Benie's General Blog

I don’t think I have ever cried so hard in VR. One moment, I was so happy to be with him. And the next, he’s breaking up with me. This time, it wasn’t my fault. Yet I feel like it is.

For almost two weeks, I’ve been madly inlove with WufferTheWolf.. even though I hardly knew him more than just a random friend, but we had something really special between us. And it got to a point to where I was proud to call him my boyfriend, even adding his avatar to mine (something I’ve never done before).
A few days after, I felt I was losing control of this relationship. He wanted to spend so much time with me, I never had time to make a blog post (aka, why it took ’till now to do it). I literally disconnected my cable modem to prevent Discord from logging me in, so I could prepare a paragraph to tell him. I was ready to face him dumping me, over my RL. I also put in the paragraph, how I “want this to be in the confines of VRChat”. Aka, to say I wasn’t ready to go further until I felt confident enough, and he would be willing to take care of me when my mother dies.
Went back online and sent him the entire thing, expecting him to read it all. But all he really read was how I have a mental disability, and said he would love me nomatter what.
I assumed he read it all, so I went with it and felt happy he understood the ‘guy behind the dragon avatar’ (as I put it).

A week had passed since the relationship started, and I wanted to spice things up by including sex (yet myself saying that I’m a giver only). He said “I’m usually a giver too, but if I’m to be your taker, I’m fine with it”. So, I assumed he was interested. I even made
sure, by asking him again. And he said he was fine with it. But with all things I do, this went a bit too far and started making him somewhat uncomfortable. So I stopped and told him I would happily go back to kissing and cuddling, no problem. And it seemed everything was OK between us. We were still hugging and kissing, and stuff like that. We were even ‘sleeping together’ via our phones. Aka, I call him and put my phone near my bed, and I could hear him snoring. It was pretty cute. He also encouraged me to buy a phone similar to his (an iPhone 6S), to replace my aging Samsung phone. He said with it, I would be able to hear him a lot better (and even be able to use my earbuds without the mic disabling).
–
But a day later, I started noticing a change in the way he acted; going on VRChat less and
less (and playing a game called ‘Wizard 101’ a lot), and only getting on when I wanted to. And even when I was on, I noticed he was hanging out with others, yet I was fine with it as he always came over and kissed me, to let me know he still loved me.
…Yesterday, is when things drastically started changing. He joined me in VRChat, yet not to be with me. He stopped talking in the private Discord group DM we were in, and I even watched him being cuddled by a random. He never looked behind him to see me standing there in complete shock.. like he was ignoring me.
Went to go see a few friends, hoping I could ask them of what should I do.. but I didn’t really want to say anything (as I was still in the call with him). This almost felt like he was cheating on me, but I didn’t want to believe it; it had to have been a mistake. Eventually went to see Azure, who said to just speak to him.
Wuffer joined here, and I thought maybe he wanted to apologize.. only to walk right past me as if I didn’t exist. What the hell did I say that offended him?! Is my life just too boring for him? Is VRChat boring and he would like to play other games with me? I didn’t know. He wouldn’t tell me anything… so, I just let him do his own thing, and hoped he would tell me later on. Maybe I was just overreacting as usual, and everything would be fine.

