Benie's General Blog

Yet another “where do I even start with this?” blog post. My thoughts are everywhere, and I’m not even sure if I should come on VRChat. Sitting here for two hours, just trying to think of words to express what I’m going through is impossible. And as I said I feel like I’m just being stupid and nothing’s going to happen.
But I guess I better start explaining myself.. alright. Well, it’s been happening since Cola got those mods. What I saw, he was hanging out with Blue (obviously to thank him for showing how to install them). Yet the way he was hanging out with Blue, made me concerned Cola is actually showing feelings toward him (but Blue isn’t seeing it, nor have I ever told him this). I just, keep feeling Cola is ‘cheating’ on me (all because of my age).
I keep being reminded of what Luna told me, how Cola’s brain “is everywhere”. And the next day it’s like all of my feelings were wiped clean.
–
Yesterday, was a strange day. Strange as in the way Cola was acting. See, I was on earlier than normal as I was testing colliders on something that I rather not disclose. I also saw someone I haven’t seen on in a long time (that I have some feelings for). And no it’s not Jero, it’s Muumiankka (creator of the Sunken Boi). The only thing that stops me from really getting to know them more, is a language barrier (can barely understand him as his accent is so unique yet also cute).
And holy fuck, moving his giant floppy ears around, is so satisfying. I stayed with him for awhile until Cola showed up (as a Nanachi), then Muum wanted to go somewhere else to check out these interesting blob avatars.
Bit later, Cola goes to a Friends+ instance of Avatar Testing. I decide to join him instead of being with Muum. Found Cola in the dark room section of the world, and was talking about how nice his avatar looks (that he did a great job). Then the next thing I know, he sits down infront of the mirror, then lays on his back, spreads his legs and motions for me to fuck him.. right then and there.
Uhh, Cola? You do realize we’re in a Friends+ instance, right? Anyone can walk in and see us! Yet he’s acting like he doesn’t care and keeps motioning for me to fuck him. And guess what happened.. someone walks in. Luckily I heard them coming and stopped myself before they could see it.
Got Cola alone when things died down and was all “are you sure you don’t want to go to a private world? Just when I do it, I don’t like knowing others are going to see it.” Yet he looked unphased by my words.
—
This morning, I was with Blue and Cola with a bunch of other friends in a Friends+ instance of Bedroom Theatre. The instance began to get really laggy (and packed) with more and more people joining. So I thought of going back to my homeworld and inviting the two to hang with me.
Cola’s still in his Nanachi, and Blue’s commenting about it. I wanted to tell Blue right then and there about what Cola did to me, but I couldn’t say it infront of him. Instead I kept quiet about it while Blue got in his Nanachi, and noticed he had a tail boner (from laying down and Cola’s colliders causing it to happen). Then I saw Cola spreading his legs as if he wanted Blue to fuck him. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, but I kept my mouth
shut (scared I would say anything bad about Cola). And Blue (who I knew was
joking) went with it (using his tail boner in a way).
The FUCK is going ON, Cola?! You haven’t been lewd in a month since you actually wanted to do it with me, then you go Nanachi and become lewd twice?! When I saw you with that model, I assumed he got it because he liked the design.. not to become one of them.
I was literally shaking of what I saw, then I heard Blue say in a shy tone “Benie, come stroke my tail boner!” I was already extremely uncomfortable, but I tried my best to shake it off and just go with it. I then said in a hushed tone “I feel so uncomfortable right now.”
20 seconds after I said this, Blue says “you think you’re uncomfortable, I feel uncomfortable when I lick your dick” …Well that just made a bad thing even worse.
I quietly messaged him about it sometime later, if he was actually serious about that comment. Says he actually enjoys it, but is just generally worried of someone walking in and seeing him. That is understandable, but what was going on still had me
speechless.
I wanted to talk to Cola about this, I really did. But I was too scared I’ll say the wrong thing and he’ll leave me. Was at this time Aftershock wanted to join, and I decided to invite him while I left the two at the mirror. We talked in the white room about Cola and I asked him if he could talk to Cola for me, but he said he couldn’t as he didn’t know Cola that
well, and wanted me to. And I tried, but ended up chickening out and went to go see
Nigh (just to get my mind off of this, not to tell him).

Saw him with a few friends, then he saw me looking upset (but I tried my best to hide
it.. failed to do a good job). So I asked him “ever have one of those days when a good thing goes bad?”, he said “yes, lots of times”. But before I could continue, I waited patiently as other friends were well within earshot of hearing me. When they all left, I proceeded to tell him everything, and asked if he would be willing tell Cola for me and he said yes.
Took him back to my homeworld, where Blue and Cola were still in (and still by the mirror). Left him to do the deed while I waited in the white room. A half an hour passed and Nigh came into the room, telling me that he told him. Plus something about to talk with Blue or Cola.. forgot what he exactly said, but I thanked him. He said “just note whatever happens, I did my best” and I said “I definitely appreciate it. Thank you so much.”
He left and I came out of the room and went over to the mirror.. saw Cola was gone but Blue’s still there. And all Blue did was ask me where I went. Told him where I was, and that I had to go see Nigh. Blue then mentions all of that time, Cola wanted him to watch them work on projects (and has been for some time of watching them make things).
Now a smart person would see this and feel it’s “just a friend thing”.. but I dunno.

