Benie's General Blog

Yes, I just made a Halloween pun, as it’s officially Halloween 2019. Yet I’m not really in the best of moods. Though I’m also happy.. happy’ish, that I finally have gotten all of my questions answered. Yes it hurt (me), yes it felt nervous at times (to me), but I’m glad it’s done– even questions relating to the doubts I had, have been answered. This means I officially no longer have romantic feelings for him. First Garruk, and now Jero. Cutting those romantic ties for non-group members was painful, but it had to be done.

Due to how many questions were answered (and to not make this blog post too long, I decided to turn into a ‘Q&A Section’. Before I do so, I need to say how this even
started.
–
While I was typing the previous post, I felt confident that I could ask Jero if he’ll be able to actually come on tonight, and get the post done before he responds. But delays happened and Jero responded sooner than expected. This time he wasn’t saying “work makes me tired”, told me he couldn’t pay his rent. But instead of being homeless, his very kind landlord put him in an apartment. Said he was still shaken up, and I gave him a virtual hug.
He thanked me, then asked how I was doing. Was about ready to say “I’m good
dude, nothing major going on.” but he kept talking, so I waited to see what he says. “did u want to talk to me in chat about something if u can?” was what he said. Pondered for a moment, then thought ‘what the hell, just do it’. Well, I tried to do it (was nervous as
hell) fearing I’ll say something offensive, and saying ‘well’ a lot). Was never ready to explain all of this in text. Felt doing it by voice would’ve been much more genuine, and contemplated by asking him if we could use voice chat instead. But with my bad memory of short-term things (and how important this was), I’m glad I did it in
text.
Finally started to loosen up by mid-paragraph. And so, here we go. Q&A Time! There will be time for thoughts after the session.
——
Q: How long have you and Chris been dating?
A: “its been a month”, he claims.
–
Q: When I gave you an option to join the group, am I to assume you were never really interested, the reason you never asked to know more about it?
A: It wasn’t because he feels guilty for my doubts causing the group to form, it wasn’t because of my age, and it isn’t because he’s not into that thing. He simply wants to stay within the confines of Frost’s group (over the shitstorm that happened when everyone joined Scooby, when he was dating him).
—
Q: Why did you date Scooby, despite telling me “I don’t know how relationships work” when you broke up with me?
A: He didn’t immediately want to move on. Scooby wanted to help him out by dating
him. Yet, Scooby was manipulative, which got Jero to break out of his shell.. not because of myself.
—
Q: So, if you actually loved me, then why did you never tell me then? Why did you cause me to have so. many. doubts about you?! WHY?! WHY was it so hard for me to understand if you truly did love me?!?!
A: Despite all of my attempts to prove I would never ever hurt him (of the guy that
did), his thoughts were too clouded to see it.
—
Q: If things were different (IE, you were like Cola and admitted you had feelings for
me), and we (officially) dated, would you had minded if I wanted to stay as an online relationship?
A: No, but he said he would had liked to meet me IRL (and get to know me more). He actually asked for a face reveal, which I agreed.
—
Q: When you say it will be ‘official’ with yourself and Chris, does that mean you will move in with him IRL?
A: No. ‘Official’ to his mind means they will be dating. Right now, they’re really close friends.
—
Q: What date has Frost chosen for the IRL meet-up in Vegas?
A: No date has been officially set in stone (still being discussed), but he’ll let me know when it happens.
——–
And so, that’s the Q&A section. Time for thoughts.
Going over the final answer, at first I felt satisfied. Felt “alright, I can understand that.” But as I was writing down the question, something hit me about that answer.
Something, that originally made me upset. He in a sense, was like Cola. Both of them had an impenetrable shell around them, blocking all attempts of showing their true love.
Cola (thankfully) went in another direction, while Jero did not. Claims he’s been a loner all of his life. So have I. But it seems he never got bit by the love bug like I did. And when he did, it was really bad for him.
And the upsetting part is, when he said he ‘was’ struggling. And combining this with what he told me after I said I ‘cheated’ on him (even telling him the reasoning back then with the doubts.. yet he didn’t read it, and that’s not my fault), he pushed himself to date Scooby. What I said, broke him out of that shell.
That right there should be enough to get Jero out of my mind for good. To know he did this. Yet why I’m not really mad is I know he wasn’t blocking my love on
purpose.
But with Jero’s latest answers, it was Scooby that broke him out of that shell (of being a manipulative bastard). Yet Jero doesn’t want me blocking Scooby, as he doesn’t want my friendship with him to end over this. And now I can fully see why. Thankfully Scooby didn’t manipulate me. But I feel slightly bitter towards Scooby now.. ‘taking Jero away from me’. I’ll.. still remain his friend, though. But I haven’t been seeing him as much as I did. Fucking scumbag.