Later that evening, I’m talking to Sarge and the others over an issue I’ve been having with my avatar; how the jaw is stuck open since the latest VRChat update. Noticed I’m getting invites to join Kovo’s world and tell them, who told me not to worry about it.
But Kovo kept spamming me with invites. Okay, fine. Geeze! The fuck does he want!? Got to the world (Kovo’s first world) and go over to him. Yell at him for spamming me with invites, then I see Wuffer there. I go over and try to kiss him, yet he looked like something was really bothering him. I saw him moving his hands, as if he was about to go to another world and leave me here. .. Wuffer, PLEASE! Talk to me!! What did I do wrong to deserve
this?!
Then he said “I need to talk to them in private, and then talk to you.”, showing me where to go. Walked over, and could only feel sorrow in my mind. ..I was too strong, or something. I must’ve said something wrong, or did something wrong.
10 minutes later, he comes walking up to me. The way he walked, I knew it was over between us, but I didn’t know why. Then he stared down at me, waving his hands as if he didn’t know what to say.
Eventually, he told me, simply, that it was rushed, and that it wasn’t my fault. Yet… I still cried my heart out. But, I’m only fooling myself of all of this. Apparently, Scooby’s advice wasn’t the advice I need, of going Bi just so I can be happy. He told me how I’ve been straight all my life, only to change for him. He said it didn’t feel real, but doesn’t blame me.
The pain still hurts though… :'(
—
But what made a horrible thing turn into something that changed Wuffer’s mind about
me (that I’m not the ‘amazing person’ he thought I was); showing my true colors, is mentioning how I wanted a VRChat relationship. Aka, what I said in that paragraph.
Yet the paragraph never came to my mind, because it was too unstable from crying. He said how I was “just using him”, and only inlove with the avatar instead of the person behind it.
…This is not what I meant!! But again, I was too devastated over the news to think. I
felt, this has to be some sort of dream, and I just need to wake the fuck UP!! This can’t be happening! He LIED to me!! He told me he would never leave, no matter what!!
But it’s not really a matter of ‘lying’, just.. the truth: we rushed this, and he was even willing to try it again (and to take our time). But…. I can’t. I cannot be someone I’m
not. I’m straight, he’s gay. We’re incompatible.
Yes, I loved him. But I also felt something wrong about it. Especially after I saw his RL pic. I felt slightly uncomfortable since then, but tried to hide it as I didn’t want to upset him. He also, didn’t want to upset me, which is why he didn’t tell me all of this before.
As much as I really appreciate him being honest with me. I just wish he told me sooner.

But, did I truly love him, or was it just more desperation to feel loved? Not going to lie, it was half and half. The funny part is, he said he too was desperate (yet we just went too far). So now, he wants his space. I tried apologizing and telling him I’ll do anything to make this right, but I will respect that he needs time to himself. Just pray that when he’s ready to speak to me, we can still be friends.
And speaking of friends, it feels like most of them have now turned against me– mainly for the whole ‘turned Bi’ thing to be with him (after being straight for years). Wuffer wasn’t mad at me over that, said it wasn’t my fault. Yet they feel it was, saying I never truly loved him.
But what they don’t understand is I have friends who are similar; who were straight for years but became Bi or Gay to be with the one they loved. So why are they pissed off at me? I don’t know, and I don’t know what to think of at this time. Except, to give
them space.
I pray I don’t have to leave VRChat because of this. But, I’ve been speaking to a few
very, very close friends who thankfully don’t know what happened, and have my
back (even though I told them not to choose a side, only to have someone to talk to that understands my POV).
—
One thing’s for sure though, I’m now officially done with relationships (for the rest of my life). Half of me wants to blame myself for the whole “wanting a VRChat relationship” thing. The other half says it’s not my fault, that none of this was my fault.
It’s Wuffer’s fault for not fully reading my long paragraph. As stated, I was ready for him to break up with me right then and there. Yet, he said “nothing will ever make me not love you”. Boy did that change, and I knew it would. I knew it wouldn’t last, but wow.. the fact it lasted for almost two weeks, that’s a record for me. It’s just… a shame it had to end like this. I really, did, love him!! *starts crying*

*wipes tears*… no more. Three times (this year), my heart has been broken. I’m done with this. I’m done. being emotionally hurt.. and I’m done, (unintentionally) emotionally hurting others. Enough, is enough. Even if someone finds me hot (is a girl and is of legal
age), I’m not doing it. I no longer feel a need to be loved. It’s pathetic, and weak!
*sighs deeply, still wiping his tears* And to make sure to let things simmer down with these friends (so we can all move on from this), I’m staying off Discord and VRChat for a few days (or maybe even a week) until this thing blows over.
If I’m pissing them off this much, it’s for the best that they don’t see my face.

