Benie's General Blog

“Why.. do I still. feel. doubts?!”
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Love Drama’

I hate my brain, so much. For months, I’ve been having unending feelings with Jero. I finally have him back… yet I still feel doubts when around him.
Yesterday, I asked him a ‘simple’ question: “does this mean we’re officially dating now? I’m fine with it being unofficial (if you need time to think), just saying.”
No response.

I just feel he’s doing it again; not being transparent with me. But, I actually saw him in VRChat later that evening (in a public instance). Got there, it was a small group with friends of his (including Ph Mcstuffin). I was hugging and kissing him, and he was responding as I would expect.

Maybe he just didn’t see what I sent him in Discord..? Or, didn’t know how to respond to
it (and would rather show me ingame)? Either is possible.
Suppy joins, meets Jero and they’re talking about each-other’s avatars. Jero
says “someone said I look like a monster energy drink”. While hugging him, I said “well you’re my monster energy drink!” And I got a pretty good response from that. No doubts there.
–
Later on, we were snuggling tightly by the mirror when he suddenly left. Doubt #2 came when I saw him ‘online’ yet he wasn’t messaging me to let me know what happened. I asked him “what’s wrong?”, and 5 minutes later (in another world as this one was getting really packed and doing a number on my FPS), he came back and told me what had happened; something about a hard lock on his computer. Hmm. Seemed to not affect Discord (as it showed you online on your computer, not phone). Suspicious. But, ehh. Glad you’re back, sweetie. 🙂 He did warn me that it might happen again, something about having very high temps on his CPU (of his laptop). Yes, he plays VR on a
laptop.
Most of that time, was really good. But as I said, it just… I dunno. I think it’s just my feelings and they need to stop fucking with me, but at times it’s like Jero looked like he was almost forcing himself to love me. Whenever I said how I loved him so much (over this is what I have wanted for MANY… MANY months), he’s all “you too”.
It– just didn’t feel sincere. Maybe with time, it’ll get better? ..Or worse, whichever the two. Let’s just pray the latter doesn’t happen.

I just– I want to be able to proudly say “Jero is my baby! :D”. It’ll likely take time. As for the now, to try and rid myself of these doubts; just focus on being with him.. making him happy. That, is what I should be focusing on.
Not myself.. HIM!! He is the one that needs to be happy (with me). These doubts are only going to hold back from being truly happy with him.
—
Oh, and I managed to get my claws on his old model again (from Kat). Surprisingly, she had no problem sending me the file… though I had to lie to avoid the truth (that it was because of Chris), by saying I had reinstalled Windows 10 and forgot to backup the data.
I’m glad I waited ’till the weekend to ask her.
Just have to re-remember how I did it… as I purposely removed all blog posts and pictures related to him. Might make it into a brand new project (for the dances and stuff), since of how much it fucked up BTD 2.0’s Dutchie tail. Just have to install Final IK and all of that other stuff.

Later that night, I asked Jero if he wanted to go see a movie or two. Said he had to
go “really soon”, something about driving for a very long time… and also I think he said he was going to move into a new house (or something like that).
Stayed with him for as long as I could, but also wondering at what time he had to go. Someone came up to us and asked if we were chilling. I looked at Jero and said “yep, I’m chilling with my sweetie!” I was sort of waiting for Jero to say the same thing, yet he didn’t. Mmm. That kind of bothered me. But again this is probably the way he is. He expresses true love, differently than what I would expect. But it’s not like he doesn’t (at all).
Then came the time when he said he has to go. Cuddling me, “Nighty night, Benie” he says. “Nighty night, Jero. Love you!” I said. “You too” he says.
And this happened for.. 15 minutes. He didn’t want to get off. He wanted to be with
me, and that is so sweet. 🙂
Finally he did, Fluffy came on, and we left to go see that movie.
=============================================================

Am I the reason for the fights with Fluffy?
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’
Now in the movie world, Before I started it, I wanted to tell Fluffy four things that had happened;
1. How I told Suppy the truth about Jero and myself.
2. How Suppy met Jero and seemed alright with me being happy with him.
..That second thing is what started drama, with Fluffy asking “meeting him, like in IRL?” Uhh. Fluffy…. how long have you known me? “7 months” he said. NO, that’s NOT what I meant!! ..Ugh. Fluffy, you should KNOW I can’t meet anyone IRL!! You should know this!
–
Yet instead of apologizing, he’s all “I’m just here to have fun, and not fight” which only made the situation worse. He has trouble using the right words.. and with how I easily take offense when it comes to topics like this..
“Fluffy, there will never be peace when you do these things!” I said. UGH. Now I felt bad for what I said. But god DAMNIT, Fluffy! WHY do you got to make me argue with you?!
He wanted to know what he did wrong, acting confused.

WHY do you test my patience like this?!?! Claims he has changed, and again all he wants to do is have fun. Then I asked him “do you even remember the story with Suppy?” He’s
all “no I do not.” …I don’t feel repeating myself right now!! I can’t HANDLE YOU!! And that’s when he left the instance.
*facepalm* Ugh. Fluffy, I’m sorry. Actually, you know.. I got a blog. You wanna know, then please read it. He came back and I assume he was reading it. Then all the sudden I hear him crying and then left again. Ok, what the fuck did I do this time?
I’m forced to take off my headset and and check my phone, and see him all “you…have… no…heart!!” ..Ok, where in the hell did THIS come from?! I didn’t use those words (obvious reasons). Yet he wouldn’t give me an answer.
Ugh. Fluffy, why!? I want to watch my damn movie! I never said this, but I felt it. And finally he’s all “I’m sorry you’re right, I’m going to bed. Love you”.
…Wtf is wrong with that kid? I swear.