But look, we both messed up (badly). Jero messed up for not seeing this a lot sooner, and I messed up for being truthful (and for other reasons.. such as rushing it). And I guess I should be happy we’re still really good friends. I’m also VERY happy of him staying in Frost’s group wasn’t because of me (even though he told me the reason before, about a week after it happened).
Says he’ll snuggle me like he did before (when he gets back ingame), but that will definitely put a smile on my face. But when my mind reminds me that him and Chris will be officially together, it bothers me so much. I know I should feel happy for them, but.. you can understand, right?
He was right there, within my grasp. Yet his abusive relationship wouldn’t allow him to see there was a better life with me. But, I have the group. Sadly they will never be able to remove the pain, but they’ll keep me from feeling alone (which I’m grateful). Plus, I have my RP son who loves me very much.

.
And so, there we go.. the answers I’ve been waiting for many months, have been given.

EDIT (11/1/19): Made a few changes to the questions (and added a few new ones with its answer). So this obviously means Jero got back to me today.
There’s also something I forgot to state (as I didn’t know how to put it in with my thoughts). Jero actually asked for a face reveal. I assumed we were going to call eachother and wave hi using our phones. Instead he sent me a still image (of someone who definitely looks like a Jero, but I had a hard time processing that he actually sounds like what I saw).
For security reasons I won’t be discussing (in detail) what he looks like (or sharing his picture).
Sent mine to him, and after quite a long pause, he said “im glad to meet u benie”, followed by “i promise u nothing will ever change, everything will be fine”… we’ll see, Jero. We’ll see. I don’t have high hopes.

I’m trying to find the right words to explain what happened. Sadly it’s not going to be something that gets cemented in my head (like my times with Jero (or Wuffer).. for some reason it refuses to let those memories go, and replace it with a really good memory of the group). And I guess because I’ve never had a really good memory that left a lasting impression with the group (sadly).
I tried my best to force this one to replace the time where I met an AFK Jero in that beautiful world, but to no avail. However, I know one very important thing: my love for Cola is even stronger than ever. 😊
Yesterday I couldn’t hang out with Garruk (as Fluffy was talking to him). And
honestly, it seems the very words I said before (where I felt like “one of this times, he’s going to feel he won’t ‘need me’ anymore”), it seems to have happened a lot sooner than I thought (to where I feel I’m literally wasting my time being with him).
Today my friends, would be the day where I looked at myself and said “I need to end this and focus on the group”. Got to see him today, but with a LOT of people. One of them sounded just like Jusper (minus the heated discussions of VR), where I had to keep checking his name just to make sure it wasn’t him. And this person was with Garruk as much as I typically do, nuzzling him and stuff.
This made me feel quite uncomfortable (and made me question why am I even here). I assumed Jero had hardly anyone, and was lonely (which is why I’ve been with him).
He’s, clearly not. Garruk looked at me and asked if I was alright. I had to lie and say I’m doing perfectly alright.
–
Sometime later, he went to another world. I followed him, and the only reason was to briefly hang out with other friends. Then he said bye to them and left for another world. The heck is going on…? Showed he was in a private world (again). Thought he was in the japan apartment world, so I sent an invite. A minute later I get his invite, and it’s the world he showed me before. Why is he here again? The heck?
Got there, he was AFK (using the bathroom). This is when I started thinking how ridiculous this is, that he doesn’t really ‘need’ me as much as I thought. And when he got back from being AFK, he told me he had to let someone go who really had feelings for him. Hmm, feels familiar (like you did with me when you didn’t want to join the group). Keeps telling me how he’s still in a relationship (even though it’s on hold).
‘This was a mistake’; that’s all I could think of when he said this. He does NOT need me. I wasted my time. I need to just focus on the group, and nothing more.
A friend of his joined the world. Bit of an odd fellow, as he started drawing pentagrams with the pens in the world. Garruk saw these as a form of protection. To me, your friend is trying to summon Satan. lol
Said this, and the person left. Woopsie! Didn’t mean to offend. But the person really wasn’t and came back. I tried to smile my way through this as now Garruk is making pentagrams.
—
Suddenly I get an invite. Thought it was Dander or another random friend… 😲 it was COLA!! And I could invite him in! YES!! GET IN HERE!!! You just saved me!! 😄👍
It took awhile, then he joined. Immediately started running towards spawn as if I haven’t seen him in years and hugged him tightly. I literally thanked him for coming, as him showing up has shown me I can safely move on from Garruk.
Some time after that, Garruk met Cola for the first time. I was a bit worried, but I felt by keeping Cola close to me I’ll be safe. Garruk explained how I’ve been keeping him company, and Cola could understand what I was doing. Then he told Cola to get close to me and whipped out his camera, and took three pictures of us;

And this one (to me) speaks out something sweet in the way of “Come, my love. I will show you the world.”

