Benie's General Blog

The emotional rollercoaster, that Cola had me ride

Posted on 09-23-2019 by Benie

Typical rollercoasters are supposed to be fun, exciting, and challenging to help you get over your fear of being on one.
..But the rollercoaster Cola unintentionally put me on, was not fun. And I was stuck on that thing, for four days as my mental health deteriorated every passing day. I was losing patience in everyone thinking they could get me off of this ride, because the only one that could… was the one that put me on it. But when I saw my son being placed on the ride with me for just trying to help of trying to get Cola to stop the ride, I knew I needed to find a way off.
So I found the brake for the ride and got both of us off, swearing to confront him about
it (that it’s not Fluffy’s fault, it’s mine if you want a reason to be pissed being the reason why you put me on here). I told him that he could could had stopped that ride at
anytime, by not using these two words; “stop trying”. Those two words bothered my mind so much, that created this emotional rollercoaster. But he was extremely sorry for
his “horrible horrible non-existing feelings” and asking for another chance.
I forgave him. However, I still feel that giving him another chance is somewhat unlikely at this point.
And now I know the absolute truth of why I’ve had so many doubts with Cola (and could be the same answer for Jero).. it’s the same reason why I wanted Fluffy not to be part of the group; the enormous age gap. Even though he’s over 18, he still doesn’t really like the fact I’m 43. Said that everything else that I’ve done, is “perfect”. The only thing stopping him from truly saying that he loves me, is this age gap. At one time he was almost willing to forget it and actually say that he loves me, but I told him the decision is up to him. To me, I have absolutely no problem with the age gap. Because if I did, I would had never pursued trying to get him to get out of that shell. I would had been happy with just Red and Blue.
As long as you’re 20 and over, I have no problem with age. But since he does, then he has to make a tough but firm decision if it’s worth continuing this, or stop but remain as just really good friends. I also told him “nomatter what happens, I’ll still be a best friend to you. That’s never going to change.” I’m also eternally grateful he’s being completely honest with me. Honesty is another key to a healthy relationship.
…But this thing about being bothered by age, begs the question of how Blue and Red love me (despite the huge age gap). I mean, one can only safely assume “Cola is different than them. Everyone’s different in their own way, which is what makes us special.” Except my mindset is like ‘2D’; it sees what’s infront of it, but not what’s behind.
Anyway, I personally feel Cola will see it’s best that we just remain as friends. I just don’t see it going any further after this point. Infact I give it a 70% chance he’ll say that.
..But, who knows. Maybe a miracle will happen. It definitely did (IMO) when I was able to speak to Cola again. So maybe it’ll happen again with this.

So to explain what really started this emotional rollercoaster (from where I had thought I broke him out of that shell), I’ll try to be as brief as I can. So, he started acting
strangely (and no longer responding to my DMs in Discord). Strange as in being with me and then suddenly going to another world without saying anything. One time I thought he was going to get his full body set up, only to find out 20 minutes later.. he’s playing another game. And then came the “was it something I said? Was it something I did?”
It got to the point where I was.. forced where I had Fluffy talk to Cola for me (as I needed someone to do so, and there was no-one that I could really trust). So I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel and have him do it. But he had to go to bed afterwards, so I had to do the talking.
And this is where Cola could had saved me from that emotional rollercoaster, instead of making me feel all of my effort of trying to get him out of that shell.. was in vain. Instead it was four days that I wouldn’t wish even on my greatest enemy (which.. hell, would be myself. But I digress). Aftershock tried to pull me off of that rollercoaster, telling me
to “just give it time”. Luna (Cola’s former BF) told me the same thing, yet couldn’t give me a clear answer if it was even worth trying again.
Two, nearly managed to get me off that coaster… the two that I love; BlueBio and Red Fox. First it was Red Fox, giving me the facts how “we are definitely more than friends” and how he doesn’t do sexual things “out of pity”– he means them as it feels natural to him.
And Blue, when I told him about Cola, the first thing he did was hug me, and then
say “there’s nothing you’ll say that will scare me away, I’m stuck with you”.
So now I know those two truly do love me, they will likely be the only ones I have left if Cola decides we should remain as good friends.

And so, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell; nearly a week of this shit, compressed into a neat package. As said before, I will continue to wait for Cola to get back to me with an answer. Might even make a much more detailed version of this (explaining every day of this living hell) if I get enough requests for it.

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…I was wrong in Fluffy’s plan (yet he was also wrong)

Posted on 09-17-2019 by Benie

Today was supposed to be a day that I no longer feel I have to do things for Fluffy (that I don’t like), and have everything go back to normal. How I feel a.. very, very bad way of being “joyful” by kicking Fluffy’s avatar out of the group dances (knowing things will “be balanced now”).
I wish this never happened in the first place. I never wanted Fluffy to be part of the group! I was forced into this, just to make him happy. And to not have him part of the group anymore, YES I am happy!
..But that happiness came with a pricetag, that I feel I should pay for not being prepared to act in a fair manner that both parties would agree with (even though Fluffy told me to “keep it”). Talking about Blue here, which he wanted him so much. Now, not as much.
I’ll be frank, folks.. this is honestly one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make in my life (that I was never ready to make).
That decision is being able to let Blue go if he loves Fluffy more than me, knowing the enormous rift it’ll create in the group (something that won’t easily be filled back up). And this decision is just like if Cola, Blue and Red Fox were my ‘kids’, and Fluffy’s trying to date Blue this way. I feel very protective of them, and want to keep them safe. Eventually, there might be a time where I would “warm up” to Fluffy and treat him as one of the family.
That “warm up” hasn’t happened yet, plus this is also a very bad way of looking at it (as it’s against my own words of this group being ‘non-commitment’). Even though I was forced to make it that way because of Cola (in the past), who I still don’t know if he loves me enough to be my boyfriend. Think he just needs to get to know me more.

