Benie's General Blog

Last night was hilarious, but it also showed a big problem I have caused by.. feelings that never want to die out (even though I have a BF now). However, what Jero said last night, may’ve finally gave it the mercy kill it deserves.
And before I start, one thing I want to state: last morning I wasn’t able to get my rest due to my body being not nice. But I finally got that lost sleep this morning. Very thankful. 🙂
But, I think I’m going to take another break from VRChat. Dunno how long, but I just need to think (even though I don’t really have anything I haven’t thought of before). Overall, think I’m going to see Jero less and less.
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Explaining things
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Joined pretty late this morning, as I was busy typing up the last blog post. I also felt ashamed of my actions with jealousy. Both Blender and Jero were on, and I debated which one I should join first. Jero thankfully ‘made it easy’ for me to make a decision saying in Discord that “it’s up to Frost”. Not wanting to be a bother, I picked to see Blender first.
Joined the highly expanded ‘Rest and Sleep’ world. They’ve moved the spawnpoint to show off the new wing added. Heard voices from the spawn point, including “Benie’s here. Where is he? Where’s Benie?”
Still feeling ashamed (yet also tired), I stayed in the lobby. Blender found me, and that’s when I explained the situation. He understood (in his own way), but not much else was said. Told him I still love him. Then he introduced me to his friends, thinking how ‘wild’ it would be (in his opinion) to see another him. They too seemed unimpressed, just as I thought. Blender was trying to get a reaction out of me, but I was half-tired and was hoping someone would go to bed.
Then I heard Blender yawning, and said “maybe you should go to bed”. He too was unable to get his full sleep, and he did so. Now with Blender in bed, I could talk to Jero. Went back to my homeworld, and then tried to send Frost an invite. Waited a bit. Nothing. Okay, that’s fine. Guess you guys don’t want me to join, or something.
–
Novice was on and I joined him (in the same world I was just in). He was in the new area, in his Hopkin avatar. I tried to pet him, but I felt so tired and so.. depressed. Then he went to socialize with others, and I went my own way; into this pool of sorts. Put myself right in the corner and closed my eyes, occasionally opening them incase I see someone join the world. I wanted to put my head under the water and drown, but didn’t. I just felt too ashamed of myself.
Then a random Hopkin came over and booped me. They indirectly asked why I was all alone here. I didn’t say anything, but was hoping they’d leave me alone and let me suffer in my own depression. Little did I know, but Novice was right behind me and I would had never knew until this random told me. I felt somewhat happy knowing he was here with me, but I didn’t tell him what was on my mind. I just asked him if he was OK since the night before, and he was. Said he was recording himself, and saw Grey had joined.
He said how he “felt bad” he can’t be there for Grey, but said “for some reason I feel uncomfortable around him”.
I said “I know exactly how you feel. Jero and I have this same feeling”. But I didn’t want to say anymore just incase a friend (or a friend of a friend of a friend) of Grey was here in this world. He agreed to this.
—
Then Jero joined unexpectingly. Now usually I would be so happy.. but not this time. All I did was pray he didn’t have to say anything about what happened last night.
Novice went to do his own thing. We just chilled for a bit, and asked him how he was doing and stuff. The usual. And I took this time to tell Jero that “I’m sorry for my actions last night, with the jealousy”. But he took it with a chuckle and told me it’s OK.
No, it’s not. And I explained everything else. All he did, was repeat what he has told me before. Nothing new. Nothing that would tell my stupid achy heart that still has those strong feelings for him.. to STFU!!
But anyway, he did tell me he doesn’t mind hanging out with me as he cares about me a lot. Mmm, that’s sweet. Then he talks about Grey, and how it’s “pissing me(Jero) off”. Again I told him the same thing I told Novice, to be careful as there’s people who’s friends with Grey that could be here.
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For once I’m glad I have Blender
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That was until I explained what I meant by how him and Blender “are the only reasons why I play this game anymore”. He asked “what about Kovo?” and I explained the reason why he doesn’t really play VRChat anymore. I want to believe Kovo that he wants to go back to how things were between mid-2018 to 2019 (when I played every damn day just to hear his hilarious shenanigans). But with his controllers being the way they are, and the fact not that much happens in the game anymore, it likely will never happen.
We also talked about Aaron, and I could had sworn he said how they dated once, but it was a year ago. ..Well, that explains a LOT with how flirty Aaron was around him. But later I asked him about it and he said “we never dated”. So either he misheard me or lied. I’m going to vote on ‘misheard’.
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Later, after waiting for a friend of mine to head to bed, I explained the ‘only reason why I play anymore’ thing but with more detail (how I feel anyone that has a job/car/life is ‘better than me’). He didn’t really have a response for that except “well my car is my bike”.
Rephrased it with how I tend to avoid these people. He seemed to understand me, then said this is why he goes to public instances. He also dislikes private instances, saying they “cut you off from the community”.
Immediately I began to have WoD flashbacks of people against the Garrison. ..So he’s one of them; the complainers. He’s a fan of the whole ‘community’ aspect.
That was all I needed for my feelings towards him to say “WTF?!?!” and die. Now I’m glad we’re not a thing. ..You know, it’s funny. Jero has said, that once someone meets him IRL that they about face and go the other way. Well I am too, as that’s all I needed to hear.
