Benie's General Blog

Another day in VRChat, but with a few minor full body issues caused by everyone’s favorite incompetent social game developer (at least that’s what most people said.. instead of putting the ‘blame’ on the fact IKTweaks is a bit borked).
Got to Chapter 4 in that horror map. Explored a bit of Virtual Market 6 with friends. Felt myself getting closer to MIBBIT (but not enough to say he’s my BF… he on the other hand though).
And finally I said something that was driving me insane to someone.
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IKTweaks go “UGH!“
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Today, VRChat wanted more money. So they went for the majority of VR users; the Quest users and made it where people with the Quest can now purchase VRC+.
“So if that’s all they did, how did it break IKTweaks?” you might be asking. Well you know the VRChat Team to insure transparency for any other changes made in a patch. Totally!

Aaaaaaannnd they slightly broke IKTweaks. What do I mean by ‘slightly broke’, you ask? You launch VRChat and notice no red showing in the MelonLoader console. You assume nothing’s broken.
You try a standard calibration of your full body and press both your triggers when you feel lined up to your avatar.. nothing happens– you’re still in a T-Pose. The FUCK?! Now you have to hold down your triggers for two seconds to complete the calibration, instead of it being instant.
Thankfully this is a well known issue by the VRCMG, and hopefully a fix is coming and soon. On top of that, sometimes when going to a new world/instance of a previous
world, it forgets the calibration and your avatar acts like standard VR.
Now I get the frustration a lot of people are saying this is VRChat’s fault. …But they forget the mod is what’s broken, and VRChat has nothing to do with IKTweaks. And the VRCMG wants people to understand this by telling them NOT to go to the VRChat Team about the issue.
That’s why I almost feel like begging the VRCMG to PLEASE fix this ASAP!!
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*sigh* …I asked it. But it was driving me insane!
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Myself, Jero, MIBBIT, and special guest Kat (who wanted to chill with me
unexpectedly as we were about ready to start) were doing the horror map. Wanted to
do Chapter 2 again for Jero since he had to go to bed before, and we got past it. However the run was a bit delayed here and there with Jero having issues with VRChat crashing on him, and MIBBIT becoming (once again) two or so phases higher than the rest of
us, somehow.
We were halfway done with Chapter 3 when Jero crashed again. It was very early for him and he decided to go to bed, saying he needed to “get (his) quota back up” with his delivery job, and needed to get to bed earlier. Kat also went to bed, leaving just myself and MIBBIT.
We were 3/4s done with Chapter 3, trying to solve this really confusing puzzle that took us back to the old Doki Doki High School map.
Jero was messaging me on Discord and I was messaging back, giving him cuddles and stuff. One time MIBBIT saw me and assumed I was getting stressed out over the puzzle. I told him what I was doing and was very happy he cares about me like that.
Went back to my phone and that question started coming to mind again.. to ask him if he met someone else since what happened with us. I kept telling myself no, to not say that. But my willpower wasn’t strong enough and I ended up asking him. …Fuck!! Didn’t wanna look at my phone as he responded to my question, trying desperately to focus on the puzzle, telling myself I’ll read the message before I go to bed. Finally figured it out 10 minutes later as Jero messages me again.
–
MIBBIT goes AFK for a bit, giving me time to check the messages. He says “no”, that he’s content on being single.. but also confuses me of saying that “in real life”, that he has high anxiety.

