Other possible titles for this post are;
“Why can’t people be honest with me…?”
“Here comes the pain again…”
I was happy, once. Now I feel like a semi ran over me. And the trailer of that semi had “the truth” written on the side. The truck driver (aka Jero) apologized for running me over. And although the pain isn’t physically, it’s mentally. …And it all started a few days ago. Or, the day after the whole thing with Jero’s dark past. Half-expected him to be busy all day trying to find someone that’ll teach him this Winsock 6 thing.
Kovo (in his Discord) asked everyone if they would like to see the movie ‘Killer Bean’. Asked Jero if he was interested. After getting the time, he seemed he was OK with it.. then went offline an hour before the movie. Only felt something immediately came up and he couldn’t get on to tell me. So I got on, and I found him online in yet another public instance of a world. And again, he acts like he’s avoiding my love (acting like he’s nervous about something). Yet when I ask him if he’s OK, he says “I’m fine Benie!” and rubs the side of my muzzle like he usually does (and I rub his). But since then I started having those doubts if he actually loves me.
Early morning today, those feelings of doubt came up more and more strong. Was in Kovo’s world and they were ‘chilling’ around Cyber’s grave (not knowing why he’s
there). Someone said he committed suicide, but I wanted to back away from that conversation as far as I could (literally).
A few came over, worried about me. Told them I was fine (really wasn’t, as I still remember what happened to Cyber, and why I wish I could personally apologize to him).
–
Walked away from them and stayed in the bar for awhile, half-expecting Jero (or my
son) to come running in and check up on me. That never happened. With now everyone around the mirror again, I respawned and went back to Cyber’s grave, staying there for the longest time (just wanting to be alone with my thoughts).
BlueBio showed up next to me, and also stared at Cyber’s grave. He looked at me and said the grave is making people confused (knowing Cyber isn’t dead). Did my best to explain what happened, which actually brought me to tears (I’m an extremely emotional person if you haven’t figured that out yet). Also talked about the doubts I had with Jero.
Tells me he too had a thing with Cyber, but it fell apart with Blue blaming himself for not talking to him enough.
After that emotional time of hugging Blue while in tears, Kovo shows up. I tell him to stay as we were just finishing our talk.. but we really weren’t as it went back to Cyber
again, with Blue learning things that Cyber never told him (which shocked Kovo).
Now the real shitshow happened after I decided “yeah Blue, let’s go back to the mirror. I feel better now, thanks to you”. We ran over to the mirror, and I’m seeing everyone. See Jero talking to Kovo, and Kovo asks them “so… who’s got a crush on someone?” I stood behind Jero, hoping he would mention my name (to prove he loves me). I could feel myself not able to breath anymore when he said “none”. Then he turns around and says “hey Benie!” and rubbing my nose again. I say “…hey” in a disturbed tone, but Jero thinks I’m doing just fine. Then he turns back around and goes to Kovo, and I slowly walk away and back to the bar, feeling that I just got permanently friend-zoned. Heard Kovo talking to Jero outside about wanting my dick (and how I’m in the bar).
I quickly respawned to get out of there, and said “..I think I’m just going to go to bed. I don’t feel like playing VRChat ever again.” Luckily for me it was five minutes until my actual bedtime.
—
Couldn’t sleep after that, so I decided to message Kovo on my phone while in
bed, saying “well, looks like I got the truth from Jero.” He started blaming himself for
it, and I did the opposite of saying it wasn’t his fault (that he actually “did a good thing”).
Messaged Jero later on, asking him if it’s true of what he said. Then I went to bed. Woke up around 10:30’ish AM and checked my phone, saw a response from Jero that confused the fuck out of me;
yes if I had a chrush on someone
id be cheating
cause im with u
thats why i told him i dont
…Wait. Cheating? What? How can you ‘cheat’ if you claim you’re with me? I also felt like an ass (a confused ass) when he said “cause im with u”. Confused of why he didn’t tell me this sooner that he was actually serious about being in a relationship.
I then explained all of my feelings.. all of my doubts. But using my phone for this was really stupid. I wanted to use my computer, but I still needed to be sleeping right now.
Finally when I was able to, I did it proper (manually deleting every. single. line I typed on my phone was very annoying).
Later this evening, Jero was going to say something but stopped. So I tried to get right to the point about this ‘cheating’ thing. And… he made me look like an idiot (so much that I don’t want to talk about it as it’s that embarrassing). It was like a side of Jero I have never seen.