Blender doesn’t care for the whole community aspect. That’s why we get along so well. It’s a question I’ve never thought of asking, to anyone.
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Then he tells me how this otter community he’s a part of, that they’re doing an IRL meetup in March of this year and have asked Jero if he would like to come to America and be part of it. He believes he can. Then I said “I envy you. You actually get to go out of the house and see the world. I’m stuck here!”
Said he feels slightly worried about it, due to not really knowing them that well. Mmm, guess I could agree to that. He also believes it likely won’t happen, as the same thing was promised with that whole thing of going to Las Vegas. Said the guy that was going to do it, suddenly stopped talking to them. So, when he was dating.. you know who. Hmm.
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Later, Aaron joins. And after some time he’s really wanting to get Jero into a private world. And I thought “you know what? Fine. You two go to a private world. I’ll be fine, alone”. And Jero’s all “nooo, I’m not going to do that to you”. Aaron however didn’t seem to care. He was horny.
Well Aaron, you can have Jero all to yourself now. He’s not ‘mine’ anymore. I don’t care.

I just.. don’t care anymore. Yeah, I am going to take that break from VRChat. I dunno when I’ll be back. I’m sorry.
EDIT: After my trip to Waffle House (and actually talking to my mother for once about this), I reversed my decision on taking a break.
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…Abuse complaint on my website??
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So this one caught me completely off guard. After coming back from Waffle House and talking to my mother, I checked my email and saw two messages with the titles like this;
‘[ABUSE]: Urgent Mass Storage Abuse Report For benies-blogs.com’
..”Abuse”?! The FUCK??
So apparently a 3-year-old backup folder is for some reason against their ToS, when it never was before. What. the. FUCK, Arvixe. How long have I had this website? Several years now? And suddenly it’s a problem?!
Still, I conducted an investigation into the matter, and found no evidence of this supposed folder that’s an issue. Re-read their email, thinking I missed something.. and I did. This was a much, much bigger issue that I thought I didn’t have a leg to stand on. But it also pissed me off. So basically they’re against me taking advantage of the unlimited
space.. well you dumbfucks shouldn’t had fucking advertised it as unlimited then!!
And why NOW are you guys against it, when I’ve done this for years with no issues?? Made me start to believe.. someone I knew, someone I remember saying they “found my blogs” snitched on me.
But.. why? That doesn’t make sense, when they’re one of my really good friends. They wouldn’t do something this low to me. Nah, there’s more to this. Moved away from the whole ‘snitch’ assumption.
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I went to Arvixe’s security team to ask if the email was legitimate. It was. They also updated my ticket with my defense in this matter.
Today (the 10th), they responded telling me to check a usage report, that showed exactly where the offending folder is. It’s not in the main folder where everything goes, but in a root folder… ohhhh. Huh, I guess I could understand why they’re against that (as they don’t know what it could be as its against their own ToS to look inside a customer’s files). Right, I’ll remove it.
Suddenly remembered why I put it there; for security reasons, and I was going to remove it but I forgot to. And to help better mitigate the issue (aka get them off my back), I deleted a few old .zip files in the main folder. ..Hopefully you guys are happy now?
Completing the investigation, I submitted my findings and sent the response.
–
Got a response from them. Issue fixed, and they closed the ticket against me. Crisis over. Phew. Now I can breath easier without fear of not knowing where to put my stuff if they shut down this website.
Then right after that response, I get another email.. asking for feedback.
Uhh.. ex-freakin’-CUSE ME?! After you guys tried to give me a panic attack, of an email at 2 in the morning, with the words ‘administrative action’ in the body for failing to do anything about it……, you. want me. to GIVE MY FUCKING FEEDBACK?!?!?!
Sure. Thank you, for not destroying 10+ years of work. Thank you, for not forcing me to go to another hoster! Is that good enough for feedback, Arvixe?? Just… *sighs* just please keep doing your jobs keeping the server this website is on, and I’ll do my best to not be in your hair. DEAL??

Trying to be with Blender
Since I was with Jero all night, I wanted to hang with Blender instead due to him losing power the day before. But it was hard to as I waited and waited for him to accept my invite. Finally I get in.. joining the exact same room I met Jero and the others yesterday. Immediately as I joined, I heard rave music.
This time I had to search for the person I asked to join, and found the room. Same room as before, and found the source of the music. Now with Blender, he asked me what I thought of the model. I said it’s awesome and that Jero “really likes it”. Pointing to my right foot, I said “he licked that, for 45 minutes”. He was shocked, but said “I could do it longer”. I’m sure you could, Blender.
I then asked him if he could teach me all the gestures he knows for the model, and he did. Including combos I wasn’t really aware of. I also learned VictonRoy made the model. But why it became part of the main Rexouium model made no sense to me. You’d think it would be a separate download. Perplexing.
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Started nuzzling him with these paws and he started moaning and stuff, so we went back to my homeworld were I was able to take care of that. Then he said he’ll “be right back”. I waited, and waited, and waited some more for what felt like almost an hour. I felt quite worried something happened to him, and messaged him. All of this time, he was using the bathroom and was just finishing up. He hoped I wouldn’t get worried but it happened, and I explained why. He apologized for making me worry.
I mean, after you lost power, what am I supposed to think? It could had happened again and similar with what happened to Jero, you would not had ‘logged off’ for a long time.
