Benie's General Blog

What a crazy 48 hours it’s been, and how I wish I can simply disappear from the memory of most people (so they won’t know me). Not to mention, things I wish I could disappear from my own memory.
So let’s get this latest VRChat-related mess explained. First off, some drama in Kovo’s Discord server (again). But this time it’s not my fault;
“Don’t shoot the messenger”
Another security threat has arisen from the devs’ attempt to fix more security flaws. Not to mention, there’s one that’s semi-directly related to VRChat; it’s a flaw discovered by
Unity, which can be patched by a content creator — aka myself and my worlds/avatars. This disables the ‘Open in Unity’ button in the Asset Store. Though Unity is working on a permanent fix, it won’t be applied to the version that VRChat is using (since it’s outdated).
So, anytime I have to reinstall Unity, I have to reapply the patch. It sucks, but what can you do?
–
The next day, Kovo (again) informs me of a threat via DM; someone releasing a modded client to the public that can steal your avatars, crash you, etc. Except a very serious threat of it claiming it can steal your IP address (and use it to DDoS you).
This one comes from a member in the Discord, which confused me. This person could had contacted me personally about the issue, but I did thank Kovo for giving me this info. Before posting it in announcements, I wanted to ask the one that stated this threat and test its credibility.
Sure enough, he was able to verify the claim with a picture. But something rubbed me the wrong way about it. Still, I posted what I could in announcements, then went back to my normal activities.
An hour later, Zagrosect (the one trying to help me get new PC hardware) DMs me saying it’s not possible someone can steal your IP, and to “remove the post as you’re just spreading propaganda”. This felt very rude and condescending. Dude, I’m just doing my job, which is informing the public. Even told him, to take it up to the guy who told
us (instead of myself). And I thought that would be the end of it (where the two would try to work this mess out). Then later, he posts two paragraphs (in general) of how it’s not possible (etc, etc). Felt quite demeaning, to the point I’m feeling of not speaking to him again.
Don’t. shoot. the messenger. Take it up to the person that gave the info, not me. And even though it’s not my fault (this time), I feel it is.. for not using common sense.
Thankfully, one admin had my back and posted his own statement about it, stating “we’re only saying this as we care for the safety of our members.” THANK YOU!! Someone gets it!
———-
Drawing the line with Phox
In other news, I’ve been getting on VRChat (in VR) earlier than usual, just so I can hang out with the one that really cares about me (and his friends). But of the same day with the shitstorm in Kovo’s Discord server, he said I couldn’t join him as he was dealing with someone that’s extremely shy around others (and was worried the person would freak out if I showed up).
But it’s all good, yet how I was also lying through my teeth that I loved this new guy who I never met before (all because Phox does). Not to mention, he even asked me in a DM if I love him (as a friend). I swear he’s trying to start a polyrelationship, or some kind of circle of friends. I have a circle too, but (as I said before).. “I love you” is never used.
I dunno. I just don’t feel comfortable saying “I love you” to guys (especially ones I just met). Maybe it’s just me.
–
Because there’s something else I have to step away when it comes to Phox; he’s a
pervert (which I mentioned before). But yesterday is when he was crossing the line of what I’m going to tolerate. It’s not how he has no problem talking about how horny he is, but what he said (and his action shortly after) to me and the new guy.
He’s hugging and kissing us, then says “I’m feeling wet”. The new guy starts running for the door first, and I follow without hesitation. Hell, with time, I think I just might like the new guy (he’s straight like me).
About ten minutes later, I saw something that still makes me wonder why I’m hanging out with Phox. He came to the bathroom, that had a version of his avatar with a dick on it. Why, dude? Why? I could happily live my life WITHOUT seeing that!

