Benie's General Blog

Half General blog, half Games blog. All filled with me barely able to handle it. And this time, my BF doesn’t really have my back. And that is what scares me this game is going to kill our relationship.
Well, it’s more on the lines of.. guess what? Yep.. my ‘favorite’ thing to do when trying to deal with a game I half like half don’t; whine about it like a spoiled kid. But as of now I’m going to stop doing that. There’s no point anymore to whine to him. Never was really. That’s just asking for him to leave me. I don’t want that.
So to the ones who don’t play this game or don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ll explain the game from my perspective. So basically, the game takes place during the prime of piracy in the Caribbean. Think of Assassin’s Creed Black Flag, but with a more ‘toon’ look and of course less stabbing with a hidden blade (and running on rooftops).
You’re pretty much given a ship and, the rest is up to you. You can ready your voyage by grabbing goods from barrels and taking them to your ship (where they go in specific barrels under deck).
You can also do quests from the three traders, such as ‘go to island, go to X on the
map, dig up treasure, come back alive to sell it’, or ‘hunt skeleton captains or sink skeleton ships’. And finally ‘deliver X on time and in good quality’ (aka running as a merchant).
But beware.. for the seas aren’t friendly. You got spirit or skeleton ships. You got a giant fish that can do a lot of damage to your ship.. and then you got the worst of all– actual players as pirates. Yes.. REAL players. Not AI. Actual people.
And holy fuck the things you gotta keep in mind to lower your risk of dealing with hostile players, I could write a small novel on why I do not like this game. Yet it’s like all of that gets thrown overboard when the real thing happens.
–
Before Kovo started playing with us, I didn’t think much about other players. Hell I didn’t even think any were around, that it was occasionally a few AI ships to make the sea feel alive.
That was until one encounter I had after my first solo adventure. I call this ‘The Mysterious Ashen Key’. I was on my way to gather my 3rd chest when I saw something catching my eye on the island I needed to go that was shining. Dealt with a few enemies I’ve never seen before (that use actual tactics, such as flanking you behind cover).
One enemy dropped this strange thing called an ‘Ashen Key’. I was sharing my screen with Wolfdog at the time, and we were both confused on what this thing is. Could it be to open a special chest on the island? Having not found anything (and realizing you can’t switch to your weapons while holding something in your hand), I put the key down and found the third treasure. Put the key onboard my ship and then made my way to an outpost. How strange the game listed it as treasure, so I thought “I wonder if I can sell it”.
Got back to the shore and sold my treasure, but none of the traders wanted the
key. Decided to look it up. As I was looking, I heard voices around me. I thought they were coming from Wolfdog’s roommates.. but it was actual players running around.
I freaked out and told Wolf “I thought this instance was closed”. He told me to try a new one, so I made sure everything was set correctly.
–
When I got back, I lost the key. Makes sense, so it didn’t bother me. The only thing that did was seeing other players that I assumed I was in a private session.
I’m gathering materials again, and then I see what I assumed was an AI ship heading towards the island. It kept coming, closer and closer until it rammed into the island. The FUCK?! Wolfdog and I both started laughing.. then I stopped when I saw actual players getting out of the ship. …Uhhh. I set it as a ‘closed crew’! So WHAT is going on here?! I should not be seeing players!
…Sadly, that’s the game– there is no way to turn off seeing other players. I uninstalled after that, feeling “yeah, this is clearly not the game for me”. But I decided to give it another chance because I enjoyed the ship mechanics, the way the ship rocks in heavy sea and how realistic of a turning radius it is for a ship of that size. It’s wild.
And now Kovo’s here, putting fear incarnate in my head of all the things you gotta do (at the same time) that can either make you look like a n00b or a pro to other players.
===
-Turn off all the lanterns in the ship (so other players cannot see you in the dark).
-Have your cannons pointed to the sky to show you’re friendly.
-Make sure all the ship’s sails are faced into the wind (to show to players there’s more than one person on the ship and that you all are experienced).
-Don’t use the spyglass or sniper rifles, as other players can see the shine from the lens.
-Don’t use powder-type weapons as players can hear them.
-Always check the horizon for any ships.
This is only a rough draft of all the things he told me to be mindful of. ..And you gotta do this AT ALL TIMES. It’s fucking ridiculous!!!
It’s the last thing (always check the horizon for ships) that causes the most anxiety. I see ships going by far in the distance, but it’s hard to tell if they’re coming our way, going somewhere else.. or stalking us. THAT is where my anxiety comes from… of not knowing this shit. What’s worse is they can be all “we’re doing our own thing” by sailing away.. and you never know if they suddenly turn your direction and you’re caught with your pants down.
Reminder: these are REAL players. Unpredictable. They can choose to leave you alone, or they can choose to be absolute assholes. …Isn’t this game FUN?!
You’re not even safe on the island you spawn on. But, chances are very low some ragtag crew of assholes on a Galleon comes by and utterly destroys you and your ship while it’s still in dock (since you have nothing they want).
But if you’re working for the Merchant Alliance a lot.. there’s a chance someone could sneak aboard your ship when you’re not looking and steal the very chest you need to deliver.
Even encountered my own asshole. Or well, we did. We were on a Galleon (was
myself, Wolfdog, Kovo and Phox). Kovo wanted us to loot this sunken ship. But I noticed this Sloop looking like it was kind of following us. So we were forced to abandon the operation and continue with what we were doing.
In the far distance one time, it looked like as if a Galleon was trying to block us from getting to an outpost (so we can sell our stolen plunder). Kovo managed to get us around them to our next island.
We got what we need. Time to get to an outpost. Kovo let me drive the boat. There’s an arch infront of us. We saw a ship with its lights on in the distance.. but none of us expected what would happen next of a second ship heading right for us. It was a small ship, with only one guy. It had a red flag with a red light on it. I remember reading about this and said “we got hostiles!!”
We opened fire first, but the guy got a pretty damn good hit on the bow of our ship. I see the arch as the guy is now right behind us. Thinking “Ok, get through the arch as quick as you can and then go from there.” I head for the arch, then I feel “ugh no no.. we’re not going to make it through” and try to turn the ship around… and we run INTO the fucking arch.
The guy cuts us off before I’m able to get off the rocks. Kovo’s telling us “prepare to be boarded by these guys!” But it was only one guy (as I said before).
They managed to kill him, and Kovo tried to set their ship on fire and sink it. The guy comes back and Wolfdog goes to kill him again and dies. I try to rez him and
managed, only for the guy to kill him a second time. I tried to fight him off and
failed, dying too. Phox, unaware what’s going on (as he’s in a call with another friend who needs help) tries to rez me but it’s too late.
Kovo managed to kill him again. Both me and Wolf get back to our ship as his ship is now sinking, and I see Phox behind the wheel. I’m thinking “ugh… seriously. I screw up once and this is the thanks I get”. Phox gets off and I get back on the wheel, going through the arch (finally).
We thought that was it.. all the sudden OUR ship starts catching on fire. The fucker is on our ship!! I’m failing to get a hit on this quick ass mother fucker (guy’s clearly not a noob).
He tries to steal some of our resources and throw it overboard, but thankfully fails as he dies. And that was it. He was gone.
We got to the outpost safely and started unloading the goods. And then, the real drama starts. As we’re unloading the chests and stuff to sell to the traders, Kovo’s all “next
time, I’m driving. No offense”.. no Kovo, I do take offense to that. “…I had it under control.” I exclaimed, very annoyed by his words. And he says “did you not see the rock?”
….I threw off my headphones in rage, for this is the same reason why I don’t drive IRL. Though when it comes to IRL, yeah. You make one mistake, it could be your last. That is completely correct. …But this is a game, Kovo!
A bit later with everyone leaving the game (I left later), I messaged Kovo in Telegram explaining how I had it, that I knew that I was fucking DOING. He also has put it in my head a few days ago (when I first uninstalled the game over how I didn’t like seeing other players) that if I don’t change who I am, I’m going to lose Wolfdog. And at that time… I didn’t care anymore. I don’t really care. I still don’t. This side of me.. my fear of dying in a game (not just that, but looking like a retard infront of my friends), NO ONE is going to make me change that.
So if he wants to leave me over that, then go ahead.
THIS is what I mean by “this game is going to tear my relationship apart”.

