Benie's General Blog

Three things to talk about.
One has been explained by Kovo (yet a lot of it feels broken and Kovo has a very hard time explaining it to my simple mind), what happened last night with me and Cola (and how he surprised me in such a good way. Yet I also feel something could happen), and
finally.. something else going on IRL (but has nothing to do with my AC ‘blowing
up’ or ‘not being given a break’).
—–
Scooby and Jero
This is a continuation after finding out from Kovo that Jero is looking for potential relationships. What a load of BS.. leaves me, then has crushes on Kovo and Scooby (and God knows who else). I even said I would give him all the space he wants to think about
it.
But you know what’s even better? ..Finding out him and Scooby are now a fucking couple! Oh how funny it is when you told me “I cannot handle a relationship!” Lying sack of SHIT!!! YOU NEVER LOVED ME!! You only USED me! On top of that, he has unfriended me. ..Just going to say this: if Jero really cared, he would had come up to me and talked by now. But he’s too fucking scared to face me, because he knows I’m pissed off over this (and it isn’t going to die down until I see him as depressed and frustrated as I am, so he’ll feel what I’m going through).
However, that’s not the whole story; the two had an argument over something. Kovo was showing me that Scooby was worried about Jero. Something that had to do with Frost
and.. sounds like a real mess. And it really was, of trying to understand Kovo’s language as he tried to explain what happened. I seriously need to get a translator that has a ‘Kovospeak to English’ setting, as I still don’t know the full story.
All I know, is we were going to watch some videos in Bedroom Theature.. and Jero shows up, no longer friends with me.
…Let’s just move on, as there’s kind of a bigger issue if I don’t do something about it soon.
Maybe one of these days, I’ll talk to Jero and tell him how I feel. But not right now.
—–
..DAMN, Cola!
This was going to be a very interesting (and rather steamy) section. But now it’s turned into something not as fun (but I’m forced to deal with). Thanks, Kovo. But, I also kind of do actually thank him (without the sarcasm). But lets first get with the first part (and why it almost ended in major disaster).
Was the afternoon, was with Red Fox, trying to get him into a quieter instance. But he kept going AFK. Finally he was active enough that I went to my private world. But when I was about to invite him, I saw him offline (yet still playing according to Discord).
Was quite puzzled why VRChat was ‘cock blocking’ me, then Cola sent an invite to join me. Stopped communication with Red Fox, with him still trying to figure out why he wasn’t showing up online. Feel bad for doing so, but VRChat didn’t want it to work
out. Did apologize for not responding sooner (much later on).
We went to the movie world and tried to watch John Wick 2. Watched the first ten minutes of it before I told him I had to go eat dinner and would be back in an hour. When I came back, he wasn’t on. Told him I was back, no response. But he responded later saying he had a hard crash that did a number on his computer. Big OOF there. That sucks! Said he would be back on in a half an hour, and we “could have some fun”. Oh lord, I’m looking forward to that.
Joined off of another friend, just to say hi. That friend goes to meet someone else, and I don’t know where to go. Cola joins me, trying to get me to do something (don’t know what). Getting the idea to drop a portal, yet he won’t tell me where. I assume he wants to just go anywhere, so I decide to do a private instance of the movie world.
On the other side, Cola comes up to me and asks “of all the worlds, you picked this?” I said in my defense “I didn’t know what world you wanted to go to, so I picked the last one you went to”.
We went back to my home world after that. But discovering laying down on the bed didn’t really give the right results, we went to Bedroom Theature where Cola did his thing and I did mine. And one time he actually blew my mind, showing the power of full body by using his feet. I did my own surprise (giving him a Grade A blowjob).
Wow, that was fun. That definitely made up for the three days I haven’t (virtually) gotten any. I feel very much contented. Like he made sure I wasn’t going to want any for awhile. 🙂
–
However, this might be the last time we do it, for Kovo feels something bad is
coming, especially when I said that I wonder (and this is a very crazed assumption) that Cola might be wishing he didn’t have Luna as his boyfriend.
Kovo tells me that someone told him, there’s another kind of Open relationship, and Cola might be in it. He sent me a long DM with Kovo joking by saying “DAMN, I want that ass!” And Cola said to him “but if you want a piece of this booty I can ask him to give you permission to touch it”.
“Ask him to give you permission”? What? Kovo explained further saying this alternative open relationship, whoever has virtual sex with one, gives the other permission to do it with that person.. aka, me. And if he’s a top (which is likely), well.. I might as well get the lube.
Soon you can be fuck in your ass
By the other guy
-Kovo, figuratively and literally
Said my only way to save myself, is to talk to Luna and Cola in the same room and see if what Kovo says is true (without mentioning his name, of course). I cannot ask Cola directly, as Kovo feels he won’t tell me the truth. So I have to get ahold of
LunaTheWolfie.
Unfortunately when I asked Cola for his Discord name, it has emojis and Discord cannot search like this. So either Cola is going to have to let his BF know I’m looking for him (and I get a DM from them), or I catch Luna ingame and tell him to add me.

