Don’t think my relationship with Jero is going to last much longer

Posted on 08-31-2020 by Benie

Hey all, got a rather short, single entry for news for you. Something that’s been bugging me for awhile, that will likely kill two birds with one stone.
2020 came in, a near year of new opportunities for all of us. I was going to try to get my driver’s license this year (just so I could visit BlueBio)… and once again, another New Years Resolution that never came true. Once again it was just me sitting infront of my computer, getting more and more obese (and working up to a higher risk of Type 2 Diabetes) with my lazy lifestyle of not wanting to be bothered by real life.
With the group disbanded because of Cola’s actions, I tried chilling with friends I haven’t in awhile. One of them introduced me to this world with inflatables– pool toy-like avatars. Found ones that looked kind of like dragons and grabbed the red one.
Went to go chill with Scooby, and that’s when I met -Stray-…. who, just a few days
later, who indirectly brought someone I swear I would never have another chance to be truly happy with, back to me. Though it was more of the lines of joining the world he’s
in, and bumping into.. Jero.
New year, new chance to make things right is what he wants, and I was extremely happy when he called me his BF infront of Kovo. This completely made up from what ruined it.
–
Jero and I have been together since then, and with September in literally less than 24 hours away, that means we’ve been a thing for just under 9 months now; the longest I ever had a relationship.
We’ve had our shortcomings, most I’ve forgotten what we were even doing that caused us to very temporarily break up. …However, this latest one (of my own feelings), could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I keep fighting these feelings (going by what he has posted in Kovo’s Discord). But what he’s posting to me directly, is conflicting with
his ‘love’ to me.
It isn’t really the fact he’s no longer saying “I love you” or asking me if I’m doing alright. None of those. It’s something, he said that’s been bugging me.

Three weeks ago, I see him coming online in VRChat. As usual (as in my mind I got to be with the one I love as much as possible), I quickly get in VR and try to join him. He never invited me, and logs off later. That right there was a big red flag, but I tried to contain myself saying “he was probably super tired and fell asleep infront of his laptop.” Instead I tried to hang with friends I haven’t seen awhile. 4am rolled in and I debated if I should just go to bed as nothing was really going on.
Timber pops into the world. Recently, him and his RL GF got married in VR (and probably in RL as well). We chilled and talked for awhile, then he asked me how’s Jero doing. Said he’s doing alright and just having to work a lot.
Then he asked me if me and him are a thing. …What an odd question, after what you said as your vow to your GF during your wedding; how she’s “always been there” for him and how the two are just perfect for eachother. Him asking this, only further increased my doubt of myself…
Just how much do I love Jero? What do I truly love about him, IRL (not in VRChat)? Honestly, I dunno, because I don’t know what he’s like IRL (apart from what he tells me). It’s been nearly 9 months, surely by now I should know everything about him, right…? So why can’t I give a convincing (to myself) answer, besides “his voice”?
And what the heck does he even love about me? I’ve tried to be as open as I can, but he keeps bouncing back shrugging off all of these ‘red flag’ blows? Is this a good thing? ….Or is he saying all of this just to make me happy?
For trying to love and appreciate the person behind the avatar, I questioned it since their wedding. I answered Timber with “yeah” in an unsure answer.
—
The next day, sure enough Jero did fall asleep. He tried to go see Timber’s GF, but fell asleep in VR. I felt really concerned for him, as that’s normal for a BF (feeling he’s working himself to death). He tells me as a way to escape his life for awhile, and it’s an understandable reason.., but I’m still worried if it’s even worth killing himself by working too hard.
Said he “doesn’t have a choice”, referencing it to COVID and saying this would possibly be his last chance to do this. Plus he also sees work as a getaway from his hellish life. A bit of a reverse from what most people say, but also completely understandable!
He appreciated my concerns for his health, then he said…
“its the only thing i have to keep me going for now“
The only thing, you have, to keep you going. ಠ_ಠ …What about ME, Jero? What about, my love?! Wouldn’t this be something else you have to keep you going?! And his response
was “you mean a lot to me too : )”, also saying he’s “so tired” and “not thinking straight”. *sigh* Alright, I’ll let it slide. Yet it still bugged me, so I questioned “And how much do I mean to you? Because you mean the world to me.”
Again, “I’m very tired” and “you mean a lot to me too : )” …WHY do I not believe you?? Yes you work, but… ugh. I dunno if I should believe you or not! It’s understandable that you’re tired, but I just got to fucking know! This kept going through my mind. I told myself not to ask him….. I asked him anyway, explaining how disrespectful this is and sincerely apologizing in advance if this hurts him, and told him what Timber said.
He suddenly went a bit offensive, saying “benie you mean a lot to me but if your not sure about us or if theres someone else then its ok, we can be friends”. …You’re, not even, trying to keep this relationship alive. Why? Is it from you being too tired to think? Or is this how you actually are…? Is this the real you, Jero? Is it?

He says, how this is the same thing of why him and Chris broke up.. now I feel bad, and trying to deescalate the situation. But he keeps going, saying “if there’s someone who makes u happier than i can dont think about me its your life” and “u have to help yourself before others, put yourself first”.
I keep trying to defuse the situation, saying “I still love you, so much. And I seriously doubt anyone would make me any happier.”, but it’s not helping as he gets progressively worse with his words, going dark. Saying he’s learned from VR relationships that they only love him “because of my voice”.. oof, that and they think he’s so happy but stop caring when they learn to know him as a person.
I explain to him that I still love the person behind the avatar. He just keeps getting
worse, now saying there’s been racial profiling, and also seeing it IRL too.
This gets to a point where he’s all “maybe I should act like a stereotypical black guy” (him not saying this but something similar).
Jero… Jero please stop. Looking back at this, this is something I must accept. Yeah, he can’t always be there, but I have to be the one that is different than all the others that have VR dated him. …Hell, I literally told him to “not worry about me” when one time he said he was going to work full time and probably not see me as much, yet he was also “no this is not what I want, I want to be with you”.
Apparently, RL (and COVID), he was forced to work full time (why he said he “has no choice”). …Yet what about all the times I want him to be on and all I got is the.. well, avatar-sized version of him as a doll? I can’t go to a public place or even to a Friends+ instance of Stray’s Theater with that out, and most of them giving me bad looks.
I mean maybe they’ll understand the fact he works hard and this is the only way he can ‘be here’.

Yet I can’t help but wonder about when he said how this was “the only thing” that’s keeping him going. ..Is it just me? Have I been looking at this all wrong? Was Fluffy right when he once had in his status: “VR relationships aren’t true love”? ..That the only way I’ll truly know I love him (and he loves me) is to meet him IRL, to live a day with him?
Perhaps so. All of this thought of “cheating” and stuff, it truly isn’t unless it’s an IRL relationship.
If you were to ask me “does Jero make you happy?”, I would immediately say “yes” without a second thought. But if you were to ask me “how does Jero make you happy?”… that would be a tough answer (that wouldn’t separate him of what would be considered as
a ‘very close friend’).
And THAT is why I’m typing this blog post. Would we be better off as friends? Would it help Jero, or cause him to be overly depressed of how alone he feels? …Is there even a relationship of love between us, or has it always only been just a ‘really close friendship’?
Have I been lying to myself all of this time, that he’s ‘the one’? At times I feel this. Meeting Jero and asking him to be my BF probably wasn’t love as first sight, but desperation to be loved.
Well, I got love. Yet why am I making this ridiculously long blog post? Because I don’t know anyone that truly knows Jero. Scooby agreed with me with the doubts, but he doesn’t truly know Jero.. only from the bad side with the whole money thing.
The only one that knows Jero, is himself (and obviously his family). And I am willing, if there’s a god-given miracle to visit him IRL, to know all about him. Then and only then will I know if I was right or wrong, for saying he’s ‘the one’. Then and only then, will love truly happen.
You can say “I love you” 20 billion times, but you can still feel unsure if you truly mean
it (unless you say it to their face).

.
It really stinks this is what it boils down to, but that’s the truth. There’s love, but you never know if both of you truly love eachother until you two meet IRL. I’m sure it’s like, meeting eachother all over again.

===============
Update (9/4/20): I finally opened up to him. Started with what he said about working full time and him not wanting to do that as he’ll never see me. Overall I tried my best to convince him that if this relationship ends.. it’ll be on him for the lack of communication.
I also referenced Scooby, in the form of when I told him about the doubts. Surprisingly, he responded…… but it wasn’t in the way I expected (at all). He got really, really upset at me for even bringing up Scooby’s name.. and I saw why– I made a huge error for not explaining the whole Scooby thing in detail. He assumed I recently talked to Scooby and was on “his side”… which wasn’t the reason I referenced him (at all).
What I was trying to reference, happened a long time ago when Jero was still dating Chris. When I told Scooby about my doubts with Jero, he agreed with me on that.
I tried my best to explain that I never intended to cause him pain, and it was a complete accident on my part for not properly explaining the situation. Said he got over it, but I still don’t feel he has fully forgiven me. I just.. need to be more careful in the future.
Honestly though, it’s kind of childish of him to still hold a grudge for something that happened over a year ago. Yes, Scooby wronged you and that was wrong of him, but you should not had gone ballistic when I said that. It happened over a year ago.. let it go.
–
Moving on, he said he’s really sorry for always being tired from working and wasn’t trying to ghost me. I believe him, and appreciate his honesty. I now know what he’s working towards, and again it’s understandable.
I am very relieved we don’t have to end the relationship because of this. Glad he communicated with me. So as of now, our relationship is still active. But he warns he likely won’t be able to talk to me for who knows how long until maybe he’s able to do what he wants to do. But I’m sure he’s going to have to work even after he gets what he wants done.
But at least the doubts of this are gone.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Don’t think my relationship with Jero is going to last much longer

[Is this pandemic truly legit? | Is Ashi still a threat? | Case stress | Bluescreens in VR | “Alexa, fix my Line In port!” | Virus ‘Alert!’]

Posted on 07-18-2020 by Benie

Greetings, it is time for another update of what’s been going on. Not as much as there
was last time, but the first two are major things that are still ongoing.
So let’s begin, with the first one that is still a threat to everyone on this planet; COVID-19. And how I currently feel about it.
Just a word of warning for the first subject.. there’s going to be a lot of political drama with it. If this kind of talk bothers you, then by all means click away from this blog post.
===================================
Is this pandemic truly legit?
I honestly don’t know where to start, just one day the fear of getting sick and dying from it overwhelmed my common sense and I lost it. I was told how masks had only 3.3% effectiveness and they wear down completely (and there’s no point cleaning them). He also posted something from Fox News claiming what the CDC isn’t telling people. I–I refused to believe it to the point I lost control. And even to this day I still don’t feel all there, I feel there’s so fucking much we don’t know about this virus.. if it’s going to wipe out the human race or if it’s just “a strong version of the flu” that’s only been hyped by the media.
However I have, slightly been backing down on worrying about it, amid the virus ridiculously increasing in the number of cases (beyond its outbreak in March, as if this is the ‘second wave’ that experts have been fearing).
And what I mean by “backing down” is eating in at a restaurant. However, my mask use is unchanged (and it’s not because our state is under a mask mandate).
The way I see it, I got more to worry about than suddenly not being able to breath– things that are preventable, such as my diet and other things I don’t wish to discuss as they’re too embarrassing and shameful to list. The virus won’t kill me… I’m killing myself from the way I live. In a way, the virus would be a “mercy kill” for my body.
I’m still taking all the necessary precautions (wear a mask, wash hands for 20 seconds, stay 6FT away from others). All of that. I’m trying to stay as safe as I can from this virus. And that’s really all I can do.

