“Why.. do I still. feel. doubts?!”
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Love Drama’
I hate my brain, so much. For months, I’ve been having unending feelings with Jero. I finally have him back… yet I still feel doubts when around him.
Yesterday, I asked him a ‘simple’ question: “does this mean we’re officially dating now? I’m fine with it being unofficial (if you need time to think), just saying.”
No response.
I just feel he’s doing it again; not being transparent with me. But, I actually saw him in VRChat later that evening (in a public instance). Got there, it was a small group with friends of his (including Ph Mcstuffin). I was hugging and kissing him, and he was responding as I would expect.
Maybe he just didn’t see what I sent him in Discord..? Or, didn’t know how to respond to
it (and would rather show me ingame)? Either is possible.
Suppy joins, meets Jero and they’re talking about each-other’s avatars. Jero
says “someone said I look like a monster energy drink”. While hugging him, I said “well you’re my monster energy drink!” And I got a pretty good response from that. No doubts there.
–
Later on, we were snuggling tightly by the mirror when he suddenly left. Doubt #2 came when I saw him ‘online’ yet he wasn’t messaging me to let me know what happened. I asked him “what’s wrong?”, and 5 minutes later (in another world as this one was getting really packed and doing a number on my FPS), he came back and told me what had happened; something about a hard lock on his computer. Hmm. Seemed to not affect Discord (as it showed you online on your computer, not phone). Suspicious. But, ehh. Glad you’re back, sweetie. 🙂 He did warn me that it might happen again, something about having very high temps on his CPU (of his laptop). Yes, he plays VR on a
laptop.
Most of that time, was really good. But as I said, it just… I dunno. I think it’s just my feelings and they need to stop fucking with me, but at times it’s like Jero looked like he was almost forcing himself to love me. Whenever I said how I loved him so much (over this is what I have wanted for MANY… MANY months), he’s all “you too”.
It– just didn’t feel sincere. Maybe with time, it’ll get better? ..Or worse, whichever the two. Let’s just pray the latter doesn’t happen.
I just– I want to be able to proudly say “Jero is my baby! :D”. It’ll likely take time. As for the now, to try and rid myself of these doubts; just focus on being with him.. making him happy. That, is what I should be focusing on.
Not myself.. HIM!! He is the one that needs to be happy (with me). These doubts are only going to hold back from being truly happy with him.
—
Oh, and I managed to get my claws on his old model again (from Kat). Surprisingly, she had no problem sending me the file… though I had to lie to avoid the truth (that it was because of Chris), by saying I had reinstalled Windows 10 and forgot to backup the data.
I’m glad I waited ’till the weekend to ask her.
Just have to re-remember how I did it… as I purposely removed all blog posts and pictures related to him. Might make it into a brand new project (for the dances and stuff), since of how much it fucked up BTD 2.0’s Dutchie tail. Just have to install Final IK and all of that other stuff.
Later that night, I asked Jero if he wanted to go see a movie or two. Said he had to
go “really soon”, something about driving for a very long time… and also I think he said he was going to move into a new house (or something like that).
Stayed with him for as long as I could, but also wondering at what time he had to go. Someone came up to us and asked if we were chilling. I looked at Jero and said “yep, I’m chilling with my sweetie!” I was sort of waiting for Jero to say the same thing, yet he didn’t. Mmm. That kind of bothered me. But again this is probably the way he is. He expresses true love, differently than what I would expect. But it’s not like he doesn’t (at all).
Then came the time when he said he has to go. Cuddling me, “Nighty night, Benie” he says. “Nighty night, Jero. Love you!” I said. “You too” he says.
And this happened for.. 15 minutes. He didn’t want to get off. He wanted to be with
me, and that is so sweet. 🙂
Finally he did, Fluffy came on, and we left to go see that movie.
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Am I the reason for the fights with Fluffy?
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’
Now in the movie world, Before I started it, I wanted to tell Fluffy four things that had happened;
1. How I told Suppy the truth about Jero and myself.
2. How Suppy met Jero and seemed alright with me being happy with him.
..That second thing is what started drama, with Fluffy asking “meeting him, like in IRL?” Uhh. Fluffy…. how long have you known me? “7 months” he said. NO, that’s NOT what I meant!! ..Ugh. Fluffy, you should KNOW I can’t meet anyone IRL!! You should know this!
–
Yet instead of apologizing, he’s all “I’m just here to have fun, and not fight” which only made the situation worse. He has trouble using the right words.. and with how I easily take offense when it comes to topics like this..
“Fluffy, there will never be peace when you do these things!” I said. UGH. Now I felt bad for what I said. But god DAMNIT, Fluffy! WHY do you got to make me argue with you?!
He wanted to know what he did wrong, acting confused.
WHY do you test my patience like this?!?! Claims he has changed, and again all he wants to do is have fun. Then I asked him “do you even remember the story with Suppy?” He’s
all “no I do not.” …I don’t feel repeating myself right now!! I can’t HANDLE YOU!! And that’s when he left the instance.
*facepalm* Ugh. Fluffy, I’m sorry. Actually, you know.. I got a blog. You wanna know, then please read it. He came back and I assume he was reading it. Then all the sudden I hear him crying and then left again. Ok, what the fuck did I do this time?
I’m forced to take off my headset and and check my phone, and see him all “you…have… no…heart!!” ..Ok, where in the hell did THIS come from?! I didn’t use those words (obvious reasons). Yet he wouldn’t give me an answer.
Ugh. Fluffy, why!? I want to watch my damn movie! I never said this, but I felt it. And finally he’s all “I’m sorry you’re right, I’m going to bed. Love you”.
…Wtf is wrong with that kid? I swear.