Benie's General Blog

I am single once again. But I hope Jero’s words stick with me of the next time I have the urge for someone else to be my BF (or GF).
And this time I don’t feel like I “have no purpose to be on VRChat anymore”. Friendship, is that purpose. And it should always be that purpose. Jero has proven that to me. I have all the love and caring I want, from friendship. I’ve been ‘lonely’ for all the wrong reasons.
I believe, this is an eye opener.
So nothing’s going to change with me. Infact I’m going to try to see my other friends more often, like Blender does.
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So much for that
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Came on immediately to be with Jero (aka my son. Lordy be it’s going to take awhile to get used to this. lol). ..And he’s on orange status (again). Dag nabit!! Sent a few invites. Nothing.
Then I sent him a message in an invite. And a few seconds after sending that message, he hops off. Thinking he just crashed, I waited, and waited… and waited. 20 minutes
in, he’s still offline. Something’s going on. DM him in Discord. He’s not responding to DMs yet it shows he’s online. 23 minutes later (though it felt like an hour), he says “hi dad everything’s ok” and saying his headset was giving him a headache.
He also says about needing to get a “vice cover”, “those face sponges are cursed. It’s given me so many spots, even after I sanitized it”.
‘So many spots’? Sounds like he has an allergic reaction to that face pad. Fuckin’ hell. Yeah he needs to get a new face cover ASAP. If he wants I’ll even send him the money to do
it, but I have a feeling he’ll say “no dad I’m good. I got this”.
–
So, what now? Blender had come on 10 seconds after Jero went off. Sent him a single message with a sentence, and was able to join a few seconds later.
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‘Stakeout’ gone *click*
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Joined Summer Solitude. They really did a lot of work to this world the last time I saw it. New rooms and redoing old rooms.
Anyway, I was feeling annoyed of having to ask for an invite. Spoke no word and looked around, not seeing Blender anywhere. Finally finding him in the lower floor, hanging with friends while watching a video. Instead of going up to him and saying hi, I pulled out my camera and set the lens to World (in order to anchor where I place it). Put it halfway in a wall and walked away. I was able to see a lot, but nothing lewd (thankfully). I also
noticed Blender was in desktop. So he didn’t bring his VR setup to his grandmother’s house.
After awhile I had put the camera down but never let go of it… little did I know I was accidentally taking pictures. Wasn’t until a few seconds later when I looked at the camera again and I saw…. they moved. OSHI– I’ve been compromised! ABORT!! ABORT!!
Looking back at my screenshot library, I did this three times (which I have deleted
since). FUCK.
Why did I do it? I dunno. I was not in the right mind. I also couldn’t explain myself
to Blender when he found me.
Could this possibly get me in trouble with the VRChat admins (through his friends reporting me)?… I hope not. Maybe I’ll be let off on a warning not to do it again. But if I get nothing from them, I’m warning myself as that was wrong to do. :/
It definitely will not happen again. Honestly, what I did shouldn’t even be allowed. They should had set a limit for the camera to not work, to prevent that from happening. Because what I did was a lot more ‘tame’ compared to what some sick fuck could be doing. Oh god. ..Oh dear god, reminds me of that TJ said. What if the creator is– okay, I don’t want to think that. Fuck that’s sick.
Let’s move on please! I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
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“I don’t want to hurt you, Blender.”
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Okay, well. At least one thing that did happen ‘slightly in my favor’ was being able to talk to Blender alone. I was still very ashamed of myself of the.. way I had to get his attention. But rest assured, it won’t happen again. Though I also didn’t know how to start this conversation. The thought of “remember he has lots of friends” kept going through my mind. God damnit, me. …*sighs* Why am I like this…?!
Okay, okay. Relax. You got this. Remember what Jero told you and use it for Blender. You’re hurting him with this. That’s a no-no. And he’s hurting you by ‘somewhat forgetting’ you exist. This has to end on a peaceful note.
–
So I started with the conversation about how “things haven’t really changed since the last time we dated”. He questioned me, and I said “for example, when I had my naughty ready and came on, and wanted you to be the first one to try it out, you said ‘Oh, I’m at my grandmother’s house’.. like I was just supposed to know this.