Anyway, he wanted me to visit VictonRoy to surprise him. Sure. Before Blender left, he said that Victon “was with Lost”. So I joined Lostwolf, assuming I’d meet Blender and the others.
…That wasn’t the case. Sure I saw Lostwolf (and even Drag Queenie), but they were busy playing in a world called ‘Ghost’. I stayed there for five minutes, expecting Blender to join. Never did. So I joined Victon directly. Blender never asked what took me so long, but after I told him that I joined Lostwolf, he facepalmed ashamed of himself giving me the wrong ‘Lost’ to join.
Victon seemed quite unimpressed over how I had this texture. All he said was “like the new model” and went back to what he was doing. I didn’t think he would be, given how long it’s been. But I was just going by what Blender told me.
—
I then went upstairs and waited alone in the bedroom. I wanted to talk to Blender directly of.. if he paid for this model. I didn’t want to ask this infront of Victon and the friend he was with at the time. Waited for a few minutes and Blender showed up. He told me he got it as a gift. Thought so, then told him “because I never paid for this model”. He soon realized he made a mistake sending me the model (yet never said he did and that I should get rid of it), only saying “be careful with it hun”.
I immediately felt like “..duh. Of COURSE I’m going to be careful! Do you think I want people to know I didn’t pay for this?! It’ll be hell on Earth for BOTH of us!!” but kept it to myself as it sounded wrong to say to him. He didn’t know I never paid for the model, so I forgive him.
A minute later, the friend Victon was with left. Blender left to go speak to him, as did I (as I still didn’t get my answer on why this model became part of the Rexouium model). Instead Victon had other plans, so both of us were unable to fully hang with him.
Checking my friends lists, I saw Kaelygon on and asked Blender if he wanted to meet the creator of the Dutchie. He was somewhat in favor of it, but told me after that he was going to see friends.
—
Went to go see Kaelygon, who happened to be in the same world we were in some time ago. This ‘Winter Company’ world is quite popular, it seems. I waited for Blender to join, but he wasn’t exactly ready to follow me as he was seeing friends of his. Drowsee also joined and immediately came up to me. He really likes the avatar.
Managed to find Kael a different part of the world I’ve never been to, and went back to Blender when someone started speaking to Drowsee to distract him. Lead Blender to Kael.
The intro was.. a bit awkward. I wanted to say more like “this is the creator of the Dutchie!”, but felt reminding Kael of the model would be a mistake and didn’t want to embarrass myself (and himself).
Blender then said he was being summoned to see his friends. In my head I felt “that’s OK. I’ll have Jero to hang with while you’re busy. So you have fun hun. :)” He left, and I stayed in the world for awhile.. until someone showed up.
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Kael ‘might’ update the Dutchie for better FBT
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Without Blender, I didn’t feel as awkward to show off BTD 3.5 to Kaelygon (to show him I still had the model). He was showing off his work too, and wanted to show me previews of what he’s been up to with his commissions. Let him friend me on Discord to do so.
Noticed one of his works had the same twisted ankles that my model has. Interesting. He told me he developed a “quick fix” for FBT that he’s applying to all of his models. Took this as a perfect opportunity to ask him “what about the Dutchie? The one you made” (showing him the issues with my avatar’s twisted ankles).
He is aware of the issue, but then seemed to be almost downplaying his work, as if noone really uses the Dutchie anymore. Said “there are much better Dutchie models than mine”. That is true, but I still love this model dude. I’ve used it for years. It’s my main avatar! Don’t downplay your work, Kael. You made a lot of Best Bois very happy during that contest years ago with your 1.0b model.
He saw I was dead serious, and was thankful I cared so much for his work. He said he ‘might’ update it in the future, but only if he can finally free himself from the mountain of commissions on his shoulders. He explained the plethora of commissions he’s gotta do. And.. let’s just say it might not be until (maybe) 2023 when we see an update from him (if he doesn’t get burned out from all the work of course).
One interesting thing to note, related to Best Boi 2.0: yes it was a collab between Kael, but what I didn’t know is Kev Dee (the winner of the contest years ago) had nothing to do with the model. It was Kael and Charms (with Kael making the model). Interesting. So why was that name included in the credits? Kael was just as confused as I was.
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Time went on. Saw a few friends I haven’t seen in awhile, and then.. I saw the new ‘leader’ of the Best Boi’s; Rusty. Okay, time to leave. Sorry, but I don’t like you. I don’t care if you got Kibble’s blessing, you couldn’t hold a candle to his work that brought me to this game. Your models look NOTHING like a true Best Boi. 😛
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Back in my homeworld, I sent Jero a few invites. It was 12:30 in the morning at the time. Time went on, and I could see I wasn’t going to be able to join. So, guess I’m forced to find something to do on my own.
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Mister Lonely
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Saw Lostwolf was on, but in another world. Joined, but stayed in the shadows (mostly). I again debated if I should get off, but I did see Queenie. Just he didn’t really see me. Decided to grab a drink from my fridge and chill by myself while watching everyone being social and having fun below.
Few friends joined, but I wasn’t really in the mood to go look for them. Was actually more surprised Toucan joined. He never joined me (as far as I can remember). He’s got his own group, where I have noone but my.. well, one very close friend & ex-BF (Jero) and my current BF (Blender).
