I actually wish this heartbreak happened on a better note.. such as he just couldn’t love
me, that it was a mistake. This would had been normal.
Instead, it was Lunar all over again.. an underaged person. This is getting utterly ridiculous, and I’m glad something in my mind snapped to make this post, to tell the side that caused this mess..
It’s better me, than Kovo or Vale telling myself this.
I mean… really? I was too fucking focused on being worried of turning Bi or Gay, then to think of “ohh fuck, I think this person is underaged!” Plus, using “I’m happy” or “there was no sex involved” are just excuses to make it justified. That’s all it is.
So, why am I like this? Why, do I not see this being wrong (like everyone else)? Why? Why does it not bother me?! What I’m doing could land me in a federal prison!!
It’s time to re-think my life, before that happens to me. And the best way is to do what Kovo told me: “you need to be a better person”. That’s the reason why I can’t talk to him and Vale, for they speak the truth that my brain refuses to grasp.. until now.
–
Twice, is too much. Hell, once was too much. 😛 And even though what I do is a complete accident, they’re made to be learned from. Therefore, starting immediately, I am going to learn to ask for their age before I get into any future relationships (be it with a girl, or a guy).. even if it’s just a small crush. If they’re offended by the question (or refuse to answer), they’re not for me.
This will not only save from a potential heartbreak, but it’s also the right thing to do.
I CAN.. be a better person. I can break myself from this. It’s OK to feel loved, but I have to place rules in it.
Blueberry has Aftershock helping him set these rules. I have no-one, but myself. Though I’m physically old enough to know this, I also need my mentality to grow up as well; to set these rules (and enforce them). It will hurt, and it will feel awkward.. but I’m doing the right thing.
—
No more being inlove with an underaged person. This. stops. now.
On the other side of the spectrum, VRChat clearly is not the place (for me) to be looking for a relationship. What I just went through, proves it. My body is too fucking old, because most people who play are either in their teens to their 30’s. And nearly all 30’s have a relationship (or choose not to be in one).
EDIT: Blueberry and Aftershock were on this evening, but the pain of heartbreak overwhelmed trying to forget about it (and hang out normally with them). I instead hung out infront of the mirror, hoping that blueberry would come along and give me a hug or something to show there were no hard feelings toward eachother. But I could only feel cold, with Aftershock always there with him. Like blueberry wasn’t allowed to be anywhere close to me.
I did eventually get a hug.. but from Aftershock, who I don’t know all that well (apart from once being Creepery’s best friend). Felt very “WTF.. dude, the hell! I barely know you!”. Basically, it was the same reaction to Phox.
There was one time blueberry had walked away far enough that I was able to tell him “I’m surprised you still want to be friends with me, after what happened”. He said to “not worry about it, you didn’t know”. …You really think that is going to make me feel better?! I didn’t use my fucking common sense!! I should had asked for his age!!
Yet his response was “it’s OK” and “nothing happened”. But, why? Why would you not be bothered by this where most people are?
But sure, let’s just pretend that I didn’t know.. after asking him how old he was first, while he was still acting like he was kind of into me. This, should had been where the line was drawn and ended RIGHT there! But NOOOO.. my fucking heart WENT with it!!
–
But to give myself the benefit of a doubt, I knew he was young… but I didn’t know how young until Aftershock told me. I thought he was of Lunar’s age (17), and that was ‘OK’ in my book.
And I also didn’t know just how protective Aftershock was of him until he.. told me. It was all because of what happened with Wildboy, that he didn’t want it to happen again.
Well, this proves Aftershock has a better mindset than I do. :/ And I’m just supposed to not be worried about it, that it’s OK. I mean sure, nothing happened. It was just an act of affection. But seriously, WTF dude?! Why are you not pissed at me like Kovo was?! Is it because of the group you’re in, pressing down your emotions to rip my fucking head off and treat me like scum? Plus you don’t even know the whole story about Lunar, who I did know she was underaged, but was hoping Kovo was lying to me– as I said before, she wasn’t acting underaged. She lied, and she is.
Phox also told me once, that she also lied by saying she’s 17… she’s not, which almost makes that situation her fault instead of mine. Yet Aftershock will probably say the same thing of “but nothing happened. You stopped it.”.. after having it happen a second
time (and seeing the outcome) being the ONLY reason.
FUCK me.. I HATE myself!! …But I have to remember, the one that helped me with BenieTheDragon, had the same thing happen to him once (which was worse than I ever went).
