That’s all I’m going to say here before I get started with this latest blog post.
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Hunkering down in the ‘crash free bunker’
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Yet another public instance Jero was in yesterday. It was in the house boat world. Really hesitated if I should join knowing how small the world is.. with 16 people there. But I joined anyway. Saw Jero chilling with some randoms (and so many others around him). I kept my distance for the longest time, and it’s a good thing I did when I saw nearly everyone leave the instance. I waited for Jero to come back and he did, again in full body.
I jokenly asked him “did I just survive a crasher??” He says “I didn’t” and he didn’t give his usual chuckle. Hmm. Too far?
I wanted to say it as a warning to get out of public instances, especially when the instance started filling up with more people. He said “the crasher is gone. I believe”. I said “I just want to be ready for anything.”
–
I discover a ‘secret’ area tucked away on the other side of the wheel, that leads to a lower level with a bed and a low ceiling. There was someone here but they were AFK at the time. And when they came back, they left the room. I stayed down here for the longest
time, feeling this was a ‘crash free bunker’ (as not many came down here).
Malice then surprisingly joins me. Left the safety of the bunker to go bring him over. Jero’s here and he’s saying hi to Malice. Finally I get Malice to follow me, and kind of expect Jero to also do so. But I don’t think he saw me.
I tell Malice “yes, this a public instance. Not my choice”. He says “Yeah I know, a black man is here.. no I’m kidding”. I knew he was referencing Jero, and I know Malice to not be a racist person. He only jokes around, as he’s into dark humor. But he’s never serious about what he says.
Then his friends started joining. I managed to get them into the bunker as well. And we chilled while Malice was watching racist Family Guy episodes (which is almost every episode).
—
After another crash up top, I messaged Jero asking him if he wants to go to a non public instance. Half an hour later, he joins. Finally I managed to get him in the bunker. So now everyone’s here, crash free. Noticed Jero didn’t want to go over to me. Found that very odd.
A friend of mine who was next to me, said he was going to go to another world. It was joinable, and I asked the others “you guys wanna go there?” Malice eventually said
yeah “but it’s up to everyone else”. All of us wanted to go there.. except Jero. And when I asked him if he wanted to go with us, he said “I might” …what’s going on with you, Jero? You’re acting very strange.
..I would soon get my answer.
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My ‘racist’ friends
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“This is wherrrrrrre our friendship ends. I just sit here wondering how youuuuuuu, stand by your racist friends.” -Likely Jero
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In the new world, I needed to go use the bathroom IRL. When I came back, everything seemed alright. Then a few minutes later, I start getting messages from Jero, talking
about not liking someone as much as I don’t really like Mibit. And “I hate him”.
Waaa–? This is very unlike Jero to ever use the word ‘hate’ on someone.
Asked him “do you hate Mibit?”, as I was so confused what the hell was going on with him. “No, Malice” he answers, calling him and Jelly a racist. I.. couldn’t believe Jero was acting like this. And I tried to defend their actions, saying they’re not actually racist, they’re just joking around. And he says “ok benie lllllloolllll”
WTF?! That’s the only thought that came to me. Why won’t you believe me?! I wanted to get both him and Malice together, and solve this like adults. But I knew Jero wasn’t willing to do so. So I motioned Malice to follow me, feeling very upset and not able to think straight over the whole ordeal. I told him what Jero told me, and was hoping he would bring Jero over to talk to him.. and make him realize they’re not racists. I felt Jero was being really ridiculous at the time.
Then I happen to look over and… saw him looking at us for a split second. What. the. fuck, Jero?! This is unlike you!! But before I could go over to him to figure out why in the fuck he would stoop this low to spy on our conversation, he leaves. I– WHAT?! This is the same guy who told me he isn’t bothered anymore by this kind of talk!! What the hell made him snap?!
I begin to suddenly feel “…oh no. This is my fault!! Why did I do this?! I should had not told Malice! …FUCK!! Why didn’t I listen before, when he said ‘I don’t mind you being friends with Kandy’.. WHY DIDN’T IT COME TO MIND FOR THIS?!”
Malice tried to calm me down, trying to shift the blame back on Jero. …But all I could
feel, was my heart breaking in half, knowing I had just possibly lost my best friend. Malice kept trying to calm me down, and finally I relaxed enough to think. Not to mention Jero was messaging me on Discord. But I didn’t want to see the messages…, fearing
them.
