Benie's General Blog

Lots to discuss, even something that I’ll soon be linking here from the Games blog. I wanted to make up for not being on that long the day before. A thought that has crossed my mind for awhile, nearly got lucky with someone else (and I do mean ‘nearly’), and finally speaking to Jusper about the whole thing (and himself admitting having friends with benefits has drawbacks).. including what caused the ‘nearly’ to happen.
Something else came that night as well, but I will leave it as a surprise (and I don’t know if this is going to fall like the others.. probably will, but I hope it won’t).
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Am I actually bi, or gay? (Am I lying to myself by only being bi?)
A random thought that has crossed my mind since what Blueberry told me. He’s not the only one that said this to me. When around other guys, my friends think I’m gay (in a good way). So, I want to set the record curvy (because ‘straight’ would be a play on words with this subject).
If there were more girls of legal age playing VRChat (and as easy-going as guys are), then I would had remained straight. But since there’s not, I’ve become bi. And I don’t even declare myself as gay (as I still would really like to bang an actual girl in this game). If a girl found me attractive enough to become my boyfriend, that would be the best thing ever. But I just don’t see that happening.
This is why I’m not just declaring myself as gay… I feel it’s a major level of discomfort to call myself that. It took a few weeks just to get comfortable with being bi. Going gay, would take a lot longer. I don’t feel ‘gay’, I feel ‘bi’ (as being in a comfortable middle where I can choose).
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“I’m up all night to (almost) get lucky!”
Part 1 of 2: Note this subject will play into the next one. And since a lot had happened, I wanted to split it up.
First, a talk about a guy I’ve seen for awhile now; one of Kovo’s friends (named ‘cola’). He rarely uses his mic for some strange reason, but has made some really awesome avatars. Infact, nearly any avatar (even public), he can look extremely cute in it (and even, at
times, likes to show you just how cute he can be with them.. if you get what I mean).
In Kovo’s world, I caught him away from the group. Went over and gave him a head pat to see if there’s something wrong with him. He however, started acting sexy infront of
me (rubbing my nose, looking at me deeply, and licking me). ..Woah. Heheh. Definitely felt something.
Yesterday, I wanted some more of that. And he delivered (and even more than
that.. licking my fingers). Whew. Okay, you’re turning me on. But to make sure of what I was dealing with, I pulled him away from the others and asked him in private if he’s 18 or above. He nodded his head yes.
Okay, we’re gonna have some fun. ..That is, if you want to. He nodded his head again, and I decided to go to Foxes Den 2 (though IMO this messed up my chances with him). Setting up the chair isn’t really possible for someone in VR (to look right).. especially someone in full body.
So I got an idea, of him maybe laying on his back IRL. It seemed like he was interested to do so. Then when he did, he suddenly left the world. Thinking he crashed (or if he needed to set his trackers to do it right), I waited 10 minutes for him to come back. And, you don’t realize how (literally) uncomfortable that was for me. I.. actually had a boner IRL from him licking me and stuff. :/ OOF 100.
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He never showed up though. Began to feel this was my fault (even though I had asked him if he was seriously interested). Though I should had picked a better world for that (a world for VR users). Since then I didn’t really feel like doing anything, or seeing anyone. It really depressed me. I tried my best to not let it get to me, but as time went on.. I began to become distant from friends and running around aimlessly in worlds, not knowing what to do. I know what I wanted, but no-one was on that could seriously make me feel better. On top of that, Breezy wanted my attention for something going on in his virtual life.
And what he wanted was to make sure hugging a minor (and nothing else) is OK. Told him yes. Also told him about my issue (because he asked, and I bet he regrets asking as for saying he doesn’t know how to help me).
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Why even Jusper admits drawbacks (And how he deals with them)
Seeing everyone in Stormy Cave adventure world, I was still in my sour mood when Jusper pops up (and is all alone). *takes a very deep breath* In a way this is kind of his fault for giving me the idea, but I blame my mind more. So I have to tell him in a way where I won’t feel like stabbing myself to make myself tell him (aka to let go of my shame). Finally I worked up the courage to tell him how I feel about this whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing, and how I don’t feel fully happy about it.