What a crazy evening it was (that stretched into the morning). So crazy that I don’t know how to start without immediately revealing what this post is about.
Started as a ‘wrong’ that became a ‘right’… then another ‘wrong’ (though I wasn’t thinking straight).
Right, let’s begin.. with Jero. There’s something I’ve been feeling since Day 3 of being able to talk to him again; and that is noticing a ‘lack’ of being able to hang out with him. Wednesday night, he was in VRChat (but AFK). I never saw him on the next night (only hanging out in General chat of Kovo’s Discord).
I asked him if he simply had a busy day. He said no, that it’s been “a lazy day” and he just wants to chill. You could chill with me (in VRChat), you know? But, ehh. It’s good to speak to you, though. It’s better than nothing. 🙂
But… my stupid fear was taking over my thoughts. I feared that this is going to be the only way I’ll ever hear his voice anymore. I have to… do something.
So, I made another .rtf (WordPad) text document. This one I really poured my heart and soul into. I said I was scared I would ‘lose’ this “window of opportunity” to get back together with him again; that he’s gonna find someone else. Stupid I know, but that’s what my mind does to me!! Ugh. 😛

I finished the document by asking him to say one word — ‘tunafish’–, to let me know he read it all. I decided not to send it immediately. I wanted to wait ’till some time after he got back from work. Yet I ended up sending it at 5 in the afternoon for him (1pm my time). Though from my observations, he doesn’t become active until 7pm or so my time. So he’s a bit of an night owl (of his time).
Getting ready to go to Burger King (as I always do), I expected him to say: “awww bennie, I will never leave you : )” when he reads it.
Later that night, I was watching a movie that he had mentioned by name of being based off of a true story; ‘Grave of The Fireflies’. A bit morbid of a title, and the movie is even worse.. it’s based off of the rear end of WWII (where America is about to show Japan that it’s not OK to bomb one of their ships, by nuking two of their cities).
But, unlike Spec Ops: The Line (which is a fictional game)… this actually
happened; innocent civilians being targeted and killed, by the Americans. It really “hit me in the feels”. Jero told me how it traumatized him for a week (how he couldn’t leave his house).
—
Anyway, back to the document. Halfway into the movie…


…Oh. my! HE READ IT ALL!! Shocked and happy and the same time, I patiently waited for him to say something. And he said, a LOT. I’ve never seen him so transparent with
me. I’ve learned a lot about him (that I will not be sharing in here), even when he was talking about what I said in the document (how I have no car and can’t meet anyone
IRL), he’s completely fine with it. As I said before, folks.. I found ‘the one’ when it came to Jero.
There were however, a few times where it looked like he was about ready to tell
me: “Benie, you’re really sweet, but my life is too messed up for me to say yes. It would be better off if you found someone else.”
Yet I was ready for it. This is just like RedFox (with a bit of Cola mixed in). I was planning to say “I will love you nomatter what happens.” I was ready to say the same thing to Jero (and did).
He said “thanks bennie for giving me a chance”.
…Does this mean we’re officially online dating again!? I cannot say for sure, so I’ll say we are unofficially online dating. He then tells me of when he saw me pop up in that
world, that he really wanted to talk to me. And when he saw me disappear, how his heart really sank. 🙁 Poor thing.
..I’m so glad I reappeared, and I explained the reason why I had to leave (because of Chris). Then he says “I missed u so badly”… oh no, I’m about ready to cry.

…I MISSED YOU EVEN MORE!! :’) I swear Jero, I will make you so happy. I want to give you a reason to live!! You gave me one, when you entered my life!
I love you, and I will never stop loving you (nomatter what you do). 😀 And he said “I love you too!”

That’s literally what I did when I was watching the movie; throwing my fists in the air with a huge grin on my face.
I look back at this, and I feel somewhat glad I was worried. The only reason I sent him
this, I know him quite well (especially now, how he opened up to me like that). I wasn’t worried he was going to say “this is too early, we just met. Don’t rush it.” I know Jero too well for that. I know he’s hurting, and I want to do my best to be there, to make that pain go away. It’s a win-win for me. 🙂

…That was, until Suppy showed up (and somehow fell inlove with me).

OH shit! This is bad, this is really bad.
–
He wanted to get to know me more. And shockingly, he wasn’t turned off about how I’m
43, living with my parents, don’t have an actual life, and get paid sitting on my ass.. it actually turned him on, saying how he’s into older guys, and how he “loves my voice, loves the way I walk”. Loves everything about me. Claims I’m his type.. even though he has no type. Erm.. this is bad!!
I was sadly forced to tell him about Jero. Buuuuttt, I ‘stretched the truth’ by making it where Jero came up to me after 7 months and wanting to get back to me (instead of the other way around). I felt I had to, so he wouldn’t see I wanted to get back together with Jero. And boy do I regret lying like that. 😐
Claimed he’s “happy for me”, yet he doesn’t stop talking about how much he loves
me (and wanting me to fuck him and stuff). He’s all “those others never knew how hot you are!! OH MY GOD you’re so HOT!!”
…What should I do about this?! Well obviously I’m going to stay true to Jero, put my foot down and say “I’m sorry but I can’t. I know you find me hot and awesome, and appreciate all the nice things you’ve said to me. But I have to stay true to Jero. I’m sorry that you’re alone, but.. I cannot go any further, I’m really sorry.”

