Benie's General Blog

Didn’t come on VRChat all day, all because I was too depressed with Jero still having issues with his computer (being unable to get on). Yet I feel like an idiot after all of this time (for worrying about him), realizing he himself is unintentionally the reason
why.
Just.. wow. Jero. Honey. It is never a good idea to reinstall the ISSUE that has been plaguing you!! I pray when he gets the new key, that’s all there is to it.. and he didn’t destroy $1,600 worth of computer parts.
–
Meanwhile, Fluffy. Yep, opening that can of drama again. And again, he is still. butthurt… over me leaving him as a lover!!
To compare him with myself (how I couldn’t get over Jero), I declare myself (during that time) to be more tame. Well, sure I was going in here to complain instead of someone
else.
Anyway, let’s begin.

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Longest relationship since Wuffer
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Love Drama’
Today marks three weeks since I started dating Jero. Wow is the time flying. This makes the relationship a half a week longer than I dated Wuffer. And no I’m not going to do this every week. I just see this being a milestone.
I’m just happy it’s lasted this long. Let’s try for a month! Two months! 6 months!! A year!!

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The truth comes out
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
Sorry to end the above so quickly, but something’s come up that makes the above, feel like a distant memory.
It’s going to be one of those days, where I listen to slow music. Started off as another one of those heated arguments with Fluffy (and even telling Jero that I’m “going to
block (Fluffy) if he keeps this up.” Yet I never saw a drama bomb so large, that it hurt my very soul.
In VR while also in general chat (Jero’s there), waiting for Jero to hopefully come in VRChat or do something, I’m also talking to Fluffy again who has a headache from what happened that day. I wanted to ask Jero if he could come ingame, but I didn’t want to bother him (plus he was muted/deafened).
When he came back, is when Fluffy dropped a massive drama bomb on my head. I–I had so much trouble trying to figure out what the hell was happening.

Seeing that picture…

This is what happened in my head.
Jero clearly has NO idea what I’ve been through (with Fluffy). Feel I’ve been stabbed in the back. I thought he was on my side. I, assumed he was getting annoyed by Fluffy’s actions. Hell, he’s doing more than I did when I actually cared back then.
*sigh* I wish Aftershock could come and show him what I’ve been through, that what Fluffy’s doing is trying to make me look bad. Even if Fluffy isn’t intentionally doing
that, his words and actions are.
–
This is exactly what I feared would happen. The next thing that’s going to happen, Jero’s going to have a talk about family stability and myself being a bad father. You wanna know why I feel this is going to happen? The way he acted in that voice chat. He was getting ready to go to bed, saying “goodnight guys”.. as if I’m a friend and not his lover. He was going to leave without even saying “I love you” to me. I had to ‘remind’ him that we’re still dating, by saying “love you!” Then he finally said “I wuv you too”.
That, is telling me, I’m a problem in his eyes. So why not just leave and be alone? Let Jero take custody of Fluffy. I want Fluffy to be happy. I can no longer make him happy with how my mind won’t let go of what he did in the past.. especially how he’s still fucking butthurt the fact we’re no longer lovers.
Since Jero obviously won’t believe me that Fluffy is a toxic kid, then.. I give up on this relationship.

Fluffy however is all “NOOO!!! NO PAPA!! DON’T DO THIS!!”
Why should I fucking not!? Huh? This is what you wanted, Fluffy; to ruin my happiness because you’re not happy, by turning Jero against me. He claims that’s not what he’s doing, that he never wanted any of this to happen (and trying to show me this isn’t my fault).
Meh. Even if this isn’t your plan, I see you’re better off with Jero. Not me. You’re actually getting the love you want. You’re not scared of him. Plus, families are supposed to be united. I never even wanted a son; Jero talked me into it.
I’m clearly the weakest link, and have no business being here. I am not father material. I do not get along with kids. If this is what Jero expects me to be, then I’m sorry. You might as well let me go.

The only thing that’s going to save me from leaving, is if Jero doesn’t see myself as a problem and still loves me regardless. But I also want him to change, to start saying “hey hun” instead of “hey Bennie”.. and also acting like he loves me. It’s been three weeks. Come on. Sometimes he does, but that was a week ago. I’d like to see more of it.
Even Suppy showed more love and appreciation, and we weren’t even dating. It feels sad.