.
Finally, as for that phone, last night I tried to cancel the order. The reason was half because of my breakup with Wuffer (as I no longer ‘need’ the phone and just live with what I got now), but it was also a financial issue that didn’t hit me ’till yesterday. Having deposited $100 into my account to pay for the phone, I also need more to pay for groceries this coming Sunday (especially if I have to order them online with how my father’s health is failing), and knowing I’m going to be paying an additional $40 delivery fee on top of the cost of groceries..
Sadly… I was too late to cancel it, and now it’s on the way here. Half of me feels like sticking it up in my closet or something.. to get it out of my life. But the other half tells me that I paid for this phone, so I should accept it. It’s not the its fault of what happened (even though one reason is because it has a thing called ‘FaceTime’). But as long as I don’t use the app (assuming it is one), it’ll be OK (I hope).
Plus, I’ll be able to talk to friends (once they stop being mad at me) when I’m at Burger King or whatever (as it’ll have Discord on it). So, that’s a bonus. And when it comes to sending images, I’ll be able to do it properly (since Google+ consumer support ends next month, which is what I’m currently using to send things to my computer).

I actually wish this heartbreak happened on a better note.. such as he just couldn’t love
me, that it was a mistake. This would had been normal.
Instead, it was Lunar all over again.. an underaged person. This is getting utterly ridiculous, and I’m glad something in my mind snapped to make this post, to tell the side that caused this mess..

It’s better me, than Kovo or Vale telling myself this.

I mean… really? I was too fucking focused on being worried of turning Bi or Gay, then to think of “ohh fuck, I think this person is underaged!” Plus, using “I’m happy” or “there was no sex involved” are just excuses to make it justified. That’s all it is.
So, why am I like this? Why, do I not see this being wrong (like everyone else)? Why? Why does it not bother me?! What I’m doing could land me in a federal prison!!
It’s time to re-think my life, before that happens to me. And the best way is to do what Kovo told me: “you need to be a better person”. That’s the reason why I can’t talk to him and Vale, for they speak the truth that my brain refuses to grasp.. until now.
–
Twice, is too much. Hell, once was too much. 😛 And even though what I do is a complete accident, they’re made to be learned from. Therefore, starting immediately, I am going to learn to ask for their age before I get into any future relationships (be it with a girl, or a guy).. even if it’s just a small crush. If they’re offended by the question (or refuse to answer), they’re not for me.
This will not only save from a potential heartbreak, but it’s also the right thing to do.
I CAN.. be a better person. I can break myself from this. It’s OK to feel loved, but I have to place rules in it.
Blueberry has Aftershock helping him set these rules. I have no-one, but myself. Though I’m physically old enough to know this, I also need my mentality to grow up as well; to set these rules (and enforce them). It will hurt, and it will feel awkward.. but I’m doing the right thing.
—
No more being inlove with an underaged person. This. stops. now.

On the other side of the spectrum, VRChat clearly is not the place (for me) to be looking for a relationship. What I just went through, proves it. My body is too fucking old, because most people who play are either in their teens to their 30’s. And nearly all 30’s have a relationship (or choose not to be in one).

