’s still some of that ‘old Jero’ left in him.
Instead…
‘jeromeah is no longer your friend’ comes up on VRCX.
My heart, sunk. I…I just lost my best friend on this planet. The only reason I even
play VRChat anymore. But I kept myself from falling apart until the movie ended. Started pacing around the world, not knowing what to do.. what to think. I got a knot in my stomach from how sick I felt. And.. I just wanted to lay down and DIE. I didn’t wanna live anymore!! ..Not without Jero in my life! But, he’s not the same Jero who I knew just a day ago.
Somehow I thought of wanting to see Malice, but he didn’t respond to me. I
tried Baddee, but he too didn’t respond. Then I tried Jelly, who did. I mainly asked him when I sent my message: “is Malice with you?” And clearly he wasn’t. We both assumed he was asleep… and then I just.. fell apart infront of him. I couldn’t keep my emotions in any longer! They hurt so much! Explained what I could to Jelly, then Baddee and Malice both wanted to join. But I couldn’t accept their request. Jelly claimed the instance
was Invite+, but I would had been able to accept their invites if that’s true.
Malice sent another invite and I told Jelly. He’s all “fuck it, I’ll make another instance. I don’t care what world it is”.
We went to the same world. Now I can accept their invites. Baddee first joined, and I told him “I’ll explain the entire thing when Malice gets here”. Malice did, and the only
thing Jelly was upset with Jero about, is how he was listening into the conversation with me and Malice. I did agree, but I was also trying to not fall apart again (and just listen).
Eventually I was able to speak, and finally saw the messages Jero sent me in Telegram. And from what I saw… wow, has he changed. The Jero I once knew, is gone.
The first thing.. he said, was “wow your really selfish”…. and I broke down TENFOLD after reading that!!
To call.. me, selfish.. someone who wanted to be there for me. Someone who told me that it’s OK to use him as an emotional punching bag. Someone who SWORE they’ll always be there for me. ..Calls me selfish, because I DIDN’T WANT TO LOSE HIM AS A FRIEND!! And I couldn’t stop crying… I’m sorry. It.. took me so long to put all of this pain, into words. ..To know, I’ve lost him. It hurts so much.
Malice and Baddee both tried to calm me down, saying I’m not selfish. After awhile I stopped crying, keeping my eyes closed. “You.. you guys, don’t know me that well. I may be nice and try to help my friends, but outside… my loneliness and depression, causes desperation to do things I know are wrong, and would end up hurting people. I don’t mean to hurt anyone!”
I then went over the other hurtful things Jero said, such as calling Malice and Jelly “racist extremists”. Both Malice and Jelly felt neutral to it, knowing they heard worse. Yet what just didn’t make sense is WHY Jero didn’t block the two and move on?!?!
Baddee gives his suggestion: he would see me talking to air. But honestly, that shouldn’t mean anything if it was truly hurting him THAT MUCH!! ..WHY was he bothered by it?! WHY didn’t he want to believe me.. his.. now once best friend?!
“Past trauma,” Baddee believes. Trauma Jero never told me, or maybe he did and I completely forgotten. Yet he never gave any hints to this trauma in his messages
anyway, only saying Malice and Jelly are “constant racists” and he doesn’t believe they’re joking around. ..That means he doesn’t believe me– the definition of ‘trust issues’. He let his emotions, control him. Something he usually keeps in control, he couldn’t this
time.
That’s why I pray, that in a few weeks/months/..years from now.. maybe he’ll come back. But I don’t think he’ll ever be the same Jero I remember. That Jero, died yesterday when he stopped believing me.
He should’ve handled the situation a lot differently. He could’ve left, and said in Telegram or Discord that he couldn’t stand the racist remarks. Then I would had joined him and we would had discussed it. ..But I doubt the outcome would’ve been any different. He wouldn’t believe me. Likely thinks I’m racist for hanging with them.
Could I had handled the situation better? I dunno. The fact he didn’t believe one word I said about them, I just dunno. I think that’s why both Baddee and Malice feel that Jero’s at fault for this one (for how he handled it), and not me.
Looking back at this, I have to agree with them. Jero used very improper judgement here. If only he’d listen to Malice, that they are not racists. They only JOKE.. around. It’s not something Malice can really help with. He told me that regular humor just doesn’t interest him as much as dark humor does.
Baddee believes them. Guess Jero’s not into dark humor. Neither am I, but it doesn’t bug me that they’re into it. Problem is, Jero doesn’t know them as well as I do. And I wish he saw that. I wish, he trusted me.
Then again, he should’ve blocked Jelly and Malice. Block the source of the trouble. Instead he exposes himself even more to it, and then tries to make me feel bad by saying I’m selfish. ..For WHAT, exactly?! Not seeing this your way?! Not wanting to lose you as a best friend?! I’m not being selfish.. YOU’RE being a bad friend, Jero!! ..You hurt me!
…His mindset wasn’t his own. And I bet he told Frost just how ‘racist’ they are.
.
Am I mad at Jero? No.
