Today was supposed to be a day that I no longer feel I have to do things for Fluffy (that I don’t like), and have everything go back to normal. How I feel a.. very, very bad way of being “joyful” by kicking Fluffy’s avatar out of the group dances (knowing things will “be balanced now”).
I wish this never happened in the first place. I never wanted Fluffy to be part of the group! I was forced into this, just to make him happy. And to not have him part of the group anymore, YES I am happy!
..But that happiness came with a pricetag, that I feel I should pay for not being prepared to act in a fair manner that both parties would agree with (even though Fluffy told me to “keep it”). Talking about Blue here, which he wanted him so much. Now, not as much.
I’ll be frank, folks.. this is honestly one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make in my life (that I was never ready to make).
That decision is being able to let Blue go if he loves Fluffy more than me, knowing the enormous rift it’ll create in the group (something that won’t easily be filled back up). And this decision is just like if Cola, Blue and Red Fox were my ‘kids’, and Fluffy’s trying to date Blue this way. I feel very protective of them, and want to keep them safe. Eventually, there might be a time where I would “warm up” to Fluffy and treat him as one of the family.
That “warm up” hasn’t happened yet, plus this is also a very bad way of looking at it (as it’s against my own words of this group being ‘non-commitment’). Even though I was forced to make it that way because of Cola (in the past), who I still don’t know if he loves me enough to be my boyfriend. Think he just needs to get to know me more.
So I know I don’t “own” Blue (or any of them), and have to face the facts that if they love someone else, to let them leave (so they can be with them) and tried telling this to Fluffy. But he’s acting like I’m not understanding what he’s trying to say.
Finally it hit me that he wants to remain in the group (and still love Blue), so no one has to leave and I won’t be heartbroken. Yeah, that would work.. if I loved Fluffy as I do of them. Which I do not. And I had to remind him just why it wouldn’t work, stating the fact this group was created from my doubts of Jero being in-love with me as much as I loved him.
And finally the message was clear to him… that he actually said “keep Blue” (blaming himself for this).
I feel this is both our faults. Mine for not actually doing what I said I would do if someone was in-love with a member in my group (by not being willing to let them go, and not being adult enough to understand “nothing lasts forever, even love”). Fluffy blames himself for trying to destroy the group (and my happiness) …..he also told me to relax and just act like things are normal.
Don’t think I can. I’m afraid we might need Aftershock to settle this (so I can clear my mind). *sighs* I should just let Fluffy take Blue, and be an adult. But he says that me and him are “perfect”.
In any case, I just don’t know what to do right now. I don’t want to be alone, but I also don’t want Fluffy to be upset (over he can find no one that will love him)! UGH!!
I feel like, I need to have literal group meeting with them, just to hear their reaction if they want to be.. “protected”. Or, just talk to each of them in their own time. Because I need to know if A: They don’t mind being in the group. And B: ..This.
But, I no longer feel like shit (of feeling I was ‘depriving’ Fluffy of being loved). I don’t really wish to talk about it either (as it brought me to tears), and even Aftershock
feels.. this isn’t my fault; that I was in the right to protect. I.. don’t see HOW.
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While Fluffy was trying to pull me ingame (to ‘relax’), I spoke to Blue about this.. telling him everything that happened. And he..he opened my eyes to the truth. This, isn’t my fault– Fluffy manipulated me, making me think it was. And, I was beyond ‘pissed’! I wanted to rip his FUCKING HEAD OFF for what he did to me and Blue!! The last time I was this hardcore manipulated, was.. according to Aftershock, by the Best Boi community claiming that Ashi’s the enemy.
On top of that, I was getting DM’d left and right by random friends (one wanting the Best Boi 2.0 model, another one saying hi, another one sending me a picture).. this is a bad time, I’m not in the mood right now, sorry. I did my best to control myself from blowing up in their faces (since they were never involved in this).
…10 minutes later, I tried to calm myself down; “Ben, he didn’t deliberately manipulate you, it was an accident! Calm down!” I took a deep, deep breath and talked to
Fluffy, asking him “why.. why did you do this?” And he said “I just wanted love”. That only made me furious again, feeling he doesn’t give a FUCK what I’ve been through (and why I created this group).
A bit later, he said “I thought we were a type of family” ..family members do NOT manipulate eachother (even for non-malice reasons)!! Manipulation, causes distrust! HATE! LOOK what happened to Ashi, if you want proof what manipulation can do!!
He greatly apologized for what he did, saying it was never, ever his intention to ruin the group, and swore he would change.. by going back to where it all started– when I first met him in The Box (when I was with Jero). Said this is what he wants, and it will make him happy.
My anger completely went away after that (I can’t stay mad forever at him). That’s all I wanted, for those happy times to come back.. before all of this love drama started with him. Finally got on and we cuddled for the longest time. May we never, ever have another argument like this, ever again.
Said he would look for a new love, and I told him to “please be careful this time. I don’t want to bail you out like I did with Justin”. I blocked him, because of Fluffy. I mean
sure, Justin is annoying, but… I don’t think he ever had malicious intent. Course I’m saying this now, since I no longer feel my reputation will be ruined if he ever found out.
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Think I’m going to unblock and apologize to him. It would be the best thing to do.