Benie's General Blog

Two things to report, and both of them happened this morning. Jero finally responded to my really, really long message. So what did he say? Was it enough for me to finally move on from him (since June)?
The second thing is a side of Kovo I hope to never see again (even though the wording is inevitable). Plus, him talking to me of his own love drama; dealing with Nova.
So let’s get to it.
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Jero’s final response (and the firestorm that happened next)
What a very, very messy 48 hours it’s been. And at the end, it upsets me (and I bet them as well) that it had to end the way it did.
And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from these five long months (when it comes to a breakup); I cannot expect the other to tell me to **** off; I have to be my own voice of reason.. I have to be my own person that tells myself that.
If I ever have those feelings for anyone else (where it becomes obsessive) and it never worked out, its time to block them and get that person out of my life… no matter how much it will hurt (or how many burning questions of WTF happened I have). Don’t expect them to do it for me. As Kovo has said in the past, I got to “be a better person”. That, is how to prevent something like this from ever happening again. It’s gonna hurt, yes.. but it will prevent from what happened to me of these messy 48 hours.
–
So, let us begin of what happened: Friday morning (the same morning Kovo needed relationship advice), Jero unexpectingly responded to the crap-ton of messages I left him a week ago. I was hoping he would tell me to “please let me go”.. instead it turns into “I want you to be happy. I really want the best for you”. He said more than this, but that’s what it was pretty much compromised of. This told me he didn’t mind that I blocked him.
…But, I wouldn’t let it go. I wanted to talk to Chris (which was very unlikely as I knew I was doing it all wrong with these random (ghost) invites), so I asked Jero. And since knowing he couldn’t give me that info, I mistakenly scared him shitless by saying I know Chris’s ingame name and Discord. I was never wanting to scare him. All I wanted to do was talk to Chris and tell him to take care of Jero.
The next morning, I got my wish (Chris spoke to me). And if there was ever a wish that you would regret making, this would be one of them. Because instead of expecting to see “look dude, what you did wasn’t cool. So let’s talk about this like civilized adults”… I saw someone who I felt any second was going to call the police on me, calling me
a “stalker” and a “creepy fucker”.
Dude, I can understand you’re pissed over me telling Jero like that. I would be too. But please understand that I didn’t have a choice because of the red tape Frost laid down to make sure there would be peace; I wanted to talk to you, to end this proper. Yet he never wanted to talk to me about it.. ever. But I tried to focus on what I’m here for, and told him to please understand that Jero’s the reason why me and him broke up. He wouldn’t believe me, calling Jero innocent. Dude.. you weren’t there!! Kept refusing to listen to me.. clearly this conversation is going nowhere (and it’s getting worse by the minute).
Then he tells me he’s going to block me. Told him I was going to block him and Jero anyway. He says “ok good, now leave us the fuck alone”.

All the “why” and “how” I’m like this, cannot express how disappointed I am of myself I allowed my mind to go this far. Plus I felt this means I’m likely banned from seeing Wufy ever again (with Frost). Not to mention the distress I caused Jero can never be forgiven. None of this would had ever happened if I was a better person and learned when to let it go… ON. MY. OWN!!!
Though, it also revealed something when Chris was arguing with me. For him to say Jero’s innocent, means Jero lied to him about me (didn’t tell him of the doubts he caused me).
He also, lied to me about how Frost was the reason why he could allow me to talk to
Chris. He(Chris) never wanted to in the first place. And if I had known that, I would had never wanted to talk to him either.
–
But lying or not, I should had let Jero go… months ago. Never again, will I allow this to happen. I have to be better than this.
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Kovo’s ready for his future + his own love drama with Nova
Been so busy working on blog posts that I barely had enough time to join VRChat and see what’s going on this morning. Yesterday I was playing this very odd game with a friend and friends of his, that felt like a spin-off of ‘Never Have I Ever’– answering embarrassing questions of yourself. We were also answering 18+ questions. Something was also going on with Fluffy, but I hope Aftershock helped with that when I told him.
This morning was completely different (because every day is different in VRChat), joining off of Blue who was in Kovo’s world. Fluffy never joined. So everyone was tired and went to bed, and it was just Kovo, Nova and myself. The two were discussing selected games on Steam that went on sale due to The Game Awards that happened yesterday. Those sales have since ended at the time of writing this.
With it turning into 4am, Kovo’s telling Nova and me he’s going to bed. Nova’s also going to bed. Then Kovo says something that surprises me.. he actually works up the guts to ask if they are a thing now over what Nova said to him. Nova though freezes up, and then leaves.
I try to help him the best I could. He feels he’s going to die at anytime (wondering why he’s still alive for having so many near-death experiences), and feeling Nova needs to let him know if she’s actually interested in getting more serious. But that’s not everything. Kovo also mentioned something about another.. whatever it is with Bella or something. I can’t remember exactly, but him having to make a choice (similar to Cola wanting to make a choice when he was part of the group, except for different reasons. But I digress).
–
The conversation moved on, him talking again about how he feels he could kick the bucket at anytime. Then he says how he would give myself and Vale the world if something happens to him. Erm, I hope that’ll never happen in my lifetime (and I go before you do).
We also talked about this ‘Minehut’ thing for awhile, him telling me I can go to their website and do my own research on it.
Told him I would love to throw Age of Engineering on it and have myself, him and Wufy play it (with others too, like Steve and even Fluffy). I can get up to 10 players on it. Show all of them the hell I went through last year (of making it all the way up to the Draconic age). Never played Minecraft with Kovo, so it’ll be a new experience.
Finally, he said he wouldn’t mind playing anything with me. Personally I wouldn’t mind doing a duo of Raft or ASTRONEER (just us, without Wufy. Just to see how it goes, as I feel Wufy does his own thing instead of being a team player).

EDIT: This afternoon into the evening, I tried to help Kovo yet again with Nova. He nearly fucked himself, but didn’t really care what happened. At the end of the day, Kovo didn’t really get the answer he was looking for. Nova does love him, but wants him to move on. She stated she was ‘scared’ of herself, feeling she’ll make the wrong call.

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And that, is basically it. What a mess I caused for myself (and for others), all because I refused to let the past go… so I was literally forced to do so.
I just wanna move on from this, yet I can hear something in my mind being all “yeah, I BET you wanna move on from it! Guess what? You caused this, you are going to live with it for the rest of your fucking LIFE for what you did!! I hope you’re happy!”