I’ll probably have another post just for this, once I can talk to both of them either in a Discord group call or ingame. Kovo’s just worried about me, but wants to stay out of
this (for personal reasons). He’s already dealing with Jero and Scooby, he doesn’t want this to deal with too.
Unfortunately, LunaTheWolfie’s Discord name has emojis, and Discord cannot search like this. So either Cola is going to have to let his BF know I’m looking for him (and I get a DM from them), or I catch Luna ingame and tell him to add me.
—–
Mother’s Jury Duty
Final topic of the day (I’m already going past the time I usually get online): more IRL shenanigans of dealing with my parents. This time, mother is being summoned to jury duty by the local courthouse. The only reason why I’m posting this is… she said they “want me” to also do jury duty. But with my mental disability, I have an excuse why I cannot do it.
She tried talking herself out of it, saying she can’t drive or know anyone that could, but they no longer buy it. No more will they allow her to escape jury duty. So she goes
July 18th (a week from now), and I have to take care of the cats (feeding them, letting them out.. even cleaning up the litter box).
So.. the 10th at night is going to be rough. Better hope nothing exciting happens during that night, because I have to go to bed at midnight.
——
*DOUBLE STORY* Big Aftershock is Watching You / Foley’s folly?
Wow wee wow. Forced late news that was supposed to be for tomorrow’s post (so I could finally play some VRChat), but drama waits for no-one. I feel like Kovo right now, dealing with everyone’s drama (so he won’t).
So let’s get to Story #1, as it’s a doozy.
—
Story #1: Big Aftershock is Watching You
Talking to Joker about why he keeps bugging me about how I’m doing (and working on this blog post), Insanely asks a question that I never expected him to ask… having a crush on me and asking to be his boyfriend. Uhh. Well this just came out of the blue! Told him how it could not possibly work out between us (due to the 25-year age gap). But he persisted, and I decided “fine, fine. But this has to stay in private.” And he was extremely happy with the news.. for a half an hour.
Leaving my computer to eat dinner (and taking my phone with me), he suddenly says that he’s sorry but has to not date me anymore (due to having a crush on someone else). Okay whatever. He acts like he just broke my heart, yet I’m fine. ..Little did I know, someone was snooping through our DMs at this time, for I started receiving DMs from Aftershock.
The fuck? I send what he sent me to Insanely, and Aftershock responds as if he’s seeing them.
At first I feel Insanely is sending our DMs to him, but he says he “knows”. It still didn’t hit me that he’s in a screen share, until later on. And I am getting pissed. Aftershock is saying I’m cheating. INSANELY!! FFS!! I TRUSTED YOU!!! Yet Insanely claims he’s trying to “help” me. Breaching the point of a private message and going behind my back, is HELPING?!?! Seriously?!
Go back to Aftershock, defending myself that I don’t love Insanely any more than a
father (and now I’m not even sure of that…). He finally sees and apologizes to
me. Ohh, you’re going to have to a FUCK more than that, pal. I don’t know what the US law says about looking through someones DMs in Discord, but there’s GOT to be something I could SUE your ass over!!! He greatly apologizes for doing so and swears it’ll never happen again, and I decided to calm down somewhat. I tell him “you listen. If I want help, I would ask.” More apologizing, saying he’s now mad at Insanely for cheating on this guy with me.
Told Aftershock how there’s better ways of dealing with this than looking through someone’s private messages without consent, and he agrees. I wonder just how much he read of our conversations. I swear he’s damn lucky I can’t sue his ass for damages.
Done with Aftershock, forgiving him, and deal with Insanely who’s also extremely sorry and hoping he’ll forgive me. What Insanely did, stinged the most.. even though his intentions are pure of only wanting to help me, this isn’t the way to do it.
Though who started this is the question, and I have a suspicion he told Aftershock, and he wanted to see the DMs to make sure Insanely wasn’t getting into trouble (which he
was).
It took me awhile until I got over the whole intrusion thing. Still kind of blown away Insanity actually had those strong feelings for me, but it just goes to show of just having fun and staying friends, the other would eventually propose their love to you (when they feel ready.. instead of myself). Thing is, I never, ever expected him to have such
feelings. We were just going to stay as Father-Son forever, never any further (as that would be weird).
And that’s possibly how I failed with Jero (and why I have no business being in a relationship)… oof. Having serious regrets now.
—
Story #2: Foley’s folly?
I feel emotionally drained, and one time I even felt myself slipping away from reality… all from a manipulative 16-year-old kid. I will continue this post tomorrow, after I get a good night’s sleep. This has been a LONG day…
–
Now that I’m up, let’s get this one started. It began last Monday (July 8th) of taking to RedJoker (yet again), except he asks me how old Foley is. Strange question, but I can only guesstimate he’s definitely above 18 years old. Then he tells me that someone younger than him lewded with him.
..Who told you this, Joker? This is a pretty serious accusation here. He didn’t want to tell me who, until later; Chris. Wait WHAT?! It reminded me of the message that Chris sent me that same day, saying he was ERPing with friends. Joker also sent proof, showing Chris is 16. OOF. I don’t think Chris knows just how serious this is.. or cares. But Joker wanted me to talk to Foley about this, incase Foley may had not known Chris was 16.