His response was his usual “sorry, E…” I said “see what’s going on? You’re hurting me and I’m hurting you. I can’t do that to you.” Halfway in the conversation, Orion decides to join us. “Ohh no… it’s Orion. This conversation’s going to have to wait”.
A few seconds later, he shows up and says “am I interrupting something? I can go if you want.” “Huh? No no, you’re fine Orion. Everything’s good here” I said to protect my ass.
“Well it’s just I heard “oh no, it’s Orion””… how in the fuck did you hear me all the way from spawn!? I wanted to ask that but obviously kept it to myself. Either I wasn’t as quiet as I thought I was, or the volume falloff is a lot further than normal. But I kept insisting him that everything’s alright.
“Well I just came to check up on you, Benie” he said. Really. That’s a surprise. Usually you’re only here for Blender. Not this time though. He was actually worried about me. I’m quite surprised he actually cares.. or so I thought.
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Orion slightly annoyed at me for enjoying being a soloer
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His actual purpose of being here was in an attempt to draft me and Blender to join him and Shaw into playing Sea of Thieves this weekend. …Ohh no. He doesn’t know I stopped playing because of what the devs said to me. Now Mibit also joined us, and his way of trying to counter my desire for a challenge when it comes to soloing a Tall Tale was
to “play Maple Story”. This was starting to annoy Orion of Mibit trying to change the topic to this game he likes.
I eventually explained the entire situation of why I stopped playing Sea of Thieves. Though Mibit actually supported my decision.. Orion did not. He kept saying that I should’ve asked himself and Shaw and “we’ll be glad to help you”. I said “look I appreciate the offer but..” ..he wanted none of this silly soloing BS coming out of my mouth, trying to convince me the game is more than achieving your goal, it’s about the journey. Well fuck the journey when there’s going to be assholes who don’t take kindly to people just trying to enjoy the damn game on their own time (and their own way). 😒
Though he also told me that some of those Tall Tales are time based, that require a crew to complete. “The wiki never mentioned anything about a ‘time limit’ of that tall tale. The only time limit was my patience waiting for a response of their support team to see if it was on my end or not (and if it was worth trying again)” I said. But he wasn’t willing to let it go. He actually started to get annoyed at me for refusing help (of myself saying “I don’t like depending on others”).
Knowing he wasn’t going to convince me in the slightest, I believe he faked saying someone’s inviting him and left (or he actually did have someone invite him. I dunno). He’s so full of community-ness, he will refuse to understand me. It’s like all true SoT players are the same as him.
Well I’m not them… for WoW convinced me I can never depend on others. For the way I depend, I want too much. Aka I’m the one that says “FUCK waiting for support, I’m going in alone!!” ..He doesn’t understand why I’m 70% introvert, which also means I don’t get along well with other people. I was this close from saying that to him but stopped
myself.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Mibit left sometime afterwards. Couldn’t quite understand his reasoning as his mic was cutting up. So I went back to the original plan of why I came here to see Blender. And what he told me, proved to me he wasn’t happy with this relationship. It was all from when I asked to get back together, and he never told me he was busy and couldn’t hold down a relationship the way I wanted it.
“I just feel, we’re better off being friends. That way, we won’t hurt eachother” I said. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m sure you don’t want to hurt me.” His response was “wow I wish I thought of that. Why didn’t I think of that?” I smiled and said “I wish I knew this too, years ago.” Started explaining all of my previous relationships, that I wish I had that knowledge Jero told me, years ago. I could’ve stopped that ’empty hole in my heart that yearns to be filled’ by just thinking of how they feel about the relationship. It would’ve saved me a lot of heartache, by talking it out like this… especially for someone like Wuffer back in the day.
I just wonder, who gave him this advice? Or did it come to him naturally? …But that shouldn’t be important for me to know. What should, is the lesson.
Thank you, Jero.
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Seeing old friends again / Beat Saber done right in VRChat
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Blender went to go see other friends, and so did I. I could’ve left and said I “have no purpose being on anymore”.. how wrong I was back then. Being with friends, IS a purpose. Infact I had contemplated on trying to get to know Orwin more; to stop being so terrified of him. If Blender can get over his fear of meeting new people, surely I could as well.