So I know I don’t “own” Blue (or any of them), and have to face the facts that if they love someone else, to let them leave (so they can be with them) and tried telling this to Fluffy. But he’s acting like I’m not understanding what he’s trying to say.
Finally it hit me that he wants to remain in the group (and still love Blue), so no one has to leave and I won’t be heartbroken. Yeah, that would work.. if I loved Fluffy as I do of them. Which I do not. And I had to remind him just why it wouldn’t work, stating the fact this group was created from my doubts of Jero being in-love with me as much as I loved him.
And finally the message was clear to him… that he actually said “keep Blue” (blaming himself for this).
I feel this is both our faults. Mine for not actually doing what I said I would do if someone was in-love with a member in my group (by not being willing to let them go, and not being adult enough to understand “nothing lasts forever, even love”). Fluffy blames himself for trying to destroy the group (and my happiness) …..he also told me to relax and just act like things are normal.
Don’t think I can. I’m afraid we might need Aftershock to settle this (so I can clear my mind). *sighs* I should just let Fluffy take Blue, and be an adult. But he says that me and him are “perfect”.

In any case, I just don’t know what to do right now. I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t want Fluffy to be upset (over he can find no one that will love him)! UGH!!
I feel like, I need to have literal group meeting with them, just to hear their reaction if they want to be.. “protected”. Or, just talk to each of them in their own time. Because I need to know if A: They don’t mind being in the group. And B: ..This.
But, I no longer feel like shit (of feeling I was ‘depriving’ Fluffy of being loved). I don’t really wish to talk about it either (as it brought me to tears), and even Aftershock
feels.. this isn’t my fault; that I was in the right to protect. I.. don’t see HOW.
–
While Fluffy was trying to pull me ingame (to ‘relax’), I spoke to Blue about this.. telling him everything that happened. And he..he opened my eyes to the truth. This, isn’t my fault– Fluffy manipulated me, making me think it was. And, I was beyond ‘pissed’! I wanted to rip his FUCKING HEAD OFF for what he did to me and Blue!! The last time I was this hardcore manipulated, was.. according to Aftershock, by the Best Boi community claiming that Ashi’s the enemy.
On top of that, I was getting DM’d left and right by random friends (one wanting the Best Boi 2.0 model, another one saying hi, another one sending me a picture).. this is a bad time, I’m not in the mood right now, sorry. I did my best to control myself from blowing up in their faces (since they were never involved in this).

…10 minutes later, I tried to calm myself down; “Ben, he didn’t deliberately manipulate you, it was an accident! Calm down!” I took a deep, deep breath and talked to
Fluffy, asking him “why.. why did you do this?” And he said “I just wanted love”. That only made me furious again, feeling he doesn’t give a FUCK what I’ve been through (and why I created this group).
A bit later, he said “I thought we were a type of family” ..family members do NOT manipulate eachother (even for non-malice reasons)!! Manipulation, causes distrust! HATE! LOOK what happened to Ashi, if you want proof what manipulation can do!!
He greatly apologized for what he did, saying it was never, ever his intention to ruin the group, and swore he would change.. by going back to where it all started– when I first met him in The Box (when I was with Jero). Said this is what he wants, and it will make him happy.
My anger completely went away after that (I can’t stay mad forever at him). That’s all I wanted, for those happy times to come back.. before all of this love drama started with him. Finally got on and we cuddled for the longest time. May we never, ever have another argument like this, ever again.
Said he would look for a new love, and I told him to “please be careful this time. I don’t want to bail you out like I did with Justin”. I blocked him, because of Fluffy. I mean
sure, Justin is annoying, but… I don’t think he ever had malicious intent. Course I’m saying this now, since I no longer feel my reputation will be ruined if he ever found out.
–
Think I’m going to unblock and apologize to him. It would be the best thing to do.

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…Oh no, not again! / Am I losing interest with the group?! / Cola’s mistake

Posted on 09-16-2019 by Benie

Lots to talk about, with the majority of things happening today (and one happening last night). First, the thing that happened.. that to this day still has me very much on
edge, if a certain issue has resurfaced.
——————————-
…Oh no, not again!
So last night, I was in the ‘Room of the rain’ watching random YouTube videos with a few friends (including Blue and Fluffy). I wasn’t feeling good at the time, and there’s a reason for this that’ll be explained (in detail) in the next segment.
So I’m watching videos in VR, trying my best to enjoy myself. Suddenly.. the screen freezes in the headset. I’m trying not to say “oh no.. OH NO!! NOT AGAIN!!!” Blue screen happens and I take off my headset, but I also notice VRChat still running in the background for a good 45 seconds (as if nothing happened). Plus, MR Portal is also acting like “problem? What problem? Everything’s working fine!” Uhh.. HELLO!! BLUESCREEN IN MY HEADSET!!!
While that was happening, I started getting notifications about an issue with my sound settings. Finally MR Portal crashed, telling me to ‘Check your display cable’. Yet VRChat didn’t fully crash.
I closed VRChat out, and MR Portal somehow repaired itself and showed ‘Ready’. ..I think VRChat just froze up my headset. Because if it was a driver error (like the issue was
before), VRChat would had crashed with MR Portal. The fact it was still running in the background as if nothing happened (while my headset was all “OH FUCK!!”), perplexes me.
And as I said, since then I’ve really been on edge. 😬 To think, if this issue started happening just. like. before (with my old headset)…