===================================
Is Ashi still a threat?

I’d like to re-title this to “I’ll be Watching You” and redoing the lyrics, as the ‘I’ll be watching you’ part is Kovo.
Second thing, a “threat” has been laughable.. yet his tactics to ruin the lives of others has caused friends of mine to alert the police against him. I’m talking about Ashi, and now it seems he’s using his followers to go after Kovo and Nova. ..Or so Kovo thinks, and his thinking, some of us feel is slowly tearing our community apart.
He rarely if ever plays VRChat anymore, and rarely do the chat channels of the Discord have a lot of people (compared to before). Kovo will likely never be what he was
before, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing (for him).
–
Apparently this has been going on since the fallout of Kovo and Nova (and how Nova’s trying to very slowly repair their friendship). But there was also a.. uh, I’m not sure what to call it, but a ‘sub thing’ or a ‘sub factor’. Let’s just say it’s something that happened that was a ‘sequel’ of what happened, that caused me to put my foot down and listen to Jero’s advice of how he deals with dramatic situations like I’m about to describe.
I was with Jero in a world I could only describe as ‘really romantic’, of the background; a nightshot of downtown Tokyo, while on a rooftop. Being with him, really felt magical. But I was also with other friends. Anyway, I was notified on my phone from Kovo about a ‘breakup’ with Vale. But instead of stopping what I’m doing and being with Vale, I wanted to be with Jero more (and he wanted to be with me).
Poor Jero though was nodding off and we finally got him to head to bed, but before he did he went to go see Kovo. I stayed there for awhile, talking to other friends.
Eventually I did go to see Kovo, thinking Jero might still be there. When I arrived, I saw Vale being hugged by Cyber. I also, in the corner of my eye.. saw King Chris there. “The fuck is he doing here??” I wondered.
–
I got my answer directly from him a bit later; him claiming he’s there for Vale (claiming he “wants him here”). I’m not gonna lie, he sounded pretty convincing to me. Said he wanted to move away from his presence meaning there’s drama.
Either way, Vale clearly needed support. Kandy broke up with him– an open relationship gone wrong, it seems. Kandy ERP’d with Cyber, which is a no-no in Vale’s eyes (as he never approved it).
We went to another world, but when I arrived it was just myself and Chris. He claimed Vale “didn’t want” Kovo and Nova here over their arguments and stuff, but wouldn’t keep the two from joining. He also told me to keep the two away from Vale when they do
join (claiming Vale didn’t want to speak to them). The two did join, and I tried to do what Chris said but Kovo stayed with Vale as much as he could.
Chris ran back to me while I was talking to Nova about the situation. I apologized to
him, saying I tried. He told me not to worry about it and stuff. Little did I know this was an underhanded, but smart tactic called “information grabbing” he was doing to me. Nova was recording the entire thing, feeling Chris was being quite suspicious. …I never really felt anything off (when I should had). Why is he coming up to me, if he cares for Vale so much? And why, did it never fucking come to me sooner..?! ….Oy. I never even saw he was doing an underhanded, but smart trick called “information grabbing”.
Anyway, he said he was going to get Vale to get off as their condition was getting
worse, not caring if they die from alcohol poisoning. This also didn’t sit well with Kovo, but at the time I wanted to give Chris a chance. Kovo felt Chris was taking advantage of Vale and use him for sex, especially when Chris (on my phone) told me Vale was “buck naked”.
Kovo was losing it. I told him Chris isn’t going to take advantage of Vale. He suddenly turns to me and screams “I… KNOW BETTER!!!”
That was enough for me. Told him I’m done and left, as that really upsetted me. He did apologize later on and said he shouldn’t had done that. However I still wanted to distance myself from Kovo for awhile over all of this drama shit. Anyway, Vale did survive (Chris helped him, and he didn’t take advantage). But again I wanted to stay away from this. I kept wishing I wasn’t there. Went to Jero about this for advice, again he didn’t want to get involved. So if I want to free myself from this ‘guilt’ of wanting to be there for my friends, I have to think like him.. and that’s what I’ve been doing.
Kovo and I have been speaking again, and I also have proof that Chris was indeed information grabbing. He also lied of something he said about a friend of
mine (RamesTheGeneric) suddenly being on his side after him giving up on Rusty. I talked with Rames about this, and he never did; he’s been neutral this whole time and remains as such. Though it is possible that Chris didn’t lie, but possibly misheard Rames.
–
Vale’s still understandably heartbroken over the breakup with Kandy, but this has lead to the main event; Ashi and his followers. This time I wasn’t in VRChat. Kovo said that another friend of mine (Shadow_the_Lonewolf) was rude to Vale and trying to get close to Nova. And the mess with Shadow has been growing since.
Yesterday, I semi-confronted Shadow. I asked him “did you not see Kovo?” when I saw him giving more than just a normal hug to Nova. He turned offensive against me, asking why I asked such a question. Gee, I don’t know.. maybe you’re UP TO SOMETHING?! This got the attention of the group I was with, also curious into Shadow’s actions. Shadow’s
all “I hate it when people accuse me of coming in here to mess with people. It pisses me off”. Yet for someone that is innocent of this, he was looking for Nova (in a very clever
way, using the crowd to blend in).
Usually I don’t believe things until they actually happen (except in certain situations, like when it came to Fluffy and DJ and everyone saying not to trust DJ’s words.. and what Fluffy saying, proving what Kovo said). Anyway, this time I actually believed Kovo as I saw it with my own eyes; Shadow was looking for Nova, working for Ashi.
Sadly, “just block him” isn’t an option this time. He likely has alt accounts, and he probably reported to Ashi that I’m a possible threat to their plans. And if so, I’m going to have to watch myself. Likely he or his friends might turn my friends against me.. and it could be exactly what happened that got me banned from the Best Boi server.
That is, if Kovo’s truly right, Ashi might try it. Then again he could be all “I have nothing against Benie.”
Either way, as I said I’m going to have to watch myself. Anyone that starts joining off of me that doesn’t usually do so, I have to monitor. Anyone that starts asking me questions that aren’t normal, I have to monitor. Eyes and Ears, open.
…If they go after Jero, though, they will pay. They will definitely pay. Which is why I have informed him to watch out for anyone that gets a bit too friendly with him (and asks personal questions).

===================================
Case stress
Moving on, 3rd thing. ‘Case stress’. IRL drama with myself and my mother, that so far has reached a good conclusion. However it’s not fully done yet (at the time of this typing).
My mother’s computer, is shit. She wants an upgrade, and wanted my help to achieve it. I offered to give her my old hardware (the FX 4350 and its board), but at the same time I was kind of leery of doing it… especially with how old her case is. She needs a new
one.
For a long time, this conversation never came back up. Now suddenly, she wants my case and is willing to buy me a case where I can swap my hardware and give her mine.
I had my eye on this case eversince I was recommended to get it by Zagro and my ex. My mother paid for it and it came, but I never got to work; been putting it off for the longest time on the promise she would give me all the time I need to do this.
Lie Lies GIF - Lie Lies Liar GIFs
She did the opposite, saying she was getting tired of how slow her computer is. I told her that I didn’t really want to do this (and I remember telling her before). Yet I didn’t want to get rid of the case for the sole reason I was worried my old case’s fans would die out due to how old the case is.
I told her “I’ll get to it, I just need help”. Days passed and she kept saying “why’d you buy it if it’s too hard for you??” and wanting to throw it in the garbage, having no compassion for computers (and kept calling it a ‘cabinet’).
Then one day I asked Jero if he wouldn’t mind helping me with this. He was worried at first, having never did this through Discord. He was more concerned with the bitrate of my speed when it comes to streaming (if I’m going to get cut off a lot). But I never once told him I never bought the case (she did).
I wanted it to happen that Saturday of the week. As the week went by, I got more and more nervous (since I never did something like this). Yet even though I had a date set, my mother still didn’t like the fact I wasn’t doing it right then and there; saying I’m “making up excuses” to not give her a computer. Told her I wasn’t, and I got “a friend” that would help me with this. Finally, she let it go.
–
Saturday came (August 1st). Did it earlier as I was eating at Waffle House. Came home and we started. Jero did his best to be there, even all the way to 6 in the morning (my
time, 11am his).
The biggest headache of the case swap, was these little annoying fuckers…

FPCs (Front Panel Connectors for short)…these fucking, tiny pins that are the bane of all PC builders!! You know the ones that say ‘POWER SW’ and ‘HDD LED’.. those
fuckers.
And they were exceptionally difficult for me, as they kept popping out moments after placing them in. This took, the longest time. It actually gave me PTSD. Even one time I finally had them in as the last thing I needed to do before plugging everything in and hoping I didn’t fuck up. …Computer didn’t want to boot, and Jero discovered they all had popped out (again).
Nearly 6 in the morning, hearing poor Jero snoring from sleep deprivation of staying with me all morning (his snoring is so cute, by the way 😊), I said “fuck it.. it’s nearly 6 in the morning. I’ll do this later.” My heart was pounding and I was sweating profusely from stress.
That morning, Jero called me asking if I was OK. I moaned and groaned, he knew I was still having trouble with those connectors. I had a desperate idea, if he should show me images of his build (and how he did it). And he did, while talking to his brother.
I finally saw where I was fucking up all of that time. I needed to flip the main cable 180*. The tension is quite high, that’s why they’re popping out.
So I did that. And after come finesse, I FINALLY had the fuckers in (where they wouldn’t move anymore). Jero wanted to be there to see it boot, and… it BOOTED!! 👍

But my issues didn’t stop there… my D drive (primary Games drive) wasn’t showing
up, and my F drive (external backup drive) kept disconnecting and reconnecting.
What was strange, the SATA power cable was unplugged for my E drive. ..So how in the fuck is it affecting my D?! Did I install the drives backwards??
Jero suggested I switch the SATA cables (to see if one of them might be going bad). I
did, and my D drive came back up! Phew.
Now I had another issue, an issue I’ll be listing in the section after the below one.