I’m just going to describe the day as it happened, before I get to something that I wish didn’t happen as I thought it would… but Cola forced my hand when he asked Blue that question about choice (forcing his hand).
And honestly, not much happened today. None of the group were on, things were pretty boring. So I solo’d one of the climbing trials (which was a lot more fun than I
thought). Think of Shadow of The Colossus in VRChat, using CyanLaser’s climbing
prefab (and without that slightly annoying grip meter… and Agro). There were puzzles such as finding crystals to stop fire traps, or completely pass them altogether.
I got to the boss at the end, looking at what I’m supposed to do. DJ joins the instance (as I made it Friends only if anyone would like to join me). He wanted to make sure I was doing OK from the conversation we had the day ago. Told him I was doing better (just bored AF right now). Appreciate you checking up on me dude, that means a lot. 🙂 You’re a true friend… even though I have some trouble understanding you.
–
When I was done with the titan (and the music changed to the iconic ‘Colossus Defeated’ music from the game), I was being invited by Shoot to join him. Meh, why not. Got nothing better to do. Him and Garruk where there, watching some anime with English subtitles. It was alright, still bored. Looking through my friends list every so often. Noticed the world DJ was in: ‘Fun Furry Night’. OwO, what’s this!? I was very tempted to join. Instead DJ joins me, just as bored as I was. I asked DJ “is there porn?” He drops a
portal, saying “go find out for yourself”. I go in.
Immediately facepalm (with both of my hands) when I saw the actual world. Didn’t take a picture as I was too busy facepalming. It wasn’t even related to furries.. it was a troll world. And I got trolled by DJ. GOD DAMNIT!! D:{ UGH.. no words.
He tells me this is one of the worlds he found for being bored, and wanted to show me another… of very questionable nature. In this world, were a few dicks. “And it’s
public!!” DJ says. Again, no words!
—
Now I can’t remember what happened later, only joining Garruk in The Mansion and seeing a FUCKTON of people!! If I was to guesstimate, 25+ people there. WOW. I’ve never seen so many in that world!! It was crazy! My computer was struggling to give me a
stable, playable framerate in the upper 30’s.
Later, I was ‘trying to get lucky’ with Garruk. But he had to take a shower. Damnit. 😛 Then I finally saw Cola on, who was in the movie world. I wanted to confront him about what he sent Blue, but I could never get him alone to do so (hanging around with other
friends), and then he left.
These other friends wanted to watch Home Alone, and I decided to watch with them.
As the movie was nearly over, Blue and Fluffy joined. Hung out with the two when the movie was done. Waited patiently incase Cola came back, and he did. But I couldn’t talk to the three as there were still a few friends left.
Instead I went to an area, and Fluffy saw me. He asked if everything was alright, and I said what I wanted to do. He asked “you want me to bring them here?” I said “as long as you don’t tell the others”.. instead he ends up doing the opposite. Oh well, they’re here.. it’s time.

And this is where things turned south. FAST.
I look at Cola straight in the eyes and tell him the truth about a poly. He says nothing. I’m finishing up and he leaves without a word. …FUCK. A minute later, my fears become true with him telling me he’s “leaving the group immediately”.
Couldn’t even describe what I was going through at that moment. Sadness. Frustration. Anger. Wanting to rip Ruffy limb from limb from telling me they ‘should be a poly, it would make the group stronger’.

IT’S TEARING IT APART!!! …This is why I NEVER wanted a true poly!! I KNEW Cola would be against it!!
…But the more I thought about it, I realized this was never Ruffy’s fault (or mine). This was all Cola. He was trying to shake up the group with these ‘choice’ questions, and didn’t realize he was going to start shit. And it’s all because of his trust issues and how he keeps doubting himself of ‘not being good enough’. I have given him all the love and support one can give. I have gotten him out of that shell… and this is the way he ‘thanks’ me, for never being able to show true love.
For a month, he felt Blue was ‘so much better’ than him, no matter how many fucking TIMES I have told him “I have NO favorites! I love you ALL!” He refused to accept it!
And now, he left. But I cannot say he’s ‘gone’ (as I don’t know if this also means he’ll never speak to us again and/or block us).
*sighs*…How unfortunate. Plus, Fluffy left the instance when I was an absolute mess. The only one that stayed with me, was Blue… just like he promised in the past of nomatter what I say, he’s not leaving my side. And he made me feel better with his presence, to the point that I told him “I wish I could just disband it, and we could be a couple.”
..I personally don’t feel Fluffy’s going to stay in the group much longer (after what he did last night). Yesterday, never once did he ask “how are you doing?” Like he just didn’t care about the group (and/or me).
Though, I want to go on a limb and say “he was probably tired and went to bed. He didn’t delibertly leave.”… yet why didn’t he tell me anything? Too tired to do so? Or feeling he would say the wrong thing (which is more likely).
I can only pray it was that. But it’s still wrong to leave me like that, in my time of need.

.
I dunno what I’m going to do, but staying out of VRChat for awhile is the primary thing. Probably play other games… just, do something else to get my mind off of this.

When you feel you need professional help
The first segment, I’m pretty sure you folks already know what I’m talking about.. seeing what I was doing in the Games blog. And after yesterday, I no longer feel like working on it. All I feel like doing now is shoving my head in the sand like an ostrich, and hope I succumb to asphyxiation.
Why, oh why, can I not let Jero go, and accept that I’ll never get him back?! And I think I know why, and I don’t think it’s my fault. I think, it’s Jero’s. He doesn’t have the guts to tell me, to let. him. GO! To let go of feelings beyond ‘friend’. Again, he isn’t telling me what’s on his mind (which caused the doubts in the first place). WHY can’t he LEARN!? He won’t come to me, to talk to me about this! He.. expects me to just, let him go, just like that! And that pisses me off. I want him to tell me off! I want to feel, I have to move on. But all he did when I told him about this, was leave subtle hints (instead of just flat out telling me “Benie I’m sorry for what happened to you, but you got to let me go. I’ve moved on. You got the group. You should be happy with them, not me. And you should be happy that I found love.
I know it wasn’t with you, and I was a fool for not seeing your love sooner. But, I don’t think it would had worked out. My life was an absolute mess back then, and I’m sorry you got caught up in it. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. I really am. But again, you got to let go of those memories of us, and move on. Make new happy memories with your group.“)
Hearing those ‘from the heart’ words, it would upset me (definitely). But it would finally make my heart realize that he’s gone and it’s pointless to try again; I have to move
on.
That, is what I desperately need right now. I would then have to unfriend (and possibly block) him, to visually get him out of my life. If I don’t see or hear him, my brain will know he’s gone forever.
No more of this ‘nothing’s going to change’ crap he tells me. It HAS changed, Jero. It absolutely has changed. We’re not a couple. That, is how it’s changed. Everytime I fucking SEE you, the memories (good and bad) flood my mind!! The only way to get rid of those memories for good, is to not see you in my friends list (or when I’m with Frost and you’re there)! It’s seriously the only way for me to fully move on.
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(Accidentally) Meeting ‘Chris’ (and getting confirmation)
The events that happened, I didn’t even expect them to happen. All I wanted to do was hang out with Wufy. Instead, I bump into Jero by complete accident (with Frost, BlueDrago, Wufy, and Kandy all in the same room). It was like 1/3 of Frost’s group was here.
Well this is awkward!! Heheh, hi all! Plus, DJ wants to join me (and it’s telling me “you can ask Frost to invite them”). Ha ha ha.. that’s not happening with those two. I was going to grab a few pictures, leave, and show DJ proof that Wufy’s with Frost now. But at the same time I could feel the repercussions of doing so– being labeled as a spy for DJ and barred from ever seeing them again. So I stayed, waiting for a moment to leave without looking suspicious.
Then fortune smiled upon me when someone named ‘Tinkerer Fox’ joins the instance, and I noticed how Jero was acting around him. Wait… is this, ‘Chris’? Because I definitely remember seeing that name the second time I joined Jero.
Time went on, and Frost indirectly confirmed it by saying: “Look at Chris over there by Jero!”