.
Honestly though, I did nothing wrong here. Just Cola going through one of his things again (of not using good judgement). I just hope this doesn’t mean he’s going to block me for not coming to him directly about this, that he understands I was legitimately terrified to do so.
I also hope he learns from this. I don’t mind (at all) to do it with him… but not when anyone can just walk in and see us. If the world had a private room that can be
locked, then I would have no problem.
…Though I’m not even sure if wanting to do it with Blue was also him not using good judgement. The only thing that counters it, is my confidence Blue’s 100% loyal to
me (which is why I knew he was only joking with giving Cola what he wants).
*sighs* I just wish Cola was also fully loyal, then I wouldn’t be having to make this
post. 😦

—
EDIT, 10/10/19: So I didn’t overreact, but I clearly didn’t use good judgement. And neither did Cola. Just going to go straight to the point here; actually talked to Cola ingame this morning. I had to, or this was going to drive me insane and put me on another emotional rollercoaster.
Joined his private world and asked him to please check the messages. He did and asked me “is this about the day I showed you my Nanachi?”– almost feeling like a ‘Really…? I mean.. really? You can’t be serious’ moment. Hesitated, then said “Y–yes, yes I am.” Then I could hear the tone of his voice was not happy, like a frustrated tone, saying “I was showing you my glowing butthole that I did. No it’s not that I wanted to do it in a Friends+ world.”
Wait.. what? But I didn’t actually see it! You didn’t even TELL me that!! Asked him “why didn’t you tell me this in Discord?” He said “I have a small brain”. Pfft.. not as small as mine for reacting before thinking. He said “impossible” to that statement. But whatever. At least that part has been discussed.. now about that part where it looked like you wanted to do it with Blue. Said “What was I supposed to think??”
He said “I completely understand”, and I could feel he actually could understand how I reacted like that. But I never told him about how for sometime, I assumed him and Blue had a thing for eachother. I said “I’m sorry I overreacted”. He said “you were only protecting, and I respect that.”
Though, “protecting” wasn’t even on my mind; you cheating on me with Blue, was.
But I no longer feel this. Cola only wanted to show off his work to Blue, nothing more. It was only “a friend thing” (which is what I was trying to hammer into my head), and it was dumb of me to assume otherwise.
–
So it’s all good now. Just wonder when’s the next time I’m going to have an issue with him not telling me everything (instead of making me assume the worst).

Best way to explain yesterday, is a day I never want to happen again; a complete 180 from last Saturday/Sunday. It’s literally the “bad day” I knew I would have– it just took a week until it happened.
And speaking of that, it’s becoming less and less likely (every day) of Jero joining the
group, due to how I haven’t seen him online in three days. And overall I just don’t feel he’s even interested in joining. If this is his way of coping with the pain of
heartbreak, well.. we’ll just have to see if he comes back and is interested in joining by then, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
A bit upsetting but not unexpected, for I still have Cola and Blue (the two remaining active members).
——————————
‘Plays-With-Tails’ (fun with the new mods)
Just FYI, this would be a very hot name for a female Argonian in The Elder Scrolls
series (that I would so bang). But, this has become the new ‘pastime’ with my group eversince I got the mods installed and working yesterday. It’s like.. a entirely new experience in VR. It. is. awesome! 😁 But I also understand why the devs can’t just implement these changes… because people will abuse it. Hell, it’s so easily abusable right now, how one can use a world-sized collider and fuck with everyone’s dynamic
bones (even by accident). Such as the floor collider I have for my tail. Jumping or being at a higher elevation than others, the collider messes with their dynamic bones (their ears and tails shooting up into the sky).
Going to try to fix it on my end (shrinking the collider to only affect ones directly around me, similar to the Chibi Dutchie’s floor collider). While I’m doing that, I’m also going to add colliders to my avatar’s index finger (to have more control of playfully manipulating one’s dynamic bones). 😏

So this was one of the two good things that came out of yesterday. Now I must talk about the bad.. and how I was -this- close from saying “I’m done giving you chances!!”, if it wasn’t for someone that ‘stopped’ me.
—————————–
Fluffy’s ‘test’, and the surprising result that followed
Before you say it.. yes, Fluffy’s doing it yet again– trying to hump Blue. And he did this several times. I tried to stay calm through the entire thing (mainly because Blue at the time was with one of his friends). But when I got Fluffy away, I let him have it. And one time he even wanted me to ‘share’ Blue. Uhh.. no? How many times do I have to tell you, this is not a poly!?
Yet he claimed this was a ‘test’, to see just how protective I am of Blue (or something like that). Or how much I love Blue. But the only thing (to me) he was testing, was my
patience (and I was losing it QUITE quickly). I could had blocked him, right then and there. Told him before “If I see it again, you’re DONE!!”.
Felt beside myself, one side saying “He did it again, BLOCK HIM NOW!! You WARNED him to stop, and he STILL HASN’T!! BLOCK HIM!!! He will NEVER FUCKING LEARN!!” But the other side said “Just.. calm! Calm down. He’s still your RP son! Don’t forget this!”
I kept debating this back and forth until someone literally came rolling up to say hi; Cola in his roomba avatar. Quickly calmed down when I saw him, almost as if Fluffy asked him to come up to help. And if he did, it worked.
He switched to one of his Best Boi avatars, where I played with his ears. Hehe, these mods are awesome, and he absolutely loved it too. 😊 The love was real between us.
–
Advancing about 10 minutes later, Cola suddenly darts for the mirror behind the church. I quickly follow him and blur by Blue and some other friends who are talking on a hill. When we got to the mirror, Ruffy (one of the ones we ran by) was slightly annoyed at Cola for “running by without saying hi”, saying “you didn’t think I saw you, did you?”
I spoke up and said “well you sure didn’t see me, did you? Heh.” And Ruffy’s all “..shit, hey Benie!!” I’m 2 & 1/2 times taller than Cola, and you didn’t see me?! WOW! I see how it
is, Ruffy! *snort* 🤣
Fluffy was still upset over what he did, but Ruffy actually managed to have something snap in his head, to where he started speaking (with confidence) and being with Ruffy. It didn’t really surprise me until later on with how I heard Fluffy laughing and talking. Holy
shit, it’s a miracle! And one time he actually came up to me and verbally apologized for what he put me through, swearing this will never, ever happen again. I’m still blown away with how confident he’s speaking, and could actually feel the sincerity of his words.
Fluffy, you are forgiven. Thank you for your sincere apology.
—
So him and Ruffy are now dating. ..Which makes me Ruffy’s RP stepfather. Hazzah. It seems the RP family I never really asked for (that Jero semi-forced on me by wanting to adopt Fluffy) is growing. Hopefully Ruffy will be better behaved than Fluffy.
This is also good! Fluffy will go after Ruffy’s ass, instead of Blue’s. Fluffy also told me that he no longer has any feelings for Blue.
It all turned out great at the end. I don’t have to deal with Fluffy humping Blue, and he has a BF! Everyone wins!

