Hello. I’m still alive. Sorry for the sudden stop in blog posts, but I’ve been going
through.. things. Still am. Physically I feel alright. Mentally.., I dunno what’s wrong with me.
Gamer burnout again? No. I don’t think so. Not this time. I honestly wish it was that easy to diagnose. Because I’ve been playing the Myst series lately. It has shifted to be my main game (or game series) now. If it was Gamer Burnout, no game would be interesting
me.
Could it be, a shift back to how I felt before I joined VRChat? That feeling of “I wish I never joined it” has come and gone, however I haven’t really felt it lately. I know what’s aching my mind, but I don’t know why I’ve been letting it do so, to the point I’ve grown bitter of seeing my friends. It’s a feeling of rage.. for not having a ‘perfect life’ like everyone else. This feeling has always been with me, but I don’t remember it ever being this strong. Though what’s really odd with this, its being coupled with a 50/50 of wanting to be alone yet also not wanting to be alone (caused by what I went through with Halloween of last year).
..This thing alone, I don’t know how in the hell to go back to when I enjoyed being
alone; exploring worlds by myself. What happened back then, really broke me. And I dunno how to un-break myself. It’s like I had the enjoyment of solo exploration literally scared out of me by these horror worlds, and feel it has to be done with a friend now (and hand-holding)… which goes completely against being a soloer.
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Part of this ‘bitterness of seeing my friends’ has to mainly due with Blender and how I feel of him constantly too busy to see me anymore. Again I wish he told me, then I would had not feel a want to get back together with him (as, you know.. I’d be wanting to see him.. a lot as we’re a thing). Don’t even mind hanging with his friends. I just want to see him. Yet most times the moment I join, he’s being called to another world. And whoosh, he’s gone. It’s so… unbelievably annoying.
Yet I should also feel happy for him doing this to become better at his abilities to help people out. And I am. Yet this comes at a price of.. well.. this.
And that’s why I’ve been hanging with Jero more. However, I worry I’m
becoming.. too attached to him (instead of just seeing him as a friend)– even
sometimes.. sometimes nearly wishing I could ‘dump’ Blender and show him we deserve a 3rd chance. The only thing that (thankfully) stops that, is Jero himself having no desire for any kind of relationship. He’s learned to be happy without a relationship, and I support him 100%. Though he told me it still hurts at times, especially at night when he feels all alone. Even one time nearly thinking of ending it all. But his desire to live is what keeps him going.
“VRChat is my way to relieve stress” he says, claiming he probably wouldn’t be here without it. I believe him. Gotta be rough, in that lonely apartment of his.
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And trying to keep my distance from him.. it hasn’t been easy. With the way he cuddles me. The way he talks. The way we ..literally spent an evening and night in my
homeworld.. together (with me playing 90’s music through my mic for him (while his controllers were dying from low battery)). He could’ve left to see Frost (and I even asked if he wanted to), but he wanted to be there.. with me. It’s like he still has those same strong feelings for me back then, as I still do for him. 🧡
Still remember him saying, how he wanted to be cuddled and fall asleep in my arms. He remembers those good times when we were a thing… but, something keeps pushing him away from not wanting to be lonely anymore.
That feeling has come and gone for myself, but it has never truly locked in (like it did for Jero). And when asking him: “what is your secret?”, all he does is repeat himself that “it hasn’t been easy”. Like even he doesn’t fully know the answer (or does, and doesn’t want to hurt me by telling the truth). It just.. happened. Perhaps it was the months after we broke
up, and Frost telling him that he’s better off staying single. I dunno what truly happened
there, but something changed with him. And it has stuck with him.
I’m really proud of him. Wish he’d had the means to open up my head and put this in
there, to make me feel the same.
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Though as for Blender, I wish I could let him go (again). However (and I’ve said this before), he doesn’t feel ashamed of telling others we’re a thing. I don’t have to speak a word. The fact he remembers, is amazing.
Not sure what else to add here. Just note that I’m OK. I’m just going through some
things, like anyone else would. Likely just bored with VRChat, yet at times I have sudden desires to come back. But these desires are shut down by how long it takes me to set up for full body (putting on my foot trackers is a real pita), and knowing what people usually talk about. I’m not like Jero, who not only wears his mask of happiness but can have a fake happy mood that matches it.
And you ask him “what can I do to help ease the pain you go through, day by day?”, he’ll say “that’s ok. I’ll manage.” He’s a real trooper. I respect him. Plus, there’s nothing I (or anyone else) really can do.
Well, cya. 👋