What a crazy Saturday it’s been. Starts from playing Minecraft with Kovo, to Wolf wanting to just be friends. And boy oh boy the drama.
And like before, I have learned from this experience. I have learned so, so much. But at least I’m thankful me and Wolf are still friends. And really, this is what should’ve happened after the DJ shitshow. This, was all on him. He rushed it, all because of wanting to make me happy and him being 5 years younger than me.
So how this shitshow (of a day) happened, as I said in Minecraft. Kovo was confused why I wasn’t with Wolf in VRChat, so I told him the reason; Unity 2019 almost breaking every mod maintained by the VRCMG. And while they’re slowly being updated, I’m still waiting for a few critical mods to be updated before I get back on VRChat.
Anyway, Kovo introduced me to a server him and Nova (and others) have been in. It’s quite old (2-3 years old to be exact). But he wanted to build me a place to live and thought of a dragon cave. I thought “ehh, why not. Even though I only build one when I play Modded Minecraft.”
Found a place and he got to work, while I got Vivecraft installed and got in VR.
Talked to him about certain things. Dunno how but the conversation went to Wolfdog and I started explaining what’s going on between us. He actually seemed to understand
me (instead of being against me with that whole “you’re gonna lose him if you don’t change!”).
Although he doesn’t know Wolfdog that well to really be able to give me solid advice, he has seen Wolf might be going back on his word. However, not in a cheating way.. but in
a “he’s still into an open relationship” way.
Have noticed Wolf’s been super active in VRChat lately, and never once asking me if I’d like to join him. Find that very odd. Just yesterday he hardly talked to me in Discord.
Later on Wolf messaged me and said: “I’m going to play some other game. Would you like to join me?” I said I was playing Minecraft with Kovo and he can join us. And he said “give me a few”.
Let’s just say it was longer than ‘a few’. He just kept playing VRChat for the longest time.
It was getting close to 5am by the time he finally decided to show up. I walked him to the cave Kovo did for me and I still remember him commenting on living in a mountain. He seemed very.. “pfft”. Like he didn’t even appreciate the effort Kovo did for me.
Plus he seemed to want to do his own thing instead of stay with me. Though I think it’s mainly of him.. once again falling asleep infront of his computer and then saying he wasn’t. *sighs deeply* I don’t understand why he feels he must lie as if he’s hiding something, over something so trivial as going to bed. And one time he even died to a zombie. I tried to help him, but I couldn’t find him.
And then to put the icing on the cake, it was getting close to 6am. Kovo says he’s going to bed and then Wolf is all “Benie should also be going to bed”.. hun, I stayed up to be with you. And I told him this. I had to tell him a second time just to get a reaction out of
him. He also said “I would had joined sooner, but I had friends who wouldn’t let me go. You know how that’s like!”.. no, no I don’t. Because only rarely does that happen to me. And usually they listen. …Stop. lying. to me. Wolfdog.
But I did go to bed, then told Kovo in Telegram “so you see the proof there”.
I just wonder if Kovo’s saying “don’t dump him just yet. I’ll watch him for you”. Though he did say Wolf and I should talk about it and stuff. But I told him “I’m just worried Jero’s gonna be right, that I control people by complete accident. Asking him to change is the same thing as trying to control him, because I’m not happy how this relationship is going.”
===
The morning and afternoon came. Not much to speak about other than checking my phone and getting a message from Kat that she did indeed.. find a free grocery bag model. ..Oh my GOD you madlad! You remembered! But, a promise is a promise. And I promised her I’d put grocery bags on my horns. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s a running gag between Kat and myself (of her saying “I needed you to carry my groceries” (referring to my avatar’s horns)).
If I was good at Blender, I would be adding things to the grocery bags and then writing on the side “Kat’s Grocery”. ..Oh lord. lol
–
Done digressing. About 4 in the afternoon I felt, I had enough. I have to tell Wolfdog how I feel about him, right here and right now. If the relationship ends over this, so be it. I was ready. Sent him the blog post I typed yesterday.
And he was upset over me not telling him sooner (and using that blog post instead of talking about it directly). And when I tried explaining “because I don’t like offending people”, he didn’t once say “ohh hun.., you don’t need to worry about that”. Nothing at all. He was being very direct, very.. stern. Look I get you’re pissed off, but do you not see what I’m going through? Do you not see why I did this?
No. All he said was “I feel there’s trust issues”. Yeah there is.. your attitude. And he lies again saying “I have no attitude”. ..You’re crazy. Where’s the compassion if you have no attitude!? But instead of saying that to him, I said with what I said in the post with the whole “I judge people by the tone of their voice if they’re annoyed or not with me”. I personally see this as a ‘defense system’ (but I forgot to tell him that). And his opinion is he doesn’t feel that’s right.
I soon started feeling “you know.. you’re right Wolfdog. I shouldn’t had kept this from you for so long. I promise not to do that again.” Again no compassion. No “ohh hun..” moment. The only thing I felt, was him saying (in my mind): “you better not, or I will break up with you”.