I almost feel scarred from seeing that. How is this helping me to mentally heal, when I see the one who’s trying to… suddenly pull out his throbbing dick!?
He did apologize afterwards, saying it wasn’t intentional. But I swear it was a test to see just how straight I really am. Pretty sure I passed it with a very white color. 😛
–
In addition, I have unblocked Lunar and have apologized to her. This is one good thing that came from being with Phox (as they know what happened). She still loves me as a friend, so that’s good. And speaking of friends that are girls, I’ve been finding quite a few that really care for me (yet have boyfriends).
Hey, what can I say? The ladies love me. Still can’t find a GF of my own though. 😛
—
Ugh. The things I get myself into. Plus, a quarter of me feels I’m ‘using’ Phox to get out of looking for a potential GF. The other 3/4 says “yes, you are, but you know he’s all you got right now.” And as long as he doesn’t go ‘horny mode’, I’m OK with it. Yet I could only feel the desperation to find one, very slowly increasing.
———-
Playing love damage control for friends (and being unqualified for the job)
Speaking of things I get myself into (and wishing I didn’t), is trying to help my friends with relationships (like Kovo’s been doing). The latest case, is a friend named ‘Scoobypup’ and one named ‘BlueDrago’. Scooby, used to be a boyfriend of the one who helped with the texturing of BenieTheDragon. Now, he and Blue are a
couple.. however it’s on shaky ground (to where Scooby blames himself for getting in this mess). Deja vu. Basically, Blue has stopped speaking to Scooby (for some odd
reason), and Scooby mainly wants me to ask “what’s going on”. And this has been going on since last weekend.
However, I was able to talk to Blue yesterday and have him talk to Scooby, and the two are together again.

UPDATE (3/9/19): The two are now just good friends, 48 hours after they got back together. That night, Scooby became extremely emotional (crying, etc). For three
hours, several friends tried their best to calm him down. To not make this into a “give a fuck about me I feel like shit right now” segment, Kovo I feel was able to eventually calm him down.
Dunno what eventually made Blue listen (as my own computer felt ashamed of my existence to the point it completely froze), and I got off VRChat for the rest of the night.
What I have learned about Blue, is he’s in an open relationship (a stronger version of a polyrelationship, where sex is talked about). One of the guys that Blue hangs around
with, is quite jealous of Scooby. But it doesn’t make sense why he was trying to avoid
him, instead of talking about the issue (like an adult). To say “I don’t want to hurt you” only makes it worse.
But, it’s all good. And best of all, everything I said has been forgotten. Aka, I can feel like shit without others telling me I am shit.
—
Basically, you have a love issue? … Don’t come to me. Don’t even think about it. I got my own shit to deal with.. I don’t need yours. I know that sounds rude, but I don’t want to hurt you with my stupid conspiracy theories (and then being forced to say “it’s just a
rumor, calm down”).
Can’t even listen to my own fucking advice, so why give it? I have to stop trying to ‘be the hero’.

I’m still alive, folks. I’m not about to commit suicide anytime soon. Plus, I want to give my heart out to the ones dealing with multiple dangerous and destructive tornadoes in Alabama and Georgia right now. I still wonder why the NWS didn’t put them under a Moderate or a High risk. An Enhanced risk ain’t gonna cut it when you have a potential EF3 heading toward your house, threatening to end your life.
Here, we’re dealing with snow. Tomorrow and most of next week, it’s gonna get cold. Not as incredibly cold about three weeks ago, but March is definitely roaring in like a lion for some folks.
EDIT: My heart goes out to the 23 that died to the tornadoes.

Anyway, enough filler. Time to get on to come news. Starts off bad, but ends in a really good note of something I’ve been missing in my life (since Creepery left for college).
First off… something that has been quite painful to talk about.
Family health scares
I don’t know how to say this (and for the longest time I didn’t want to say it as it reminded me too much of the previous post I made), but… ugh. I can feel my ‘normal’ life falling apart from the seams. I try to keep it together, only for it to unravel even more. Yelling at it, does nothing!!
*sighs* ..My father had a stoke a few days ago while sitting in a chair in the living
room, where he has lost all feeling in his left arm. And the man is too stubborn to get to the hospital.
But for some act of God, he’s still alive. I almost feel like going to Rivers, and yelling “THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT, I HATE YOU!! YOU RUINED MY PERFECT LIFE!!!” Because it was only the day before, of when we had spoke about changing my life.