My baby = Jero
I got her, and she got me = I got him, and he got me
Oh ‘baby’, no ‘baby’, you got me all wrong ‘baby’ = (‘baby’ replaced with Suppy)
—
But Suppy being inlove with me, isn’t what worries me the most… it’s if I get on, Jero gets on… and Suppy joins us. THAT, is what scares me. Because I fear Suppy’s going to be all “so you’re Jeromeah. Nice to meet you! Heard you wanted to get back with him.”
And then Jero will be all (while looking at me)…

And I will be all…

And it’s because of the lie of saying Jero wanted to get back with me (when the opposite is true).
I have to tell Suppy the truth before it’s too late.

Slow day, pretty busy night. Was another one of those days where I was too busy working on a blog post to join VRChat (trying to think of words that happened a day ago is hard.. not to mention trying to make them as truthful of what happened).
So let’s start off what happened yesterday, with Jero being found in an unexpected place for most of the evening.
==============================================================

“Wait, Jero’s in general chat??”
Categories: ‘Personal’
Couldn’t think of a proper title for this one. Working on a blog post, look over at general chat in Kovo’s Discord.. and see Jero there! I’ve never seen him in a voice chat. Wonder if he’s becoming more active because of me. I mean, he never did before.
Anyway, that’s where I was for the remainder of the evening (all the way to 11:15pm, which is when he left). But for most of the day, I chilled with him, Kovo, Stylez, and a lot of the others. There were of course really funny parts (with Stylez and Nova
playing COD: Zombies, and Stylez is all “I’m going to cream the zombies with my big black D**K!!”), and wanting to give them “the black guy treatment”. Um.. okay.
One time, I catch Jero sounding like one of those old time gang members. Hilarious.
10pm, Kovo’s getting tired and Nova’s getting.. horny (yet doesn’t want to admit it). And the most hilarious thing this year was said by Nova, how she wants Kovo to give her walkies.
Kovo adds on, saying “I OWN Nova! She is my BITCH!” I know he was joking about that.
11:15PM, things are somewhat quieting down. Jero had himself muted and deafened for a good hour before leaving the chat.
Followed him ingame.. once again he’s in a public world. Ahh Jero, you’re never gonna learn. When I joined him, he’s AFK. Thinking he’s 6 hours ahead of me, I assumed he’s getting ready for bed.
===================
Bit of a bonus segment here!
===================
As I try to think of what I could do (without him, and with not many online that I wouldn’t mind joining off of), a few randoms join the instance. One of them is moving through the ground, with the other actually confused as to why they’re able to pull it off.
I said “he’s got full body”. The guy stops, turns to me and says “actually no. I’m using fake trackers”. …Wait, WHAT?! The very thing that I can’t get working with WMR?!
DUDE!! Could you help me with that?!
Said he has an Oculus, and was actually confused why it wouldn’t work for me. Then he asked something about an issue with the controllers.. uhh. I’m not sure? Said that I can swap the trackers to get it working. Uh, ok. Sure. I’m confused.
Anyway, I decided to go watch a movie (by myself), feeling that when Jero gets back, he’ll join just to say he’s going to bed. Sadly, he never did.. as he was AFK for 3 hours.
=============================================================

The hidden (friendship) rift (between Kovo and Wufy)
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’
This thing with Wufy not liking what Kovo said (even though he was only joking, it went a bit too far). Kovo doesn’t deny that he fucked up, but he also doesn’t want to deal with this.
He also feels everyone’s forcing him to like the model. But this is the other thing.. I can’t get him to sift through if the reason is or isn’t fueled by the hatred for Lich and Jusper of what they did last April. How am I supposed to help the two out, when I don’t know the full story here?
Both seem to see themselves as the victim; Wufy wanting Kovo to wake up about it. And Kovo, as I said, is tired of this. But why? …I found out this afternoon (a few minutes after turning my computer on). It seems for 6 months, Wufy has had Kovo blocked in Discord.
Wow. Um…

6 months.. could it be the shitstorm that happened with Wufy and Frost.. and Kovo finding out (which caused Frost not to trust anyone outside of his social group)? I mean, if it’s
that, then.. um. Wufy, you mentioned about how Kovo needs to move on. What about yourself, huh? I feel there’s more to this.
And I’m glad (for once in my life), that I had my doubts about this. Wufy discredited the claim, but admits he has blocked him a few times.. yet never for 6 months (as Kovo claimed).
It seems Kovo is delusional, thinking Wufy not talking to him, that he was “blocked”. Wufy even showed proof that Kovo never was. And all I can say to them, is I hope that with
time, this would either be forgotten or dealt with properly.
==============================================================