EDIT: Blueberry and Aftershock were on this evening, but the pain of heartbreak overwhelmed trying to forget about it (and hang out normally with them). I instead hung out infront of the mirror, hoping that blueberry would come along and give me a hug or something to show there were no hard feelings toward eachother. But I could only feel cold, with Aftershock always there with him. Like blueberry wasn’t allowed to be anywhere close to me.
I did eventually get a hug.. but from Aftershock, who I don’t know all that well (apart from once being Creepery’s best friend). Felt very “WTF.. dude, the hell! I barely know you!”. Basically, it was the same reaction to Phox.
There was one time blueberry had walked away far enough that I was able to tell him “I’m surprised you still want to be friends with me, after what happened”. He said to “not worry about it, you didn’t know”. …You really think that is going to make me feel better?! I didn’t use my fucking common sense!! I should had asked for his age!!
Yet his response was “it’s OK” and “nothing happened”. But, why? Why would you not be bothered by this where most people are?
But sure, let’s just pretend that I didn’t know.. after asking him how old he was first, while he was still acting like he was kind of into me. This, should had been where the line was drawn and ended RIGHT there! But NOOOO.. my fucking heart WENT with it!!
–
But to give myself the benefit of a doubt, I knew he was young… but I didn’t know how young until Aftershock told me. I thought he was of Lunar’s age (17), and that was ‘OK’ in my book.
And I also didn’t know just how protective Aftershock was of him until he.. told me. It was all because of what happened with Wildboy, that he didn’t want it to happen again.
Well, this proves Aftershock has a better mindset than I do. :/ And I’m just supposed to not be worried about it, that it’s OK. I mean sure, nothing happened. It was just an act of affection. But seriously, WTF dude?! Why are you not pissed at me like Kovo was?! Is it because of the group you’re in, pressing down your emotions to rip my fucking head off and treat me like scum? Plus you don’t even know the whole story about Lunar, who I did know she was underaged, but was hoping Kovo was lying to me– as I said before, she wasn’t acting underaged. She lied, and she is.
Phox also told me once, that she also lied by saying she’s 17… she’s not, which almost makes that situation her fault instead of mine. Yet Aftershock will probably say the same thing of “but nothing happened. You stopped it.”.. after having it happen a second
time (and seeing the outcome) being the ONLY reason.
FUCK me.. I HATE myself!! …But I have to remember, the one that helped me with BenieTheDragon, had the same thing happen to him once (which was worse than I ever went).
—
*takes a deep breath and sighs*
Well, whatever. Because after I saw blueberry snuggling next to Aftershock, I had to get the fuck out of there. I then sent blueberry a final DM, saying “this is the last time I speak or see you again, because I have to mentally heal. I thought I would be OK, but seeing you and Aftershock together.. I just couldn’t be there anymore, because it remind me of
us.”
At the end of my paragraph, I told him “keep Aftershock close to you”. Because I don’t want what happened between me and him, to happen again with him and someone else.
Aftershock is making sure he stays on the right path. Lunar.. I dunno. She’s free spirited and, it seems nothing is going to control her (which is rather dangerous with her age).
Blueberry never responded back. He was going to, but then stopped. Can only assume Aftershock told him “let Benie do what he feels is right for him.”
This is for the best, honestly. Getting him out of my mind (like Lunar), will help with time… especially trying to get this fucking god damn ‘Baby Blue’ song that won’t stop repeating in my head. I tried flooding it with other catchy songs, but ..“I swear I’ll never let you GO!”.. ARGH!!! See what I mean?! It pushes through every attempt to get rid of it!

And finally, every world we were in (including the Dragon Claw Island one that was my home world), I can never go to; as they remind me of the fun Blueberry and I had. So I’m now using one of my old worlds as my home world.
It’s going to be a very, very long and rigorous uphill climb, but I will reach the top eventually. I just hope, a hand might come and reach down to grab mine. And the person of this hand will say “don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. I will love you like he did.”

.
Speaking of Lunar, I no longer feel anything to her.. even as a close friend. She was running from me. I playfully said “I know you love me” (as a friend), and she said “you have no proof”.
Alright, I don’t know if she meant that as a joke or was serious, but she never said “I love you” to me for the rest of that evening.. or even came up to me. I always had to come up to her, but she ran off.
Okay. So you’re just going to forget what happened between us. ..And you know what? It’s for the best. It was a mistake from the start. And later, in another world, I was overhearing her conversation with a friend of mine (who’s a girl); the two calling eachother cute and stuff (and giggling about it).
Clearly she’s moved on (even beyond calling me a close friend). And also, this 100% proves she’s Bi. …She shouldn’t even BE in a relationship, she’s too young!!