===================================
Bluescreens in VR
This section has to do with bluescreens when in VR (was before the case swap). Playing BONEWORKS, I was getting annoyed of the cable always getting in the way when trying to aim or reload my weapon.
I wanted to extend the cable, so I went on Amazon and found this and this. Bought
them, got them, went through hell to attach them to my computer (due to the number of cables back there), but I got it done and I love it. Infact it was able to allow me to scan my entire room as a boundary.
The next few days, I started having issues. Was in VRChat, trying to solo one of those escape room-type of worlds (that I saw a friend do). Suddenly, bluescreen.
BSD Star Trek GIF - BSD StarTrek Error GIFs
No, not that kind of bluescreen.. thank fuck. 😅 More like, be chilling with friends, then suddenly blue fills my eyes.
Readers recommend: songs about the colour blue – results | Music ...
Yeah, THAT shade (and type) of blue (in my headset)! I asked r/WindowsMR, and they told me it’s a power issue with the USB 3.0 extension cable.
Said I need a ‘powered USB 3.0 hub’.. yet, why? I already have one of those in the form of an internal card (specifically for issues like this with my old headset)! Welp.. the power apparently isn’t going to reach that far. There’s a lot of signal loss, which causes the bluescreens. I have to have something in-between the extension cable and the cable that connects to my headset.
Something like this. The best way to look at this is to think of Minecraft’s Redstone
system. The repeaters that boost the power back up to 15. They lose their power the longer the ‘cable’ gets, and need repeaters to keep the power at 15.
My headset however, seems to require more than ’15’ power to keep its tracking stable. They warn me this might not even work.. that most headsets don’t work AT ALL with extension cables. Getting this thing is a bit of a gamble, that to the time of this typing I don’t know if it’s going to fix the issue (outside of just not using the extension cables).
A few friends of mine didn’t believe it was a power issue, and told me to plug the USB 3.0 cable directly to my motherboard. Jero on the other hand, thought it would had been possible to plug it into the front panel’s USB 3.0 port.
…Both ideas failed to work. Tried the thing Jero suggested in the past, it HAS to be connected to the back of your computer; no exceptions. And the second thing, almost constant blue screens and major static/audio dropouts. Switching ports, fixed the static sounds (but not the bluescreens). Final straw was my headset freezing up and crashing SteamVR.
Went back to not using extension cables… no issues since. The other friend is blown away with how impossible the suggestion didn’t work (and actually made the problem worse).
As I said, my only hope for convenience rests in this powered USB 3.0 hub (or ‘repeater’ in this case) working of keeping my headset stable– allowing me to chill on my bed while in VR.

===================================
“Alexa, fix my Line In port!”
The second thing of computer issues. …I think I did something when I was installing the motherboard (that Jero didn’t see me do), because its Line In port doesn’t work right anymore.
Line In is what I use for an AUX cable that connects my Amazon Echo Dot to my computer’s audio. Someone I knew helped me set this up (through hell on days end it took to do so). I’m able to play music though my mic, which allows others to hear it.
Or.. it did until the case swap. Now, nothing comes out. In Voicemeeter, I tried to increase the gain and I can barely make out any music (outside of the static). I tried doing everything I could trying to think of what could be causing it, but to no avail.
Managed to get in contact with the ‘someone I knew’ from the past, but I had to make it sound that I wasn’t asking for help.
He suggested to get this. Got it, and that worked (and still does)! Though I still have to fine tune the volume sliders for it to not sound full-on bass boost.
…Though, I feel this is a solemn victory. I still don’t know what I did that damaged
the Line In port on the motherboard (or even how to prevent it from happening again). The only thing I can think of, is I scratched something on the bottom by complete accident when I was installing it. Or it could had been the way I placed it in the I/O shield.
I didn’t kill the port, it just.. won’t do what it was designed anymore. The same goes for my Nintendo Switch (the HDMI Audio/Video Splitter)– I too can’t hear anything from it.

===================================
F drive ‘failing’…? / Virus ‘Alert!’

A two parter I have for you today (August 15th).
First off, remember those issues I mentioned I was having with my external (after the case swap)? Well, the drive might be dying on me. Since the swap, I’ve been hearing ‘clicking’ sounds coming from it. And I read when you start to hear this, it’s a sure sign your drive could “die at any moment”. Yet I also read it might be possible the drive might not be getting enough power… hmm. First my headset, now this?
Anyway, I’ve finished backing up everything off of it into one of my internal drives, and have bought a 2TB external drive that should arrive on or before my birthday.
—
So that’s just the first part of this. The second part, of Windows Security finding lots and lots of PUPs and ‘viruses’ (aka trainers I’ve downloaded years ago). Did a full scan after removing everything off the external, and this is the result…

…The scan’s already complete. Plus it keeps mentioning of ‘severe’ viruses still on my not connected anymore external drive (that it seems to not know what to do with anymore).
I can’t seem to tell Windows “FUCK OFF… these are false positives and NOT HARMFUL!!”
I had to run another scan of my external (this time actually having time to kill for it), and told it “ignore them! They aren’t viruses!” and Windows was like “alright!”, and now says no threats are detected.
Mmm. I think I can see now why Windows Defender is shit. It isn’t really ‘defending’ compared to a bloatware antivirus (like AVG). Yeah, I said it. I’d rather keep Windows Defender.

–
And so that’s all I have for you. That was a lot of news to go over, and more will likely come in the future.

Posted in Drama, Personal, Politics | Comments Off on [Is this pandemic truly legit? | Is Ashi still a threat? | Case stress | Bluescreens in VR | “Alexa, fix my Line In port!” | Virus ‘Alert!’]

The latest [Kitten no more, (Fr)lationship troubles, ‘son’ needs help, Internet issues, Water Heater down, The Night Begins to Yawn (2)]

Posted on 07-14-2020 by Benie

Hey again, still alive and kicking. Thought now’s the time to catch you folks up to speed of what’s been going on with me. I’m actually surprised most of you care for me (going by the number of nice emails I’ve been getting).
Anyway, let’s begin on something that I’m glad it’s done, but I really wish it didn’t have to come to it. This has also been a month of “doing the right thing” or “stepping away and letting them burn”. It felt like an episode of ‘What Would YOU Do?’ Would you stick with your friend and support them, or would you try your best to ignore it and walk away? ..Yet also knowing you wouldn’t be a good friend.
==========
We found a nice home for the kitten, approximately 3 weeks ago to this day. It was like an angel had arrived at our front door in the form of a woman who was trying to once again sell the whole Gutter Guard thing to my parents. They’ve been trying to get this going, but the first time their creditor turned down a loan because of their credit. So they’ve been reduced to only doing it on one side of the house (that floods the most, our backyard).
Anyway, the woman saw the kitten and heard my mother’s pleas for someone to find him a good home. Though before, my friend (Wildboy) who kind of lives near me in Kentucky, it hasn’t been good.
When I told him about the kitten and how my mother’s looking, he was interested.. but my mother had doubts; saying he’s “too far” for a kitten to handle and all of this– kept on flip-flopping her mind which was only confusing him. There was also this thing my mother didn’t like about Wildboy having to ask his parents. She felt “if he truly wants the kitten, he would be rushing over here”; that he “was never truly interested”. *facepalm*
Anyway, back to the ‘angel’. She called later that day, saying she found a home for the kitten. That’s awesome!! And sure enough, she came in the person’s behalf to pick him up.
Odd thing is she kept calling the kitten a ‘her’. Had to remind the woman that the kitten is a boy (going by the blue ribbon it had).
Anyway, the woman and the kitten left.. I started crying my heart out. I warned myself not to get attached, but I did…. and god damn does it hurt to say goodbye. But she promised me the new owner would send me pictures of the kitten every day. ….That promise has been unfulfilled as I’ve only gotten pictures of the first and second days (and nothing since then). But, oh well. That kitten should had never shown up anyway. I never really owned him… or I should I say “her”: for the woman called back later and said “Shadow is a
girl” (despite the blue ribbon). So all of this time, I’ve been assuming its sex.
Wow.

================

(Kovo and Nova in a nutshell)

Alright, second thing. Both this and the 3rd are VRChat-related. This… this has been going on for.. three months now..? But about a month ago, is when everything went south. And who I’m talking about, is Kovo and Nova. I kept hoping the two would be a happy couple. Unfortunately, it never was (and the two are on the brink of losing their friendship too).. all over one lie. But it was a BIG lie (at least in Kovo’s eyes).
I was waiting for Kovo to play Monster Hunter: World with me. I had just got Master rank and needed help from him in figuring out what gear would work (in hopes I could solo these ridiculously powerful monsters). This game isn’t like WoW (at all), where I could go on hiatus for months and wait for the next expansion). No no no.. you have to complete the story before you can play the next one! ..Anyway, Kovo got back and told me that Nova left him to “go fuck someone else”. And this seems to have been her theme since Day 1. Everytime he’d offered to ‘help’ her with her.. sexual desire, she would turn it down. This time, he caught her red handed (and was understandably pissed off).
With how long it’s been, I wanted him to stand up for himself; to stop letting Nova walk over him (if this is the truth– and usually Kovo tells the truth). Wanted him to speak from his heart. And with my guidance, it made Nova realize she needs to stop this.
…Or so Kovo thought. Kovo’s been monitoring Nova’s actions, and discovered time and time again that she’s been lying to him (about not ERPing with anyone else). I, didn’t really want– *sigh*.
–
I’ve been trying my damnest to play as a peacekeeper of the two for the longest time, but at times I had to walk away in pure frustration. Every time I felt “I got this under
control”.. it feels Kovo fucks it up with his ‘paranoia’.
Now I know I haven’t really been seeing this from both sides (as I’m more Kovo’s friend than Nova’s). Kovo’s paranoia was fueled of what he went through as he was growing up; literally having to rough it and watch his surroundings all the time. Because of this, he has heightened senses and can see through lies a lot better than most people.
Nova, again I don’t really know her as much as Kovo. I know she gets depressed quite easily (and has lots of panic attacks). And yesterday, I decided to finally have a long talk with her.
…She, admitted, she lied to Kovo (multiple. times). …WHY?!?! DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO HIM?! She claims she does, and from what I read her words feel authentic. She wants to end this, once and for all. But Kovo wants none of this. He refuses to hear her out, with how many times she’s lied to him.
I can see this from Kovo’s side, that this is probably more lies. But I also see Nova’s side with how serious she appears in hopes to fix this.
Vale on the other hand, feels both of them are at fault here (and refuses to take either side). I’m just not seeing it though. And I honestly would rather bury my head in the sand and do something else, than hear Kovo continue to say just how much of a bitch Nova is for lying to him.
I would rather the two to defuse the situation on a final chance that if Nova lies
again, THEN it’s over with the two. But at this time, I just don’t see this being fixed anytime soon. Maybe in 4-5 months, there might be a chance? *shrug*