People start seeing us, and Jusper leads me away from everyone (using his modified client to see people coming through the walls). We get into a ditch and continue talking, him asking me if it’s the fact I don’t feel committed to a single person. Yet this wasn’t what was really eating at me (it was more about Cola leaving, working me up and then leaving. I know I should feel “that’s fine, there’s others”. But the way he was acting around me, was just.. wow. It’s a feeling that isn’t going to go away).
But first, he told me that he too feels sometimes saddened by it, but he preoccupies his mind with games outside of VRChat (and suggests that I do the same, even saying to play games I’ve played many years ago). Says he’s been semi-helping with a Gmod DarkRP gamemode, and when it’s done, he’ll be one of the admins of it (and said for me to “find people like that”)– to play non-VR games with friends.
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Sadly Jusper, that isn’t going to happen for me. You wanna know why? Shyness. Maybe he too is shy, but he seems to overpower it pretty easily. Except my shyness tends to overpower me. It depends on how I feel. But if you put me in another multiplayer game I’m not used to, I will become super shy.
The good thing about VRChat, isn’t the fact I have multiple friends, but it’s a game I can play without needing people online to do a specific task.
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Right, enough of that. Back at spawn with Jusper (with a friend of his, but I’m starting to feel a bit more confident to speak to both of them), I tell Jusper about cola. He actually gets shocked and surprised as I continued my story (of how I nearly banged cola).
Tells me “cola would not be doing that, this is unlike him”. Well, he did, and I know Jusper is aware I don’t lie. “Did he have his mic on or not?” Jusper asks, “he had it off” I said to his question. “Then he was nervous. Probably wasn’t thinking straight” and adding “you are lucky you managed to get him to go that far”.
“But if he was nervous, why didn’t he show it? He could had expressed so. I asked him several times and he acted like he was interested” I responded with. “As I said, he probably wasn’t thinking straight.”
And this made me feel a bit better about myself, now feeling it wasn’t my fault for being the way I am. I still felt lonely though (that none of my regular friends can help with), but at least some of the depression lifted from my chest.
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‘The Surprise’
Finally we have gone to the final part of the post. Now I originally wanted to add a spoiler to this (to keep the surprise), but sadly the spoiler script is mysteriously malfunctioning. I’ll have to look into it later. So, I guess I might as well reveal it.
But before I do, I’ll talk about what lead up to it. After Jusper helped me feel better, my son showed up at the perfect time (as he said he’ll join the others who were in Kovo’s world).
Joined them, and I also saw Red Fox on. My heart swelled and I tried to bring him
here, and he joined (yay, cuddle time!!), and I felt so much better (and felt like my mind was my own again).. as he did one simple thing; he licked me (for the longest time). It was so sweet.
Later on, after doing a horror map (and failing at it) and it was quite early for me (was around 4:45am, 15 minutes ’till bedtime), asked my son if he wanted to go see a
few (quick) movies and sent an invite to Red Fox (he joined). While talking to Red, my son said he was going to rename himself to ‘InsanelyFluffy’. But he was having issues rejoining the instance. While that was going on, I was offering Red a chance to finally have someone that really cares for him (aka me to be in an online relationship with him). One time he said he didn’t know if he could as he didn’t have VR.
Remembering what I wrote down of the ‘Jero VS Ron’ thing, I told him that he doesn’t need VR to show and to feel love. For love doesn’t come from a device on your face, it comes from your heart. And he thought that was extremely sweet of me to say that… if only Jero felt this kind of love. Meh.
Shortly before 5am (and with a new instance for my son to finally join. I was accepting every invite he sent me, but the game was being a derp), he had to go and I kissed him goodnight.
I also told Red I too gotta go, and he called me “sweetie”. 🙂 Awww! Looks like I found a second father for Insanity (or should I say ‘Insanely’). But, the whole thing can easily fall apart with Red deciding that it’s best we ‘just remained friends’. And it’s going to break my heart (again).