But I had more important things to deal with, and this wasn’t brought up until.. well, now when Joker asked if I’ve spoken to Foley yet. Told him that I actually forgotten about it. To me, what Chris said is he’ll never do this again. But Joker felt this should had never happened in the first place. I was all “yes yes, I know” (trying to get him to just drop this). Yet in the back of my mind as I was writing on this very blog post, I felt I’m not being a ‘true friend’ and said to myself “…FINE, I’ll talk to Foley! Just get off my back about
it, Joker!”
Told him, and Foley freaked the fuck out, getting extremely pissed of the accusation. I went back to Joker, saying “Joker…? I got a VERY pissed off Foley on the other line here! Are you absolutely CERTAIN of what you said?! Because he’s saying he didn’t do it!!” But Joker was having connection issues, which was only making Foley even more frustrated.
I went back to Foley, trying very carefully to calm him down (saying I swear I would get to the bottom of this and clear your name). He thanked me, saying I’m a good friend.
Later on, Joker finally recovered from his connection issues and sent the picture proof again. Showed it to Foley, who shifted the blame from Joker to Chris (feeling he is only trying to start shit).
We continued the conversation in a call, as his hands were shaking too much over this news; over all the good he has brought to VRChat.. only for this news to possibly slander his name. I could understand completely of what he’s going through. Finally got ahold of Chris who confirmed he talked to Joker last Monday (yet it wasn’t about the virtual sex thing). Infact he said “I didn’t have sex dammit! I lewded! That’s not sex!” So you’re lying too, I see.. since Foley would NEVER do this!! Told Joker that Chris possibly lied to
him. Yet instead of saying he’s a liar, I kept hammering him over how he’s a minor and what he did is wrong.
This got to a point where he blocked me, saying I was hurting him. And at the time I
felt I had scored a victory for Foley and blocked Chris too, telling Joker to please remind him of how important the law is. Yet he went a different path– the path I should had
went, going after him for lying.
Told Foley my ‘victory’, he said not to poke at him about it. Suddenly reality came rushing in (but not the way it should had).. feeling I just fucked up. So I just caused someone to commit suicide (or is going to ruin my reputation). FUCK!!!! I started blaming Joker for this, saying if he never asked me to do this (and did it himself), I wouldn’t be in deep shit!
…Then Kovo gets involved. Okay, someone have a gun? I’m ready, because I don’t want to face him. Kept putting the blame on Joker for this, feeling like I was turning
into.. Chris; that I lost the ability to care after what I just went through. Foley goes to Kovo about it, and also personally deals with the situation with Chris, telling me this topic is now over.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and die, knowing Foley just ‘cleaned up my mess’. Went hysterical infront of Joker. Joker was trying to contact everyone he can, trying to bring me back to reality. Eventually went to Kovo who seemed to calm down and just wanted to talk to me. I told him the entire story (up to where I fucked up, still thinking Chris is going to ruin my reputation, and not of the fact he lied to Joker to make Foley look bad). Next time Joker… just get Kovo to deal with it! I was dealing with so. much. shit yesterday (with Aftershock and this thing with Cola and his BF).
And Kovo handled it, but I was still mentally unstable. I. wanted. REVENGE for what I just went through. I actually sawed off one of my (virtual) legs and handed it to
him, telling him to kick Chris out with that leg (so I could feel justice). Kovo really wanted to (for me), but he only gave Chris and his friend Silver a warning for causing drama in his Discord.
Meanwhile, I went back to Joker, talking to him a bit. Suddenly.. something snapped in my mind and reality came back, making me ‘me’ again. That something was feeling that I just got manipulated by a 16-year-old kid that can’t do shit to me.. never the fact I yelled at Chris for the wrong fucking reason.
–
As I write the rest of this post, I still don’t understand why I didn’t follow through with the whole “Chris lied to joker” thing, instead of go BACK to the lie, trying to make him look bad?! WHY, past me.. WHY?! WHY.. did I say “Chris lied to you”, yet suddenly believe the lie?! WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?
I kind of want to put that blame on Chris, for not understanding (and/or caring) how serious of an accusation he told Joker. He acted like it’s “no big deal”, that there’s minors everywhere that do it. Yes, and there’s laws that are supposed to protecting kids like you from sexual predators. That’s where my mindset ‘locked’ to the lie, instead of trying to get him to admit he lied (like Joker was doing).
If Chris had admitted to the lie, I’m pretty sure my mindset would had switched back to what it should had been in the first place. But no, he claimed lewding =/= virtual sex.
Kovo gave pictures that Foley also showed, further proving Chris lied. There wasn’t even any ‘lewding’ seen in the pictures. Plus with what Foley said, that he hasn’t seen Chris in months, further proves he lied.
…I want to talk to Chris, and apologize to him for the hurtful things I said. My mind was in fucking limbo at the time, not knowing which side to believe.
EDIT: So much for apologies. Chris is trying to convince Kovo I’m the bad guy, saying he never lied. Okay, I no longer feel bad anymore! 😀 Lying sack of shit that needs to be beaten by his parents on how to act on the internet.