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EDIT, 2/5/19: Had this weird-ass dream of a new kind a weapon that could be placed on your cheek, and start affecting your throat to the point it suffocates you. It caused me to wake up in a sweat. I think that dream was caused by how I was sleeping, because my neck feels weird now.
Anyway, sorry for saying that. Just it’s been so long since I had a dream.. more like a nightmare. Thankfully, what happened yesterday evening was the opposite of one.
–
Jero was on his phone yesterday. I asked him if Fluffy told him about what happened. After a bit of a wait, he said “No”. Huh, guess I assumed wrong. So.. *clears
throat* Jero, we need to have a talk then. When he questioned what’s going on, I told him of the picture Fluffy sent me. He assumed Fluffy took it and pulled a Chris, told him no.
Then told him all about what I went through with Fluffy (left nothing back).
“awww dont worry bennie no one can give me a bad impression of you not even fluffy. i love u and promise im allways here for u.”

Those three little words, mean so much at a time like this. It was then, when I felt as if an enormous burden has been lifted from my chest.
He loves me, regardless of what happened with Fluffy. I said this would be ‘the only
way’ it’ll stop me, and it definitely has.. I no longer blame myself.
Then I changed the subject to how I would like him to show he truly loves me (by saying ‘hey hun’); kindly reminding him that we’ve been dating for three weeks now (which is awesome).
“sorry hun : )
ill do my best to remember”
Ahhh.. I love you so much, Jero. : ) Any remaining doubts I had of you, are gone.

—
Later, I told Fluffy that I had a talk with Jero, and that I’m “sorry I’m not the father I once was. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care for you completely.”
Fluffy responds saying that he too had a long talk with Jero. He doubled down with how this was never my fault, himself taking the blame. It is your fault, Fluffy. I wanted to just be your father after Jero left me months ago, then you wanted more… because you were hungry for love; trying to take Blue from me when you were in the group (multiple
times).
And it seems, after months of arguing with me, he finally understands what he did wrong. Let’s never, EVER have another argument like that, again.
And Jero? Thank you for being on my side.

A pretty busy that has made me so tired, to where I feel all I want to do is sleep my life away. Been unable to sleep for the past two mornings, keep waking up at 9:30 in the morning for no reason and have trouble falling back asleep. It’s like my internal clock is out of whack of when to wake me up.
Lots to talk about, one that happened the day before yesterday.

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Am I trying too hard?
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Love Drama’
The day before yesterday, my mind and body was filled with anxiety. Anxiety, of feeling my own words are going to make Jero not interested in me.
This was fueled by him grabbing the avatar I did for him, yet not really wanting to come on for me to see he got it working, so I could delete the temp upload. I kept thinking by saying to him “I will do anything for you” is starting to turn him off.. that I’m not being myself. Yet in my head, I feel I constantly have to impress him. I do not know why I’m like
this.. oh wait, I do: anxiety he’s going to leave me.
Try to tell myself “he loves you and isn’t going to leave you, calm the fuck down!” And it seemed my own words finally got to me. There’s a reason why he didn’t come on, so ask him nicely the next day.
Did get my answer, but all it did was cause more anxiety. However, it’s a different kind. I’ll be discussing it later in this blog post.

==============================================================
The Dutchie Meetup
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’
Credit goes to ‘DutchPrimagen’ for the video! It’s around 4:12 when I start talking after finishing dinner.

The first ever ingame Dutchie meetup happened yesterday. Being in some sort of group gathering since the old days of the Best Boi meetings, I was half-prepared for. I would had been fully prepared, if I had used self-control over the multiple people messaging (and talking to) me on Discord at the time I had to eat dinner. Jero was in the chat, so that to me was kind of an excuse not to say “I’m sorry my love, but I gotta get off to eat dinner.” See what I said about that mindset earlier, how the anxiety is fucking with me?
It was around 6:45pm when I realized.. “OSHI– the meetup’s in 15 minutes!! I should had ate earlier!! FUCK!!!” I was speed-eating it, trying to chew as fast as I could. It isn’t easy when half your teeth are gone (and what you got left is failing on you).
7pm rolled in when I had one slice of pizza left. Had my batteries in its charger too, so that was fun scrambling to get them in my controllers.
–
Finally ingame and rushed to the world the meetup was being held, and went over to them. Tried to eat the rest of my dinner (in VR). lmao.. not doing this ever again. The video at the start has me speed-eating my dinner (muted obviously).
Finished everything off and was able to talk again. Lots of Dutchies here. I sort of felt out of place, and could feel my mind saying “you NEED to stop being lazy and recreate
BTD 3.0 using the 1.2b model!!” Meh, I’ll do it next year. 😛 ..I don’t wanna mess with Blender to remove what I need.
Didn’t really have much in the way of drama, apart from two things;
1. One of my friends (M43STR0) who joined us, is apparently an avatar stealer. DJ told me to watch him and showed proof. Not good, not good at all.
2. While I was doing that, this random saw my Jero doll and assumed it was
them (showing me the avatar). ..I seriously need to find someone that will do him a new texture, or try it myself. *sighs*
3. Ran into RedFox. This is the first time he’s interacted with me since I disbanded the group. I’ll go into more detail later in this blog post.
—
There will be another meetup next Saturday (same time). A lot of people enjoyed it, and being able to meet new people. I personally felt “it was alright”. It was supposed to be no different than meeting Kovo and the others, yet I felt I needed to observe and make sure everyone’s playing nice (doing my job as moderator).
“Lighten up and mingle” comes to mind.. no, thank you. I hardly talk to most ‘friends’ anyway.
Anyway, I’ll make sure to be ready for it this time.

