Happy December 1st. Right now I would be putting my tree up. But my feelings I currently have, drained me from doing so.
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Yesterday was one part “..you didn’t understand me when I told you?!”, one part playing Beat Saber in VRChat (and getting used to standing up while in VR for a change), and one part “wow. Wuffer never, ever said this to me. No one did.”
There’s a fair chance I may no longer have Virtual-Ninja as a BF (and just have the group again). But it isn’t from these feelings, it’s from someone he met. It was a mistake from the start (on his part) anyway. He was doing a me; desperate for love. lmao, it showed when he accepted who I am!
Finally.. the feelings. I feel 2020 could be the year I’ll (hopefully) make some substantial changes in my real life. Feel I have to, even though I was told “don’t ever feel you’re being forced by feelings that might not happen. Do it when you feel confident.”
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But let’s get on with it!!
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Fluffy, I still really love you
Day 2 since Virtual-Ninja became my BF, and again I had to get up at 9am. Luckily this time my mother got her ID updated. 6 year extension. Yet I feel that ID could outlive her. Didn’t really spend much time with Ninja today (in VRChat that is, but I did watching him play more Beat Saber and Blade and Sorcery). Fluffy saw me in Discord and asked what I was doing. I told him, and he was all “uhh.. wait. Did– did you say ‘BF’??”
Yeah? Fluffy, I told you this before. He’s all “I didn’t understand what you were talking about”. ..What?! *sigh*
Explained it to him from the beginning. God damnit I hate repeating myself! So frustrating. I felt at anytime I would be forced to tell Ninja that I ‘have to leave the call to deal with some drama.’
But I said to Fluffy: “Fluffy, no matter what happens, my love for you and the group isn’t going to change. I swear it.” And he realized he was overreacting, saying I was going to be like Aftershock and ‘use him’. Absolutely not! That will never happen! You WILL be loved to the fullest. 🙂 And I even proved it to him (after Ninja went to work) by hanging with him all the way until it was dinnertime.
After dinner is when I was playing Beat Saber in VRChat (while standing up in VR). It feels so much better (when I’m not smacking my fan.. and my computer with the controllers). I feel more in control of my arms (and to somewhat enhance my hand-eye coordination). My favorite song (that I did three times) is Lone Digger on Hard difficulty. That difficulty feels ‘just right’ for me; not too fast, not too slow.
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‘Can’t explain the feeling!!’
It’s been a long, long time since I’ve used witty pop culture references for my blog titles. And this very much explains my feelings.
Hanging out with Shootnsuch again, I decided to invite him to the movie world. The world has been updated, now containing a plethora of classic (and new) Christmas movies! Most are the classic kid favorites (even the original ‘The Grinch That Stole Christmas’ is there)! Hehe. 25 movies for every day until Christmas. 🙂
But we didn’t watch any of those. Instead, we watched ‘Fury’; a movie based off a true story during WWII (when the Germans were using modified tanks). And it really showed the horrors of war.. how German civilians who had no interest in fighting were drafted into the army. We’re talking women and children. It shows just how desperate Germany was to conquer the world during those very dark times.
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During the movie, Ninja let me know that he’s now home from work. Later he calls me. This time I accept the call on my Desktop instead of my phone. What he told me, I never expected. Well, first he told me how the hours are getting longer, and something about he would have to leave at 11am and how it’s going to be getting quite busy most of the
month. So he does more than dishwashing. Apparently he also serves food and stuff like that at his local mall.
Then he tells me “you know, they have jobs for people like you. At least in Canada.” ‘People like me’? What are you on about? He’s diagnosing my stubbornness to change my life as depression, saying he’s dealt with people like me and managed to change their minds.
…Someone else that thinks they can change me. Except, he did it in a much different way. And I never told him that I’m stubborn. No. I know I need to change some aspects of my life. This had to do with driving. He never once mentioned about having a car, or seemed he was trying to push me. Occasionally he said “well remember that you’re in control of your emotions.” And to not be scared of what happened on the bridge.
Finally when I said “I just want a feeling that I can find some way of getting back up there when failing my driving test over and over, as I feel my father will get too annoyed of taking me up there. But only if I can get that thing secured, will I have the courage to try again”, he said how it was “all in your head”.