…So, you actually wanted an IRL relationship with me (instead of a VRChat
relationship) back then? I’m confused, but I’m not going to question it. My original burning question has been answered, so I’m letting that go.
The second thing he said, was him asking the same question to me. I was truthful with
him, but never explained the story about Wolfdog (only that “the longest relationship I had was about a month”).
He hasn’t spoken to me since then. Likely fell asleep or something, or him thinking himself. But it matters not. As long as we remain friends, I’m happy. Besides, I’m starting to warm up to MIBBIT.
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MIBBIT and I are now (unofficially) dating
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He confuses me sometimes. The day before, he once again asks if we should date then says how his social worker said waiting for up to a year is how long it takes to really know if something like this will work (similar to what Kovo told me), and I agreed with him.
And now, he’s acting as if we’re officially a thing and asked me if I’m going to add him on my arm like I did for Wolfdog.
But this is from his own perspective. Mine, is I’m still not ready to fully commit to this. I’m starting to learn a bit more about him, but he needs to learn more about me (and all of my heavy baggage)… then again, I dunno if I really should. Just, give him occasional tidbits about me. Tastes, instead of force feeding the entire main course down his throat. Noone does that in a date.
From what I know about him (so far), he’s kind of like Wolfdog but a bit less
annoying, more caring and compassionate. Sometimes he has no patience and will spoil out what to click on (when it comes to the paintings). There’s this one part in
Chapter 2 I’m still confused how in the hell he figured it out.. and all he did was click random pictures. But, so did Kat. Meh. I just, was hoping to figure out the purpose of the puzzle instead of ‘click random things to win’, because it doesn’t feel satisfying to
me.
The real ‘test’ is to see how he acts outside of VRChat; playing other games. So far, this has been a make or break moment if a relationship lasts or dies. I saw Wolfdog’s true
colors.
Looking at the long list of games MIBBIT has, he’s thankfully not into the truck driving games that Wolfdog’s into (or has GTA5). Infact he has games I’m into, including Factorio and Space Engineers. Interesting. He also has Sea of Thieves. So.. hmmm. Like to see how he is in that game. If he’s bossy, or is a team player. A lot about him would definitely be revealed to me about him (as the same about me if he’s paying attention as I’m gonna be).
See how he handles other players, how he handles emergent skeleton ships.. how he handles the Tall Tales campaign.
Then again, he could be a newbie. He did tell me he has a bunch of games that he bought and never played, including Elite Dangerous. So if that’s the case, then everything hopefully should be great. I’ll teach him what I know.
And if he has Minecraft too, I can show him MCParks. Then maybe we can have that feeling of enjoyment I wanted to see when I was with Wolfdog.
—
Huh.. it’s almost as if I want this to work out, doesn’t it? But again, I’ll see how he is outside of VRChat. If he ‘passes all the tests’ and is better than Wolfdog, then maybe just maybe I might take the next step. Again though, too early to tell.
Though I do need to remind him that we’re still “just friends”. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.
I consider this ‘a trial version’ of a relationship with MIBBIT. Only thing that worries me is Wolfdog or one of his friends sees this and tells Brayden, and Brayden comes after me pissed off that I “wouldn’t do this for Wolfdog”. I don’t think it’ll happen, but.. I just feel Wolf still has a scar on his heart, feeling he was ‘being used’ and I ‘never really loved him’. Both are untrue, by the way. And that scar might rip itself open if he sees us together.
Aka.. similar to what DJ told me when we were a thing. I’d be DJ, though hopefully it won’t be as bad as what he’s gone through.