Disappointed for how he handled this. He could’ve joined me, in LS Media. But I believe he assumed I was still with ‘my racist friends’. I’m also a bit disappointed in myself. I could’ve told him “please join this world. They aren’t here.”
…Yet what good would that do, when he doesn’t believe me?
*sighs*
Looking back at JeroWorks 3.0, On one hand I’m glad I did nothing. But on the other, I feel I could use it in order to “undo what has happened”.
I would be “bringing Jero back before this whole mess. The Jero that was a great friend to me.” ..If only I knew how to do it in 3.0.
…I wonder if I start asking some friends. Could this be done? Fuck I hope so. I need this.
Posted inDrama, Love Drama, Personal, Politics|Comments Off on Hunkering down in the ‘crash free bunker’ / My ‘racist’ friends / Kovo going too far? / “Wow your really selfish”
============================================================== JeroWorks 3.0 ‘progress’
==============================================================
Before I start, I can’t believe it’s been a year since Wufy helped me with the secret project. But when looking in my old DMs to him in hopes to find the link for the VictonRoy
model he sent me (did find it by the way), I noticed the dates and.. wow. April 26th, 2021.
That’s nuts.
–
And as for progress for JeroWorks 3.0… I haven’t even started yet. I just don’t feel confident it’s ‘going to work’ (to help me). It just feels stupid, and pointless. I’m going to have a joy for a few days, but then remember a certain phrase I made of “not wanting to love a doll” and “wanting the real you”. Plus having to keep it a secret.. can’t spawn it in a friends+ instance.
I just feel everyone’s going to be looking at me funny. I know I shouldn’t give a fuck what others think of me, but isn’t there some sort of gray area where it becomes a bit shameful?
The other reason it stopped in its tracks is remembering I have to get BTD 3.5 to be what I used for the doll’s poses, as I don’t know a way to make this work in 3.0 with
my BTDrexouium. I’m sure there’s a way with Bools, but I dunno if World Fixed IK and FinalIK would be compatible with 3.0 (or if there’s a variant I could use that’s even better). Ren doesn’t know, and I tried asking the VRChat Discord in the past and got nothing.
—
…But after more recent events, I almost feel ‘glad’ I didn’t do it.
============================================================== Jero’s awtter friends
==============================================================
It was a Saturday night, but after what happened the night before I really debated if it was worth getting on. Decided to come on VRCX to see who’s on, and as much to my surprise I saw Jero on. Quickly strapped on my full body, feeling “the one day I decide to take time off of VRChat, you show up”.
And also saying to myself “watch by the time I get on, he would be offline”. And like clockwork, the second I got on.. he was offline. Wow. But I felt he crashed, and waited to see what his next move would be. He came back on and I continued to wait, then got distracted from watching Youtube videos. Checked VRCX’s wrist feed and saw he was in
a public instance. Joined it. It was a large mostly empty room. Noone here.
Huh. Where could everyone be? Found a thin but large button on the wall. Thinking that’s where everyone was, I clicked it.
The moment I did, I started lagging. Ohh yeah.. this is where everyone is.
–
Finally went into the new area. Lots, and lots of people infront of the mirror here. Music playing from people’s mics. Lots of awtters too. Stepped back from the crowd, and saw Jero dancing.. in full body. Wow. Also my friend who’s a Hoosier is also here. But with all the people around, I didn’t know if I should say “hi” or just go somewhere else. Instead I stood there looking at the awtters.
One of them randomly comes up to me and says hi. I nervously say hi back, and he welcomes me “to the madness”. I chuckled a bit, then said a few of my friends who
are awtters are over there, but I don’t want to disturb their fun. He asked me their names and I gave them.
He went to go grab Tempest first, as Jero was busy. Tempest brought a few other awtter friends over to me, and they’re loving my avatar. One said “you should join
our Discord server!” Then asks Tempest why hasn’t he sent me an invite to it. Tempest says “I don’t have him on Discord” and thankfully that ended the conversation about that.
Then he went to go get Jero. Finally he came over, but Jero wasn’t in his usual avatar. He said it’s a Quest avatar, because Tempest is a Quest user. Oshi– I didn’t know. Switched to one of the public Quest avatars I have: a literal ball of fluff that can become any animal or object, that rolls around in order to ‘walk’.
It can also be squished, which Jero was enjoying a bit too much. Heh.
—
Much later, I discovered one of the awtters was celebrating their birthday (which is why there was a party going on). And also (according to Jero), these awtters were the same ones he met IRL when he went to Philadelphia.
“I hope to one day visit them again” he told me, also wanting to see me IRL. I said to
him “who knows”. Then he asked if I wanted to go to another world. Asked him “don’t you want to be with your awtter friends a bit more?” I can’t fully remember what he said, but all I really heard was “I doubt they’ll look for me” or something like that.
So I went to my homeworld. It took him awhile until he finally joins.
That’s when I told him what happened yesterday. He said about having ‘similar’ moments like that, that it’s OK. I then told him about JeroWorks and how I found out Kat sent
me (by what I assume a complete accident) Jero’s VictonRoy texture sheet, and how “even though I finally have what I wanted, I still don’t feel truly happy”.