.
I feel great. Compared to what I went through yesterday, I feel great! 😀 Maybe I’m losing my mind again, but maybe not.. for I’m seeing the power of true friendship.
Thank you, Kovo. I can finally get on VRChat now, without feeling someone’s going to stab me in the back and say “Chris sends his regards”.

At least, I hope things are better. For the short term; they seem to be. There are things I’m still upset with my RP son (who I nearly disowned for a few reasons)– one that’s quite petty, and one that’s legitimate.
So, let’s start…
Wanted to mainly deal with this thing with Jedi, and wanted to arrange a moderated conversation between the two (with myself and Kovo moderating). However it started very odd after I told him goodnight. He asked at 7 in the morning “do you love me ??” Uhh.. as your father, yes. But if you’re seriously asking if I like you.. more than that, uh.. you’re 17 which is still below the age of consent, and the age gap is ridiculous. Plus I explained how I’m old enough to literally be his actual father.
Later, he claimed Kovo asked to be his boyfriend. …WHAT THE FUCK?! Uh son, I think Kovo was messing with you!? He’s straight!! Yet Insanely claims Kovo actually did tell him, which is impossible! Then he shared me a screenshot, which finally made me realize what Kovo was doing; he never actually said this.. Insanely got the wrong idea, which broke his heart even more. Fucking hell, Kovo! Asked Kovo if he was just telling him
that, and he said it was a test to see just how fast Insanely is going to someone else. Ahh. Insanely is just like me, it’s not funny.
This really stings, and Kovo knows this. He says “this is why you can help him, where I cannot. You feel his pain.” …I’ll do my best.
–
Insanely wanted to shift the conversation to VRChat for some odd reason, so I joined him. Saw Cola online, which was bugging me I couldn’t join him.. as I had to deal with my son. 😛
Dragged him into my home world, and tried my damnest to get him to understand that he’s not the only one that feels what pain is like. Yet he shook his head no. I then said “you act like you’re the only one that has ever dealt with pain”, and he nodded. And of course this was seriously frustrating me.. but I wasn’t about to give up on him, not yet. Told him when I got back from dinner, I would show him what true heartbreak feels with the five relationships I had this year (by telling him every single one of them).
Dinnertime took longer than it should had, but I got back on.. he didn’t. Seeing Cola on and knowing I can’t join him because of this, frustrated me even more. Time passed and still Insanely kept ignoring my DMs, increasing my already high frustration.
Decided to try to get my mind off of this and try soloing one of these new climbing worlds they had out for about two weeks ago, that can somewhat simulate Playspace Mover with full body tracking. Soon the creator will make this prefab available for the public, where all world creators can use it.
Anyway, I’m beginning my climb in a Friends Only instance, when a random friend shows up and is somewhat concerned why I’m all by myself. Told him I’m “waiting for certain friends to come online”. After failing for the sixth time to reach one of the
Cubeberries, we’re resting on the main platform. He tells me he’s just checking up on friends and goes somewhere else. A few moments after, Kovo shows up. Odd of him showing up this hour (usually it’s later at night). He tells me of something going on in his IRL. After he finishes, I tell him how I’m still waiting for Insanely. He says “he just got on” and insanely joins us. Kovo comes over to him and asks if he’s feeling OK, I cringe and get ready to say “Kovo, this isn’t a good time to ask that” but Insanely nods yes that he is actually feeling better. ..I’m sure not, but I do the best I can by trying to show them how to use the new climbing mechanic.
Kovo goes AFK to deal with a few things, and Insanely stops trying. I go over to him and ask him if he wants to climb, he shakes his head no and then leaves the world.