There’s just too much risk VS reward (where the risk is 10 times higher than the reward) to the point I feel too scared to even leave the damn port by myself anymore (let alone with my friends).
And what I said to Wolf last night (with just Kovo and myself playing and I was streaming my screen to Wolf), I felt… why? Why do you love me, Wolfdog? Why do you care about me? Why do you want this failure of a relationship to work? I’m just going to end up using you like an emotional punching bag! :/
You deserve better. Plus, never once he said “awww it’s OK hun. It’s OK. I’ll be there with you”. Not once. Infact he siding with Kovo when he(Kovo) had told me “it’s only going to get more difficult on you the higher you level up”. That is not relationship material (to me).
If you’re going to be by my side, then you need to act like it. ..Make me feel better about this damn game. If you’re not, then honestly you’re wasting not only my time.. but yours in trying to keep this relationship alive.
Though, I feel (since yesterday evening during his ‘OH Pawpets! Show’ stream on Twitch that followed what we went through in that game), that the only.. only reason he wants this to work, is to help him out of getting new roommates (to help him with the bills). I mean sure, this would help me out when my mother dies to get me out of this house forever. But I can’t help than feel used, when it just seems he’s not willing to make me feel better when a game (like this one) treats me like shit (and I get all god damn moody).
I try to do it, when he feels bad. I try to comfort him. ..Yet he can’t with me. ..Yet I’M the one that’s supposed to fucking change (according to Kovo)!
How come I can’t ask Wolf to change, to.. try to be more compassionate when I get in these bad moods? ..Oh, that’s right, because that’s ‘controlling’. *facepalm* Yet it’s OK with me! ..Funny how that works.
Well, I can’t fully say he’s completely void of caring (total). No. He’s always been there for me when shit hit the fan. ..But, you could say that for a true best friend instead of a lover. You don’t have to be a lover to care like that.
*sighs*.. I just wanted to see some compassion from what I go through with these games. Instead he acts like Kovo. ..Not a lover. A lover would do more. A lover would always be there to try your tears. A lover would always be there to give you a hug. A lover would always be there.. yet he wasn’t when I was pissed off at this game. He didn’t seem to care if I uninstalled it forever.
There was also this bit where I was so ashamed, so pissed off at myself over the whole Grok thing. I half expected him to say “oh hun, I wish I was there with you. Is there anything I could do to help you feel better, to erase those bad thoughts?”.. nothing of that. I’m still waiting. Your BF went through hell and.. *sigh* a form of a sexual encounter would had helped to erase it, you know?! It would show true love. True passion to keep this relationship alive. And I don’t know what the fuck I said or did, to cause him to act like this around me.
There was only one time where he actually felt ERP would help me out. One time. Yet when it came with the whole thing with Grok.. nothing. Why? What did I do?