Lostwolf eventually found me and gave me a hug, but thankfully never asked me “why are you alone up here? Come over and socialize!” then left. Went back to looking. Suddenly I’m hearing the sound of heavy sniffing in my left ear, look over and it’s Toucan! Hey dude! Can’t remember what he said, but we snuggled for awhile. Then he went to go see other friends.
Then Orwin joined. Ah, my friend who’s two years older than me is here. ..I still can’t believe it, even to this day. Decided to explore the world a bit, then go see where Orwin is. He was talking to Lostwolf and a few others at spawn. Decided to leave them alone, but also decided to watch from a distance. Some time passed and Lonewolf ran by me. I heard him say “let’s go Benie!” ..Huh? Are we going to another world? Yes we were, but it took him awhile until he dropped the portal.
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Arrived. It was a world I remember being before, but back in 2020 or so. Stayed quiet, watching Orwin and others run around (while the majority went up to the peak to socialize). I sent one more invite to Jero, but didn’t get a response. Slowly explored and walked over to a house, sighing my head off. Tried to fall asleep infront of the mirror, kind of hoping someone would see me and wanna chill. Heard something on my left. It was Orwin, but he went AFK. A few people showed up shortly after, wanting to speak to him. I went over and told him he went AFK about a minute ago, then went back over to the mirror. He eventually did. Happened to go over. He saw me and said “Hey Benie!” in a cheerful tone. I smiled and said hey back.
Suddenly… Jero joined the world! My eyes bugged out and I ran back to spawn as quick as I could. Smiled, but somewhat when I saw him. I had a bad feeling he’d say something about the somewhat constant invites I’ve been sending him, but asked in a compassionate tone why I wasn’t able to join him. He said he was dealing with some people and it wasn’t a good time. Ah. Then Novice joined.
Then another friend I haven’t seen, joined. Aaron! Damn dude, it’s been YEARS!! He’s also one of Jero’s friends.
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Craziness
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Another person Jero remembered showed up; whatsunknown. I remember him from Blender, before I had made that Luma world as my homeworld. Due to the lag from people joining, he offered to show some ‘chill’ worlds. So it was Jero, Novice, Aaron, and myself checking out these worlds.
Was semi-confused of the way Whatsunknown was explaining the worlds (so was Jero). Clearly it was based off something, but he wouldn’t really explain what. I went with it though. The second world, his ‘tour’ seemed to had stopped prematurely as he went into a portal. Jero was very interested in figuring out where this bridge he was seeing goes, so we stayed put as the portal closed. We all followed Jero, and got to the bridge. Wasn’t much on the other side (a structure you couldn’t enter), but it has support cables that you can walk on. Weee… HDS3 PTSD. Slipped off a few times, but eventually made it up.
Then Jero said we should go see Whatsunknown.. problem is, none of us were friends with him, not even Jero. Though Novice was, and we went to Room of the Rain to go explain what happened.
People left except myself, Jero, Novice, and Aaron.
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Feeling inferior & Blender to the rescue
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Novice went AFK or fell asleep (we weren’t really sure), and we also discovered Aaron is a top.. and a true dom. And, let’s just say he found ways to make Jero moan louder than I ever heard him. And it wasn’t from sex, but from licking his ears. Apparently that’s Jero’s weak spot that he’s never told anyone, that drives him wild.
*cough* Looked at Jero and I say “so is my tongue not good enough for you?” Though I was joking, I also felt.. jealous. Quite jealous of hearing him moan that loud and that frequent. …I actually wanted to leave the world, feeling Jero has now found someone. *sighs* Even though we’re just friends, I still have those strong feelings I did before. That’s why I felt jealous. I told myself to snap out of it, that I have Blender.
Got on the bed and sat up on my bed IRL, muting the two as I couldn’t stand hearing the moaning anymore. ..Get a fucking room. I don’t want to hear it! I know I’m not a true fucking dom like you are Aaron. There’s no need to show me off!! And you know what was even worse? Before I muted them, Aaron.. actually assumed Jero was my BF. Thankfully Jero wasn’t listening at the time.
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And then Blender showed up. Ohh thank fuck! Blender, I need your love right now to erase what I just went through. We made out as I unmuted the two. I heard Aaron say to Jero “wait. Blender is Benie’s BF? I thought you were.” I kept making out with Blender as much as I could to drown out Jero’s response to that, and it worked perfectly. Thank you Blender! I love you so much! You are my savior right now!! 😀
I told him that he came at the perfect time. Blender, confused as always, asked what I meant by that. Knowing the two would hear me, I said “I’ll tell you later”.
–
What happened next, felt like true payback. What Jero told me, is Aaron was snuggling him, and he got him in a grip that he couldn’t escape. And then I hear Aaron crying out “Benie! Get your boyfriend off me!” with Blender licking his private parts while Jero held on to Aaron so he couldn’t escape. He begged me to save him. NOPE! I put my paws on him.
Hehehe.. payback’s a BITCH!! 😁 I even said “who’s the top NOW?!” and he’s all “I thought I was!”.. hehehehe!! You forget, Jero’s a power bottom! I then proceeded to sweeten my revenge even more by playing the Ding Dong Song. Hahahaha. NO ONE shows me off and lives!! Hearing him beg us to stop, made me laugh so hard.
–
When the song was over, I felt satisfied I got my revenge and asked the two to let him go. Except Jero had other plans, wanting to do this for five more minutes.

