Am I actually bi, or gay? / Why even Jusper admits drawbacks

Lots to discuss, even something that I’ll soon be linking here from the Games blog. I wanted to make up for not being on that long the day before. A thought that has crossed my mind for awhile, nearly got lucky with someone else (and I do mean ‘nearly’), and finally speaking to Jusper about the whole thing (and himself admitting having friends with benefits has drawbacks).. including what caused the ‘nearly’ to happen.
Something else came that night as well, but I will leave it as a surprise (and I don’t know if this is going to fall like the others.. probably will, but I hope it won’t).
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Am I actually bi, or gay? (Am I lying to myself by only being bi?)
A random thought that has crossed my mind since what Blueberry told me. He’s not the only one that said this to me. When around other guys, my friends think I’m gay (in a good way). So, I want to set the record curvy (because ‘straight’ would be a play on words with this subject).
If there were more girls of legal age playing VRChat (and as easy-going as guys are), then I would had remained straight. But since there’s not, I’ve become bi. And I don’t even declare myself as gay (as I still would really like to bang an actual girl in this game). If a girl found me attractive enough to become my boyfriend, that would be the best thing ever. But I just don’t see that happening.
This is why I’m not just declaring myself as gay… I feel it’s a major level of discomfort to call myself that. It took a few weeks just to get comfortable with being bi. Going gay, would take a lot longer. I don’t feel ‘gay’, I feel ‘bi’ (as being in a comfortable middle where I can choose).
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“I’m up all night to (almost) get lucky!”
Part 1 of 2: Note this subject will play into the next one. And since a lot had happened, I wanted to split it up.
First, a talk about a guy I’ve seen for awhile now; one of Kovo’s friends (named ‘cola’). He rarely uses his mic for some strange reason, but has made some really awesome avatars. Infact, nearly any avatar (even public), he can look extremely cute in it (and even, at
times, likes to show you just how cute he can be with them.. if you get what I mean).
In Kovo’s world, I caught him away from the group. Went over and gave him a head pat to see if there’s something wrong with him. He however, started acting sexy infront of
me (rubbing my nose, looking at me deeply, and licking me). ..Woah. Heheh. Definitely felt something.
Yesterday, I wanted some more of that. And he delivered (and even more than
that.. licking my fingers). Whew. Okay, you’re turning me on. But to make sure of what I was dealing with, I pulled him away from the others and asked him in private if he’s 18 or above. He nodded his head yes.
Okay, we’re gonna have some fun. ..That is, if you want to. He nodded his head again, and I decided to go to Foxes Den 2 (though IMO this messed up my chances with him). Setting up the chair isn’t really possible for someone in VR (to look right).. especially someone in full body.
So I got an idea, of him maybe laying on his back IRL. It seemed like he was interested to do so. Then when he did, he suddenly left the world. Thinking he crashed (or if he needed to set his trackers to do it right), I waited 10 minutes for him to come back. And, you don’t realize how (literally) uncomfortable that was for me. I.. actually had a boner IRL from him licking me and stuff. :/ OOF 100.
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He never showed up though. Began to feel this was my fault (even though I had asked him if he was seriously interested). Though I should had picked a better world for that (a world for VR users). Since then I didn’t really feel like doing anything, or seeing anyone. It really depressed me. I tried my best to not let it get to me, but as time went on.. I began to become distant from friends and running around aimlessly in worlds, not knowing what to do. I know what I wanted, but no-one was on that could seriously make me feel better. On top of that, Breezy wanted my attention for something going on in his virtual life.
And what he wanted was to make sure hugging a minor (and nothing else) is OK. Told him yes. Also told him about my issue (because he asked, and I bet he regrets asking as for saying he doesn’t know how to help me).
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Why even Jusper admits drawbacks (And how he deals with them)
Seeing everyone in Stormy Cave adventure world, I was still in my sour mood when Jusper pops up (and is all alone). *takes a very deep breath* In a way this is kind of his fault for giving me the idea, but I blame my mind more. So I have to tell him in a way where I won’t feel like stabbing myself to make myself tell him (aka to let go of my shame). Finally I worked up the courage to tell him how I feel about this whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing, and how I don’t feel fully happy about it.