*sigh* ..I never wanted a relationship. I was content, with the whole ‘friends with
benefits’ thing. Didn’t expect to even be in a relationship.
I got this game, to be with Wolfdog. Just like I got No Man’s Sky to be with Jero. I am willing to do that.
But again, I do have feelings for Wolfdog. And I still care about him. I don’t wanna see him get hurt. I do my best to be there for him. I want to show passion for him, beyond friendship.
But I’m also fully ready incase this actually does fall apart. I’m not going to cry my head off like I did when Novice wanted to break up. I’m going to remind him why this would had never worked out in the first place, and there will never be another instance of “you’ll find someone better” being told to myself.
I have friends, with benefits. That’s all I really need. Sorry. Unless, you’re willing to listen to my constant moans and whines.. and try to make me feel better to the best of your abilities (instead of saying “yep.. sorry. But it’s only going to get worse”).
What’s worse is he didn’t even say “love you too” before I went to bed. Now, in his defense he was pretty tired from the stream. So I’m willing to ignore it. At least I hope it was that instead of a “meh” attitude after hearing me whine about things I cannot control.

.
I do not want this relationship to end, by any means. I want him to make that call. However if this doesn’t improve.. I will be forced to make it myself. It will likely hurt him greatly. But my patience is starting to wane since what happened.
However, I will STOP whining to him. This I promise. Maybe it might save this relationship (in my eyes). All I know is my eyes have never been so opened to the truth of why I don’t deserve a relationship. That, or.. maybe I don’t fully know how relationships work as much as I thought I do.
I just don’t get it, when he told me he’s willing to deal with all of the bad shit in my life. Yet he can’t even show some passion when I’m feeling like this. Yet I would. I show it to my friends.
You know, I love how this has gone from ‘game review’ to ’emo’. ..Just another day.

Bit of a mixed bag here. But if you’ve stayed with me this long, I’m very thankful.

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Finally got my answers
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Bit of a quick one here, which will more than likely be the reverse with how I like expressing myself.
What do I mean from this title? ..I finally got my answers about Jero. But, it wasn’t from Jero himself. It was from Larry. This is the same time when I really felt unsure about my relationship with Wolfdog and was talking to Larry about it, how I felt this was rushed and stuff. Felt I was being ‘controlled’ by Wolfdog to change for the better, which I really don’t like. It brought back to my mind what Jero said about me to Kovo, behind my back. When he said I was “controlling”.
For the longest time I felt “…really? Trying to get you to be more communicative in order to save the relationship is ‘controlling’?
.”
But, Larry opened up my eyes to the truth;
“Jero was basically saying that because you wanted him to do things that you liked and he didn’t want to do them.
But, it’s not controlling if you work together with your new BF. Aka, both of you can do things eachother wants to do. It’s showing you love him and you’re willing to make the relationship work out.”
Remembering the past… *looks down in shame* Larry is right. I definitely remember when Jero got upset at me because of this. ..This has gotta be why he left me.
Now I’m not saying this is 100% my fault. It’s also his, for not coming to me when he felt something’s wrong. Plus, being communicative should not fall under this. Even Larry wanted me to understand that. We both fucked up with that relationship, yet Jero never really showed he didn’t want it to end.
–
So where in the fuck am I going with this blog post? Why did I even bring this up, when this conversation with Larry happened almost a week ago? Started from what I posted in the #tech-talk channel of what I posted. Guy with a video about ‘cheap full body tracking for everyone’ and also showing a picture of ‘VR Headsets On Steam’.

I was all “where’s the Oculus CV1’s? Where’s the Rift S’s?” Wufy commented saying
they’re “probably in the Facebook graph” and “it’s a graph based on the brand, not model”.
The next day, I saw ‘7 blocked messages’ had responded. It was Jero.. who had actually responded to me about it. He explained the reason why the Valve Index only had 16.5% of the SteamVR market.
But anyway, I thought about it for awhile. Clearly, he has moved on. He’s buried the hatchet in trying to find Larry’s true identity. That’s great.. at least I hope he has. Kovo’s never come up to me and said “Jero’s still trying”. So, I unblocked him. Feel I’m doing the right thing. It’s time for me to move on too; to let go of this ‘despise’ feeling.
Even if I didn’t have a new BF, it seriously is time to let this go. It has been for a long while now and it’s just been stupid to me of why I still hold a grudge.