And what I mean by “ruining”, is my mother and I highly depend on my father to keep driving.. as he’s the only one that feels confident enough to drive. That’s literally it. Both of us know he would be so much happier if one of us grew a pair and went to a Driver’s Ed course, but neither of us want to. We want our lives to remain the same forever.. even though we’re not dumb to know that it doesn’t work like that.
–
I don’t know what to think, or do right now. I want an alternative way of dealing with
this, without having to overly depend on something (like Uber, or riding on the city
bus)… but there IS NOTHING!! Except death from suicide.
I don’t have the courage to get back out there, and risk falling off of a bridge or killing someone. It isn’t as simple like a bike, that you get back on after falling off.. because a car is a moving coffin if you’re not comfortable enough to be behind the wheel of it.
And I clearly don’t. The only reason I was before, is because I was playing this free Driver’s Ed game that actually taught me how to drive (on a keyboard/mouse).. and I wanted to see if I could put these skills to the test.
I felt pretty confident back then.. until I try to cross the 2nd street bridge into
Kentucky, get too close to the edge and start riding on it. Did get to Kentucky safely, but I freaked the fuck out after I got off the bridge (begging for this nightmare to end).
Since then, I swore I would never drive again. Infact I shredded my driver’s permit into pieces.
Now this has come up, and I may be forced to face my fear. All I can say, is I pray the process is as painless as possible (to what remains of my self esteem).
Why does life have to be so mean…?!
——————–
Story I’m working on
But.. let’s move on with the other parts of the story. The day before yesterday, was in Desktop as I was still mentally healing. It was a pretty slow Saturday (as Kovo hadn’t been on most of the evening and night).
Anyway, a friend of Yellowjack joined us (who’s a girl). I eventually managed to introduce myself to her and found she’s an RPer like me. Except not for the same reasons. What she does is character-based, making up characters and putting them in her RP. She also
mentioned “my girlfriend” (yet also saying “my boyfriend”). Erm, fuck. But I kept talking to her.
So the point of this, she indirectly gave me an idea of making a story, to finally end all ties with Lunar (by explaining it in a story, of every feeling I had (good and bad)). But hell, why do it like that? A story can be an alternate reality of what actually happened (of her breaking up with me, but to mention she’s in a poly).
It’s not what happened, but it can help me with my road to recovery.. and even possibly convince me to unblock her, and treat her as a nothing but a friend who just wants to be nice to everyone.
——————–
True love is true friendship
It’s now yesterday. Back in VR, feeling better. Especially after clearing up something that had been bothering me of one person. That person is a friend I haven’t seen in a long
time (since the days of the Best Boi community), who I can trust with my secrets. But this person is.. very, very affectionate. If it was a girl, sure. But it’s a guy. And even though
we (me and him) spoke of this before, I can’t help but feel creeped out about it. The hugs and the nuzzling, fine. But the kissing (and even saying “I love you” (in public))…? Uhh. If I may barrow a line from the song ‘TMZ’ from Weird Al…
“…So you cover your face, thinking to yourself: ‘Hey, isn’t this crEEEee-ppyyy?!'”
–
Dude, I’m straight.. not into guys. And the night before I came back on VR, we had a long conversation about it (to the point where I ended up apologizing, and said “alright, I’m fine with this”). I mean, is it wrong to not feel creeped out like this? Maybe that’s just my non-furry side speaking (of what is right from wrong). See, I don’t feel I’m a 100% furry. I want to have some form of decency. Though, I feel it’s from my extreme lack of getting out and being social.
…Bleh!! Anyway, I’m going with it (for now). The guy knows I’m straight, so that’s good at least. And he’s only being affectionate. Plus, if Kovo sees it, I’ll just slam him with a ‘No U’. Deep down though, I’m still creeped over it. Being kissed by a man (while as a man) is not normal and immoral! Irony though, of once having a platonic crush with an underage
girl (which is even more not normal)… -_-
But another way to look at this, to get this much love proves that I don’t really need a girlfriend to feel happy. Before, I had no-one like this (that cared for me this much). It has substantially changed this year (for the better).
Plus, I have really good friends like Azure who actually came up to me and talked for a good 10 minutes about my sona, even complimenting about his scales. That was
really, really sweet of her (to where I almost swear she was drunk and trying to hit on me and cheat on Nappz).
But that’s highly unlikely (the whole cheating part). She has been known to get drunk and talk things she typically wouldn’t, though.
–
Finally, the one that helped me with retexturing my avatar, has a new boyfriend. As I said before, I’ve gotten over feeling bad about friends getting lucky. I am what I am. So I told him that I was happy for him, and he thanked me with the words and said “you’ll find a soulmate one day”.
Ehh, we’ll see. Not going to hold my breath.