EDIT: Well that was fast. Today, Fluffy told me the two broke up. Not surprising, how Ruffy tried to go a level beyond ‘rushing it’. And this felt like (between Fluffy and myself here) “well, that means I’m going to go for Blue again”, and I’m all “NO..no no no! Don’t be so hasty! Heheh.. just stay with Ruffy as friends! Let it come natural.”
So that’s what he’s going to do. I just hope I don’t see him humping Blue again. But I have alerted Blue to let me know in Discord if Fluffy tries to do it. There I can catch him red-pawed.

How in the hell do I start this one, except saying how this is yet again a discussion of what is right and wrong when it comes to VRChat modifications. So, what makes this one any different? Let’s just say it took me a LONG time until I finally understood.. how helpful it really is. For (from what I was told), doesn’t exploit flaws and bugs the devs have yet to fix– it fixes these long-standing flaws (and makes the game better for the person that uses it). It doesn’t even mess with the SDK or the client (so it doesn’t break the ToU).
And the one that told me, was Blue. He just randomly starts talking about these mods that he found where he can teleport around and stuff. Said you can also use your hand colliders to mess around with other people’s colliders. And all of this happens for anyone that uses the mods. And from what I heard from others, the ability to do this was removed for no reason. But the more I think about it, the answer is simple; we can’t have nice things as some people are assholes and set their dynamic bones to crash others (or something similar).
Speaking of crashing, it has an anti-crasher that shields you from people who love to do harm to your system (apparently people can crash you even without particles. That’s just awesome. But this mod will even stop them).

So yeah, it sounds sweet.. but what’s the catch? So far, none. Well, and to be careful to not use specific mods in a public world. That sort of thing. There is more to this, but I feel it’s just me being stupid.

I dunno why, but I still can’t shake off that last Saturday/Sunday thing. I feel the world made more of an impression on me than anything (of what true love really feels like). Watching Spirited Away, I’m all “Holy shit!! There’s the island I saw Jero at!” That movie made so much sense to the rest of that world, almost like the two Manga’s are inter-connected somehow… and that’s so freakin’ cool!!
It’s a shame though, of the way I was hiding from Raymond in that world. But in a sense I actually ‘thank’ him for getting me to stay with Jero.
Yesterday in my homeworld (that I never expected to happen as I was bored that no one I really wanted to chill with was on), he dropped a bomb that completely caught me by surprise (which caused a conversation that was long overdue since that day).
Didn’t see Jero once yesterday, so that was semi-frustrating. So like I said, Raymond wanted in while I was talking to my son about something. Let him in, he was talking about his friends having lewd feelings for the bird creature of his avatar (that’s part of a famous video game), then he said “but I’m straight”.

…Did you just say you’re straight?! First off, that’s a miracle that straight furries still exist. And second.. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! HOW can you say you’re straight when you enjoyed doing it with me?! Claims he was doing it just to make me happy.
No, no no no, don’t do that. That’s not what I want. I want both parties (me and the
other) to be happy about it. Don’t do it just for me, do it because you want to.
Needed to explain the purpose of the group. And since I didn’t feel like talking about it again, I decided to let Fluffy explain it. But all this did was cause so much confusion on Raymond’s part (not understanding what Fluffy was saying).
I was eventually forced to explain the entire thing, all the way to going over the ‘rules’ put in place to ensure everything goes smoothly. But Raymond still didn’t understand fully, of why I didn’t tell him this sooner. Thing is, he never asked, and it was my fault for not telling him either.
So now he understands why he can’t really be in the group, because rule #5 isn’t met. And that rule is “Above all else, this group was designed for ones that love me more than a friend. But if I don’t feel strong feelings for you, you cannot be in the group.” Same goes for Fluffy. It may sound dumb to you, but to me.. if you’re going to be part of the
group, you need to have a reason– a purpose for being there (and not to ‘make me happy’).
To me, it’s a simple request. I want to feel loved, and that’s not ‘dumb’ to me. Just doing it with me, isn’t going to win me over. I need to feel love and compassion that I cannot get from a normal friend.
As for this thing about him being straight, he sees it as RP; how his character can change into different forms of itself (including being female). But I had to explain to him “I haven’t RP’d in many years. And when I did, it was controlled solo RP. And the only thing I RP now is of my son. But when it comes to myself, I don’t RP.

You might think this is a strange and bizarre title. But what if I was to tell you, that I’m not joking when I say it… that this just might be something I’ll have to do; looking for brand new people to.. replace the three that love me, as I feel fate is desperately trying to break us apart in an attempt to show me “nothing lasts forever”; causing RL issues for them that will stop it.
Happening with Red Fox, and it just started happening with Cola. And it’s in the beginning stages of happening to Blue.
-Red Fox: his life– everything imaginable is falling apart. Lost their internet
connection. Probably will lose their home (if that hasn’t already happened). All he has is his phone, which he would probably also loose with time. It’s so bad, he can’t even start to explain it; only that it has gotten worse and worse since I last spoke to him. One of these days, I might not ever see him again. And the only memory I’ll have, is his avatar (which will be honored when that day happens).
-Cola: …Where do I even start with him, without saying he’s “the most dynamic one of the group”? And what I mean by ‘dynamic’ is “constantly changing”.. go from multiple emotional rollercoasters, to knowing he actually does love me.. or so I think. Doubts plenty. And those doubts came from him telling me he has 2-3 years to live (but doesn’t see me as a reason to try his best to live longer than that).
-BlueBio: The last that joined the group, and could possibly be ‘the last surviving
member’ of the group. Feels he’s not a good friend to Thresio (who constantly wants to play different games and keeps trying to get him to play other games than VRChat). Blue wants to tell him that VRChat’s his life, and wants VR so bad yet doesn’t see it happening anytime soon with his shitty life, and that bills are getting worse for his parents.
—
As you can see, fate is doing this to me. The hopeful part, Blue’s the only one I could help
out (as he lives in Kentucky); change my life around, get a job, get my driver’s
license, move out of my parents house, I could have him live with me. He’s desperate enough to live in an attic, as long as he gets out of that trailer.
But..since that sadly isn’t going to happen anytime soon, trying to get him to have VR.. is. Find a way to disinfect the pads of my Lenovo Explorer, then walk up to the post office (or use Uber) and mail it to him free of charge (on his end). He’ll be able to see if the issue is in the headset or the cables. And if he can get it working, then he’ll finally have VR. 👍
It’s the only thing I can truly do for him. I can’t help him out with his living problems, but I can by getting him into VR for free (if he can fix the issue with my old headset)

.
I’ll be making another post sometime today of another thought that’s been going through my mind; Jero, and if he’s even interested in joining the group.