I don’t think he really heard me, as he had fell asleep. Nor did I bring it up again.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- “Is something going on, Jero…?”
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
After that, Malice wanted to join me. “Well this is a surprise” I said to Jero. I thought Malice was too happy to ever see me again.
Mmmmm… honestly though, I wish him (and his friends) didn’t join. Because Jero didn’t like what they were talking about. I wasn’t even aware at the time Jero had an issue with the dark humor/racism. He was chuckling, acting like his normal self. But deep down he was being hurt by their words. And if I had known this, I would had told Malice to tune it down and… likely the next day’s events wouldn’t had happened.
For something terrible would happen, that would cost me my best friend… 😥😭
Posted inComputing, Drama, Personal|Comments Off on JeroWorks 3.0 ‘progress’ / Jero’s awtter friends
============================================================== Thank you, Kat 🥳
==============================================================
I don’t know how to start this as I’m too full of absolute insane excitement over what I’ve discovered. But I guess I’ll start off as such.
Managed to get JeroWorks 2.0 into Unity 2019 without any issues. Thought I would be forced to update the SDK as well but thankfully it survived.. as I forgot how I fixed it before after I did update it when it was still in Unity 2017).
So there he is. I got plans to remove the little me for the mannequin version. I pulled up the .rar file Kat sent me that contained all the versions of the original skin she did (at least I assumed they were). Grabbed the blue variant and its emission, and then tried to apply the texture.
And this is what I saw.
What the HELL?! Uhhh.. what happened?! This is the same texture sheet! Played around with XSToon’s settings and I just couldn’t get it to fit right. Didn’t understand why. Studied what was going on carefully.. suddenly a thought came to me when I was looking at the feet and the snout. Could.. Kat had accidentally sent me the wrong texture files, and I ended up getting the ones… for the VictonRoy model?! OHH FUCK!!
I absolutely had to find out if my assumption was correct: load the secret project as it has the VictonRoy model and see if it matches.
With it loaded..
I moved the texture over to the secret project, and applied the texture… nearly had a stroke from my initial reaction.
My face when I saw this..
HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK!! THIS IS IT!!.. Uhh.. thanks, Kat! 😄 You mistakenly sent
me, JUST what I wanted to further fuel my unhealthy loneliness! 🤜 Ohhh man. This is the next best thing to the Awtter.
NOW I don’t have to wait for Jero to see if he has it! I HAVE IT!!
—
Just need to figure out where I have the model. And then.. JeroWorks 3.0, anyone? 😉
============================================================== Cuddle buddies? More like ‘worthless to me’
==============================================================I dunno what I did or what I caused, but it’s like… I’ve lost most of my friends. So much that all I can say is “JeroWorks 3.0 HAS to work. There is no ‘hope it will’. IT HAS TO!! Or I am done with VRChat for awhile.”
Certain friends always gave me a reason to keep playing. But now most of them are so busy doing their own stuff, or talking about how perfect their life is to me. But I know what the real issue is, and it upsets me.
Allow me to explain what happened today…
–
I saw Malice online. According to VRCX, there were only two people on (with one being a friend). So it’s to be assumed that Malice is with a friend of theirs. Yet when I joined.. Jelly was with him. What the HELL. VRCX showed Jelly was offline! How in the fuck could this not know he actually was on?! Later, I discovered one reason: Jelly’s in Ask Me. Ergo why it didn’t show him in the world list (as it assumed he was in a private world).
Upon realizing this, I quickly darted around the corner where they couldn’t see me. And it worked quite well. Jelly kept running around but he never saw me. Something tells me he wasn’t actively looking for me. Likely didn’t even know I was in the world of how fast I was able to make myself not seen.
I wanted to talk to Malice in private, and be happy he had such a good day before. But I can’t do that with Jelly there. Didn’t even want to say hi to them, because at this point I see them as ‘better than me’. I don’t want to hear how.. successful everything in their lives
are. Bugs the fuck out of me (like what happened yesterday, and I still haven’t fully recovered from it).
–
Saw a surprise Kovo on. Went to go visit him. Got quite crowded in his world. No Nova this time, because her headset died on her. Kat was there, but very high. I tried to tell her that I “got the wrong texture files”. I just feel a bit bad knowing I have Jero’s VictonRoy texture, and… I just feel better if she knew, and if I have permission to do this (even though it’ll only be for ‘personal use’). But with how high she was, she doesn’t really understand what she’s told and said to tell her “when I’m sober”.
I then tried to join off of Queenie. ..And this was the straw that broke the dragon’s back.
—
How should I explain my behavior in one word? Shameful? Inconsiderate? Inpatient? Toxic? ..Maybe all the above? Well, I will never do that again since I clearly don’t know how to stop trying to control my friends to do what I want (because I’m bored and think they’re there for my entertainment). ..Why in the fuck am I so fucking TOXIC?!
When in the world, I put my feet up in hopes.. to ‘bait’ Queenie into licking my paws so he’ll get horny enough to want to ERP with me. Even though I might as well deliberately shove my paws in his face, I didn’t actually do that. But I kept saying in my head “take the bait, Queenie! Lick them!!”
