Benie's General Blog

Not really much happened today (compared to the day before). But a reason why I feel I really need to make this post now instead of later, is what Justin did that bothers my mind a lot. I’m hoping he was just drunk or something like that.
But we will soon start with Cola randomly asking that much dreaded, very difficult question (this time, with one of the group who just so happened to be in the right place at the wrong time).
Before I do, I’ve been trying once again to test this chair thing. It is true what Blue said and I want to put the blame sorely on Wolves (for not allowing ‘leaf bones’), of why I had to do the dynamic bones like that. And apparently adding a chair (or anything to the head of that avatar) will cause it to be attached to the ears instead.. all because of the dynamic bones.
Also I believe I know how to fix the ‘carry’ chair. Both Blue and Cola are sitting off to the right, so I need to move the chair left (to where the sitting part is right in the middle of my avatar’s chest). I also need to raise the height of the ‘on back’ chair. But the ‘snuggle’ chair is a bit of a mystery as to what’s going on with it. I set it far back in Unity, yet the other person is still inside me. So.. that’s weird.
=================================
Inter-group drama (Cola does it again)
Again I was hanging out in ingame chat with Kovo and the others. Not really much what was going on, and you could almost hear crickets chirping. Then Kovo broke the ice by saying he was “going to kill that zombie bitch” again. Oooh, I wanna see the pixelated goodness of your shitty internet connection!
Waited for Cola or anyone to get on. Someone new joins the voice chat that surprised the hell out of me.. “BBBBBLLLLLLUUUUEEEE!!!” I yell out, happy to see him. Turns out he too has the game (since its release on PC), and goes to help Kovo with his very rusty
skills (and an even worse internet connection than Kovo). May’ve not been pixelated, but my GOD.. 1-5 FPS?!

Was still funny hearing Kovo freaking the fuck out whenever this zombie dragon was going to “suck his cock”.
“Oh no, she’s shaking that ass at me! NO!! I do NOT want that booty!!” 🤣🤣😂 Ahh Kovo. Of what I saw from his very pixelated stream, I told him “I’d so bone that dragon.” And Kovo’s all “you don’t know what it’s like! I have to put my cum on her because she’s ugly!!”
I still want him to buy me the game, even though I know it’s worse than Warframe (grind-wise). Never would’ve thought there’s a far worse grindy game than Warframe! Damn.
Watching Blue halfway with killing that boss again (for the 3rd time today), I saw Cola online but didn’t say anything (as that would be rude). But when I saw the boss drop and they got their loot, is when I was getting everything on me and told them. Blue acted like he was going to join me, but didn’t (and I got ingame).
–
Was still talking to them when I got up to Cola, and I heard him whispering. Very odd, so I muted/deafened myself to hear what he was saying. Something about he was fixing something, and his parents just came home. Told him about my day, and that was about it. Except learning that he absolutely loves paintball (and the sound of hearing people in pain from it)..

😅

About here is when Blue joined the instance as Cola was telling me he was getting ready to go to bed. But with Blue here, it seemed he decided to stay up an hour or two longer. Nothing really special happened, only showing that I love them both. Oh, and apparently Cola doesn’t like being licked by Blue (saying his tongue is wet). So Blue had fun with
this, trying to lick him while chasing.
In the dark area, Blue’s somewhat giving Cola ideas for what he could do for Christmas. And I gave my own, saying Blue can be in a box (addressed to me), pop out of the box and have a bow attached to his ass, with ‘Merry Christmas’ attached to it.
And then, that’s where Cola asked that question again: “who would you pick?”, right infront of Blue. And I had enough of this. He kept saying “surely one of us is better than the other”.

I love ALL of you the same way! There is no one else I love more! Please, drop it! Yet he wouldn’t, saying Blue’s “the holy grail”. Blue says “I’m one of those throwaway cups you buy from the store!” …Mmm, Blue, don’t do that. So I said “all of you are holy grails, even Red. All three of you have no imperfections. You’re all perfect in my eyes. You all love
me, and I’m happy with that.” Then Blue said “how about this: I love both of you”.

My brain right then and there;


The second image, I can see myself as the kid telling the two this. I don’t want to see nor hear any inter-group relationships going on. That’s not what I created this group for. But I never said that to them.
Cola said how Blue “is a copy of him” (how Blue has a cape and a hoodie too). In a way you’re right there. And after that, the topic thankfully died down.
…I don’t know why Cola keeps selling himself short like this (why he feels Blue is so much better than him), or why it’s like he continuously wonders what I see in him that is so attractive.
Cola, you just are. So just..

=================================
Justin’s being weird
That above picture is just.. perfect. lmao.
Anyway, it started to get packed in the world, and Cola pulled me into his home world, to tell me (personally) he’s going to bed. Kissed him goodnight and told him I love him (like I always do), and went back to Blue.
Decided to have a little fun, getting the sniper loli avatar out and taking shots at them. One of them seemed to not enjoy the jokes and took it a bit too serious (with one of them actually was acting they got shot.. god damn, phantom touch can be a real bitch for some). Did apologize, but the one that didn’t enjoy the jokes was all “you point any firearm at
me, I will go berserker mode.” Okay dude, chill. I was only having fun. But I left anyway as I felt I didn’t really need to be there. Yes Blue was there, but Foxgrace was also there (and of course he was playing the victim card saying someone tried to report him).
–
Decided to work on the previous blog post. As I do, Justin decides to say hi to me. Well hello there Justin. He asks me if I’m OK. Um.. why wouldn’t I be? Then he asks me about Fluffy.

