The title (and the song) pretty much explains what my virtual life in VRChat has been like for the past 72 hours. It’s supposed to be an escape from life, but life always finds its way to ruin it; reminding you of your shortcomings. How I wish I saw a virtual life like
Red Fox, who does his best to push life out the door by doing his best to not let drama follow him.
But when it comes to me, drama tends to follow in my wake. And this drama, seeks to destroy my friends with benefits thing (by using my hurting heart left by Jero). I thought I could easily move on from him and go back to what I was doing, but then the hole in my heart aches and demands to be filled with love that no friend could ever fill.. making me do things I don’t want to do in order to fulfill it– rushing it.
I know I need to calm down and focus on friends, but it feels I’m pushing them away as I feel ‘they just don’t understand’ what I’m going through.
I hate being (and looking) emotional, because it makes my friends worry about me. And the longer I’m like this, the more desperate they’ll get (to the point they’ll offer unhelpful advice). Kovo already has, so has DJ.
*sigh* Well, not as much as ‘unhelpful’ as it is of “I already know this, you’re wasting your breath. Just leave me ALONE.” ..I’m even pushing my son away, where I almost feel like saying “I don’t need your love! Just leave me alone!”
I don’t mean to hurt them, but I know there’s NOTHING they can do that’ll help with this pain, and I just wish they would go away (before I do hurt them). Especially when my only coping mechanism (the ONLY reason I play anymore) is in jeopardy of collapse.
That’s why it’s taking a severe toll on me. So, let’s finally talk about why it is…
A few days ago (a day after Jero ‘broke up’ with me), it was Red Fox that I felt I was almost pleading to be my boyfriend. But I did also tell him that I know that relationships take a very long time and stuff like that. And at a time it seemed he was considering of doing so. I even told him how “it would be an honor to add your name to a quantum armband, and show my love for you and you only”.
But, he felt it was rushed (just like allll the others).. I don’t get it. I love you, you love me. What fucking ELSE do you WANT of me?! I told you my life, and you told me yours!.. I don’t get it! But, it lead up to the thing with Elite: Dangerous (that I have posted in the Games blog).
—
On the other side of the coin, there’s Cola who I like very much (and would like to get to know better). He is insanely sweet, but the only thing holding me back is he has a boyfriend (yet he claims it’s an open relationship). Plus I wonder if he truly likes me (or is only doing it to make me happy). And I bet he wonders the same thing of me (even though I have done my best to show my love for him).
Yesterday, I found him alone in the movie world and stayed with him through that entire movie, cuddling him while he cuddled right back. Others joined as the movie
progressed, then suddenly the movie stopped without warning. While most of us were confused who hit a button to stop the movie, I saw this person being really cuddly to
Cola (who cuddled them); a sub-friend who I haven’t seen in awhile named ‘LunaTheWolfie’.
The two stayed side by side since then, but Luna stepped away from Cola for a bit and I waked up to him and asked “hey, so are you and Cola.. *while I was making a chain motion with my hands to show they’re a couple*” He said “it’s.. complicated”. Interesting. Then he said “but yes, I am”. Maybe it’s a sign that Cola isn’t always cute. Perhaps it’s only a mask of hiding his real life.
He then says “I know you two did the dirty.” Yet he never said “but it’s OK. I’m fine with it”. And since then… I can’t even put it into words with how torn I felt. Only that I had to get the hell out of there and never show my face again (the way I showed it before).
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So that, on TOP of the thing with Red Fox, is causing major instability with the whole friends with benefits thing (and of my mentality, to where I’m saying I’m “tired of living”).
EDIT: Managed to speak to Cola, and he didn’t tell me much about it. All he did was confirm that Luna is his BF, and I’m not in deep shit for what I did with him. And as for the thing about Luna never saying “it’s OK” and saying to Cola that I felt like I ‘overstepped my boundaries’., he said “the only way you’ll overstep your boundaries is if you ask me to be your boyfriend.”
Okay. Even though I did have really, really strong feelings for you and was almost considering of doing so, that’s why (for my own personal safety), I have to stop seeing you as much. Twice, this ‘friends with benefits’ thing was jeopardized because of him. Once from Kovo, and now this.
But the more I talked to him, I started to see a troubled relationship with him and Luna. Though it seems Luna isn’t at fault; he actually blames himself for “not knowing how relationships work”.. hmm. Where have I heard that before?
I also asked him to tell me the honest truth about… us (if he actually has feelings for me). He said “yeah, but I don’t know if they were real”. Doubts? I wanted to ask, but it would be rude. He also said “but that was a long time ago” ..the heck? I only started seeing you for this a few weeks ago. ..Unless, he had feelings for me even back then (when I first met him the same time Kovo did).
He couldn’t really explain more, only that he was “not sure”. Then he said he would be going to bed early, saying that it’s not my fault but it’s “a lot to take in at once”. I said how this is completely understandable, and hope he feels better. He added saying that if he couldn’t sleep, “we can have a talk” later tonight (if he shows up at all).
Dunno what the talk would be about, though. I’ve said my peace.
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But now I see that I was the one confused and not Cola. An open is not a poly, and it should had come to me since my time with Cyber.. yet it’s been so long since I ran into anyone else that was in an open relationship (that I really liked).
So, I want to take back my choice, and understand I can go no further than where I am now. Hell.. I even feel better after finding out from this website. And when showing Cola the website, he also understands now.
I’ve been so focused on traditional (closed) relationships, that I have a hard time thinking of the others– wasn’t born around them (to understand enough).
For example, my RP son is in a polyrelationship (with Aftershock). And a poly, you can have more than one BF/GF.
.
Honestly, I don’t know why my heart still aches for a soft voice and a warm embrace, when I specifically said “no more relationships”. But it seems to always find a way to overpower all of my other emotions.
Even Red Fox feels we’re no longer ‘friends’.. we’re much closer than that. He just wants more time until he agrees to anything, and that’s something I’m going to have to accept. But saying it now and it actually happening are two different things.
All I need is to find more close friends willing to have virtual sex with me. The closest one that might be interested is ‘Sealooo’ (as he’s been cuddling me and stuff). Could just be a friend thing, but I’ll consider spending more time with him (as friends) and see if he’s into lewd things.