All I can say is: 2022, slow the fuck down. Stop living on the fast lane. It’s only the 4th and I’ve done so much, including recently.. finally de-dusting my computer. I hope by doing so, my graphics card can finally breath. Haven’t de-dusted since the case swap that Jero helped me with. So yeah, it has been awhile. Watching the dust fly out of the case felt very satisfying.
Best thing about it, I now have a handheld blower for de-dusting instead of having to go out to the garage and do it. I thank Nova for giving me a few suggestions. I can de-dust it without having to unplug everything (just the power cable for safety reasons).
–
And yesterday, after several months I now have Alexa’s music playing through my Index’s mic and speakers (but only similar to how I did with my O+). Three days ago I got it to play through the speakers, but not the mic. And yesterday, I discovered the official Voicemeeter Discord. Probably was 3-4 months ago when it was made as a thing, because I never saw it back then.
I explained my issue, but felt like it would fall on deaf ears. Thought this server was pretty dead, but I’m glad I gave it a chance as one of the moderators messages me asking for a picture. Took it and they asked if I could join a call to get this looked at and hopefully fixed. Shared my screen, and even trusted them to take control of my computer (he gave me his word as he’s a hand-picked mod from the creator of Voicemeeter).
He showed me I no longer need to be using Virtual Audio Cable as Output as Voicemeeter “has its own mic” and “can use it for something else” (and flat out removed it from Hardware Input 3, which makes me wonder if I should go back to Voicemeeter Banana since I have no need for a 4th input anymore). Instead he showed me ‘B1’ (being a mic). I showed him the macros that ‘my friend’ (aka Avaris) helped me set up. He said “your buddy did a great job with the macros”. Glad Avaris did, else that would’ve been more work on this guy’s part.
He made sure everything was working, including finally hearing Alexa’s voice through my Index’s mic. Was extremely thankful for the help. But one last thing he said is Voicemeeter Potato has been updated since I last used it, to ‘Voicemeeter-X64 Potato’. The new version comes with a ‘Streamer Mode’– a slimmed down version that will actually fit in my screen (yes, can you believe Potato still doesn’t fit in both monitors even with 1080p)? Unbelievable.
Anyway, I managed to make this same setup with Voicemeeter Banana. More compact and it actually fits in a single window.
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Anyway, to explain the “wild side” was mainly in my homeworld. On the 2nd, Redjoker wanted to join me. Wanted in the mood as I was waiting for Jero (who was on at the time), to join me (or me to join him). Joker kept requesting an invite, so I’m all “alright Joker fine, let’s see what you want from me”. He joined while I was listening to Alexa through my speakers (was the day later when I was able to get the help I needed). All he wanted to do was hang with me, so I did my best. Then some random person joined the world.
Umm hi… how did you get in here? Ohh… right I have a mod that sets the world to Invite+. Derp. Anyway,they’re one of Joker’s friends, and the two were having fun. Then Blender wanted to join. Let him in. He asked me if I knew HawaiianHyena, I said “yeah, he’s one of my friends”, and Blender asked if he can join the world. Thought “sure”, thinking it would be a brief visit. They joined, then Joker’s friend left to go to work, and Joker left about 20 minutes later.
Oh yeah, even Jero joined me. And he met Blender for the first time. He was also quite tired at the time but wanted to stay up for me, which was quite sweet. Eventually I told him he needs his sleep, and he did.
The next thing I know, Blender was getting quite lewd with Hawaiian. I jokingly said “sure, you two have sex on my bed! I’ll be over here by the mirror”… and they started fucking doing it on the bed; Blender giving Hawaiian a blowjob. Oh. my. lord. So I’m currently laying down on my side, looking at the mirror. Got my mic muted and started chuckling to myself as I couldn’t believe they took my words seriously, but also listening to Alexa at high volume to remove the moaning sounds from my ears. This went on for 30 minutes… until they finally finished up. I’m sorry, but why wasn’t the thought of “we should go to our own private world to not bother Benie” used?! Wanted to say this but didn’t. Instead, I left quietly as Blender was admiring Hawaiian’s d**k that’s the size of a grapefruit that fucking sparkles in the moonlight like some Twilight BS, and I was done with this shit.
Noone needs a virtual d**k with RGB!! WTF?!

Next day, I had so. many. people join my homeworld. Seriously, wtf is going on?! Why do so many people wanna see ME??
But the real ‘fun’ came from Kat in the w0rld talking to someone that was invisible to me. When everyone left, I saw ‘Werodip’ show in join notifier. So, he blocked me and was talking to Kat. That’s just lovely, that he’s still talking to Kat. Didn’t care about being blocked, only that HE’s still talking to Kat.
I pray she knows what she’s doing… better not go crying to Kovo if it goes south on her. Just saying. Thing is, who knows how long this has been going on. At least, there was no drama that was discussed (from what I heard from Kat).

So yeah, that’s what happened.

Half good news, half bad (yet also good) news. But all I can really say is, I guess my chances of getting back together with Mibit are pretty much gone now as he’s changing his life (and his name) next year.
Why am I saying this? Well.. this is Blender’s last chance to stop trying and actually change his life around. Why him, and not me? My life doesn’t affect anyone else’s (I’ve made sure of that). His. does. Though his life may be more chaotic than I’m thinking.