Finally, he asked me if I wanted to go to another world. I tried to say “sure”.. but I also felt quite shameful of myself. Again my emotions were fighting of what is ‘right’, and my common sense was really letting me have it. Others joined the world, including BADDECODE. Since he joined, Queenie’s like to him “I dunno if I want to do this. I’m having mixed feelings”.
I put my feet down and didn’t say a word to Queenie (or anyone) for the remainder of while I was there. Later, everyone but us three left the world. I saw Queenie with BADDEE and that’s when I went back to Malice, praying Jelly left or something. Too much shame to be in that world for my mind to handle.
—
Jelly was there (still), but again he didn’t see me. I did see Malice. He was asleep. And right there is when I debated if it was even worth staying on.. the answer was “no” when I tried to join Stray and VRChat crashed. Not even the game itself thinks I should be
on.
My mind goes from “I’m bored please entertain me” to “..I can’t do this to you” so fucking
fast, but it’s only when my attempts have failed. It’s just the way Queenie asked me, I really felt he wasn’t really in the mood.. that he was only going to do it for me. And NO. I don’t want that either! I don’t want anyone to feel they’re forced!
I don’t want to live with the guilt. …Yet my mind is going to want me to do it again when I get this depressed, bored (and desperate) enough.
My mind doesn’t see friendship like you’re supposed to see it (especially in this game). It doesn’t care for the whole “I get to talk to people all over the world” aspect. As I said I’m not a social person. ..I’m scared to think what I truly might be. Yet at the same time I can’t be one of.. them. They have no shame, no remorse over what they do.
I have to stop doing this to my friends!! I’m going to end up losing ALL of them if I keep this up!
And this is why I feel ‘this has to work’ (of the project) to ‘un-bore me enough’ that I’ll actually see friendship without needing anything from them. Because if it doesn’t, I’m going to give myself a time out until I get this thing of ‘deserving attention’ out of my system… even if it’s forever.
Fucking hate my child brain right now. Yet.. why is this happening? And for it to happen multiple days. What’s going on? It’s like most of my friends are on vacation (or attending the latest Furcon). Or, this is starting to truly show just how dead VRChat is becoming.
Jero not on, usually isn’t really that big of a deal. I have others. ..This time, I don’t.
This is why the success of JeroWorks 3.0 has to happen, for my own sanity.
Of all the times I wish Jero would see how lonely I really get without him being on, maybe he would had actually given me that model and his texture.. this was one of those times. But he just doesn’t fully understand and I dunno how to go about making him do so. At least say “I’m sorry but I can’t do it” instead of “I’ll ‘always’ be around”.
*sees everyone watching me”.. Oh shi–! Hey everyone! Heh.. mm. Sorry, about that drama burst there. It was one of ‘those days’ where none of my trusted friends were around, and I kept debating if it was ‘worth getting off early’.
Ohh yeah, one more thing. They still don’t have 2022’s The Bad Guys added to LS Media. Guess I have to wait for another world update notification.
Anyway, on with the blog post.
============================================================== Stuck with the same homeworld
==============================================================
Even though it was 9pm and everything was charged and ready to go, I didn’t get on until much later. I’ve been watching Youtubers play The Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe for the first time and hearing their reactions. Honestly I didn’t really feel like getting on at
all, but did anyway when I remembered the apartment themed worlds I selected as potential homeworlds.
Out of the list, only one of them I actually liked. Except, not enough to make it my homeworld over one thing: no way to turn off colliders. Outside of that, the world is pretty big for an apartment. Two bedrooms and one bath. Kitchen/Dining, laundry room. It’s a pretty nice world. It’s what all the other worlds lacked (and more) to look like a proper apartment.
The others, either they’re too big in file size to be used as a homeworld (a few going
like 200-400MB). Like, who the fuck is going to want to download all of that just to join me?! Not many. Some of them were just.. one room and that’s it (looking nothing like an apartment but more like a cheap hotel room). There was even one that looked like something I made (if I used Blender to build SDK 2.0 worlds). It was sad, and the world was so big too.
The very last one I tried.. turned out to be Novice’s homeworld. I just felt ‘done’ after that moment.
============================================================== Jelly and Malice ‘level up’ / What to do…
==============================================================
Back in my homeworld, this is when I started watching those Youtube videos ingame. I noticed Malice was on but left. A bit later Jelly sends me an invite. I’m thinking “he likely has a message from Malice” and let him in. He came in and then said “oh, you’re the only one in here”. I said “yeah”.
He asked if Malice was here, and I said no (and that he left before). But Jelly says “no he hasn’t left. He’s online in a private world and I wanted to see him”. I was confused
as both VRCX (from the wrist feed) and VRChat both show he’s not on. Jelly gets really confused, then says “I don’t care, VRChat’s broken”.
I assumed he was going to leave shortly after. But then he talked about that Malice is having “a really good day today” and that he didn’t care to join him, that all he cares about is the fact he’s happy.
Then he talks about himself, how he’s able to have a full conversation of Spanish for a minute, how others feel it’s such a great accomplishment for him. All I could say
was “I’m happy for you dude” while trying to hide my true feelings of “what the fuck do you want me to do? Kiss the ground you walk on?! Is that it??”