Ever have one of those days that you hate being right? Well I was quite right. But yesterday wasn’t as “bad” perse in VRChat as I thought. It had things I did going wrong, crushed hopes (by VRChat’s coding), avoiding someone that I stupidly added to the group… but this morning, it got better of being with someone I still have strong feelings for (who’s not part of the group ….yet. Only time will tell when (not ‘if’) he decides to).
–
Now what I meant by a “bad day”, actually happened from something I saw on TV IRL. On the weekends (at this time of year), there’s a 50/50 chance to be able to watch the 6pm news on my local channels (while eating dinner). And no, as every channel was being used for college football (and the latest even one channel would have it was 7pm (which is usually when I’m done with dinner). 😑
Yep, bad day! None of the group came online (made me sad 🙁). Cola was super busy doing whatever he does, Blue was either sleeping or playing Borderlands 3 all day, and Red… there’s a chance I may never see him online ever again due to something serious going on in his life (but he occasionally comes online with his phone to say hi).
But, I found ways to cope with it. The day before, I finally did what I was planning to do for a long time (but felt too embarrassed to do so)…. hot, steamy (spawnable) sex poses. 😅

Yes I know I’m going to the darkest pit hell for what I’ve done. “That’s ‘the big gay'” they say. But hey, in my defense, I was wearing socks, and there were no balls touching– so it wasn’t gay. 😛
Also, you may be wondering “WOAH!! How did he get away with posting a slightly suggestive image on Imgur?!”, because I didn’t. That same day, I managed to reconfigure ShareX to use this website’s SFTP access (and made a folder) to upload pictures right on
it (which in turn, makes this website an image hoster)!! No more risk of them (and everything else ShareX auto-uploaded to them) being deleted for violating their TOU.
Only downside to this, I have to use Filezilla to manually delete images off the server I don’t want anymore. But it’s a small inconvenience for the peace of mind these images aren’t being viewed by anyone outside of looking at this website (or Discord).
Now yesterday I was fixing the ‘doggie-style’ ones of Cola and Red to look a lot less like their spines had nearly collapsed into itself. I don’t have pictures of these sadly, as they were too ugly to show.
–
But I ran into a problem. The day before, I had to raise them up to be ‘typical bed level’. Though due to when.. erm.. ‘field testing’ being a good way of explaining it, when looking down I was completely losing the tracking in my headset (a typical thing for WMR headsets that are in my room, with a dark brown carpet not really helping with giving it the ample light it requires to keep working). …Anyway, I made myself Best Boi-sized in Unity to hopefully counter this.
But after realizing my virtual 🥒 won’t fit (when disabling collisions on the bed) because I’m now too short, I reverted back. And by doing so, this made the poses higher than they were supposed to (and I had to re-adjust them).
Speaking of my virtual 🍆, I wanted to make it where it would appear when I also spawned in a pose. But since spawnable things have to be in the Armature (and the pickle was on the Hips), it’ll spawn but it won’t be attached. Tried to use VRC_Inventory in hopes it would combine the two different locations into one toggle animation.. fat chance as it made two toggle animations. 🤦‍♂️ Not helpful. Oh well.

Then I had this crazy idea, but an idea I had with the body pillows, to spawn a pose and pick them up like an intractable world object. Felt these poses are technically
objects, so all I have to do is add all the scripts to make them pickup-able. Made a clone backup of what I was doing and got to work on that. When I finished and was preparing to upload.. this showed up;

…DAMNIT!! 😒 I knew it wasn’t gonna work. You can’t have an avatar act as a world. That’s why they exist. It took awhile to get over this failure, as I SO wanted it to WORK.
Decided to go to the movie world and watch Bettlejuice (while spawning in three poses to make them look they were watching it with me).
It felt really cool, as if they were there with me. And it sparked another idea to do something similar to the ‘Group Hug’ pose that I did. Except make this a new set of poses where they’ll be simply chilling next to me. Since I’m pretty much done with the sex
posing thing, why not do something more mellow that I can use even in a public world when I’m bored and lonely?
—
But that’s not the only reason why I was there though.. I was hiding from
someone, someone that doesn’t feel the way I do. Someone in the back of my mind, I questioned if he even has feelings for me. That someone is Raymond, and I mentioned him before. A day ago, he asked me if he could be part of the group. And I said yes (by complete accident.. without remembering that he’s not like the others who care about me).
Yesterday, I was in the Room of the Rain (very popular hangout world due to its mirror and the video player). Was with some friends and at the time I was showing them how much I cared for Raymond to be part of the group. At that time I was perfectly fine with it.
I showed him the dances I did, and he questioned them. Told him “I made this where if they aren’t around, they still are in spirit”… then things went south pretty quickly with him saying how I was “joking”; pretty much questioning my sanity. I didn’t enjoy hearing
that.. not from him, or from anyone. And I did my best to avoid him at all costs.