==============================================================
Jero the pirate
Categories: ‘Computing’, ‘Love Drama’
Continuing on from the first segment. The reason why Jero wasn’t on, he’s struggling to fix issues with his laptop and a laptop belonging to his cousin. Something is causing the CPU usage to hit 100%. He never saw this on his, because of how powerful it is.
Yet he knows what he did wrong; something about pirating Windows 10. Wow. Sad. That’s just asking for trouble. So all day, he’s been reinstalling 10 on both laptops (hopefully a legit version this time).
He tried to join me last night, yet he’s still having issues to the point SteamVR crashed and he’s having trouble trying to fix that.
I feel he fucked his hardware from what he did, which makes me feel he’s trying to say “I sadly can’t be there with you ingame. We can still talk in Discord. You still have Kovo and the others.” Being ingame seems to run a risk with him anymore.
–
With that said, I wish I could help him figure out how to defeat this hellish menace, so he’ll be able to get online again (without worrying about temps). And it’s.. so fucking FRUSTRATING that I can’t think of a solution, that doesn’t have to do with him possibly having to buy another laptop. As I said before, I fear of that he did, fucked up his hardware. Though he claims that he never had an issue before the Windows 10 anniversary update.
So.. I dunno. I feel powerless! I wanna help him, and I can’t because I don’t know what to tell him!! UGH!!
I know I shouldn’t be letting this stress myself out (as it’s his fault, not mine). I
just, wanna help so badly. Yet I doubt he’ll allow someone to financially help him. He’ll say that it’s his fault and I shouldn’t be having to pay for his mistake. He’ll definitely appreciate that I’m willing to help him like that.
—
Telling him this, he did a similar thing I said. He also listed a possible solution; get a legit key. So.. you mean to tell me, when you reinstalled 10… you were reinstalling the same thing you’re having an issue with?
If I may barrow a quote from Scooby– “YOU DERP!!” You scared the shit out of me thinking I might not see you ever again, only to think you’ll be able to ‘fix’ something by reinstalling the issue!?!? I– was I wrong that he knows a lot about computers?

*lightly disappointed sigh* Jero, I am disappoint. But I still love you! Hahahaha.. oh god. In his defense (with how he’s living off of what his customers will give him), and how he probably had a bug in his laptop.. he likely saw this as a way to avoid paying $100 for a new key. And from what he told me, he’s had it for a long time.
Anyway, said he’s OK and I don’t need to worry about him (that much). Mmm. He’s not wrong.

==============================================================
Red (is not happy with me)
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
Continuing on from the second segment. As I said, RedFox bumped into me. But
before, he invited me to Murder. This is the first time he’s even acknowledged my existence since the group disbanded.
Decided to talk to him in private, explaining why I didn’t tell him sooner. Yet he’s all “you didn’t send me anything. You’re always in a private world, so I assumed you were busy.”
I have, Red. I have. And I got tired watching you ignore my responses because you’re been busy with work and stuff. I can understand you’re busy, but you… can’t take the time to check Discord?
He seemed to have taken offense to this and just.. left. Been bothered by it since then. I try to go to him and apologize for something I may’ve said wrong (yet don’t know), but he leaves before I have a chance. I mean, it’s kind of his fault for ghosting me. All I want, is for him to understand.. that’s all. So I’m going to assume he does, and he just…. doesn’t want me to see him like this.
Going to back off, definitely (especially after the second time he left the world after seeing me). Hopefully he’ll come to me (or not, I don’t really care) and tell me what the heck is going on with him.