So Chris.. I finally found you! More like, you came to me. Now that I have confirmation that this ‘Tinkerer Fox’ is Chris, all I have to is actively join worlds, looking for friends of this person (aka track him down). When I find him, I’ll get to know him and hopefully he’ll friend me, and then we can talk like civilized adults about Jero.
Looking up his name in VRChat.com, I can see another similar name. ‘MasterChris’. I haven’t seen that name since the Best Boi era. It also shows, his Discord name!

On one hand, I’m all “MUHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU ARE MINE!!! You thought Frost could protect you! You thought WRONG!! 😀 He stupidly (indirectly) lead me right. to. YOU! And I didn’t even have to lift a claw! Now, you will feel the wrath of a dragon of a lost
love.. THAT YOU TOOK FROM ME!!!”
On the other hand (that I’m actually going with), I hope to talk to Chris alone about this in a civilized manner (as I just said above). To calmly tell him about me and my happiness with Jero, and to close it out with “please treat Jero with the same love and respect as I did. I wish both of you the best of luck.” And that, will be my way to move on from this. It was the same way I moved on from Wuffer.
—
More time passed (got a few pictures) with Wufy being silly and stuff like that, like this picture of me smoking through my nose;

Me on a Friday, after burning several villages to the ground.
Jero then left, Chris left a few minutes later. I decided to leave too, seeing Fluffy was joinable. But I was also feeling quite depressed (while also trying to get DJ to join and talk about what happened).
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A talk with DJ
Was telling Fluffy about what happened, but I also didn’t want to bore him at the same time. I could feel he was going through something as well (of the way he didn’t really react to me). So I tried to get DJ to get in here and tell him about Wufy. He wouldn’t join, so I asked Fluffy to stay put while I go and ask DJ to come with me.
Went to this really.. really..

..WHAT THE FUCK!!! …WOW. Just, WOW. Rolls and rolls of TV’s, all playing the nodding Gandalf scene with the music.

The world is called “VRChat at 5am“. Why.. just why. Whatever, I need to find DJ.. in this sea of endless nodding Gandalf’s. My lord, it made me disoriented, so I was forced to use the very thing I told DJ and Fluffy not to use.. the ‘teleport to player’ button. And DJ got on me about that. Told him I wanted to talk in private. He was with someone else at the time.
Fluffy joins the world.. even though I told him not to. But we’re now in the private world.
–
DJ already knows that Wufy’s been hanging with Frost quite a lot. Guess I just saw the proof. He also tells me that Frost feels DJ has ‘spies’ watching their every move, which he never did or even wanted to. The thing with spies was a joke that managed to scare them. Said in Summer of 2020, he might tell Wufy that he’s going to go to America for a
week (as a joke) just to scare Frost even more, claiming he knows where Frost lives.
Anyway, he’s more upset over Wufy than himself, feeling he might do the wrong thing of being with Frost and their group.
…He’s also been worried about me, the way I’ve been acting recently. Told him about Jero and Chris, who he doesn’t know who either of them are. So I gave him a history lesson of what true love should feel like to me (and why Jero didn’t show it). He hugged me, told me that I’ll find someone else out there. Told him about the group, and its current status (how that’s not going to happen).

When I want a lover more than a friend, I have a problem. What the fuck.. happened. Why do I want love so much? Why can I never appreciate friendship?
Oh, I know why, because friends..
-Question my life.
-Tell me I can change it. Even ‘true’ friends do it.
Lovers, accept who I am. They’re OK with what I’ve become and still love me. That’s why. I can’t trust friends, I can only trust lovers. So yeah, it’s a major trust issue.
–
And that’s basically it for this segment. DJ said he had things to do (said all he wanted to say to me about Wufy and stuff), and Blue was active.
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A literal ‘group chat’ is needed
Horray, group drama time!!
When I woke up today and checked my phone, Blue told me “Cola ask me that question he ask you…the one about a choice”.
Fuck. Cola doesn’t even know what a ‘poly’ is, and I had to explain it to Blue. But
why? Cola has made it perfectly clear, that he can never express true love. He can give
it, but he can never show it. This is been a thing since he had that anti-love shell over him.
Cola’s trying to tear the group apart; not on purpose mind you, it’s him feeling Blue’s ‘so much better’ (for me) than he is. At first I thought he was joking, but this is becoming serious.
Someone’s going to have to tell him what a ‘true poly’ is. But I’m legitimately scared to say it. I feel he’s going to leave the group, of him ‘being lied to’ and/or ‘feeling used’. Ruffy was wrong to say this is “going to make the group stronger”.. it’s going to tear it apart, because like I said, Cola is the reason why I never wanted it to be a poly.
–
I feel the need for a literal ‘group chat’ is now, to discuss the present and future of the group (and how to keep the group from imploding upon itself). Because it’s not on the same foundation as it was founded on… when I don’t feel happy of what has happened.
I liked it better how I had it. But of course none of us want Cola to leave over it.
I cannot foresee what could happen with this, but it’s all going to revolve around Cola.

A pretty tame day compared the day before (as in I was taking another break from VRChat, as Raft got updated and Kovo wanted to play it). But drama always finds a way to find me.
Also I feel dead as I type this.. like, half-awake and wishing I could go back to bed (but no as father has to go to the doctor, and guess who’s got cat-sitting duties for the 3rd fucking time these two weeks…. last night wasn’t fun, and I all I wanna do is sleep it off.
Plus the idea I had, may be a total flop due to the age of the original Dutchie model. So yeah.