Finally, Dander Icebreaker is someone that really cares for me… to what extent, I don’t know at this time. Basically, I went to a world he was in. Waved hi, and it’s like he left his friends to to be with me. I told him a bit later that his friends need him, but he stayed with me. Was it simply just being a good friend, or something more?
So, I got him to a semi private area of the world and asked what his age was. He said he’s 18. Then I asked “are you OK with being around a 42-year-old”? But before he could say
anything, one of his friends popped into the room. Then he said to contact him on Discord.
Yes, I need to add this to my rules.. don’t ask the person ingame (when there’s others around)– ask for their Discord info instead, and talk to them in private.
Thank you, I’m still learning how to do things the right way. 😛
–
Much later that night, I told him what was on my mind (without revealing too much). Basically said I ‘made mistakes’ in the past, that I’m correcting. I also told him that if this doesn’t work out, then maybe he can help me find someone closer to my age (that would be interested).
Later, he flat out gave me advice on what to do. First it seemed almost like a carbon copy of what Rivers had told me (to change my life, etc), but after telling him what I’m looking for in someone that would love me, he said that it’s OK, and even gave me a name of someone I should get to know better: ‘M43STRO’. He’s a regular friend from the Best Boi community era, and Dander said he loves being cuddled, 32 years old and.. gay.
But, depending on how it goes, I just might bend to be with him (only going Bi though).
So his advice to me, is to stop feeling desperate for love; to just be myself. It’s good
advice, but I don’t know if I can do it. I will still accept it, knowing I should work on it.

We also discussed the whole mess that lead me to this point, and instead of being
appalled, he supports me knowing I was “just trying to be happy”. Said to not worry about others who think differently. …This advice I will not listen to, or agree with. I’m putting my foot down. This time, my stubbornness will be my friend.
But one thing I do agree with, he said “love is a drug”. But with pretty much everything you can ingest (excluding a dick 😛 ), they are to be taken in moderation (and have STRICT rules). Too much, and you can die. Too little, and you’ll go crazy. Finding that perfect balance is essential.
This why I chose “Ask your doctor if love is right for you!” as the title of the first time I had a non-romantic (affectionate) relationship with Lunar.

I also had wanted to speak to Scooby about this (as he’s the one that said not to be ashamed of bending my sexual orientation to be happy with someone), but with the solid advice from by Dander, I’m not going to (as it would be wasting his time to be with BlueDrago).

Courage uttering those words is my will finally bending (willing to be Bi), hoping me and blueberry actually could be more than just friends. But, at the end, it just “didn’t work out”. And just like me and Lunar, I’m the one with a broken heart.
So that happened? ..Deja Vu happened. Today I asked him a question I should had been asking from the start (as in, before even the whole thing with Lunar happened); a question of age. He took offense to it, saying I would look at him differently. I told him I wouldn’t.
–
Later, I was on VRChat and told Scooby that I actually had an emotional attachment to blueberry. He actually managed to convince me it’s nothing to be ashamed
about, especially saying “this is your chance to be happy, take it”. So I opened up to blueberry and told him how I really felt about him, and put my headset back on feeling it would be similar to Lunar (of trying it again). But he said “i cant”.
Confused why all the sudden that I’m now willing to bend for him, that he’s doing this to me, I ask and then he asks me “how old are you benie”. …I froze right there, realizing I just messed up again. And that’s not all that happened, as about 30 seconds later, Aftershock DMs me and says “I will come after you if you do, because I’m protecting him”.
Threw down my headset and logged out of the game… I was so. fucking. DONE with VRChat after that!! Blueberry asked me “why did you leave vrchat?” I told him how I was disgusted at myself, what Aftershock sent me, and how I’m done.