Ugh. Really? You talked to him, didn’t you? So I was forced to explain how Fluffy’s annoying, so we stopped talking to eachother for two weeks. But instead of him being annoyed at me, he was hugging me. Um, okay. I expected to be told what a bad RP father I am, but instead he’s petting and hugging me.
Then he starts asking very, very odd questions. First, if I was “a gay or bi dragon”. Told him bi, and he pets my head. Then he tells me he’s got fetishes. Hey dude, I’m not going to judge you. It would be wrong.
“If you were pounding me and I shit on your cock?”
….Dude, you’re still asking questions, right? You’re not actually thinking of.. doing it with me, are you? And he said he’s still asking questions. Yeah, very disturbing questions. But I went with it, saying “well that’s what RP showers are for”.
Then he asked “Can I french kiss you”? And I said “Don’t you think that’s a bit too early for that?” See I was trying to be nice, and not be all “WTF.. get away from me, you freak!!”
–
Had to tell Fluffy what just happened as my mind was way too disturbed to think straight. Then I went to bed. Woke up an hour past 12 (over-sleeping is fun) and got back to work on this post. Justin wanted to talk again, this time wanting to friend me and talk ingame. I was talking to Dorrvivx at the time (having gotten a Vive and asking me to keep it secret from the others, which I did so very well). Did get on, and… my lord was it cringe after cringe.
Started off with him asking me if we could hang out in VRChat. Um.. I’m here, aren’t I? You asked me to come. Though if you don’t need me, I’m going to take my headset off and get back to work on this blog post. I swear the guy lives in an RP world, and clearly doesn’t act their age (claims he’s 19, but when asking me “so what do you do in the dragon world?” … you clearly aren’t)

I came so close to doing so, nervously laughing from time to time. Fluffy was there with
me, AFK. And when Fluffy came back, I can hear him sniffling as before while Justin kept on trying to get him to talk.
Justin then came back over to me, saying how “we look so cute together. We’re both
red, we both breath fire!”

Told Fluffy, and he said to “ditch him iv had it with him..”. Said I would follow his
lead, and he went offline moments after I said that. “Why’d he leave??” Justin confused not knowing what he did wrong. Yet I felt “Fluffy.. isn’t that a bit rough on him, just leaving him like that? Could had just talked to him.” But I did the same thing. Fluffy later agreed, but said the reasoning is “it’s rlly hard for him to hate me I tried everything and nomatter what he will just forget”. Apparently Justin still has strong feelings for Fluffy.
Justin clearly has a screw loose in his head, but what’s sad (and I’m saying this in a nice way here), is he doesn’t understand what he’s doing wrong (nor thinks he has a
problem).
He’s too far gone then. And it’s still disturbing that he was.. actually hitting on me. Not once, but twice. Clearly he was horny or something. But he’s also been blocked (again).

.
And so, that’s what’s been going on. As I said, Justin was the highlight of this (so much that I actually extended this post through today, just to explain what was going on).

What a crazy Saturday yesterday was, full of highs and lows (and unfortunately ending at a low). Mainly stayed in voice chat, as I didn’t have much to do (after finally completing Human: Fall Flat).
Oh, I was also working on the chair idea yesterday, desperately trying to work out the bugs. More on this later. First off, to talk about Cola being in full-body (and the really bizarre things he did that made me question his sanity).
=====================================
Cola’s bizarre evening (being in full-body)
As I said, I spent most of the afternoon in Kovo’s Discord. Was waiting for Cola or any of the others to come on VRChat, while listening to Kovo.. not wanting to fuck a zombie dragon with his dick in Monster Hunter: World (and ‘getting it sucked’).

…You do you, Kovo! 😂👍
Eventually I saw Cola on.. but in a very troubling place. WTF is he doing in one of Ashi’s worlds?! Kovo was quite disturbed too, and got the attention of DG who shockingly never knew about Ashi. But when Kovo filled him in, DG put Ashi on his server’s watchlist– a very ‘special’ server where they hunt down assholes that crash people. Fighting the good fight!! ✊ Though I’m pretty sure Ashi’s immune to that shit by now.
But enough of Ashi, Cola went to another world and so I told Kovo I was going to get off to be with him.
–
Found Cola (who also found me) in The Dodecahedron as Bill from Left 4 Dead. We started talking in the middle of the world of random things, him saying the reason why he popped into Ashi’s world. Said he was very bored and looking for someone to join off of, so he randomly picked worlds. He also told me of the fun he had playing Murder 2 (for two hours). That’s awesome to hear you had fun, hun. 🙂
Then he asked what I did, and told him of the screaming at my monitor with how ‘lolololo funny’ the walking physics are in Human: Fall Flat (of having to use a very slippery log as a bridge over a bottomless pit).
As we talked, I was being harassed by other friends wanting to talk to me. One in particular, Cola doesn’t really like (someone that myself and Blue met; sergalgamer). Cola tells me the person is “creepy, like lewd creepy”. See, Cola cannot.. well, ‘do it’ with me anymore, as apparently anything related to porn, bugs his mind and makes him unable to sleep.

That is fine though. I still love you nonetheless. 🤗🧡

One person Cola met the day before, was chasing him as a spider. This ended up turning into a war of using the combat avatars I got, to where Cola left for a private world and invited me in.
He was a bit exhausted and needed time to relax, then asked me “so what do we do now?” Mmm.. if it wasn’t for your sleepless nights, I know what I would wanna do. 🍆😏 But I said how I want to stare into his beautiful green eyes. He however, wanted to go to Avatar Testing and hang out. Alright, let’s do it.