And that was pretty much it for that Saturday. Now moving into this morning… I went to go see Jero who was in a public world. Going by the title of the world he was in, I thought it was some sort of movie world. Instead.. it was much different. It was based off of a manga I saw in the main movie world a long time ago (that my mother enjoys
watching); Howl’s Moving Castle. And WOW, what they did to capture the hand-painted beauty of that manga is amazing!!
You can actually go inside Howl’s Moving Castle, and the interior I swear is straight from the manga! This is freakin’ awesome. Sadly though, you can’t go everywhere. There’s an exterior, but it doesn’t go anywhere else. Hopefully more will come in the future.
Beyond the mountains, there’s a tram that goes between two stations. If you miss the
tram, you can use the teleporter. This is where I found an AFK Jero, surrounded by randoms who seemed like they were defending him.
10 or so minutes later, the randoms leave and I’m free to be with Jero. Even while he was AFK, I stayed with him for the longest time.. remembering the past I had with him. Another reason why I stayed with him that long…. Raymond was in the world too (but he couldn’t find me). I wanted for it to stay like that, for Jero is the only one that showed true compassion for me.
Fluffy’s now in the world looking for me, DMing where I’m at. Told him where to go and to not let Raymond see you. Instead himself AND Raymond are on the tram coming to my location.. SHIT!! Quickly ran from Jero and hid behind a building before they showed up on the island. Saw them searching and respawned, annoyed of Fluffy thinking he didn’t listen to me. He tells me that he followed Raymond… I almost feel he told him where I was. But, meh.
–
So, I’m back on the main island, hiding from Raymond. Pathetic, yes. But what can you do if you were in my spot and you didn’t know what to tell him (when you ‘hate being the bad guy’ by telling it like it is)!? But if I was never like this, I would had never had Jero literally run up to me while I was trying to get back to the island thinking he’s still AFK (and talked to him for a good 20 minutes).
I offered him a proposition: welcome him with open arms, to join my group. Said he wished he could say yes, but he’s in a relationship with one of Frost’s friends. I completely understood and wished them luck, but also said “the door is still open for you, if it doesn’t work out”. To have him (who I called “the fun version of Wuffer”) be part of the group.. I can’t even think of words to describe how happy I would be. His voice melts my heart and makes me not want to let go.
Fluffy, and Raymond about 10 minutes later join us. I’m thinking “oh shit, what do I do?” And it’s almost as if Jero looked me in the eye and said “don’t worry Benie, I’ll handle this.” Like he read my mind, because I never told him about Raymond, and I’m glad I didn’t. He defused the situation saying everything’s fine and stuff like that. Raymond then looked at me, and I pretty much said the same thing. Sometimes you have to lie to keep order. Plus with Jero there, I didn’t want him think I’m a bad person.
We went to another world and stayed there for the rest of the morning ’till it was time for me to get to bed. I wished I could had stayed with Jero forever (just to be within his loving embrace), and to give him a feeling that there’s a way out if their relationship isn’t going to work. And I feel like I left a lasting impression on him. 👍 Hopefully one day, he’ll come and say he wants to join the group.
As for Raymond, I feel I should give him another chance. He obviously just doesn’t understand what I’ve been through.

And so, there we go. I actually wouldn’t call the day “bad” by any stretch (as Jero came to my rescue). Infact, I feel this is going to be a day that isn’t going to leave my mind for awhile; felt it left a lasting impression on myself too. 🙂

Wow are you folks fast. No sooner than 10 minutes after posting the last blog post, most of you actually want the long version!
Now, before I start, I just want to give a quick warning: I don’t remember everything that happened, word for word while I was on that rollercoaster; only bits and pieces. If you folks are OK with this, then I see no problem.
So, let’s begin. Now this was made the day it happened, so its contents are very raw. But I never published it because it was too long (and too ‘fragmented’.. my mind was everywhere that day). This was also the day after I was dealing with Fluffy.
=====================
First, what’s been happening four days ago (when he was acting really strange– leaving and going to other worlds without saying or showing anything to me). And the
coup-de-grace, came from when Cola found an issue with his dancer (I had forgotten to set the normal map on the other side of his avatar). I took off my headset, swearing I would fix it for him (for not seeing this before). Having that, made me feel I was ‘insulting’ him, and I wanted to make it right ASAP.
I fixed it and uploaded the fix. When I put my headset back on.. he was gone. I didn’t understand why. I told him I swear I would fix it immediately (for him). Yet, he does
this– going to another world and not telling me anything.
Was getting ready to go to bed, I told him;
Nighty night, Cola. Got your dancer fixed by the way (really wish I saw that issue a long time ago. Surprised I’ve been that blind). Love you! 🧡💋
…Not a word, since then. No response. So what the fuck am I supposed to THINK?!?!
–
Now, yesterday. I had just finished removing Fluffy from the group dances (and redoing the group hug thing). It was pretty late, none of the group were on. So I decided to hop on and see some friends (hoping Cola or someone else of the group would show up, and I can show them the new dance that I added).
Blue came on, but was in a private world (with a few others). Then later I saw him in Cards Against Humanity. I also noticed Cola was there (but I didn’t join, as I was hoping that eventually he would come to see me). I stayed with the friends for the longest time, but my patience was starting to wane and I finally went there, hoping to just watch and see if one of them were to come over and see me. The world’s been changed, there’s no longer a waiting area now with a locked door.
Almost as soon as I saw them, I saw Cola leave.. actually heading to the world I was in. Uhh, the fuck?! I.. what– ever, I guess? I hope and pray he didn’t get the bad idea that I was losing my patience waiting for him to say hi. I went back, but this time kind of pretending that I was there for a long time. I showed Cola the dances, and he liked it. Then we cuddled, and I was happy. I told him how warm I feel with him next to me, and it just felt perfect.
I gave him a kiss, and then he disappeared. I felt “he’s probably just getting his full-body on him and he’ll be back in about 5 or so minutes. I can wait!” So I waited, and waited, and waited… and waited. 15 minutes later, this is taking an unusually long time for someone to get their tracker straps attached to their legs.
I check SteamVR’s virtual desktop….. uhh. WHAT?! He’s playing ANOTHER GAME?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! ….I…..I…. wha– did I.. is it ME?! Did I say or do something wrong?! The doubt level was through the fucking roof, at that time. I turned into a pile of depression and sadness. Checked my online list and saw Blue was in another instance of this world, and joined him (hoping he would see me and we can talk about this). But that never happened, instead it was another of my friends who wanted me to talk to them.
Went back, to people I felt I could trust with this (because Nigh was there, and he has helped me so many times).

