(This music feels fitting for a rainy, stormy weekend of my mood)
I felt this needed to be its own post, as it’s going to be another “oh woe is me, feel sorry for me!!” subject. *sigh*
If you can’t tell by the title, things sadly didn’t go as planned for myself and Jero. Blueberry was right in his assumptions, that Jero was indeed ‘uncomfortable and worried’. I hoped he would be wrong, and this was just the way Jero normally acts around others. But Blue wasn’t. Infact, Jero didn’t feel he needed to talk about it ingame (as he told me in the DM). And I’m glad he decided to tell me like this, as this means I probably will not be playing VRChat for a week (or more).
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He feels he rushed the relationship when he said Yes to me. Said he was in one two months ago and is still trying to get over it (in a VRChat-like game called ‘Altspace VR’). That’s actually about the same time when Wuffer and I were dating.
Also, this feels like ‘trust issues’. Probably thought I was going to leave him, which if this is true, I can understand. But I was too pissed off at myself to ask him this. Here I was worried Ron was going to do something he’ll regret… yet I’m feeling that when Jero let me go. I let Ron go, feeling Jero was the one… only to have NOTHING because of him having trust issues!!! Now I have NO-ONE that’ll love me like Wuffer did!!
I told Blueberry the sad news, who told me to talk to Aftershock (claiming he could help me out). Pfft. Noone can help me. I thought Frost could help me, but he turned his back instead of teaching me how to do a relationship the right way!
Aftershock DM’d me, asking me to talk to him. Fine, but you’re just going to waste your breath (just like everybody else who thought they could help me). You can’t help a stubborn mind (just like Trump supporters, climate change deniers, flat Earthers, and anti-vax parents)!!
But.. he somehow managed, telling me just where I have been fucking up my
chances (that are beyond ‘rushing it’). It’s because I like the title. I like displaying it, to show I’ve achieved something in life.
To say “I have a boyfriend” brings me so much joy, as I no longer feel alone (when it feels like all of my friends are ‘better than me’). It almost feels like a ‘bet’ of sorts, which is obviously a problem, as not everyone that I ‘pull in’ in hopes they would love me and stuff is going to see it this way. I guess I feel like a real life Johnny Bravo, who always fucks up their chances of getting into a relationship (and doesn’t see it the right way). But the only thing that keeps me away from admitting I’m like him, is I don’t see my body as ‘babe material’. I keep hoping my personality will win someone’s heart (again, the whole ‘bet’ thing).
So, knowing this, why can’t I force needing to feel love OUT of my fucking mind then (as I obviously have no business thinking of being in a relationship)?! It’s like my mind and my personality are two separate entities (which is why I keep arguing with myself, and always feeling split on almost everything in life).
But anyway, today I decided to tell Jero what I feel about all of this (just to see his reaction, and if I was right about this being trust issues).
EDIT: Decided to come back to VRChat (since for the third day straight we’re not going to play SE due to not everyone being ready and/or interested) and decided to watch
videos.. alone (in a friends only world, incase Jero or someone else wanted to come in and talk). Watched Tomb Raider. From what I saw, this is likely the prequel to the start of the first Tomb Raider game on the PS1 (while on the other side, can also show the more modern Tomb Raider from 2014).
Halfway through the video, noticed it’s getting unusually late for Jero to respond to my DMs. Saw him online in The Box and was going to send him an invite, but I wanted him to respond to my DM first. He eventually did by saying he was sorry for what happened.
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Seems I was right about him having trust issues (even though he never really said I
was). But he went into more detail of the why he has trust issues (even though I feel that’s not the only reason why he had to let me go). Like Ron, his parents don’t know he’s bisexual. Hell, my own parents don’t know (not that they need to anyway). And I bet Jero feels the same.
So the reason behind the trust issues is when he met this guy on the other VRChat-like game, he enjoyed it at first but said the person was making him “feel small infront of his friends and it got toxic.” And after breaking up with him, they got into an argument and turned all of Jero’s friends against him.. sounds like what happened with Frost.
He doesn’t know why he keeps thinking of him (even though the person was very abusive to him). Hmmm.
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Finally he says “I’ll always be your friend and I’ll always be there for you. I promise.”
MMmmmmm… it still hurts when I thought you were the one. But, I do appreciate you wanting to be there for me. And maybe.. I might still have a chance. I just need to do what Aftershock said and “forget the title”; only focus on being a good friend (no matter how long it takes).
That’s where I’ve been fucking up. My heart’s in the right place, but my mind isn’t. And it frustrates me so.. so much that I’m forced to wait. And apparently I’m not alone– WildBoy claims he feels the same way (that he’s in the same boat as me).
He still didn’t come to see me after he wrote that, which bugged me for a bit (plus I was still upset). But I said to myself after reading the whole “I’ll always be there for you”
part: “alright Jero, it’s time to prove it” and requested him to join. Continued to watch the movie. 15 minutes pass and still no Jero. 10 minutes after that, I hear something to my left and see him and Frost, who shocked and surprised of what I’m doing of watching videos by myself. Never told him that Jero and I broke up.
For the remainder of the night (since Kovo never came online), we watched videos together. Other friends joined us and left. But I can see Jero still cares (a lot) for
me, staying with me throughout that night (where no one else would as they got bored). I can see he truly is sorry to let me go (but is keeping his promise).
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Thank you, Jero. This means a lot to me. For the first time, I no longer feel alone (with him around me). I will do the same and be there for you as well. I just hope by doing so (by not rushing anything), it could convince him that I will not be like the other that wronged
him, that he can trust me to always be by his side.
I’m actually learning a lot from this experience. I’ve just been so worried that they’ll leave me for another, and I need to act fast. Now I’m starting to realize, I don’t need to. As long as I remain loyal to him, I feel this can’t go wrong (though there’s always that possibility the other just might not really be that interested in me).
That’s.. sadly how love works. You give it all– you open your heart to them, and they either accept or reject you.
I’m not 100% sure how this is going to work out. I can feel a 50/50 chance of either winning his heart or being friend-zoned forever.
I now see why Jusper feels commitment isn’t for him. Infact, I already know his secret without even asking him. The answer was right under my nose, and Aftershock revealed it to me. I just hope I don’t have to enact on it.