In Avatar Testing, we hung out. But five minutes after we joined, he’s telling me someone’s inviting him and how it’s odd, but goes to see what’s going on. I wait for him to come
back, then the person I met joins the world as if to get rid of me and claim Cola as his.
Well pal, you’ve come to the wrong dragon. Went back to my combat avatars and raged war on this person. As I continued my bloody battle (with myself winning, thinking he can stay hidden when I can clearly see his floating nameplate), Cola rejoined the world and I told him the person he met is here, and he too wanted to battle the person.
Well sir, you lost this war, for I will de– then Cola left to go to another world, saying something about he knows how to end this (or something of the sort).
Discovered the person was already gone. AYY!! I win! Now, where in the hell did Cola
go??
And this is where things going bizarre. Followed him to a Friends+ world with a bunch of randoms talking at a bar, and I’m hearing gunfire from the same avatar I’m
using (knowing it’s Cola battling). Thinking he’s trying to battle the person that joined
me, I try to track the person down (but never found him). Did finally find Cola
upstairs.. shooting SpingTap. Uhh, hun? What’s going on…? He wouldn’t say
anything, just kept shooting at the guy (and chasing after him through the world).
Hun.. you’re going to get yourself kicked out of the world! Please stop! But he wouldn’t listen to me.
Began to think that maybe it’s OK of what’s going on, so I played along. Cola’s occasionally shooting himself in the face, and I’m trying to revive him. Wtf is going on with this man right now. It’s like Cola’s having a sugar rush of somesort, or he’s trying to wear himself out so he can sleep.
Eventually he gets to a point where he switches to one of his Jagar avatars and starts aimlessly running around, and then hiding in the bathroom. I stay with him and then SpingTap comes up to us and asks Cola if he’s interested in a ‘thing’, yet he won’t tell me what this thing is. Then he says ‘a picture thing’. Ask “wait, a commission?” He says “yes”.
Cola has no idea what to do as he’s offered a Discord link, but Sping eventually walks away and Cola leaves the world. Uhhh… okay. Get invited to join him and do so.
He tells me how he’s “melting” and stuff and has to go. Well hun, you kind of did that to yourself, silly. I didn’t even have enough time to kiss him goodnight when he logs out for the night.
…Weird. Very weird (and bizarre). But it’s also not, as I remember saying Cola tends to act the role of the avatar. Plus he has two minds (as he claims), and they weren’t working together that evening. So, this explains his behavior.
=====================================
Drunk Kandy
With Cola now in bed, I went back to voice chat to wait for Blue (as I needed someone to test the chair thing I’ve been desperately trying to bugfix). Learned how to do them from DJ.. apparently deleting all the children inside the VRCChair, fucks it up (by having the person facing the wrong way). So I did new chairs while I waited for Blue, this time not doing what I did before (only hiding them).
When I was done setting them all in place, I saw this very weird thing.

What the fuck?! Are those.. dynamic bones?! And one of them looks like it’s connected to the ear bones. But I hoped everything would be OK and saved it as-is.

As I continued to wait for Blue, KingKandy joined the chat. But something was very odd with him. He acted like he didn’t know where he was, which made all of us worried about him. Said he was alright, but.. clearly he wasn’t. I asked him not to be scared to tell us what’s going on. Said something happened, but his parents wouldn’t let him. …Hmm.
Troubles with parents, but that’s a typical thing with Kandy. Then I asked him “did you drink?”, he says “noooo!! Well, a little.” and starts laughing. Ok, you did.
Kandy leaves to go play VRChat, while we talk about what the hell just happened. I go to talk to Blue who says he’s getting on, and get on myself (in VR). Someone’s in the chat streaming PAYDAY 2 (doing some solo stealth mission on the hardest difficulty to get an achievement), and I watched it through my VR headset while I waited ingame for Blue to come on).
Kovo tells me to check up on Kandy, and I said I would if I run into him. Little did I know he would run into me (and be in the same world Blue’s in). As I prepare to join Blue, I’m getting an invite. After loading in, I check the invite.. it’s from Kandy. Ok, that’s odd. Kandy’s NEVER invited me to any world before (and tell the group chat this).
Lots of friends are here, while I look primarily for Blue.
Kandy meets me before Blue does, with people confirming he’s drunk. He’s getting all lovey with me, but I’m trying to keep my distance (knowing he’s got Vale as his unofficial BF). Tells me “my dog died, but I’m fine. I feel fine.”
Finally meet with Blue while Kovo comes on to deal with Kandy personally, and have him test the chairs. Bah!! The ‘carry’ chair is off-center! ..HOW?! It’s perfectly aligned in Unity!! Blue tells me it’s because of different avatar heights and how difficult (if not impossible) it would be to fix that. So I have him test out the ‘on head’ one, and he talks of ‘dynamic bones’ and of how it moves with the ears.. is the head chair causing the exterior dynamic bone bug? I need to look into that.
Back to Kandy, Kovo’s telling us that Kandy actually thought the world we were in, was his house. So he’s clearly out of it. Feel I need to pull Blue away as I wanted to inform him what’s going on here, then tell him. He tells me Kandy was drinking.. something of a name I had forgotten, but has a lot of alcohol (and says he drank a full bottle). Tell them and Kovo says something that he was going to drink another. So he’s literally trying to kill himself from alcohol poisoning… but why?
Felt like we needed to get back to Kovo, who’s telling us he’ll likely have to stay with him all night. Blue then talks to me of the upcoming VR system he’ll be getting
‘soon’ (hopefully in 1-2 weeks from now). Says it’ll have three base stations (with
tripods) and it’s coming from Florida. What a sweet deal for $200. I would had taken advantage of it.. if my parents allowed me to put holes in the walls. 😒 Can’t believe I’m stuck with WMR for the rest of my life. 😑 HTC or Oculus.. compete against
WMR (instead of between yourselves) to give me a better experience than the
HTC Cosmos (sucks) and the Rift S (sucks)!!