=============
3rd thing. Happened the day after Kovo caught Nova cheating on him. This one has to do with DJ and Kat. Began to suspect something’s going on with the two few days ago (of when the above started). I saw Kat and DJ in separate worlds, with DJ in the
world “Sad Boi Hill”. Yet Kat still had DJ with him in his pfp. So, maybe DJ was just going through something, and Kat was giving him space..? That was my thought at the time.
The day I was on VRChat, I saw Kat and a few others in the world “Get a Room!” And DJ wasn’t there.
Later that evening, Fluffy starts messaging me; begging for someone to come on and comfort him. Odd. Don’t you have friends for that? He claims he’s “got no one to turn to”. So I get on to help him out with that, then ask him what’s going on. Says all of his friends suddenly went hostile, and “someone” was accusing him of stealing DJ’s fursona. ..Huh??
Fluffy, I know you. There’s no way you would stoop that low. I asked him who was the person that did… it was DJ himself. The FUCK?!
Fluffy showed me the avatar DJ accused him of, and honestly it looks NOTHING like DJ’s fursona!! On top of that, Fluffy tells me the weeks and months DJ has been unkind to Fluffy– literally doing what Kovo warned me DJ would do.
…Ok, DJ. This became personal, bud. Even though he’s not my son anymore, he’s still one of my closest friends. And when you go after him, I go after you. I just, wish I saw it sooner.
–
Upon hearing what DJ did to Fluffy, I left his Discord and blocked him. I don’t really care about his stupid Dutchie Meetups anymore… they are literally what you do in VRChat, any day. But whatever.
We were discussing about what happened in VRChat. I noticed DJ had changed his pfp that didn’t include Kat (and he had a broken heart). I said “the two broke up!” Jero was with us, and he said that can’t be true of what Kat told him. And he told us things that apparently, he wasn’t supposed to. He claims the two were having an issue, but were going to “iron it out”. I told him “looks like it may’ve failed from what I’m seeing”. He also personally talked to Kovo about Kat wanting to be friends again.
Nova started DMing Kovo by then, confirming what I said; the two officially broke up. I called it!
Yet there was three problems after that.
1. Kovo felt Fluffy needed to prove his innocence (to get DJ off his back).
2. Jero surprisingly didn’t see Fluffy begging for help.
3. Jero didn’t want to help me when Lich wanted to talk to me about what happened.
—
The first thing, I went to my first world so we could discuss this in private. Well, just myself and Fluffy (as Kovo saw Nova on and told us to get to another world). There I saw the proof he never copied DJ’s fursona.. it wasn’t even his fault. It was a friend of his that made the model. The problem with that was finding a name, but I was able to find one.
Kovo wanted me to use OBS to record Fluffy explaining this mess, but.. I dunno how to use it. Have to wait for Kovo to get here. He eventually did, but doesn’t have the space to record. Found out Nova does. And after a few rehearsals (of myself telling Fluffy to keep it short and to the point), she had him recorded. I cuddled Fluffy after that, as he really needed one. You may not be my son, but you still have a special place in my heart.
And all of that time, I couldn’t help but feel.. “where’s Jero?” He was on at the time, but never asked to join us.
*sigh* I’ve noticed he’s been doing this quite a lot lately. Like he wants to let me do what I want. I appreciate that, but… I wouldn’t be a loving boyfriend if I wasn’t there with
him (at least most of the time). There will always be times when one of us will need
some “me time”, of course. I just want to be there with him, whenever I can (and give him all the love I have for him).
I don’t feel he’s doing what Nova is. He knows better, and knows what will happen. I don’t need to remind him.
—
Second thing, like I said, Fluffy never told Jero about this. Though it also shouldn’t really be surprising given the hell Jero went through to help him get his PC working again. He says he still cares for Fluffy, and that’s better than not caring at all. ..And this thought is what saved me from ending my relationship with him.
—
And finally, Kovo asking me if it’s OK for Lich to ask me what’s going on. I said “sure” and told him everything, word for word… including what Jero told us. I wanted him to talk to Lich too about this, but he wouldn’t; saying he wanted to stay out of this. He also seemed to show great concern that I leaked out what he said to us of what Kat said to him.
He seemed to had forgotten.. he did the leaking, saying that he promised Kat he wouldn’t repeat what she said. If you weren’t supposed to tell us, then.. why did you tell us? lol
But anyway, he also didn’t want to tell Lich anything; feeling it would jeopardize his friendship with Kat. I was very upset at him, as he seemed to not care that DJ was bullying Fluffy.. his son. I told Kovo about this and he could understand my frustration, but said that Jero doesn’t have to tell Lich anything. You’re not wrong, I know he doesn’t.. but STILL. Fluffy’s his SON!!
But when Jero told me that he still cares for him, it calmed me down and I greatly apologized for snapping. He could understand why I got upset, and everything was alright after that.
-=-
I’ve spoken to Fluffy recently. Says he’s staying away from people he suspects are friends with DJ, and hasn’t been bothered by DJ himself. So that’s good. Glad he’s saying safe.

===============
Forth thing, we move to IRL issues with this and the others. About a week ago, I finally got what felt like 2-3 weeks of not knowing what the hell is going on with my internet connection. The issue was having the connection suddenly drop out with my cable modem resetting. “It could be COVID-related” I thought. “It could be heat-related”.
With the kitten gone, gave me the green light to get them out here and at least take a look. And with mask in hand (and sometimes on my face), I waited for the technician to list the culprit to the issue and got one– squirrels chewing on the line going from the house to the telephone poles. The technician said how the signal was “bad.. very bad”. After he replaced the cable and saw all green on the signal, I haven’t had that issue happen since.
Very happy with the results. 🙂

===============
Fifth thing, something we’ve been dealing for a few weeks. Our water heater is busted, and it feels we’re getting the run around to fix it. A week ago, got a technician.. that all they did was clean the intake filter and left. The water got luke warm and my parents were told
to “wait 24/48 hours” for the water to warm up, but the heater never kicked on.
This Monday, the same technician came out and saw “ah, you got a broken burner and a gas valve! It’s going to take ANOTHER TWO WEEKS until you get the parts!”
WTF?!?! We waited a WEEK for you to say that, and now we have to wait an additional two weeks?! Mother swears they’re delibertly doing this with how old the water heater is. It’s from 2008, which means the heater is 22 years old.
The parts might come sooner than those two weeks (from UPS). When they do, the technician can get to work making the repairs to our water heater, and hopefully by then we’ll be able to take showers and properly wash our hands again.

================

And finally… last Friday, we all (well, I did) waited for Cartoon Network to show the new movie from Teen Titans Go!: The Night Begins to Shine 2.
I don’t typically talk about music, or TV shows in this blog. However, the original and this deserves to be talked about. First off.. I can’t believe this is AN ACTUAL SONG (and B.E.R is an actual band)!! I thought this is something they made up for the first The Night Begins to Shine special. It is.. such a good song!! 😀
However, the second movie they did.. wasn’t so good. The original, was awesome! The dragon (and the person that voiced him) was so badass, that he became my favorite character. It felt, just.. great whenever it went back to him! And the story around it felt tight and powerful; how Fall Out Boy and that one singer came to assist them and those battle scenes.. holy fuck they were so good. I do admit they were a bit corny, but I felt moved during it.
The second movie, didn’t move me. It felt very rushed, and the main baddy didn’t really seem that interested in stopping them in achieving their task (or even trying to slow them down). I was really hoping the plot was to bring the dragon back. Without that dragon, it felt flat. Not to mention they kind of ripped off Tron: Legacy in one scene. I think it’s the fact they went for an episodic approach; having three parts of the movie (so they can throw commercials in later). They didn’t do that for the original– it felt like an actual animated movie.
–
A good way of showing the difference between the baddies;
First movie: The dragon was always there, demanding for the song to be returned to him. The voice actor outstandingly assumed a dragon, having nearly unlimited power. Yet he feared the return of B.E.R. to ruin his reign of terror. The only way he could make sure of that is to take the song. And he just kept showing more of his power, even taking the
song “from your metal bones”.. and that didn’t make him badass enough, they had him wear shades near the ending!!
Evil Dragon/Gallery | Teen Titans Go! Wiki | Fandom
co/ - Comics & Cartoons » Thread #95983797
There’s no mistake, the badass level of this character is easily over 9,000. The
artwork, animation and voice is just.. perfect. Absolutely perfect. Sorry for fangirling there. lol
—
Second movie: (not trying to reveal spoilers..) All powerful warlord, thought he had defeated them and ‘tried’ to slow them down (more like using his henchmen).. yet literally allowed them to gather the things to bring B.E.R. back. Way too many “long
ago..” sequences. Though I’ll admit near the end, how he crushed the orbs and everyone was thinking “it’s over”.. that was actually pretty good. Then this magical miracle
happens (that honestly shouldn’t had)… again it felt rushed. They could had done this entire movie so. much. better than it was.
Bring back the dragon!! He was beyond badass! Your main baddy is BORING in this one!!

And that completes this really, really long blog post. If you made it all the way
here (without skipping), that’s awesome! I shall see you folks at another time, with more.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on The latest [Kitten no more, (Fr)lationship troubles, ‘son’ needs help, Internet issues, Water Heater down, The Night Begins to Yawn (2)]

A moody me

Posted on 06-17-2020 by Benie

Tryptophan in Mood, Anxiety, and Depression | Brain Blogger
What is a ‘mood’? A feeling of sadness. A feeling of happiness. A feeling of frustration. A feeling of doubt (of myself).
With me, it’s one of those things musicians used to use that has that big arm, which swings right to left. It’s when I can suddenly change from being happy to feeling frustrated on a dime.. and how hard it is to get off of that ‘frustrated’ mood.
That device keeps ticking back and forth, cycling my many moods. And right now it’s not pointing at ‘happy’… it keeps switching between ‘depressed’, ‘angry’, and ‘frustrated’; when I want to snap at anyone over my lack of understanding the ‘joy’ of learning new
things, and feeling “this isn’t going to work out” with Jero (yet not wanting to break his heart).
—
But first, I want to switch gears and talk about something else (before I talk about gaming-related things that technically have no business being in here, but also aren’t full-on gaming). And that, is apparently I’m now an unofficial kitten owner. Yes, you heard right. I have a kitten in my room that I’m responsible for. …I never asked for this, though. I want my normal life back.
This is what it looked like sometime after it ‘arrived here’;