No longer interested in climbing, I go back to my home world and try to drag his ass here. I am here, let’s talk. He ignores my DMs. Time passes, so I try to bring any of my friends with benefits to join me (Cola and Ron were on). Ron goes offline without warning, and Cola tells me he’s going to bed. I wish him a good night and he blushes, and logs out too. So now, no-one I want to talk to is online. Okay, I am officially pissed now. I could had joined Cola earlier.. but I had to deal with you. And you won’t FUCKING JOIN so we can discuss this like adults!!! ARGH!!!
I’m nearly about to threaten to disown him, then decide to join the world he’s in. I see him talking to someone with the same avatar. Hear the person say “your dad’s here” while I’m about to completely lose my cool infront of him. He pulls me into a private area and then tries to figure out why I’m here. Tell him I’ve been sending him DMs, asking him to join me. He apologizes, saying he’s trying to get to know this guy (and also saying he’s now taking it really slow). My anger.. turns to depression as he heads out the door (knowing no one that is my coping mechanism is online, and also feeling “my son no longer needs
me, clearly. He can take care of himself. …He’s not my son anymore.”). Don’t know where to go, what to do, just wishing someone could kill this pathetic pain I’m now feeling.
They see me, and run over. I respawn and my son also does, saying “dad, what’s wrong? Why are you all alone?” I say nothing and randomly go to any world I can, just to get the fuck out of there. In a way, you could see it as ‘revenge’ for what happened the day
before.
Finally out of there, I decide to join Kovo who’s online again, preparing to tell him the news with Insanely. But Sparky’s also there, who doesn’t understand this pain that no friend can help with. You’d just be wasting your fucking breath on me. But it doesn’t keep him from giving me a big hug, which.. somewhat did help.
Some time passed and Insanely joined. I stood there, cold while he tried to get my attention. Then I looked down and said “you’re not my son anymore. You won’t listen to me. You act like you know what pain is like.” and walked away, and I thought that was it between us. Yet he came over, continued to be noticed. This time, nearly all my frustration and pain released: “I told you, you’re not my son! You have NO IDEA what true pain
feels, and WHY I’m like this!! Try going through FIVE heartbreaks.. THEN you might understand!!!” He looked down as if he felt like a real asshole as I walked away again. Went back to my original spot, sighing my head off and shaking my head. I saw him slowly walking over to me, trying to hug my leg as if he was saying he’s sorry.
I didn’t look at him this time, only pointed down and said “why are you still here?! Just be with your new boyfriend.” But he wouldn’t leave, he wanted to stay. I could see he was really, really sorry for not listening before, and I let out a heavy sigh and said “fine.. if you still want to be my RP son, then you will follow me.” and I went into an area of the world that was pretty quiet. I didn’t really expect him to follow me, and was quite surprised he was. This proved to me he was sorry.
–
I told him nearly every heartbreak I experienced, from Lunar, to somewhat about Jero. He actually wanted to hug me when I started crying when Wuffer broke up with me the first time. As I was explaining Jero, a group of people started running towards us. ..Ohh come ON!! Do you fuckwads know NOTHING about ‘private conversations’!? One of them was his possible boyfriend or whatever, so I was forced to let them go and said I would tell him the rest later.
Stayed away from the mirror while they all talked (and using a strange Shiba avatar). Adam (another friend) then grabbed my attention about something, I pulled him
away, trying to fight back the remaining pain I have. He’s talking about the avatar, how it belongs to a specific kind of person. I tried to think of what he was talking about when he tried to whisper in my ear “you really want your son to be using that?” Soon I thought I had an idea and whispered in his ear “is this person a… porn star?” And he said yes. Little does Adam know I know something my son told me, that he hasn’t even told Kovo.
Insanely walked over, and I asked him to please switch into something else. I then asked him if he could join me in my private world, and he nodded yes.
We went back and I continued my story. Had just explained when Jero and I became a couple, when he told me he was going to go to bed early tonight, and he said “I love you father benie” as he always did. Told him that I would help with that avatar Kovo made for him tomorrow, even making it small, and then uploading it to his account.
Feeling the pain not anywhere as strong as before, I went back to see Kovo in a much, much better mood. Though I also asked Red Fox if he would like to join me and cuddle a bit.

.
He actually did join, and the rest doesn’t really need to be said. Let’s just say I feel a lot better, because Insanely finally understands that he can come to me whenever he’s dealing with another heartbreak. Though he’s still kind of upset about Jedi, I told him that he should move on, and he agreed.
Thank you son. Thank you for understanding. That’s all I wanted. As for Cola, there’s always another time for that.
As for now, I need to help my son and get his ‘bad wolf’ avatar done. Probably do a separate project folder for it, to not screw up BTD.