Anyway, they’re heading to Kovo’s world now (while I’m talking to a friend who claims there’s someone who mentioned me by name but doesn’t remember theirs). All he remembers is someone named ‘midnight’.. but it couldn’t be Naito as I’m not friends with him. I told them if he runs into this person again, to let me know and quickly ran for the awaiting (but closing) portal.
In Kovo’s world, Kandy says the same thing to Kovo about a dead dog. So, his dog
died, and he (accidentally) tried to kill himself with drinking. So Kovo had to make sure Kandy wasn’t going to hurt himself, and eventually Kandy went to bed to sober up.
=====================================
Enemy of mine (The name of ‘Trico’ is brought up again, so your enemy is mine)
Typical Saturday night in VRChat, nothing really happening. Hanging out with Blue and Wufy, then DJ pulls me away. I see I’m being pulled towards Kovo, so this isn’t good of what I’m about to be subjected to.
Kovo asks me if I know of Trico. …Hell yeah, do I. I’ve dealt with him when I dated Wuffer.
So one of DJ’s admins had to deal with Trico, with reports he “ruins people’s lives”. Yep that sounds like him, and something about “he did was right” by fucking their life up and is well known to leak private DMs.

So I’m being told to watch out for him as he might try to join our Discord and cause hell.
Done. But if he joins… let me handle him, because he will very much regret doing so.
=====================================
Fluffy goes to Blue
Final section of this post. This happened before the top thing of DJ telling Blue (and
me) there’s a new ‘do the naughty’ world, called ‘fatworld’. Much later (a few minutes after we wrapped up our above conversation), someone else dropped a portal to that world.. and people started going in it. My curiosity was fucking killing me! I HAVE TO SEE THIS!! And… it was weird. It looked very.. just plain weird. It also looked unfinished.
(Thought I was going to say “weird” again, didn’t you?)
So it has these two platforms. A big one, and a small one (that you can slide). And the big one, when you click on it, is.. it’s just beautiful. You do sexual poses and stuff while you walk over to the smaller platform. And.. well.. I’m not going to go any further with this. But the level also has other.. very strange activities (that aren’t sexual). One is picking up these orbs that you can shoot into a larger orb (all you do). And the other is grappling hooks that latch onto blue surfaces.
So when you get done suckin’, you can go swingin’. ..Yes, that was bad. I don’t even know where I was going with that. 🤦‍♂️ I feel like I’m talking like Cola right now. Heh.
—
Well that was fun, let’s get back to Kovo’s world now! Opened a portal to a standard Friends only world (since I didn’t want to expose to them all I have mods). Then I saw Fluffy join and Blue going over to him. My ticket to get back on my own then.
Back in Kovo’s world, I was hoping Blue would come back to me on his own when Fluffy is done talking to him (as he’s been wanting to talk to me, despite what I said about waiting two weeks).
It’s been nearly two hours and I’m starting to get concerned. *sigh* ..I have to go back and figure out if.. Fluffy didn’t actually do something to Blue. I feel like an idiot for leaving him there!! So I went back, expecting Fluffy and Blue to still be talking. I find Fluffy AFK.. with Blue as Jack Septiceye riding Adam.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?! Just regular shenanigans, it seems. But I want Blue to come back. You had your fun, hun. Come back home. 😛 Felt like the wife that doesn’t trust their husband being out for too long, thinking he’s cheating on you. And you would think that would be the end of this story. …… Sadly it didn’t end there, as when I was about to go back, Fluffy messages me again, wanting to speak to me. After reading what he said..

…I felt like total shit. I tried ignoring it and going over to the mirror, but all I can feel is shame of hurting someone over my frustration of him constantly in my face, making weird sounds, and telling me how much he loves me. And at one point, it feels too much to stay on, and leave without saying anything.
I should not feel, enjoyment of not having Fluffy in my life. But the enjoyment I had as father-son, is pretty much dead (and I don’t know why). Fluffy didn’t really do anything wrong to cause all of this (except for, hell, both of us not being on the same page).
Yet I think the reason why, is how he over-tries to be friends (and keep them). When it comes to friendships (with me), I don’t really care if you don’t be my friend (or do). But I want to get to know you before doing so.
Fluffy, his life is so much different than mine; school, pressure to do good in it, being underaged by one year. Not able to make IRL friends… yeah it’s rough with him. and I do feel for him. But the biggest problem, is he never grew up right (as his father died a year ago).
I’m still very much unqualified to be his RP father. I’m too hot-headed to be a loving father– you guys know how hot-headed I can be in here. And I just can’t DO it anymore. Everytime I see him, he feels like…a burden, not a blessing. And this has happened since I had to let him in the group.
–
But I bet if I was to ask Sunset, he’d probably be all “Fluffy’s trying to make you feel bad. Don’t let him!” I know he’d say this, but he would be wrong for doing so.

Been a day since Cola confirmed what I started thinking that he might want to be more than just part of the group. And since it’s no longer a rumor in my mind, I felt it was time to tell Blue and Red. And their responses are.. a lot more supportive (to the point they say “Benie, don’t worry about us. Be with Cola. Don’t let this opportunity for true love that you’ve wanted since the start of the year, slip from your fingers.”
Yet deep down inside I feel…

It would go against everything the group stands for!!