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A new ‘threat’
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’
Closing the post is this; something that has been happening since the day before yesterday. Asking friends if they wanted to go to EvolvedAnt Defuse. And guess what? Myself as the expert and DG as the defuser.. we defused the bomb! 😀
One time when Stylez was the expert (I was helping) and DG defusing, BlueDrago joined the world. Uhhh… what’s Frost’s BF doing here? Kovo eventually saw this and felt something’s wrong. Stylez being their friend, he went to go see what’s going on. Kovo meanwhile was telling me that BlueDrago might be looking for IDs. Something about they don’t need to be in the world to spy on you… I dunno.
The next evening, I was with Fluffy telling him about RedFox. BlueDrago came into the room with us. I waved at him, he turned around and went out the door. A few moments later, he leaves.
What the fuck is going on!? Why is BlueDrago interested in me all the sudden? It’s almost as if Frost is trying to send me a message (using his BF). Yet if that’s true, then why doesn’t Blue come up and talk to me? I literally have nothing to hide here if I’m being spied on.
–
*shrug* I dunno. I told Kovo, and he tells me they’re probably just trying to fuck with my head. And if so, they’re doing a damn good job. …But, WHY?? Why are they doing
this? He told me to just act natural, and say hey to Blue if I see him again.
Meh, alright man. I personally would go up to Blue and ask if he needs something, but I’ll listen to Kovo.

Hey everyone! Hope you’ve had a fantastic last week of January. Tomorrow is
February, and traditionally the blizzard season of my area. But as of now, it might be likely we could see a fairly warm Winter (little to no snow), which means possibly a brutal Summer.
There’s also that scare of this really nasty virus from China, the ‘Coronavirus’ that threatens to wipe out the human race. However, CDC (Center for Disease Control) and WHO (World Health Organization) officials say “do NOT panic! You have a higher chance of catching and dying from the flu (which is preventable if you get a flu shot) than this virus!” In other words, if you aren’t really worried about the flu, it’s pointless to be worried about the Coronavirus.
And if you’re a beer drinker, you will NOT get the Coronavirus from drinking Corona! Now if you go to the Sun’s corona thinking you won’t get the virus, you’ll definitely get something as you’re burned to a crisp by extremely hot plasma.
–
Alright, enough filler. Let’s get to yesterday’s news: starting off with a slow day and evening of no Jero. But that’s not all that happened, that afternoon.

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Fluffy’s changed for the better (but how long will it last?)
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
Getting frustrated with Unity of working on JeroWorks, took a break and decided to change my Discord profile picture. Found a picture of myself and Jero snuggling. Didn’t even have to edit it as it fit perfectly.
15 minutes later… Fluffy’s all “my cables are being pulled”. Uhh, what? Seems he’s butthurt over the image. *facepalm* Fluffy.. STOP THIS CHILDISH BEHAVIOR NOW!! I’m NOT changing it just because you’re crying that it’s not us!! FFS. GROW the FUCK UP!! I wanted to say all of this, but I kept calm thinking he’s testing me (that he’s going to tell Jero all the bad things I said (about Fluffy)). He claims it’s “not the picture”, that I’m pushing him away. ..How? Obviously it is the picture. Don’t lie to me.
After awhile, I started to realize he’s pissed over him not being a part of the picture. Tried explaining that he wasn’t there (that I would fix it), yet he seemed to not listen. Kept saying that I would fix it and I’m sorry for not seeing it sooner.
He changes his attack.. blaming himself now; calling himself a brat and “why care for me”.
….Because Jero cares for you! I have to, if I don’t wanna lose him!
–
He stopped talking over that, feeling stressed over this. And this is when I revealed the truth that I ‘have’ to be nice to him as I fear Jero will leave me, and you will use my words as revenge over how much you said about consequences.
Fluffy wasn’t mad at me for saying that, only himself. 20 minutes later after trying to answer his question of why I put up with him..
“I need a plan start a ACTUAL plane restart it’s seems foolish to say it over and over we plan but I end up to fail I’m… fucking sick of my want of love I’m speaking the true papa I’m making a big change for my self and friends tomorrow…tomorrow.. I’m returning back to June of 2019
I’m DEAD serious…”
To translate, he finally realizes what a mess he caused for myself and himself, and wants to revert it to the beginning. He even changed his name to ‘xInsanityWolfx’ (the name when I first met him in The Box), and has been trying to get his voice changer to work again.
I just wonder how long this is going to last, until we get into another argument. I give it a week tops (and that is being generous).