Malice tried to invite Jero back in, but feeling he won’t accept it. The situation was escalating when I saw in VRCX, he went back to Ask Me.
I tried so hard to keep myself together. Then suddenly it was like a ‘friend
explosion’ happened with four of my friends showing up randomly. This.. did help me a bit. Especially when TJ was also here. Helped me to think about something else.
Then, Jero came back. But he didn’t join off of me. Frost was here. And, he ignored me while I was trying to focus my attention on TJ (to not think about him).
I’m with TJ with Malice next to me, trying my hardest not to think about Jero.
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Kovo going too far?
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I then was reminded (in my head) about what Kovo randomly told me a few days ago
in Telegram. Pulled TJ aside as I didn’t want to fully mention everything he said about the situation (to the others). With us in a more secluded area, I told her when both her and her BF were in the call, and how he learned something about the BF, that he’s “been dating for three years”. It seemed he did the math and discovered.. TJ was a minor by the time they started dating.
TJ defended herself, saying that’s not true. Though, she was a minor at the time, they weren’t dating until much later after she turned 18. And about the whole thing
where Kovo claims TJ tried to ERP with him when she was 17, she never actually did it at that age. She also doesn’t really remember (sadly Kovo does).
She wants Kovo to relax about the whole thing, and she “doesn’t know what else to tell him”.
Then I.. kind of told her about the whole Jero situation (without revealing names). She hugged me in the only way one can in Desktop mode, and hopes everything will be better.
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Going back to the ‘My ‘Racist’ Friends’ segment…
Back with the others, I saw Jero and everyone near Malice and Jelly. Was thinking
maybe Jero blocked them and moved on with his life… which shockingly didn’t happen. Malice and Jelly started joking around with their racist talk when I was there, then I
saw Jero and the others leave us.
I have.. SO many questions.
1. Why didn’t you block them if they’re so ‘racist’?!
2. Why did you go over to them, if you know they’re ‘racist’?!
I believe I have the answer for the second one: me. He left, when he saw ME with them. What fucking kind of a point are you trying to MAKE, Jero?! The classic “either them or me. Make a choice”?? Do you realize how fucking childish that is, if that’s true?!
….What the hell happened to you, man?! This is not the Jero I remember!! I started messaging him in Telegram, begging to know what the hell made him snap when he said before.. he’s not bothered by that kind of talk. But also telling him that I’m sorry for not listening to you before. I was stuck in a deep depression, wanting to tell Malice. Wanting the old Jero to come back to me, before all this mess happened.
Much later, when I come back from using the bathroom (again), Malice leaves with a friend. So, I go to the LS Media world.. alone. They added Beastars as English Dubbed as I asked for it, and Jero (before) was really excited. I thought we were going to watch it together… 😢
Now they had The Bad Guys there, and I watched it.. alone.
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“Wow your really selfish”
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1/4 into the movie, I started getting a bunch of messages. I knew it was from Jero but I didn’t want to read them. Then 15 minutes later, he comes on. I’m thinking he’s going to join me, and we’re going to talk about this. ..I begged him to join me, praying there’s still some of that ‘old Jero’ left in him.
Instead…
‘jeromeah is no longer your friend’ comes up on VRCX.
My heart, sunk. I…I just lost my best friend on this planet. The only reason I even
play VRChat anymore. But I kept myself from falling apart until the movie ended. Started pacing around the world, not knowing what to do.. what to think. I got a knot in my stomach from how sick I felt. And.. I just wanted to lay down and DIE. I didn’t wanna live anymore!! ..Not without Jero in my life! But, he’s not the same Jero who I knew just a day ago.
Somehow I thought of wanting to see Malice, but he didn’t respond to me. I
tried Baddee, but he too didn’t respond. Then I tried Jelly, who did. I mainly asked him when I sent my message: “is Malice with you?” And clearly he wasn’t. We both assumed he was asleep… and then I just.. fell apart infront of him. I couldn’t keep my emotions in any longer! They hurt so much! Explained what I could to Jelly, then Baddee and Malice both wanted to join. But I couldn’t accept their request. Jelly claimed the instance
was Invite+, but I would had been able to accept their invites if that’s true.
Malice sent another invite and I told Jelly. He’s all “fuck it, I’ll make another instance. I don’t care what world it is”.