..EXACTLY, random Tenor GIF image I saw when I was searching for “it feels wrong”!!
I feel like I need to go somewhere, and meditate for a good long time on this.
–
Last night I got online to tell Blue (after playing Human: Fall Flat with Kovo and some other friends). But he was with Thresio.. mmm, bad timing then. Maybe tomorrow when I can get him alone. However my ‘window’ popped up at a inopportune time. Let’s just say something happened with me and Thresio that wasn’t pretty, and took me until now to get over that I see that it was my fault.
But anyway, I had to talk to Blue in DMs instead about what Cola said. Started with explaining what happened after my conversation with Cola (with Muum), and how I then started to feel that he might want to be more than just a member of the group. Gave him time for a Q&A session, where he felt “is it like he loves you yet doesnt want there to be a group?”

No no no, nothing like that! He’s fine with the group. Explained it to him, and now he gets it. Continued on, grabbing a few snips from the post I made a day ago (when he asked the difficult question of who would I pick if I was to make that difficult decision).
He said “that…woo i wouldnt know how to respond to that…”. No kidding! Went on with grabbing more snips of that post, all the way to where I said “That’s when I felt confident enough to give my honest answer. If I had to make this very tough decision..”, then looked at Blue and asked “…Would you like to know the answer?”
He said “you can tell me. trust me it wont change my view on you or anything”.
Alright. and told him. When I was done, I explained how Cola confirmed my
suspicions, but hoping I was completely wrong as I still love him and Red.

Blue said “i still love you too but…i will admit i have had my doubts about bein in a group as i felt…well i would be fighting the others for your love ya know and heh i guess i am battling cola for it hehe. also ill admit i did kinda start to feel something for cola in the past… part of me is reluctant as hell to say any of this at all ill admit”
Hold up. ‘also ill admit i did kinda start to feel something for cola in the past…‘
So.. you did have strong feelings for Cola. I wasn’t imagining it. I wasn’t stupid to assume it. And he did confirm he had romantic feelings for Cola, but his feelings for me are much stronger and he wants to be with me. That’s good, because you just saved yourself from being lower than Red.
Don’t leave important things from me (such as a once inter-group relationship)
—
Today I told Red the same thing (and in the same way) I told Blue. He saw it
differently, saying “Well, if someone offers relationships – it’s not a bad idea to take a chance”. And when I said  “I could never do that to you or Blue, it feels so wrong” as a response, he said “Hmm… You shouldn’t think this way. I won’t get offended.”
So, you’re OK with this…? That cannot be a good thing. But I can only picture what he originally told me (when I first had feelings for him). He said how his life is a mess, and he would never want to pass his burden to anyone he has a crush on. So it’s not to say he doesn’t care, he just wants me to be happy.

And so, that’s about it. How I hate it when my own words bite me in the tail, being so nice to Cola and mistakenly giving him the wrong idea that I would like him to be more than part of the group.
Need to meditate on this. And honestly, if it wasn’t for that world with those suggestive chairs.. being so outdated, I bet I would had picked Blue or Red.

Yet another ‘love drama’ post related to the group, and this one has been bothering my brain for quite some time. It’s not often when I get asked about the group, especially from one of the members from it.
Remember when I said how I feel Cola may want to be more than just part of the group (IE my BF)? ..I think this crazy assumption might not be so far fetched.
Was talking to my son about random things (how it’s OK to not give a fuck about No Nut November) while also casually looking at VRChat.com. Saw Cola online and.. well, usually that’s my cue to get the fuck on and be with him!
He was face down in Desktop mode, probably working on another skin. Sat down beside him and heard him purring. Thought this was going to be a normal evening with one of the ones I love. That was until he said “by the way, I got a question”. Probably a simple fun question, so I went with it. He said it was a “very confusing question” that he didn’t know how to answer.
Hmm, one of these questions, huh? Sure, hun. Let’s hear it. 🙂 Said not to be offended by it. Alright, I guess. “Say you had to make a decision of us, of which one you would pick. Which would it be?” Uhhhhhhhhh… Cola? Why are you asking such a personal question about the group? Said he’s “just curious”. Mmm. Why, would I ever have to make a decision like this!? I love you all equally!! He said that nothing would happen. “I asked myself this question, and I couldn’t really answer it. But I will, when you do.”
Felt slightly nervous, but also trying desperately to give an answer that I feel won’t kick myself in the tail. So I tried to express it in another way, even explaining the story of Jero to him (to help back up what I want to properly say to him). When I finally got to the part where I said “so I was with Red at the time while I was dating Jero, and I told him that I ‘cheated’ on him. But I explained it was because of the serious doubts I had if he truly did love me.”

Then I explained the group’s formation, all the way to reminding him how I was worried of adding him to the group (how he would react to Blue and Red). And that’s when he joined the group. Said that Blue used to be the top (with Red at 2nd place) due to Cola’s impenetrable shell that kept him from expressing true love…. and how he was in danger of being removed from the group (infact he actually was for awhile). But after the talks we had, he rose up and passed Red, where Blue and Cola are battling neck and neck to be
#1.
He then asked me why I felt Blue was so high up. My my, you really want to be more than just part of the group, don’t you? But I told him anyway about how all the nice things Blue’s done for me; been there for me when I was so upset, his hilarious lewd-filled jokes about ass and other things, how he loves to pick on Kovo as much as I do. And.. the fact he lives closer to me than Cola or Red (even in my same timezone).
Cola added onto this, saying how Blue (when he eventually gets VR) will be so much cuter than himself. Ehh, Cola you’re doubting your skills, silly! You’re far more adorable. Even Blue agrees! Then he asked me to talk about what I see in himself.
Gladly! You have a great sense of humor, you don’t criticize me, you make beautiful skins for your Best Boi avatars, you get along with my friends (minus Muum but that’s another thing).. and there’s just so much more I love about you. 😊
–
That’s when I felt confident enough to give my honest answer. If I had to make this very tough decision.. I would pick you, Cola. Then he told me the answer to his.. telling me he actually has feelings for Blue.. not romantic feelings, mind you. It’s still “just a friend thing”. And saying how I “have skyrocketed” past Blue (listing the reasons such as how I’m always willing to listen, that I’m always there to be with him, and that I’m funny).
Awww.. that’s sweet of you to say that. And to top it all off.. he said I’m the reason he broke out of his shell!! 😲….😆👍


Months of persistence FINALLY paid off!! I KNEW I could do it!!

