When you feel you need professional help
The first segment, I’m pretty sure you folks already know what I’m talking about.. seeing what I was doing in the Games blog. And after yesterday, I no longer feel like working on it. All I feel like doing now is shoving my head in the sand like an ostrich, and hope I succumb to asphyxiation.
Why, oh why, can I not let Jero go, and accept that I’ll never get him back?! And I think I know why, and I don’t think it’s my fault. I think, it’s Jero’s. He doesn’t have the guts to tell me, to let. him. GO! To let go of feelings beyond ‘friend’. Again, he isn’t telling me what’s on his mind (which caused the doubts in the first place). WHY can’t he LEARN!? He won’t come to me, to talk to me about this! He.. expects me to just, let him go, just like that! And that pisses me off. I want him to tell me off! I want to feel, I have to move on. But all he did when I told him about this, was leave subtle hints (instead of just flat out telling me “Benie I’m sorry for what happened to you, but you got to let me go. I’ve moved on. You got the group. You should be happy with them, not me. And you should be happy that I found love.
I know it wasn’t with you, and I was a fool for not seeing your love sooner. But, I don’t think it would had worked out. My life was an absolute mess back then, and I’m sorry you got caught up in it. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. I really am. But again, you got to let go of those memories of us, and move on. Make new happy memories with your group.“)
Hearing those ‘from the heart’ words, it would upset me (definitely). But it would finally make my heart realize that he’s gone and it’s pointless to try again; I have to move
on.
That, is what I desperately need right now. I would then have to unfriend (and possibly block) him, to visually get him out of my life. If I don’t see or hear him, my brain will know he’s gone forever.
No more of this ‘nothing’s going to change’ crap he tells me. It HAS changed, Jero. It absolutely has changed. We’re not a couple. That, is how it’s changed. Everytime I fucking SEE you, the memories (good and bad) flood my mind!! The only way to get rid of those memories for good, is to not see you in my friends list (or when I’m with Frost and you’re there)! It’s seriously the only way for me to fully move on.
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(Accidentally) Meeting ‘Chris’ (and getting confirmation)
The events that happened, I didn’t even expect them to happen. All I wanted to do was hang out with Wufy. Instead, I bump into Jero by complete accident (with Frost, BlueDrago, Wufy, and Kandy all in the same room). It was like 1/3 of Frost’s group was here.
Well this is awkward!! Heheh, hi all! Plus, DJ wants to join me (and it’s telling me “you can ask Frost to invite them”). Ha ha ha.. that’s not happening with those two. I was going to grab a few pictures, leave, and show DJ proof that Wufy’s with Frost now. But at the same time I could feel the repercussions of doing so– being labeled as a spy for DJ and barred from ever seeing them again. So I stayed, waiting for a moment to leave without looking suspicious.
Then fortune smiled upon me when someone named ‘Tinkerer Fox’ joins the instance, and I noticed how Jero was acting around him. Wait… is this, ‘Chris’? Because I definitely remember seeing that name the second time I joined Jero.
Time went on, and Frost indirectly confirmed it by saying: “Look at Chris over there by Jero!”
So Chris.. I finally found you! More like, you came to me. Now that I have confirmation that this ‘Tinkerer Fox’ is Chris, all I have to is actively join worlds, looking for friends of this person (aka track him down). When I find him, I’ll get to know him and hopefully he’ll friend me, and then we can talk like civilized adults about Jero.
Looking up his name in VRChat.com, I can see another similar name. ‘MasterChris’. I haven’t seen that name since the Best Boi era. It also shows, his Discord name!
On one hand, I’m all “MUHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU ARE MINE!!! You thought Frost could protect you! You thought WRONG!! 😀 He stupidly (indirectly) lead me right. to. YOU! And I didn’t even have to lift a claw! Now, you will feel the wrath of a dragon of a lost
love.. THAT YOU TOOK FROM ME!!!”
On the other hand (that I’m actually going with), I hope to talk to Chris alone about this in a civilized manner (as I just said above). To calmly tell him about me and my happiness with Jero, and to close it out with “please treat Jero with the same love and respect as I did. I wish both of you the best of luck.” And that, will be my way to move on from this. It was the same way I moved on from Wuffer.