This to me, cemented in my head that it’s finally time to let my feelings for Garruk go. And I bet even he felt it, when he said he was going to do something interesting (forgot what it was, but it seemed he was focused on staying with his BF). And as I said, I would be happy. And I am. 🙂

Garruk left us for another world. Showed Cola around. Halfway while I was giving him a tour, I had a great idea to get him to see the world I met Jero in. And what a great idea it was, as he absolutely loved it. And I should had gotten him here a long time ago. It should had come to me that Cola’s into Japanese culture (with the cape he found and made work on one of his avatars).
We got to the island that I met Jero, and I wanted to hug Cola as the world sun was setting. That’s when he sadly had to give me some really bad news: he had to go to bed! NUUUU!! I want this to be perfec– ehh, nighty night. Love you!! He said “I love you too” and kissed me back.
I love, this new Cola. Absolutely love it. And he loves me. I am more than happy. 💗

I feel like I’m going to cry, but I also feel I’m doing the right thing. I also also feel frustrated at myself for.. being honest with him. If I had never told him I was
“cheating” (aka the group), he would had never dated Scooby (or this ‘Chris’ who he’s currently with). Yet I also feel it would had done no good, as Jero never once asked for info to join the group. His response (if he gave me one) might’ve been similar to Garruk’s. And the obvious reason why he didn’t, is he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Yet he doesn’t understand that not TELLING me anything, makes it WORSE. Has he learned NOTHING with the doubts I’ve had of him?!
Fluffy on the other hand has been trying to get me not give up hope, saying Jero has
been “leaving hidden messages’ to me, that he still loves me, but is still upset for myself saying I “cheated” on him (and himself for not saying anything).
I have felt those hidden messages in his hugs, how he doesn’t want to let go when he starts hugging me and needs to go to bed. I know deep down he still loves me. Hell, he too probably knows he has to tell me that it’s over (or soon will be), and doesn’t know how.
But, there’s still a chance (though a slim one) their relationship could fall flat, and then I can make my move. I will explain this in just a bit.

If you have read what I said earlier about this, there are things I forgot to state that Jero told me. And one important thing is Frost is trying to get everyone to meet up IRL in Las Vegas (including this ‘Chris’). Jero hopes to raise enough money to do so, as his flight from London to the states is going to be quite expensive. But this also paints a somber picture that I’ve lost him.. forever.
There still might be hope, and I’m doing what I can to hold onto every last strand of it. And that hope is what Fluffy found out– their relationship isn’t official.. yet. They are trying to get to know eachother better. So, there’s still some hope. Their relationship could
falter, then Jero will be single again. And hopefully, he’ll join the group, and I will be forever happy. But.. at what price? How will I make him happy? What if he wants a RL relationship (like Wuffer did)?
That, is why I feel I need to talk to him (before it’s too late), but not in DMs. I want him to speak to me ingame. Hopefully I’ll be able to do this sooner than later, as I will tell him everything that’s on my mind.
And I want what I’m going to go through, to be the final time I have a talk of this
nature (with him). No more silly doubts, and no more keeping things from me! This will be it. I want him to be 100% honest with me, even if it hurts me.
It could go two ways;
1. Telling me he feels this ‘Chris’ isn’t going to work out, and actually decides to join the group. But I want him to understand the pain I had to go through with Cola, and how I would prefer him to not be like him. Cola’s a man of mystery.. but Jero’s worse. And at least Cola has told me the reason why he is (on multiple occasions).
2 (more likely). Telling me the truth he can’t join the group, and giving a very solid reason as to why (like Garruk did). And I will accept his decision without question.