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but Jero clearly doesn’t seem interested in forgetting his past love and starting a new chapter in his life with me. I feel I have tried nearly everything to show him that he should see me more than just a good friend. But everytime I try, he says “awwww.. thanks Benie”.
I have even changed my Discord picture to show him that we were meant to be
together (a picture of myself and him). And I thought I actually had it, but then he says nothing after his initial reaction.

I keep wondering this. What else do you want, for me to show you that I will never leave you? And as I write this post, I wonder if I should just give up trying (as it seems impossible). However, Kovo feels there could be more to this (of ties to FOXGRACE, the one he feels is spying on us).

After that thing with DJ coming up and playing the victim of the big bad Frost out to get him, Kovo wanted to talk to me after we were just wrapping up the Space Engineers run. Got online and invited him to my chosen home world, but he was busy. So I went to go see Jero. Stayed with him as long as I could until Kovo was ready to talk, and told Jero I would be back with him when I’m done (and he showed no “awww, hurry back soon!”).
Talked to Kovo. After that was all done, Scooby wanted an invite to the world (and so did others). Thought of making a Friends Only instance of the world and did so, hoping Jero would join me. Sent him several invites, but he never came. So I resorted to DMs in hopes he’ll come. He told me “im in the strip room with frost and loads of furys” and asked if I wanted to come. Said “I was hoping you would join me. Hanging out with Kovo and several others.”
No response since then. I didn’t wanna go there because of Frost and deal with the drama that DJ claims he’ll turn me against him. Kovo feels that Jero is more than just friends with Frost (and could had been lying to me all this time as being one of FOXGRACE’s friends(using ‘jeromeah’ as an alt account)).
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I personally feel Kovo’s being a bit paranoid. Because.. why? If this is true, why would he even bother doing so? What would FOXGRACE even get out of this? He’s not pulling a Rusty and trying to make my life a living hell, for trying to help my friends. At least, not yet.
But, if Kovo’s right, this would explain why he didn’t say anything (and why he didn’t say anything after asking him yesterday if he wanted to join the group chat Ren set up for my Space Engineers server). He promised he would “always stay with me”, yet I have to talk to him to join me. This is why I feel I’m being friend-zoned.
I really hate to say this, but I’m starting to feel that he’s no different than Ron. …At least Ron said “love you babe” to me.
On top of that, yesterday I tried to break the ice by trying to get him to talk more (about his job, and if he has pets). But when the conversation stops, he doesn’t continue it. He even went offline (never came back online in VRChat) without even saying bye.

Alright, Jero (if that’s really your name… I don’t know anymore), I’m about ready to
say (but not directly to him) “clearly you don’t want to start anything more than just friends. Have it your way. I have tried everything I can think of to open my heart to you; to show you that you can let go of your past and start a new chapter (with me), and at times you take it, but only toss it away by saying ‘thanks Benie’.
I’m getting tired of this. I’m tired of my heart being tossed away like a toy. Even if you aren’t deliberately doing it, you’re not seeing it from my perspective.”
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Going to give this one last chance. One of these days when he comes online, I’m going to ask him to come to my world and try to get him to talk more about his past love. If he continues to refuse to let that abusive relationship go, I’m letting him go as a potential BF.
Can’t go to Frost about it as I don’t know who’s side he’s on, and Aftershock has his own love drama to deal with (of Blueberry).
This is something I have to deal with on my own. I started this, I have to finish it.

What. a. day. As the title (and the meme above) says, yesterday was supposed to be a normal Sunday!! A Sunday without drama. Instead, shit kept hitting the fan yesterday with Azure and Lich (and Kovo feeling Lich might be thinking of committing suicide).
…A possible suicide happened with CybermutT (Kovo is blaming himself for not being there), and then DJ ruining my SE play with Ren and Phoenix with drama that Frost is (understandably) pissed at him for not wanting to drop that drama.
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Also, yesterday was Father’s Day. And I sadly didn’t do what I should had with
mine (instead it turned into a yelling match with my mother suddenly not knowing what a 70% chance of rain is, and not knowing what she meant to say as what’s the hourly chances for rain, then he got involved…) *facepalm*
So, let’s get to what happened after this. Basically, this started after I started getting kind of annoyed Kovo was never ready to play Space Engineers (and Ren wanted everyone to be ready, based off of what I said). After getting the go that I can launch the server without him, he starts explaining in a DM of the reasons why he can’t be there.
First off; Azure(Kat) and Lich. I now know who dumped who, and it was quite surprising to find out… Kat did. But, why? First time I looked, they were happy together. Next time, Kovo tells me the two parted ways.
Now, he feels Lich might be thinking of suicide (or changing their profile pic from the smug dragon to a person alone on a dock, looking out at the ocean). He is definitely hurting from this. But again.. why would Kat do this? Lich claims that Kat deliberately wants him out of her life. This is unlike her.
Kovo once mentioned that Kat is on prescription drugs, and the time it did show a
motive (until Lich shut it down saying she was lying to Kovo). Now I have no idea. This is beyond anything I can think of.
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The conversation then goes about CybermutT (who’s named ‘gone’), who Kovo asks me of they’re still on my friends list. I first checked Kovo’s Discord and.. didn’t see him there. Not on my friends list either (nor will Discord pick him up).
Kovo feels he “saw the warning signs” and knew he should had talked to him but
didn’t, and feels.. he commit suicide. I still remember about a week ago, when I saw Cyber by himself in Kovo’s world– he looked sad, but was AFK for the longest time. Others tried to ‘wake him up’ (literally yelling “WAKE UP CYBER!!”) but to no avail.
Then I remember going over somewhere else in the world to do something (don’t remember what as it’s been a long time), coming back and noticed Cyber was gone. Asked a friend of his if he saw him, and something about he(Cyber) was tired and said was going to bed. Yet Cyber relocated himself to the movie world, and I tracked him down to see what was going on with him.
Again he was alone. Walked over and he’s watching some comedy or something (can’t remember exactly). Tried to comfort him. This time he’s speaking, but sadly. Something about stuff going on in his life, but he thought I was talking about his relationship with that guy (who I wish I knew the guy’s name ingame, as the person might had known what happened to Cyber). And no, I never was.
I offered to give him ‘something’ to help ease the stress he’s going through, but he said he’s not interested. So that’s when you know something’s wrong with him. Yet he just wouldn’t open up to me.
The more I tried, eventually I feel he got tired of it and went to a similar instance of the world. Tracked him down to be with him again, and he ran off where I saw Kovo and a few others watching a movie. Felt he was pushing me away, so I decided to give him his space.
Since then, I noticed he changed his name to ‘trash’. And yesterday was the last time I saw him. I refuse to say that I ‘contributed’ to this in anyway. All I was trying to do was help to get whatever was bugging him, out of his mind.
Kovo like I said, he “saw the warning signs” and feels like an ass for doing nothing. But I told him not to blame himself. It’s not his fault, it’s not my fault. But Kovo said that he managed to check Cyber’s Mutual Friends, and noticed everyone but Vale was gone from the list. So if Cyber did indeed.. off himself, he probably saw Vale as his most trusted friend and left him a suicide note. But since Vale’s in the military, we may never know what (if anything) Cyber told him for a good long time.
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Final drama of the night happened during when I was with Ren and Phoenix in Space Engineers. They were trying to get Kovo’s rover out of a deep hole (that was on its back). Then DJ DMs me saying “bye i guess lone will make me lose you and many other friends and make my life a living hell so yeah”