I couldn’t help but cry after that. What the HELL, Aftershock?! Let blueberry make up his own decision!! You’re not his mother or father! … 10 minutes pass and blueberry pleads me not to quit the game. I told him “this is just a repeat of how this all got started”.
Told him about Lunar, and his response was “i feel soo bad”. This went on for awhile until Aftershock attempted to apologize and say “I was just defending blueberry”, telling me what happened between himself and Wildboy… also saying “blueberry is only 12 years old“.
WTFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU–!!! ..I did it AGAIN! GOD DAMNIT!! Thankfully Aftershock understood me, and I told him “I now see why it was wise to end it”. We talked for awhile and asked me if I’m willing to remain friends with them, and I said Yes. But blueberry never came back on VRChat, and I could feel my mind becoming more and more mentally unstable, wanting to talk it over with anyone in hopes they’ll make me feel better, but also wanting a guarantee they won’t be creeped out.
While that’s going on, Scooby is trying (again) to become a boyfriend to
BlueDrago, claiming they talk a lot and stuff. But something happened when I got back ingame, where he’s upset about something and being told to “not worry about it”. I assumed he’s literally doing the same thing I did with Lunar (trying again), but that isn’t the case. Something about Scooby thinks he annoyed Blue, where he’s being told to give Blue some time to cool down.
–
Going back to me and Aftershock, I told him about Phox and what he said to me (about how affection isn’t gay). Aftershock said “it’s ok you were misunderstood, it’s not your fault”.
Oh, that’s just great. So I was right, that it was gay. …Bleh. So many conflicting words going through my mind.

I seriously need a break from VRChat; play my other VR games.. just do something to get my mind off of this. Just until Sparky gets back to the states, from helping family members in Mexico with a farm. There I can talk to him about this, as he’s helped me before.
There’s also something else… Aftershock mentioned of a community I can join, that helps with these kind of things. He said it will help me no longer feel sadness and depression.
I’m nearly tempted to join it, though I don’t know what level of hell I’m going to have to go through to achieve a feeling of not letting heartbreak bug me anymore.
…Plus, will they be able to break through my stubbornness, if they tell me the way to end my suffering is to change my life (like Rivers said)? Would I be willing to accept their advice, when I couldn’t accept Rivers’?

I doubt it. That’s why I can’t do it. So, I have to go through the process of mentally healing all over again, on my own. And this time, I have less friends than I had before (since I lost Phox due to his own hatred of Creepery). He was the only one who helped me heal
enough, because of his soothing voice.
Personally, the only real way I’ll be able to heal is to hang out with blueberry and Aftershock (as friends). Though why the two couldn’t come on VRChat at my time of
need, is beyond me. It’s like they don’t really care as much as I thought. Plus last night, I had accidentally upsetted blue when it finally hit him how wrong this was. He calls himself stupid, and won’t tell me why.. other than that I’ll “never understand” and “noone will”.

I feared he would take his life, and then Aftershock would be after my ass. Thankfully he isn’t going to do that, saying that as long as he has him, he’ll never think that. That’s
good, you keep thinking that. Because the last thing I want on my mind is a pissed off Aftershock.
At the other end of the spectrum, Vale and Kovo think they can help me feel better by asking what’s going on in my mind. If they knew, they would disown me. Was trying to talk to Scooby all by himself (as I cautiously feel I might be able to fully trust him), but the two keep getting in the way.