Didn’t expect for so much to happen in one night. Thought I was just going to be alone on my new server, but now I’ve met friends and.. then some.
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“I am on Vrchat” -Kovo
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As I said, I expected to just relax on my server and work on my base. Except I was more annoyed at Bisect for them not having a way to tell my (non-existent) members that the server world backup is done (like the MRT Server does it). They put the blame on the server mod called ‘Multicraft‘ that controls what the server does, and tell me to contact the creator of the mod and ask why I can’t do this in my server.
Plus when I asked in the Enigmatica discord if there’s a mod that interferes with the server doing world backups, I had two people squabble over it. Not gonna lie, was really funny watching these two argue trying to answer my question truthfully– one saying no, the other saying yes and the addon mod ‘ftbbackups’ is the culprit. Reminds me of the scene from Borderlands The Pre-Sequel with the two Claptraps arguing what’s a better way to send your enemy a message.
At the end, the one that said ‘no’ was the winner. But it matters not when I’m still the loser here, not having anything to say ingame: “Server world backup complete!”
But, whatever. It is what it is. I’ll work around it, changing the Admin Say command around if I need to.
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So, getting to current events (sorry about all of that by the way), Kovo messages me in Telegram saying “I am on Vrchat”. Seeing I had nothing really to do (but also remembering there was a VRChat update a few days ago they pushed), I did the standard thing I do; run the game in Desktop mode and wait for MelonLoader to do its thing, while I also went to use the bathroom. Was about a minute later, I heard the familiar VRChat chime sound.
“Holy fuck, that was quick!” I said as I was coming back to my room. Normally it takes MelonLoader 3-5 minutes to set everything up after an update. Must’ve just been a patch and the devs felt it didn’t need a complete Assembly rebuild. Nice.
With that done, I strapped on my trackers and got in VR. Joined Kovo’s “Hmmm” world where everyone was. Saw the usual people there, including MIBBIT. Odd to find him
here, but also not surprising as Sparky’s also here.
MIBBIT came over to me and told me how he slept with his GF for two nights, but then when his parents found out.. he was forced to break up with her. I wanted to cuddle him so hard. Damn that sucks, man! Told me he was crying for a week after that, and got a bit drunk.
Then he turns his attention to someone, I don’t see. He starts to pronounce his
name as “Jeremeeh?” “Jeromeeah?” (having trouble pronouncing it) …immediately I knew who he was talking to. Then I started thinking, remembering he actually responded to me in #tech-talk with a nice response. It took awhile until I thought to myself “Hmm I’ll try to unblock him, but he might still have me blocked”. So I did, and showing his avatar. I stared at him for a bit, remembering what he said to me in the past. Remembering what he told Kovo.
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That cute British chuckle I’ve missed
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I waited for the right moment to test if he still has me blocked. That moment came sometime later when MIBBIT moved away to talk to Kovo. I reached over and booped Jero’s nose. He didn’t react, so I assumed he still had me blocked. Then suddenly he turns around, sees me and waves. I wave back with a half smile. And then, I heard him speak.
“Can we be friends again?” he asks me. My smile widened and I nodded, rubbing his head. I said “it’s time to bury the hatchet”.
He looked up and me and said “I’m sorry for everything”. I said “I’m sorry too, for everything I said and did”. So wow, that happened. I’m friends with Jero again. And hearing him say he’s sorry for not being more communicative, for the cheating, and for the argument we had of him wanting to know the identity of Larry, I wanted to apologize for being controlling. We snuggled for the longest time, as if we were a thing again. Hearing that cute British chuckle again, warmed my heart. So much I said “I really missed that voice of yours”. It almost sounded he was about ready to cry when he said “I missed you too, so much”. It was so adorable.
It brings back that feeling in mid-January 2019, where he was as worried meeting me as I was of him.
Even as friends, we’re still inseparable. And he still has that charm over me that makes him so irresistible that I love about him. I also learned just how ticklish he is. Was funny hearing him laugh almost uncontrollably (even when I wasn’t intentionally trying to tickle him).
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And, he still has that thing where he refuses to go to bed when he says he will. Ohh Jero. Never change those aspects about you. Him wanting to be with me, and with his other friends was so adorable. And one time I ‘threatened’ to tickle him to death until he went to bed, and actually did. Hehehe.
Though there’s one thing I didn’t ask. Half of me feels I should had, the other half
said “no”. And I’m glad I listened to my common sense (for once). I wanted to ask
him “so, Jero… did you find a new BF?”
Nah. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea that I want to try this a 3rd time. Absolutely not, after what I went through that second time. I don’t want to ever get in that position again. Unless, he proves to me he’s willing to make changes, to be fully transparent with
me– to have learned from his mistakes in the past (as have I).
Right now, I’m just going to appreciate being good friends with him again. He’s happy about that, and so am I. 🙂
I also refriended him in Discord. Happy about that. Happy to finally move away from that mess that caused us to break up. I already have my answers of what I did wrong (from Larry), so I don’t need to ask him.
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“So are we dating now?” –An obvious desperate MIBBIT
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After Jero left the ‘night’ (was past 6am for him), MIBBIT was next to me in a Wickerbeast avatar, licking me. I licked him back a bit and he’s telling me how hard he’s getting from this. Kovo heard this and started doing his Kovo thing.. embarrassing me infront of my friends. “..WHAT?! Benie’s over there getting people hard! Good job Benie!!”
…OMG Kovo!! 😖
I swore him and Nova were both delibertly trying to listen on me sounding a bit lewdy to MIBBIT, just to hear a hilarious reaction out of me. To be fair, it is karma for all the Kovo Quotes. I couldn’t even ask if he wanted to go to a private world, without those two making my face redder than my avatar. But, we went. And I can almost hear Kovo saying (in my head) “Welp, there they go! Benie’s making that sweet love!” *facepalm*
As we were making out, he said something that shocked me. “I had a crush on you”. Woah! I was beside myself, but all that came to my head was “Awwww. That’s sweet!” That’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone open up to me like that.
Then he asks me “so are we a thing now? It can be a VRChat relationship”. I cleared my throat and said “well, friends with benefits”. Heh. I barely know you, and you want to be my BF? With the whole thing of Wolfdog still fresh in my mind, I finally used my right to say “no” (for the first time).
He accepted it, then we ‘got down to business’. Afterwards, he asks again: “so are we dating now?” Mmm. MIBBIT, I get it. You’re still hurting after your breakup. I get you. And as much as I find the fact you had a crush on me, extremely adorable… I don’t feel ready. I’m not going to make the same mistake I did when it came to Wolfdog. Told myself I wouldn’t, and I’m sticking to it. I still feel bad for breaking Wolf’s heart, the way I did.
So I told him “well, I’d like it to be friends with benefits. We need to really know eachother a bit more before I feel ready for that.” He fully understood, and I’m grateful for that. He also tells me… something I won’t repeat in here (a bit too NSFW). All I’m going to say it’s something he has ‘held on to’ for 2-3 months, that he finally ‘let it go’ and feels really happy to be with me after doing so.
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Infact, so happy when we got back to Kovo’s world, he started defending me and himself from anyone who would want to do things to him. “Benie’s mine” and “Benie’s the only one that has the key down there” (as if he was seriously saying he’s my BF). And it seems he fully understands how a closed relationship works. But I can only assume he said this to scare off certain people, as he never said “I love you” to me (nor did I say it back). And my assumption was right on par.
He’s sweet, he’s friendly, he’s loving, he’s in the same timezone I’m in (but in Canada), he’s younger than Wolfdog (even younger than Jero) at 30 years old.. but that’s all I know about him. Plus, thinking about Jero as well. Incase he just might decide to try a relationship with me for a 3rd time (I dunno if he will or won’t, but I’m not going to say anything to him about that. I’m just going to watch and pay attention to how he
acts).
Wanna keep my options open here. I got;
-TJ the submissive femboy (in Discord).
-MIBBIT the switch (the newest).
-Jero the adorable British snuggly boyo (now my friend again).
-and.. Novice the warm and inviting green teddy bear (aka Mr “Yeeeee”).
Anything could happen. Whatever does, hopefully isn’t going to explode horribly in my face. The only way to prevent that, is friends only. Until.. heheh.. one of them ‘rises up the ranks’ and ‘defeats the weaker ones’ to win my heart.
“4 friends with benefits!! One me! WHO will win my heart and be my BF!?” ..lol
Honestly… I hope it’s Jero. The only one that truly loved me (I still believe that). To have him undo everything that caused doubts in the past two relationships– to improve himself, just to love me. That would be really awesome and sweet. 😊
Maybe I should look at this as a new ‘group’ (without it actually being one).