Indirectly learned about drowsee
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Love Drama’
I watched Coco, a movie based on an ancient Mexican tradition in November; The Day of The Dead, where you lead your past family to their pictures (how the dead can come back).
It’s also based off of a slightly dysfunctional family, of the wife being inlove with her husband that played music. But one day, the husband left without a trace, and the wife saw this as a ‘curse’.. to ban all music in the family. And to cope with the loss, she became a shoemaker (and became quite successful, and passed this on to her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, to where the entire family only focused on making shoes.. except for one boy, who didn’t want to follow the family tradition. He wanted to play music, against the wishes of his family.
–
It was a very interesting movie, really enjoyed it. It also shows that in Mexico, there is no Heaven or Hell; only ‘The Land of The Dead’ (with spirit animals leading them). And only one night of the year, they’re allowed to cross the gap into the land of the living to see their loved ones (but only if they don’t forget them, by forgetting to put their picture up).
—
Anyway, I was surprised to see Jero still online (and in the same world). It was 1:30 in the morning, so obviously he forgot to turn off his computer.
But I did join him (and no-one was there). So I said a ‘few’ things to him (knowing he wasn’t there and I’m only ‘talking to a dead body’ as Wufy said). Gave him a kiss and then checked my friends list. Saw drowsee was online (and joinable).. in Rusty’s world, so I went there. Loading in, I remembered being here with Cola a few times (when the group still existed). So, bad memories. 🙁
Drowsee is at spawn (but didn’t see me). I waited for them to, and finally did. Gave me a huge hug and kisses. We went to the mirror and snuggled for awhile, then they turned around and ran over to a small Nanachi with dragon wings.
Then, there was someone named ‘Moonlight Quill 5a4c’ who just got from AFK, and started calling drowsee his “sweetie”. I actually smiled when I heard this (relieved that they have a BF, because it avoids drama). As he talked, I suddenly saw drowsee’s voice activity flash with them briefly speaking.
Drowsee is a guy, and he sounds quite old (possibly in his mid-20’s, over how deep his voice is). I stayed for awhile, then left to another part of the world where I could quickly write down what I had learned about him. When I was done, I was thinking of joining another friend. But I decided to go back to spawn and see if I could learn a bit more about him.
Sure enough, I did. I watched drowsee hugging and kissing other Best Bois at spawn, and then the BF spoke up saying how he “loves to give kisses”. Since the BF seems OK with
it, this tells me that drowsee is either (possibly) in an open relationship or a poly.
I then saw drowsee jump up to the top of the buildings, with the BF following him.
Very glad I now know more about him (no longer feel I’m going too far). I don’t really have to worry as much.
Anyway, him leaving was my queue to go see another friend. But moments after I
joined, he left sadly. Did see another friend there: Novice, but I was too shy to say hi to the Nanachi pack he was talking to.

==============================================================
An unwanted lewd ‘friend’
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
A bit of lore to this before I start: this was about the same time when I was talking to Wufy about Jero and Fluffy the day before. As I’m talking, we kept getting people wanting to come over and say hi. One of them was a black Shiba named ‘Suppy’ who immediately started asking some very strange questions to us. Then I got a friend request. Felt he was cool enough, so I accepted it. Then I heard him say to Wufy “he’s going to regret this mistake”.. and he was sooooooooo right. But of how high a level am I going to regret
it, remains to be seen (as of now).
All I can say is.. he’s worse than Fluffy. Where Fluffy’s bad (randomly asking if I wanna do it), this guy has no boundaries of being lewd with anyone he meets.
–
Going back to the present of where I was, I backed away from this small group hoping Novice would see me. Then suddenly Suppy joins and I run as fast as I can. Turn around and Novice was right there behind me.
We talked for awhile, then Suppy runs up to us and sees Novice. He starts talking about this ‘Hopkins’ model (the one Blue has, the one with the rabbit-like ears) and how
they’re “designed to be lewd as fuck”. I could see Novice trying to explain himself, but Suppy kept interrupting him.

Then Novice said how his display crashed, so he would have to restart SteamVR. Suppy said how he would “take good care” of me until he returns. Then we went to this other world with avatars. There was a row of dragons from Spyro here, and him asking me which one I would like to see him as. Having never played any Spyro game, I didn’t know any of these characters. I was also feeling quite disturbed how he was kissing me.
At the mirror, he was hugging and kissing me over and over. I was nervously
laughing, praying he would go AFK or something (for me to get away from
him)..especially when he said how he wanted to grab my balls. WTF.. we just met yesterday!
Novice joined as he kept kissing me, telling me how cute I am. I looked at Novice, praying he could get me out of this mess (but said nothing). I was forced to retreat back to my home world and do an emergency meeting with Novice over this.
I also saw Wufy on (who had joined the same world I just left from), and invited him too. I felt very uncomfortable, shivering (only wanting to run away from Suppy as far as I
could).
Novice joined, immediately apologizing for not trying to stop Suppy. Then Wufy joined. With the two here, we talked about a new side of Novice.. where he once showed a slight lewd side. Because Suppy mentioned Novice being in a threesome with him.
Novice did confirm it, but he said it was an “‘indirect’ threesome”. I’m not sure how that works. Who this third guy is, I forgot their name (a LOT was said).
–
As for myself, Novice said the best way to deal with Suppy.. is to unfriend and block him. Said a lot have tried telling him to stop being lewd, but he doesn’t listen. But, he warns me that Suppy might try to join off of my friends to get to me, but doesn’t believe he’s a stalker. So I did, and feel better for doing so. He makes me feel very uncomfortable.

EDIT: I forgot to block him on Discord, and he just apologized to me. He had no idea that I felt very uncomfortable.
Really…? Was the nervous laughter not a sign of feeling uncomfortable? ..Apparently not. But I have forgiven him as it feels his words are sincere (or will when I unblock and refriend). Hopefully we can be proper friends.
EDIT2: I dunno what’s going on with him, but he’s all “you don’t have to friend me, we see eachother constantly”. Well, that’s kind of a lie, because I only knew you for like two days. But I told him a little bit about myself (when he wanted to chill with me at 3 in the morning when I was working on edits to this).

