I’m still alive, folks. I’m not about to commit suicide anytime soon. Plus, I want to give my heart out to the ones dealing with multiple dangerous and destructive tornadoes in Alabama and Georgia right now. I still wonder why the NWS didn’t put them under a Moderate or a High risk. An Enhanced risk ain’t gonna cut it when you have a potential EF3 heading toward your house, threatening to end your life.
Here, we’re dealing with snow. Tomorrow and most of next week, it’s gonna get cold. Not as incredibly cold about three weeks ago, but March is definitely roaring in like a lion for some folks.
EDIT: My heart goes out to the 23 that died to the tornadoes.
Anyway, enough filler. Time to get on to come news. Starts off bad, but ends in a really good note of something I’ve been missing in my life (since Creepery left for college).
First off… something that has been quite painful to talk about.
Family health scares
I don’t know how to say this (and for the longest time I didn’t want to say it as it reminded me too much of the previous post I made), but… ugh. I can feel my ‘normal’ life falling apart from the seams. I try to keep it together, only for it to unravel even more. Yelling at it, does nothing!!
*sighs* ..My father had a stoke a few days ago while sitting in a chair in the living
room, where he has lost all feeling in his left arm. And the man is too stubborn to get to the hospital.
But for some act of God, he’s still alive. I almost feel like going to Rivers, and yelling “THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT, I HATE YOU!! YOU RUINED MY PERFECT LIFE!!!” Because it was only the day before, of when we had spoke about changing my life.
And what I mean by “ruining”, is my mother and I highly depend on my father to keep driving.. as he’s the only one that feels confident enough to drive. That’s literally it. Both of us know he would be so much happier if one of us grew a pair and went to a Driver’s Ed course, but neither of us want to. We want our lives to remain the same forever.. even though we’re not dumb to know that it doesn’t work like that.
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I don’t know what to think, or do right now. I want an alternative way of dealing with
this, without having to overly depend on something (like Uber, or riding on the city
bus)… but there IS NOTHING!! Except death from suicide.
I don’t have the courage to get back out there, and risk falling off of a bridge or killing someone. It isn’t as simple like a bike, that you get back on after falling off.. because a car is a moving coffin if you’re not comfortable enough to be behind the wheel of it.
And I clearly don’t. The only reason I was before, is because I was playing this free Driver’s Ed game that actually taught me how to drive (on a keyboard/mouse).. and I wanted to see if I could put these skills to the test.
I felt pretty confident back then.. until I try to cross the 2nd street bridge into
Kentucky, get too close to the edge and start riding on it. Did get to Kentucky safely, but I freaked the fuck out after I got off the bridge (begging for this nightmare to end).
Since then, I swore I would never drive again. Infact I shredded my driver’s permit into pieces.
Now this has come up, and I may be forced to face my fear. All I can say, is I pray the process is as painless as possible (to what remains of my self esteem).
Why does life have to be so mean…?!
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Story I’m working on
But.. let’s move on with the other parts of the story. The day before yesterday, was in Desktop as I was still mentally healing. It was a pretty slow Saturday (as Kovo hadn’t been on most of the evening and night).
Anyway, a friend of Yellowjack joined us (who’s a girl). I eventually managed to introduce myself to her and found she’s an RPer like me. Except not for the same reasons. What she does is character-based, making up characters and putting them in her RP. She also
mentioned “my girlfriend” (yet also saying “my boyfriend”). Erm, fuck. But I kept talking to her.
So the point of this, she indirectly gave me an idea of making a story, to finally end all ties with Lunar (by explaining it in a story, of every feeling I had (good and bad)). But hell, why do it like that? A story can be an alternate reality of what actually happened (of her breaking up with me, but to mention she’s in a poly).
It’s not what happened, but it can help me with my road to recovery.. and even possibly convince me to unblock her, and treat her as a nothing but a friend who just wants to be nice to everyone.
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True love is true friendship
It’s now yesterday. Back in VR, feeling better. Especially after clearing up something that had been bothering me of one person. That person is a friend I haven’t seen in a long
time (since the days of the Best Boi community), who I can trust with my secrets. But this person is.. very, very affectionate. If it was a girl, sure. But it’s a guy. And even though
we (me and him) spoke of this before, I can’t help but feel creeped out about it. The hugs and the nuzzling, fine. But the kissing (and even saying “I love you” (in public))…? Uhh. If I may barrow a line from the song ‘TMZ’ from Weird Al…
“…So you cover your face, thinking to yourself: ‘Hey, isn’t this crEEEee-ppyyy?!'”
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Dude, I’m straight.. not into guys. And the night before I came back on VR, we had a long conversation about it (to the point where I ended up apologizing, and said “alright, I’m fine with this”). I mean, is it wrong to not feel creeped out like this? Maybe that’s just my non-furry side speaking (of what is right from wrong). See, I don’t feel I’m a 100% furry. I want to have some form of decency. Though, I feel it’s from my extreme lack of getting out and being social.
…Bleh!! Anyway, I’m going with it (for now). The guy knows I’m straight, so that’s good at least. And he’s only being affectionate. Plus, if Kovo sees it, I’ll just slam him with a ‘No U’. Deep down though, I’m still creeped over it. Being kissed by a man (while as a man) is not normal and immoral! Irony though, of once having a platonic crush with an underage
girl (which is even more not normal)… -_-
But another way to look at this, to get this much love proves that I don’t really need a girlfriend to feel happy. Before, I had no-one like this (that cared for me this much). It has substantially changed this year (for the better).
Plus, I have really good friends like Azure who actually came up to me and talked for a good 10 minutes about my sona, even complimenting about his scales. That was
really, really sweet of her (to where I almost swear she was drunk and trying to hit on me and cheat on Nappz).
But that’s highly unlikely (the whole cheating part). She has been known to get drunk and talk things she typically wouldn’t, though.
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Finally, the one that helped me with retexturing my avatar, has a new boyfriend. As I said before, I’ve gotten over feeling bad about friends getting lucky. I am what I am. So I told him that I was happy for him, and he thanked me with the words and said “you’ll find a soulmate one day”.
Ehh, we’ll see. Not going to hold my breath.
.
And that’s basically it. It’s about time I ended a blog post in here on a positive note.