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Helping Wolfdog financially, yet why do I feel I fucked up?
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Moving on to my current BF, one who has helped me twice with friends of troubled
pasts (and even helped me on a personal level when I was feeling really depressed.. by just being there with me).
As I said before, he’s done more than Jero’s ever done for me. And that’s why I decided to finally reward him with a huge thank you (in the form of $200 through PayPal).
“Woah.. wait. Did you just say you gave him $200?! That’s a lot of damn money!” you’re likely saying. It is. But I did it in order to help him financially. “So uh.. why do you feel you fucked up then? I don’t get it.”
Patience, my dear reader. All will be revealed in mere seconds. And the reason is how he reacted after it. I half expected him to come on VRChat and say “ohh hun, you need to come on. I know just how to thank you, and you’ll love it.” Aka him deciding to be a bottom for a day in order to show his appreciation. Instead, he licks me and says “thank you hun”. That was it. And now he’s playing GTA5 with friends.
You uh.. you see a problem here right? I’m not just a friend who felt sorry for him and wanted to help financially. I’m his boyfriend. Shouldn’t that come with added benefits? Plus, that $200 could had gone to my mother (if I had seen it sooner). Because there
was $217 in my PayPal account. I only assume most (if that all of that) was a refund for my mother long ago from something she bought on eBay (that she didn’t like). But I made the mistake and gave $200 of that to him. However, I’ve corrected it (just incase) by taking money out of my bank account.
–
But, I’m a bit worried Wolfdog might be another ‘Scooby’ or another ‘Nova’. Because Kovo feels Nova is using him as a piggy bank, and Scooby with Jero.. that mess in the past of Scooby not wanting to pay back the money Jero gave him. Now I’m not going that route. Not at all.
Wolfdog has never asked me once for money. When I had offered (today) to give him something to thank him for the help, he said “up to you hun” followed by “I could use the money”.
Now you could see this as a form of ‘asking for money’ (for saying he ‘could use it’). But again, he never truly asked me directly. I feel, it was more of the lines of “well sweetie if you’d like to help I could use some money, but you don’t have to if you don’t wanna.” That is not the definition of asking for money. It’s welcoming any help because you’re kind of desperate for it. And knowing his living conditions, there’s no doubt in my
mind.
“He should still pay it back in some way, since you’re his BF and not just a friend of his. It’s only fair and it’ll help strengthen the bond between you two.” That is very logical. But on the other side of this coin, you can say “You offered to help him. Aka that’s a financial contribution; a donation. Just like donating money in a Twitch stream. So you shouldn’t really feel he ‘owes you’. That’s wrong.”
Both of these responses hold weight, and that’s why I’m unsure of this. So, I brought this up to Kovo in hopes he could help me. His response was pretty much “only do this one time. If he wants more money, then you have the right to ask for some kind of gift in return.”
He clearly didn’t understand me, so I tried explaining this in a better way and now he understands. He said that Nova refuses any help in funding, but Kovo did it anyway. This is clearly different than with Wolfdog.
But, he also says to not feel ashamed in feeling I’m owed. He feels it too sometimes (with Nova).

For now though, I won’t bring this up to Wolfdog. I want to see if he’s going to treat me as one of his other friends who help him out, or as an actual boyfriend. From the way he originally acted, it’s hard to say it’ll be the latter.
But, I still won’t tell him. However if he actually one day says “hey hun I really need money”.. then and only then do I have the right to say “when am I going to get something really nice for helping you? I’m your boyfriend, not another friend of yours. I give but I’m not getting.”

This post is based on a multi-day event, aka events listed in the title happened on multiple days, based on how it started to how it ended. However, I don’t fully remember what dates these events happened.
So let’s get this going.

Router go ‘RIP’
==================================================
This started happening almost a week ago, outside of VRChat. It was getting close to bedtime and I was talking to Wolfdog in Discord. Now, Wolfdog has this issue where his mic tends to cut out at times. He’s not sure why it’s happening.. maybe it’s on my end. Who knows. But anyway, his voice stops and I’m asking if everything’s OK…. and then Discord disconnects me.
I sigh and glance over at my cable modem, knowing it’s usually the problem when this happens and saw my router’s light was slowly flashing red. I tried doing a reset by unplugging and plugging it back in 30 seconds later, nothing. And this lasted all night, and even into the afternoon.
Ok, clearly abnormal for my router to be down for THIS long. It’s been the second time this month it has gone down. But the first time, it went back up after about 15 or so minutes.
Again I did what I did last night, still nothing. So I call Spectrum and the guy is testing my patience after saying “humor me: reach behind the router and unplug it” after I explained I already did this before I called. So he tried to arrange a tech guy to come out and take a look at it… the next day. UGH!! Are you seriously telling me I’m going to be without internet ALL DAY?! You all can’t get anyone to come out today?! Sadly no.
I hung up the phone, quite pissed. When I eventually calmed down, a thought came to mind of what I was told before over the phone when a similar issue happened. I unplugged both my cable modem and router for a minute.
When the minute passed, I plugged my cable modem in first. When all the lights stayed blue, I plugged in my router. 30 seconds later, solid blue light. Back online.
…Now WHY in the FUCK didn’t that incompetent dumbass of a tech support person TELL ME TO DO THIS?! I cancelled the service appointment, feeling I should be good now. Boy was I wrong when it happened again that evening. Doing the same reset procedure I did before (worked again), I was a bit shaken up and felt “yeeeeahhh I better get someone out here to look at this. I don’t wanna run the risk of it going down again on me.”
–
After being forced to explain why I canceled the last service appointment, this tech support person was actually compassionate. Sadly I couldn’t get the exact time of the last appointment, but an hour later (which is OK). The router never went down since then.
Tech guy came, told me “it’s likely a bad router. I did testing on your lines before I arrived and saw your router was going down when your cable modem was fine.” Felt confident the issue wouldn’t happen again. Plus (due to a new policy), he had to install an amp for my Spectrum TV/Phone service. The lines have to be in a certain percentage, and mine
were -0.3% of that requirement.
…The issue happened again (in the morning) a few days later. Mother woke me up saying her computer “is fried” from accidentally dropping liquid on it. ..Oh dear god. There goes my privacy out the window when she said “I’ll have to use your computer now”.
I was trying to message Wolfdog on my phone that “my privacy is gone now and here’s why” and couldn’t. Discord didn’t wanna work. Not even Safari wanted to work. Still in my bed, I looked over at my cable modem.. blinking red router light. FUCK!!
Got up and resetted, worked. She never (thankfully) fried her computer, it was the internet being down. Now she’s back up, and she’s all “it might as well be dead without internet”.
Now that is true, but still… don’t scare me like that! Your internet being down =/= your computer’s fried!!
Yet, to this day.. HOW IN THE FUCK what she did caused my router to GO DOWN?! We’re in separate rooms! How is that even possible?! Almost makes me assume she caused my router to go down before. Kills me.