After he left, depression smacked me hard in the head. So I guess I was finally right that it’s a good idea not to talk to you two as much, and put you two on ‘Epislon’ level.
My mood went everywhere, feeling Malice “didn’t ‘need’ me anymore” since he’s in such a good mood, and I don’t want to kill it with my depression. ..I dunno where I was going with this. I didn’t even feel watching anything anymore, or even if I should be
on.
And this is why I usually don’t post at times, when it’s too depressing and I really don’t want to talk about it.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- What to do…
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
But I tried to power through it, and go see other friends. Hoping. ..Praying, something will happen in my favor. Joined Stray who was in one of the worlds he made. It was a ‘Driving Simulator’; a car model, with a panorama screen infront of it with videos of some person driving IRL in large cities. It was him and a few other people in the front seats. I sat in the back seat. It was entertaining for awhile then started to get boring (especially how the video would just suddenly ‘warp’ to another location). But I stayed as I didn’t want to leave just like that. At least not now. Kept hoping something interesting would happen.
But as time went on, it really didn’t.
Eventually I did leave, and went to see Lostwolf (thinking Queenie would be there). He wasn’t.
In the world I found a working 8-Ball (one that predicts your future) and went far away from everyone else in order to think. And all I could think of was again how selfish I am of wanting Jero to send me that model and his awtter texture. I literally began to use the 8-ball.. hoping it would tell me something in my favor. I don’t really consider what I was doing was ‘going insane’ from depression, as eventually I got fed up with the 8-ball for giving me BS random answers.
I requested an invite to join Queenie, then of Scooby (as I felt ‘checking up on him’ would be a good idea). A lot of time had passed. JoinNotifier then starts going off with people leaving left and right. Lostwolf likely dropped a portal. Ran back over and I see him waving at me, then he runs back and into the portal. Interesting world on the other side of it.
Two things happened as I waited for something to happen. Dutch joined me, and Scooby accepted my invite request. Shit. I didn’t expect Scooby to actually accept and/or Dutch to join me suddenly. I had to think fast, and sadly I had to say goodbye to one and hello to the other. So I said goodbye to Dutch. Hopefully I made the right choice.
============================================================== RIP player made ranks
==============================================================
And to tell you the truth, it was more like a ‘hit and miss’. Scooby seemed he moved on from what happened to him, focused with working on his avatar. He also told me how busy he’s been with work, doing ‘double overtime’ and possibly getting a raise with how hard he’s been working. “That’s nice, man”, is all I could say.
The only thing that didn’t make him too ‘level up’, is him suddenly asking me “what are your hours?” I’m thinking ‘uhh.. w..w..work.. hours?’, but no: how long I’ve been
playing VRChat. Ok, sure. I don’t mind giving that out. He wanted to know how long it took until I became a Veteran user. I said “well I became Veteran the moment the Trust and Safety system was launched”, and he couldn’t believe it.
It was bugging him so much. And I said “dude, why are you letting this bug you? It’s just a title.” He said “I know, I know. But, it just would be nice to have you know? Something that I know I achieved, that I put the work into.” Aye. That’s understandable.
I told him how I have VRCX and can check if someone has these ranks. Explained what it was and he asked “can you see if I’m a Veteran?” I said “sure” and checked, and it showed he’s Trusted.
Then I decide to check mine.. and I’m also Trusted. Uhh.. McFuckin’Scuse me?! I was
a Legend!! What happened to my rank?! I then remembered the spam from the day before of VRCX saying ‘<player> has ranked from Veteran User > Trusted User’ on my wrist
feed every time someone did anything, and wondered if the two were connected
somehow.
Sure enough, there was a connection (according to something Scooby found but never shared the link with me). But I found something about it through VRCX’s GitHub Page. This also had a picture with Tupper’s statement.
The ‘Legend’ and ‘Veteran’ ranks were never really to be used, likely for good reasons: due to jealousy among people. Honestly, why not just remove the trust system entirely, but keep the security features? What they have now is pointless (IMO). It was never worth adding. I’m not going to look at a New User any different than a Trusted one. It all has to do with the person themself.
I’m sure statements like this were brought to Tupper after him posting this, and he likely ignored them. And I’m sure even as I type this, it’s still being discussed in their discord server.
–
With that out of the way, Scooby later tells me that he’s going to join someone. Something about a ‘cub’. I was somewhat confused, thinking it was a sex thing. It wasn’t. It’s a diaperfur thing. A large majority of myself was trying not to use the word “freak” anywhere in my response. I don’t even know why that word came to mind, when I told him before it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. ..Okay, going to be blunt: it’s weird. But there are fetishes out there that are even more… ‘wtf, humanity. This is why aliens don’t visit us. They’re too busy calling us FREAKS!!’ out there.
Just.. why diapers?! *sighs* Whatever. I shouldn’t criticize when my fetish is wanting to be snuggled. We’re all into weird shit, but that’s what makes us human. It’s OK to be
weird, you know?! We’re expressing ourselves! Plus being a diaperfur isn’t hurting
anyone (outside for our eyes having to stare at a grown furry wearing a toddler’s diaper).