Cola… you have no. fucking. clue how happy I am to hear this. No more will I have to question if you love me, I KNOW you do! Thank you for taking a different route than Jero!
He later had to go to bed. Kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him and he said the same.
But my mind was still a bit bothered by that question, though. To think I would ever have to make that decision, would be scary. But maybe I should just stop worrying about it and only focus on the fact he loves me very much.

EDIT: It seems I was right, he does want to be more than part of the group! He does want to be my boyfriend! But, I was also ‘wrong’ at the same time. Now remember when he said I broke him out of that shell? There’s something I have yet to.. well, explain to him; something lacking of the relationship with him and Luna.. not knowing how relationships work. So, I explained it to him the best I possibly can (with him still confused of certain parts). But I feel he knows a lot more than he ever has. I also explained the difference of an online relationship and a RL relationship, and how I only want an online relationship. At least he understood this part. Then he said “yes, it’s true”.
Well thanks Cola. This news is both good and bad. How I wish this thought would had been shot down instead of actually be true.

Wow, just wow. What matter of shit have I walked into?! I was so, so close from losing No Nut November (because of Raymond), then it turns into a philosophical chat with someone named ‘Cyrodine’.
It all started from being in Kovo’s world (from playing Beat Saber in VRChat most of the evening as I didn’t have much to do). Blue was there with me (and a few others) but went to bed. Never saw Cola on, as he was probably tired from his trip to Germany to be with a friend while they played with paintball guns. And Red.. well, you know what’s going on with him. I still love him (despite the language barrier of his Russian friends) by the way!
–
Joined Kovo to give me something to do. Fluffy joined sometime after. Raymond joined after that.
Asked Raymond “so, did you fail No Nut November yet?” Said he lost two hours since it started. But just before I was about ready to call him “weak”, he said that he “didn’t give a fuck as it’s a stupid meme”. This made me ponder for a very long time. While I
pondered, he said how it used to be called ‘No Shave November’ (meaning you couldn’t shave your beard for a month), which is hell of a lot easier than… well, doing what is natural. And he just sees this is being the only thing that exists in his mind.
But how? It’s a thing, a challenge! A fun-sounding one at that! Yet I kept pondering if it was even worth doing.
Everyone was going to bed at this time (and I was saying goodnight to Fluffy). After he
left, Raymond changed into something with large boobs and a large ass. Okay Raymond, I see you’re tempting me. It’s not going to work! He showed me the lewd side where the avatar can move its tail to show its ass… 😲

…MUST. RESIST!! I MUST..BE STRONG!! But I could only feel my will to not to have virtual sex with this very hot looking avatar, struggling to stay alive.
He then went AFK to take a crap. As I waited for him to come back, someone by the name of ‘GrayTheWolf’ popped up wanting to hang with Raymond. Instead he briefly hanged with myself while waiting to join someone. Found them, but before he did, he added me as a friend saying how he keeps running into me. Said “sure” and he went on his merry way.
I too needed to take a crap and went AFK. Took too long and my headset went into hibernation. But as I was on the toilet, Raymond asked if I was still on. Said I would be soon. Finished up and immediately joined the world Raymond was in.

Felt like I was in a sardine can when I arrived; a small rectangular room (called ‘Just Rain’) that feels I’ve stumbled into a FurCon in VRChat. Okay, I’m starting to feel quite uncomfortable here. Wasn’t alone as Raymond (who’s now in VR) also felt it, but told me he was only here for Gray. But as time went on, he was really feeling we should go somewhere else. Yes, Raymond. Please do. I feel like I’m being touched all over the place by stereotypical gay furries.
Raymond looked at me and asked “do you know what a ‘meme’ is?” What an odd question. The reason why he asked me is he said this particular group of furries gather here at this night, to be snuggled and to touch eachother and themselves…

Ok, I may be bi, but this is too much. Can we get OUT of here please?!
We did, both of us joining off of Gray. I saw the world I was about to join (the Japan apartment at night)… are you SERIOUS?! I don’t wanna have a threesome (or watch you two bang eachother)!

Instead, it was much, much different. There was this ‘Cyrodine’ person there with
Gray, with another friend of mine there (but was already asleep in VR). Gray was talking to this Cyrodine (a guy), calling him his legit girlfriend. Everyone went quiet for a few seconds, and then Cyrodine (I’ll call ‘them’ Cyro for short) spoke, who did their best to sound female (which IMO was damn good). But hey, you wanna be a girl? More power to you! I have nothing against it!
Raymond then (after asking for permission and got the green light) started asking them a series of questions about “why do you feel you want to be female?” Meanwhile, I’m in the kitchen of the world, trying to get my mind off of what I was hearing. Because the conversation soon started going philosophical (Raymond asking Cyro “what makes
you.. alive?”). Uhh.. are we fucking playing The Talos Principle now?? The hell is this head-hurting shit I’m hearing?! Tried my best to keep it to myself. A few times it quietly got picked up by Raymond who asked me if I’m alright, and I lied saying I was fine (while trying to make some sort of alchemist potion on the stove to make me forget what I was hearing).
This kept going for another hour as I continued to mix various ‘ingredients’ I found in the world: a few doughnuts, some soap, and some baby formula I found in the fridge (while praying Gray and Cyro would leave so I could actually have some fun with Raymond). That never happened as I feel I finally finished my ‘potion’. Went into the bathroom and drunk it down.. BLEH!! Too much soap, not enough water! But I knew it wouldn’t kill
me (because I’m immortal, being a derg). And sadly it didn’t work as it continued to get worse. Raymond’s now getting concerned for me (as he eventually saw me step out of the kitchen). Again I lied, but this time I stayed with them, giving my personal opinions on what I was hearing. I got the longest awkward silence I’ve ever heard in my life after finishing.
They kept on questioning the meaning of life and stuff. Okay, time for me to fly. Bye guys! I waited until the right moment when Raymond went AFK, and walked backwards out the front door. Went to the roof and flew across.