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More time passed (got a few pictures) with Wufy being silly and stuff like that, like this picture of me smoking through my nose;
Me on a Friday, after burning several villages to the ground.
Jero then left, Chris left a few minutes later. I decided to leave too, seeing Fluffy was joinable. But I was also feeling quite depressed (while also trying to get DJ to join and talk about what happened).
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A talk with DJ
Was telling Fluffy about what happened, but I also didn’t want to bore him at the same time. I could feel he was going through something as well (of the way he didn’t really react to me). So I tried to get DJ to get in here and tell him about Wufy. He wouldn’t join, so I asked Fluffy to stay put while I go and ask DJ to come with me.
Went to this really.. really..
..WHAT THE FUCK!!! …WOW. Just, WOW. Rolls and rolls of TV’s, all playing the nodding Gandalf scene with the music.
The world is called “VRChat at 5am“. Why.. just why. Whatever, I need to find DJ.. in this sea of endless nodding Gandalf’s. My lord, it made me disoriented, so I was forced to use the very thing I told DJ and Fluffy not to use.. the ‘teleport to player’ button. And DJ got on me about that. Told him I wanted to talk in private. He was with someone else at the time.
Fluffy joins the world.. even though I told him not to. But we’re now in the private world.
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DJ already knows that Wufy’s been hanging with Frost quite a lot. Guess I just saw the proof. He also tells me that Frost feels DJ has ‘spies’ watching their every move, which he never did or even wanted to. The thing with spies was a joke that managed to scare them. Said in Summer of 2020, he might tell Wufy that he’s going to go to America for a
week (as a joke) just to scare Frost even more, claiming he knows where Frost lives.
Anyway, he’s more upset over Wufy than himself, feeling he might do the wrong thing of being with Frost and their group.
…He’s also been worried about me, the way I’ve been acting recently. Told him about Jero and Chris, who he doesn’t know who either of them are. So I gave him a history lesson of what true love should feel like to me (and why Jero didn’t show it). He hugged me, told me that I’ll find someone else out there. Told him about the group, and its current status (how that’s not going to happen).
When I want a lover more than a friend, I have a problem. What the fuck.. happened. Why do I want love so much? Why can I never appreciate friendship?
Oh, I know why, because friends..
-Question my life.
-Tell me I can change it. Even ‘true’ friends do it.
Lovers, accept who I am. They’re OK with what I’ve become and still love me. That’s why. I can’t trust friends, I can only trust lovers. So yeah, it’s a major trust issue.
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And that’s basically it for this segment. DJ said he had things to do (said all he wanted to say to me about Wufy and stuff), and Blue was active.
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A literal ‘group chat’ is needed
Horray, group drama time!!
When I woke up today and checked my phone, Blue told me “Cola ask me that question he ask you…the one about a choice”.
Fuck. Cola doesn’t even know what a ‘poly’ is, and I had to explain it to Blue. But
why? Cola has made it perfectly clear, that he can never express true love. He can give
it, but he can never show it. This is been a thing since he had that anti-love shell over him.
Cola’s trying to tear the group apart; not on purpose mind you, it’s him feeling Blue’s ‘so much better’ (for me) than he is. At first I thought he was joking, but this is becoming serious.
Someone’s going to have to tell him what a ‘true poly’ is. But I’m legitimately scared to say it. I feel he’s going to leave the group, of him ‘being lied to’ and/or ‘feeling used’. Ruffy was wrong to say this is “going to make the group stronger”.. it’s going to tear it apart, because like I said, Cola is the reason why I never wanted it to be a poly.
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I feel the need for a literal ‘group chat’ is now, to discuss the present and future of the group (and how to keep the group from imploding upon itself). Because it’s not on the same foundation as it was founded on… when I don’t feel happy of what has happened.
I liked it better how I had it. But of course none of us want Cola to leave over it.
I cannot foresee what could happen with this, but it’s all going to revolve around Cola.