So, I’m back at square one; alone, where no-one really loves me. All because I’m choosing to stay straight.. something my brain and my common sense are in an endless war
over.
In addition, I’m no longer friends with Phox over something that happened in the past during the final days of the Best Boi community era (that I never caused). Yet the fact I’m still friends with the person, I’m now an ‘enemy’ in his eyes. So yay!
–
But, let’s start from the beginning. I actually was able to hang out with Phox again (after almost a week of not seeing him online). I told him about blueberry (who kind of remembers him), and he was happy that I got a guy that loves me (which made me
cough, and say “I wish blueberry was a girl, then it would feel ‘normal’.”)
He then told me the same thing that blueberry did; he too was once straight, yet became bi and doesn’t know how. And his words, are echoing to mine. His own brain was fighting for what is right, but eventually succumbed to “just being happy”. …Those three words are what caused this mess. It’s what had wanted Lunar again.
—
So, moving on from that, the main course: hanging out with blueberry. I was hanging out in Kovo’s latest world, with him on. He’s on some week trip with his family (who don’t like furries). He had to whisper the changes he made to the world.
Anyway, blueberry showed up. He didn’t want to go somewhere more quiet, and I was worried others would see us and get the wrong idea. So he ran to a part of the world that no one goes to, and we made out there. Then he wanted to see the others, saying he prefers the sound of people talking. Followed him into Kovo’s new house.
He was wall-jumping around the house, and ends up crashing near Kovo’s TV. He was unable to rejoin the world since then, saying it was his VR preventing it.
The rest of the conversation went to DMs, where I told him “I love you”. He said how
I’m “slowly turning bi or gay”.
Reminded him of what Phox told me, and what Scooby said. Suddenly he comes clean and says “tbh im not into you”. So, this entire thing.. was nothing but a game to see if he could push me to bend. Terrific. Alright, reaper.. I’m ready. End it, please. But the thing is… I could feel myself bending back and forth, because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. There’s also this song that kept coming to mind everytime we were together.
“..a special love, I have for you..*music*..
my baby Blue!”
I even caught myself muting my mic and singing it, when he went to go do something.
*stabs feelings with straight knife to make himself straight again* GOD DAMNIT!! D:{

Right, today, is when Phox and I stopped being friends. First I told him about blueberry and how I felt for him. He said “you don’t have to be into dicks to be bi”.. yet just like when he said (before) how it’s “just affection”, I don’t believe it.
Then I told him about Aftershock, being a once friend of Creepery. Was going to continue talking, then he’s all “Creepery is a cunt”, and “wants nothing to do with
blueberry / Aftershock”.
Well, if you’re going to act like a child, then I guess we can’t be friends anymore. Told him that I care for Creepery, that he’s like the brother I always wanted. He says “ah
fuck” “god damnit” and “see you”. And that was the last time we spoke.
*sigh* Really, dude? You got let go of the anger. It happened months ago. Yet I worry of the repercussions of this… which is why I’m staying off of VRChat for awhile.

It’s just what I need. First, worrying about turning Bi, now worrying about one of Phox’s friends stabbing me in the back for being a close friend of Creepery.
*sigh*.. I need Creepery more than ever right now. He would be able to kill these two problems for me.

2019 is turning into quite the interesting year for me in VRChat, with lots of highs and lows. Yesterday, was definitely a ‘high’ (at the time). Because I swear, it’s like high school all over again; having multiple crushes (but not being able to think of who to pick). It was awesome.
The reason I say ‘it was awesome’, all of the crushes I had were girls. This time… well, first it was Phox, then it’s blueberry, and now, it’s the creator of the Sunken Boi (who I assumed was a girl but is actually a guy).
So, um..

WHY.. can I not find a GIRL that likes me (and is of legal age)?! Why is it only guys?! Plus they all know I’m straight, and are OK with it. WTF kind of a world am I living in?!?!
Now I know God has no control over what you do in life, but I feel he ‘made a mistake’ and is ‘trying to correct it’ (of myself being straight), I should had been bi. The only thing that thankfully stops me (to restore some of my sanity), is I’m not into dicks. 😛
–
So, what happened that lead to this assumption that Muumiankka was female? It all had to do with joining Phox in a world made by another friend (from the Best Boi community era).
Muumiankka (who I’m going to shorten to ‘Muum’ as it’s easier to pronounce) was the first one there to greet me after I fully loaded in (and getting a really bad FPS). He showed me a few avatars he made, all of them were absolutely adorable, including this squirrel-like humanoid that eats lots of blueberries.
I tried my best to tolerate the 13-15 FPS (with over 15+ people in the room), until Phox said “this world sucks” and I agreed. Then he went to another world, so I asked Muum if he would like to follow us, and he nodded yes. So I tried to follow Phox… into an MMD world. And my computer still doesn’t like them. Had to go back to my home world in disgust, and told Phox in a DM. He told me “then just don’t go in an mmd world”. A bit rude even for him, but after inviting the two and then explaining what happened, Phox feels I just have something misaligned. He said the long delay comes from loading all the songs. Forgot about that. He’s right there.