Used to have a blue bow around its neck (but we since snipped it off), so it’s to be assumed it’s a he. But then again we aren’t fully sure. But before he unfortunately came into our lives, I was dealing with more parental issues.
The night before the kitten showed up, we were discussing replacing a broken window my mother caused by mistake of the day one of my father’s friends decided to help clean our gutters. Was infront of my computer as normal, when I heard the sound of breaking glass coming from the window above my bed. Mother was to throw a broom handle up the
roof, but missed and it hit my window instead…
Anyway, at 9am I’m being yelled at by both of them (especially by father), who’s saying he’s tired of me “sleeping all day” and puts a curfew on my head of 11pm that I have to go to bed.
I’m trying to convince mother that “I’m not a kid anymore! I can go to bed whenever I want to!”… but I don’t have a leg to stand on when I’m still living under their roof. ..FUCK this made me so angered and frustrated as I’m trying to think while in the utility room.
–
Suddenly I hear a knock on the back door. Turn around and see a woman with a kitten in her hands, asking me “is this your cat?” Uhhh… please hold and I’ll be right back with you.
I run back and tell mother, who’s all “..oh no”. I never told her at the time what the woman was asking me about, only “there’s someone at the back door that has a kitten!” My mind was freaking out.
Went back to my room, hearing the woman and mother talking. I was hoping mother would say “no, we don’t want another cat. I’m sorry” (as she has gone through so much pain losing multiple cats over the years). Instead, she opens up the door and I see the kitten in her hands. …You didn’t say no?! She tells me to watch it while she gets some
food, saying it’s “starving to death”. Later, after the kitten now has lots of food and
water, she tells me that this woman found the kitten near the garbage bins in the parking lot near us.
Yet she regrets accepting the kitten, wishing why this mysterious woman didn’t decide to take care of the kitten herself. And honestly, she’s right there. The woman seemed to have changed her story between myself and my mother.. and I have a theory SHE is the one that left that kitten there and then tries to put it on us after seeing we have cats.
It just seems awfully suspicious why she never offered to leave her contact info with my mother (incase the owner decided they wanted it back).
But anyways, the kitten (who I named ‘Shadow’) is healthy and doing well. 😺

He likes running around my room, playing with the toys we bought him (also likes playing with my fingers). He also likes hiding in spots I’m afraid he’ll get trapped in. And so, that’s about it for him.
=========================================

Now I will go over a few VRChat-related things. First off, I have access to Kovo’s ‘Furry Village’ world. Remember before when I said how I was going to extend the date that Jero and I got virtually married, because of Kovo’s world? Well I had ‘found’ the issue that has been plaguing it for a very long time… it was the Shaggy, using only 1% of his power to destroy anyone trying to join the world.
But how I fixed it was removing all NPCs from the world.
Since then I fixed long-lasting bugs with the world, and managed to
in the process of having two polls going on in the Mystery Skulls Discord server. The first poll is if I should add things to ‘clean’ the world, and the second is if the community wants NPCs back (minus the Shaggy one of course).
–
Now then, it was in VRChat when I was with Blue and Wufy (they’re a couple now) and I was talking about Monster Hunter: World (how it’s a grindfest of what I’ve seen). Blue tells me it’s not and how you’re given armor that will get you through the entire game. Interesting. Kovo tries to sweeten things up, making it even more interesting.
Then Blue does something that I swear he wishes he didn’t (for his sanity)– offering Kovo and myself a chance to play this VR game called ‘A Township Tale’. It’s a game that Blue claims you can play with friends and do professions to run the town. I was on the fence of if it was worth getting into this game (as I don’t feel much of a gamer as I was in the past). Plus I felt rushed by Kovo. Blue on the other hand was all “if you guys are interested, you can go here.”
Yet everytime when I was thinking to try the game, Wufy kept deterring me from doing so. What happened to ‘encouraging’ one to try out a game? Yet I have to forgive Wufy for what he’s gone through in the past (not as nice). But I did eventually decide to try it out.
I won’t go over what I felt about the controls, but I kind of liked the core of the game. ..What I wasn’t told is how ridiculously large of a group you need to progress in it; where it literally forces you to play with others. When Blue told me how it can “take a month” to build a bridge, I assumed it was the crafting aspect (like Wurm is with its number grinding core of skilling).
Noooo… no no no. Nothing like that. You have the ‘skill’, yes.. but it’s based on YOU, in VR, if you can do the skill. If your arms can handle repeated movements (aka being able to do a bunch of songs in Beat Saber with no sweat), you’re skilled enough to handle Mining and Woodcutting/Carpentry. The force of your swing (IRL) determines the success
rate, and your ‘Stamina bar’. It’s cruel, yet also beautiful at the same time.
Wurm Online in VR, much? …If only this early alpha game allowed you to start a town with a small group (of 2-4 VR players), because THIS is what made me quit. We weren’t really progressing when most of the time it was just myself and Kovo.
—
And here’s where it has gotten ‘ugly’… Kovo doesn’t seem to care that you need a really large group to progress! Claims he’s played a game similar to this, and completed it. Wufy has tried convincing him to get rid of that mindset for this game, but to no avail. And
now, I have given up as well. And Kovo felt I was mad at him.
Even more so, now that I have Monster Hunter: World. See, Kovo made a deal with me to get a private server for the previous game (which costs $9.95 a month, but gives you other supporter benefits) and he will buy me a game. Feeling pressured to make a decision (I could feel he really wanted that server), I chose Monster Hunter World.
And this game, it’s on desktop. Though I was pissed off how it lacked the ability to customize your keybinds.. every single one of them showed as ‘invalid’ and wouldn’t let me overwrite the defaults. Yet since then I felt I wasn’t being fair to the game, and decided to give it another chance. Glad I did. Also Kovo told me I could use my Nintendo Switch Pro controller (since my computer doesn’t like my easily breakable PS4 controller).
Since then, that’s what I’ve been doing. Only problem is trying to memorize the buttons in my head (much like typing class back in school, that I’m so glad I took). I literally don’t know how I remember which key is what when I type.. I just ‘do’. Weeks of practice I guess.

But that problem is just with the controller.. there are problems with the game too. And that is how it makes me kind of upset I still know so little with this game (as the game throws so much at you (at such an early game) and expects you to instantly know what they are and how to use them).
Though I did find my weapon of choice (the Light Bowgun.. SOO much better than the Bow as there isn’t any combo moves I must learn).. yet I hope and PRAY I can stick with this weapon through the rest of the game.
–The weapon upgrade screen makes me so clueless. It looks like a traditional tier-based system, but there’s multiple other ways to upgrade that the majority are all locked to me. I guess I’m not high enough with my Hunter rank to unlock them…? 🤷‍♂️ I don’t fucking know! If someone could clear this up, that would be awesome.
–What the hell are ‘Kinsects’?
…And then there’s the coup-de-grace of why I’m no longer playing it (even though I kind of know what to do, for the first part). A side quest of capturing one of the bird-like monsters that can pick up rocks. Kovo tried showing me how to make a trap, but it ended up with confusion and frustration. Felt I wasn’t really learning anything, just “go here, go
there, click that” is all I heard from him. Then we enter free roam and he’s telling me to get this and that to replenish my special ammo types for the gun. Again, more confusion and frustration.. at the time at least. I then looked carefully at the ammo types and started understanding after that point.
Then came when he’s telling me about how you can go back to the main hub world and cultivate these plants to make more. Simple enough..? Hell no. From what I
understand, certain plants require you to complete a certain number of quests until they become available. Personally I’d rather wait an X amount of hours or days until they’re ready. Then I’m hearing about ‘brackets’ and stuff and… WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED?!
Kovo has turned his back on me for any more help, telling me to look online (saying he doesn’t know). …How in the fuck, with how long you’ve been playing this game?! He also claims he’s “used to the old system”, yet this system has been a thing since 2018… two years, Kovo. Two years, and you claim you don’t know any of this?!?! What the FUCK happened to encouraging me to keep trying?! I don’t want to be my own fucking encouragement when I have such low self esteem!
======================

And finally… it’s time to talk about Jero (and why I’m no longer interested in joining VRChat even with the doll). I. am. TIRED of him disappearing for a week, then promising he’ll “be more active”.. and then disappearing again! I’m tired of the broken promises! Hell, I wanted to name my kitten “Jero” (as just like him, he disappears and only reappears later on, then disappears again).
This has put a sour taste in my mouth for the doll. I don’t want to love a doll for WEEKS! I want to love YOU, Jero! The REAL you!! The doll is only supposed to replace you for a few days, not weeks! What the hell happened, that made him do this? Ever since that conversation with Avaris and Wufy, he’s been pulling this shit (yet claims it has nothing to do with this).
I did find out he’s working again, yet even with this part time job, it feels like full time with how he’s rarely on (even on Steam). And this is what kicks me, folks. A few weeks ago, he tells me how he could work full time yet he would never see me again (due to his job). I told him that he should focus on the money and not me, but he says before he met me, he was working full time and wasn’t happy (saying it made him consider suicide).
I thought “so does this mean you’ll actually be on more often and can play VRChat with me?” …Nope. Claims I give him a reason to live, yet I rarely see him. And when I do, he never says “I love you” before he goes to bed; he always falls asleep on his laptop (which is kind of cute, not gonna lie).
…I honestly don’t know how to tell him that I’m unhappy with this. Just, when he worked before, he still had time to come on VRChat and chill with me. So, this could be a full time job. Yet what does he need the money for?
Plus, you know… timezones suck. 😛 Him being 5 hours ahead of me (living near the capital of the UK), doesn’t help the situation. Yet what if he got his old job back for a specific purpose (that he might be keeping secret from me)?
…Like, getting me a plane ticket to visit him? Or getting himself one to visit me?
Yet it will be forever an unreachable dream, and no screaming from Colin Kappernick is going to change that. …Why? Simple. There’s one thing that stops me.
MYSELF.
You Are Your Worst Enemy Self Critic GIF - YouAreYourWorstEnemy SelfCritic BeKind GIFs
In order to make this into a reality, I have to;
-Drop SSI money.
-Get an actual job.
-Move out.
Jero can do it.. I cannot. My parents would likely kick me out (with my computer) if they found out I have a boyfriend (especially of color).. especially if he decided to visit me with them here. The only way to completely avoid this, is to leave the house (forever). And the reason why I have to drop SSI, is I’ll be ‘too smart’ and them seeing I’m willing to work. Hell, there’s a chance this could happen anyway with a new policy in place by Trump. Friday (literally the same day the kitten ‘arrived’), we got a letter from SSI demanding to know why I’m unable to work… they could easily cut me off if they feel I’m just being lazy. That’s a scary thought. I pray THIS one doesn’t come to fruition (or I’m in deep trouble).
If they don’t accept that a few decades ago I had my county’s judge rule in favor of me that I am incapable of working, I will be forced to stop all my bills.. being unable to pay them anymore. No more Discord. No more internet… no more Jero. 🙁
Hopefully I’ll be able to get a lawyer, fight it in the courts again, and win it back. But let’s just assume they will accept and everything will be fine (I’ll get next month’s check no problem).. well there’s still a problem of not being able to leave the U.S (especially on my own). Jero would have to come here, and it would have to be done without my parents being around.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Love Drama, Personal, Politics | Comments Off on A moody me