—
Went back to Kovo, talking about it. Yes I know I’m going behind Wolfdog’s back here when I just said I wouldn’t. It’s just.. the way he types. The way he speaks. It just feels there’s always an attitude against the way I say and do things (like I’m always being judged). I just can’t shake it off. I dunno why, or how. I’m not trying to delibertly cause drama here. I want to love him. Hold him. Only focus on being with him. But this thing of not feeling comfortable of talking to him (over feeling he has an attitude when he swears he doesn’t) is going to kill this relationship.
A bit later (nearing the time where I walk up to Waffle House), I freely opened myself to Wolfdog explaining the whole thing that happened last night. I expected not much to come out of it (with just “thank you for bringing this to my attention”).
Instead, he said.. “ok”. “ok”?? You know hun, that doesn’t feel like a satisfying answer to me (and I said this, again speaking my mind. Just like he wanted). He asks “what gave you the impression I felt ashamed of what Kovo built?” …and I didn’t know how to answer that. Mainly because, I forgot what was said word for word. So I tried explaining what I could remember, and he said “I didn’t say that”.
At this same time, he wanted to speak to Kovo. I’m now coming home, feeling really ashamed of myself for not providing ANY evidence to back up my claim. And the more I thought about it, the more shameful I felt. I just tried to accuse him of something that honestly wasn’t that big of a deal.
Got home and all I wanted to do was tell him “…let’s just move on from this embarrassment”. Instead he ‘decides to take a break from Discord’. I was speechless. I felt nothing. I felt “welp, that’s it. It’s over. There’s no way I’m going to be able to save it.” Kovo kept sending me chat logs of their conversation, and I just felt more humiliated at myself being too nervous to read them. Here I prepared myself incase the relationship would falter. …But I was never prepared for this scenario to happen.
Calmed down somewhat when I felt I said what I wanted to, and decided to read the messages Kovo sent. …My jaw hit the floor of what I saw, and then I started to laugh a bit. So.. so.. he’s getting pissed off at me for “pulling the same shit again” of telling him something that happened last night. Something I forgot to tell him when we spoke
before, he’s getting pissed off. So tell me, dear readers.. he doesn’t have an attitude. And here I thought it was the way I ‘presented’ my case.
He wanted to talk to Kovo when he felt better, and he was doing his usual thing with him saying he’ll be there “in a few”.. yet he was playing Elite: Dangerous and not wanting to put the game down in order to talk. For someone who really wants things to work, he sure doesn’t seem anxious to do so, huh?
Got to a point Kovo’s getting pissed (but telling me about it) that Wolf is keeping him from his friends. Said he promised to play Phasmophobia with Sparky and now Wolf is eating that time away. So yeah, you’re pissing off the wrong people, Wolf.
I decide to join them, just wanting to get my mind off of what’s going on. But I couldn’t shake it off.. especially the IRONY going on here. Wolf’s doing the same. damn. thing he got upset at me about– he’s not wanting to come to me, to discuss this. He wants to go to Kovo instead. I’m choking on irony here.
Except in my defense of this, Wolfdog doesn’t understand Kovo protects his friends. But anyway, Kovo, Sparky and I had good fun and we managed to tag and bag the ghosts. Never died. Came close a few times, but we never even got hunted.
Then Wolfdog messages me…
Says he just wants to be friends. He also claims it was “a hard choice”. I told him “I think it’s for the best honestly. As I said, I felt this was going nowhere.” Never said “this is the way it should had been after what happened with DJ. We just weren’t meant to be a thing honestly.” I wanted to, but I chose to leave that out. It likely would had caused more drama and likely even our (reinstated) friendship.
.
I’m glad it ended in a peaceful, mutual way. It could had been worse. And I’m not even sure if I’m going to have to deal with his friends who (might then again might not) feel
I “hurt Wolfdog’s feelings”.
Plus, actually glad I’m single again (for the first time ever). As I said before, I felt that feeling I once felt of ‘being tied down’. I dunno how my desire for love just suddenly went in reverse, but I think dealing with Jero and the.. crushing reality of when Novice dumped me, really made me realize where I’ve been fucking up with my relationships.
And that last “hoo rah” (of wanting someone in my life) was DJTheDutchi. You know how that went. And since then, I believe that’s what really killed my desire for a relationship.
I’m pretty sure Wolfdog will have a lot to think about as well. Likely never wanting to ever get into another closed relationship. Hell, maybe him and Blender might get back together. That would be awesome. 🙂
And lookie there. Most of the mods I use have been updated! Only took 2-3 days.
Now to just wait for mods to get updated, so I can switch back to the secret project (and remove the ‘WolfdogWorks’ project). And this time, I will no longer have ‘her’ on my horn anymore (to avoid being questioned, as it was really starting to feel cringy).