.
Before I close this out, I nearly had a mini heart attack when I saw.. Brayden, in the world. Thankfully, I wasn’t his target– Orion was, who was not happy when asked to be spoken to in private. I could feel the sweat dripping off my brow as I saw the two running off to have their conversation….. remembering what he put me through.
During their conversation, Kovo was confused why he had Brayden blocked. “I don’t block anyone unless I have a reason” he said. I.. wanted to say “because he scares the FUCK out of people!!” But I didn’t, as Jero and MIBBIT wouldn’t understand.
A few hours passed and they came back. Brayden wanted Kovo to unblock him, and Orion tried his best to tell Kovo how to unblock. Kovo went through hell, saying why it’s so hard to do it. ..Um, not for me. And I’m pretty sure most people know how the system works by now.
Brayden also asked me how I was doing. Said I was doing alright (and that’s all I said). I didn’t want to say “I’m doing alright, now please stop talking in my direction as you scare the fuck out of me” for.. good reasons.

Nothing like feeling what it’s like to be a man then to say “I’m sorry Wolfdog, you’re right. I’m wrong. Keep the money. ..Your big brother is scarier than my big brother!”
…More like looking like a total loser. But I’m used to making a fool of myself, right? RIGHT?! I’m used to not using my fucking brain.
I truly have no hope in my future. Why am I still alive, when not using the gray matter in my head is going to end up killing me by the receiving end of some robber or rapist? Why was I born with my mother’s stupidity?!

*sighs* Right right. I’m not explaining what happened. Brayden, happened. My.. fears Wolfdog was going to pull what Chris did to Jero, happened.
Basically I was trying to see who was on in VRChat, see if I could talk to some of Wolf’s friends and see if he had already talked to them about me. And, I honestly shouldn’t had. But I felt if he did, then I could convince them with my side of the story and they would see the truth. At least, that was the idea.
Saw Brayden on and went to him. He was dealing with some personal drama in another world and decided to let him and the friend he was with at the time, be. Until I had a chance to talk to him. My window opened eventually when the friend left. Went over to Brayden and asked a bit later “notice something missing from my arm?”
He said “yes”. So I said “well, I’m just here to ask if Wolfdog said anything to you”. Said no. So that’s all I wanted to know and I was getting ready to leave… except I forgot who Brayden was. He was the muscle behind DJ, when it came to that hacker.
He wanted to know what was going on. And..I made the mistake telling him about the whole money thing. Then he says “welp, you got me involved. I’m going to be moderator and bring Wolfdog into a call, and we’re going to discuss this”…I started to sweat from nervousness in my headset (from having to face Wolf over this), then said “this has already been discussed by us. It’s OK. You don’t need to do anything.”
“So why did you tell me? Why did you get me involved?” he asks. “I didn’t want to get you involved at all. I was just worried what Wolf was going to do.”
“I don’t listen to one-sided conversations” he said.
And that’s fine, good sir. Now, I’ll be on my way… no. He went on and did the call and I was forced to hear Wolfdog’s conversation to Brayden, through his mic. He literally forced us to talk about this, when I had already told him “this was already discussed”.
It was excruciatingly painful ..and shameful, to listen to. Not to mention hearing my own voice through his mic (while I’m trying to explain my side of the story) made it even worse. And after the discussion between us was over, he looked at me in a very shameful manner. Told me how stupid this conversation is in his opinion, over money.
“You two need to calm down and fix this” he said. We already have worked out a deal here. You don’t need to get involved, Brayden! FFS. Let me handle this!
“You handled it wrongly” he said. “You should had come to me. Your friendship is in trouble and you’re too blind to see it.”
“There is no friendship anymore” I said. “Did you not just hear Wolfdog? He’s not going to block you” he said. And one time he told me Wolfdog “would take a bullet to care for someone. I know him. I know he wouldn’t be doing what you told me.”
I said “the relationship was flawed from the start. He rushed it”. Brayden blamed me for it. Saying “you should had said ‘no’. Are you telling me you’re incapable of saying ‘no’?”
That. fucking. hurt. Not to mention it brought back those painful (but
preventable) memories of Grok. I wanted to get the fuck out of there and die in a hole, and he wouldn’t let me leave. I yelled “I DON’T WANT TO DISCUSS THIS ANYMORE!!” Wouldn’t let me leave. Just kept jabbing me. It was like my common sense had taken a physical form and was bitch slapping me, trying to tell me to wake the fuck up before my stupidity of not using my words to control a situation like that ends up fucking killing myself in the future.
I calmed down somewhat and just told him about wanting the money and that was it. He said “money money money. That’s why you’re a dragon. You’re greedy. You don’t care about the friendship. You only care about the money.”