So, drama eventually did find me, in the form of Ruffy…
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Crisis averted!!
Ruffy’s jumping my ass, assuming I ‘left’ Fluffy. The hell are you on about dude?! I never left him! I came close, but I didn’t. Then he sends me a small picture of Fluffy saying he’s heartbroken over ‘Bf broke up’. . . . . ….!! FLUFFY!!! DID YOU JUST FUCKING TELL HIM ABOUT NINJA?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL!!!!
I was that pissed, yes. This wasn’t supposed to be leaked to either him or Raymond, of how they would react to the news. I was also panicking, so I tried to cover my ass and lie my way out of this mess (saying “he’s talking about someone else, he made a mistake being inlove with someone else”. Suddenly a thought popped into my head, to use the whole poly thing against him. “But Ruffy, here’s the thing; the group’s a poly now. Remember? I should had let him go.”
Ruffy, knowing he didn’t have a leg to stand on at that point, gave up and said “Fluffy should be with you. You’re a good guy.” So, not only did I save my own ass, I saved Fluffy’s ass in the process (from Ruffy’s jealous wrath). Thank god for that sudden thought!!
Whew! However, this later made Ruffy depressed. Dude, I wish I could help you. I would give you Fluffy back if I could.
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Please stop the ‘it’s just a game’ crap
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me these four extremely annoying words, I’d be a billionaire by now! But with how much I’ve been told this, you’d think I would get the message and stop being so… me when it comes to gaming.
Hasn’t. happened. yet. 😛 Struggling to have fun while playing Raft, watching Kovo and Wufy do pretty much everything while I’m trying to help out (and learn at the same time).
Them taking all the resources for themselves and not leaving me with much. There was no control, no direction. It made me feel I was being ‘carried’ by the two. I wanted to help so badly, instead I felt I was doing the lesser jobs.
We get to the new content, I wanted to be the one to get Wufy know to drop the anchor. Instead, Kovo does it which I felt we could had gotten a bit closer. “It’s for pussies” Wufy says, which bothered my mind. Guess I’m a pussy then. :/ The two run for the new
content, Wufy saying “last one there is a rotten egg!” I’m better off as the rotten egg. Stayed behind and cooked potatoes while those two had fun checking out the new content. Fucking let them.. they’re doing all the work!! And this mindset got progressively worse of when they found how to do the new paddlewheels. Wufy said we needed to go
backwards, yet both didn’t understand why the wheel wasn’t spinning fast, feeling they left something at the new content.. I tried to say “we should go back” but got cut off by the Raft spinning out of control.
Since the two were fighting, I went over to the radar trying to adjust it so we could go back and try again (this time I was willing to go with them). I said “we should go back”
again, this time Wufy’s all “I’m pretty sure there’s nothing there” and telling me not to leave the radar on.
…Okay. That’s it. FUCK THIS!!! I’m DONE!! I don’t FUCKING CARE ANYMORE FOR THIS GAME!!! I am NOT having fun, I am being carried! I’m not LEARNING ANYTHING!!
Hid behind Kovo’s house and ‘went AFK’ to them. They assumed I was dealing with
drama, but I wanted to shut the server down, leave the call and close out Discord for the night, but that would cause more issues that I really don’t want to deal with.
So I worked on Unity instead, and saw the issues with the old model Jero used. I could see my player’s needs going down and just didn’t fucking care if I die from starvation. Maybe my corpse will glitch out of the world and crash the server. Then I hear Kovo saying he had some issues on Discord he had to deal with and said he needed to leave.
Wufy came up to me and asked if I wanted to stop playing and deal with my issues. The two were still assuming I was dealing with Discord drama with Fluffy or something.
–
20 minutes after leaving the call, I explained the reason I left to Wufy. He’s all “I don’t understand why you feel this. You never ask to help.” ..I shouldn’t have to ask! I expect to be told to make things! And that’s been the theme when I got pulled back into the call to discuss this. But what was embarrassing as HELL, is Nigh was also in the call with us. And this is where the “it’s just a game” came from. I wanted to slam him to the ground for what I’ve been through in VRChat, and tell me this is a ‘game’.
I have NEVER had fun with any game I’ve ever played in my life. There is always something that gets under my skin and makes me refuse to say “oh well! It’s just a game!!” FUCK that shit!!!! I play to WIN, not for fun! And when I’m not in control of what I’m doing, I get pissed!

.
And this is why I typically play on my own anymore. I don’t get along well with others, aka why I don’t have a job.

A day where I wished to be alone with my thoughts, and I got just that (apart from Shoot joining me). It also was a day where I wanted to run away from my thoughts.
Writing that ‘a lot happened’ post, was around 2:39 in the afternoon (listening to Pandora while working) when Ninja unexpectingly calls me. Tried to go as fast as possible grabbing my audio headset and talked to him (while he’s playing Beat Saber). There’s a reason why I said I was “running away from my thoughts” (him playing ‘Sonata Artica – FullMoon’). It’s a very catchy song.
Since I already talked about this in the previous post, I’ll talk about what happened after I ended the call (as I really wanted to get back to work on the previous blog post). Kovo also talked to me, asking if everything’s alright with ‘my boyfriend’. Not really the best choice of words for what I went through, but he doesn’t know what’s going on. So I briefly explained it, and that was about it of that conversation.
–
Did get into VRChat when I finally finished up (had some other RL things to do, plus Shoot wants me to get on for cuddles). Listening to what Ninja told me about being nice to people: “just remember you never have to do anything you dont want”. And having Shoot constantly wanting to be with me is getting annoying. I said this before and I’ll say it
again.. I don’t like clingy people. I can’t stand them.
Tried to join Kovo (his world, in a public instance). It got updated. Joined and.. where’s Kovo? Hell.. where is everyone?! I’m the only one here in a public instance! Hmm. Oh well. Was semi-curious what got changed in the world, so I looked around a bit, then decided to hang around the mirror.
5 or minutes later, Kovo joins. He had no idea why the instance was made public, and created a Friends+ one instead. The usual suspects started joining; Stylez, Jedi Blue Foxy. Etc. Acid and Chris were also here, and it felt like the weekend at the main mirror. So many memes of four people with the Jack Septiceye avatar wanting to do the really spammy one that can lag out an instance if there’s enough of them.
I noticed something was going on between Acid and Chris (again). Acid was trying to avoid being around Chris, and I think it had to do when Chris was talking to me about Acid not being lewd but constantly looking like he was going for his crotch, and I saw this firsthand.
–
One time I saw Chris behind the Best Boi statue, and asked if he was doing alright. He said Acid keeps talking to Kovo behind his back about him, and something about “I know he wants me to leave him”. Know those aren’t the exact words he said to me, but I forgot them.
I went to go look for Acid to talk to him, but he’s looking for Chris. And the two met somewhere that I never found them. I’d love to help with your relationship issues, but I got my own to deal with. Sorry.

================================================
A movie made me forgive Fluffy
Decided to go to the movie world (by myself) and watch some of those short animated Christmas movies (hoping Fluffy would come on, and we could talk about this). He never did.
Watching the Disney classics ‘Mickey’s Once Upon A Christmas’ and ‘Mickey’s Twice Upon A Christmas’. The second one (final segment), moved me to where I was in tears. It was about Pluto wanting to help Mickey with the star on the tree, but wants it so bad that he ends up destroying the house. The more I watched it, the more I could imagine Pluto being
Fluffy.. and myself being Mickey. And how Mickey (in a way) didn’t want Pluto around anymore for what he did to the house. The house being destroyed, could be seen as my virtual life. Pluto left, but everywhere he went, he saw Mickey and missed him. This is literally Fluffy.. and thinking about it as I type this, I can feel tears going down my
face.
When it was over, I felt “I can’t hold onto this grudge. What Fluffy did was a boneheaded move, but I still love him.. just like Mickey loves Pluto.”
Another aspect on the movie is the crazy snowplow. This could be seen as my decision to make the group a poly, how it keeps hounding me. And when Goofy and the others came out, saying they were helping Mickey look for Pluto, I could imagine them being the
group, also wanting Fluffy to come back. And it represented how they still love me to
bits, despite the decision.
================================================