So far though, this has only happened.. ONCE. And I pray it stays like that.
Let’s move on, to something more pressing.
———————————–
Am I losing interest with the group?!
Ever had one of those moments where you feel you need to ask ‘me, myself, and I’ a question, of just what the FUCK is going on in your brain? Ever since yesterday, I had one of those moments, because no one asked me if I was OK of the strange way I was
acting (avoiding friends, even my group and feeling depressed for no reason). When I should be happy I’m with the ones I love.. why do I feel I’m “getting bored with them”?!
What is WRONG with me??

…I believe it has to do with Fluffy, being in my group. I still do not love him like he loves
me (as a lover). I love him, as an RP son. And I wish on Gods green Earth, he would see this and leave the group. But that’s not the only reason I. don’t. want. him. there!! I still feel he’s “sharing” my love with the group; hanging with them when I do (even longer than I do). There’s been several instances, where I feel he’s trying to take the group away from me.
Instance 1: After we had ‘done it’ one day and I was quite tired for not getting much sleep the night before, I wake up to see a random invite to a world where Cola and Blue are in.
Instance 2: Few days ago, when I was showing Red Fox the dances I did for him, Fluffy was getting in his face (and mine). He has done this to Cola too.
Instance 3: After completing updates to the group dances, I see him and Red Fox ingame for a long time– Fluffy not responding to a single message, which was VERY odd. Went ingame, and see the two in a world.. together with other Russian friends of Red.

So, some questions and answers;
Q1: Do you feel he’s doing this intentionally?
A1: Absolutely not. He’s too nice to do something like that. He just keeps forgetting, this is MY group!!
Q2: Is this a sign of jealousy from me, in a non-commitment group?
A2: No. I call it “protecting” what I worked hard to achieve.
Q3: You claim this is “non-commitment”. Is this truly “protecting”, or “treating them like your property” and not allowing anyone else to love them (which is the opposite of non-commitment)?
A3: This is a gray area. I have no problem with others loving them. If I know the person well who has good intentions, they are welcome to love.. but on their own time. The problem with Fluffy is he also loves me.
Q4: Have you asked them what they thought of Fluffy? Do they want him gone, or do they actually love him too? Pretty sure they’ll be pissed at you if they find out you made him leave.
A4: They might be saddened of the news, but it’s not worth asking them: pretty sure they really won’t care or be pissed off at me. I know Red Fox still loves me very much (even with what’s going on).

Look, I have absolutely nothing against Fluffy (as a person). But again, I do. not. love him any more than the first time I met him (when he became my son). I’m not even that into RP as I once was (it died out years ago). When I love someone (a lot), it’s not RP, it’s
real.
I just… want things to get back to what they were; when Fluffy was my son and I was his father. But for anyone to tell him “I’m sorry, but you cannot be in the group anymore”, his heart is going to be torn in billions of pieces!! I don’t want that to happen! I’ll never forgive myself if he does something he’ll regret!
So, that’s why I’m not making the same mistake as before (telling Fluffy directly). For my concerns have gone to Aftershock (in a DM). I pray he isn’t dealing with any drama and has a clear enough head to deal with this, because Fluffy trusts him (and so do I). And I feel he’ll be able to.. ‘ween’ Fluffy away from loving me (and the rest of the group) as a lover.
After all.. he’s partially responsible for the way Fluffy has turned into. Fluffy used to be my happy son, and I was his happy father. I just feel.. better off as a father figure to him instead of a lover– instead of, feeling I’m having to do things I don’t want to (for him).
I’m tired of this. Since it’s causing me to lose interest in the ones I love because of him.. I HAVE to do something!!

—
EDIT: Spoken to Aftershock who’s now dealing with Fluffy. Turns out, he never wanted to be in any relationship with him; he was only being a good friend (but Fluffy saw it more).
So this means I’m wrong for saying he’s “partially responsible”. Like myself, he doesn’t want a romantic relationship.
Fluffy also loves Blue.. a lot (to the point Aftershock said to me that Fluffy could “have an easy reason” to date him with how this is a friends with benefits group), then told me to ask Blue and see if he truly loves Fluffy.
So I did, and he responded quite quick for someone playing Borderlands 3 at the time. Said he felt pretty shaken up and doesn’t love him (and wants to stay in the group). So there you go, case closed.
Fluffy responded sometime later, claiming he wasn’t mad (just upset). I assumed at the time he also understood Blue doesn’t love him like he loves him.. he didn’t until much later in the night when he finally read it, and THEN he was mad (at me). Not my fault you tried to take Blue (and the others) away from me, thinking this is still a poly. He’s also going after Blue, who I’m trying to tell him that this isn’t his fault.
Got to a point (since Aftershock wasn’t helping me out) where I was forced to ‘adult up’ and tell Fluffy to stop this foolishness. You go after my friends (even as my friend), we have a problem.