EDIT: It just dropped out again. Ugh. Literally two days after the last time, it dropped out again (around 3pm today). This time I only unplugged my cable modem, and it worked.
Now I’m thinking it might either be an issue with the cable modem itself or the ethernet cables sending garbage data, because there’s nothing wrong with the lines outside of the house.
It’s also affecting the landline phones. The dial tone was really choppy a few minutes after my cable modem came back online (but has since cleared up). ..Hmm.

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“Why are you crashing?!”
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So this has to do with (seems to be) a specific world in VRChat– a 90’s style bar that Sparky ‘owns’ and we RP as guests. For some very, very odd reason my computer absolutely, positively HATES this world and VRChat and CTD(Crash To Desktop) for no reason. What’s even more odd is it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I can be fine for hours. Other times it’s crash after crash (sometimes happens within 3-5 minutes after joining).
I got advice to restart my computer. I accepted it and did it. One time it helped, another time it didn’t. And it has gotten to the point where I said “I’m just going to reinstall VRChat”. Remembering I have files pertaining to emmVRC that haven’t been removed when I uninstalled it (due to one person saying how ‘sus’ it is for being a jack of all trades mod, that it just feels uncomfortable to them).
Hmm.. I never had an issue with it. Then again, I have full body. So I don’t really need
its Risky Features anymore. And there are mods that take up emmVRC’s core features that I like (blocking VRC+’s annoying ads and showing a list of players in the instance on my quick menu).
So I did a ‘complete’ reinstall (leaving the Mods folder and the MelonLoader installer and letting Steam reinstall everything via ‘Verify integrity of game files’). Surprisingly, the game auto logged me in after it was all said and done. ..I’m not even sure if I even did it right honestly. A clean install should had wiped everything out, including data on what my chosen homeworld is. The only thing I saw ‘wiped’ was the Recent list of my last joined worlds.
I haven’t been back to that world since, semi-fearing it’s going to happen again. Sparky has tried explaining to me possible culprits what might had caused the crashing. But if it happens again, I’m going to try to completely uninstall the game and reinstall. See if that helps. I don’t think it’s a mod causing it, because again.. this is the only world it’s happened (and happened this frequently to where I couldn’t stay on longer than five minutes before CTD).

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Sparky’s son
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If anything screams ‘multi-day event’, this would be it. I actually would had written this
as ‘joining Wolfdog’s wolf pack’ (I’ll be explaining the reasoning to that statement
shortly), but this is more newsworthy (and questionable).
This is rumored (though Kovo feels it’s fact) to have started happening before the whole DJ shitshow, before I met Wolfdog. Back on July 17th.
Just chilling in the Mystery Skulls discord. Kovo’s asking people in the lewd raid chat group chat if anyone’s going to be attending a possible Destiny 2 raid. Later that
day, Sparky starts talking in the chat about something that sounds pretty damn serious. Something about him and his friends were going to be charged by the police on the assumption they had a threesome with a minor.
I don’t really know what happened after this, but apparently this minor is
named ‘Chris’ and was Sparky’s RP son; who he misses very much. I didn’t realize just how much until a few days from the time I post this.
I was with Sparky and Wolfdog. We were world hopping. Wolfdog saw his brother online and wanted to join him, and invited us to join. I agreed and so did Sparky. Now the reason why I said how I feel I ‘joined Wolfdog’s wolf pack’ is most of the friends he hangs out ingame with, use a similar avatar he does. This was brought to me by a very drunk Klaus a day ago, saying I “joined a wolf pack” and proceeded to ‘awoo’ at me.
–
So in this world is a small log cabin. Sparky and I were talking about random things and he crashed. This was when I saw one of Wolfdog’s friends– a wolf going by ‘SpitfireTheWolf’. He was a DJ for the recent Furality Luma event that happened last month. Met him a few days ago (the same world Klaus joined me). Really cool, funny guy.
Sparky came back. Kept talking to Spitfire and I heard Sparky crying while facing a Christmas tree. I tried comforting him. I could had sworn I heard him say “Chris contacted me” or something like that and mentioning this ‘Chris’ being his son. That something happened and that Chris would come back. I didn’t want to get too involved in his life, so I didn’t ask him many questions.
After the whole DJ shitshow, I’m trying to stay clear of drama. But I also wish I knew what to say to him.