At the time I didn’t know what was going on (as I was trying to focus on making sure everything was going alright in the server(if I needed to do a restart or whatever)). I told Kovo everything word for word while trying to multitask for the server. Now obviously seeing DJ was once again ‘playing the victim’.. pathetic (telling me he has issues in
life, etc), I played along trying to act like I feel sorry for him and stuff. I did it so well that it actually convinced Kovo that I was letting DJ walk all over me. lol
Kovo later told me he “shoved his foot up his ass” (and showing the conversation). Haha!!

.
So, that’s about it for this day. There’s still one thing that (personally) bugs me. It has nothing to do with anything of this, but of a possible tornado threat Wednesday
evening (the worst possible time for tornadoes, as you can’t see them). A bit late into the season for tornadoes. I just hope it’s not going to be another March 2nd. Though even last Saturday was pretty bad with multiple tornado warnings (several confirmed reports, the largest being an EF-2).
What’s funny, is I actually guessed it when I was looking at it through the CC (though the Radarscope app). Pretty big signature, and guessed an EF-2.

(This music feels fitting for a rainy, stormy weekend of my mood)

I felt this needed to be its own post, as it’s going to be another “oh woe is me, feel sorry for me!!” subject. *sigh*
If you can’t tell by the title, things sadly didn’t go as planned for myself and Jero. Blueberry was right in his assumptions, that Jero was indeed ‘uncomfortable and worried’. I hoped he would be wrong, and this was just the way Jero normally acts around others. But Blue wasn’t. Infact, Jero didn’t feel he needed to talk about it ingame (as he told me in the DM). And I’m glad he decided to tell me like this, as this means I probably will not be playing VRChat for a week (or more).
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He feels he rushed the relationship when he said Yes to me. Said he was in one two months ago and is still trying to get over it (in a VRChat-like game called ‘Altspace VR’). That’s actually about the same time when Wuffer and I were dating.
Also, this feels like ‘trust issues’. Probably thought I was going to leave him, which if this is true, I can understand. But I was too pissed off at myself to ask him this. Here I was worried Ron was going to do something he’ll regret… yet I’m feeling that when Jero let me go. I let Ron go, feeling Jero was the one… only to have NOTHING because of him having trust issues!!! Now I have NO-ONE that’ll love me like Wuffer did!!
I told Blueberry the sad news, who told me to talk to Aftershock (claiming he could help me out). Pfft. Noone can help me. I thought Frost could help me, but he turned his back instead of teaching me how to do a relationship the right way!
Aftershock DM’d me, asking me to talk to him. Fine, but you’re just going to waste your breath (just like everybody else who thought they could help me). You can’t help a stubborn mind (just like Trump supporters, climate change deniers, flat Earthers, and anti-vax parents)!!
But.. he somehow managed, telling me just where I have been fucking up my
chances (that are beyond ‘rushing it’). It’s because I like the title. I like displaying it, to show I’ve achieved something in life.
To say “I have a boyfriend” brings me so much joy, as I no longer feel alone (when it feels like all of my friends are ‘better than me’). It almost feels like a ‘bet’ of sorts, which is obviously a problem, as not everyone that I ‘pull in’ in hopes they would love me and stuff is going to see it this way. I guess I feel like a real life Johnny Bravo, who always fucks up their chances of getting into a relationship (and doesn’t see it the right way). But the only thing that keeps me away from admitting I’m like him, is I don’t see my body as ‘babe material’. I keep hoping my personality will win someone’s heart (again, the whole ‘bet’ thing).

