A rollercoaster of an evening with yesterday (and this morning). It was a pretty tense day of sending Jero the blog post I wrote of what I feel of his “nothing will change” claim. I mean it with respect to him.. this is just how I feel. Yet I kept hoping he would look beyond this and we would be happy as a couple. But one time I felt I wrote so much, and decided to delete everything I said (including the link to the blog post).
I prayed he didn’t see it, yet I had a feeling he already did. And if he did, I knew I had to prepare for the reality that he just wants to be friends.
–
I saw him join the group chat, but stayed patient. Then ten minutes later, he responds
with “hi benie : ) awwwwww : )”
I’m confused of his words, and ask if he read the blog post. “I read the full page : )” Your smile gives me a reason to be concerned, Jero. Took a deep breath and asked “so what’s your decision on this?”
After a long pause, he posts a Tenor GIF of two people high 5ing. The link showed the
word ‘friendship’… my heart sunk into my stomach. But, I–
After all I’ve done for him, he… just wants to be friends?! *sigh* Fine. He wants to go this route, I will go mine then; setting my Discord profile pic to the default image, going into Unity and removing Jero’s avatar from my horn and my hand.
I warned him what I would do, and he chose this. So be it. And I did this as Jero was trying to convince me everything will be OK with us just being friends.
No, it WON’T. And this lasted for a good hour with myself trying to convince him, that actions come with consequences. He saw just how selfish I was being, even trying to use my own words to prove his point. …One I will admit, he had a point– when I said “To feel ‘love’ from that, I cannot. That ‘love’, feels… fake to me, even from true friends.” His point is my logic would be flawed for thinking this, that we should had never met with this
logic.
Yes, you’re right there. We were friends from the beginning, yes. And these words made me think for a bit. But I fired back with “this is what I do when a relationship fails.” And clearly, this relationship failed. I continued saying “I can never use the word ‘love’ again. That word, to me, is reserved for relationships. So is the word ‘hun’. I never said that word to any of my friends, even true ones. I say “you’re a true friend”. Never do I say the word ‘love’.” But he kept fighting back with how I should be feeling.
Some time later, Jero’s tone of words changed. But it wasn’t because of me, it was because Kandy made him feel uncomfortable when we were dating (and how I talk to him even though he doesn’t like him). He claimed he “understood” what I’m trying to say, saying he’ll change his avatar and leave.
I felt bad for him. I’m not willing to even give this a chance. Tried to force my mind to warm up to the idea, but I wanted him to teach me. It was like my thoughts became
his, realizing he can’t change my mindset (and had pretty much given up on me).
Feeling like a total ass, my mindset changed. I CAN do this, for him! I will force myself to accept your plan! I will do it, for YOU!!.. not myself. I want you to be happy, Jero. You are promising I will be happy even without the ‘boyfriend’ title, then let’s try this shit. And as I’m trying to convince him I will do this, Kovo starts DMing me asking if I’m OK. I do my best to ignore him, and he keeps on ‘pestering’ me for a total of six times. I know he cares about me (and that’s sweet)… but I’m not in the mood to talk.
I convince him to give me a chance to prove myself, that this could work. My idea is simply to lie to myself that we’re still dating. “This will work” I kept telling myself as I prepared to get in VRChat with him, while also promising I will leave everything as-is (thankfully not saving my changes in Unity).
–
Ingame, we did what we normally did. Anyone that asks if something’s going on, I will lie. This will work! And for a good ten minutes it did.
Jero then motioned me to leave the mirror and follow him. ..Did I do something wrong? This is what you wanted, Jero. You said “nothing will change”. I’ll still love you even without the ‘boyfriend’ title. But anyway, we go to an area far away from the
others.
“I don’t feel anything” he says. “You were right.” I look at him, concerned. My mind is thinking “..but, I tried! I–I guess this is goodbye, then?” He pauses for what feels like the longest time, then randomly asks “you want to try again?” I’m confused by his
question. He clarifies: “do you want to start this again?”
You mean.. date again?! Yes, yes I do want to. He hugs me tightly, licking me all over. He stops and says “I love you so much” and kisses me. He feels happy, saying he fully understands what I meant and is sorry he didn’t see it sooner.
Much later, we’re making sweet love in a private world. When I finish, he says the same thing in a hushed tone. “I never want to hurt you, ever again” he whispers in a calm voice.
I look into his beautiful eyes and smile at him. “It’s OK, my love. You’re here with me. That is all that should matter right now.” He whispered other things, but with how quiet he had to be with his family probably being active, I could barely understand him.
It’s still extremely sweet of him to say that (with the way he had to say it). Like he wanted me to feel his words, and I really did.
“Let’s make a vow to not think of the past, and focus on the present. Agreed?” I asked. He nodded as I said it.
However, since then (and at the time I’m writing this), he seems to have ‘broken’ that vow and decided to look at all of my blog posts that have to do with us, claiming he wants to see the memories we have shared together, even the bad ones. Hmm. Alright, I guess. I have no problem with that. Have fun. : )
He hasn’t really said anything since then, but I’m not worried. He loves me very very much, and he’s not going to leave me over things I’ve said and done in the past.
I seriously need to stop being worried at this point when he doesn’t talk to me for an extended period of time. …It’s not healthy for my mental (and even physical) health. I need to trust him to be there (when he can).