What a crazy evening it was (that stretched into the morning). So crazy that I don’t know how to start without immediately revealing what this post is about.
Started as a ‘wrong’ that became a ‘right’… then another ‘wrong’ (though I wasn’t thinking straight).
Right, let’s begin.. with Jero. There’s something I’ve been feeling since Day 3 of being able to talk to him again; and that is noticing a ‘lack’ of being able to hang out with him. Wednesday night, he was in VRChat (but AFK). I never saw him on the next night (only hanging out in General chat of Kovo’s Discord).
I asked him if he simply had a busy day. He said no, that it’s been “a lazy day” and he just wants to chill. You could chill with me (in VRChat), you know? But, ehh. It’s good to speak to you, though. It’s better than nothing. 🙂
But… my stupid fear was taking over my thoughts. I feared that this is going to be the only way I’ll ever hear his voice anymore. I have to… do something.
So, I made another .rtf (WordPad) text document. This one I really poured my heart and soul into. I said I was scared I would ‘lose’ this “window of opportunity” to get back together with him again; that he’s gonna find someone else. Stupid I know, but that’s what my mind does to me!! Ugh. 😛
I finished the document by asking him to say one word — ‘tunafish’–, to let me know he read it all. I decided not to send it immediately. I wanted to wait ’till some time after he got back from work. Yet I ended up sending it at 5 in the afternoon for him (1pm my time). Though from my observations, he doesn’t become active until 7pm or so my time. So he’s a bit of an night owl (of his time).
Getting ready to go to Burger King (as I always do), I expected him to say: “awww bennie, I will never leave you : )” when he reads it.
Later that night, I was watching a movie that he had mentioned by name of being based off of a true story; ‘Grave of The Fireflies’. A bit morbid of a title, and the movie is even worse.. it’s based off of the rear end of WWII (where America is about to show Japan that it’s not OK to bomb one of their ships, by nuking two of their cities).
But, unlike Spec Ops: The Line (which is a fictional game)… this actually
happened; innocent civilians being targeted and killed, by the Americans. It really “hit me in the feels”. Jero told me how it traumatized him for a week (how he couldn’t leave his house).
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Anyway, back to the document. Halfway into the movie…
…Oh. my! HE READ IT ALL!! Shocked and happy and the same time, I patiently waited for him to say something. And he said, a LOT. I’ve never seen him so transparent with
me. I’ve learned a lot about him (that I will not be sharing in here), even when he was talking about what I said in the document (how I have no car and can’t meet anyone
IRL), he’s completely fine with it. As I said before, folks.. I found ‘the one’ when it came to Jero.
There were however, a few times where it looked like he was about ready to tell
me: “Benie, you’re really sweet, but my life is too messed up for me to say yes. It would be better off if you found someone else.”
Yet I was ready for it. This is just like RedFox (with a bit of Cola mixed in). I was planning to say “I will love you nomatter what happens.” I was ready to say the same thing to Jero (and did).
He said “thanks bennie for giving me a chance”.
…Does this mean we’re officially online dating again!? I cannot say for sure, so I’ll say we are unofficially online dating. He then tells me of when he saw me pop up in that
world, that he really wanted to talk to me. And when he saw me disappear, how his heart really sank. 🙁 Poor thing.
..I’m so glad I reappeared, and I explained the reason why I had to leave (because of Chris). Then he says “I missed u so badly”… oh no, I’m about ready to cry.
…I MISSED YOU EVEN MORE!! :’) I swear Jero, I will make you so happy. I want to give you a reason to live!! You gave me one, when you entered my life!
I love you, and I will never stop loving you (nomatter what you do). 😀 And he said “I love you too!”
That’s literally what I did when I was watching the movie; throwing my fists in the air with a huge grin on my face.
I look back at this, and I feel somewhat glad I was worried. The only reason I sent him
this, I know him quite well (especially now, how he opened up to me like that). I wasn’t worried he was going to say “this is too early, we just met. Don’t rush it.” I know Jero too well for that. I know he’s hurting, and I want to do my best to be there, to make that pain go away. It’s a win-win for me. 🙂
…That was, until Suppy showed up (and somehow fell inlove with me).
OH shit! This is bad, this is really bad.
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He wanted to get to know me more. And shockingly, he wasn’t turned off about how I’m
43, living with my parents, don’t have an actual life, and get paid sitting on my ass.. it actually turned him on, saying how he’s into older guys, and how he “loves my voice, loves the way I walk”. Loves everything about me. Claims I’m his type.. even though he has no type. Erm.. this is bad!!
I was sadly forced to tell him about Jero. Buuuuttt, I ‘stretched the truth’ by making it where Jero came up to me after 7 months and wanting to get back to me (instead of the other way around). I felt I had to, so he wouldn’t see I wanted to get back together with Jero. And boy do I regret lying like that. 😐
Claimed he’s “happy for me”, yet he doesn’t stop talking about how much he loves
me (and wanting me to fuck him and stuff). He’s all “those others never knew how hot you are!! OH MY GOD you’re so HOT!!”
…What should I do about this?! Well obviously I’m going to stay true to Jero, put my foot down and say “I’m sorry but I can’t. I know you find me hot and awesome, and appreciate all the nice things you’ve said to me. But I have to stay true to Jero. I’m sorry that you’re alone, but.. I cannot go any further, I’m really sorry.”
My baby = Jero
I got her, and she got me = I got him, and he got me
Oh ‘baby’, no ‘baby’, you got me all wrong ‘baby’ = (‘baby’ replaced with Suppy)
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But Suppy being inlove with me, isn’t what worries me the most… it’s if I get on, Jero gets on… and Suppy joins us. THAT, is what scares me. Because I fear Suppy’s going to be all “so you’re Jeromeah. Nice to meet you! Heard you wanted to get back with him.”
And then Jero will be all (while looking at me)…
And I will be all…
And it’s because of the lie of saying Jero wanted to get back with me (when the opposite is true).
I have to tell Suppy the truth before it’s too late.