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Blender takes control of his life
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Way before I’ve met him, he’s been having sleep issues. But that’s not the only problem here. Remember how I said before I want him to take control of the relationship so I won’t feel I’m controlling him against his will? Keeps saying he’ll “try” but he never does. Yes it sounds familiar… to me. But we’re not really talking about me here. Well, in this sense anyway.
I have been losing interest in Blender. Thing is, I dunno if this is even related or what this originated from. I can only assume it’s him, but it’s not just Blender I’m losing interest in. I’m losing interest in talking to people and staying in one world for a long time. Similar to Garruk. And this is been happening more often. I’ve been wanting to talk to someone I could trust about this and get advice on what I should do, but it feels noone’s available.
A few nights ago, Blender was in Stray’s Theatre. Went to go see him, but as soon as I saw him I ran back outside and wanted to hide. Didn’t know why. And I kept doing this for awhile.
Someone saw me and told Blender where I was. Ran back outside again. Didn’t see Blender run outside to look for me. Felt thankful. Then I told myself “what the fuck are you doing? If that was Jero, you’d be running in there without hesitation. You’d join a public world just to be with him… why can’t you do this for Blender?” I didn’t have an answer. I guess his personality is starting to get on my nerves? …I don’t know. I really don’t know. It’s annoying to not know. What the fuck is making me lose my interest, to where I want to avoid him!? My mind sometimes feels he’s going to make up excuses of why he’s not able to do this and that, similar to Jero.
But I think the likely cause is him being with friends instead of wanting to be with me (and then we can meet his friends). He rarely checks his friends lists. And when he’s with a friend and goes to see me, I tell him “you should be with your friends”. And he swears he just wants to be with me.. yet he can’t do this when I join? I pay attention to my friends lists. Why can’t he? You don’t need a mod to let you know. You just need to know what’s more important in your life.
Claims he loves me, and he can’t live without me. But when he’s with friends that gets thrown out the window. I’m treated like another friend. So I treat him as a friend. This might explain the entire thing– including the ‘dull’ feeling I’ve been having.
–
Going back to what happened inside Stray’s Theatre, a few hours had passed since then. Blender’s getting tired and saying he is. Said “tired people go to bed”. Orion was with me at the time and we were both trying to enforce him to sleep.
I was talking to Orion about how annoying this has gotten and stuff like that. Blender heard every word and felt ashamed, saying he could understand why we are upset. Orion tried to explain that no, we aren’t but trying to beat this into his head of when to get a proper sleep. When Blender left, I discussed the entire thing that’s been on my mind with Orion. I just couldn’t hold it back anymore; had to get it off my chest.
“Sounds like you two need a break.” Orion suggested to me. Hmm.. that just might work! I added onto this idea, wanting to tell Blender how I’m going to give him one last chance to be more communicative (and us to play other games besides just VRChat). Because I’m getting bored with this game (similar to what Mibit told me). I want to do
something else than VRChat all the time. And this just might spice things up. Man I hope at least.

The next day, I felt “I guess we need to have another talk” and discussed that Orion and I didn’t find him annoying, only that he doesn’t get it that sleep is extremely important to him, and said I feel we need to take a break. Started opening up more, explaining the pain I’ve felt with this entire thing (the silence mainly in Discord). Overall I just wanted him to stop being… ME– stop the empty promises to change. And I’m not asking him to completely change his life, only to make a schedule like Mibit has.
I want him to learn how to balance: time with friends/time with me/Blender & Animation work for his CEC thing/being part of streams/sleep. And he actually did, even picking a time we’ll play SoT or other games. This is good. He’s actually becoming responsible for his actions and doing something about it. I’m happy for him.
Now if only he’ll fix the issue with not being able to unlock his true love, to be more observant when I’m on and wanting to see me instead of me wanting to see him. But I am thankful for three things.
1 . He’s very easy to discuss issues with, unlike Wolfdog.
2. He admits when he’s wrong and is trying to fix his mistakes, because he wants this to work very badly.
2a. He’s not saying they aren’t happening/pulling the “we should just be friends because I can’t change simple aspects in my love life” card (unlike Wolfdog or Jero).
3. He’s not overly horny (unlike Fluffy).
I’m giving him a month from the time he made his schedule (October 20th). If I don’t see an improvement by then, it’s over. It might be even sooner than that, depending on my mood.
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‘Professional’ Asshole Pirates
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Was around 5pm when we finally got into SoT yesterday, as Blender didn’t have the game updated and I didn’t have him added to my Steam friends list. So we didn’t really do much.
We spent nearly a half an hour just on resource grabbing (need to fix that). Went to Crescent Isle as that’s where my Gold Hoarder quest was telling me to go to. Didn’t have enough time to dig up the chest, but we did get a few loose items.
Made it back to an outpost by 6:02pm. Two minutes past dinnertime for me, sold everything and hopped off.
It was 9pm by the time I became available. Two reason why it took me so long;
1. My mother wanted me to look for an electric blanket for myself, as she’s worried I’m freezing to death in the mornings with how the cat has my heater and how we can’t have more than one portable heater plugged in and on at anytime in this house.
2. I told Blender when I got back, I’d stream SoT to give him something to do.
Blender seemed to not grasp the second thing fully, so I asked him “are you saying you wanna play again?” He said “I guess, yeah”. So we did. Another 30 minutes passed of setting up.
As we were setting up, this friendly foe showed up.