I do not know how to properly title this without ‘revealing spoilers’, but something completely unexpected happened yesterday evening. So I’ll let you folks try to guess who I’m talking about. And, no cheating by skimming through this post until you find the name.
Since the group is no more, I’ve been trying to enjoy myself (and failing, staying away from friends). But since I got that particle system, I have something to show my friends that I’m excited about. Though before that, I’ve (indirectly) started hanging with Sparky.
Checking out the world ‘Avatar Collections’; featuring 10,000 public avatars all in one world (old and new). A quarter of them no longer are accessible, though.
Sparky joined this world and we hanged out for awhile, then he showed me some other avatar worlds.. one of them were these pool toy avatars. Sparky grabbed a yellow
Sergal, and I grabbed a red dragon. He told me that a lot of people are going to see this as incredibly cute.
–
Sparky had to go to bed at this time, leaving me alone. I went to go see Scooby who just got online. I had that pool toy red dragon, and it seemed he was right. Someone named ‘-Stray-‘ saw me and started cuddling me. What scared me a bit is he sounded almost like Fluffy (of the way he talked). He showed me his other shiba avatar (a shiba in a tux). He never used Blender, clever texturing to make it look 3D. Damn good job there.
We were at the mirror, and I felt that warmth as he was holding and snuggling me. Yet at the same time, I was telling myself..

“Don’t even THINK about a relationship! Think friendship!!” And the next day, I’m glad I didn’t. The way he sounds, he could be in his mid-20’s and likely has a job and a car. He’s out of my league! Plus I did overhear him that he was in college.
Stopped seeing him as much, but I still had drowsee. And wow what a day that was (the day before yesterday). It felt pretty magical. Yet I tell myself “they could be underaged. You have to ask them for it, and their gender. And you got to do it today!”
I was going to do that (when I see them online). But right now I’m being ‘forced’ to go to bed by Ruffy (more on this later).

Now we move to yesterday (the main event). Saw -Stray- on and went to go see him (to show him my new particle toy). Load in, turn myself around… I see a very familiar
name. A name, I was told to avoid. A name, for 6 months, I couldn’t stop thinking about.
It was… Jero.


I didn’t even have time to think, I HAD to get out of there!! If Chris sees me, I’m FUCKED!!
I don’t remember where I went (or who I saw), but it was about 3 hours later when I joined the world again (hoping to talk to -Stray-, and Jero wouldn’t be there). Loaded
in, turned.. he’s still here! SHIT! Ran away again, I’m hearing someone calling my name as I’m running away, stop and turn around. Jero’s right behind me.
“Um… hey, Jero.” I said, feeling slightly nervous speaking to someone Chris told me never to talk to, yet he looked as nervous as I was (maybe even more). Tried to relax (not seeing Chris around) and asked how he was doing. Said he was fine. Then I asked him “how are you and Chris doing?”
He shook his head no, said “it’s over between us”. A sudden feeling of shame filled my mind, knowing I caused this.. because I couldn’t let go of the memories.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry!… I hope it wasn’t because of me.” I said.

…But he said: “no, it wasn’t”..

“…HUH?! REALLY?!”
He explained that it turned out they weren’t compatible (or something like that. I can’t remember word-for-word what he said). But to show respect, I never asked when it happened.
As we talked, suddenly my mind was all…

“Huh.. now that the group is gone, I could take this as a window of opportunity to get back with him!! ..Holy FUCK!! YES!!! I have to ask Kat for that model again!”
But I also told myself..

“Don’t even fucking BRING IT UP that you want to get back together with him!! Let it come natural, like it should had in the first place.” He then apologized for what I went through with Chris, wanting to take the blame… and even possibly for the doubts that lead to us breaking up. Wow, this is huge. This is the first time he actually blamed himself for this! …Could there actually be hope that we might get back together?
I also apologized for not letting him go for 6 months. But again, he said it was his fault. He didn’t want me to feel any blame for this. Well, I’m sorry Jero, but I have to correct you on this. Even though the doubts did cause our downfall (and the formation of the group), not letting go of those memories.. isn’t your fault.

I told him about how the group is no more, how Blue’s with Cola, Fluffy’s.. well (I didn’t really want to bring that up, but he said Fluffy has talked to him). And I didn’t bring up Red (because.. ehh. Not a big deal). When the guy never messages me in Discord
anymore, I don’t really care for him anymore. Plus, he’s perfectly fine without me.
Also told him how I’m trying to stay away from love drama. Says he can fully understand me, with him 30 years old and with no relationship. He’s bothered by it, but it doesn’t let it get in the way.
He too is (or well was) a loner. And when I told him about “who would want a 43 year old who lives with their parents, and gets paid sitting on their ass?” Told me that living by yourself is even worse (to be happy I have my parents). I am, in ways. I feel safe in my house with my father having so many weapons and ready to defend us.
But also feeling independent (not dealing with my father when I want to be lewd in VRChat one night) would also be nice.
–
Asked if I could friend him. Said he was about to ask me the same thing (and did). I’ve also unblocked and re-friended him in Discord. Thank the maker I no longer have to keep him blocked!
–
Tried to show him my particles, but he wouldn’t see them. Rather odd. Stylez was also there at the time, and he didn’t see them either. We went to The Box (Ninja suggested this), but again it wouldn’t show up. This time, Stylez was seeing it at spawn instead of my hands, so was Dorrivix. But other friends were able to see the particles just fine…
Very strange! Drowsee the day before, saw my particles perfectly. So did another
friend.
Stylez suggested I ask DG, saying he’s messed with these ‘GPU Particles’ and might be able to help me make it where it can be seen by everyone. Hopefully he can.
In the meantime, I snuggled Jero tightly. I could see him really enjoying it. How I miss those green eyes (and that chuckle), so much.