I had to work up a compromise to keep the peace (and friendships intact)– be willing to let Blue go if Fluffy finds a way to win his heart (but Blue must also leave the group if that happens). At first he didn’t understand what I was saying (and literally assuming how I want to “keep Blue to myself”) ….I never said that. Stop putting words in my mouth. But as quickly as that escalated, it also just as quickly defused (where he apologized to Blue). I was still very annoyed at Fluffy for going after Blue, as he had nothing to do with this. But with Fluffy apologizing (and Blue accepting it), I calmed down. But I still wanted the two to talk this over, trying to actually help Fluffy out.
Decided to invite them to my private instance, and waited for the two to talk. A half an hour passed and it looked like everything was good. And even better.. Fluffy is my son again!

No more of this “hun” crap coming from him! I feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted from my cheat. And to make it up to him, I’m going to give him the dances I set up of his avatar, by using his avatar to spawn them
in (not to mention send him a fixed version, that he should be able to set the viewpoint correctly).
And this weekend, I’m going to teach him how to set up the dance system (so he can do it himself). So I’m going to be quite busy tomorrow. Weee. But at least.. this time of doing it for Fluffy, will be the last.
…Only thing that bothers me, is if Blue actually decides to leave the group to be with
Fluffy, this is going to cause a big hole that will need to be filled up. Knowing Fluffy, he’s not going to back down until Blue loves him instead of me. So I will ‘fight back’ to keep Blue in the group.
But that decision is still up to him. If he wants to leave, he is welcomed to. Right now, he has no intention of doing so. But I’m sure he’ll let me know in advance if he actually decides to do it. And at this time, I know no-one that could ‘replace’ him. Could get
Jero, but I haven’t spoken to him since my birthday.

Now, finally time to discuss the final segment;
———————————–
Cola’s “mistake” and burying the hatchet with Chris
So Cola did a bad thing about 2-3 days ago, but he doesn’t see it being a bad thing (and feels the person overreacted).
And that person, is one of my very good friends: Acid Claws (or KillowLAD as he is ingame). Well, Cola decided to one day, do his skin as the Best Boi 2.0 model. I liked it, but I asked “did you show it to Acid?”, and he shook his head.
Today when I followed Cola into a game world, he showed off his work to Acid.. and he wasn’t too happy about it. But he didn’t make a scene there (good thing too). ..But I did, as Chris was there (and I had him blocked). Yes, I said “had”. I will explain later.
And that later, is now. Was in a Russian world hanging with Red Fox (while Fluffy was there). But with what was going on in my mind with Chris feeling like he was stalking
me, I needed some time to myself.
I saw Acid show up and waved at him to come up, then told him about Chris. He said that it’s a “rare quiescence” we keep bumping into eachother, and then wanted me to bury the hatchet by talking to him. …So I did, and we’re ‘neutral friends’ now. I actually feel better after doing so. Might do a similar thing with Ashi, but I’m not sure. I keep hearing mixed messages about him.
–
Going back to Acid, this is when he told me about Cola.. and how he didn’t ask him for permission to do this. Well damn. Why didn’t Cola do that? No idea. Acid also told me that Cola asked him where he got his squeak sounds, wanting to do a full-on copy of his avatar.
That’s, not cool. Cola should had asked for permission before doing this. But I would assume in Cola’s defense, he’s only doing this to show his friendship (which he did for Nigh and Vale, who didn’t react like Acid did).
He just, seems to have a funny way of showing friendship (that not everyone appreciates).

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A fling from my not too distant past, comes back

Posted on 09-13-2019 by Benie

This music represents me, before and after my thing with Ron (and then Jero). But you could change some of the lyrics to VRChat-related things.
And if you asked me of which one I love the best, I would— well, I don’t wear clothes (as my sona), but Cola’s name would be on my chest (it’s just.. VR is a great way to express yourself). 😏
–
Before I asked Cola if he didn’t mind doing the “wild thing”, it was Red Fox.. and then there was someone else who I didn’t really have strong feelings for (but he’s pretty good in bed): Supermarioraymond1. Yes, that’s a big word, and you would expect the person behind that name to be 13 or younger. But thankfully no, for he sounds as if he’s in his mid 20’s.
Like I said, this was before the group as it’s known now, didn’t really exist back then. I loved who I could, as I was quite lonely. Raymond (who I’m going to call as its
shorter), was one of them. Then one day, me and him stopped seeing eachother as much. We haven’t talked for months.
About three or so days ago, I was with Cola and Blue. Cola went to bed, so I stayed with Blue. As things are starting to die down in this Friends+ world, Raymond showed up and saw I was with Blue. I could hear the disappointment in his voice, even saying how he wishes he was with me more.
Since there were people around, I couldn’t say “I’m sorry Raymond, but you had your chance. You stopped seeing me, so I had to move on.”
When Blue went AFK, this gave Raymond the green light in asking if we’re still friends. I said yes, and asked why of all of this time he chose to visit me. He said it was because of my status message (where I have “Depressed Bi Scalie”. But I’ve had this for a long
time, and the ‘Depressed’ part came from being unsure about Cola. However it can also mean that I’m usually depressed about my life or whatever.
Still doesn’t explain, why now. As I just said, I’ve had this for a long time. If he really cared about my well-being, why didn’t he show up sooner? Maybe he was just horny, and used it as a way to get to me– because it worked (when Blue went to bed).

He’s welcome to join the group.. and this is also what made me so seriously in doubt about the whole “poly” thing (and the next day is when I told Fluffy. Not of Raymond, but of the “poly”).