Oh hello skeleton ship! It was daring us to move from the dock. Told Blender “it’s not going to attack us if we don’t move, and it should go away.” ..Yet I wasn’t sure of my own words of how long this ship stayed there. But we kept gathering resources. Eventually it did fuck off….. phew!! Looks like I was right. 👍
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We hit the open ocean, right when Blender’s mother needed him. And guess where we were headed? ..Crescent Isle. This time, a map with two X’s. Double the treasure! 😄
As we approached the shore (me driving and Blender being my navigator), noticed a skeleton ship on one side of the island, and a player ship with two flags on the top and one on the back. Huh.. embassy ship. Wanted to keep my eye on it while Blender looked for the treasure. It headed to the outpost we left from.
Thought we were OK for the time being, so I found and dug up the two treasure chests. As I was bringing the second chest onboard our ship, took a look at that embassy ship again. Blender had found a message in a bottle and asked me if he should grab it. I said yes, and he did and kept exploring… though he really should had gotten back to the ship as I continued to watch the other ship.
Suddenly I saw them turn toward us. “Blender get on the ship! GET ON THE SHIP!!!” I yelled. I waited for Blender to come as they got closer and closer to us. He did and we tried to get out of there. They fired a cannon and Blender assumed it was a cannonball, instead I saw a person. Oh no, they’re going to board us. Told Blender to get ready, but the asshole somehow managed to get behind me and attacked, catching me off-guard. I had no time to react before I was dead. Blender joined me in death.
I noticed they were using pirate chat, saying “both dead anchor down”.. great, we’re dealing with skilled pirates. When we got back, we heard cannonfire. They were trying to sink our ship, and wouldn’t let me back on.
I tried a tactic, swam over to their ship and see if I can’t do what they did to me. But my mouse hand was doing that panic shake and I couldn’t react right. Died again. Saw “enemy here!” in pirate chat.
…They think we’re ENEMIES?! You’re the assholes that are raiding us!!! Ok, where in the fuck is the button for voice chat?? Couldn’t find it, and when I did and respawned, I respawned on a foggy island.

So; a half an hour of prep work, then going to the island, digging the chests up, bringing them to the ship… only to lose them to skilled assholes. That’s.. that’s just great. Just. fucking. GREAT. Half of me wanted to ragequit, but the other half told the first half to calm down and think about this.
Eventually, the second half managed to succeed. Blender wanted to take a break. But taking a break isn’t going to get our stuff back. …And we’re not going to GET our stuff back without Orion being there. But I didn’t want him to get involved in this.
Instead I remembered Blender finding that message in a bottle– our saving grace. We could use that quest to pretty much “try again”. Sure it won’t be the same goldmine we got before, but we’ll get something out of it. That’s what matters. This is all the name of the game. You win some and you can lose.. everything. That’s the pirate’s life.
But that doesn’t mean ‘game over’, as the ‘continue’ button is still there to try again. I pressed it and try again we did, with limited supplies. The message (more like a
riddle) ironically took us right back to the island where the chaos started.
Still remember a quarter after we left the island we spawned on, I saw the embassy ship in the distance. ..Not this time, assholes. I steered away, and thankfully they never turned around. They likely did see us, but they already had (or likely sold) our stuff. At least they’re not true assholes.
–
We got back to the island. Blender was on watch while we sailed in. No ships at all. Halfway as both of us searched for the treasure following the riddle, I saw a Sloop but thankfully it was friendly. We got a few gems and stuff but told Blender to get them off the ship and hide them on the island… just incase. So if they sink our ship again, they’ll get nothing from it. Fucking should had done that before with the chests– used the ship as bait and moved the chests to another location of the island. This game truly brings the worst out of people.
Anyway, managed to find the chest. Luckily, it was a container chest. Managed to get our loot in. Had Blender run out to the ship and search for any ships before we bring the chest onboard. He saw nothing. It was smooth sailing back to the outpost.
—
Glad it all worked out at the end. Sure, there was that… ‘sudden stop’, but we didn’t give up. I’m glad my mind didn’t give up. I reminded myself what Orion and Kovo would say and how “that’s normal. Part of the game”. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt giving it another go was worth it.

Later that evening (in VRChat), was talking to Orion about the ordeal. He believes the ones that raided us were streamers, and around the time we played was when they’re mostly active. So… good to know. Makes sense.  Note not to play SoT after 7pm.
He also said I should’ve used a tactic called “kegging”– strapping a bunch of powder keys to the front of the ship and rammed them. After I do, set off the kegs. This would had caused fire to their ship (but also mine). But I’m no underhanded pirate. …I dunno.

I’m getting to that point I’m posting less and less now, as you can see. Sure there’s been a lot of news but most of it I’ve been too fed up of trying to think of funny titles for the segments (that I haven’t used before).
Two things stand out here, which have before– the cat, and Blender. And also having issues with our toilet (which may play into this) First off, the cat as that’s more important news. She stopped coming in my room, and has been staying in my old room instead. And also she has been getting.. worse. As in, she isn’t wanting to drink water anymore and my mother is convinced the cat has kidney failure. At least that’s what she thought, but thankfully the cat actually used the litter box and it was urine. My mother has been giving her Cat Milk; a milk-like cream that’s easy on a cat’s digestion.