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Audio issues run in the RP family
Categories: ‘Computing’, ‘Drama’
The theme of this segment is the reason why I got on VRChat after finally updating Jero’s avatar on my arm and hand. Was in General chat of Kovo’s Discord, when Kovo says “hey Benie, your boyfriend’s on VRChat!” OSHI–!! Perfect timing!
Got on.. uhh. Kovo, are you lying to me? He’s not on. ..Meh. And I’ve been in that ‘meh’ mood all night, trying whatever I could to entertain myself. Decided to, yet again, watch another movie.. by myself. 🙁 Made the world Invite only, as I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. Just wanna focus on the movie (instead of not seeing Jero all day). I feel like, I dunno how to live my virtual life without him being on. I try to hang with friends, but honestly not many were on that night.
I (keyword: “tried”) to watch Tales from Earthsea (picked it because it has a dragon on the boxart). The movie’s plot is about a powerful wizard who is trying to cheat death, yet by doing so is throwing the delicate balance of mother nature out of whack.
5 minutes into the movie, I receive an invite of someone wanting to join my instance. Check the friends list. JERO!! Oh HELL yeah! You most definitely are welcomed in!! 😀
He joins, kissing me and telling the reason why he didn’t come on Discord: watching a horror movie with IRL friends and trying to get his cousin’s laptop from frying itself. He knows a lot about computers, even more than I do.
We watch the movie, him occasionally taking off his headset to check temperatures. Then Fluffy joins, himself having issues with his voice changer and a dying VR cable. Not gonna lie, I actually missed that squeaky voice. He sounded more of a kid with it (and it fit perfectly with that avatar).
–
So much that I offered to do another commission for him; a small Dutchie with his purple colors, using what Kovo did as a base. Since Jero’s a Dutchie (even though his sona’s a wolf.. just pretend you’re a wolf-dragon for now, mmk?) and I’m a dragon, it’ll work perfectly.
Fluffy however didn’t want me to do this, feeling he would need to pay me back and just isn’t worthy of all the things he did. Yet I feel this is a new year and even asked Jero if it’s a good idea, and he agreed with me. So Fluffy said sure.
Probably will work on it next week.
—
Fluffy’s still having issues with his mic sounding robotic, it keeps getting better and then goes robotic. He knows he needs to replace the cable, and then is all “I should had listened to you not to get the Rift S!” Welp, too late. 🙂 Unless you save and get a Samsung Odyssey WMR headset (get the one Jusper recommended for less of that screen door effect), you’re kind of stuck with what you have.
Did recommend he contact Oculus and have them get that cable fixed for free. Though I have a feeling they’ll send back a refurbished or new model (instead of actually fixing the problem, like Zagro told me).
Meanwhile, Jero suddenly said his headphones just died on him and he needed to find the charging cable. Huh.. I thought the original Oculus Rift has built-in headphones (like my Odyssey+ does). Then when he got back, he claimed that my voice sounded like it was cutting out. This was when Wufy asked in Discord to join the instance and I said yes.
Wufy could hear me perfectly, Jero could hear him perfectly. The HECK!?
–
Thinking it’s on my end this time (which doesn’t make sense as Wufy can hear me perfectly), I close out VRChat completely and restart. Getting back into the world, Jero still hears me as breaking up. So it’s clearly on his end. He tries completely closing down everything. When he gets back in, the problem is fixed (thank goodness).
Later, he tells me his left controller’s battery just died. Awww.. Jero! This just ain’t your day! I try to hug away the bad day out of him, and luckily I didn’t end up making him crash with my love. I couldn’t imagine how much I would be laughing my head off if that happened.
With Jero gone, Wufy’s all “so what now?” I said “going to watch the movie”. “Without Jero?” he asks. I mean yeah. Though I feel at times of what I said earlier and get all depressed he’s not on, I got to find something to do.

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Sweet Little Lies (from Scooby)
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
“So how are you and Scooby doing?” I asked him. He hesitated in giving me an answer, but told me that he feels that this re-relationship could last a few more weeks and that’s it. He starts blaming himself for this, saying he’s “not ready” to go further with an online relationship; never having the courage of wanting to meet the other IRL. Told him I hopefully would like to meet Jero IRL sometime.
Then I told him “well.. there’s also something else that’s been bothering my mind that I feel you should know.” Something that I wanted to ask Scooby about.. if he’s still dating the one he mentioned IRL. Surprisingly (but not to Wufy), Scooby never told him anything about it. Wufy was also understandably upset about it, wanting immediate answers from Scooby.
I though felt I didn’t wanna cause a rift from this. For “doing the right thing”.. I would lose the trust of Scooby in a heartbeat. Didn’t know how to handle this. Does Scooby get away with this (just because of trust), or does Wufy get his answers?
Right now… we decided it’s best to not piss Scooby off. Though I hope he’ll actually one day tell me (and then I can send that to Wufy). Pretty sure he knows I’m spying for
Wufy. And for not wanting to tell me, he has something to hide.