============================================================== “Maybe another time”
==============================================================
Being on my own again, I once again asked Queenie if I may join him. And this time he accepted. Joined him in Prison Escape. I didn’t really feel like playing it. I had, other plans if you couldn’t tell by the title (but without saying anything). But I just couldn’t really get Queenie to respond to it.. until I heard him saying to someone else about beans.
A lightbulb popped up over my head and I laid back on my bed to show my feet. Thought I had something when he almost immediately responded to them, but he still wouldn’t really.. you know, want to go to another world.
Eventually I did ‘play’ the game (more like the game threw me into it), but thought “ehh. It’s whatever” and tried to enjoy myself. And as usual I suck as both a prisoner and a guard. I’m just too nice for this game (and my aiming is shit when I’m forced to defend myself).
Don’t particularly like the change they made when you’re the last prisoner, how they auto-force you to become wanted. But I can see why it was needed. Not really for people like myself who don’t like having to kill other people, but for ones that camp as a prisoner just to extend the game and of ruin it for ones who just want to play.
–
It’s almost 4:30am. I’m a guard and so is Queenie. He stops me and said “I would’ve brought you to another world a long time ago if I wasn’t so tired.” and “Maybe another time”. I completely understood (forcing myself to be considerate towards him). After the round, he again tells me as he’s preparing to head to bed. Again I told him I
understood, that it’s OK. I did hear you the first time Queenie. Not sure why you told me again. Maybe he really wanted to and was upset for me? I doubt that. It just didn’t feel like that to me. It more felt like a reminder.
Ehh, it is whatever. I gave him a hug anyway and wished him a good night. Stayed on a bit longer (three more rounds) until I got sniped by a prisoner that I assumed was a guard. And I couldn’t aim for shit. That was enough for me. Backed out of the room and logged out without anyone seeing me.
.
As for Jero, I remember him saying “you still have my Dutch Angel”. I could very easily apply the blue texture sheet to the old model, for him to look more like
the VictonRoy version Kat made him (just without the eyebrows). There was one time I actually asked if he had the texture (as I have the model thanks to Wufy), and he freaked out. He does, but he doesn’t know which drive it’s in. It might’ve been one of the drives that was destroyed in the fire of his apartment, but he believes it’s safe ‘somewhere’.
If it’s somewhere in his apartment and he’s in his parent’s house, of course that’s
a ‘problem’ for me. But I don’t expect him to travel up to his apartment just to get the
skin. That is beyond being inconsiderate for wanting this.
–
No. I refuse to bug him ever again over this. I just need to get JeroWorks to Unity 2019 first (to (hopefully as I’ve never did this with a 2.0 avatar) fix bugs caused by the PhysBones update). I doubt it’ll let me apply PhysBones because it’s not a 3.0 avatar.
Posted inComputing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal|Comments Off on Stuck with the same homeworld / Jelly and Malice ‘level up’ / RIP player made ranks / “Maybe another time”
============================================================== May the day be with you / Jero’s controller surgery
==============================================================
Kind of a boring day. Had another talk with my mother (she started said
conversation) about how I wanted to move to that apartment, and also how I really wasn’t thinking straight.
I also watched a few Twitch streamers due to it being May 4th.. the whole ‘May the
4th (force) be with you’ Star Wars trope. This isn’t usually something I do, but
one Twitch streamer is slowly starting to make me warm up to them: this guy. His voice matches his cute otter avatar so well. Followed him on Twitter as well.
Met him through another famous Twitch streamer, that a few friends of mine who are part of Kovo’s server are infamous for of making chat say one letter.. “A”.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Later that day, Jero gave me an update that he started working on the operation to replace the faulty left thumb stick with the one from his old controller. And that night, the surgery was a success! His freezing in place issues are gone! WOOT!!
============================================================== New movies in movie world + Unexpected VRChat update = Headaches
==============================================================
While Jero was fixing his controller, I got a message in Discord from the LS Media Discord server that they finally added the newest Sonic movie and a movie I really wanna
watch (The Bad Guys). But by the time I typically get in, VRChat released an update mainly for PhysBones. Great.. wonder what’s broken mod wise. Surprisingly, nothing! Got on, and went for the LS Media world.
Saw one of the two new movies. The Bad Guys wasn’t there. Weird. I thought they added it. What’s going on? Invited Jero who wanted to see the new Sonic movie with me (and so did I with him).
He started the movie, and started talking about what he was seeing.. while I was seeing a black screen. Uhh. Are you sure about that, Jero? Because I see nothing. Checked the area where I normally would see a viewing bar, it showed ‘Invalid URL’ instead. Immediately I thought this was a mod-related issue. This has got to be on my end, because it’s working fine for him.
Jero assumed “region lock”.. HOW though?! That makes no sense, even to himself. Why in the fuck would they region lock it in America?! It’s in English! Anyway, I tried clearing my cache and even disabled mods. Every time, I got ‘Invalid URL’. Jero had an idea, of grabbing a link of the movie in the UK, so I can paste it. I waited for him to go get the
link.
