This is a day I hoped would be better. This is a day I hoped I would actually feel I’d be able to make a decision.
Well, it turned out better in ways (as I saw someone we all assumed was ‘dead’). But, it also didn’t (with drama of Suppy… and of Scooby’s suggestion to deal with Jero).
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Seeing a ghost
Categories: ‘Personal’
Pretty much all day today, all that was on my mind was talking to Scooby about this investigation into Jero. But the second thing on my mind was Goku saying what he said to me. Asked Kovo if it’s true Goku approached him, and he said yes. But I had to get ingame to speak more about this.
Ingame, I enter an MMD dance world. Seeing Kovo dancing with a few others. Phoenix comes up to me, talking about the teleporter device (how it’s seen as a sex toy). I assumed it was Sparky (of seeing a big-breasted Pokemon dancing with them), and checked my friends list.
*sees ‘CybermutT’ in the world*
“I.. thought I just saw a ghost!!” I say, shocked in disbelief. Phoenix is all “what, you mean Cybermutt? Yeah he’s a ghost.” Holy fuck. 7 months.
I run into him, and he’s all “hello! I’ve been gone for a long time!” You certainly have!! Says he feels a lot better. That is fantastic. Later on, he shows me his Kobold world (what he was working on before he disappeared). It’s pretty nice, and the models are really cool. They aren’t like the Kobolds from WoW, though; they’re dragon-like (as he told me before). Even the ones from D&D are dragon-like;
Cyber also mentioned how they “worship dragons”; that if I was with Kobolds, that I
could “make them do whatever you want”. Interesting… 😉
I can see you still have that.. special charm that I really like. I even showed him the NSFW version of my avatar for a bit. Quickly switched back when someone joined, and that someone was Kandy, saying “I almost caught you doing something.” And I’m all “huh? What are you talking about? We’re just chilling here.” Whew, though. That was close. I’m pretty sure he’s the spy for Chris, but I don’t want to make a big deal about it.
Sometime later (with everyone gone), he gave me a kiss and said he was going to bed.
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Suppy, we need to talk
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
Scooby was ‘on’ (back from work), but having trouble trying to get online. Ahh.. damnit. What about a voice chat then, because I really need to speak to you. Suppy then joined the instance (after Cyber left). I really wanted to tell Suppy.. “could we just be friends? All I want is friendship, not of you being madly inlove with me.”
While I was talking, Raymond showed up. We talked for a bit, then Suppy said “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone” and leaves. Mmm.. Suppy, Raymond and I aren’t dating! UGH!
I tell Raymond of how I feel about Suppy (him dealing with Suppy too). He convinces me to get Suppy back here.
At this same time, I noticed Scooby was on. Ahh FUCK!! I’m going to miss my window of talking to him over this! Raymond, we can’t do this.., I have to talk to Scooby NOW. But Suppy rejoins while I’m being spam-invited by Scooby to see him. Fuck fuck FUCK!!
I try to focus on the now, telling him what I need to say. He understands, but is also annoyed that I told Raymond about this. “He’s the one that gave me the courage to tell you this.” I told him.
Then Goku joins…
…Could this get any worse?! Suppy though asks Raymond to follow him (so they can talk in private about this), while I deal with Goku. Said hey, still staring at the several invites to join Scooby. Told him “it’s good to see you again! Unfortunately I have to go see someone very important.” I promised I would talk to him the next day, then leave the world.
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“You got to let him go, Benie”
Categories: ‘Personal’, ‘Love Drama’
Going by the title, I’m pretty sure you can see how ‘well’ the conversation went with us. Shit’s been on my mind all afternoon. And Jero messaged me this morning saying
he’s “back at home” and hopes I’m OK. *sigh* No, Jero. I’m not. Not until I get answers from you. And even with that, I’m not going to be OK.
Anyway, I took way too long and Scooby went to another world. Followed him. He was talking to another Shiba about what I assumed to be the fur con. It happened the weekend that I bumped into him. Scooby said to the person that he “turned his computer off for 5 days”. Explains why I didn’t see him. He also tried to explain what happened of why SteamVR was having issues with his Vive.
As Scooby talked to his friend, I noticed someone familiar out from the corner of my eye. It was Raymond. What’s he doing here!? I thought he was talking to Suppy! I went over and flagged him down. He ended up following me back to Scooby.
The guy went offline, and Scooby said “alright Benie. What’s going on?” I said “could I possibly get into a private world and talk about ‘you know who’?” Instead of a private world, he lead me up to a small den-like area of the world. Raymond followed us.
He went into the den. Uhh. Raymond I’m sorry, but you need to go. I then discovered Scooby had once blocked Raymond, for “being weird”.
With Raymond gone, I was free to talk.
–
Asked him “Scooby.. when you were, dating Jero. Did you feel.. used, at all?” After a long pause, he said “yes”. Troubling. He said how Jero “feels disconnected” and other things like that (that I can’t remember as I didn’t have enough time to record it). But I remember myself saying “well, that’s how I feel about Jero too. But I–” then Scooby stops me and says “Honestly Benie, you should let Jero go. What he’s doing isn’t healthy for you. It isn’t making you truly happy.” Said that Jero has manipulated me to make me never stop thinking about him; that ever since I met him, it’s happened.
…I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe that all of this time, I’ve been manipulated by him. Then he mentions how I’ll never be happy as it’s “not an IRL relationship”.. and that set me off. “I can’t handle anything BUT an online relationship! You don’t fucking GET IT!!” I said, fighting back his words. He keeps insisting that I need to let him go, that there’s millions of others that I could find. And I kept fighting it
saying “I TRIED, dude!! There will NEVER be another like Jero! I fucking GAVE UP TRYING!!”. It was like fighting myself all over again.
I told him why I’m like this, and he tried to help me out. He struggled so much, and I
said “Scooby, no-one can help me. I chose this life.”
—
As I talked to Scooby, I got messaged by Suppy– it was not good. It was so not good that I don’t want to talk about it. I tried to apologize, but he wouldn’t hear it and unfriended me. I never wanted this. But.. *sigh* whatever. At least, I don’t have to deal with him anymore.
—
Going back to the conversation with Scooby, his words were starting to penetrate through my feelings. “Benie. It’s been several months. This should had been dealt with, just like RedFox. When he stopped talking to you in Discord and when you disbanded the
group, you should had let Jero go the same way. If your relationship with him was ever going to work, it would had.. back then. It’s been too long. You are only hurting yourself for holding onto those distant memories. As Wufy said; ‘getting back with an ex isn’t really a good thing’. Especially when that ex, was known 7 months ago.
You’re better than this, Benie.” And I look back at Suppy, and realize I had a chance to be with someone who truly cared about me. …And what do I do? Fuck it up for myself by using the wrong words.
As for Jero, though, I’m going to stick to the plan. If I end it with him, I want to end it on my terms.
Not going to end it right away. I’m going to open it with “Jero, what you’re doing
now, loving me. Are you doing this, because you truly love me (that you want to undo the past and restart as a ‘new year new you’ scenario)? Or, are you only doing this to make me happy (in other words, not truly love me)? Please be honest.”
If he says the first thing, then that’s awesome and I’ll consider the investigation closed.
…But if he says the second, I can’t say it here. It will be recorded, though. A name, might be revealed.
Likely will be making a blog post, just for this.