We then went to go see some movies in the world I was in a few days before Christmas. The world’s UI got a facelift. It’s no longer movable, but it features something no other movie world I’ve seen.. has– actual images of the box art of every movie (to clearly see what the movie is about). I’m definitely coming back here, as they got a lot of the Studio Chibi manga’s (even ones I’ve never seen listed in the other movie world)!!
They even have Cars 3! Holy shit! I know what I’m gonna be doing tomorrow. They also fixed it where playing a movie no longer freezes up my VR headset (it’s gotten majorly optimized since Christmas).
Very happy with that! This almost makes me want to donate $5 for the nice updates, as the person encoding the videos and stuff has to purchase more space to keep the world going.

.
To see Jero again, this is pretty huge. Honestly, I should do my best to play my cards right.
I feel I’ve been given another chance at this.. at least I hope I’m right. Claims he’s got no-one, yet who’s to say he would even be interested in me again?

Telling myself this would be very beneficial to me. Let’s not rush things– not be scared he’s going to leave if I don’t ‘claim’ him. Because if he is interested, he’ll be jumping at the chance (especially the fact I don’t have the group anymore).
The only problem might be Frost’s group. What if he sticks to it (like he did with Chris)? That would completely ruin any chance of a relationship. And if it does, I have to accept this. I have to be happy for him.
Would be immature to be asking him at this time (if he’s going to stick to that plan). Just play it out, be myself, and see what happens. That’s all I can do right now.
Do NOT blow this possible chance to be happy!

…Creepery isn’t dead?!
So, this one is pretty huge. The day before yesterday, I finally played VRChat since 2020 rolled in. So that would be the first time I put on my headset this year. But this means nothing when I noticed something in the three friend groups I have set up (with one now cleaned out)… Creepery’s avatar, changed!! HE’S STILL ALIVE!! 😀

Is this a sign that he’s coming back to VRChat?! Even yesterday, I saw the avatar
change again. This is very promising. I hope one of these times, I can get on and see them on (just to either confirm or deny it’s actually him). Because if it is… we have so much to catch up on.
==================================================
When your own words for Fluffy, affect yourself
Yet another one of those sub-topics that I really don’t want to talk about (but I have to). But I can say, that this is the last post you’ll see of the love drama category. This blog is part of the reason why I wanted to be done with love. But like drama, love wants to pull me into its web of pain and sadness.
I’ve been talking to a friend I met a few weeks ago, named “drowsee”; typically a white Best Boi with antlers (that is a mute). Don’t even know their age or gender, but they feel I’m really cute and likes cuddling me. I want to get to know them more (of course), yet I want to distance myself from them at the same time (knowing either they’re going to be underaged, or in their 20’s).
It’s usually the case for VRChat. Extremely rare to find someone closer to my
age (especially one that will tolerate how I have to limit the relationship to online only).
–
Yet at the same time, I’m forgetting there is also a thing called “friends-with-benefits”. So even if I find out they’re of legal age and interested in me more than a friend, a relation-ship likely won’t work afterall (unless they also don’t have a life, but that’s somewhat rare).

To describe the rest that I’m feeling, I keep avoiding having to hug and snuggle people. I’ve been also trying to stay out of VRChat as long as I can, claiming I’m “bored” to my
friends (to the point I feel like uninstalling it to prevent myself from joining).
It really feels dumb to me, but I’m “scared” of my feelings wanting another relationship and dealing with more love drama.
Feel I can never say the word “love” ever again. In other words, I guess I’m trying
to ‘reverse-engineer’ Cola’s shell to use it for myself (to feel nothing towards love that leads to a relationship).
I want to delibertly not feel love in this form, for the rest of my life (just like Cola did before I broke him out of his shell). This is not because of what happened with Blue, or with Fluffy.. but with myself and myself only. I doubt asking Cola himself would do much good for me, as he’ll probably ask me “why would you want to do that?”
–
But I feel what I wanna do is impossible (to force myself not to show love more than friendship). The only true way, is to avoid it altogether. Though avoiding VRChat only causes friends to miss me. No, I have to use self-control– be willing to say “I’m sorry, but I can’t”. It’ll hurt yes, but that’s what self-discipline is.

God damnit, Onion. You’re supposed to be a place of satire news.. not true news. 😛 Yesterday was bad (ingame in Subnautica and in Discord), plus I feel this day is going to be more than just “slightly” of the worse… but it all depends on how Fluffy reacts to
a .rtf text document I sent him (to avoid Discord’s aggressive 2,000 character limit).
In the contents of this document, I explained how A: Blue and Cola are now a thing and the group has been disbanded. And B: How myself and Fluffy shouldn’t be a thing.
–
Apparently I assumed wrong when I thought Fluffy had seamlessly moved on from me and was looking for love again, as he sent another pic of his.. genitals and wanted to do it with me (while I was trying to not freak the fuck out when I’m seeing THIS thing coming for me of being in the Inactive Lava Zone, harvesting Kyanite deposits on the ocean floor)…

Oh HIII, Sea Dragon!! You don’t like me here, do y–?

OSHI– that definitely answers my question!! RUN!!