Then a thought came to me, to check the other movies. “Could it just be this movie?” I thought. No! No, it was happening to every. single. one! They were all giving me the same error. WHAT THE HELL!! ..Please don’t tell me I have an issue with my computer!
–
So I reported this to the LS Media Discord server. Three minutes later another person reported the same problem. Huh. I may not be alone in this. I added additional information that a friend of mine in the UK sees the movies but I can’t, and it was working perfectly fine before the VRChat update. The owner of the world responded to both of our messages, wanting logs. I send mine and the other person sent theirs.
Back in VR, Jero had one more idea: to make a new instance of this world in the UK. He felt pretty confident this will work. We tried it, and sure enough it did!
So yeah, talk about using a VPN. Heh.
============================================================== Giving Jelly a reality check
==============================================================
With the movie over, we both really liked it. To be spoiler free, I liked how it
captured Sonic 2 and Sonic 3 pretty well. And the ending, really interested me. There is going to be another movie. That is a given. But it might not be ‘Sonic The Hedgehog 3’.
Malice then messages me in Discord. I’m thinking “hmm, he wants to hang with me”. I
tell Jero and he’s heading to bed, saying he’s going to be changing his schedule or something like that. Dunno if that means I’m going to see him less or more often. Likely less. But anyway, I said my goodbyes and waited for him to log out, then went back to my homeworld.
Once in, I started looking up worlds for ‘apartment’ (looking for a new home world as this one is too ‘dirty’ with drama now). Found several by the time Malice wanted to join me.
He talked about his job mainly, and I did my best to listen in. Jelly then joined and stood infront of the mirror, then he ran off. Found that a bit rude of him but tried to ignore
it.
20 minutes later, Jelly comes back to the mirror. He turns to us and then starts
screaming. I’m like “Jelly! Dude! I’m trying to listen to Malice!” He stops then goes over to him, and tries to ‘help’ by not listening (at all) to what Malice is telling him. I had to tell him “Jelly.. shut your mouth and listen!” ….I hated saying that, and it really made me feel bad when I saw Jelly go for the mirror like he was pissed at me raising my voice.
I’m just really getting tired of him not really.. being there for Malice. Felt I was dealing with a child who honestly doesn’t really need to be in a relationship.
When Malice was done talking, I tried to apologize to Jelly for what I said. But he wouldn’t say anything. Malice too was trying to get ahold of Jelly, so I told him “I’m just going to head outside to leave you two alone” (feeling I may’ve overstepped my boundary for speaking up).
Halfway to the back outside area, I hear Jelly suddenly saying “what happened??” over and over. I sighed when I hear Malice sigh about me walking away, turned around and went back. Knowing how Jelly’s attitude is, I had a really difficult time getting the right words out that wouldn’t make this even worse on me. Somehow I managed and didn’t get slammed for them. ..Infact I started warming up to him over this. He knows where he’s fucking up, but he doesn’t know how to fix them (or why it’s so difficult of him not to have these come naturally). He said 10 years ago, he was much worse than he is now.
—
So I tried to ‘teach’ him, mainly on how to be a better friend and lover to Malice. I explained the three C’s of a healthy relationship, and to try to be there as much as you can for him. But always listen. Be there to listen, so he’ll know you care.
But as I continued to explain, I feared I would eventually start repeating myself and sure enough I was. RL family curse. I tried to move on and go to a different topic, but I kept going back to the last one. Eventually I did stop myself for a long time. And all of that
time, I assumed Malice was asleep (he actually wasn’t). So I told Jelly literally
everything.. and I mean everything, even about myself. Like how I was worried about them breaking up and that I would be labeled as ‘boyfriend material’ by Malice.. but I backed it up by explaining this has been happening almost constantly to me, of people falling inlove with me because I like helping people out with their relationship issues.
Jelly understood me completely. I’m very glad I was able to talk to him and not feel scared about doing it. Outside of his rough attitude, I can see someone who really needs help to be a better person. But right now, he hates himself. I dunno what I can tell him. Tried to say “that’s good, because it shows you want to improve” but he took it the wrong
way. And.. I shouldn’t had said anything honestly. I only made things worse. ..Oy.
Later on, he left. And that’s when I discovered Malice.. was still awake and heard every single word we said. That’s both good and bad, but that really depends on him.
Personally I don’t feel this is going to be bad. Like a mix of good and neutral (mostly good). But then again, who knows? Maybe I did go overboard. We’ll have to see.
Posted inComputing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal|Comments Off on Jero’s controller surgery / New movies in movie world + Unexpected VRChat update = Headaches / Giving Jelly a reality check
Totally didn’t rip off the Golden Girls theme song to go over the subject of this blog post. First the TL;DR version: I no longer have to worry about Malice seeing me as ‘boyfriend material’. Infact I never had to worry. Sure the tension was definitely there, but thankfully their relationship is still good.
Because for Malice’s own health, he has to ignore what happened: bottle it up and hope it never leaks out. So that’s basically what happened yesterday in a nutshell.