People start seeing us, and Jusper leads me away from everyone (using his modified client to see people coming through the walls). We get into a ditch and continue talking, him asking me if it’s the fact I don’t feel committed to a single person. Yet this wasn’t what was really eating at me (it was more about Cola leaving, working me up and then leaving. I know I should feel “that’s fine, there’s others”. But the way he was acting around me, was just.. wow. It’s a feeling that isn’t going to go away).
But first, he told me that he too feels sometimes saddened by it, but he preoccupies his mind with games outside of VRChat (and suggests that I do the same, even saying to play games I’ve played many years ago). Says he’s been semi-helping with a Gmod DarkRP gamemode, and when it’s done, he’ll be one of the admins of it (and said for me to “find people like that”)– to play non-VR games with friends.
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Sadly Jusper, that isn’t going to happen for me. You wanna know why? Shyness. Maybe he too is shy, but he seems to overpower it pretty easily. Except my shyness tends to overpower me. It depends on how I feel. But if you put me in another multiplayer game I’m not used to, I will become super shy.
The good thing about VRChat, isn’t the fact I have multiple friends, but it’s a game I can play without needing people online to do a specific task.
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Right, enough of that. Back at spawn with Jusper (with a friend of his, but I’m starting to feel a bit more confident to speak to both of them), I tell Jusper about cola. He actually gets shocked and surprised as I continued my story (of how I nearly banged cola).
Tells me “cola would not be doing that, this is unlike him”. Well, he did, and I know Jusper is aware I don’t lie. “Did he have his mic on or not?” Jusper asks, “he had it off” I said to his question. “Then he was nervous. Probably wasn’t thinking straight” and adding “you are lucky you managed to get him to go that far”.
“But if he was nervous, why didn’t he show it? He could had expressed so. I asked him several times and he acted like he was interested” I responded with. “As I said, he probably wasn’t thinking straight.”
And this made me feel a bit better about myself, now feeling it wasn’t my fault for being the way I am. I still felt lonely though (that none of my regular friends can help with), but at least some of the depression lifted from my chest.
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‘The Surprise’
Finally we have gone to the final part of the post. Now I originally wanted to add a spoiler to this (to keep the surprise), but sadly the spoiler script is mysteriously malfunctioning. I’ll have to look into it later. So, I guess I might as well reveal it.
But before I do, I’ll talk about what lead up to it. After Jusper helped me feel better, my son showed up at the perfect time (as he said he’ll join the others who were in Kovo’s world).
Joined them, and I also saw Red Fox on. My heart swelled and I tried to bring him
here, and he joined (yay, cuddle time!!), and I felt so much better (and felt like my mind was my own again).. as he did one simple thing; he licked me (for the longest time). It was so sweet.
Later on, after doing a horror map (and failing at it) and it was quite early for me (was around 4:45am, 15 minutes ’till bedtime), asked my son if he wanted to go see a
few (quick) movies and sent an invite to Red Fox (he joined). While talking to Red, my son said he was going to rename himself to ‘InsanelyFluffy’. But he was having issues rejoining the instance. While that was going on, I was offering Red a chance to finally have someone that really cares for him (aka me to be in an online relationship with him). One time he said he didn’t know if he could as he didn’t have VR.
Remembering what I wrote down of the ‘Jero VS Ron’ thing, I told him that he doesn’t need VR to show and to feel love. For love doesn’t come from a device on your face, it comes from your heart. And he thought that was extremely sweet of me to say that… if only Jero felt this kind of love. Meh.
Shortly before 5am (and with a new instance for my son to finally join. I was accepting every invite he sent me, but the game was being a derp), he had to go and I kissed him goodnight.
I also told Red I too gotta go, and he called me “sweetie”. 🙂 Awww! Looks like I found a second father for Insanity (or should I say ‘Insanely’). But, the whole thing can easily fall apart with Red deciding that it’s best we ‘just remained friends’. And it’s going to break my heart (again).