After I dried my tears (and the wiped the facepad of my VR Headset to get the water
out), I wanted Fluffy to get on. He however was quite busy IRL to do so. I watched one more movie before looking at my friends list. Saw Jero on, and wondered… as much as I miss him, I kind of wish he would come see me and talk to me (instead of the other way around).
Went to go see him. Spawned in a cabin with some people inside. A few friends were
here (one of them was AFK). I wanted to kind of go looking for Jero, but before I could leave the cabin, one friend saw me and wanted to say hi. Hey there! I was kind of hoping for the friend to get distracted (he was talking to a few other people). Finally it happened and I made a break for the door. Finally outside, I looked around in the snow for Jero.
PHD Mcstuffin’s also here. Sweet! Except I don’t really watch YouTube anymore.
Going around the back of the cabin, said to myself “watch Jero be AFK”. No sooner than a minute later, I stumbled upon an AFK Jero who was laying down on the top of some steps overlooking a waterfall.
Instead of staying with him, I went up the mountain behind him and waited, looking down at him. No one can see me up here. So in a sense I was ‘stalking’ him; more like watching him as I wanted to talk to him.
Time passed and I was falling asleep in VR. If I was to guesstimate how long I’ve been up here, about 15 minutes (though it felt like a half an hour). Fluffy had joined and I tried to get him to follow me, but he was having audio issues. Now he’s on the mountain with
me.
Told him about Ninja, how he in a way ‘dumped’ me, and how I feel the events that happened with Fluffy (and how I felt even if they didn’t), the outcome would had been the same. He hugged me. Then I told him about the movie I watched and how it reminded me of us, and how once again I want him to be like Jero. Told him I didn’t want to leave
him, but I’m tired of giving him these constant chances.
Still looking down at Jero, I noticed two others were there with him. Mcstuffin was one of them. Huh.. what is he doing with Jero? Odd. Speaking of Jero, I saw him wake up and Fluffy hopped off the mountain to talk to him.
I went the other direction, feeling dread in my mind of Jero seeing me (and with Mcstuffin being a YouTuber with a huge fanbase.. yeah). Luckily they never saw me, but I was also semi-curious of what they were talking about (while I’m hearing this one guy upstairs in the cabin talking about sticking five dildos up his ass).

lmao. Anyway, the cabin has a guest room attachment on the side of it. Saw Jero talking to Fluffy and another friend close to the guest houses (Mcstuffin was AFK in the same spot Jero was).
Got close to the wall and used playspace mover to drag my viewpoint over to them, to hear their conversation. I nearly had it until the damn thing resetted on me. Relocated to another part of the cabin and was about to do it again, when Ninja messaged me on Discord to let me know him and Fluffy are just friends now. The notification on my phone alerted Jero to my presence (somehow). When I put my headset back on, I saw Jero waving at me from the window.


…Hi Jero! Heheheh. Asked me what I was doing, so I lied and said “I’m just checking out the world!” Totally wasn’t wanting to talk to you about Fluffy. Left the cabin and went around it, not really wanting to talk about this (infront of the other friend at least). And just like when I got here, I wanted for them to get distracted, respawned, then went to another world. I’m sorry Jero, but I’m not really here for casual talk.
Relaxed while sitting on this island, that was overlooking a city. Most of the people in the world were in other areas of the world, so it was pretty quiet (and I enjoyed it).
But my peace and quiet got interrupted by a few friends who wanted to say hi (and I said hi back). Fluffy then joined, and when he came up to me… I thought I saw Jero coming up to me. Holy. Fluffy. You got Jero’s old avatar?! Oh. my. god. This, this is perfect. Now you can truly be like Jero!!
But I never had a chance to talk to him about it, as a friend wanted to talk to us (and wouldn’t go away). Fluffy then needed to go to bed and left.

Told Fluffy what I wanted to say, how this was really nice of him to do this.
================================================
An idea I should’ve had a LONG time ago
Suddenly a thought came to me, that warmed my heart. Fluffy having this, and remembering how I got the group dancing..

HOLY FUCK.. I just got an idea!! I could have Jero’s old avatar, dance for me!! 😀 All I have to do is ask Kat for the model and texture sheet, and it would be as if Jero’s there, but in spirit.
See, the thought came from the group itself. I was happy at the time to do this, but it didn’t really bring me joy anymore when I kept on feeling drama with the group. Kovo has Nova that he proudly has dancing for him. And to have Jero dancing infront of me..
Words could not express how happy I would feel. Essentially he would be a part of the group (just in spirit). I can feel my heart turning to mush just thinking about what I could do, with those beautiful green eyes of his.
I can’t wait to show him. 🙂
================================================
Early morning talk with Wufy
Almost 4:30 in the morning, working on this very post. I saw Wufy and DJ in general chat. Remembering what I told Wufy the day before (that I would tell him what’s going on), I joined them and explained everything. Wufy told me Fluffy told him their side of the
story, and it seemed they didn’t tell him everything that happened (especially the thing with Lunar).
But… he also tell me “you cannot make Fluffy be like Jeromeah, Benie. We are all special in our own way. Jeromeah has something special to you, and Fluffy has something special when it comes to him. It’s impossible for a person to act like someone else.”
My feelings;

I dunno what to say right now, only that Fluffy is going to be very upset when he hears this. So, I’m going to keep this a secret. Wufy’s right, I…I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m practically ‘using’ him because I miss Jero so much, and that is so wrong.
I’m going to wait ’till after I get this thing I want to do with Jero’s old avatar, done. I want to show Jero, and then I want to talk to Aftershock about this… what I should do. If I tell Fluffy now, he’s going to be ruined and probably never want to go to school again. I don’t want that (obviously).
Here’s a thought: let’s just be friends, Fluffy. You go back to Ruffy, make him happy. That’s what he needs right now. I got the group. And soon, I’ll have Jero (in spirit). It will end all of this love drama (with me at least).

.
What I really want is Aftershock, Ruffy, Fluffy, and myself all talking to eachother about this. Get us all in one spot, sit down and talk about Fluffy and the group. Maybe even Cola if he could come too, as he’s the one that in a sense made me decide to turn it into a
poly.

To explain what happened yesterday, would be like a huge rollercoaster (with myself and Ninja riding it); highs and lows. Then a semi-truck named ‘Fluffy’… crashes through it and takes Ninja away from me.
So yeah! Awesome day. Would had been a really good day if it wasn’t for Fluffy ruining everything. I was on the verge of kicking him out of the group and blocking him… still might do that.
He is going to FIX the mess he created, or I will never speak to him again. This is next
level FUCKED UP!!
–
But, let’s talk about the good things that happened first.
First off, I got a.. somewhat sound sleep. Was having bodily problems ‘down under’ (if you get what I mean).

Having to change my pants twice in one night, a most unpleasant thing.. time to pull out the Pepto-Bismol! With that taken care of, I noticed Ninja was online. However I was busy typing out yesterday’s blog post of the day before.
Finishing up, I joined him but didn’t see him in the world. I heard him, but didn’t see him. He was on the roof, trying to help someone not hurt themself. A few friends were here (but AFK), so I waited for Ninja to finish with his talk. But he never did. Infact he went to a private world with the person and a few others who were also trying to help the person.
Shoot was here at the time, and I stayed with him for awhile.