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Possibly one of the best weekends I’ve ever had

Posted on 09-08-2019 by Benie

What happened 20 minutes before midnight (September 6th), is something I cannot stop thinking about. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt.. since I started dating early this year– a feeling of true love, that just makes me want more of it (I already feel high as a kite, with my heart feeling as if it’s floating in the clouds).
And it all came from what Cola said to me (and I felt). Months have I had doubts if he loved me as I did of him, and he finally told me the reason why he couldn’t say it. The next day, he trusts me. Said that I would one day show him that he could fully trust me, for him to finally express his love.
On Friday I hung out with him as usual, but he had this unusual request to help him find the Shiba model (finding the model really adorable). That and he feels he really can’t do anything else with the Best Boi 2.0 model (as it’s “already perfect” to him). Told him I would talk to Pikapetey (since I’m friends with the guy), and ask if he can get the
model.
But since Pika never came online that night (and I was talking to Nighwolf about something), I decided to ask him (as he’s a good friend of Cola). He spoke to a friend of his, who gave me the link to Pika’s Patreon page and pay $5 to get into Pika’s Discord server (to find the link to the model).
Before that, Cola said that he was getting ready to go on some sort of business trip. Then he took me to one of his favorite worlds; a 1950’s Diner (with the artwork and actual music from that era). There’s even a button in there that makes your screen black and white.
We danced to some of the music. Then there was this slow one that I got close to him, and that’s where the magic happened. For the longest time, me and him were nuzzling eachother as happy as can be.. and I was in literal tears with how happy I was to be with him.
The song ended, and he said something he swear would never.. ever be felt or spoken by him– ‘love’. He said I’m “lovable”, and he.. “loves” me. He did it. He did the impossible. He said the positive ‘l’ word!!
I mean yes I’m happy. Like I said I feel lighter than air right now after that dance! It
was, just.. perfect! But I’m also happy for him. Happy he’s starting to come out of his shell and feel.. good feelings that have been bottled up inside of him for many, many
months (even before I met him). I don’t want him to EVER go back to those dark
days, ever again. I want to hug him, please him, protect him. Cola has gone from nearly dropping off the poly (several times), to being very welcomed (and one of the strongest that loves me).
Fluffy needs to keep working at it, though. Maybe when he gets a mic and grows up a
bit (stop using annoying avatars).. plus stop thinking that we share the same lovers (when I’m the one that started this), he’ll rise up.

The other thing happened Sunday (today). Red Fox is back from a 3-week ‘vacation’ of
hell– having to build a wall of a barn, by himself (and doing literally everything by
himself, with no help). Yet he tells me he’s used to it.
He also wishes there was better internet there (so he could talk to me more). “If I had
that, I would live in the forest forever.” His sona’s a fox, so it suits him perfectly.
Who knows what other things might happen this evening. Maybe a little.. fun in a private world? 😏

EDIT: Well it didn’t happen as expected (as Red Fox went offline after taking a shower). Also, Cola wanted me to hand-hold him to get the Shiba model, saying he’s “quite retarded”. I wanted to say something sweet to have him reconsider saying that, but the proof was kind of right there infront of me.
Mmm.. ‘retarded’ or not Cola, I still love you with all my heart. 🧡 So I guided him through the process and he got the model. Then I watched him in a Discord video
call, spend nearly 4 hours painting it as close as he could to his sona (and I enjoyed every moment of it, even though my bored brain wasn’t.. but it can STFU because I was with the one I love).
I also know his real name now, but I won’t be disclosing it.
–
Interesting choice of paint programs he was using (mainly Paint 3D, and using a bit of Paint.NET to set his avatar’s picture). Surprised he wasn’t using Photoshop.
He asked ten minutes before he was done, how he could repay me. ..I wanted to say something, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was “Ohhh, you’ll think of something.” But all I really want is.. well, him to eternally love me for the rest of
time (as I will of him). That’s all I really want, as payment. 😊
Him, and the rest of the poly, so I will never feel alone again.

.
Also, I just might get my hands on a Shiba too, and see if I can make a ‘Dragba’ (or ‘Dragon-Shiba’; a Shiba with my Sona’s likeness). It’s only $5, and I don’t have to keep paying it monthly.
The reason why I’m thinking about it, isn’t just for the sole reason of playfully annoying Kovo (as he doesn’t like the model), but …the tail can be removed (which is unbelievable). The ears cannot (outside of Blender of course), but, I would keep ’em. Plus I could use this Paint 3D (comes with Windows 10) to do the chest, and it should (in theory) be a lot easier.

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Apparently love has very little limits, but I don’t really feel the same

Posted on 09-07-2019 by Benie

I was hoping never to make this post, as it feels embarrassing as hell (like other posts I’ve made of this nature). It’s also that feeling of “wanting to help” and “being pulled into situations you really don’t wanna be in”. …While not even sure if you actually feel strong feelings for this person as they feel for you (over what they put you through, by accident).
That person.. was once my RP son; InsanelyFluffy. And now, he’s a part of the poly (and it wasn’t even my choice).
The reason being, is he feels its to “protect” him from his former relationships. And what’s even worse, he seems to forget this is my poly (when he calls BlueBio, ours). Though maybe this is the true meaning of a poly (sharing your relationships with other members of the poly), instead of just a group of really close friends (as Aftershock told me).
But this has been something he has wanted for long time.