I was able to speak to him about this (and about what happened with myself, Fluffy and Blue). A best friend of Nigh that has been with him for 6 years, overheard what I said and felt I should had never given Fluffy a final chance; that he’s just going to “walk all over
me”, feeling he can “get away” by doing things like this. But I assured him that this would be the absolute final time.
So he had me promise him that when he screws up again, I will block him on every form of social media. And I did. I just hope to never have to do it, but he said “give it a month or two and he’ll be right back at it”.
–
Later on, Blue DM’d me saying he was getting off (had work to do) and that he loved me. I never responded back as I was in pain of what was going on. It was then that Cola, joined the world (but ran right past me). At that time, my depression turned into
frustration (and hate), saying “you had your fucking chance to be with me” and went back to my homeworld. One of the reasons, Fluffy was trying to join but I couldn’t invite him, as the instance owner of this Friends only instance isn’t friends with him.
Invited Fluffy to my private instance, there I told him everything; with what I was told about him, and of Cola. He understood and thanked me for giving him one last chance.
I then felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel.. when I asked him to talk to Cola for me, to have him see that my love is absolutely real for him. And I just wanted to know (at the time) if I had finally gotten him out of that shell, or I had failed to do so.
—
He returned about 10 minutes later, and told me that Cola would join and tell me personally what’s going on, to finally settle this ‘dispute’ of my doubts with him. But
he(Cola) was having issues trying to do so (or something else). It was getting very early in the morning and Fluffy said he had to go to bed (as school was soon). I let him go, and then Cola joined. Really wish I was recording at this time, as I’m not sure if every word is absolutely true or not.
And after speaking for 10 minutes (and him leaving as I really didn’t have much else to say to him), it was clear to me… that I had failed to get him out of his shell. So, my doubts were half-right; it’s not that he doesn’t love me as I love him, he can’t love me as I love him. He wants to, but he can’t. He’s…. incapable of showing that emotion. And it makes me
feel, that I’ve failed at my mission to break him out of that shell that he says is “under heavy lock and key”, and he “can’t find the key”.
So, in a way, he’s kind of like me. But instead of being stubborn of needing to change my life for the better, he’s stubborn of showing love. And you know, what’s worse? ..He told me, to “treat him as an object” to “not expect anything in return”. …I can’t!! That would be, degrading! It’s WRONG to think that, Cola!! An object, doesn’t have emotions! An
object, isn’t alive! And he told me “I’m pretty much dead inside”. I was hoping I could break him from feeling this! When he told me I was “lovable”, I felt I finally had done it! Now, I feel I’m back at square one. What do I have to do, to prove to him that I’m not like the others (that made him like this)?!
Then he said: “let me give you a piece of advice.. stop trying”. That’s when I pretty much had nothing else to say, but thanked him for being honest with me. That’s when he
left… didn’t know what to think afterwards.
=====================
That was when the emotional rollercoaster started– those two words: “stop trying”. He could had taken this into a much better way, but he didn’t. And I… feel like I actually cried myself to sleep. 😭
The next day I told Fluffy, who was bothered by this and it was messing up his schoolwork. So I had to lie in order to protect him, saying I was fine. I waited until he got back from school to reveal that I was lying. Yet all I was doing was using Fluffy as an emotional punching bag (without him even realizing). I seriously do feel bad for it and that just added to the deep depression I was already in.
As the day went by, all I could think of was how Cola just left a huge gap of where he stood when he was part of the group. And what was worse.. what the fuck do I do with his avatar? I have to… remove it from the dances. I even questioned with Red and Blue, was it even worth calling it a “group” at this point.
Do I.. ‘allow’ former lovers into it (since Cola’s avatar is there)? That means Fluffy could easily re-join (even though I never really loved him more than just a son).
I feel like I need to talk to someone, anyone about this (that would understand), but I– is it even worth it (since I can’t make up my mind)? And will I accept any alternatives (that could be even more questionable than what I’m going through)?

Much later, something snapped in my mind– a voice suddenly coming out of
nowhere, telling me to open up Unity and do things to express my pain. And so, I did this as the group pose…