I started with visiting my 45th birthday torturer; Inari. I also bumped into another friend who survived my friend purge; Rydenwolf. They were watching old cartoons from the 50’s that were colorized.
I was just glad to be there with them. Later, I joined Toucan.
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He was in a Beat Saber world, and this one has a fail state. It’s not like the tech demos of the past. Though I never took a turn playing. I just watched. Better off then them watching me fail epicly.
When Toucan went to bed, I did my own instance of the world to check it out better. Picked a few songs from Undertale and Deltarune. Sucked hard (got a ‘D’ ranking), but I still had fun. From this I noticed a few things;
-It’s hard to pick a song.
-I like how it shows the difficulty levels of the song in the list.
-You can set the options on the right to lock the sabers in your hand during play. So no more accidentally losing your grip makes the saber leave your hand.
-You can also lock your feet to the floor.
This has potential of being the next best thing of actually playing Beat Saber. Definitely wore me out, but I needed it. Gotta burn that fat.
–
With me worn out, I wanted to get off to work on this blog post. But I ended up almost falling asleep a quarter into writing it, and went to bed early.
I’ll likely be on tomorrow evening. This time try to know Orwin better (and base my decision to keep or add him to the friend culling). I’m hoping I can pressure myself to keep him, as he is one of BADDECODE’s good friends.

What a very interesting Tuesday I had. Glad none of it was dram–oh wait, there was. But it had a good ending. As in, it made me realize why friendship is very important. It also made me realize what Jero truly meant by “nothing will change” when he just wanted to be friends in the past. It opened my eyes.
Anyway, let’s start the day off on a hilarious note;
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A very ‘normal’ convo in #tech-talk
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Yesterday started off like any other day. Got on my computer, and checked the channels
of Mystery Skulls for anything going on. And there was definitely something going on
in #tech-talk. Jero, became.. an extremely.. extremely lucky son of a bitch by having Steam Support send a replacement controller over the Atlantic Ocean to the UK, and allowing him to keep his broken controller until he gets it.
In other words, they’re allowing.. what I was denied (for not having a printer/car/FedEx Store in my city).

And you know, the BEST part?! I’m a full-blooded American. I live in the good ole US of A. Let freedom ring that sort of thing. I also, bought my Valve Index! And it was (I really hope) made, right here in America!
Jero, as you know, is from the UK. Born and raised (I assume). He also bought his Index through eBay.
Jero, bought his through eBay! AND THEY’RE ALLOWING IT!! WHAT. THE. FUCK. STEAM!!
You.. there’s… it’s a conspiracy, I tell you!

They’re working with the aliens!!! They probed Steam’s minds to give out controllers to the UK, to keep WW3 from happening! It’s a conspiracy, folks! Lock your doors! Hide your wives! Hug your kids! Sing “god bless America” as loud as you can!

Alright, crazy time over. Back to reality. Maybe it was ‘British luck’ or something, but he said they “aren’t supposed to do this” but did it anyway. My best guess, was for them to avoid having to pay ridiculously high international shipping costs (for a single item).
Myself on the other hand, we have regional shipping. So they can be pricks and make me pay $150 for a replacement controller (in order to have it shipped to my door). 😛
I dunno. All I say, is he got fucking lucky. Either that or maybe their support in the US is shit while support in the UK they roll out the red carpet.
–
Moving on from this (and getting to the point of this post)…
This started with Kandy stating he sold all of his VR stuff in favor of the Quest 2, and Mibit being in favor of using wires as it “makes me feel alive”.
I dark joked by saying “Until you trip over the cable and break your neck, then you won’t be so ‘alive’ anymore.” He explains how he’s dealt with cables for years, and then he explains that even if he has to go to the hospital he has cables attached to him and describes them as a possible fetish. I could’ve ended it right there, by saying “well let’s not go in the path of NSFW”.. instead I added fuel to the fire by joking around with:
“*Mibit in bed* “Strangle me with that HDMI Cable, daddy!!” Aaaaand it went downhill from there with Jero saying “Mibit bit me and it really hurt. Daddy Mibit bit me”. Hahaha. I couldn’t help myself. It was a perfect opportunity for a lewd joke! 😂
Eventually though, I had to put my foot down when the two started talking about their toys. Yeeeah OK, too far. Let’s simmer down.