So, how did it lead to this? For starters, this has been going on since he started having a thing for Aftershock, and he hasn’t stopped wanting to feel loved. And because of this, he carries very heavy baggage (former relationships, the way he acts, etc).
The latest that I was unfortunately forced to step in as his RP father (at the time), is JustinTheFireWolf. Since a lot of stuff happened with him (that is still ongoing to this
day, which is why I’m having to make this post), I won’t discuss what happened between a month ago to now.
All I can say, is Justin has been a pain in the ass since I first met him (even though he claims he’s trying to get better at socializing). Everytime he joins in (which to be honest isn’t that very often), it feels like he’s stalking us. Just yesterday, he was interfering of me hanging out with Cola. Felt I wanted to protect him from Justin (because he was being a bit too friendly with him).
We went to another world when Justin went AFK, only for him to follow us into this world. I was forced to create a private instance of the world and invited them all in, and told them about Justin. Nighwolf was with us, and he says that Justin’s stalking him as well.
I feel like blocking the guy, but yet I also feel that will do more harm than good. Spoke to Kovo about this, and he agrees.
–
Asked Nigh if he could take care of Justin for me, and all he told me is to “just block him”. Really? …Yes. Justin’s just a kid, and I knew this. The only thing I was worried about blocking him (other than having my reputation ruined), is him committing suicide. With this generation of kids, you never know.
But Nigh assured me Justin isn’t going to do that. I’ve known Nigh for quite a long
time, and I know I can trust his words. So I blocked Justin in VRChat.net. And so
far, nothing’s happened to me.
—
Anyway, enough about Justin. Let’s go back to Fluffy. I’ve tried, desperately, to low him like the others in my poly… but he keeps reminding me of his troubled past. And honestly I would prefer he would go back being my son again. He was good as that role.
He keeps doing the same things he has done before– using avatars with spammy
particles, not wanting to use his mic (and if he does, I hear clapping or
something), dry humping Blue for hours (or who knows else). There are things that he has stopped doing (and I’m happy for that), such as no more sound changer. But his persona is still burned into my mind, of who he was in the past.
Everytime I see that purple wolf avatar.. I see my son. Every time I see him as a sergal.. I see my son. I cannot shake those memories out of my mind, as if my common sense is telling me “you know this is wrong. He is your son. You cannot simply forget that.” And it’s so right!! I want to tell him that, but I CAN’T!! I don’t want to break his heart!

EDIT: Four days later, on a very hot September afternoon (on a somber day in America), I told him.. while he was still in school which was extremely dumb of me (as he did take it wrong). But I’m tired of keeping this to myself. Thing is, I was originally going to talk to Aftershock about this (where he can talk to Fluffy in a calmer, understanding way). But at the time, Shock was dealing with his own drama (and I don’t know if he still is).
What made me snap and tell him, is I’m getting annoyed of him always being worried about something (another thing of his past). He was worried about Nighwolf (something about another friend of mine who got butthurt over wanting to hang with Fluffy instead of him). And Nigh dealt with it in a very mature manner (very proud of him acting like an adult.. unlike Fluffy).
This is when I felt “I have to tell him. He has to know the truth.” And the truth is, there is no poly. There never was. All it is, is “friends with benefits”. That’s how it started (with Cola, then Red Fox and eventually BlueBio), and that’s how it has continued.
To say I feel bad for Fluffy is an understatement. I really do, for giving him the wrong idea of what to expect. He wanted a true polyrelationship, and now he realizes there was no actual poly (and is understandably upset with me). But it’s also his fault for not hearing myself and Aftershock talking about it. He was in the same room (so was Blue), when I said “I’m not even sure if I should label it as a poly”.
I pray this doesn’t destroy his friendship with me, and he’ll understand what I’m trying to do. But if he leaves me (and/or never speaks to me again).. then so be it as it’ll only prove he’s still that kid who’s desperate for love (and will go through any means to achieve it). Even though he might come back and be all “you’re right, I need to change”.. I have yet to see it all the times he claims he’ll change.

EDIT2: He changed his name in Discord to “depressed”, deleted his profile picture, annnd got Kovo involved. Awesome!! Way to go, acting like an adult! 🤦‍♂️
I even promised I would try to love Fluffy like before, but he soooo wanted to be part of a poly. But how he got Kovo involved, surprises me. He used this line I said, and completely took it out of context;
Kind of wish I could take back my words, and tell Aftershock only. Couldn’t tell Kovo as he doesn’t understand (nor care), plus he’s got his own drama to deal with.
He took the “nor care” part out of context, possibly thinking Kovo doesn’t care about him. That’s not what I meant at all!! When I meant “nor care”, I meant “he doesn’t care as long as you don’t get him involved”. Ugh.
Kovo also says “You’re a good man” for saying that I’ve been having second thoughts. You have no idea how many times I wish either Fluffy would snap out of this and be my son again, or just.. how I wish I never met him. Because if he doesn’t stop and act normal… I may have to do the same thing I did with Justin– block him.
Yet that has the near guaranteed ‘risk’ of having Aftershock and a few others, wanting to ‘talk’ to me about it.