Hi, beautiful (that’s trying to vore me in my PRAWN Suit)! :O
Somehow I was able to dodge his attack with no damage to the suit.
==========================
…Anyway, back to what I was talking about (with Fluffy). I really doubt he’ll take my words to see that he needs to stop looking for love, but he might surprise me– who knows.
EDIT: Looks like I was right. And apparently (unfortunately).. he’s still on vacation in Mexico. I asked him yesterday if he was back, yet he didn’t say anything. Well, there’s really not much I can say, instead of myself having to put my foot down and get this over with.
He was more pissed off about Blue though, then of myself leaving him. But after telling him what Blue had told me, he was forced to realize it (just not fully). Then at one time he wanted to pull me back into to his ‘web’ of troubled love. He was even literally begging me to come back. Rather pathetic, and he nearly pulled me in. Stopped myself and fired back with “how many times did I ask you to change” for him to back off.
–
He’s talking about how he “can’t last anymore I wanna lock in with someone until the end..until I move on..” Fluffy, by normal means, you got a very, very, very very VERY very long life ahead of you! You’re going to outlive me!! Also, ‘lock in’? You really think love works like that?
Here you go Fluffy, some advice: you want an ever-lasting relationship? LEARN from
this (and your previous relationships)!! LEARN what you’re doing wrong and try to improve on it!! Yet you never fucking do! Both Aftershock and myself have tried so, so hard to hammer this into your head, yet you either refuse to understand or it never
clicks.
That is why of what you want, will never ever happen. What you want, requires lots of effort on your part.
EDIT2: Now he’s being full-on toxic, keeps denying that we’re over with by calling
me “sweetie”.. completely ignoring what I’m trying to say. He’s borderline about to get himself blocked if he keeps it up. Yet at the same time, I feel he’s going to do something he’s going to really regret.
EDIT3: Managed to defuse the situation by explaining that I didn’t want to do this, that I was hoping he would understand.. and it seems he finally does. I also apologized for telling him (anyway) when he was on vacation, and how I wanted to wait. But he says “it’s fine it would have been more depressing in home”. I doubt that, but mmm… it’s done.

I’ve said this before, and I’m gonna say this again; Fluffy’s a good guy, he just has a lot he needs to change before he ever has a long-lasting relationship (that he wants). Yet so do I. That’s why I personally gave up on love (finally realizing it’s more trouble than its
worth), and I’ve been begging him to do the same.
…But he’s young, inexperienced, and just doesn’t understand (nomatter how much I try to hammer it into his head.. just like Aftershock has tried and failed). And I just can’t do it anymore (neither can he).
So there’s a good chance I might block him anyway. I don’t want to, but it might be the only way for him to realize, he can’t keep doing what he’s doing.

This is going to be a very short post (though it’s also the first official post of 2020 in the General blog).
Was getting ready to play some more Subnautica solo (been playing it quite a lot the past 2 days) when I was checking the member list in Kovo’s Discord and saw Fluffy on with a message as his custom status;

The first thought I had was Blue must’ve told him about himself and Cola, but now I don’t think so. So I asked Fluffy what’s going on, and he said it’s meant as a warning that he’s not going to tolerate drama this year.

Because this is going to make things even harder on us (and yourself), with what myself and Blue have to say to you when you get back from your vacation in Mexico.

EDIT:

Um.. okay. Guess this means I don’t have to tell him that we can’t be lovers anymore. He literally solved the issue for me! But what the heck happened…? What happened to his Mexico vacation?
I think I may know, though. He asked me later today for Ninja’s Discord name.. yet wouldn’t tell me why he wanted the info again. It’s obvious something happened between the two (that ruined his vacation), I just wanted him to tell me what it was.
But I had to ask Ninja as he wouldn’t tell me, and he told me something that was assumed over with (yet clearly isn’t); Fluffy still having feelings for him, even though Ninja’s got a BF. He also wanted to ERP with him, but Ninja said no. Fluffy got pissed and unfriended him.. which is why he came to me.

Later that day, Wufy DMs me asking “what do you know about Fluffy?”

He’s telling me that Fluffy’s wanting to ERP with him too, calling him “cutie” and stuff.
My goodness, Fluffy…

.
…But you know? Go on Fluffy, keep calling all of my friends “cutie” and try to bang them. You’re making this a lot easier on both myself and Blue. Now neither of us have to tell you what’s on our minds. And best of all, Ruffy’s not asking me what’s going on with Fluffy.
I call this a win-win scenario (for both myself and Blue).

This post was originally made yesterday (aka last year) at 8pm. It has been completely re-wrote this year (as I wanted to get in VRChat to watch movies with Scooby).
So yeah, last post of 2019, and first edit of 2020 (and the new decade)!
—
At least, that was Scooby’s plan to count down to 2020 (yet he never messaged me in Discord). Was busy writing down things I wanted to do in my solo play of Raft (yes I’ve actually been playing that. Wufy did join me once, but not to help me progress, which is what I wanted. Gave me suggestions and stuff).
Anyway, Blue messages me as I’m watching one of the local news channels. They’re talking about a fatal crash near where he lives, and I asked him about it. Said it happened about a half an hour drive from him, so he’s alright (was never involved, being at home).
Tell him my New Year’s resolution: saying I’m going to try to get my driver’s license. Then he says something about “it involves cola but nothing bad”.
Thought he was talking about going to go buy a few cases of Coke-Cola and drink them down once 2020 arrives (something silly like that). But I was also confused, and asked what he meant.
He said “well lets just say i think his hearts finally opened up”… so it’s true of what I
said, that Cola loves him. And he’s trying to take Blue away from me.
I didn’t know what to say, but my selfish side pushed through.. saying “This is what you want. You wanted to be a bachelor and not deal with this love drama shit!” Yet at the same time I.. felt Blue had to make that choice that Cola asked me. But unlike Cola, I wanted to choose for him. Pick Cola, dude. I know you still have very strong feelings of love for me, but… I… hold on, let me explain before I continue. There are legitimate reasons why I’m ‘pushing him away’, and it’s ‘love’ in general.
1. Making the group a poly and blaming Ruffy for it, when it was myself for “not wanting to give up control”.
2. Fluffy (I don’t need to say anymore).
3. The shitstorm with Jero and Chris, that really didn’t need to happen if I had
fucking LET HIM GO SOONER…
4. Dating Ninja because I was unhappy with Fluffy (and wanting to call someone my own again).
I see disbanding the group would ‘solve all my problems’. But Blue and Fluffy are reasons why I haven’t yet. And with Cola officially wanting Blue to be his BF (according to Blue), I just feel he would be happy with him. After all, Cola did tell me that “nothing lasts forever”, and I did my best to love him. I just don’t want to compete against Cola, and feel like “you want him, you can have him! You’d be doing me a favor to rid my virtual life of personal love drama!”
Sooooo… why not help Blue out by making the decision for him? That’s not being selfish, is it? It’s just me giving up the fight, over the whole poly thing.. that’s literally it. It has nothing to do with personal stress (at least, that’s the way I want him to think).
So, there you go, Blue. No drama of having to make a choice. I know there’s still going to be, because he’ll have a hard time getting over that he had strong feelings for me. But I hope.. he’ll get over it. That’s not being selfish. That’s not taking advantage of this to end the drama with the group (because it won’t exist anymore).