..Riiiiight, that was interesting! To think I nearly came close to losing No Nut November, to having my existence questioned by a philosophical-speaking Raymond. Who would’ve thunk he actually cared for that stuff.
I was going to go play some Budget Cuts, but I was quite tired and decided to get to work on this blog post. Also, Daylight Savings Time ended that morning (so I got to stay up an hour later than I’m used to because Daylight Savings Time ended that morning. But it’s not fun when you’re old).
Nearly fell asleep infront of my computer (with how damn tired I was), and wasn’t able to complete it. Felt “fuck this, I’m going to bed NOW“. I’m now wrapping up this post as I speak, fully wide awake.

EDIT: I lost, but I don’t care anymore. This is the way you should see this ‘No Nut November’; being something you don’t care ‘losing’. Plus, losing actually feels more rewarding.
Going to push this stupid meme out of my mind, that it’s ‘No Shave November’ (like Raymond has). There is no ‘weakness’, it’s doing what comes natural.

I knew yesterday was going to be busy for me, and it was so much that. From defending Cola of being called “toxic” by Dander (all because Cola was talking about ‘salted nuts’), to being at my wits end dealing with Fluffy whining about another heartbreak (this time with one of my other friends).
But today I want to talk about another topic; Red Fox. I love him so, but I feel there’s a serious language barrier I have to overcome. He likes to hang with friends who speak a language that is unknown to me (having only learned our native language (American English) when I was in school, and even I don’t know every single word in our
language.. aka the big words).
–
They speak Russian, and I feel to love Red, I have to get to know his friends more (by speaking and understanding their native language). Yet I keep being told “Russian is one of the hardest languages to learn” (even by Russians who are able to speak English).
So, what do I DO?! I got to find SOME way to understand them (so I can enjoy myself with Red)! Too bad there isn’t a device I could attach to my ear, that will auto-translate in real time from any language to English what is said.
Could always find some very crude way to literally strap my iPhone to my ear (after finding some kind of real time translator). But finding one (that isn’t a free trial) is very hard. Who would’ve thought you actually had to PAY for convince to be with your lover’s
friends, huh? I guess you could say “If you truly love him, you’ll do it.” …Meh.

.
*sigh* …All I can do (without it costing me anything), is for Red to fully understand I can’t always be there as much as I want (when he’s with his Russian friends). I really want
to, but I feel so out of place when I can’t speak their language.
Plus, how in the fuck do you switch your brain to speak (let alone understand) a new language!? …Many, many years of practice, I guess. 😕 Much like learning Blender! HA!!
I mean, look how long it took me to learn English (to where it feels completely natural)? Not many can even understand me. A friend of Red (who he met IRL), I have to often talk to him in Discord for him to understand me. He usually says “message, message!” when he doesn’t understand me.
Now one language I would love to learn, is Draconian (the dragon language). You
know, for personal reasons. Be in Kovo’s world and insult him in Draconian, and he’ll be all “Uhhhhhhhhhh… (Kovo.exe has stopped responding and needs to close)” 😂😂

Another Halloween has come and gone, and today has marked a first time in years. The fact it was so cold, and so windy today.. we got NO kids this year. It was pretty.. dead.
As for myself, I received a treat today (outside of getting half of the candy my parents buy for the kids). But this… ‘treat’, still bothers me (to where I’m not even sure I should even talk about it, as my nerves are a bit on edge). Because, I’m responsible for what
happened (even though the other told me to relax).
So, it was past dinnertime and I was contemplating if I should come on or not. Check VRChat.com to see if Cola’s online. No sign of him, but I saw Dander with Fluffy and thought “hmm, I guess I’ll go say hi”.
Replaced the batteries in the controllers (as both were showing red in SteamVR), then hopped in. I assumed I would see Fluffy and Dander watching horror movies, instead I see Fluffy hanging out with a few randoms, making weird noises (with no sign of Dander).
Friend of mine joins who’s also looking for Dander, and find him in the outbound area of the movie world (while talking to a random). The random leaves about 10 minutes
later, with the friend leaving to see other friends. Fluffy goes AFK while Dander comes up to me and says “you’re too late, Cola went to bed”. …Dang nabit!
Yet, he wasn’t in bed when I checked my friends list. Told Dander, who’s all “what the fuck?!” when he saw the proof. I knew Cola would come to see me.
–
He arrived, in VR. Oooooohh!! I’m going to get one hell of a treat tonight!! 😋

…Sadly I never received it (if you get what I mean), because we (Cola and myself) went to another Friends+ instance of the movie world). The reason being, he was actually trying to avoid Dander. Remembering what Dander told me that Cola told him about a doctor’s appointment, I can understand why. But when asking him “why don’t you just do an invite or invite+ instance?”, he said “I don’t do that”. Fair enough.
He talked of his latest designs of his ‘Best Boi 4.5’ (of combining 2.0’s body with 3.5’s ears and tail, much like his Jagar 4.5 thing that I currently have in my dances), and we snuggled.
Time passed, and someone joined the instance. But it wasn’t Blue or any friends I usually hang out with, it was Muumiankka. Oh wow, what an unexpected surprise! Cola, never meeting the creator of the Sunken Boi (or even seeing the Sunken Boi model in his
life), hid behind me for protection.
All of this time, I thought he was just joking. So I played along (but also trying to get him to see that Muum is a harmless ball of fluff who only wants lots and lots of hugs and nuzzles).