So, knowing this, why can’t I force needing to feel love OUT of my fucking mind then (as I obviously have no business thinking of being in a relationship)?! It’s like my mind and my personality are two separate entities (which is why I keep arguing with myself, and always feeling split on almost everything in life).
But anyway, today I decided to tell Jero what I feel about all of this (just to see his reaction, and if I was right about this being trust issues).

EDIT: Decided to come back to VRChat (since for the third day straight we’re not going to play SE due to not everyone being ready and/or interested) and decided to watch
videos.. alone (in a friends only world, incase Jero or someone else wanted to come in and talk). Watched Tomb Raider. From what I saw, this is likely the prequel to the start of the first Tomb Raider game on the PS1 (while on the other side, can also show the more modern Tomb Raider from 2014).
Halfway through the video, noticed it’s getting unusually late for Jero to respond to my DMs. Saw him online in The Box and was going to send him an invite, but I wanted him to respond to my DM first. He eventually did by saying he was sorry for what happened.
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Seems I was right about him having trust issues (even though he never really said I
was). But he went into more detail of the why he has trust issues (even though I feel that’s not the only reason why he had to let me go). Like Ron, his parents don’t know he’s bisexual. Hell, my own parents don’t know (not that they need to anyway). And I bet Jero feels the same.
So the reason behind the trust issues is when he met this guy on the other VRChat-like game, he enjoyed it at first but said the person was making him “feel small infront of his friends and it got toxic.” And after breaking up with him, they got into an argument and turned all of Jero’s friends against him.. sounds like what happened with Frost.
He doesn’t know why he keeps thinking of him (even though the person was very abusive to him). Hmmm.
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Finally he says “I’ll always be your friend and I’ll always be there for you. I promise.”
MMmmmmm… it still hurts when I thought you were the one. But, I do appreciate you wanting to be there for me. And maybe.. I might still have a chance. I just need to do what Aftershock said and “forget the title”; only focus on being a good friend (no matter how long it takes).
That’s where I’ve been fucking up. My heart’s in the right place, but my mind isn’t. And it frustrates me so.. so much that I’m forced to wait. And apparently I’m not alone– WildBoy claims he feels the same way (that he’s in the same boat as me).

He still didn’t come to see me after he wrote that, which bugged me for a bit (plus I was still upset). But I said to myself after reading the whole “I’ll always be there for you”
part: “alright Jero, it’s time to prove it” and requested him to join. Continued to watch the movie. 15 minutes pass and still no Jero. 10 minutes after that, I hear something to my left and see him and Frost, who shocked and surprised of what I’m doing of watching videos by myself. Never told him that Jero and I broke up.
For the remainder of the night (since Kovo never came online), we watched videos together. Other friends joined us and left. But I can see Jero still cares (a lot) for
me, staying with me throughout that night (where no one else would as they got bored). I can see he truly is sorry to let me go (but is keeping his promise).
—
Thank you, Jero. This means a lot to me. For the first time, I no longer feel alone (with him around me). I will do the same and be there for you as well. I just hope by doing so (by not rushing anything), it could convince him that I will not be like the other that wronged
him, that he can trust me to always be by his side.
I’m actually learning a lot from this experience. I’ve just been so worried that they’ll leave me for another, and I need to act fast. Now I’m starting to realize, I don’t need to. As long as I remain loyal to him, I feel this can’t go wrong (though there’s always that possibility the other just might not really be that interested in me).
That’s.. sadly how love works. You give it all– you open your heart to them, and they either accept or reject you.

I’m not 100% sure how this is going to work out. I can feel a 50/50 chance of either winning his heart or being friend-zoned forever.
I now see why Jusper feels commitment isn’t for him. Infact, I already know his secret without even asking him. The answer was right under my nose, and Aftershock revealed it to me. I just hope I don’t have to enact on it.