Trouble in Relationship Town

Posted on 05-19-2020 by Benie

Jero, almost a year ago, said to me “I don’t know how relationships work”. Jero, about a week ago, said how dating is “a lot of pressure” to him (feeling he has to be perfect).
I managed to convince him that he doesn’t have to be perfect and I’ll still love him. And I thought everything was fine.
Yet why am I feeling there’s something wrong, something very odd about him? Because there is something wrong, and I’m not being paranoid.
–
I’m seeing signs our relationship is dying.
1. Staying offline, ever since that conversation I had with those friends that ended with him needing to work on communication. Even though it’s been a week since it’s happened, he’s still doing this.
2. Not asking me anymore if I’m doing alright (in Discord).
3. A day ago, he was tired and I told him goodnight and that I loved him. I never
received “I love you too”. Or “you too”. Just, silence. And that was the last time he ever responded to me.
–
As of this time (and I have to continue feeling this), I do not feel he’s doing this to upset me (or is my fault in any way).
When he said “I never want to hurt you”, disappearing like this is possibly his promise. Him feeling “please don’t be upset, Benie. Never was this your fault, it’s mine. Your friends have shown me this, and you deserve someone better. I don’t want you to ‘tolerate’ me. I want you to be happy, and I just don’t feel you’re truly happy with me. Again it’s not your fault. Please do not miss me. Just forget about me, and move on.”
And if that’s true, this silence clearly speaks it. The way he acted that night, it’s just… this feels what he would ‘say’ without saying anything.
A friend who helped me that night, he feels Jero doesn’t understand how important it is to maintain a relationship with communication. This, makes so much sense of the way he felt pressured and stressed over dating– Jero could be beating himself up over this (hence why I say what he would feel). And honestly, he has been struggling with this since Day 1. Probably left his current Discord account inactive and created an alt account.
==
But if it’s not that, then there’s these possible other reasons;
1. His family found out about us, and has forbidded me from ever seeing him again (and probably threw him out of the house).
2. He’s having serious computer issues (yet he could be using his phone to contact me).
3. He’s having serious internet issues.
4. He’s working again, and hasn’t had time to talk to me (yet that didn’t stop him in the past).
5. He’s trying (or been told) to get his sleep schedule back to normal (might be tied to the 4th thing). <- Highly possible over what he told me ingame
6. Family financial issues. Family can no longer pay the internet or electricity bill.
7. A death within his family, needs time to cope.
8. Coronavirus managed to infect him.

But whatever’s going on with him, never should I feel this is ‘my fault’ for any of this. And especially never feel he’s delibertly doing this. My mind keeps making me feel this, but I must resist this negative feeling. ..I have to power through it, even if or when I have to accept I may never see him again.
Because of this, it makes me wish I still had Suppy as a friend. If this is Jero’s way of saying goodbye without saying anything, Suppy would had stolen the chance to win my heart.
But, more than likely, he has me blocked by now. But if he doesn’t, and if I ever do see him again, I want to greatly apologize for the way I acted. It’s just, he came on so strong and so unexpected, I didn’t know how to handle it.
–
Then again, there’s always Blue. We could start dating again. …I know I’m doing this way too fast of trying to ‘replace’ Jero (I never would really), but I have to prepare for a just incase scenario (to have someone I can fall back on, so I won’t feel alone).
—
Overall, I’m going to wait two weeks from the time I’ve made this blog post. If I don’t hear back from Jero by then… *sigh*, I can then safely assume we’re no longer a thing and he wants me to move on.
But why two weeks and not just a week? Incase if he does have COVID-19, I want to give him the benefit of a doubt that he’ll come back after he begins the recovery process.

=====================
So, good news and ‘bad’ news since I typed this. It’s been 2 & 1/4 days since I last talked to him. And that news is, he talked to me! The reason why he was gone was him being such a heavy sleeper (that and he’s 5 hours ahead of me). Makes me even more wish I could go there and say hi.
And the (odd) reason he was unable to use his phone and say “hi”, is something on the lines of.. removing Discord from his phone because he was ‘lost in the countryside’ and Google Maps needed an update. I’m glad he found his way back, but I’m very confused here. Why would you need to remove Discord from your phone just because Google Maps needs an update? Unless, he didn’t have enough space on his phone for both (highly possible).
Both of them are pretty big apps, so.. yeah. It’s possible.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Trouble in Relationship Town

Turns out I was right, and Jero agrees

Posted on 05-15-2020 by Benie

A rollercoaster of an evening with yesterday (and this morning). It was a pretty tense day of sending Jero the blog post I wrote of what I feel of his “nothing will change” claim. I mean it with respect to him.. this is just how I feel. Yet I kept hoping he would look beyond this and we would be happy as a couple. But one time I felt I wrote so much, and decided to delete everything I said (including the link to the blog post).
I prayed he didn’t see it, yet I had a feeling he already did. And if he did, I knew I had to prepare for the reality that he just wants to be friends.
–
I saw him join the group chat, but stayed patient. Then ten minutes later, he responds
with “hi benie : ) awwwwww : )”
I’m confused of his words, and ask if he read the blog post. “I read the full page : )” Your smile gives me a reason to be concerned, Jero. Took a deep breath and asked “so what’s your decision on this?”
After a long pause, he posts a Tenor GIF of two people high 5ing. The link showed the
word ‘friendship’… my heart sunk into my stomach. But, I–
Oh Really You Sure GIF - OhReally Really YouSure GIFs
After all I’ve done for him, he… just wants to be friends?! *sigh* Fine. He wants to go this route, I will go mine then; setting my Discord profile pic to the default image, going into Unity and removing Jero’s avatar from my horn and my hand.
I warned him what I would do, and he chose this. So be it. And I did this as Jero was trying to convince me everything will be OK with us just being friends.
No, it WON’T. And this lasted for a good hour with myself trying to convince him, that actions come with consequences. He saw just how selfish I was being, even trying to use my own words to prove his point. …One I will admit, he had a point– when I said “To feel ‘love’ from that, I cannot. That ‘love’, feels… fake to me, even from true friends.” His point is my logic would be flawed for thinking this, that we should had never met with this
logic.
Yes, you’re right there. We were friends from the beginning, yes. And these words made me think for a bit. But I fired back with “this is what I do when a relationship fails.” And clearly, this relationship failed. I continued saying “I can never use the word ‘love’ again. That word, to me, is reserved for relationships. So is the word ‘hun’. I never said that word to any of my friends, even true ones. I say “you’re a true friend”. Never do I say the word ‘love’.” But he kept fighting back with how I should be feeling.

Some time later, Jero’s tone of words changed. But it wasn’t because of me, it was because Kandy made him feel uncomfortable when we were dating (and how I talk to him even though he doesn’t like him). He claimed he “understood” what I’m trying to say, saying he’ll change his avatar and leave.
No Sorry GIF - No Sorry Stitch GIFs
I felt bad for him. I’m not willing to even give this a chance. Tried to force my mind to warm up to the idea, but I wanted him to teach me. It was like my thoughts became
his, realizing he can’t change my mindset (and had pretty much given up on me).
Do It What Are You Waiting For GIF - DoIt WhatAreYouWaitingFor Determined GIFs
Feeling like a total ass, my mindset changed. I CAN do this, for him! I will force myself to accept your plan! I will do it, for YOU!!.. not myself. I want you to be happy, Jero. You are promising I will be happy even without the ‘boyfriend’ title, then let’s try this shit. And as I’m trying to convince him I will do this, Kovo starts DMing me asking if I’m OK. I do my best to ignore him, and he keeps on ‘pestering’ me for a total of six times. I know he cares about me (and that’s sweet)… but I’m not in the mood to talk.
I convince him to give me a chance to prove myself, that this could work. My idea is simply to lie to myself that we’re still dating. “This will work” I kept telling myself as I prepared to get in VRChat with him, while also promising I will leave everything as-is (thankfully not saving my changes in Unity).
–
Ingame, we did what we normally did. Anyone that asks if something’s going on, I will lie. This will work! And for a good ten minutes it did.
Jero then motioned me to leave the mirror and follow him. ..Did I do something wrong? This is what you wanted, Jero. You said “nothing will change”. I’ll still love you even without the ‘boyfriend’ title. But anyway, we go to an area far away from the
others.
“I don’t feel anything” he says. “You were right.” I look at him, concerned. My mind is thinking “..but, I tried! I–I guess this is goodbye, then?” He pauses for what feels like the longest time, then randomly asks “you want to try again?” I’m confused by his
question. He clarifies: “do you want to start this again?”
You mean.. date again?! Yes, yes I do want to. He hugs me tightly, licking me all over. He stops and says “I love you so much” and kisses me. He feels happy, saying he fully understands what I meant and is sorry he didn’t see it sooner.
Much later, we’re making sweet love in a private world. When I finish, he says the same thing in a hushed tone. “I never want to hurt you, ever again” he whispers in a calm voice.
I look into his beautiful eyes and smile at him. “It’s OK, my love. You’re here with me. That is all that should matter right now.” He whispered other things, but with how quiet he had to be with his family probably being active, I could barely understand him.
It’s still extremely sweet of him to say that (with the way he had to say it). Like he wanted me to feel his words, and I really did.
“Let’s make a vow to not think of the past, and focus on the present. Agreed?” I asked. He nodded as I said it.

However, since then (and at the time I’m writing this), he seems to have ‘broken’ that vow and decided to look at all of my blog posts that have to do with us, claiming he wants to see the memories we have shared together, even the bad ones. Hmm. Alright, I guess. I have no problem with that. Have fun. : )
He hasn’t really said anything since then, but I’m not worried. He loves me very very much, and he’s not going to leave me over things I’ve said and done in the past.
I seriously need to stop being worried at this point when he doesn’t talk to me for an extended period of time. …It’s not healthy for my mental (and even physical) health. I need to trust him to be there (when he can).

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Turns out I was right, and Jero agrees

“Nothing will change”– why it means different to me than him

Posted on 05-14-2020 by Benie

“Nothing will change” he has said in the past. “Nothing will change” he has said yesterday. But I cannot think the way he does. He sees the term as really close friends who can still love (without attaching the word ‘Boyfriend’ or ‘Girlfriend’). …I do not.
–
You could consider myself.. “spoiled by love”; where it feels like a requirement to me of feeling loved more than just friendship. And I realize, this is not the way I should be thinking… that I should see ‘love’ in the form of friends and family too.
Yet I do not. I never felt ‘love’ with friends and family (even when I didn’t desire a relationship). There is no ‘love’. To me, it feels “they’re just friends; people online that I hang out with. Nothing more, nothing less”.
To feel ‘love’ from that, I cannot. That ‘love’, feels… fake to me, even from true friends. Even from the way he wanted to be friends with me. Love is not love, unless it is shared with a partner for the rest of your life. And as much as he feels this, I will continue to feel it differently. Ergo, why I can’t really handle breakups well (unless I’m the one doing
it).
To get over such thinking, no-one can tell me differently. Only I can do so. Only I can change my mindset. And my mindset, just like everything else.. refuses change.
—
And we actually did (briefly) break up, with him promising “nothing will change”.. yet being against me wanting to lie to my friends saying everything’s fine (so they won’t feel sorry for me)– claiming this would ‘hurt’ me.
Not having him dating me, hurts even more. You cannot say “nothing will change” when it means nothing to me. The core, is him dating me. When that stops, EVERYTHING changes. It feels nothing more than you leaving me, forever. That, is what it feels to me. Even when you’re not physically leaving me, mentally you are.
I guess this proves I don’t deserve to be in a relationship when I cannot handle breakups. It’s the equivalent of taking a gun to their head and saying “don’t leave me”. …That is my mental thinking.
It is not good thinking, but this is what the obsession to be in a relationship has done to me. I do not know how to stop thinking like this, to be OK if things don’t work out. To
be.. ok with just being friends.