This was going to be a good day. Was with Red for a good while until he went to bed. Cola sadly never came on (or said hi, probably regretting staying up so late). But Jero actually came on tonight!
Yet, everything went downhill; feeling like I’ve been lied to, and my hopes/dreams have been shredded. Sometimes the truth is needed, even though it should had been given to you a LONG time ago.
So what the fuck happened? It was on the tail end of a near failure of being with
Jero (thanks to some ass clowns DDoSing the VRChat servers, who I personally wanted to SNAP THEIR FUCKING NECKS for doing that)… though this was never confirmed by the devs when the servers stabilized again.
I was showing Jero how to properly put something in his avatar’s mouth (no Kovo, not my hot dog :P) and invited him to go to Rock’N’Bowl (as they have food there). Also because he’s never been there, and I thought of taking him on memory lane (of the first week since I joined VRChat).
Boy was that a mistake, being stuck in a infinite loading loop for 15-20 minutes until finally getting to an open instance. I didn’t care if it was Public, it was stable. Invited Jero and Fluffy and we hung there for an hour (while the DDoS Zombie Apocalypse happened outside). A few ‘survivors’ (friends of me and friends of my friends) joined us as we
bowled, talked and ate infinite fake food.
Jero started talking of something going on, yet all he said was “wait” when I was worried about him. Then he said he needed to go and replace his batteries. Hmm.. why do you need to go in order to replace your controller’s batteries? That’s kind of odd, yet I never thought of this. All that was on my mind was ‘surviving the apocalypse’.
–
A half an hour later, I received a message from Jero saying he “kind of got the goosebumps”, saying King Kandy (one of my friends who was with us) claiming he’s “up to something”. Then says Kandy “was streaming me deliberately with you because I’m kinda in a owo relationship with Chris in Frost’s group”. He kept talking about how he was concerned Kandy wanted this person to get pissed off thinking Jero was cheating on him with me. So it’s almost like Kandy doesn’t like Frost.
But I didn’t care (at the time) about this ‘Chris’ getting pissed off, as you just pissed ME off by saying you were going to end your relationship, now you’re with someone ELSE.. after I had given you a chance to join the group (to where you’ll never have to deal with heartbreak again)?!
He wouldn’t say much, only that this ‘Chris’ is “the blue fox” we were with when I was in that Spyro world. It was at this time when the servers were becoming more stable, but I felt too sick to remain in that world and went back to my homeworld. Fluffy joined me shortly after.
All of that time when I was waiting for Jero to be alone in that world, his other BF was WITH US?! I’m pretty sure I never heard “I love you” come from Jero to either of
them, but maybe it happened in private DMs that I will never see. I thought he was only hanging out with friends!
10 minutes after I joined my homeworld, I got an invite… from Jero. Fluffy, did you talk to him? Did you invite him? ..Did you stage this!? He swears up and down he had nothing to do with it. Alright, fine. Just calm the fuck down and try to get the answers out of
Jero.
He joined and I showed him the large mirror of this cube world. I sighed and tried my best to stay calm, carefully asking him about this ‘Chris’ (if he’s nice and stuff). He said yes he was, then mentioned he was getting an invite from him. Felt ‘you might as well be with your true love then’, but he actually wanted to be with us. I tried to dig
deeper, and..well, apparently, this person Jero mentioned he rarely sees, was “one of Scooby’s friends” he claims. Yet how is that possible, when he has cut all ties with
Scooby (and even calls him “an evil person”)? So, HOW?! Since you don’t like Scooby, then why were you dating one of his friends?!
Felt I would likely never get the answer to this confusing question. Plus I’m almost certain he said this person ‘was “one of Frost’s friends'”. I had no idea he has another BF! I assumed he was single again!! So WTF?!

He then left to go be with this Chris, and then I left for the night (with Fluffy pleading me to stay on because Blue was on)… feeling like someone shot me in the back. But later that morning, I calmed down and actually talked to Jero (not of the group or anything related to it). And he explained everything.
This ‘friend of Scooby’… was Scooby himself.

…WHAT?! You mean to tell me that all of this time of when I asked you “so how’s your BF?”, you were talking about Scooby?! You NEVER mentioned him by name!! You made me assume, there were no other BF’s!
… God DAMMIT, Jero! When I asked you “so how’s your BF?”.. I wasn’t talking about Scooby!! WHY in the fuck did you bring him up?!
*heavy sigh*.. So this ‘Chris’ has been there with him for quite sometime (even when I originally asked him and told me he was with someone else). At least, that part is true.
So, it was pointless to ask if he wanted to be part of the group. And so I’m forced to say to himself “Ben, Jero is GONE!! You’ll NEVER win his heart back! GET OVER IT!! ..Be happy you got Cola, Red and Blue who still love you!” And all I can do is start crying that I’ve lost my chance with Jero, and wishing I never was in Kovo’s world at that day and time when I first met him.
But if it wasn’t for Jero (and the serious doubts I had).. the group would’ve never been
formed, and I would had never met Fluffy. Deep down I feel Jero still loves me (and wishes he could join the group), but… I have to face reality: it’s over, and both of us have to move on. He’s happy, and I should be happy (knowing I have three very sweet and adorable souls who absolutely love me to bits).

*sighs* …Jero my friend, I hope you and this ‘Chris’ will be happy for the remainder of time. I pray he treats you with respect and absolute love, as I did. It was fun, and the memories we had will never die. May your love with Chris, never die.
But, I must move on. For I have cola070, RedFox, and BlueBio who love me very, very much (and I love them too). 😊
My friendship with Jero will remain perfectly intact, though. That is all I’m going to see him as; a good friend. Nothing less, nothing more.

.
To wrap up this post, I talked to Kandy this morning and inquired knowledge if he was indeed trying to raise hell to make Jero look bad.. or if it was simply a case of misunderstanding. And it (thankfully) was the latter; told me he had no malice intent, and was sorry that Jero felt this.
So I asked if he could talk to him, and he said he would. Glad there will be no drama there.