A saving grace showed up in the form of a friend of his, where he changed the topic. I followed them as he showed us a tour of the world I arrived in.. while at the same time feeling as if something was forcefully ripped out of my body.. leaving an empty husk of constant dread that Brayden will say something else about this. Or worse.
I still haven’t recovered as I write this. But, what Brayden said about the money made me realize.. he was right. And hopefully I can still save this by saying I don’t want the $200 anymore.
And that’s what I did.. or tried to do. Messaged Wolfdog….. begging him not to tell Brayden about this, that this would just between him and myself. Told him I don’t want the money anymore, that I gave it to him as I knew he needed it and would just leave it like that.
I also wanted him to know that I was sorry for all of this shit that happened, and wanted to take full responsibility for it. Just hoping and praying we could walk away from this. But if he wants to block me, then so be it. I’m just trying to let go of my guilty conscience here.
Still waiting for a response, even if it’s in the form of “ok”. I just want this matter over
with, so I personally can move on. But it’s like he’s refusing to give me that feeling of satisfaction, staying offline.

.
I have noone to turn to, nor do I deserve anyone or go to anyone about this. I am on my own.
…What can they fucking do anyway? They’d be agreeing with Brayden and Wolfdog, not me. But the real problem is this doesn’t just affect me in VRChat.. it affects me IRL too. If I’m not willing to use my words, I’m going to continue to be taken advantage. And one time it just might be… fatal.
I just don’t understand, why I didn’t before. Why I didn’t use common sense. ..Why do I let people walk all over me? So many “why”‘s, and no real action as to prevent it from happening again.
When will my common sense actually fucking kick in? I don’t have the answer to that. They say to focus on yourself before you focus on a relationship. Can’t even do that.
So why am I even alive right now? Why God.. WHY?! WHAT are you trying to show me is my purpose of being alive?! You seriously think I’m capable of change?! You might as well pull the plug then.
If only, had I been more open to him. If only, had I not been so butthurt over jokes. Could had saved this relationship. All I can say is, I will try.. try to actually use my damn brain if this happens again (to actually say ‘no’ if I don’t feel comfortable with something). This has happened way too many times. It needs to stop.
…But will I actually stop it? Only time will tell. But remember how long it took until I started asking for age. It’ll take time, but it’ll sink in.. eventually.

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So glad I still have Novice 😊
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Another day of depression since my breakup with Wolfdog. He has been playing VRChat pretty much all day and never once asked me to join him (or him to join me).
I half expected to get something from him, since we’re still friends you know? Just for him to show there’s no hard feelings. But nothing.
Instead I went to go see Toucan, someone I haven’t really visited since I was dating Wolf. I just had this fear of seeing certain people, that Wolf would see this as a form
of ‘cheating’ or not spending enough time with him. It’s stupid, I know. But I just couldn’t shake it off.
But anyway, seeing Toucan with others I felt shy of going over there. One of his friends came over and tried to encourage me to join them. This is when I saw Blender joining the instance and I immediately began to suspect “Blender’s spying for Wolfdog to keep an eye on me. He likely knows by now we’re no longer a thing.” …Then again, Blender hates drama as much as I do. So why would he?
Still, did my best to keep an eye on him. Little did I know as I went around, he was literally were I was before. Didn’t seem at all interested in spying. I also discovered him and Toucan know eachother. He also knows ‘Master_Man’, one of Toucan’s best friends who was also there.
–
Anyway, the only reason Blender showed up was to say hi and that he was going to bed. I wanted to ask him if he knows that Wolf and I broke up but I never got a chance.
I walked around this world by myself, feeling a bit lonely. As prepared as you can make yourself, a recent breakup still hurts. Toucan found me later and I decided to just enjoy hanging with him.
Then Novice joined. Debated on asking to join him, but did it anyway. And he surprisingly accepted it.
Felt a bit ashamed of asking for an invite and went over to the far bedroom. Looked out the window. I turned around and didn’t see him. I turned around the other direction and there he was staring at me with that silly smile on his face, and booping me.
I felt so relaxed after that, and said “I’m in need of a cuddle buddy”. He happily accepted my request and we talked for a bit about things going on in his life. Then he got on full body.
Laying down with him, I told him all about my failed relationship with Wolfdog. He fully understood the story and cuddled me more. Then I told him “I so miss doing this. Ever since the relationship I felt I would never be able to do this anymore”. Because Wolfdog never really cuddled me (when he was in VR). I wanted to cuddle with him just like Novice does (even without him having full body). But he never did. All we did was snuggle with our noses, him licking me and grabbing my crotch, but that was it. Jero did so much
more.
Laying with Novice, and hearing his really cute, relaxing “Yeeee..”‘s… man do I miss this! If only we were a thing instead of just friends with benefits. But, I’m alright with it. As I said before, I’m content.
Then he wanted to do it. And it was so great. You just don’t feel that pleasure when the other is also a top. I tried so hard to not say “I love you”. Because he just makes me so happy. …If only I had this level of happiness with Wolfdog. 🙁 But when you’re both tops it’s never really going to work out (at least, IMO). I tried.. but it just isn’t the same when the other’s either a switch or a bottom. Plus.. I can’t shake off when I sucked Wolfdog’s cock (yet he wouldn’t do the same for me). The fuck.
–
Moving on, we watched some videos that we enjoyed together (and never once he ask
me “did you like it like I did?”) See how much better that is, Wolfdog? It makes myself and Novice very close friends.. not myself wanting to find ways to getting away from you.
Then he went to bed, and the rest is history (other than Vale wanting me to join him to tell me tales from what he’s gone through as a member of the U.S. Marines).