It made me realize, I still got these two that love me very, very much; the ones that I was scared how they would react if they met eachother and knew that I loved both of
them (and surprised me of how well they did).
Red Fox there, saying while giving me a huge hug: “it’s OK. We’re here for you. We love you.” And Blue, nuzzling me (as if he got VR, just to make me feel better).
…I was in literal tears as I was writing this at that time.
It also told me, to replace Cola with… myself (to keep a 3rd dancer), saying it’s the only way to rid him from the group (and my mind). And, I will. I’m already picking 7 songs that I feel would closely describe my feelings (with a few in there, just for fun). And I thought that would help. It definitely got him off of my mind for a bit (while raging about animations ending before the song).
That afternoon, I also decided to talk to Cola’s former boyfriend, Luna. Yes, the two broke up about a month ago to this day (I think). But it wasn’t how don’t love eachother, it was they felt it was best to do so, and remained as friends (…until Cola did a dick move and deleted Luna’s old avatars and told me to keep it a secret from him). Cola defends this move saying what Luna got was “superiorly better” than the skins he made for him, and felt Luna didn’t ‘need’ them anymore.. which Luna was never notified and was understandably upset. This annoyed Cola, and the two stopped speaking to eachother.
However, Luna tells me he’s still alright with Cola as a person (as he’s much more of an adult than I am). By the way, I tried to record this conversation.. but failed hardcore as I forgot to set ‘Listen to this device’ on the mic.
He told me “Cola is a complicated person. His brain can be.. everywhere. It all depends on being there at the right time.” and said Cola “would come around” and I should try
again… despite what Cola just told me a day ago. So he left as he really couldn’t say anything else. Before I went to bed I sent him a message stating I forgot to tell him Cola said how to ‘see’ him ‘as an object’, but he still felt I should try again. But when I asked if he was sure, his response was “idk”.
Asked him “If you don’t know, how would I know?” And to this day of writing this, he never responded back with an answer (as if he knew that maybe giving up and facing reality that I’ve lost my chance when I confronted Cola, is the best option).
=====================
The next day is when I finally uploaded the changes to the dances (having lost 3+ hours of work the night before due to Unity permafreezing over trying to post animation keyframes of trying to shorten the animation of a song). To counter that frustration, I made a AutoHotkey script that will auto-save the current active window every 5 minutes.
When testing them out ingame, the depression suddenly came back. All this felt was a desperate attempt to get rid of the pain. It did work for a bit, but it came right back. I could see Cola in the place of my avatar, and it just felt so upsetting.
It then started to make me question of how in the fuck Red and Blue still love me, when neither of them have asked if I’ve been doing alright. I then removed my profile pic from Discord, not wanting to look at it again. …And of course, as I feared would happen (which is why I swore to never do it before), friends started getting concerned about me and asking “are you OK?” *sighs*
One of those, refused to get the fact they couldn’t help me (talking about RedJoker) and kept pressuring me to speak. I am NOT in the right mindset, Joker. PLEASE, for your own safety, leave me alone. He gave me ‘advice’ of joining a dating website. Not helpful, Joker. Please.. GO AWAY!! You. cannot. help me!!
That evening, behind my back when I was talking to Fluffy about this, he got Aftershock involved. I was a bit upset he went behind my back, but not mad. Fluffy claimed he could help me, so I felt “fine, I’ll take all the advice I can get (as long as it’s helpful)!” I told Aftershock everything, including feeling that I feel I may’ve rushed it on Cola. But he didn’t think so, which I erased from my mind. He though, like Luna, felt I should give this another go.
This was the first time I actually felt someone was getting through to me.. until I started feeling “will he(Cola) even forgive me for this?” “Is it even worth trying?” I asked him these questions, and all he could say is “you’ll find out”… that only put me back on the ride, as I would rather have Cola tell me.
=====================
Next day, I was getting more people asking what’s going on with my profile picture. I’m also starting to get bitter with my own son. As I said in the abridged version, my mental state was deteriorating every day. So he’s telling me to speak to Cola about my
feelings, saying there’s always hope and to believe it.. I did believe in hope, when I thought I actually got Cola to break out of his shell by saying “I love you too!”
…That hope DIED horribly. Told him to (again) do it for me as I didn’t feel confident enough to risk being told no. And since I felt “this is your idea. When it fails (which it
will), don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
That afternoon was when I tried to clear my head of Cola and focus on checking out the new ‘Virtual Market 3’ event in VRChat. Invited Fluffy (which was the first time I got back into VR after what Cola told me), asking him to check for Cola to do the thing. The event’s pretty cool, by the way, but the ‘Hall’ world has a section where my framerate tanked to where I was getting disconnected.
One such disconnect, I saw Cola was online and alerted Fluffy as I was being escorted back to my homeworld (even though I was going to go there anyway to wait for him to bring Cola there). This time (compared to the first time he tried this), Cola never responded. This to me is showing his true colors… but it also greatly upsetted me that I was actually right. I was hoping Fluffy would actually prove me
wrong.
Meanwhile, at that same time, someone else asked about my profile picture. But, it wasn’t just a friend… it was one of the group; Red Fox. I prayed he wouldn’t want to know what’s going on, but he got me talking. And you know what..? I’m glad he did. He didn’t do what Joker did. I felt, true compassion from him. I could feel my soul, feeling… warm, as in it felt it was filled with love. It was, the best feeling since what happened. He told me the facts; “we are definitely more than just friends” he said.
Here I was, being in the dark, feeling cold, alone, and unsure. And then I see this beam of beautiful light piercing it, going through me. I could feel my soul, being warmed with love. I actually cried from how happy it felt!! This is what I so desperately needed.
Infact he stayed with me when I was in my homeworld, and I was telling him what Fluffy told me about Cola, and “having hope”. ..I didn’t mean to snap at him, I really didn’t. But I DID warn him! I TOLD him, it would fail! But he held onto “hope”. There IS NO HOPE ANYMORE (with Cola)!!! IT’S OVER!!! …There is no more ‘hope’. 😔
Fluffy went to bed, and I asked Red what should I do about Cola. Should I, unfriend and block him to get him out of my life? He felt that would be unwise, and said I should talk to him. Mmmm…. maybe I will. But I’m still unsure.
Later that day, I wanted to talk to Blue about this. He never once asked, yet I know he does love me so maybe it wasn’t intentional. Cola was there, but I did my best not to make eye contact with him. Yet what I also saw, is he looked like he was.. hiding from me. 😲 What the hell? I thought he hated me for what I did! …Is, there actually still an extremely small sliver of hope, desperately clinging to life?!
Got Blue to my homeworld and explained everything to him. And when I was done, the first thing he did was “you need a hug”. Once again I felt that warmth from someone I truly loved. He told me what Red said, but in his own way; “nomatter what you say, I’m never going to leave you. You’re stuck with me.” And I don’t mind that one bit! 😚
=====================
The next day, the VRChat servers were being DDoS’d in the afternoon by some asshat. They did catch him, only for it to restart at night (which took the same length of time for the servers to recover from it). And as for me, fueled by the love from Red and Blue, I felt this was the day I would be able to get off of this emotional rollercoaster. Told Fluffy “I feel today is going to be a great day”. I was ready to deal with this. If he won’t face Fluffy.. he’ll face me.
So, I told him in a DM, saying “I think we’re both tired of these ‘childish games'”, “For months I’ve been a friend to you”, “I have the exact date when you told me I was
‘lovable’.”, and finally ending with “The ball is in your court, Cola. Do you walk away, or do you try with me one last time? I pray that you’ll give me another chance.”
An hour passed, he.. actually responded. “I’ll give you one more chance to change me. and I think we might need to have a talk as well”. Yes, Cola. We should have a talk. From what felt like I was so pumped and ready to END this shit …then my doubts kicked into overdrive of how he said “I will give you one more chance”. That. felt. so.. ‘is it even worth going through that effort again!?’ type of thing.
Clearly he was bothered about something, and those words kept bothering my
mind.. trying to put me back on that rollercoaster. But, this is good. I actually had him respond to me since.. since this whole mess started happening (when he completely stopped talking to me). So I need to stand my ground, and face my fear of.. being put back on that rollercoaster. Finally the time to talk to Cola ingame happened, and this time I made sure I was ready for recording. But, my mind suddenly lost all that built-up confidence when I started speaking to him (which was the reason why I stuttered a
lot). But I cannot run away, not anymore.
Now I will not quote the contents of this recording (as this blog post is already too long). But all I can say is it caused even more doubts than before. But one crucial thing I must mention is he said that he wants me to give him another chance.
…Should I even forgive him, for the hell I just endured those four days?! No longer did I feel scared or depressed, but angered. He could had STOPPED this fucking emotional rollercoaster DAYS ago, if he had used better words!!
That night (before I went to bed), I very calmly expressed the pain and sadness he put me through. Yes I’m mad, but it’s not worth scaring him away. Every feeling, was laid on the table. That entire conversation, came under investigation.. all so I won’t be hurt again by him. Then I went to bed while using my phone to see if he’ll respond to it. And he
did.
His response somewhat surprised me. He said “I am sorry”, begging me for forgiveness of his “horrible horrible Non-existing feelings”. I asked if his words were sincere, and he said yes. So, I forgave him, finally free of that dreaded emotional rollercoaster. ..That was until he wouldn’t respond with “I love you too”, and again I questioned if I should give him another chance.
Back on the ride I go…
=====================
The FINAL day, that brings us to today. Fluffy’s not that active. I try to hear him out with how he went to the doctor, but my mind was still filled with Cola.. still filled with doubting myself if it’s worth giving him another chance. Fluffy feels I should give him at least a day as he feels Cola is stressed and/or overwhelmed of what we’ve done to him with all of these DMs.
Still constantly doubting myself, not really seeing what he’s telling me. To me, I seriously wish I was like Frost when it came to that conversation with Wufy (how he was patient with all of his doubts). The guy’s been through a fuck-ton more than I have, and he was there with me when I was dealing with Wuffer.
A half an hour into the conversation later.. Fluffy’s words finally caused something to snap in my head, that changed everything. This, is when I had ENOUGH of this ride and slammed on the brakes. I..have to apologize to Cola!! I have to make this right!!
While Cola was offline, I wrote down what I wanted to say to him ingame in a .txt file. With him online much later in the evening, I had everything ready for recording and went in.
Cola’s in a private world. I’m feeling somewhat unlikely he’ll even show up (as it’s possibly late for him). Doubts are starting to come back, but suddenly they begin to be replaced with.. “you know, I did tell him I would try to forget what happened. To tell him, would mean I’m lying to him.” And as I’m talking to myself, I turn around and– there Cola’s sitting down infront of me. OSHI– hi!! Didn’t expect you to join!
So, I go over my words. And in my words, I ask him to “please think very carefully before you respond”. After I finish.. he’s at a loss for words. But I had accidentally put so much into his mind to process, and by his request I slowly explained what I’m talking
about.
And wow.. SOOO much better than before!! It’s like I was talking to a new and improved Cola! And two critical things emerged from this very productive conversation, where I’m now doubt-free (and it feels so good to get off that ride);
1. His shell has cracked substantially, telling me he has “no problem expressing love”. And he has possibly revealed the name that one of the two that may had hurt him in the past. And to prevent more drama, I will not reveal that name. But he said the two are “just buddies right now”.
2. He has revealed the source of why I’ve been having so many doubts.. the reason why he can’t fully say “I love you” to me. He told me he has a list of the requirements for him to show love, and I have surpassed in all.
…All but one major (to him) flaw, that has plagued me since the first time I dated someone this year– the age gap. He’s 21.. I’m 43. And he acts as if I should be upset by this too. But if I truly was, I.. well, I would had never formed the group, or dated anyone this year. Plus I would had never pursued wanting to show Cola my true affection for him. So, I have no problem! Hell, I made myself Bi so I wouldn’t have a problem!!
One time he was nearly willing to forget about the age gap, saying everything else I’ve done is “perfect”. But, I feel that he has to make that decision if we are to continue being more than friends, or just friends.