EDIT3: Surprise surprise, Fluffy’s talking to me again (as if nothing happened)– still calling me “hun”. Said he fully read what I said, and understands now. Good. There will be no more “poly” talk from me either. I will be calling it my “friends with benefits group” for now on (as it’s supposed to be).
However, he’s still saying “our Blue”. Looks like he didn’t exactly read everything I said. So I kindly reminded him that this is my group, not yours. He’s welcome to love them the same way I do, but there will be no “our X” of the members of my group. To
say “our”, makes it sound like we own the person. So what part of “non-commitment” do you not understand there, Fluffy?
But he understands now, and asks me to remind him again if he strays from that path.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off

The new USB 3.0 expansion card, and how I was nearly fucked

Posted on 09-03-2019 by Benie

Yesterday, a surprise delivery happened. Surprising enough that yesterday was Labor Day. Got the USB 3.0 expansion card, not that I really need it anymore (as the issues are pretty much gone). But, since I have it, I might as well install it. But I didn’t until this afternoon as Red Fox was talking to me (someone I haven’t spoken to since my birthday. Thank God he’s still alive!)
–
Next day (today) came, after getting breakfast down me, I unplugged everything from the back of my computer and laid it down on my bed. Had to go out to the garage to get a Phillips head screwdriver for this job. After I got that, I located one of the black
slots (farthest from the video card, so the new card won’t choke up the fans). Unscrewed one of the panels, got the new card out of its anti-static wrap, and slid the card perfectly into the slot. WOW! This is a LOT easier than it was installing that Ethernet card in mother’s computer!
Replaced the screw, and felt I was done.. though I forgot the card needs to be powered with a SATA power cable. Searched through the case, not really finding one. Uhh, am I fucked?? I don’t have no free SATA power cables in this case! FUCK!!

Looking at the non-functioning DVD-RW drive, still confused why it won’t
work. Obviously it needs another cable (a SATA data cable) for it to work, yet I don’t remember even seeing one attached to it when I was unplugging everything.
Knowing I was out of options, I carefully took the power cable off of the drive and tried attaching it to the new card. Was a pain to get it at a certain angle for it to go in, but I got it.
While I still had the case open, I decided to do a search on my phone of how to install a CD drive (just to see if it actually needs a SATA data cable.. and it does). Think my brain is fucking with me of never seeing one attached.
Well, the only way I can get it to work now, is to find some sort of SATA power cable extender.. and wow, they actually exist! Then buy a standard SATA data cable, re-attach both and boom; the drive should work again.

Before I put the side panel back on, I wanted to replace the main AC power cable with the spare I got from the new PSU. Reason being, there’s an opening in the cable where it connects to the computer (and you can see the wires). You must understand though, this is a cable I’ve had for many, many years. It has worked great for that long, and has showed absolutely zero issues (even with these exposed wires). Perhaps I got extremely lucky it didn’t cause a fire (or short circuit the quite expensive parts inside the case), so it’s time to replace this very old cable (on a ‘just incase’ scenario).
But for it being months since I upgraded, I have no idea where I stored the thing. Looked everywhere in my room. Did find one, but it’s not as long as the damaged one. Found the still unopened 500W PSU I bought by accident, opened it up and grabbed its spare power cable! WOOT! Now the cable is replaced, and I feel safer.
–
Side panel back on, computer back in place, reconnecting the USB cables and other
things– wait, where’s the cable that’s connected to the Bluetooth dongle for my wireless headphones?!
The thing fell off my atomic clock, and it wasn’t in the mess of cables (or on the floor).. like it had completely disappeared off the face of the Earth. Nearly a half an hour after frantically searching, I finally found one end of the cable (thanks to buying an Amazon Basics cable, the logo told me what I would find when following it to its source… OY!! THERE it was!
Plugging everything in and turning my computer back on, MR Portal immediately launches when I got into Windows (and it’s been doing that ever since). Not what I
wanted, but AAY!! The card WORKS!! 😃

Now my USB capacity has increased to 13 ports (instead of 8), with the new card dedicated to powering the VR headset.

Posted in Computing | Comments Off

Cables and Me / “You only need one base station!” -Jusper

Posted on 09-02-2019 by Benie

Cables and Me (and why I ‘can’t have nice things’)
Got back in VR about 10:20PM or something around that time, can’t remember, after finally completing the three blog posts I wanted to get off my chest.
Before I got back in VR, I was looking for the cleaning cloth that came with the
headset (as the right lens had a smudge on it). Thought I had it in the dresser.
–
Had the headset on my bed, thought my right foot had cleared the cable (I was being as careful as I could be).. pretty sure you know where this is going, because the headset was then laying upside down, on the floor. 🤦‍♂️
Awesome, just awesome. haven’t even owned this thing for a DAY and I’m TRYING TO FUCKING BREAK IT JUST LIKE MY OLD ONE (by accident)!!! 🤬
This room’s dark-brown carpet, with black cables sitting on it.. they do not mix!! 😔 GOD I hate this room so much!! ..And as I was typing this, I noticed I was rolling over the headset cable with my fucking chair’s wheels!!
I need wireless.. everything. Wireless phone and headphone chargers too! Cables should NOT be on this floor, PERIOD!!
*takes a deep breath, trying to calm down*
————————————-
“You only need one base station!” -Jusper
Alright, so back in VR. Not really much going on, Kovo and all of his friends are playing another game, members of my poly are all offline. Didn’t see cola once yesterday. Hours later, things finally stared picking up when I saw Blue online.
Hours after that (when things were starting to die down), Jusper comes on. First time I saw him while in VR, so I’m kind of nervous (remembering what happened the last time I saw him when I had VR).
No issues with the headset (this time). He’s telling me that I should had gotten the Vive instead. Told him I did, at a time, then said how it’s not even possible to get tripods to work for the base stations, with how my room’s configuration is.
He told me “you only need one base station”. Hmm. Made me think this morning, if I was to put one of those clips on the top of my secondary monitor (as it’s higher and pointed at me), and use it to hold the base station. Interesting idea, might work.
Or put the clip on the bottom of my atomic clock. The base station there should have a clear line of sight.