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Wolfdog shows his (real) true colors, gets Kovo PISSED..
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So this happened today! ..And what fun times it was.

I was considering on making this blog post (mostly about Novice) and also preparing to respond to Kovo’s response of how I felt my over-preparedness caused me to forget why I was even in a relationship.
Surprisingly, Wolfdog messages me for the first time since the breakup. Starts off as a civilized conversation, then changes to “oh was wondering when you would be able to pay me back for minecraft” Just flat out says that.
I never asked him “why do you need the money? You told me you weren’t going to hurt with it.” Never thought about it. I was too shocked to think that. So I thought “he’s likely still pissed we broke up, so he wants the money… even though I could’ve sworn he
said “don’t worry about it, I know how it is”. But I paid it in full, then I told Kovo about it. Started to feel “I should be asking him for the $200 back then.”
So I did, reminding him first about the game. Says “I never said that”… can’t stop
lying, can you? Look, let’s make out a deal here. Since you can’t afford to pay back the $200 right now,
He refused to even go there, fighting me. Trying to make it look like he’s innocent and assuming we’re still talking about the game being a gift. I sent everything to Kovo, who told me I had the right to say what I said. Because, this is a fair deal.
Kovo took over the argument, and could see the proof about the attitude Wolf has. He was really starting to get annoyed at Wolf. And one time Wolf fucking lies right to Kovo’s
face, about “I have a small bill I need to pay” …Why didn’t he tell me about this? Why did he say that to Kovo instead? …What a load of BULLSHIT. Dude, you’re just digging the hole deeper for yourself.
I told you before I was willing to make a deal, and you won’t even do that.
At the end, Wolfdog finally conceded to Kovo and promised he’ll pay it back, but also
said “I’m unfriending Benie”. ..Ohh no, I’m gonna cry! …More like laugh my head off. But it also isn’t funny at the same time. It’s sad. This is sad. 39 year old being an ungrateful piece of shit.
“It would be funny, if it weren’t.. so sad.”
–
Kovo then had a discussion with me, saying the fact I have full body is likely why Wolfdog wanted to be my BF (because he knows I have money). But… I dunno. I don’t think so. He never asked me for money. Though he also never said “I’ll find some way to pay it back”. I mean, remember what I said in this post? How I feel I “fucked up” after I gave him that money? Boy.. do I now.
I just hope he does pay it back. All of it. Because, he wants to pull this shit how all the sudden he wants me to pay him for Minecraft.. and doesn’t expect me to do the same? Both things are ‘a gift’, Wolfdog. And just like Twitch, you can ask for your donation back and they have to do so (if you have a good enough reason). Though they might not be able to do it right away, they still will with time.

I still wonder why Wolf never told me about this bill. That would had made some sense why he suddenly wanted me to pay back the money (for him to pay the bill). But still, that wouldn’t had even been my fault he wasn’t paying attention to his finances. I asked him before this happened, to make sure it wasn’t going to fuck him over. Not my fault.
Still doesn’t make sense why he never told me. He could had said “look, I needed the money to pay a surprise bill off I didn’t see before. So why do you feel you’re owed this $200?”
That would had likely changed the conversation to where he was in the right. ..But the fact he didn’t, makes him look bad. Lying. sack. of shit you are, Wolfdog. And now I have Kovo big brother to protect me.

.
I hope I just get the money and that’s it. I won’t have to deal with his friends. He’ll likely block me after it. But.. *shrug* Whatever. Shouldn’t had just flat out asked me for payment of that game, and then lying to me saying “I never said don’t worry about it”.
SICK of your lies, Wolfdog.
You fail to understand, the game and the $200 are both seen as ‘gifts’. And since you went this route, you don’t expect me to do the same? ..Really? Fair’s fair. Is that not right?
You started all of this Wolfdog. I just wanted to be friends. Yet you pull a Fluffy on
me.
..Never again. I’m staying single. The only exception, is if Novice considers dating me again. Dunno if that’ll ever happen, and honestly I don’t really care if it never does. I’m still happy with him as very close friends. 🙂 That’s never going to change (as long as he’s happy to be my cuddle buddy).