Moving on, Muum’s showing us all of his avatars (while we show ours). He even let me try on a Best Boi skinned version of the Sunken Boi, and I absolutely loved it. I can see why the tail is adorable, how it spins like a helicopter blade when given the right movement.
Since then, I started to see him acting very strangely; showing he has colliders in the big ears to where he was looking fabulous. I think he was being attracted to all the nice things I was saying about his avatars. And this got progressively worse when Phox had to leave for the night, him licking me with his tongue.
Again… I thought this was a girl. If I knew this was a guy, I would had NEVER gone any further. But, I have to say the same about blueberry (and I still went further than I should had).
Since having to rewrite most of this (after finding out Muumiankka’s a guy), I can feel my stomach in knots as my feelings fight for ‘what is right’.. feeling happy, or …I, can’t think of the other (all I can feel is darkness and depression). And I don’t want to be depressed– not again.
I just can’t find the middle ground, of being happy yet also being alone (with no feeling I need to be loved).
–
All I know, is it’s like.. something (called ‘passion’) comes over me, blocking any negative feelings I have; speaking in a soothing tone: “it’s OK. Don’t worry. Just go with it. You’re
happy, they’re happy”.

Then after it happens and the person has to go for the night, my brain continues to feel happiness. The only time the happiness gets ruined, is my own stupidity of telling a close friend.. who says “dude, I thought you were straight.” Or “dude, you made out with a guy.”
.  .  .

Above, my negative emotions flooding in to remind me that I’m straight.
—-
So tell me, what can I possibly do to end this? I would ‘love’ to be able to reach into my brain and yank out the passion part of it. But then I would only feel hate towards
others (as passion can also control relationships with best friends). Feeling passionate is a feeling of caring for someone else other than yourself. It’s the feeling of wanting to help them out. Passion also controls defending my friends… and yes I’m having a one-sided conversation with my mind, body and soul right now.

Hell… I really want to blame Phox for all of this, for saying how people see it as being
gay, yet he claims it actually isn’t (that it’s “just affection”). But that affection comes with a hefty price tag of determining what is right and wrong in a relationship like
this.
But at the same time, I feel I still have control over what happens. One major form, is being able to draw the line when sex is involved (especially if you’re a guy and/or underaged). I will end the relationship right then and there, if you try.
—
In other relatable news, yesterday I also told blueberry how “I love you (as a friend)”. He asks “are you sure its just as a friend?”
OOF.
Told him that I didn’t want to get in the way of him and Wildboy. Then he told me something rather rude on Wildboy’s part, how he was planning to leave him “in a week or so”. What the fuck..?! But he says this is actually a good thing, with how he doesn’t “have to roleplay ever fucking day”.
After telling him I’m straight, he says “i could tell that”. Then I asked him if he has a problem with me being straight, he said “i dont see whats rong with that” (and then kisses me). He also took a picture of us, and showed he saved it as his desktop
background.
“Hoo boy, this guy is desperate” (my negative side says). But my passionate side says “I know I’m straight, but I love him so much!!” Because blueberry does more than Lunar ever did; we actually hang out as friends, by playing minigames or drawing in the Presentation Room.
And speaking of that room, the only good thing that really came from yesterday. He and a friend of his who was there, actually made doodles of my avatar’s face, and even my scalesona (on Red Boi’s hat). I even helped color in a few of them;



“DAMN BOI, he THICC!! That’s a THICC ASS BOI!!”
And that will be the last time I ever use the word ‘thicc’ on this website…

I love all of them! Thank you so much, they are awesome!!! 😀