Mibit gave the suggestion of an ‘NSFW tech-talk’ and I asked this in mod chat. I half expected them to be all “WTF happened, Benie?!” or some other hilarious response. Instead it was a ‘tired Nova’ response. After some effort, the channel was made and I told them to ‘go nuts’. Surprisingly, neither of them have posted in it (yet). I’ll need to ask if they can access the channel.
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Be careful of what you ask for…
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“Hold up. ‘Ask for’? Don’t you mean ‘wish for’?” you might be asking. And no, I didn’t typo the segment title.
It was the evening. Was checking VRCX to see the ones I really care to hang out with are on. None of them were, except for TJ. Later he does his usual thing of DMing me asking if I’m ok and stuff and I said I’m doing alright.
Much later, I’m contemplating on just getting on and trying to find that.. certain world
that DJTheDutchie showed me. Checked VRCX and still getting nothing of this
special FoxHole world, that I could test my naughty’s DynamicP(Naughty)System on.
Decide to ask DJ first, but he’s asleep or what not. Then I ask TJ if he knows. And he told me a lot more than I.. wanted to know which made me reconsider if it was worth not caring about what the creator of FoxHole… allowed to happen. It’s, very disturbing.
So you can get into this secret world through a password, and you can only get access to it through their Discord. This is fine.. but what isn’t, is the owner allowed underage kids into this world. …Yeah.
So, the owner is a fucking pervert or something. Has no decency to do age checks. Just allows anyone access. Wtf. I’m surprised, his worlds (and himself) haven’t been removed from VRChat by now. Who’s to say he doesn’t have cameras in that world he can… look at them having fun. That’s a very sickening thought, but I don’t think it’s true. You’re not allowed to have CCTV cameras in a world, thank God.
So yeah.. um. Fuck THAT idea.
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“STOP EVERYTHING!! ..Benie, get the Jero! Quick! BENIE!! THE JERO!! GET THE JERO!!”
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Reference to segment title (if it isn’t obvious(if you played Deltarune Part 2 and are familiar with a certain banana): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGV_U2Qlvms
This was on my mind when I saw him show up as online in VRCX. Had to get on, even though I never charged my trackers the last time I was on. But now’s the time to see truly how long they last and what happens when they fully discharge.
Got on and loaded in, still remembering what happened the night before with
my ISP suddenly going out. Checked my friends list. Holy fuck, Jero’s actually joinable! Green status! Joined him in this bright, small world. Coming up to everyone, this would prove to be one of those moments of karma biting you in the ass. Or in my case, trying to punch me in the stomach in the form of Bandana (one of the friends I pruned). He clearly wasn’t understanding why I unfriended him. But rather than talk about this like a civilized adult, he’s showing his frustration by calling me names and stuff (that didn’t bother me in the slightest).
Also it seems, I was wrong for assuming most people would be calling me ‘gay’ for having an option to cause my pokadots to change color. They see it like Blender does; RGB pokadots. Frost even joked around saying I’m “faster now”, referencing that old meme
that RGB makes everything run faster.
–
Everything went OK. Bandana wanted to suck the soul out of Jero and me for some reason. You know, just normal everyday stuff. Had another ‘ex’-friend I pruned show up and just stared at me for the longest time. I tried explaining that I pruned my friends lists and I don’t usually hang out with you (and I have nothing against y0u). Left shortly after.
Some people just don’t know how to take not being able to boost their rank though
friends, as Bad said. But they weren’t really friends to begin with. So.. *shrug*
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The truth of why Jero doesn’t date anymore
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The hours went by. Now 2am. People were getting tired and heading to bed. Jero was laying on his bed, myself being his pillow. Soon it was just myself and Jero in the world. He told me he was going to bed “soon”, as he had to go to work after noon his time (8am mine).