But luckily for me, the issue plaguing him was easy to fix (and we’re dating again). He felt pressured since that night to be something he’s not.. because of my friends ‘expecting’ him to be a loyal partner. Personally I didn’t see it, or felt it. What I saw, were my friends protecting me. But also making sure that I use self-control.
But what that was doing, was literally the same doubts I’ve felt for awhile; “am I good enough for him? Would I be better off without him in my life? Would he be happy?” When I discovered this, I jumped to his defense. It is as I said in the previous post of “if you cannot accept who your partner is, even with his flaws.. then you should look for someone else.”
I did accept.. not just to save my mind from months of depression (even though he
claims “nothing will change” and it feels like a lie to me), but to save him from feeling he has to be someone he’s not (to make me happy). He’s done a lot of bad things in the past and isn’t proud of them …I have too, but that isn’t going to make me feel any less of
him.
But even the fact we’re dating again, it isn’t solving the problem. It’s only putting a bandaid over it, and eventually that bandaid won’t be able to stick anymore.
Maybe, have him prove his saying for a week. Prove to me of this “nothing will change” saying. Let’s just temporarily stop dating for a week, and see how it goes. If he’s able to convince me I’ll feel the same love without needing the ‘boyfriend’ tag, then he would be the one that would finally rid me of this bad thinking.
But, if I’m… ‘right’, that the term means nothing to me (nomatter how hard he tries to prove his point)… what is he going to do in exchange? The only thing he’ll see is how fucking selfish I am to not just appreciate him being there. My mindset of this is much more deep than trying to keep a relationship– it’s a failure to appreciate, to accept what I have in life. Others are able to do so, I cannot.. as it’s all been handed to me. I’m a spoiled brat.
..THAT is why I think the way I do. Nothing has truly been taken from me, to appreciate what I have. That will likely change as I get older, and realize the cushy life I live will turn upside down quite quickly. All it will take, is my father dying for everything to go wrong.

That, is why I don’t feel I deserve friends, or a relationship. That, is why I deserve to be alone. No matter how many times he claims “nothing will change”, it will mean nothing to me. I do not want friends with benefits. I want, to feel loved in a specific way (even when it’s the wrong way). I don’t know how many times I have said that to friends who are just trying to help… like Jero is.
I seriously doubt he feels the way I did. I don’t know anyone on this planet who has a similar mindset, who can feel my pain and maybe help me get over it. Some friends claim they are similar, but I don’t believe it. They’re just saying that to put me in a false sense of security.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on “Nothing will change”– why it means different to me than him

When listening to your morals isn’t always the right way to go

Posted on 05-13-2020 by Benie

I dunno where to go with the title for this one. My mind feels like it’s been taken by two forces; one of my friends to calm it, and by myself in a desperate attempt to control it. And at the end of that, I still have mixed feelings of how to proceed.
If my mind had eyes, it would be crying after what I went through. It also is thinking of something else that happened that night (and if it’s right).
—
Started off like any night, just Jero wasn’t online. He did still speak to me, as normal. I came on when he did and we hung out with friends. We were cuddling, then he started licking my chest. I was quite alright with that, and it seemed he wanted more than that.
Despite my morals saying this feels wrong, I allowed him to lick my crotch area. The friends soon realized and one of them is telling us to get a room. I’m laughing a bit nervously hoping for Jero to stop, yet he kept going.
One of them whipped out their camera, and that definitely stopped that pretty
quick (from my embarrassment). Jero didn’t care if others watch.
Later I felt “look, if you wanna do it, let’s do it somewhere more quiet” and lead him upstairs to one of the private rooms. I told him about what the friend said would do and why I had to stop. He felt the friend was joking.. not me. And I then told him that we can do it in here if he really wants to.
It seemed he was interested and everything went great. Grade A++ blowjob, but I wasn’t really done yet and asked if he felt like bending over. Seeing there were no mirrors (for him), we left the room. …What I didn’t know is the lock on the door, expires after 15 minutes.

Immediately after we left (it’s a damn good thing I switched to a non-lewd
version), two of my friends came up and asked if we were done. I covered my eyes in
shame, praying they didn’t see anything. It seemed everything was alright until one of them offered to show ‘their “commission”‘ to Jero and I. Jero saw it first, loving it. At first it didn’t hit me until he started talking about it more.
I quickly checked my DM’s, and it felt my brain had died from embarrassment… he had taken a picture of us doing it. Oh. my. god. Dude, PLEASE don’t tell anyone about this! I could just hear the laughing in my head of how gay I was being with Jero.
Instead there was no physical laughing, only concern of my friends who were worried about me. I wanted to slam Jero for not having enough decency to want to go to a private world.. to not ‘caring’ if this embarrasses me. My friends defended him, saying “so what if people watched?! You had FUN!! That’s what should matter!”
Felt I was beating them back with a proverbial stick that had the word ‘morals’ written on the side of it, trying to beat back their words (as hard as I could). But they kept fighting back, and it felt they were starting to win this fight.
But morals wasn’t the only thing I wanted as my ally for fighting with. I was also fighting an old phrase that is used on ragers– “it’s just a video game”.
–
I hate that term with passion, so much. It’s typically used out of context, and I do not believe in such a term (when it comes to this). It’s all based on what’s right and what’s wrong. And to me, having others watching you do it is disgusting (and wrong). Yet you can argue “IRL yeah. But that shouldn’t be that way in a video game.”
With me, I don’t believe it. I cannot do an alt reality of myself (unless it was for to be a character for a Youtube video or something like that; an actor). I cannot be something I’m not, outside of that. It is against my morals.
However I have accepted certain ways around my morals, such as being a scalie, hanging with furries, and having a BF (when I’m also a guy). I’ve even accepted I’m bi (which was very difficult to do in the past). That’s no longer a concern for me.
But accepting that it’s OK to do it infront of friends (even as a joke)…?
Goku Dragon Ball GIF - Goku DragonBall Anime GIFs
That’s like trying to get me to say I’m gay when I’m with Jero and like doing it. And that’s another conversation right there… one that nearly made me lose him (twice). However the second time, makes me think.
I do not like being called ‘gay’ for being in a relationship with a guy (even as a joke). But that doesn’t mean I hate the word. The word works for others, just not for myself. The word to me, feels like an insult rather than (what it should be) a personal sexual preference.
And I’ll admit, at the time I didn’t feel this. And to ‘help’ me, Jero offered to just be friends.
And I’m all “NO!! I don’t want that!!” He claimed “nothing will change”. Those three words have pissed me off, so much. You say ‘nothing will change’ after what I went through for six months. 6. long. months of wanting to beat myself with a shovel for what I said to him.
Last night, after so long, Jero finally made sense of what he meant by that (which is now what I mean by something that made me think). He claims he wouldn’t go for anyone
else, and we would just be very close friends. It would be like it is, but without the ‘boyfriend’ tag. And the way it makes me think, is how much I want him to be happy (over my own happiness)– how I keep questioning myself if he would be better off without
me (with how much heavy baggage I have).
Yet I wonder if he feels this about himself; if he feels I would be better off without
him, and why I tolerate him. And my answer is “because I love you”. ..That is his
answer, to me.
—
The word ‘love’ should never be used wrongly. The word ‘love’ is willing to power through all the flaws and what-not (to become more than just a friend). He.. does, with me. And this literally answers my own doubt. I do, with him. I accept that he’s lewd and thinks differently than I do. I accept that I cannot change that. I even accept when he jokes around and dry humps my friends. That is my vow to him.
His, is accepting all of my flaws and issues, all of my bitching about life (and power through it). And accepting that I cannot change him, he cannot change me. That, is his vow to me.
Why I never saw this before, my mind has been clouded with so many doubts. Especially when he told me a few days ago, he would had loved to have a family. And my mind
feels “then why not try and achieve that dream? Be happy, Jero.”
–
Yet I look back at myself when I say that. How come I haven’t achieved my own dreams of what I wanted in life? He knows he cannot achieve that dream and has accepted who he is.
And as for me, I accepted I’m bi. I know I’m not gay, because I don’t feel it. And I love Jero with all my heart. 🙂 And he loves me, with all of his heart.
Nothing is going to change that. I promise it.
Because at the end of the day, if you’re not willing to accept your partner’s heavy
baggage, you really have no business using the word ‘love’ to show your feelings towards them.. for it isn’t true love. True love, is accepting everything; the good and the bad of your partner. True love, is being there not just as a lover, but as a really close friend (by being willing to help and work out issues). And if you’re not willing to do that, you have no business being in a relationship.

Now getting back to what I was saying (about feeling embarrassed)… this is something that’ll likely take longer than turning bi. I love doing it with Jero, but my confidence goes out the fucking window when I know others are watching. I wouldn’t even do it to get a brand new Vive… I’ll definitely think about it, but my morals will likely win out. And if I
do, I’ll ‘write it off’ by saying “I did it for you, now give me that Vive before I regret doing this”.
I just feel it’s.. not normal. And I don’t give a FUCK if this is “just a game”, it’s STILL not normal!! I can’t be the only one that feels this!! Probably the only furry that does, though.
Wufy (one of the friends), claims he was like this and has since popped that bubble. My bubble is entirely made out of Graphene, the strongest material known on Earth.
Another friend said to trust Jero, for him to help me to pop the bubble. But I feel he can’t really help me.