The title (and the song) pretty much explains what my virtual life in VRChat has been like for the past 72 hours. It’s supposed to be an escape from life, but life always finds its way to ruin it; reminding you of your shortcomings. How I wish I saw a virtual life like
Red Fox, who does his best to push life out the door by doing his best to not let drama follow him.
But when it comes to me, drama tends to follow in my wake. And this drama, seeks to destroy my friends with benefits thing (by using my hurting heart left by Jero). I thought I could easily move on from him and go back to what I was doing, but then the hole in my heart aches and demands to be filled with love that no friend could ever fill.. making me do things I don’t want to do in order to fulfill it– rushing it.
I know I need to calm down and focus on friends, but it feels I’m pushing them away as I feel ‘they just don’t understand’ what I’m going through.
I hate being (and looking) emotional, because it makes my friends worry about me. And the longer I’m like this, the more desperate they’ll get (to the point they’ll offer unhelpful advice). Kovo already has, so has DJ.
*sigh* Well, not as much as ‘unhelpful’ as it is of “I already know this, you’re wasting your breath. Just leave me ALONE.” ..I’m even pushing my son away, where I almost feel like saying “I don’t need your love! Just leave me alone!”
I don’t mean to hurt them, but I know there’s NOTHING they can do that’ll help with this pain, and I just wish they would go away (before I do hurt them). Especially when my only coping mechanism (the ONLY reason I play anymore) is in jeopardy of collapse.
That’s why it’s taking a severe toll on me. So, let’s finally talk about why it is…

A few days ago (a day after Jero ‘broke up’ with me), it was Red Fox that I felt I was almost pleading to be my boyfriend. But I did also tell him that I know that relationships take a very long time and stuff like that. And at a time it seemed he was considering of doing so. I even told him how “it would be an honor to add your name to a quantum armband, and show my love for you and you only”.
But, he felt it was rushed (just like allll the others).. I don’t get it. I love you, you love me. What fucking ELSE do you WANT of me?! I told you my life, and you told me yours!.. I don’t get it! But, it lead up to the thing with Elite: Dangerous (that I have posted in the Games blog).
—
On the other side of the coin, there’s Cola who I like very much (and would like to get to know better). He is insanely sweet, but the only thing holding me back is he has a boyfriend (yet he claims it’s an open relationship). Plus I wonder if he truly likes me (or is only doing it to make me happy). And I bet he wonders the same thing of me (even though I have done my best to show my love for him).
Yesterday, I found him alone in the movie world and stayed with him through that entire movie, cuddling him while he cuddled right back. Others joined as the movie
progressed, then suddenly the movie stopped without warning. While most of us were confused who hit a button to stop the movie, I saw this person being really cuddly to
Cola (who cuddled them); a sub-friend who I haven’t seen in awhile named ‘LunaTheWolfie’.
The two stayed side by side since then, but Luna stepped away from Cola for a bit and I waked up to him and asked “hey, so are you and Cola.. *while I was making a chain motion with my hands to show they’re a couple*” He said “it’s.. complicated”. Interesting. Then he said “but yes, I am”. Maybe it’s a sign that Cola isn’t always cute. Perhaps it’s only a mask of hiding his real life.
He then says “I know you two did the dirty.” Yet he never said “but it’s OK. I’m fine with it”. And since then… I can’t even put it into words with how torn I felt. Only that I had to get the hell out of there and never show my face again (the way I showed it before).
—
So that, on TOP of the thing with Red Fox, is causing major instability with the whole friends with benefits thing (and of my mentality, to where I’m saying I’m “tired of living”).

EDIT: Managed to speak to Cola, and he didn’t tell me much about it. All he did was confirm that Luna is his BF, and I’m not in deep shit for what I did with him. And as for the thing about Luna never saying “it’s OK” and saying to Cola that I felt like I ‘overstepped my boundaries’., he said “the only way you’ll overstep your boundaries is if you ask me to be your boyfriend.”
Okay. Even though I did have really, really strong feelings for you and was almost considering of doing so, that’s why (for my own personal safety), I have to stop seeing you as much. Twice, this ‘friends with benefits’ thing was jeopardized because of him. Once from Kovo, and now this.
But the more I talked to him, I started to see a troubled relationship with him and Luna. Though it seems Luna isn’t at fault; he actually blames himself for “not knowing how relationships work”.. hmm. Where have I heard that before?
I also asked him to tell me the honest truth about… us (if he actually has feelings for me). He said “yeah, but I don’t know if they were real”. Doubts? I wanted to ask, but it would be rude. He also said “but that was a long time ago” ..the heck? I only started seeing you for this a few weeks ago. ..Unless, he had feelings for me even back then (when I first met him the same time Kovo did).
He couldn’t really explain more, only that he was “not sure”. Then he said he would be going to bed early, saying that it’s not my fault but it’s “a lot to take in at once”. I said how this is completely understandable, and hope he feels better. He added saying that if he couldn’t sleep, “we can have a talk” later tonight (if he shows up at all).
Dunno what the talk would be about, though. I’ve said my peace.
–
But now I see that I was the one confused and not Cola. An open is not a poly, and it should had come to me since my time with Cyber.. yet it’s been so long since I ran into anyone else that was in an open relationship (that I really liked).
So, I want to take back my choice, and understand I can go no further than where I am now. Hell.. I even feel better after finding out from this website. And when showing Cola the website, he also understands now.
I’ve been so focused on traditional (closed) relationships, that I have a hard time thinking of the others– wasn’t born around them (to understand enough).
For example, my RP son is in a polyrelationship (with Aftershock). And a poly, you can have more than one BF/GF.