—
*takes a deep breath and sighs*
Well, whatever. Because after I saw blueberry snuggling next to Aftershock, I had to get the fuck out of there. I then sent blueberry a final DM, saying “this is the last time I speak or see you again, because I have to mentally heal. I thought I would be OK, but seeing you and Aftershock together.. I just couldn’t be there anymore, because it remind me of
us.”
At the end of my paragraph, I told him “keep Aftershock close to you”. Because I don’t want what happened between me and him, to happen again with him and someone else.
Aftershock is making sure he stays on the right path. Lunar.. I dunno. She’s free spirited and, it seems nothing is going to control her (which is rather dangerous with her age).
Blueberry never responded back. He was going to, but then stopped. Can only assume Aftershock told him “let Benie do what he feels is right for him.”
This is for the best, honestly. Getting him out of my mind (like Lunar), will help with time… especially trying to get this fucking god damn ‘Baby Blue’ song that won’t stop repeating in my head. I tried flooding it with other catchy songs, but ..“I swear I’ll never let you GO!”.. ARGH!!! See what I mean?! It pushes through every attempt to get rid of it!
And finally, every world we were in (including the Dragon Claw Island one that was my home world), I can never go to; as they remind me of the fun Blueberry and I had. So I’m now using one of my old worlds as my home world.
It’s going to be a very, very long and rigorous uphill climb, but I will reach the top eventually. I just hope, a hand might come and reach down to grab mine. And the person of this hand will say “don’t worry, I’ll take care of you. I will love you like he did.”
.
Speaking of Lunar, I no longer feel anything to her.. even as a close friend. She was running from me. I playfully said “I know you love me” (as a friend), and she said “you have no proof”.
Alright, I don’t know if she meant that as a joke or was serious, but she never said “I love you” to me for the rest of that evening.. or even came up to me. I always had to come up to her, but she ran off.
Okay. So you’re just going to forget what happened between us. ..And you know what? It’s for the best. It was a mistake from the start. And later, in another world, I was overhearing her conversation with a friend of mine (who’s a girl); the two calling eachother cute and stuff (and giggling about it).
Clearly she’s moved on (even beyond calling me a close friend). And also, this 100% proves she’s Bi. …She shouldn’t even BE in a relationship, she’s too young!!
Finally, Dander Icebreaker is someone that really cares for me… to what extent, I don’t know at this time. Basically, I went to a world he was in. Waved hi, and it’s like he left his friends to to be with me. I told him a bit later that his friends need him, but he stayed with me. Was it simply just being a good friend, or something more?
So, I got him to a semi private area of the world and asked what his age was. He said he’s 18. Then I asked “are you OK with being around a 42-year-old”? But before he could say
anything, one of his friends popped into the room. Then he said to contact him on Discord.
Yes, I need to add this to my rules.. don’t ask the person ingame (when there’s others around)– ask for their Discord info instead, and talk to them in private.
Thank you, I’m still learning how to do things the right way. 😛
–
Much later that night, I told him what was on my mind (without revealing too much). Basically said I ‘made mistakes’ in the past, that I’m correcting. I also told him that if this doesn’t work out, then maybe he can help me find someone closer to my age (that would be interested).
Later, he flat out gave me advice on what to do. First it seemed almost like a carbon copy of what Rivers had told me (to change my life, etc), but after telling him what I’m looking for in someone that would love me, he said that it’s OK, and even gave me a name of someone I should get to know better: ‘M43STRO’. He’s a regular friend from the Best Boi community era, and Dander said he loves being cuddled, 32 years old and.. gay.
But, depending on how it goes, I just might bend to be with him (only going Bi though).
So his advice to me, is to stop feeling desperate for love; to just be myself. It’s good
advice, but I don’t know if I can do it. I will still accept it, knowing I should work on it.
We also discussed the whole mess that lead me to this point, and instead of being
appalled, he supports me knowing I was “just trying to be happy”. Said to not worry about others who think differently. …This advice I will not listen to, or agree with. I’m putting my foot down. This time, my stubbornness will be my friend.
But one thing I do agree with, he said “love is a drug”. But with pretty much everything you can ingest (excluding a dick 😛 ), they are to be taken in moderation (and have STRICT rules). Too much, and you can die. Too little, and you’ll go crazy. Finding that perfect balance is essential.
This why I chose “Ask your doctor if love is right for you!” as the title of the first time I had a non-romantic (affectionate) relationship with Lunar.
I also had wanted to speak to Scooby about this (as he’s the one that said not to be ashamed of bending my sexual orientation to be happy with someone), but with the solid advice from by Dander, I’m not going to (as it would be wasting his time to be with BlueDrago).