But even if he agrees that it’s best (to end most if not all the drama going on in my virtual life)… Fluffy is still an issue (for him). Fluffy being on vacation in Mexico, does make things easier on us. And I’m not going to tell him anything about this until a week after he gets back (to give him time). Basically, to not do what I did when he was on vacation in Europe. I want him to enjoy his vacation, without VRChat-related drama.

–
–
Back in VRChat, I tried watching The Hobbit in the movie world (as I wanted something that would pass the time for 3+ hours until 2020). Muum visited me but couldn’t see the video. He’s got a new avatar that looks like a cross-breed of a Dutchie and an Avali, in his sunken boi colors. It’s pretty awesome. After he went to go see other friends, I noticed (two days after cleaning out all of my BTD 4.0 versions), VRChat fucked up and didn’t properly upload the RL version of it.
So I had to fix that and finally had it back. It’s now 10pm– two hours until 2020. Went back watching the movie again and stayed there until exactly 11:45pm, then went to the largest-filled public instance of the NYC Times Square 2020 world to await the ball to drop. A lot of people left overtime (but more joined). I then got an invite to join friends who are doing the same thing.

With mere seconds to go, most of the friends went up to the rooftop to watch the final countdown (leaving me alone when it became 10 seconds left)…

HAPPY NEW YEAR to Eastern Standard Time!! 😀 Hello 2020! I wish this day started on a better note than Blue leaving me for Cola, and myself shutting the group down. But I also see this as “finishing what I started”.. aka my love life.
Stayed in the world for an hour (as more and more friends joined). We took several group photos (like this one).

Wufy joined as more friends joined (some wanting in the picture, others deciding not). He was quite depressed of the shit he went through last year (and not feeling confident this year would be any different for him). I feel cautiously optimistic for him, and for myself. To give up hope something’s going to happen that’s good, is to give up everything.
–
Once New Years Day for Central Standard Time rolled in, I left as I was depressed too. Even though this is what I want, I really wish it didn’t have to happen this way. If Cola never fell inlove with Blue, he would have likely been my BF. But for Blue to say no to Cola would be worse than saying no to Fluffy (if you can imagine that).
Blue would lose a lot (all the avatars Cola did for him, and possibly their friendship). And I don’t want Blue to have to deal with that.
–
4:50am. I wanted to talk to Blue about all of this (especially about Fluffy). Told him about Ninja, Ruffy, and myself with Fluffy. I was going to go to bed at 5:30.. ended up going at 6.
Blue could understand me (why I made this decision for him)… to lessen the drama. Though he had opinions about the group after I told him why I didn’t want the group to ever become a true poly (stating he actually wasn’t a fan of it, over Cola and Fluffy trying to shake things up). You read me, so well… especially this part.
“Love is just.. drama. Then again… kind of known that, like… whenever you look at anyone’s relationships, there’s always drama.
Something about relationships, there’s always gonna be drama, there’s gonna be
fights, everything. And then they say ‘if you can still stay together after all of these
fights, then it’s a true relationship.’ I don’t want to live a life of arguing. And drama.
If I have to fight someone for the rest of my life, then I rather stay a loner.”
Dude.. I swear. Fucking hell.. that’s LITERALLY what I feel about Fluffy!!! You.. wow. If only Cola wasn’t inlove with you, I would date you instead of Fluffy.
–
Then we talked about Ruffy, which I found out he either lied or was seriously
misguided, once claiming to Blue that he was part of the group. Wtf?! Ruffy, part of the group?!

Whatever though. Told him all about Ruffy (how I met him, when him and Fluffy were dating, and the whole ‘jealous lover’ thing).. and about him calling me a pedophile.
“…Really” was his response to that. “of course people try to do that”. You seem like you’ve witnessed this before, but I explained the rest of it. He asked “..was he that jealous?” At the time, yeah.. that’s what I thought anyway, until Ruffy did apologize (and seemed sincere).
But, I know Fluffy’s going to go to Ruffy (and Aftershock, and possibly even
ShyGuy), wanting answers.. and I may have to block them all (when they come for
me). Because I can’t keep doing this to myself.
Love needs to feel true, not “doing this for you as a friend”. I mean sure… I did feel love for him, but that always died out of how he acts around me. He is no Jero, he never will be.

.
So yeah. Happy New Year, everyone! Hopefully things go better this year for myself (and for all of you reading).