Look at that face! SO CUTE!! Not to mention this looks like the cutest boss battle I’ve ever seen in my gaming life.
And at one time it seemed the two were starting to get to know eachother. Muum then switched to an Impim with multiple eyes. I unfortunately had to go AFK to do something. When I came back…. I saw Cola on the floor, collapsed. Oh shit!! WHAT HAPPENED?! 😱
I asked Muum, and he had no idea either. Dander joined sometime after I had gotten
back, and he also had no idea what happened. I stayed with Cola, not knowing what to do.
Five minutes later, he starts to wake up. Ohh thank GOD you’re alright!! You had me worried sick! I was hoping he simply went AFK and his trackers stayed put. I had no idea he passed out!
Back on his feet, he started acting a bit strange around me. Kissing him, he wiped it off his snout. Yet he licked me. Uhh, are you feeling OK, Cola? Maybe you need to lay down.

He hopped off shortly after, telling me he was going to bed and he loved me. But it followed with “I don’t like that guy anymore. he actually made me faint”. I told Muum who was upset of the news. Asked him if he could friend me in Discord and send me what he wants to send Cola as an apology.
Back to Cola, he didn’t want an apology. He was.. pissed. At least his words looked. Asked him “what would make this better?” And he told me something, very disturbing. Said “if I had a .44 magnum I will stuffed it so far down his throat he will be able to taste it gunpowder before I even pulled the trigger” …Cola, you’re scaring me. Stop it. I can understand you’d be pissed over Muum causing your fainting, but don’t you think this is overreacting?! It was likely an accident!!
He told me to send it to him. I was scared. If this is revenge for the way I tried to get you to not be scared of Muum, I’m sorry! Told Muum, who was all (yet never said, only showed with his hands): “just relax, I got this. Send what he said, I won’t be offended.”
I didn’t WANT to, so I told Cola “I’ll consider it”… and he threatened to leave me if I didn’t. He. fucking. threatened. to leave me, saying there would be “consequences” if I didn’t!! That, is what’s been disturbing my mind. I had no choice, and this kept going through my mind as I sent it, praying I didn’t lose Muum as a friend because of Cola.
Muum however, was perfectly chill with all of this. He responded with “creative ;D”
Uhh… is this a JOKE you two are doing?! If it is, I’m not laughing. But I told Cola I sent it and he says “thank you. love you”. I very hesitantly said “I love you too”.
–
Muum tried to make me feel better by being there with me (for a good hour and a half). It did help, and it once again made me wonder if he had feelings for me (or if he’s just being nice). Kind of scared to ask, and feel like I should just let the answer come natural (unlike what I did with Jero).
Still concerned about Cola. I don’t know if that was dark humor, or if he was being absolutely serious of what he said.
I want answers. If he was serious, he overreacted (which is not cool, and he should apologize to Muum). But if he was joking.. then apologize for scaring me shitless. 😒

.
I pray all of this was a joke that went a bit too far (with the whole threatening to leave me thing). Hell, even the faint could had been a joke… even though to me, that wasn’t
funny! 😢 I prayed to God he would get back up!
Once I know the truth, either I’ll be updating this blog post with new info… or be in tears as I write a new one. Hope it’s not the latter.

EDIT (11/1/19): Had to go to bed an hour before I typically do (as the parents were going shopping and needed someone to be with the cat). As I was turning everything off and getting ready to lay down in bed, Cola says “I feel like we need to have a talk about this, cuz that is a bit more to it”. Alright, I accept, but unknown to him I’ll be recording (for
myself, so I won’t forget what was said). Will likely be in Desktop mode for it.
To have thoughts, not many are good. I feel myself pushing him is going to be used against me (as one time I had jokenly said “prove your love to me by hugging him”). Again, I thought he was just joking.
To give a percentage chance of this going in my favor (and we can move on from this), I give it a 60% chance, as I feel I can use the whole “I thought you were joking” to my favor.

EDIT2: Seeing how I’m editing, you can safely assume everything’s OK. Some things to go over;
-I did nothing wrong with this. Infact I only proved to Cola just how much I love him.
-He was upset yes, but it wasn’t of the Sunken Boi model– it was the Impim with the multi-eyes. Freaked him out.
-The reason why he was so upset, is he passed out with no-one there. But he was very appreciative that I cared so much about him when he was like that. And that is all the ‘apology’ I wanted.
There was a time where he was a bit confused why I was giving him so much love, asking “what about the others?” Said I love them just as much as I love him. And the tone of his voice was like, he wanted to be more than just part of the group (aka my BF). But when I doubled down with “Blue, Red Fox. I love them all.” He said “That’s the way it should be”.
*nods* Yep. But it makes you think. To go from… multiple emotional rollercoasters of trying everything I could to get him to express his love, to this (where it sounded like he was ready to go farther than being ‘just a member of the group’). Wow.
I could never do that to Blue or Red, when my love can be spread out evenly (with the same level as I love him). I truly do love them all. They give me the strength to keep going in life. They give me a reason to get on VRChat.