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When assuming was nearly fatal
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The last two posts I have for you guys, happened yesterday.
Feel I haven’t learned anything from my time in the MRT server. I can’t fully remember what it was about, but I was assuming something that got a lot of people upset. And now it’s happened in a different form.. where to this day I almost feel like going to bed and never waking up over how bad of a friend I was. I almost had someone kill themself and it would had been my fault.. the fact I assumed said friend was only being a drama queen and crying for attention (and never thought he was actually being serious).
–
A few days ago, I saw a friend doing the old ‘Homesick’ worlds and they were doing Part 3. The one I’m stuck in. Thought I’d better join and see if they know how to get past one puzzle. Sure enough, they were literally at the same puzzle I was stuck at. They figured it out and showed me the secret answer. Just.. wow.
Fast forward to yesterday, I was in that world myself. I managed to get past that puzzle a lot faster, to the point the puzzle was only a fucking troll. Kept going, and then got a random invite from Spencerdude. The message.. bothered me, and it should had bothered me enough to stop what I was doing and intervene;

Instead, I thought “ehh, he’s just crying out for attention” and went back to what I was doing. He has threatened to kill himself before and he’s still alive.
This is pretty much the ‘boy who cried wolf’, and I’m the townspeople that got tired rushing to the boy’s aid and it’s fake (except the boy was different people of the past).
As I said I kept doing what I wanted to do, but the thought started eating at my mind.
..It wasn’t for a half an hour LATER that I had enough of this and messaged Kovo and Wolfdog, not sure what to do. Wolf told me to see this as real, and I decided to do so.
Went to this ‘tunnel’ world. Quite dark with a few doors here and there. Found myself in this dimly lit hallway with a sewer drain on the side that caught my attention. I somehow managed to get my body into it and got into an elevator shaft.
There was Spencerdude talking to someone. I was about ready to say “alright Spencer I’m here. This better not be a cry for attention” but I kept that to myself. I half expected Spencer to say “I’m surprised you even care about me”.. as yes I haven’t been spending a lot of time with him. Instead, he says “I’m surprised you’re still alive”.
He talks about how life has no meaning, that the world has gone to shit. So yeah I was right, you are crying for attention. But I did my best to convince him “nothing is worth taking your life”.
He looks at me and is all “why are you still alive?” and explaining how everyone hides behind a mask. I explain how I knew what he meant, but how I would stay alive as my friends would miss me. Said the reason why he’s like this is he [RETRACTED for his wishes] and got PTSD from it. Asked him why, said it’s the same thing he feels.
Wolfdog joined us. I told the two I would be back to help him here. I ran though the tunnels as fast as I could, never finding him. The other that was with Spencer also went out looking for him.
We met up and I said “you go back to Spencer, I’ll go look for Wolfdog”. He said “Wolfdog is already with him” and said for us to stay out of the room. So we did. That’s when I really felt bad and said how I assumed Spencer was faking it. He got on me about it, which only made me feel worse. But I did manage to get the conversation away from me and to Spencer, hoping Wolfdog can help him. About 10 minutes passed when JoinNotifer informed me the two left the world (and the person was away at the time).
I asked Wolfdog on Discord, where he was. Said he managed to help Spencer out and was talking to him in a call. He also said the person that I was.. could had made it even worse and he had to step in ASAP.
Later Wolfdog calls me, explaining the situation (and I explained it to the person I was with). The person wanted to go meet another friend and left. That’s when I opened up to Wolfdog explaining my part in this. I expected him to be mad at me, and he kind of seemed it– agreeing with me that I should had told him a lot sooner. Then he tries to lighten the mood when all I wanted to do was die in a hole for how I treated this.
I tried ending it by also saying I’m going to join a friend. I did, joined Sparky who was his friends. He didn’t expect what words that came out of my mouth, and told me to relax and try to forget what I did.
–
I did try, but it just kept eating at me of how I nearly had a friend die and it would had been my fault. It was like my emotions were on overdrive, and nothing I tried to say to myself was helping.
Everyone left to bed later on, and I was left alone. I laid down in my bed and could almost feel myself crying… just wanted to be left alone, not knowing what I should do. It wasn’t just my inaction nearly costed the life of a friend, but when he brought up “why are you still alive”. Half of me felt “..yeah.. why AM I still alive?!” while the other side felt I was being stupid letting this bother me.
An hour passed. Wolfdog joins. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him. I felt too ashamed, too embarrassed. But when I opened my eyes for a moment, I saw his cute face staring back at me as if he was saying directly to my brain: “relax, my love. Relax. It’s OK. I’m here. I still love you, nomatter what.”
Soon as I felt this, those painful feelings started washing away. ..This is why I’m still alive. God had sent an angel when I needed one the most. I could feel my mind saying to
me “look at that face. A friend wouldn’t know what to say.. but true love would. So stop this foolishness and thank the one that loves you.”
I smiled at him, giving him a kiss and saying “thank you, Wolfdog. Since I met you, you’ve been there for me. And here you are, doing it again.” Told him that I loved him, and he said it back to me with a kiss.
This is twice he’s helped me out with a very disturbing situation. First was DJ, now this. I just.. I can’t thank him enough. It’s very lucky he’s friends with Spencer and knows how to handle issues like that. He is truly one in a million, and I’m very thankful he’s my BF. He’s done things Jero would refuse to do, with him being all “I don’t want to cause drama”.
Wolfdog is brave, and willing to do anything to protect who he cares for. Especially me.
—
Kovo joined a bit later. I did still feel a bit ashamed of myself, but he helped with the rest. Him saying “it’s not your fault. You’ve had a lot of people say this and it was fake. It’s not your fault man”. That’s all I needed to hear and I got up, grateful to be free of that depressive grip. He even put a big smile on my face, and told me when Wolfdog went AFK that I seriously owe him (Wolfdog) a game or something for what he did for
me.
*nods* Yes. He deserves it, and then some.