We went to the same world. Now I can accept their invites. Baddee first joined, and I told him “I’ll explain the entire thing when Malice gets here”. Malice did, and the only
thing Jelly was upset with Jero about, is how he was listening into the conversation with me and Malice. I did agree, but I was also trying to not fall apart again (and just listen).
Eventually I was able to speak, and finally saw the messages Jero sent me in Telegram. And from what I saw… wow, has he changed. The Jero I once knew, is gone.
The first thing.. he said, was “wow your really selfish”…. and I broke down TENFOLD after reading that!!
To call.. me, selfish.. someone who wanted to be there for me. Someone who told me that it’s OK to use him as an emotional punching bag. Someone who SWORE they’ll always be there for me. ..Calls me selfish, because I DIDN’T WANT TO LOSE HIM AS A FRIEND!!
And I couldn’t stop crying… I’m sorry. It.. took me so long to put all of this pain, into words. ..To know, I’ve lost him. It hurts so much.
Malice and Baddee both tried to calm me down, saying I’m not selfish. After awhile I stopped crying, keeping my eyes closed. “You.. you guys, don’t know me that well. I may be nice and try to help my friends, but outside… my loneliness and depression, causes desperation to do things I know are wrong, and would end up hurting people. I don’t mean to hurt anyone!”
I then went over the other hurtful things Jero said, such as calling Malice and Jelly “racist extremists”. Both Malice and Jelly felt neutral to it, knowing they heard worse. Yet what just didn’t make sense is WHY Jero didn’t block the two and move on?!?!
Baddee gives his suggestion: he would see me talking to air. But honestly, that shouldn’t mean anything if it was truly hurting him THAT MUCH!! ..WHY was he bothered by it?! WHY didn’t he want to believe me.. his.. now once best friend?!
“Past trauma,” Baddee believes. Trauma Jero never told me, or maybe he did and I completely forgotten. Yet he never gave any hints to this trauma in his messages
anyway, only saying Malice and Jelly are “constant racists” and he doesn’t believe they’re joking around. ..That means he doesn’t believe me– the definition of ‘trust issues’. He let his emotions, control him. Something he usually keeps in control, he couldn’t this
time.
That’s why I pray, that in a few weeks/months/..years from now.. maybe he’ll come back. But I don’t think he’ll ever be the same Jero I remember. That Jero, died yesterday when he stopped believing me.
He should’ve handled the situation a lot differently. He could’ve left, and said in Telegram or Discord that he couldn’t stand the racist remarks. Then I would had joined him and we would had discussed it. ..But I doubt the outcome would’ve been any different. He wouldn’t believe me. Likely thinks I’m racist for hanging with them.
Could I had handled the situation better? I dunno. The fact he didn’t believe one word I said about them, I just dunno. I think that’s why both Baddee and Malice feel that Jero’s at fault for this one (for how he handled it), and not me.
Looking back at this, I have to agree with them. Jero used very improper judgement here. If only he’d listen to Malice, that they are not racists. They only JOKE.. around. It’s not something Malice can really help with. He told me that regular humor just doesn’t interest him as much as dark humor does.
Baddee believes them. Guess Jero’s not into dark humor. Neither am I, but it doesn’t bug me that they’re into it. Problem is, Jero doesn’t know them as well as I do. And I wish he saw that. I wish, he trusted me.
Then again, he should’ve blocked Jelly and Malice. Block the source of the trouble. Instead he exposes himself even more to it, and then tries to make me feel bad by saying I’m selfish. ..For WHAT, exactly?! Not seeing this your way?! Not wanting to lose you as a best friend?! I’m not being selfish.. YOU’RE being a bad friend, Jero!! ..You hurt me!
…His mindset wasn’t his own. And I bet he told Frost just how ‘racist’ they are.
.
Am I mad at Jero? No.
Disappointed for how he handled this. He could’ve joined me, in LS Media. But I believe he assumed I was still with ‘my racist friends’. I’m also a bit disappointed in myself. I could’ve told him “please join this world. They aren’t here.”
…Yet what good would that do, when he doesn’t believe me?
*sighs*
Looking back at JeroWorks 3.0, On one hand I’m glad I did nothing. But on the other, I feel I could use it in order to “undo what has happened”.
I would be “bringing Jero back before this whole mess. The Jero that was a great friend to me.” ..If only I knew how to do it in 3.0.
…I wonder if I start asking some friends. Could this be done? Fuck I hope so. I need this.