Definitely something to think about, but I don’t know. Mainly, because the Vive’s cables go over your head and down your back. Saw a picture where some guy nailed hooks on their ceiling, holding the cables.. and I seriously doubt my parents would be OK with that option.
Keep thinking about accidentally running over my headset’s cable with my chair. Think about running over THREE cables coming from the Vive headset. Ugh.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal | Comments Off

A really good day (with cola).. his true thoughts for me

Posted on 09-01-2019 by Benie

A day after I said how I told Cola how much he meant to me, and how he finally told me why he can never feel love again.. yesterday was an almost about face from that. He was hanging out with me, similar to the way my son would. It was strange, but a very welcomed thing.

He was doing this, while I was in the prone position using the new model Wolves made for me. It was.. something beyond “cute”? Is that even a thing?;

He stayed with me for hours, doing this; almost showing some kind of strange emotion he swear would never be brought up again (or something close to it).
After my.. thing with Wolves, he was there to keep me sane. Without even speaking, I could feel his kind heart slowly managing to overcome my sadness of messing up like that infront of Wolves, and it was such a great feeling. All I wanted to do was stay with
him, and he wanted to do the same.

–
This lasted all the way to 3am, where he was in full body and laying down, letting me lick him and him petting my head and cheeks. Definitely inlove with you, cola. 😊

He then told me he had some things to do and needed to get off, also wishing he didn’t have to leave. Told him how much I enjoyed my time with him.
As he got up, he looked at me and said his true feelings for me– that he trusts me more than a friend. Though he never mentioned the four-letter word that starts with ‘L’ and ends with ‘E’, knowing he trusts me is the next best thing of him saying those four words.
I’m actually showing him (by actions, not words), that it’s OK to let that word come back and mean it.

This song, is that moment right now in history. I don’t want to lose you, cola. Ever.

Posted in Drama, Personal | Comments Off

WMR dev team looking into headset issues? / Cola’s troubled past, revealed

Posted on 08-31-2019 by Benie

WMR dev team looking into headset issues?
Trying to look up the name of the USB 3.0 external card I need for Jusper, I came across a rather intriguing post (in the r/WindowsMR Subreddit) from someone that works with the WMR team for Microsoft, about Error 1-4 ‘Check your display cable’.
They’re telling people to fill in bug reports of their WindowsMR errors. A bit too late for that, you know? I still have no proof the MR Portal update caused the ‘USB_SPEED_TOO_SLOW’ issue, but I decided to make a response of my issue. And if they want me to send a bug report, I will try (even though I feel done with troubleshooting a persistent enemy of an issue).
What’s troubling is people with the Odyssey+ are also reporting having this issue (with one saying “My Lenovo Explorer is completely useless”).. I feel your pain there. 😔 But, it’s good Microsoft is finally looking into it (and similar issues). And who knows, maybe all of my issues are their fault, and maybe even more my headset.. may not truly be as dead as I thought.
——————————————–
Cola’s troubled past, revealed
Last night, cola wanted to say hi to me (which was a welcomed surprise as I was still testing the dancing avatars). Tried telling him exactly how much I truly do love him.
He said “I wish I could tell you the same thing, but I can’t… for many reasons.” Said he would tell me another time, which I had to accept.
Today (rather tonight), he told me in Discord he was going to bed. Fine with me. Yet I saw him online, in a friends+ world. Joined off of him and asked if he wanted to come to a private world, so we can talk about this. He slightly nodded in agreement, so I went back home and he joined me.
After asking him to please explain from the start, he said “it’s a long, complicated story”. He also couldn’t think of words on how to describe it, so I made a wild assumption asking him “did someone.. hurt you in the past?” “You can say that” he said, nodding.
He stared explaining the first time he started to make models, he felt “very generous and kind” where he was giving them away, so they’ll have something to use.
He then mentions “finding this, very specific person” that he liked just by looking at
him, and wanted to do things for him. Saying the person had a ref sheet, so he made the model for the person.
…Then something happened when cola gave the model to the guy. The guy had
“changed, completely”. After trying to get more info on what kind of changes we’re talking about, he said that before the guy was talking to him, and he really felt a connection to the person. “Then one day.. that changed”.
Said it was a week after he got the model and started showing it off to people. My only assumption is the guy probably claimed it was his own. Then something about “meeting two other people I will not name, because that will make things weird”.
–
Said after that, this is when he stopped talking to the person, and trusting people, “for a long time”.
Then he mentions getting into another relationship, to see if he can let his emotions out again “like feelings and stuff”, and that sadly “turned out to be a flaw as well”.
He doesn’t know what the word ‘love’ is anymore (I can kind of relate there), and decided never to use that word “ever again”.
I can definitely understand now. The guy has been through a lot. He’s like an
‘anti-me’, instead of feeling the urge to feel loved, it’s replaced with darkness and
despair.
So it’s not the fact he doesn’t have feelings for me, he.. his trust issues prevent him from opening up. He doesn’t want to be wronged again, which is completely understandable. But friendly stuff such as wanting to give him a huge hug after saying all of this, it makes him actually.. feel something about me. This is what he meant by he really wanted to say he loved me, but he just can’t (and it has nothing to do with myself); it’s all his trust issues speaking for him.