What a crazy Saturday it’s been. Starts from playing Minecraft with Kovo, to Wolf wanting to just be friends. And boy oh boy the drama.
And like before, I have learned from this experience. I have learned so, so much. But at least I’m thankful me and Wolf are still friends. And really, this is what should’ve happened after the DJ shitshow. This, was all on him. He rushed it, all because of wanting to make me happy and him being 5 years younger than me.
So how this shitshow (of a day) happened, as I said in Minecraft. Kovo was confused why I wasn’t with Wolf in VRChat, so I told him the reason; Unity 2019 almost breaking every mod maintained by the VRCMG. And while they’re slowly being updated, I’m still waiting for a few critical mods to be updated before I get back on VRChat.
Anyway, Kovo introduced me to a server him and Nova (and others) have been in. It’s quite old (2-3 years old to be exact). But he wanted to build me a place to live and thought of a dragon cave. I thought “ehh, why not. Even though I only build one when I play Modded Minecraft.”
Found a place and he got to work, while I got Vivecraft installed and got in VR.
Talked to him about certain things. Dunno how but the conversation went to Wolfdog and I started explaining what’s going on between us. He actually seemed to understand
me (instead of being against me with that whole “you’re gonna lose him if you don’t change!”).
Although he doesn’t know Wolfdog that well to really be able to give me solid advice, he has seen Wolf might be going back on his word. However, not in a cheating way.. but in
a “he’s still into an open relationship” way.
Have noticed Wolf’s been super active in VRChat lately, and never once asking me if I’d like to join him. Find that very odd. Just yesterday he hardly talked to me in Discord.
Later on Wolf messaged me and said: “I’m going to play some other game. Would you like to join me?” I said I was playing Minecraft with Kovo and he can join us. And he said “give me a few”.
Let’s just say it was longer than ‘a few’. He just kept playing VRChat for the longest time.
It was getting close to 5am by the time he finally decided to show up. I walked him to the cave Kovo did for me and I still remember him commenting on living in a mountain. He seemed very.. “pfft”. Like he didn’t even appreciate the effort Kovo did for me.
Plus he seemed to want to do his own thing instead of stay with me. Though I think it’s mainly of him.. once again falling asleep infront of his computer and then saying he wasn’t. *sighs deeply* I don’t understand why he feels he must lie as if he’s hiding something, over something so trivial as going to bed. And one time he even died to a zombie. I tried to help him, but I couldn’t find him.

And then to put the icing on the cake, it was getting close to 6am. Kovo says he’s going to bed and then Wolf is all “Benie should also be going to bed”.. hun, I stayed up to be with you. And I told him this. I had to tell him a second time just to get a reaction out of
him. He also said “I would had joined sooner, but I had friends who wouldn’t let me go. You know how that’s like!”.. no, no I don’t. Because only rarely does that happen to me. And usually they listen. …Stop. lying. to me. Wolfdog.
But I did go to bed, then told Kovo in Telegram “so you see the proof there”.
I just wonder if Kovo’s saying “don’t dump him just yet. I’ll watch him for you”. Though he did say Wolf and I should talk about it and stuff. But I told him “I’m just worried Jero’s gonna be right, that I control people by complete accident. Asking him to change is the same thing as trying to control him, because I’m not happy how this relationship is going.”