.
Honestly, I don’t know why my heart still aches for a soft voice and a warm embrace, when I specifically said “no more relationships”. But it seems to always find a way to overpower all of my other emotions.
Even Red Fox feels we’re no longer ‘friends’.. we’re much closer than that. He just wants more time until he agrees to anything, and that’s something I’m going to have to accept. But saying it now and it actually happening are two different things.
All I need is to find more close friends willing to have virtual sex with me. The closest one that might be interested is ‘Sealooo’ (as he’s been cuddling me and stuff). Could just be a friend thing, but I’ll consider spending more time with him (as friends) and see if he’s into lewd things.

Other possible titles for this post are;
“Why can’t people be honest with me…?”
“Here comes the pain again…”

I was happy, once. Now I feel like a semi ran over me. And the trailer of that semi had “the truth” written on the side. The truck driver (aka Jero) apologized for running me over. And although the pain isn’t physically, it’s mentally. …And it all started a few days ago. Or, the day after the whole thing with Jero’s dark past. Half-expected him to be busy all day trying to find someone that’ll teach him this Winsock 6 thing.
Kovo (in his Discord) asked everyone if they would like to see the movie ‘Killer Bean’. Asked Jero if he was interested. After getting the time, he seemed he was OK with it.. then went offline an hour before the movie. Only felt something immediately came up and he couldn’t get on to tell me. So I got on, and I found him online in yet another public instance of a world. And again, he acts like he’s avoiding my love (acting like he’s nervous about something). Yet when I ask him if he’s OK, he says “I’m fine Benie!” and rubs the side of my muzzle like he usually does (and I rub his). But since then I started having those doubts if he actually loves me.
Early morning today, those feelings of doubt came up more and more strong. Was in Kovo’s world and they were ‘chilling’ around Cyber’s grave (not knowing why he’s
there). Someone said he committed suicide, but I wanted to back away from that conversation as far as I could (literally).
A few came over, worried about me. Told them I was fine (really wasn’t, as I still remember what happened to Cyber, and why I wish I could personally apologize to him).
–
Walked away from them and stayed in the bar for awhile, half-expecting Jero (or my
son) to come running in and check up on me. That never happened. With now everyone around the mirror again, I respawned and went back to Cyber’s grave, staying there for the longest time (just wanting to be alone with my thoughts).
BlueBio showed up next to me, and also stared at Cyber’s grave. He looked at me and said the grave is making people confused (knowing Cyber isn’t dead). Did my best to explain what happened, which actually brought me to tears (I’m an extremely emotional person if you haven’t figured that out yet). Also talked about the doubts I had with Jero.
Tells me he too had a thing with Cyber, but it fell apart with Blue blaming himself for not talking to him enough.
After that emotional time of hugging Blue while in tears, Kovo shows up. I tell him to stay as we were just finishing our talk.. but we really weren’t as it went back to Cyber
again, with Blue learning things that Cyber never told him (which shocked Kovo).

Now the real shitshow happened after I decided “yeah Blue, let’s go back to the mirror. I feel better now, thanks to you”. We ran over to the mirror, and I’m seeing everyone. See Jero talking to Kovo, and Kovo asks them “so… who’s got a crush on someone?” I stood behind Jero, hoping he would mention my name (to prove he loves me). I could feel myself not able to breath anymore when he said “none”. Then he turns around and says “hey Benie!” and rubbing my nose again. I say “…hey” in a disturbed tone, but Jero thinks I’m doing just fine. Then he turns back around and goes to Kovo, and I slowly walk away and back to the bar, feeling that I just got permanently friend-zoned. Heard Kovo talking to Jero outside about wanting my dick (and how I’m in the bar).
I quickly respawned to get out of there, and said “..I think I’m just going to go to bed. I don’t feel like playing VRChat ever again.” Luckily for me it was five minutes until my actual bedtime.
—
Couldn’t sleep after that, so I decided to message Kovo on my phone while in
bed, saying “well, looks like I got the truth from Jero.” He started blaming himself for
it, and I did the opposite of saying it wasn’t his fault (that he actually “did a good thing”).
Messaged Jero later on, asking him if it’s true of what he said. Then I went to bed. Woke up around 10:30’ish AM and checked my phone, saw a response from Jero that confused the fuck out of me;
yes if I had a chrush on someone
id be cheating
cause im with u
thats why i told him i dont
…Wait. Cheating? What? How can you ‘cheat’ if you claim you’re with me? I also felt like an ass (a confused ass) when he said “cause im with u”. Confused of why he didn’t tell me this sooner that he was actually serious about being in a relationship.
I then explained all of my feelings.. all of my doubts. But using my phone for this was really stupid. I wanted to use my computer, but I still needed to be sleeping right now.
Finally when I was able to, I did it proper (manually deleting every. single. line I typed on my phone was very annoying).
Later this evening, Jero was going to say something but stopped. So I tried to get right to the point about this ‘cheating’ thing. And… he made me look like an idiot (so much that I don’t want to talk about it as it’s that embarrassing). It was like a side of Jero I have never seen.
He wanted to be friends again, and acted like I’m just going to accept this (when my heart feels shattered). No. At this point I almost feel like blocking you. You don’t realize what you just did to me, Jero. And when I told him how much I actually did love him (and wanted to give him all the space he needs), he felt like a total asshole and apologized.
I wanted.. SO MUCH.. for him to reconsider. Let’s work around these problems!!
Please don’t break my heart like this! I LOVED you!!
But he said..
“im sorry….. sorry that i cant even give you my contact number so that we can talk and fall asleep together on the phone at night….. im sorry i cant say how i feeal about u when were online together make u feel so uncomfortable cause every 10 mins i have to check take off my headset and my surroundings for my family trying to catch me and confirm there suspicions that i am gay and just hate me for being that way……my life isn’t so awesome right now i have a house where i live by myself but cause i lost my job i had to move to my mums cause i cant pay the rent………so im back in the closet so to speak i cant even be myself anymore its making me loose touch a little.”
Oh. Wow. So this is the truth truck that turned me into roadkill. You too have a chaotic
life (just like Kovo). I..I didn’t know what to say after I saw this, except.. why didn’t he tell me this sooner? He clearly was scared to do so; scared how I would react to it, saying he’s not good at relationships and hates messing them up.
-_- (my ‘ashamed at myself’ emotion after that)