Instead he fell asleep on me, but he was also phasing in and out of conscious. I took this as an opportunity to speak my mind about Blender and how I felt about himself (how I wish we could have a 3rd chance at a relationship but knowing that “won’t happen in a million years”). It felt good opening myself up like that to him, but I knew he wouldn’t hear the whole thing. And that’s exactly why I did, so I wouldn’t hear the same “yes I’m lonely I told you this before, but I’m fighting it off”.
It was 4am and I told him I’m going to move now, but still be in the world. He told me that I could go but I said “no no, I’m staying here with you. But you need to go to bed, Jero.” He said “but I am in bed”. Ha ha. Very funny.
–
He started to wake up when he couldn’t feel me as a pillow anymore. I asked him if he heard anything I said, he said “some bits but not everything”. I said “that’s good. That is good. It was just ‘stuff’ that likely won’t happen for a million years. ..Just ‘stuff’.” But I couldn’t really keep it like that and I opened up again. He wasn’t fully woken up and misheard a few things, which I didn’t mind re-explaining what I meant.
“To be honest Benie, it wasn’t really the fact you were controlling that make me lose interest. It actually wasn’t you at all. It was me” he said, adding on the number of couples moving in and how I mentioned this is “what you wanted”. I tried telling him “Jero, I know how you feel. But I did ask you if it could stay as an online relationship. When my mother passes away, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to take care of myself…, let alone another person.”
“I got cold feet. Well, cold paws. That’s why I lost interest.. I’m sorry, Benie. I really
am” he said. I hugged him tight.
I briefly changed the topic back to Blender. “You know, something.. that you said, when we first broke up? ‘I don’t know how relationships work’? Blender’s the same way. He doesn’t know either. I’m trying my damnest to be patient, but he keeps on forgetting certain things. And.. to be honest, if I had things my way, I’d let go Blender like a sack of rocks and come back to you. ..I know that’s not how I should feel about Blender. That’s wrong.”
He also talks about something being ‘wrong’ but I didn’t quite catch it, as he was talking at the same time. Asked him to please repeat.
“Well, there’s something that you sadly forget. Even if we tried a 3rd time, who’s to say it’ll be any different? I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t do that to you again. That’s wrong.”
I looked at Jero, stunned. “So that’s why you aren’t dating anymore,” I asked. He slowly nodded his head. I lowered mine and sighed. “But that’s why we’re friends. I can never hurt you as a friend,” he added.
I nodded and smiled. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I now feel very, very glad we’re friends. Very close friends.” “Same here, buddy,” he said snuggling me.

So that’s why Jero doesn’t date anymore. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. That’s very understandable. Much like Novice. I told him how I feel that too sometimes, that
I “don’t deserve” a relationship or “don’t need” a relationship, how I’ve had times where I’m all “I don’t need a relationship! I’m happy! I got good friends! That’s all I need.” And that there are times where I’m all “I can’t handle being lonely anymore.” It just felt good to tell him those feelings.
–
With that out of the way, I wanted to fully explain about Blender. As I was explaining though, suddenly my controllers stopped responding and the view in my headset started getting choppy. This lasted for 10 seconds before everything went back to normal. Luckily I didn’t see a black screen or anything like that.
Not sure what the hell happened. Possibly one of my base stations suddenly turning off which caused a brief loss of control (or an issue with the headset itself from all the times it hit the floor and/or times I accidentally yanked the cable when trying to get up from standing on it). All I do know is this didn’t happen until sometime after the battery banks completely discharged and I was using the batteries of the trackers. And it only happened once.
With everything good and operational again, I continued.  But before I really got going, he needed to take a bathroom break. I waited patiently for his return, not expecting anything to happen.. and ho boy did things happen (and fast).
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“OH GOD, TMI!!”
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Jellyosaurus popped in the world unexpectingly. I expected for him to do his “I’m Jellyosaurus!” catchphrase, instead he said how it was good to be back on, and it’s been two weeks he was sick.