I also came up with a possible theory why the cat isn’t drinking. About a week ago I was doing my thing and my mother was washing dishes. Started to hear the toilet bubble. Ran in, and then told mother about it. She stopped using the sink and the water in the toilet drained almost immediately after.
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It happened later that evening. This time I took a plunger.. trying to pop the damn air bubble. Toilet almost overflowed but I was able to stop it just intime, and it seemed like at the time the bubble finally burst. …But that was only the beginning of our problems when she woke me up the day later, telling me to call some random number as I was still very sleepy and didn’t know what the fuck was going on. She said the front yard was flooded with sewage water. Ohh fuck.
So we got my mother’s water company out here and they got the problem out. It was roots in the pipe (as it happens once every other year). Yet the person never did a test to make sure the water was safe to drink. Had me a bit paranoid when I needed an Alka-Seltzer. But I smelled the water and I didn’t smell anything abnormal. As far as we know, the water is safe. Though for some reason I believe this is linked to why the cat won’t drink. So I suggested to my mother that she’d use filtered water instead. And it seems my theory might not just be a theory, but fact. Maybe she smells something wrong with the water that we don’t (or can’t). Suggested we’d get them out here again to do a test just to make
sure (and to ease my mind).

Right, so the second thing is Blender and I are now officially a thing. But I’m hoping and praying this helps to spice up our relationship more. But this isn’t the only thing with Blender I wanted to talk about.
The second thing is, last week was not a good time for him. He was (and I do
say ‘was’ as that’s (thankfully) no longer an issue for him anymore) having issues with his computer suddenly shutting down and restarting; mainly when playing VRChat or even doing Unity work. Many of his tech friends said “it’s a failing PSU”, including Shaw. I had my doubts and wanted Blender to run some stress tests. …But everything pointed to the PSU. And to make matters worse, the problem was getting worse. Plug he can’t do anything about it as his mother won’t allow him to have access to his own money. Being the kind person I am, I said “I’ll buy you a new PSU”. He was shocked I offered and
feeling “you don’t have to do this”. ..Hun, I love you. Plus, I’m not just doing this for you. I’m doing this for us, as this damn PSU you have is keeping me from being with you.
All I needed though, is him to do some research by asking his friends on how much wattage he needs and what brand of PSU he wants.
Then I finally showed him what I currently have to one of his friends, and an 80 PLUS Gold version of it. The friend felt it was a good deal. So finally we had a PSU. Now I just needed the 3 digits on the back of his mother’s cred– erm I mean his mailing address.
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Entered it in and paid for it. Said it would arrive by the 12th. In the meantime I told him not to use any high drain apps to give his computer some time to live.
It was the 9th, and I felt sorry for him. Decided to hop on VR and then call him, then share my screen and I can be his eyes and ears. Told him he could tell me which friends of
mine (that he’s friends with) does he want to see. He had me see Shaw first. Shaw wasn’t too happy at Blender for him giving me his mailing address, feeling he could had gone to his post office instead. But I told him as he was going AFK that I can be trusted.
While I waited for Shaw to get back, asked Blender “are you able to go to your post office though? ..Maybe Shaw was right, and that would had been safer for you.” He said it’s too far from him, and his mother likely wouldn’t let him go by himself. So, looks like I made the right call afterall.
He got the PSU a day earlier than scheduled. I (sort of) helped him, though he mainly did the work himself re-remembering how to install one. After it was installed, he showed me what he did and I took a look at it. He did a me of plugging the wrong plug into his graphics card which I told him to fix (reminding him what happened when I did that). And after he did, I had him only plug in the power cable and press the Power button on his case for 5 seconds to de-static charge the PSU safely into the wall (to properly ground it).
–
He started it normally after following my instructions. Saw it go past POST and I’m jumping for joy. Then there was this really, really, really long black screen event until finally his Windows 10 screen pops up. Nearly had a heart attack, then asked
him “wait.. are you using an HDD as your boot drive?” He said “yes”.
..Okay, now it makes sense! Geezus I forgot how ridiculously slow a computer boots with an HDD compared to an SSD. He really needs to get one.
—
Outside of that, it seemed as if Blender went into a very Jero-like route of acting like I don’t exist anymore, by not even asking if I’m OK and stuff like that. It was near 11pm when I had enough and called him out on it. He wasn’t trying to ignore me afterall. He just never had Discord opened. Which begs the question of why not.. especially when it comes to us. But the more I ranted, the more I felt this was going nowhere. But like Blender, I don’t want the relationship to end either. So I thought that maybe just maybe if we became an official thing, it could be the adrenaline shot we need.
…But to tell you the truth, I don’t think it’s going to help (at all). And the problem is.. is the fact there’s not a lot of “oompf” of trying to spice this relationship up. He expects me to be calling the shots when it comes to it, yet I don’t really want to as I’m scared this will cause me to feel I’m ‘controlling’ him. Instead I’d rather have him be all “hey hun I’m bored, do you feel like playing/doing X?” The only thing he says is “I have nothing to do” and in a way I feel “what do you want me to do about it? If you wanna do something, tell me what you wanna do.”
He doesn’t have good social skills, and I dunno if that’s something that can be trained. Plus he tends to forget things (mainly, things I say). For example, I said how we could play Sea of Thieves and he ends up forgetting the next day. Which makes me sort of feel “I guess he’s not that interested afterall”. I dunno. I’d just rather like it if he was the one speaking up instead of myself all the time.