Now before I continue, I must warn you folks that due to so much happening, my mind has forgotten the times it happened (if it happened before or after dinner). I can only remember certain things that happened;
–Discovered Garruk is Shoot’s RP… mother?! WTF?!?! lmao
–I found a new homeworld while trying to hang with friends who weren’t in the world. It’s filled with Anime stuff, but I like the design of the house. And it has a pettable doggo. I’m sold. 🙂
–Talked to Red Fox about the whole ‘ghosting’ thing. He said everything’s fine and he still loves me. Said Discord never notified him of the messages I sent him, and he’s been busy at work. So, he has now risen past Fluffy (who has fallen to near the ‘CRITICAL’ level for what he did to me).
-Hung out with lots of Ninja’s friends. My lord, now I see where he got his lewd side.
-Watched some movies with Shoot. Muum also joined. And speaking of Muum, I discovered he’s taken (has a GF). Had a feeling.
================
Now I can talk about what lead up to the shitshow with Fluffy (that had DJ, Aftershock and Lunar involved.. and nearly Wufy if I didn’t act quickly). Like I said I was with Ninja’s friends, and then Fluffy joined the instance. I saw Kovo online and felt it was time for Ninja to go meet him.
Dropped a portal and we did so. There were a LOT of people here.. more than the world can handle, and this caused him to crash once. And one time Fluffy was running away for some bizarre reason. He was lagging bad too, and ran all the way to the server border (and off of it). Ninja talked to me about this, mentioning that Fluffy has feelings for him. But I never knew he had ‘those’ kind of feelings.
He also told me that he wanted time to look for someone else (and I was kind of getting in the way of that). I apologized for it and said I would give him space. Even though he really likes me, he wants that IRL relationship really bad (that I can never give with my current living conditions). And about that guy I mentioned the day before (how it looked like I wouldn’t be his BF anymore)? …The guy is 51. Yes, 8 years older than me. That is insane!!
–
We’re now playing games (he’s being the invisible monster while I and a few others are trying to kill it. Was a lot of fun). Then Fluffy rejoins and joins me and him. Ninja’s now feeling that maybe he should give Fluffy a chance.
…Wait what?! But you’re inlove with me! If you go for Fluffy, he would be stealing you from me! But I also didn’t know what to say to him (so I said nothing). And.. he gave him a chance. I tried to hide the pain I’m now going through. This is fucked UP!! Fluffy was supposed to replace Jero (for me)! ..Not be inlove with the one that I’M inlove with!! That’s the SECOND fucking time he’s done this! First with Blue, now with Ninja! And I don’t think I will ever forgive him for doing this.
Talking to DJ who’s at the mirror about this. I cut it short when I see Fluffy and Ninja running up to me… and making out infront of me. FLUFFY, WHAT THE HELL!! This is NOT OK!! First you steal my BF, now you’re doing this!
Aftershock was surprisingly in a joinable world, so I go join him. I have to, this is really bad what he just did. But he’s with Lunar and a few others. I tried talking to just Aftershock, but the others want to know what’s going on and I run off. Aftershock follows me (with a friend). I calm the fuck down and kindly tell the friend that I would like to have a private conversation with Aftershock.
Start explaining the situation. DJ joins the instance (wanting to know what’s going on). So I explain up to where I told Aftershock. Then both of them are having issues with their computer; DJ with Steam crashing on him, and Aftershock with heavy studdering (what I was getting too with this world). Both left the instance, and I waited for one of them to come back.
It was DJ that did first, and we kept explaining. Lunar was becoming active at the time and DJ was messing with her (with the whole ‘she doesn’t feel she’s cute’ thing). Then Fluffy joined. At first I wanted to avoid him, then I felt “he must be here to tell me he’s sorry. Let’s hear him out”. Acted like he had no idea what’s going on. I’m looking away from
him, saying how he stole Ninja from me. I turn around… OH FUCK– Ninja! When did you get in here?!
Knowing he heard every word, I immediately got out of that world… feeling it’s over for me, that I fucked up majorly (he’ll never speak to me again over this, etc etc). Friend joined the instance (who had no idea what’s going on). I did my best to smile through the pain in my mind. Lunar then joined, followed by DJ (wanting answers from me). But both felt compassionate when I said how I had to get the fuck out of that instance.
–
Can’t remember what happened next, only that I went back to the world (but avoided going into the building where they were). Lunar caught up to me, wanting to ‘kill Fluffy’ for what happened to me. Aftershock joined the instance and I was able to explain the rest (in a new instance). Friends+ is a bad idea, but Lunar ran in.
Fluffy joined us, as I feared. Lunar was getting very upset over Fluffy’s actions (saying “I’m gonna kill him! I’m gonna kill him!!”). So there were two arguments going on. The first one was Fluffy keeping Lunar blocked for no reason, and the other was this.
Thankfully, Ninja never joined the instance.
So Fluffy tells me that I took Ninja from him. HOW?! Ninja didn’t even fucking KNOW you at the time!! Do NOT lie to me, Fluffy!! Then he tries to apologize. No, not this time. You will fix the mess you created. Yet I feel the damage is already done and I’m probably ‘stuck’ with the group again.

And that’s basically it (of this) that I can say. As for the whole thing with Lunar, the two were forced to become friends again and talk it out. I’m glad Aftershock was joinable when I needed someone to talk to.
—
Today, Ninja wanted to talk to me (shockingly). But he wasn’t mad at me, only a bit confused on what he should do about Fluffy. He wants Fluffy to be happy, but hears my frustration over the whole thing. He also wanted to talk to me about, us. He felt we were going a bit too far, and he was feeling really strong feelings for me.
So either way, Ninja was planning to just be friends with me, and apologized for hurting me. No Ninja, this isn’t your fault. This was never your fault. You made a few mistakes and so did I (for just wanting to have someone I could call my own, once again).

…Wtf happened to what I said before, how I was going to put my foot down to this? I can never truly be happy, with how old I am and my current living conditions. They will always keep me from finding true love.
I should just accept I have Cola, Blue and Red who love me very much. It’ll never be true love like Jero (and the others that came before him), but it’s the closest I’ll ever have.
As for Fluffy… I dunno. I don’t know.

I truly am disappointed of what he did. This, is a new low. I should just kick him out of the group (and permablock). I should had listened to Sunset. He was right.
But I feel it’s best to follow Aftershock’s lead when it comes to this. All I do know, is Fluffy’s going to have to prove he’s sorry to me. Acting like Jero isn’t going to cut it anymore (as he failed to do that). I would had never thought of wanting true love with someone like Ninja, if I was happy with Fluffy. That is the honest truth.. I would had said to Ninja:”I’m sorry, you’re a sweet guy.. but I’m in a group, and I have to stay true to
them.”

.
As to what he needs to change, the list is too long and too complicated to put into words. And, I don’t think he can ever fix it. As I said before, I feel he has ADHD or something else. And words aren’t going to fix that… myself tolerating it, will. And I have done my best to tolerate it. But I’m at my breaking point.
Fluffy is too young to understand what true love feels like (nomatter how much I’ve tried to hammer it into his head, he’ll never GET IT why this shit keeps happening to him)! He refuses to accept responsibility, and won’t think before reacting.
What makes things worse (on him) is he won’t DO anything to make sure this never happens again! SICK of these fake promises he never keeps! THIS is why I feel blocking him is the only answer.
He’s a nice guy, but he’s got a LOT to fix about him.