.
And that’s basically it. It’s about time I ended a blog post in here on a positive note.

I’m still trying to mentally heal after what happened with Lunar, trying to talk to certain people I feel I can trust with it. A day ago I talked to Freestar for a good two hours about the topic at hand, and about we’re starting to get worried about Creepery not responding to our DMs. Personally, it’s been about two weeks since he last responded to me (about losing another potential girlfriend).

So today I wanted to speak to Sir Rivers (who had indirectly convinced me to go back on VR that day) to get advice on how to handle friends becoming couples. But, I wanted to make sure I could trust him like the others, and told him everything. And it didn’t look good for me a few times, with him not knowing what to do or say. But, he (conditionally) understood me enough to keep listening, yet warning me of what I already know (about being careful who I tell this to).
The rest of the conversation, I decided to switch to voice instead of typing (as I could see he can’t type that well). And after telling him about Lunar’s polyrelationship, he told
me “it’s just a phase”. That’s definitely not anything that I’ve thought of before. Even after I told him that I feel that she’s not doing it for herself, but for them.. he still feels to “not worry”.
This started to make me think that I was glad (again), to get out of that relationship. Not the fact that she’s in a poly, but.. when she eventually breaks it (according to Rivers) and if she decides to come back to me, it actually scared me a bit.. if she wanted to get more serious, to where it reminded me of that friend I mentioned earlier that got out of his relationship. The way she acted, I feel almost convinced I would be in deep shit.
Nope nope nope, don’t want any part of that mess.
I’m now glad I didn’t tell Kovo or Vale about it. It would had guaranteed made them sick. Because it makes me sick.
–
Another thing he said (that is making me consider uninstalling VRChat), is he said that the game isn’t the best place to look for a girlfriend. But not only that, after telling him my RL situation, he made me realize that I will indeed die alone (given my current lack of mobility).
Which, is what four hours of talking went to; trying to inspire me to change my life. Oh great, another one of these guys. He was reminding me of angry back in the day, who said he would stay even with my flaws… and you know how that ended. :/
I didn’t want Rivers to suffer the same fate, so I tried to push him away (using the ole’ “I’m a lost cause” phrase). But his will is quite strong, saying he’ll stay with me as long as it takes, until I finally realize I have potential waiting to be unlocked.
Welp… he’s in for a very, very long ride. But unlike angry, I’m not going to go to him every day, bitching about things I cannot control. He’s going to eventually get bored and let it
go, realizing I cannot be helped.
But he’s also unlike angry, who suggested that I see professional help… not from an aspiring veterinarian (which Rivers claims he’ll do his damnest to achieve when he goes to college in four years from now). But unless the professional help can give me some ‘feel good about yourself’ pills that would counter my depression, I dearly doubt they could help me.