–
The only way is for him to demand me to whip it out and resist the urge to run or hear laughter from friends. It’s just like getting over any fear (to do what scares me).
I say this now…

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on When listening to your morals isn’t always the right way to go

In a land of unending uncertainty, there is one positive (for myself)

Posted on 04-24-2020 by Benie

Hey everyone! I hope all of you are staying safe and healthy by continuing to wash your hands and practice social distancing, and checking up on loved ones to make sure they do the same. Remember, we’re all in this together, and we’ll get through this… even if it might take a few years, we’ll get past this extremely annoying virus.
As for myself and my family, we’re still doing alright. And as for what I know about
Jero, he’s also doing alright (yet I’m sure he’s suffering from cabin fever, as well as his family).
–
So for the ‘positive’ I stated in the title, this morning I finally got the help I needed that I haven’t received in over two years, about the Vive and placement of the sensors. For the first time ever, there is actual HOPE I can finally move away from WindowsMR (and have proper hand tracking). And even better, a promise full body should work for me!
DG helped with this. Sending her pictures of my room, she was able to finally determine the most optimal position for the sensors (even the angle they should be pointing at). Her practice in doing research of what works and what doesn’t, really paid off for me.
As for mounting, even Jero was able to help. He mentioned using strips on the back of the mounting brackets to hold the sensors in place.
So yeah, no holes (like my parents want)! Just need to (obviously) clean the spot on the wall where the strips will make contact to it. DG also mentioned that over time, the invisible infrared beams that shoot from the sensors, will widen over time. The beam is a cone shape. When it hits a solid object, it stops.
—
And as for full body, as I said it should work. It might not work 100% of the time (I assume around 65%-99%), depending if I’m standing up or sitting down. But if the primary sensor hits my legs (the one that’ll be on the far wall) while I’m sitting down, then it might be 75% accurate. Who knows.
As for the day when I (once again) get a Vive, it’ll be a long time to get that much money. I predict with how things are going, it could take 4+ months… or even longer if this virus isn’t controlled soon and causes checks to stop coming in (if the entire US Treasury tests positive). This virus is starting to do a number to my bank balance, with how many times I’ve ordered a pizza or asked DoorDash to deliver an order.
However if (and that’s a BIG ‘if’) I get one of those $1,200 government stimulus checks, I would definitely be able to buy it. Hell.. might just go right for the Valve Index with finger tracking at that point.
But I find getting a check… highly unlikely (feel that dependent thing would be used against me) as it’s my mother’s name before mine, and more likely waiting for those 4+ months.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal, Politics | Comments Off on In a land of unending uncertainty, there is one positive (for myself)

A good (but very rough) night / Kovo’s demons

Posted on 04-20-2020 by Benie

A few things on my mind I wanna discuss (that’s why I’m here anyway). So let’s get to it..
==========================
A good (but very rough) night
Categories: ‘Drama’, ‘Love Drama’
==========================
Not sure how to start this one off, only with Jero trying his hardest to learn Unity (and refusing help from anyone). One time I literally got on my knees and begged to help
him (saying “hun.. let me help you!!”).
Nope, he’d rather learn on his own. He reminds me of Kovo in this sense (learning from experience instead of having someone show you how to do it).
I mean, there’s certain times even I would rather learn from experience. But when it comes to Unity and Blender… you better believe I would be looking for help (especially with Blender. FFS. lol).
Stayed with him ingame for 2+ hours listening to him learning how to adjust brightness with the emission (of the texture and model Kat helped him with), each time messing it up more and more. But if this is the way he wants to learn, I got to support him. Personally I would feel better teaching him, but that’s just me. And one time he gave up and we snuggled, him licking me and turning me on (almost delibertly).
Looked up the world we did it before. Finally found the damn thing (looking up ‘Youtube’ instead of ‘apartment’, remembering it has a YouTube player), dropping the portal behind him and saying “wtf, where did that portal come from?! Uhh.. Jero are you seeing this mysterious portal that somehow popped up behind you?! It’s so strange!!”

As I was joking around, he went through.
Me;

It was awesome (for what the virus has done, him having to be quiet). And a funny thing happened when I finished and his headset froze. Like it was so good his headset couldn’t take it anymore. lmao
When he got back, we got back to snuggling. He also showed me that.. I was wrong about the model– Jero having eyebrows, does make him more cute, especially with that really cute smile with the puppy eyes, and his little “mer!” sound he makes when he kisses me.
He really showed just how much he loves me, and I ate it all up.

======
So that was the ‘good’ of the night. Now it’s time to talk about the ‘very rough’ parts.
======
Kandy wanted to join us for some odd reason. Changed back to my non-lewd version, not really seeing an issue with him joining (and allowed it). Perhaps he just wants to chill with us.
He joined, and I noticed something with him; his eyes. They were kind of the same color as Jero’s. He offered to change them, but I didn’t see an issue (felt they looked great on him and matched his avatar nicely). Jero however.. did. But he stayed quiet until Kandy left. He wanted to open up a can of woop-ass, saying how Kandy’s being an ass for ‘copying his eyes’. It completely caught me off-guard.
Jero. Hun. Kandy didn’t purposely copy your eyes. It was only a coincidence, and I feel you’re being a bit paranoid right now. Yet he was like “no, he delibertly did this. Why would he come here? …No, he did this.” *sighs* I tried what I could to convince
him, but also trying to back down my words (to not escalate the situation). He starts
saying “I know he’s your friend”.
Hun… it’s just eyes! You’re making a big deal out of nothing here! Then he tells me of one time that I joined to see him, and then Kandy joining milliseconds after (claiming he talked to me prior to joining).
At this point, I was getting annoyed. It’s one thing to be paranoid, but it’s another to make shit up that didn’t happen! Yet he’s all “I’m not blaming anyone”. …Sure sounded like it there. And then telling me to “go alone” when Kandy’s on or something like that.
…WTF?! Are you telling me to stay away from people you don’t like?! You’re going too far here. But he thankfully decided that defusing the situation was the right course (by
saying “oh well, I’m moving on by blocking him”. Still annoyed me though, and I fear this is going to get to a point I might be forced to leave him (over this whole paranoia).
You do NOT tell me I cannot see people that are my friends, just because you don’t like them.
Eventually I did calm down as I was waiting for him to return (having more issues with his headset).
==
And now we go to something more, personal: an unfortunate confrontation with
Chris (not the Chris that was with Jero, the Chris that’s a pain in my side) that I so, so much wanted to avoid (like COVID-19).
While waiting for Jero to get back, Chris wants me to join him in ‘The Cathedral’. I also noticed Kat is in the same world. Then I noticed later, Jero’s there (and is now inviting me to the same world).
I prayed Chris wasn’t in the same instance as they were, and went there.
The world’s pretty big. Entered the courtyard and immediately went back to spawn as sure enough… Chris is there. Fuck. I looked around and found a really good spot to hide in. Though it was found by DJ, knowing exactly who I was hiding from. Someone else also found me (only asking if Chris was there and I pointed where he was).
A few minutes later, Jero’s now looking for me. I hear him calling for me by my real name. Wave out from my hiding spot saying “Jero, I’m over here!” He’s surprised of how well I was able to hide myself, and then tries encouraging me to talk to Chris. I’m trying to put my foot down, but he’s all “come on! He wants to apologize!”
*sigh* …Fine. This better be worth my time. Ran over and well.. it was bad. Chris saying how he “tried to help” me by telling me to leave Kovo. Then him feeling he doesn’t belong and ran into the cathedral. Kat and DJ followed him, while Jero and I stayed behind.
Jero then asked me if I wanted to hang out with Kat. Told him he can but I’m staying out here. He was a bit upset of my decision, but allowed me to do so.
–
I stood outside, thinking about the thing with Kandy and now this. Walked around outside hoping Jero would come back, but that never happened. At one time I saw a familiar person come from spawn, running around trying to look for the others. It was Nova. She was worried about Kovo, and she was also the driving force that made me say “fuck it” and ran inside the cathedral. The inside felt very The Talos Principle, it’s pretty nice (with the floor reflections).
In the middle of the cathedral (to the sides), is one passageway to the left. Went there and briefly saw Chris talking to Jero (before quickly turning back around). I saw Chris look my way a split second before then. Nova’s looking for me and tells me she found Jero. And I’m all “yeah, I saw him too”. She too knew I was avoiding Chris, and we talked about Kovo who was talking to Dusky in one of the voice chats in Discord. Then she saw Dusky jump in game and went to go see him in hopes to get answers on Kovo.
As for me, I decided to walk over to a corner where I was able to hear Chris talking about me and Kovo. I can’t remember what was said, but I do remember him saying how he doesn’t care if I’m pissed at him. Then I hear him waving goodbye to Jero, saying “good luck!”
Jero ran around the corner, seeing me coming up to him. Jero says how he knew I would be listening in, saying how he knew me that well. I nervously laughed, unsure what to say.
I cannot remember (fully) what he said next, but something about ‘being told more than he wanted to know about me’. Yet he was alright with how I apologized earlier for what he heard.
As we talked, I saw Chris peek around the corner to look at me and then ran off. I knew at that point I had to deal with this problem, right here and right now. If Jero’s right about how Chris wants to apologize, then fine… I will hear him out. I went to track him
down, yet he disappeared. Looked for 10 minutes, a random helping us and finding him. He tried to hide from me, but I saw his tail sticking through the wall.
“Chris… I’m not mad at you. Just saying.” I said. He wasn’t mad at me either, yet he warns me about his soulmate likely won’t feel the same. He also said something about Azure was surprised of the way I acted.
He keeps telling me about his soulmate, how they’re linked, yadda yadda yadda. The way he explained it was really interesting; like a ‘hivemind’ link where the person can sense Chris’s emotions without even having to ask how’s he doing. Then as he was
talking, Creepery showed up out of nowhere (to see me mainly) while Chris was having some sort of emotional breakdown of being ‘told’ to not speak anymore.
Okay, this is creeping me out. Jero, I need your warm embrace right now!! It was also very late for him (yet he wasn’t sleepy).
The two ran into a portal (Creepery’s world). Jero tried to follow them, but the portal closed before he could.
And that is the end with Chris (of that morning). I felt like I needed to talk to Azure about this though. Jero felt like he needed to go to bed, and we snuggled for awhile. Whenever he smiles like that and does that “mer!” sound, he’s just… too fucking precious. 😀
—
Early that morning, I was able to speak to Azure and DJ in a private world. Azure felt
Chris “misunderstood” what she told him. Watched videos with the two for awhile.
One time I was looking at
then went to visit NapPie (with Azure going to bed and DJ falling asleep in VR), as yesterday was apparently his birthday.
==========================
Kovo’s demons
Categories: ‘Drama’
==========================
Was speaking to WildBoy, talking about the experience I had Friday of having to wait two hours for my food via DoorDash. He went to go see another friend, while I also spoke to SW18 about some things (his headset breaking).
I then noticed Kovo on (and joining the world). Oshi–! Looked around trying to find
him, and he ended up finding me. His avatar was solid black (except for his hat, eyes, and emissions).
Kovo’s been going through some very rough things, feeling once again that he doesn’t belong anywhere. Sadly there’s not much I can do for him.
Spent the rest of the morning with him until he went to bed.

And there’s not much else to say. Again I’m sorry for the long delay in saying anything.

Posted in Drama, Love Drama, Personal | Comments Off on A good (but very rough) night / Kovo’s demons