Happy December 1st. Right now I would be putting my tree up. But my feelings I currently have, drained me from doing so.
—
Yesterday was one part “..you didn’t understand me when I told you?!”, one part playing Beat Saber in VRChat (and getting used to standing up while in VR for a change), and one part “wow. Wuffer never, ever said this to me. No one did.”
There’s a fair chance I may no longer have Virtual-Ninja as a BF (and just have the group again). But it isn’t from these feelings, it’s from someone he met. It was a mistake from the start (on his part) anyway. He was doing a me; desperate for love. lmao, it showed when he accepted who I am!
Finally.. the feelings. I feel 2020 could be the year I’ll (hopefully) make some substantial changes in my real life. Feel I have to, even though I was told “don’t ever feel you’re being forced by feelings that might not happen. Do it when you feel confident.”
–
But let’s get on with it!!
=================================================
Fluffy, I still really love you
Day 2 since Virtual-Ninja became my BF, and again I had to get up at 9am. Luckily this time my mother got her ID updated. 6 year extension. Yet I feel that ID could outlive her. Didn’t really spend much time with Ninja today (in VRChat that is, but I did watching him play more Beat Saber and Blade and Sorcery). Fluffy saw me in Discord and asked what I was doing. I told him, and he was all “uhh.. wait. Did– did you say ‘BF’??”
Yeah? Fluffy, I told you this before. He’s all “I didn’t understand what you were talking about”. ..What?! *sigh*
Explained it to him from the beginning. God damnit I hate repeating myself! So frustrating. I felt at anytime I would be forced to tell Ninja that I ‘have to leave the call to deal with some drama.’
But I said to Fluffy: “Fluffy, no matter what happens, my love for you and the group isn’t going to change. I swear it.” And he realized he was overreacting, saying I was going to be like Aftershock and ‘use him’. Absolutely not! That will never happen! You WILL be loved to the fullest. 🙂 And I even proved it to him (after Ninja went to work) by hanging with him all the way until it was dinnertime.
After dinner is when I was playing Beat Saber in VRChat (while standing up in VR). It feels so much better (when I’m not smacking my fan.. and my computer with the controllers). I feel more in control of my arms (and to somewhat enhance my hand-eye coordination). My favorite song (that I did three times) is Lone Digger on Hard difficulty. That difficulty feels ‘just right’ for me; not too fast, not too slow.
=================================================
‘Can’t explain the feeling!!’
It’s been a long, long time since I’ve used witty pop culture references for my blog titles. And this very much explains my feelings.
Hanging out with Shootnsuch again, I decided to invite him to the movie world. The world has been updated, now containing a plethora of classic (and new) Christmas movies! Most are the classic kid favorites (even the original ‘The Grinch That Stole Christmas’ is there)! Hehe. 25 movies for every day until Christmas. 🙂
But we didn’t watch any of those. Instead, we watched ‘Fury’; a movie based off a true story during WWII (when the Germans were using modified tanks). And it really showed the horrors of war.. how German civilians who had no interest in fighting were drafted into the army. We’re talking women and children. It shows just how desperate Germany was to conquer the world during those very dark times.
–
During the movie, Ninja let me know that he’s now home from work. Later he calls me. This time I accept the call on my Desktop instead of my phone. What he told me, I never expected. Well, first he told me how the hours are getting longer, and something about he would have to leave at 11am and how it’s going to be getting quite busy most of the
month. So he does more than dishwashing. Apparently he also serves food and stuff like that at his local mall.
Then he tells me “you know, they have jobs for people like you. At least in Canada.” ‘People like me’? What are you on about? He’s diagnosing my stubbornness to change my life as depression, saying he’s dealt with people like me and managed to change their minds.

…Someone else that thinks they can change me. Except, he did it in a much different way. And I never told him that I’m stubborn. No. I know I need to change some aspects of my life. This had to do with driving. He never once mentioned about having a car, or seemed he was trying to push me. Occasionally he said “well remember that you’re in control of your emotions.” And to not be scared of what happened on the bridge.
Finally when I said “I just want a feeling that I can find some way of getting back up there when failing my driving test over and over, as I feel my father will get too annoyed of taking me up there. But only if I can get that thing secured, will I have the courage to try again”, he said how it was “all in your head”.
Not sure how that helps. But one thing that did is him saying “do it when you feel you’re ready”. Mmm.. I just don’t know how much longer I’m allowed to wait ’till I become ready.
–
And that is what made me feel “I have to do something, next year.. before my time on this world ends. Not for my parents, but for myself. I have to stop letting this wish of wanting to go out to eat whenever I want, only be a wish. I have to make it into reality.”
Ninja believes I can pull it off. All it takes, is effort and a lot of luck that I’m able to not only find a way up to the DMV to get a driver’s permit, but find someone that isn’t my father (who has a license) that I’m legally allowed to drive until I pass the test and get my own license.
Those are going to be the biggest hurdles for me to jump over (just to start), and I don’t know where I’m even going to start.. unless I ask WildBoy. Though Indiana’s laws could be different than Kentucky’s (and may not legally allow me to do what I want).

!!BONUS SECTION!!
It seems my time with Ninja being my BF, may be coming to a close (and this is a most welcome thing). He was with someone in a public world who couldn’t sleep. But this someone is also a Canadian (and has a dragon sona). Plus the person lives 1-2 hours away from him.
It’s perfect for him! Hopefully the two become more than friends and he lets me go. I’ll be so happy when he does. Though deep down, I know I’m going to miss him (as he reminds me of the fun I had with Wuffer). Except we did things a bit differently.

“He” meaning Ninja and “you” meaning Wuffer.
I was prepared for this. I kept telling myself “I know this isn’t going to work.” And boom I was right. He made a mistake wanting me, and he’s trying to correct it (but is shocked that I’m perfectly OK with it). And it’s all because I have the group to fall back to. Yet.. having someone I could call my own (even when it was very brief) felt nice.

…I made a mistake too, for ‘wanting that title’ again, but I’m forced to face reality.
My mindset of how I take things too literal, my current living conditions, and my age are what turns people away from me. While I could try to fix the first two… my age is something no one but God can control. I could lie about it, but that isn’t the right thing to do.
Having someone find me attractive, is freakin’ impressive. I wish Ruffy, Breezy, and Wufy all had the same luck I did (and it staying into a very happy relationship for years to come), so those three won’t feel alone anymore.
As for myself, with these unfortunate things in place, I have to let go of anyone in the future that finds me attractive, no matter how hard it hurts me. But, maybe Ninja just wasn’t ‘the one’.
–
So, I should look on the bright side here– I still have the group (as I said before), and they love me so very much.
And Fluffy, I feel is very much willing to be my BF, for he has stuck with me for 2-3 months now (and fully understands what I’m going through). But there are three problems with him;
-He’s still 17 (until December 22nd).
-He gets easily tired during virtual sex (gets very annoying).
-Has a moderate case of ADHD (doesn’t follow my words clearly).
-…He is not a ‘Jero replacement’, as much as I want him to be.
He needs to work on the bottom three. Claims he’s trying to change. But I know how ‘well’ he changes things in his life (as in it’s not that he won’t, but he can’t as he doesn’t know how), and that’s why he’s always below Blue.
But so is Cola. Even though he’s got a car (yet no job because of his health issues), he refuses to feel true love for someone. So even if Blue and Cola decided to become
lovers, I doubt it would last long over this. And Cola at times tends to annoy me when shit like what happened with him avoiding Blue (and not wanting to tell me the reason) comes up. Hopefully it never happens again, and so far it looks like they talked it over and it’s all cool between the two.