Eventually the conversation got to a point where Rivers finally realized he was wasting his words on me. I’m too fucking stubborn, dude. But he didn’t leave me as a friend. At
least, not now. As for the future, I actually cannot say if he’ll eventually leave.
Anyway, as I said before.. I was unsure if I should even get on VRChat. Not that I feel like an embarrassment to others, but to myself. Also, I wish my friends would stop asking “why are you not on VR?”.. they need to mind their own damn business and realize I have my reasons that I might not want to discuss.
I know they are just worried about me, but they can’t do shit. Just, bug off. Please. I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
But I digress. Because.. on top of all of this, the person that I said he felt my pain, has gotten over it (as expected). And the way he did was to realize that he has friends (which is what I’m trying to do). But the twist is, he has the support of everyone (including Kovo and Vale). He also values hanging out and talking above anything else. Aka, he’s got into the minigames.
So it made me re-realize how much of a loner I was back when the Best Boi community existed; standing in the shadows, watching everyone having fun chatting about random things in their lives (while I debated, just like I am now, if I should even be in this
game).. as I have nothing exciting to talk about.
–
But let’s get back to this whole change thing that Rivers is trying to get me to do. I personally feel it’s too late for change. I feel my time is coming, and soon (with the way I take care of my body). How I’m too lazy to do basic needs. The only need I don’t mind doing, is eat. Which is why I’m morbidly obese (and probably have Type 2 Diabetes by now).
I’m not asking for people to feel sorry for me, only for people that think they can convince me to change.. to fuck. off.
—
Sure, I could get my driver’s license. I could finally move out of my parents house. I could try to get a job. But these are all ‘easy’ to do. Hell, at a time I could actually feel my brain trying to fight back my own stubbornness, attempting to show me that not all change has to be scary. It also showed me just how fortunate I really am of what I’ve learned so far. Remember when I said how Rivers can’t type that well? I can (and it shows). Remember when the friend who helped me with BenieTheDragon, said he couldn’t do animations in Unity? I can.
I even finally conquered my fears of building a computer (and it booted the first time)!!
Rivers is right, that with enough will, I could achieve whatever I think of (within reason of course).
…But if you were to tell me to change my physical health (eating healthier, etc), you might as well put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Though before you do, put a blindfold on me so I don’t see it coming.

.
Even though I still didn’t get the answer I was seeking from Rivers (of how to handle friends becoming couples), I feel I can move on knowing that Lunar is finally out of my life. Not only that, but with the whole ‘changing my life around’ thing, I have literally no business even thinking about love (as I wouldn’t be able to support them if it went any further than just being very close friends who like being affectionate to eachother).
Plus, the whole thing with Lunar was doomed to fail from the start.
—
Unfortunately, I still don’t feel happy enough to get back in VR. Being overwhelmed with how I could change, and only remembering why it’s pretty much impossible, just puts me in a depression where all I want to do is avoid friends (which only makes them really worry about me). Aka, why I don’t know if I want to play VRChat anymore (and switch to Rec Room instead).
Why I hope I can just stay in Desktop until my thoughts finally stop annoying me. So please, for your own safety, don’t ask me why I’m not in VR. Just.. don’t. Let me get over this on my own. Thank you.

But it’s only because this bad thought has been replaced with another.. something that isn’t going to go away anytime soon (and will bug me until God says it’s time); changing my life around.
As what’s been going on this week (how I don’t use VR unless I feel happy), I don’t see myself ever using it.. until maybe when I eventually get my system upgrade.
But, maybe I’ll get over it sooner (if and ONLY if Rivers doesn’t bug me about it).

–
EDIT: Talking to Sparky, unlike Rivers, he actually let me fully explain, and didn’t try to push me to be someone I’m not. All he said is to not consider suicide. And by not saying anything to me, it actually cheered me up by realizing that I’ve lived this long.. so why am I letting it bother me now?
And as for my father one day not able to drive anymore, hopefully my parents can help me find a driver’s ed course that would help me get my license (and get past a fear that has lasted for over a decade).

Been getting a few emails asking what I meant from my latest post, of how my thoughts are no longer an issue. I tried my best to keep it a secret even from this website. But, before I say it, you must all promise that you will not tell anyone who would object to it. And I know several who would be reading this, and would object. But I can only say to them, nothing is going to stop me. Because, I was happy. And that’s what matters.