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Kovo still needs help with Nova
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With my mind no longer messed up (and friends here), we talked as normally. Nova joined us. And where I’m going with this is basically, we were talking about certain things and we all overheard Nova calling Kovo her boyfriend. I looked at her and said “hold up, does this mean it’s official?” Nothing came out of her mouth. …The..fuck? Why? It’s like she was too embarrassed to say anything. But, you shouldn’t really be. Nova, it’s two. YEARS Kovo’s been waiting for you to make this official!! Really bugged me.
Later on, Kovo had crashed yet Nova stayed put with us. She looked like she was in a call with Kovo, but wouldn’t tell us what happened. Was very strange. Even when I said earlier on when she arrived: “hey Nova!”, she never said “hey” back. Like, she doesn’t trust me anymore. I dunno what the fuck I did to cause this mistrust.
When Kovo came back, she obviously went back to spawn where she left about 5-10 minutes later. 10 minutes after that, Kovo joins us. Not sure what took him so long if what I assumed Nova had gone to bed. ..She’s acting really suspicious.
I don’t really remember what happened later, but it was just me, Kovo and
Wolfdog (sometimes going AFK from people contacting him). Kovo explains how he’s still not sure if Nova truly loves him. I gave him advice I’ve given him
before, and.. seriously. Kovo needs answers. Two years of ‘being friends’ when both of them have said countless times “I love you” and “I love you too”.. yet Nova has yet to make it official.
She’s fucking pulling a Jero on him. Aka, this is what Jero did to me– a severe lack of communication, a lack of not living a double (or a triple) life. Kovo feels Nova might still be secretly cheating on him, which might be why she stopped talking after I confronted her with that question. If she truly loves him, she would not have hesitated.. at all.
This is the taletell signs of what Jero did to me, even cheating and lying to me.
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Anyway, Kovo has sent me some messages between the two, asking me to read them and see if he had fucked up (at all). But I’ve been so busy writing this blog post to do so.
Since I’m finally done, I’ll read them. I also volunteered to ask Nova just what the hell is going on here.

Dunno where to start. Dunno how to start. ..But I feel this relationship with Wolfdog just isn’t going to work out for me. I don’t feel my heart is in the right place, where I feel actually content in not even needing a relationship (and being happy with these friends with benefits).
I dunno what’s wrong with me. But it’s like, my mood changes with him from VRChat and outside of the game. In VRChat, I really love the fact he loves me… but outside of the game it’s like, he feels.. ugh. Annoying to talk to? Something about his voice just.. believe me when I say I absolutely KNOW it’s wrong to base someone off of that! I know this!
But.. fuck.
It feels like I’m being pulled away from my friends, from what I enjoy doing (by him). It’s like I’ve defaulted on that ‘feel tied down’ feeling I felt years ago.. somehow. It could be several factors;
1. He seems to ‘change’ who he is in Discord compared to VRChat. Ingame, I feel he’s very compassionate, friendly, and caring. But outside of the game he doesn’t really show
this. He shows his RL self.
2. We’re both tops, so neither of us like taking it up the ass. Yet sex should be the least thing you’d consider of a relationship; it should only be seen as an ‘added benefit’. ..Though he won’t give me a blowjob yet expects to be given one.
3. He seems to have this really.. annoying ‘desire’ to repeat himself several times as in he’s trying to prove a point (and overdoing it).
4. When he speaks, he won’t let me speak until he’s done talking. He seems to hate having someone talk over him (especially when he starts repeating himself). Doesn’t know when to just shut up.
5. Seems ‘ashamed’ when I tell others proudly (and he’s with me) “so this is my BF!”
6. Doesn’t seem interested in the stories I tell him, yet expects me to be interested in
his. He hasn’t even asked for a link to this website.
7. Seemed almost as ‘flirty’ as Jero (one time), watching him play VRChat (licked someone’s crotch once).
8. I feel he has rushed this relationship upon me. ..Though I will admit I felt ready to commit to it at the time, I no longer do.
9. Doesn’t like playing VRChat after 1am my time, when usually things get pretty active. This is when he gets tired (yet never heads to bed). Yet he wants me to be with him in a call.
10. Doesn’t seem to really show any true desire to see me again after I say that “I’ll be back”.
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There’s things I like, and then there’s things I don’t like. And the “don’t like”‘s are starting to outweigh the “like”‘s. Oy it’s.. maddening. But #1, #3, and #8 is the most problematic here (to the point I kind of want to end this relationship and not see him for awhile).
Though I believe I know the issue here.. he’s GOT to be looking for an IRL
relationship, not a VRChat relationship. There’s just too many red flags to not
be!
Red flag #1 is how many times he has told me that he wishes to “hold me in his arms”. Now this is really cute and all, but he can ‘hold me’ in VRChat. And he doesn’t seem happy with this. He hardly uses VR, usually in desktop. And he seems to not even want to bend himself to be in VR just because of me. ..I’m just saying. If he wants to hold me so damn bad then get in VR! So yeah, you see the red flag, do you not?