This is just like Ron, just not as bad (yet the way he’s talking, it’s getting there). But, I’m glad he was honest with me. Ergo.. it’s time to be honest with him. Now that we’re friends again, it’s time for him to know the ‘fun’ I’ve been having with several guys (where I could say that I’ve been… cheating on him). I explained telling him it was the doubts that made me unsure on where I stood, and said that if he was ever 110% serious about being in a relationship with me, I would stop doing that and stay fully committed to him.
And.. he took the news surprisingly well. He didn’t want to kill me, or block me and then tell all of my friends that I cheated on him. Yet I still felt really, really bad for what I did to him (saying I wanted to tell him sooner, but was scared).
–
So anyway, as I said before he wants to remain friends. Gladly, because I’m not doing this ever again. I just can’t see him the same as I did before. But if he manages to get his life back to what he had it (got another job to move back
Fine. But.. I can never be a friend like I was
before (with feelings towards him). I will treat him as a sub-friend (and hopefully have him be erased by my memory). I just don’t want my heart broken again… even if he becomes serious about being in a relationship. He’s going to have to find someone else.
Because, I’m tired of this. I’m done. I’m fucking DONE!! NO. MORE. RELATIONSHIPS!!! And I will look at this to remind myself whenever I feel feelings for someone else (other than sex). FUCK love!! I don’t fucking need it in my life!!

.
I just want to curl up into a ball and cry myself to death.

EDIT: There’s been a few things (but nothing that has to do with Jero). Though I want to open up and say.. I can’t thank you all enough for your kind words and support!! It means a lot to me.
Last night.. I actually cried myself to sleep. I loved him, so much. And even this thing about him not knowing how relationships work, I was willing to teach him how communication is just as important as honesty. But… sadly, his life is too chaotic for a relationship. And like I said before, he (if he was smart), would had told me even without Kovo saying what he said. Though maybe he would had.
So for the other thing, Wuffer of all people boops me in Discord and asks if he could call. The reasoning is Sneaky was with his mother’s, and he had no-one to talk to.
Yeah, nothing like being called by one of your ex-boyfriends after a heartbreak. Told me how him and Sneaky have been together for just over a month. Hooray, now
you (though I’m pretty sure it was unintentional) brag in my face of just how happy you are!
He asked me what I’ve been doing ingame, and is against the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing. But I said “it beats having my heart broken”. He warns me to “just be careful. They don’t know your true age.” Said “but I’ve been asking them their age”. “Some kids in that game will lie and say they’re over 18. You can’t always go by their voice.” Well, that’s why I’ve been making triple sure they’re over 18.” He also tells me “some people might see you as only using their body”. He doesn’t know most of them are good friends of mine. It’s not like I’m going to randomly bang someone I don’t know, dude!
But, he just wants me to be careful. I get that.

EDIT2, 7/4/19: Two days after our final breakup, I feel a bit better. But Kovo has informed me that Jero.. has a crush on him. WOW. Here I actually felt sorry for Jero, and was going to ask him how he’s holding up. But clearly, he’s moved on and has opened up about his crushes. Probably had a crush on Kovo even while I was trying to get him to love me.
That’s not all, folks. Kovo has had a theory since I had a crush on Jero, that he(Jero) has a crush on Frost. And now Jero admitted it to Kovo.
Okay, I’m about ready to block him and get him out of my life. I can’t believe this.. does he have no remorse for what he did to me?!