So, you all probably have an idea what I’m talking about. Myself and Lunar, that whole can of worms. See, when I had talked to Sparky that one time, it really made me think of what if… I could restart this with her (but without letting Kovo and Vale know). Would it even work? Would she agree to it? I had to find out, by sending her a heart-filled DM.
And my heart swelled with happiness when she said “I have an emotional connection to you”. She truly loves me! 😀 This is awesome!! That means, this isn’t desperation anymore! It’s actually true love! ..Or, so I thought at the time.
Because, he said how she still wanted to be friends. But I didn’t care; I just wanted to be close to her again, just until I actually find someone closer to my age.
–
Yet something just didn’t feel right, and for the longest time it eluded me, but I went with it.
Finally, the truth came out later. I went to go see her in a world, and saw her with a guy who was talking quietly, and I could hear the passion in Lunar’s voice when he says “I love you” to him, and he says “I love you too”. That was the same passion I saw from Nappz and Azure. A sound of being madly inlove. And when they left, I could only feel emptiness as my heart shattered, in 50 billion pieces. I actually cried, for a good five minutes in VR. I felt like I was lied to. Did she just fucking use me like some kind of tissue, and throw me in the garbage when she met this guy?!
*dries up tears*… This was the feeling, that had eluded me. When we were together ingame earlier, she never said “I love you” to me.. only in Discord. So, I hope you saw the confusion I felt. But, she told me later, how she loves all of her friends the same way.. aka, her polyrelationship. However that’s not always the case. For she has said “I love you” to Kovo, but he has very high willpower (unlike myself).
—
But let’s go back to this whole polyrelationship thing. What I was seeing infront of me, I originally thought (after speaking to the guy), that they all had succumbed to their desperation to love her (like I nearly did). Except, I wanted her all to myself. I wanted her to see, she doesn’t need a polyrelationship.
But the more I thought about it, this was never the case. She’s not even doing it for
herself; she’s actually helping them, who seem to be suffering from PTSD or some other major mental disorder. She’s making them feel loved. That’s what she said before, yet I just didn’t read between the lines (until now).
Plus, they are free to leave the circle whenever they want. It made me think of Lunar as a nurse, just trying to show them that someone loves them. They have noone, except her. So what she’s doing is really sweet of her. And since then, I felt nothing but conflicting feelings.
—
Ultimately, I felt it was best to end this.. ‘relationship’ I had with her (and as I said at the beginning of this post, I ended it on my terms). As Kovo had said to me, I “have to be a better person”.. mentally. And overall, there was no relationship. It was me, being desperate. And her, ‘taking advantage’ of it for her polyrelationship.

So, you’d think this is it, and I can simply move on from this (just like the last time)?
Heh, I wish it was. Because I’m seeing more and more close friends who I talk to on a regular basis, becoming couples. Not getting ‘married’, but just becoming
couples.
…I have only a small handful of friends (who are single) left, that 100% support me. And I definitely don’t have Creepery anymore (who gave me the strength to live, last time), as either something bad happened to him in college, or is too busy studying to respond to his DMs. And even though I am a pessimist, I’m going to assume the latter (because I refuse to believe the former).
I would’ve had Kovo and Vale too, to support me.. but that’s out of the question. Plus, I know for for a fact Kovo wouldn’t know how to help (even if he supported me). Vale, 25% supports me. Though he shares Kovo’s feelings, he didn’t express them.

Someone else I know is also facing his own depression, but except of defeating
it for good (like I’m trying), he’s trying to bargain with it, hoping he will find the
one at a later date.
Now I’m not going to mention his name, but he’s a good friend of mine who helped me texture BenieTheDragon on a Dutchie. Though he’s gay (which I’m highly convinced they have more luck ‘getting lucky’ than straight furries), he also has dealt with
heartbreaks… even one almost similar to what I’ve gone through.
He told me he too was inlove with an underaged person. But, it went in territories that I would never allow (aka, the person wanted to move in with him). And he stopped it before it got any worse.
But he feels my pain, of desperately wanting to restart a love. He feels my pain of wanting to feel loved. He also understands what I had seen in Lunar; how she’s attractive and stuff like that.

.
This is going to be a very, very long time until I get to a point I feel I no longer need a girlfriend to feel loved. Though, it may also get to a point where I’m so fed up with feeling depressed, to stop playing VRChat completely, and play Rec Room instead; essentially dumping all of my friends and ‘restarting’ my virtual life, trying to make friends there.
Just like going from one MMO to another, but… never did I feel I absolutely have to leave because of a bad reputation with a few close friends.
What’s bad, is these friends don’t even know I restarted (after though I told them ‘it will never happen again’). Hell, before I leave, I feel I should tell them.