Not sure how that helps. But one thing that did is him saying “do it when you feel you’re ready”. Mmm.. I just don’t know how much longer I’m allowed to wait ’till I become ready.
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And that is what made me feel “I have to do something, next year.. before my time on this world ends. Not for my parents, but for myself. I have to stop letting this wish of wanting to go out to eat whenever I want, only be a wish. I have to make it into reality.”
Ninja believes I can pull it off. All it takes, is effort and a lot of luck that I’m able to not only find a way up to the DMV to get a driver’s permit, but find someone that isn’t my father (who has a license) that I’m legally allowed to drive until I pass the test and get my own license.
Those are going to be the biggest hurdles for me to jump over (just to start), and I don’t know where I’m even going to start.. unless I ask WildBoy. Though Indiana’s laws could be different than Kentucky’s (and may not legally allow me to do what I want).
!!BONUS SECTION!!
It seems my time with Ninja being my BF, may be coming to a close (and this is a most welcome thing). He was with someone in a public world who couldn’t sleep. But this someone is also a Canadian (and has a dragon sona). Plus the person lives 1-2 hours away from him.
It’s perfect for him! Hopefully the two become more than friends and he lets me go. I’ll be so happy when he does. Though deep down, I know I’m going to miss him (as he reminds me of the fun I had with Wuffer). Except we did things a bit differently.
“He” meaning Ninja and “you” meaning Wuffer.
I was prepared for this. I kept telling myself “I know this isn’t going to work.” And boom I was right. He made a mistake wanting me, and he’s trying to correct it (but is shocked that I’m perfectly OK with it). And it’s all because I have the group to fall back to. Yet.. having someone I could call my own (even when it was very brief) felt nice.
…I made a mistake too, for ‘wanting that title’ again, but I’m forced to face reality.
My mindset of how I take things too literal, my current living conditions, and my age are what turns people away from me. While I could try to fix the first two… my age is something no one but God can control. I could lie about it, but that isn’t the right thing to do.
Having someone find me attractive, is freakin’ impressive. I wish Ruffy, Breezy, and Wufy all had the same luck I did (and it staying into a very happy relationship for years to come), so those three won’t feel alone anymore.
As for myself, with these unfortunate things in place, I have to let go of anyone in the future that finds me attractive, no matter how hard it hurts me. But, maybe Ninja just wasn’t ‘the one’.
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So, I should look on the bright side here– I still have the group (as I said before), and they love me so very much.
And Fluffy, I feel is very much willing to be my BF, for he has stuck with me for 2-3 months now (and fully understands what I’m going through). But there are three problems with him;
-He’s still 17 (until December 22nd).
-He gets easily tired during virtual sex (gets very annoying).
-Has a moderate case of ADHD (doesn’t follow my words clearly).
-…He is not a ‘Jero replacement’, as much as I want him to be.
He needs to work on the bottom three. Claims he’s trying to change. But I know how ‘well’ he changes things in his life (as in it’s not that he won’t, but he can’t as he doesn’t know how), and that’s why he’s always below Blue.
But so is Cola. Even though he’s got a car (yet no job because of his health issues), he refuses to feel true love for someone. So even if Blue and Cola decided to become
lovers, I doubt it would last long over this. And Cola at times tends to annoy me when shit like what happened with him avoiding Blue (and not wanting to tell me the reason) comes up. Hopefully it never happens again, and so far it looks like they talked it over and it’s all cool between the two.
This is why I should drop this stupid ‘feel worried of them leaving me’ from my
mind– their own lives keep them from finding another. It’s like, letting go of three dogs. But.. those dogs come right back to me, looking at me in the face with those innocent puppy eyes like…
“don’t you love us!? We love you!!” … *tears up from thinking about it* God I hate being emotional sometimes.
And usually this happens..
Being licked to death with a huge smile on my face. Hehe. 🙂 I love you all.
The thing is, one of those three, isn’t coming back to me. For that dog is too busy with RL to even come and hi anymore (talking about Red). I feel like he’s ‘ghosting’ me at this point, and I wish he would stop it.
The reason why I have that word in quotes, is I bet if I come up to him (as occasionally I’ve seen him online), he’ll still have feelings for me. I’m going to have to talk to him about this. Even though the group is a poly, I want to know if he’s planning on leaving it. Because I cannot keep feeling this from him. I want answers.