This is why I should drop this stupid ‘feel worried of them leaving me’ from my
mind– their own lives keep them from finding another. It’s like, letting go of three dogs. But.. those dogs come right back to me, looking at me in the face with those innocent puppy eyes like…

“don’t you love us!? We love you!!” … *tears up from thinking about it* God I hate being emotional sometimes.
And usually this happens..

Being licked to death with a huge smile on my face. Hehe. 🙂 I love you all.
The thing is, one of those three, isn’t coming back to me. For that dog is too busy with RL to even come and hi anymore (talking about Red). I feel like he’s ‘ghosting’ me at this point, and I wish he would stop it.
The reason why I have that word in quotes, is I bet if I come up to him (as occasionally I’ve seen him online), he’ll still have feelings for me. I’m going to have to talk to him about this. Even though the group is a poly, I want to know if he’s planning on leaving it. Because I cannot keep feeling this from him. I want answers.

Quite the interesting day I had yesterday. And once again I’m up at 9 in the morning! Weee. Apparently our local DMV was…. closed for Black Friday!? So mother’s trying again to get her ID renewed. The cat’s in the house, as it’s been raining all morning (and still is as I type this). This makes my job a lot easier, and how I can lie myself out of “spending time” with the cat (as the cat gets very bitchy when she doesn’t get to go out). I still love her though.
I thought of naming the title “What can I say, everyone loves me!” But with how dynamic today was (minus spending a half of the day with my new BF watching YouTube videos together), I cannot use that for this morning’s title.
I will start off with Garruk’s RP son (‘Shootnsuch’) who’s been hanging out with me.. quite a lot, to where it almost feels I’m being Garruk’s ‘RP babysitter’.
===========================================
My cuddle buddy
For nearly two days, he’s been by me for almost all the time. I dunno what the heck he sees in me (I’m boring, dude).. but I am very affectionate. I guess that’s why he stays with me.
There’s not really much left to say, just he’s been with me most of the day. Well, he also sounds like he’s in his 30’s. Not really a voice I would describe being an RP son. But besides his voice, apparently he feels constantly alone (even when I’m there snuggling him).
I step away for 5 minutes to do something, and he feels alone. This is.. no offense, 5x worse than Wufy. This morning (while I was talking to my BF in a Discord call), he wanted to play some games with me. Except, I’m not much of a gamer as I once was (still being burned for what Blizzard did many years ago with WoD). I honestly don’t know why I still am. Maybe age.
But anyway, that’s about it for this section. There’s really not much else to say about him.
===========================================
Nearly dodging disaster
Hanging with Shoot (in a Friends only instance of Kovo’s world I made of randomly being booted to my homeworld about an hour ago), I’m also talking to Ninja who just got back home from work.. this is when Raymond joins the instance. Oshi– he doesn’t know of Ninja and might act wrongly to hearing I have an actual BF (even while still being part of the group). In the morning, he was disappointed to hear that Fluffy ‘lied’ about their birthday (it’s December 22nd when Fluffy turns 18, instead of my mother’s birthday).
He was hearing him talking to me (I mistakenly accepted the call on my phone instead of my computer, because it’s easier to do so than go into SteamVR’s virtual desktop and hope I can move the virtual mouse over to Discord to accept the call).
–
But what saved me from him asking “who are you talking to?” was a friend of his just coming on and him going to see them. This was also perfect timing as Ninja was getting ready to join me. I know I won’t be lucky every time, and he’ll eventually find out. I just hope he won’t take offense to it.
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Anti-Wuffer Con
I had multiple ideas to explain this section, but this is the best one I could think of. With Ninja now here (so was Fluffy), there was also GrayTheWolf and Sneaky. Apparently, even Gray once dated Wuffer (and got burned just like Sneaky, Ninja, and myself).
“Wuffer treats love like toilet paper. Uses you and then throws it away.” and it felt right at that time, almost everyone who had dated Wuffer at one time were there, sharing their own stories. I told Sneaky what Garruk told me about Wuffer; how he’s trying to make me look bad infront of everyone. They already know Wuffer really doesn’t like me. “It makes him feel powerful, but it’s only showing how low he’s gotten.” Gray said. I definitely agree to this, it’s sad what Wuffer has become.
Ninja looks at me and says “It’s not just you, Wuffer does this to all of his ex’s. It’s just something you’re going to have to ignore and let Wuffer doom himself.” Said “yeah, I’m already doing that.”
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Ruffy’s true loneliness
And now for the ‘most interesting’ of the day (more like very early this morning but I digress). Ruffy’s there (along with Blue and Cola), feeling alone yet talking to random people. Decide to be affectionate with him (messing with him like I do with Blue who also has phantom touch). But one time he was all “how dare you!” I said “what are you going to do, huh?” Then he says “you!” Decide to act like Wufy and say “ok, when then?” And that startles him, not expecting me to actually be OK with it.
I continue with this, occasionally asking him “so, when are you going to do me? You said you would.” And he’s all “um..”
You did this Ruffy, follow through with it. And it seemed he was actually interested.. to the point he was really tired yet refused to go to bed (he wanted to be with me). Kept telling him to go to bed.
–
One time, there was this person he apparently didn’t like, and the two went to go talk privately while I went to go look for Cola and Blue. Still looking for the two, I see Ruffy come out of where he was, crying and saying something to the other person about needing to get off to feel better. A half an hour later, he messages me in Discord saying he was still up. Soooo.. I made sure he was going to go to bed, and he was pretty blown away by it. Pretty sure I left a lasting impression on him.

It hasn’t even been a day, and yet I’m feeling similarities that this Virtual-Ninja could be
a ‘Wuffer clone’. Here are the similarities;
–((Major Similarity)) Doesn’t have a 9 to 5 job (goes to work at 4:30pm). Though he has a job as a dishwasher.
-Doesn’t mind my age or my current living status.
–((Major Similarity)) Wanted to watch YouTube videos together. However, his choice is slightly different than Wuffer (no Asian Andy or Dashie).

Yet there are also things that keep him from being a full-on Wuffer clone;
–((Major Difference)) We did the dirty (he advanced it, while I’m willing to take it nice and slow. Mainly because I still got the group if this fails).
-Plays mainly VR games (not Wizard 101).
–((Major Difference)) Has been 100% completely transparent with his feelings.
-Didn’t mind if I’m too busy to come on and see him.
–((Major Difference)) Doesn’t talk about what he’s going to eat (this bored me about Wuffer).
-Hasn’t asked me (yet) for my phone number, where we could virtually sleep together.
–((Major Difference)) Wuffer didn’t have full body when I first met him (or any time I dated or tried to date him).
And that’s about it. Going to ask him more questions (such as)..
–What kind of music/food do you like?
–What VR headset do you own?

Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing? It’s really too early to tell at this point. It’ll take 2-3 (or more) days to fully know how he works.
There’s also one major thing I don’t really like about him. And that is how he’s a
realist. Not saying it ‘conflicts’ with me being a pessimist (at least not yet), but he thinks things realistically. It even made Kandy question it a few times yesterday, when he was talking about the universe and stuff.