===
The morning and afternoon came. Not much to speak about other than checking my phone and getting a message from Kat that she did indeed.. find a free grocery bag model. ..Oh my GOD you madlad! You remembered! But, a promise is a promise. And I promised her I’d put grocery bags on my horns. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s a running gag between Kat and myself (of her saying “I needed you to carry my groceries” (referring to my avatar’s horns)).
If I was good at Blender, I would be adding things to the grocery bags and then writing on the side “Kat’s Grocery”. ..Oh lord. lol
–
Done digressing. About 4 in the afternoon I felt, I had enough. I have to tell Wolfdog how I feel about him, right here and right now. If the relationship ends over this, so be it. I was ready. Sent him the blog post I typed yesterday.
And he was upset over me not telling him sooner (and using that blog post instead of talking about it directly). And when I tried explaining “because I don’t like offending people”, he didn’t once say “ohh hun.., you don’t need to worry about that”. Nothing at all. He was being very direct, very.. stern. Look I get you’re pissed off, but do you not see what I’m going through? Do you not see why I did this?
No. All he said was “I feel there’s trust issues”. Yeah there is.. your attitude. And he lies again saying “I have no attitude”. ..You’re crazy. Where’s the compassion if you have no attitude!? But instead of saying that to him, I said with what I said in the post with the whole “I judge people by the tone of their voice if they’re annoyed or not with me”. I personally see this as a ‘defense system’ (but I forgot to tell him that). And his opinion is he doesn’t feel that’s right.
I soon started feeling “you know.. you’re right Wolfdog. I shouldn’t had kept this from you for so long. I promise not to do that again.” Again no compassion. No “ohh hun..” moment. The only thing I felt, was him saying (in my mind): “you better not, or I will break up with you”.
—
Went back to Kovo, talking about it. Yes I know I’m going behind Wolfdog’s back here when I just said I wouldn’t. It’s just.. the way he types. The way he speaks. It just feels there’s always an attitude against the way I say and do things (like I’m always being judged). I just can’t shake it off. I dunno why, or how. I’m not trying to delibertly cause drama here. I want to love him. Hold him. Only focus on being with him. But this thing of not feeling comfortable of talking to him (over feeling he has an attitude when he swears he doesn’t) is going to kill this relationship.
A bit later (nearing the time where I walk up to Waffle House), I freely opened myself to Wolfdog explaining the whole thing that happened last night. I expected not much to come out of it (with just “thank you for bringing this to my attention”).
Instead, he said.. “ok”. “ok”?? You know hun, that doesn’t feel like a satisfying answer to me (and I said this, again speaking my mind. Just like he wanted). He asks “what gave you the impression I felt ashamed of what Kovo built?” …and I didn’t know how to answer that. Mainly because, I forgot what was said word for word. So I tried explaining what I could remember, and he said “I didn’t say that”.
At this same time, he wanted to speak to Kovo.  I’m now coming home, feeling really ashamed of myself for not providing ANY evidence to back up my claim. And the more I thought about it, the more shameful I felt. I just tried to accuse him of something that honestly wasn’t that big of a deal.
Got home and all I wanted to do was tell him “…let’s just move on from this embarrassment”. Instead he ‘decides to take a break from Discord’. I was speechless. I felt nothing. I felt “welp, that’s it. It’s over. There’s no way I’m going to be able to save it.” Kovo kept sending me chat logs of their conversation, and I just felt more humiliated at myself being too nervous to read them. Here I prepared myself incase the relationship would falter. …But I was never prepared for this scenario to happen.
Calmed down somewhat when I felt I said what I wanted to, and decided to read the messages Kovo sent. …My jaw hit the floor of what I saw, and then I started to laugh a bit. So.. so.. he’s getting pissed off at me for “pulling the same shit again” of telling him something that happened last night. Something I forgot to tell him when we spoke
before, he’s getting pissed off. So tell me, dear readers.. he doesn’t have an attitude. And here I thought it was the way I ‘presented’ my case.

He wanted to talk to Kovo when he felt better, and he was doing his usual thing with him saying he’ll be there “in a few”.. yet he was playing Elite: Dangerous and not wanting to put the game down in order to talk. For someone who really wants things to work, he sure doesn’t seem anxious to do so, huh?
Got to a point Kovo’s getting pissed (but telling me about it) that Wolf is keeping him from his friends. Said he promised to play Phasmophobia with Sparky and now Wolf is eating that time away. So yeah, you’re pissing off the wrong people, Wolf.
I decide to join them, just wanting to get my mind off of what’s going on. But I couldn’t shake it off.. especially the IRONY going on here. Wolf’s doing the same. damn. thing he got upset at me about– he’s not wanting to come to me, to discuss this. He wants to go to Kovo instead. I’m choking on irony here.
Except in my defense of this, Wolfdog doesn’t understand Kovo protects his friends. But anyway, Kovo, Sparky and I had good fun and we managed to tag and bag the ghosts. Never died. Came close a few times, but we never even got hunted.

Then Wolfdog messages me…
Says he just wants to be friends. He also claims it was “a hard choice”. I told him “I think it’s for the best honestly. As I said, I felt this was going nowhere.” Never said “this is the way it should had been after what happened with DJ. We just weren’t meant to be a thing honestly.” I wanted to, but I chose to leave that out. It likely would had caused more drama and likely even our (reinstated) friendship.

.
I’m glad it ended in a peaceful, mutual way. It could had been worse. And I’m not even sure if I’m going to have to deal with his friends who (might then again might not) feel
I “hurt Wolfdog’s feelings”.
Plus, actually glad I’m single again (for the first time ever). As I said before, I felt that feeling I once felt of ‘being tied down’. I dunno how my desire for love just suddenly went in reverse, but I think dealing with Jero and the.. crushing reality of when Novice dumped me, really made me realize where I’ve been fucking up with my relationships.
And that last “hoo rah” (of wanting someone in my life) was DJTheDutchi. You know how that went. And since then, I believe that’s what really killed my desire for a relationship.
I’m pretty sure Wolfdog will have a lot to think about as well. Likely never wanting to ever get into another closed relationship. Hell, maybe him and Blender might get back together. That would be awesome. 🙂
And lookie there. Most of the mods I use have been updated! Only took 2-3 days.
Now to just wait for mods to get updated, so I can switch back to the secret project (and remove the ‘WolfdogWorks’ project). And this time, I will no longer have ‘her’ on my horn anymore (to avoid being questioned, as it was really starting to feel cringy).