He wanted to be friends again, and acted like I’m just going to accept this (when my heart feels shattered). No. At this point I almost feel like blocking you. You don’t realize what you just did to me, Jero. And when I told him how much I actually did love him (and wanted to give him all the space he needs), he felt like a total asshole and apologized.
I wanted.. SO MUCH.. for him to reconsider. Let’s work around these problems!!
Please don’t break my heart like this! I LOVED you!!
But he said..
“im sorry….. sorry that i cant even give you my contact number so that we can talk and fall asleep together on the phone at night….. im sorry i cant say how i feeal about u when were online together make u feel so uncomfortable cause every 10 mins i have to check take off my headset and my surroundings for my family trying to catch me and confirm there suspicions that i am gay and just hate me for being that way……my life isn’t so awesome right now i have a house where i live by myself but cause i lost my job i had to move to my mums cause i cant pay the rent………so im back in the closet so to speak i cant even be myself anymore its making me loose touch a little.”
Oh. Wow. So this is the truth truck that turned me into roadkill. You too have a chaotic
life (just like Kovo). I..I didn’t know what to say after I saw this, except.. why didn’t he tell me this sooner? He clearly was scared to do so; scared how I would react to it, saying he’s not good at relationships and hates messing them up.
-_- (my ‘ashamed at myself’ emotion after that)
This is just like Ron, just not as bad (yet the way he’s talking, it’s getting there). But, I’m glad he was honest with me. Ergo.. it’s time to be honest with him. Now that we’re friends again, it’s time for him to know the ‘fun’ I’ve been having with several guys (where I could say that I’ve been… cheating on him). I explained telling him it was the doubts that made me unsure on where I stood, and said that if he was ever 110% serious about being in a relationship with me, I would stop doing that and stay fully committed to him.
And.. he took the news surprisingly well. He didn’t want to kill me, or block me and then tell all of my friends that I cheated on him. Yet I still felt really, really bad for what I did to him (saying I wanted to tell him sooner, but was scared).
–
So anyway, as I said before he wants to remain friends. Gladly, because I’m not doing this ever again. I just can’t see him the same as I did before. But if he manages to get his life back to what he had it (got another job to move back
Fine. But.. I can never be a friend like I was
before (with feelings towards him). I will treat him as a sub-friend (and hopefully have him be erased by my memory). I just don’t want my heart broken again… even if he becomes serious about being in a relationship. He’s going to have to find someone else.
Because, I’m tired of this. I’m done. I’m fucking DONE!! NO. MORE. RELATIONSHIPS!!! And I will look at this to remind myself whenever I feel feelings for someone else (other than sex). FUCK love!! I don’t fucking need it in my life!!
.
I just want to curl up into a ball and cry myself to death.
EDIT: There’s been a few things (but nothing that has to do with Jero). Though I want to open up and say.. I can’t thank you all enough for your kind words and support!! It means a lot to me.
Last night.. I actually cried myself to sleep. I loved him, so much. And even this thing about him not knowing how relationships work, I was willing to teach him how communication is just as important as honesty. But… sadly, his life is too chaotic for a relationship. And like I said before, he (if he was smart), would had told me even without Kovo saying what he said. Though maybe he would had.
So for the other thing, Wuffer of all people boops me in Discord and asks if he could call. The reasoning is Sneaky was with his mother’s, and he had no-one to talk to.
Yeah, nothing like being called by one of your ex-boyfriends after a heartbreak. Told me how him and Sneaky have been together for just over a month. Hooray, now
you (though I’m pretty sure it was unintentional) brag in my face of just how happy you are!
He asked me what I’ve been doing ingame, and is against the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing. But I said “it beats having my heart broken”. He warns me to “just be careful. They don’t know your true age.” Said “but I’ve been asking them their age”. “Some kids in that game will lie and say they’re over 18. You can’t always go by their voice.” Well, that’s why I’ve been making triple sure they’re over 18.” He also tells me “some people might see you as only using their body”. He doesn’t know most of them are good friends of mine. It’s not like I’m going to randomly bang someone I don’t know, dude!
But, he just wants me to be careful. I get that.
EDIT2, 7/4/19: Two days after our final breakup, I feel a bit better. But Kovo has informed me that Jero.. has a crush on him. WOW. Here I actually felt sorry for Jero, and was going to ask him how he’s holding up. But clearly, he’s moved on and has opened up about his crushes. Probably had a crush on Kovo even while I was trying to get him to love me.
That’s not all, folks. Kovo has had a theory since I had a crush on Jero, that he(Jero) has a crush on Frost. And now Jero admitted it to Kovo.
Okay, I’m about ready to block him and get him out of my life. I can’t believe this.. does he have no remorse for what he did to me?!