–
And now the normal version, with added material…
While I was working on yesterday’s blog post, Malice was thanking me for being with him via Discord. He wasn’t really sure what caused him to suddenly unbottle all of his emotions at once. Told him he was having an emotional breakdown. But just incase he had forgotten, I also told him on how uncaring Jelly and Legal were being that night. But I really didn’t have to is he already knew the whole thing.
But after I mentioned why I didn’t sleep in VR with him, he stopped talking and went offline again. Felt I said something wrong, but how? It should be perfectly understandable that I wouldn’t want to damage my headset. Went back to work on my blog post.
The evening came and Malice messages me, and.. again thanks me for being there. My fears start to become realized, especially the fact he’s playing his favorite game solo. but I try to play it cool and just keep working on my blog post.
…I forget to charge my trackers and controllers (again) when 9pm came (when I usually get on VRChat), so I had to wait for that. Why, oh why can’t someone invent a wireless Vive tracker charger?! With how frequent most people that have FBT use their
trackers, surely someone would have something like that by now. …But it doesn’t
exist.
I might want to invest in getting a USB charger strip, some two-sided velcro, and strap it to the top of my dresser. This way, I’ll have an easier way to plug in my trackers and controllers (with shorter cords that won’t get tangled with everything else).
Wow did I go off-topic there. So anyway, while I was waiting for my trackers/controllers to charge, I was talking to Jero in Discord about his faulty left controller. I was thinking he was going to pick this day to fix his controller, as ‘tired Jero = risk of damaging stuff’. Instead he worked, as a financial security blanket. So that’s very understandable. Said he would pick the next day and “might stream it”. My prayers for a successful controller surgery go out to you, Jero. 🙏
Came on around midnight with everything now charged. I ‘mentally prepared
myself’ for ‘the realization’ that Jero will likely not be on that night (as he would be asleep). Yes.. I know this is likely ‘silly and stupid’ to you. But it helps my mentality.
Watched Youtube videos on the TV. A minute later, Malice logs in and shortly after asks for an invite. “Was he actually waiting for me to log in?” I asked myself. Accepting his invite, my mind starts thinking “well fuck, he wants to tell me himself that be dumped Jelly.”
Keep trying to play it cool as Malice joins. He says nothing for the longest time. Then Jelly and a friend of theirs joins me. Silence, for a long time. So very odd. Is there something wrong with my headset? Suddenly Jelly says something very random. ..Phew, so it’s not me. You guys were just in a call.
It seemed everything (at the time) was alright between Malice and Jelly. Was very thankful. Infact it was even better than I hoped when we were all on the bed (for some reason). There’s this person that has been coming to Malice’s work place, that he really likes. And he believes of himself being lonely IRL, is what caused his mental breakdown that night. So he starts to message the guy in Telegram.
Later on after the guy heads to bed, things start to go a bit sour. I can’t remember what started it, but what I do remember is talking to Malice about relationship stuff. Apparently he’s both in this open (with Jelly).. and in a polyrelationship. Uhhh. Although he
knows, he KNOWS how messy this is… he stays with it. ..Why? I mean I get lonely, but come ON dude!! This is ridiculous!! You don’t NEED this.
—
So later on, I’m laying down on my back and Malice is laying next to me. He checks his heart rate and this time.. it’s dangerously low. His heart rate is going from 60 to 47. He also claims he just passed out a few times. Dude, don’t you want to tell Jelly about this? Or contact your mother? Jelly hears me and starts repeatably asking “what’s going on??” Feeling I just fucked up because I wanted Malice to say it instead of me, but Malice did finally tell Jelly.
Even later on, Malice and I are talking while Jelly’s looking in the mirror. Then he
says “screw it” and motions Jelly to come on, and tells him “I love you”. After that, his heart rate goes back to normal. Like he managed to re-bottle everything.
This almost feels like what Kovo goes through with Nova, but without the heart rate
issues: the whole ‘damned if you do damned if you don’t’ thing of being stuck in a relationship you don’t want but you know leaving will make things worse on you. With Malice, it’s more of a ‘life or death’ thing. He can’t handle it, not just mentally but physically. It’s going to end up literally killing him. Even though he’s 21-years-old.
This is why I felt what he was truly going through, was weed withdraw. He’s been feeling so high, so relaxed and stuff, that it’s become a drug to want more. But like I said
before, I’m no expert. I’m just guessing, going by how he’s acted.
One other thing happened last night. Scooby joined us and was depressed about something. After a long time very carefully trying to get him to open up to both myself and Malice. And what he told me, reminded me of the first time I met Garruk in that train world (if Garruk was an asshole). The guy tricked Scooby, how the two had a lot in common. They ERP’d, then later on telling Scooby “by the way I have a BF” and then apologizing for forgetting.
Scooby blames himself for not seeing this sooner. Malice and I both tried to tell him this is not his fault, but the fault of the guy. But of course it’s going to take him a long time to get over this. Malice believes the guy was lying about having a BF. Sounds like a male black widow.
in a condescending tone.
from me (and they don’t really blame me), I’ll need to do my original idea and make a bunch of clones of the object.. with a twist. I also have to do each. and every. single. on. and off. animation for every one of my idle poses. Fun times.