Red flag #2, is a long thing for me to explain.
He wanted a picture of my IRL chest and stomach. I didn’t feel comfortable showing
this, knowing my mother could walk in my room any second and see me. And it’s like he almost doesn’t seem to understand this, by saying “I so want you to live with me and the other 2 roomates”. ..I’m sorry, but I don’t really work well with others. I have a short temper.
After this, I finally felt forced enough to drop the ‘rushed relationship’ hammer
down. Starts telling me “it’s just me and the other two roomates are really struggling to make ends meet at the apartment we are now”. …What’s there for else to say here, folks? There it is, black and white– he wants an IRL relationship. Yet it also feels to use my money to help him and his roomates.
Stepping back, I get that. I respect that. Completely understandable. You need that
help, and this would be quite beneficial to us both. I’d finally get out of this house with someone I truly love, and you hopefully wouldn’t be struggling to survive as we’ll be able to use both our Survivor’s Benefits money pools to make it.
Yeah. Definitely would work.. if I wasn’t myself who has treated their parents like shit and is a lazy, whiny piece of SHIT who really doesn’t understand why I’m still alive….
I, explained this to him in as much detail as I could. I want him to realize this isn’t going to work out between us (IRL). Even told him”I hide behind a mask of happiness”. Wufy fucking gets me! He’s the same way! That’s why he isn’t perusing an IRL relationship with BlueBio. He’s scared for Blue as I’m scared for Wolf that it’s going to fall apart so fucking fast.
Yet he… seems completely and utterly unphased by any of this! HOW?! This–this is not how any of this works!! You need someone to help you financially, do you not? I can’t be there for that! I don’t do IRL relationships unless I truly feel confident with the other person!
..THIS is what I mean by it feeling rushed. And this, is why I have to end the relationship before it goes too far.
But I dunno where to even begin with that painful thing. I dunno how to bring him down slowly and he won’t feel heartbroken. That’s the hardest thing to do, likely why Jero didn’t. He knew how much I loved him. He knew how much I wanted to make this work, how I called him ‘the one’.
I called Wolfdog ‘the one’ too, because of how I felt around him (in VRChat). Now all of this is happening. I’m just scared this is going to reach a point of no return where I’m going to have to be forced to come up with a decision– change my life and be with him, or continue living my current life and die alone (yet also leaving friends who would really miss me)?

It very much is. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Well, I’m going to have to think of something soon. Unless he manages to change my mindset that he actually isn’t looking for that type of relationship (unless I’m ready for it). Yet it’s hard not to with all the red flags, you know?

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So, trying to ignore all of this, I have been trying to add his avatar to mine in the form of a doll (like I did with Jero and Wuffer back in the day). But this time, it hasn’t been
easy.
I have the knowledge to do it; haven’t forgotten. ..The problem (and it’s a rather big
one), is his avatar uses SDK 3.0 and mine uses 2.0. I originally thought this would be
a no-go, though all 3.0’s core change is how animations work on the avatar. The fact it’s just a doll (stripped of everything that makes it an avatar), surely I shouldn’t have any issue.
….But VRChat is kicking my ass for NO fucking reason!! >:(
Another classic ‘works fine in Unity but not in VRChat’ issue. I was able to do the same thing I did for my project, and it works. But NOT in VRChat!! UGH!!!
What kills me is in the avatar preview thing that shows your avatar on the left, it works in there. But in the mirror.. NOPE!! It’s in a T-Pose! ..WHY?!?!
Only thing I can think of is.. just pure bullshit. “Oh, you’re not going to get away with stripping it out of everything that makes it an avatar. Hell no. The model was still designed for SDK 3.0! You can’t fucking alter that! HA-Ha!”
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Only way around this is to.. manually pose the damn thing like I did for the tiny hand puppet. But it’s so. fucking. PAINFUL playing with those damn Transform numbers eversince I discovered the power behind uMotion!
Just, ugh. But I don’t have any other choice to get the pose I want to work. uMotion isn’t bailing me out this time of having to do the old, painful way to pose. :/
Feel like busting out the Kragle and fucking Micromanage the model to force VRChat to accept the pose!

“MICROMANGERS!! …Micromanage this annoying pose to force VRChat to accept it!”