And so, that is it! You folks asked for it, and there it is, the non-TL;DR
version– completely unedited and raw.
I’m still waiting for him to reach a decision. It could take a few days, but hopefully not up to a month (as that would be too long). But I did tell him that nomatter what his decision is, I will still be a great friend to him.
—
EDIT: I actually don’t think I’m going to get a response out of him. And you know what…? I’m quite alright with it. 😊 I was with him in the morning (in that 1950’s Diner World. You know, the same Diner when I thought I had gotten him out of that shell). And just like before, it felt really magical. The music, and feeling him nuzzling next to me.. there’s just no better way to describe it, apart from true love.
…And looking back at all of this, brings up two things;
1. Luna was right (of course spending a lot of time with Cola), when he said that he “would come around”. That and how he said how Cola’s mind “is everywhere”. Especially when I had told Cola “let’s continue where we left off”. He questioned with “we.. did at some point?”, completely forgetting when he told me to “stop trying”.
2. Something that I had completely overlooked (and forgotten), that Aftershock once told me when it came to Jero. He had told me to “stop seeing true love as a trophy or a
title”.. which sadly is what I was doing with Cola (to get him to say “I love you” to
me), using this ‘mission’ to get him to realize I’m different than the others.
When in reality, I was already doing it and not realizing.. I was being myself, which is what you’re supposed to do. The days of ‘impressing’ someone, should be gone. We’re not animals fighting for rights to breed. Our minds are far larger than theirs (thanks to evolution), and there is no need for competition to ‘win’ someone’s heart. Being yourself with who you feel is ‘the one’; this is what wins hearts.
In other words, I should had never expected him to say “I love you”. Just being with me, is enough, and it should always be that! Like what happened last night, that was perfect. Feeling him next to me, feeling that warmth of true love, is literally the same of saying “I love you” (without actually saying it).
And that is what should be my mindset about this from here on out; to be happy he wants to be with me, even though he might never say “I love you”. He does, and sometimes it’s better with actions than mere words (especially for someone like Cola who has trouble explaining his true thoughts for someone).
–
So, I’m completely reversing what I’ve done in Unity (re-adding Cola to the group pose and his dances). It’s the right thing to do. 👍 As for my avatar being a dance, I’m actually going to keep it (create another clone to re-add Cola).
I’ve had an idea for quite sometime, of having all three of the past BTD/BTDB models and their skins (BenieTheDragon Boi 1.0/2.0/and the recent BenieTheDragon 3.0 that I’ve had for months) as dancers, and maybe even having Red Boi 1.0 and 2.0 (my first custom Best Boi’s and how I learned to do a toggle animation).