Raised an eyebrow, fearing if I was right. “I’m guessing you had Covid?” He said “yes”. Oh shit. Said he had “moderate” symptoms, and was in bed for two weeks not able to move. Aaaand he just kept on explaining what he went through, even if I didn’t ask for the details. Then a friend of his showed up. A sergal. This guy was in a LOT worse shape
than Jelly, and the two kept going back and forth about their symptoms while I’m still waiting for Jero to get back.
He eventually did, and I said “Welcome back, we have guests.” The two kept talking about their symptoms, making my stomach feel uneasy. Jero started messaging me wanting to get out of here. Went to my homeworld without saying a word to those two.
…Oh my god the things they were saying, like we’re all fucking doomed and wearing a mask and getting the vaccine isn’t going to save your ass anymore. Jelly was all “it’s extremely contagious. Everyone I know has it now.”
Jero joined me and we started talking about what just happened. UGH. Too much! Don’t want to think about it! We’re both hypochondriacs and both of us started having trouble breathing when we were there. Had to get out of there to save our sanity.
All we can do is keep praying wearing mask and sanitizing after touching doors, will keep us Covid-free for the foreseeable future.
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Now the ‘daddy’ of two ‘sons’. Oof!
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I’ll explain this final segment title in a little bit. We’re starting to calm down from that eventful moment, and I go back to what I was talking about Blender. Telling him how I’m struggling to stay caring and committed to him when he keeps forgetting important things and how he says “E…” when I’m not happy with him. Jero facepalms and says “not the ‘E’!” Talks about a kid in school that used to say that letter a lot (and a lot more than Blender does. As in the person would “stretch out the E” going by how Jero described it). Damn.
I continued, saying “after I got my naughty finished and said to him that I was on, and I wanted him to be the first one to try it out as that’s fair.. he says ‘Oh yeah, I’m at my grandma’s house…’ Like I’m just supposed to know this. Would’ve been helpful for him to tell me prior to him doing so, but he didn’t do that. He forgets.” Jero didn’t know what to say.
–
Then I told him what happened when I tried to join him, and the kobold, the joking. How I felt I embarrassed Blender and wanted to be alone, and waited for a very long time, and the friend of his who said “everyone’s getting lost in your boyfriend’s eyes” and how I shrugged because we’re in an open relationship, and him saying “I just don’t want you to be alone” and how I lied, and then Blender finally showing up because it was his bedtime.
And what happened after that. No true “Ohh Benie I’m so sorry.” It was more on the condescending side of an apology.
Finally I ended with “…That’s why I wish I could let him go to be with you”. He reminded me again about not wanting to hurt me. I nodded and said “as much as I love him and he loves me, there are times where I wish… I wish I could just be single again. Nothing has really improved the last time I dated him, and I doubt anything will.”
—
And now, to the segment: later on as it was getting close to 6am for me, he smiles at me in a weird

way and said “can I ask you a question?” “Go on” I answered. “What do you know about being a daddy?” he asked, smirking at me. Looking at him, I knew he was serious. So I played along. “Hmmm. Being a daddy. ..Why are you asking, though?” “Well, because I’ve been looking for one” he said, looking straight at me with that otter smirk of his.
I chuckled, then relaxed. “For what I know, it’s just being there for who you love, but with added benefits as dom. It’s pretty much a ‘Dom+’ sort of way.” He nodded, then
said “would you like to be my daddy?”

^ Jero ^
V Me V

“Hmmm..” is all I could say. “You can teach me, daddy. You can teach me how to be a good boy.” O..kay! But you know what? I said “Well, alright. Let’s see how it goes. Son.” He said how I join him and everyone’s all “hi Benie” and you say “hi guys!” and I say “hi dad!” And Frost will be like “…WTF Jay?!” and chuckled hard. I chuckled too, saying “Frost would be so fucking confused!” He laughed harder, knowing it’s true.
Then I said “..oh god, what about Fluffy?” He said “Hmm. Well, you’ll have two sons.”
Yeah, I don’t think so. I don’t want to be a father to a whore. However, I’ll make an exception for Jero. Hahahaha.

So yeah. What a interesting Tuesday. Now that Jero’s my son/naughty buddy, I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen next. …And lookie here. He’s already on and it’s nearly 8:30pm! I’m surprised he’s not in bed.