I dunno where to go with the title for this one. My mind feels like it’s been taken by two forces; one of my friends to calm it, and by myself in a desperate attempt to control it. And at the end of that, I still have mixed feelings of how to proceed.
If my mind had eyes, it would be crying after what I went through. It also is thinking of something else that happened that night (and if it’s right).
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Started off like any night, just Jero wasn’t online. He did still speak to me, as normal. I came on when he did and we hung out with friends. We were cuddling, then he started licking my chest. I was quite alright with that, and it seemed he wanted more than that.
Despite my morals saying this feels wrong, I allowed him to lick my crotch area. The friends soon realized and one of them is telling us to get a room. I’m laughing a bit nervously hoping for Jero to stop, yet he kept going.
One of them whipped out their camera, and that definitely stopped that pretty
quick (from my embarrassment). Jero didn’t care if others watch.
Later I felt “look, if you wanna do it, let’s do it somewhere more quiet” and lead him upstairs to one of the private rooms. I told him about what the friend said would do and why I had to stop. He felt the friend was joking.. not me. And I then told him that we can do it in here if he really wants to.
It seemed he was interested and everything went great. Grade A++ blowjob, but I wasn’t really done yet and asked if he felt like bending over. Seeing there were no mirrors (for him), we left the room. …What I didn’t know is the lock on the door, expires after 15 minutes.
Immediately after we left (it’s a damn good thing I switched to a non-lewd
version), two of my friends came up and asked if we were done. I covered my eyes in
shame, praying they didn’t see anything. It seemed everything was alright until one of them offered to show ‘their “commission”‘ to Jero and I. Jero saw it first, loving it. At first it didn’t hit me until he started talking about it more.
I quickly checked my DM’s, and it felt my brain had died from embarrassment… he had taken a picture of us doing it. Oh. my. god. Dude, PLEASE don’t tell anyone about this! I could just hear the laughing in my head of how gay I was being with Jero.
Instead there was no physical laughing, only concern of my friends who were worried about me. I wanted to slam Jero for not having enough decency to want to go to a private world.. to not ‘caring’ if this embarrasses me. My friends defended him, saying “so what if people watched?! You had FUN!! That’s what should matter!”
Felt I was beating them back with a proverbial stick that had the word ‘morals’ written on the side of it, trying to beat back their words (as hard as I could). But they kept fighting back, and it felt they were starting to win this fight.
But morals wasn’t the only thing I wanted as my ally for fighting with. I was also fighting an old phrase that is used on ragers– “it’s just a video game”.
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I hate that term with passion, so much. It’s typically used out of context, and I do not believe in such a term (when it comes to this). It’s all based on what’s right and what’s wrong. And to me, having others watching you do it is disgusting (and wrong). Yet you can argue “IRL yeah. But that shouldn’t be that way in a video game.”
With me, I don’t believe it. I cannot do an alt reality of myself (unless it was for to be a character for a Youtube video or something like that; an actor). I cannot be something I’m not, outside of that. It is against my morals.
However I have accepted certain ways around my morals, such as being a scalie, hanging with furries, and having a BF (when I’m also a guy). I’ve even accepted I’m bi (which was very difficult to do in the past). That’s no longer a concern for me.
But accepting that it’s OK to do it infront of friends (even as a joke)…?
That’s like trying to get me to say I’m gay when I’m with Jero and like doing it. And that’s another conversation right there… one that nearly made me lose him (twice). However the second time, makes me think.
I do not like being called ‘gay’ for being in a relationship with a guy (even as a joke). But that doesn’t mean I hate the word. The word works for others, just not for myself. The word to me, feels like an insult rather than (what it should be) a personal sexual preference.
And I’ll admit, at the time I didn’t feel this. And to ‘help’ me, Jero offered to just be friends.
And I’m all “NO!! I don’t want that!!” He claimed “nothing will change”. Those three words have pissed me off, so much. You say ‘nothing will change’ after what I went through for six months. 6. long. months of wanting to beat myself with a shovel for what I said to him.
Last night, after so long, Jero finally made sense of what he meant by that (which is now what I mean by something that made me think). He claims he wouldn’t go for anyone
else, and we would just be very close friends. It would be like it is, but without the ‘boyfriend’ tag. And the way it makes me think, is how much I want him to be happy (over my own happiness)– how I keep questioning myself if he would be better off without
me (with how much heavy baggage I have).
Yet I wonder if he feels this about himself; if he feels I would be better off without
him, and why I tolerate him. And my answer is “because I love you”. ..That is his
answer, to me.
—
The word ‘love’ should never be used wrongly. The word ‘love’ is willing to power through all the flaws and what-not (to become more than just a friend). He.. does, with me. And this literally answers my own doubt. I do, with him. I accept that he’s lewd and thinks differently than I do. I accept that I cannot change that. I even accept when he jokes around and dry humps my friends. That is my vow to him.
His, is accepting all of my flaws and issues, all of my bitching about life (and power through it). And accepting that I cannot change him, he cannot change me. That, is his vow to me.
Why I never saw this before, my mind has been clouded with so many doubts. Especially when he told me a few days ago, he would had loved to have a family. And my mind
feels “then why not try and achieve that dream? Be happy, Jero.”
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Yet I look back at myself when I say that. How come I haven’t achieved my own dreams of what I wanted in life? He knows he cannot achieve that dream and has accepted who he is.
And as for me, I accepted I’m bi. I know I’m not gay, because I don’t feel it. And I love Jero with all my heart. 🙂 And he loves me, with all of his heart.
Nothing is going to change that. I promise it.
Because at the end of the day, if you’re not willing to accept your partner’s heavy
baggage, you really have no business using the word ‘love’ to show your feelings towards them.. for it isn’t true love. True love, is accepting everything; the good and the bad of your partner. True love, is being there not just as a lover, but as a really close friend (by being willing to help and work out issues). And if you’re not willing to do that, you have no business being in a relationship.
Now getting back to what I was saying (about feeling embarrassed)… this is something that’ll likely take longer than turning bi. I love doing it with Jero, but my confidence goes out the fucking window when I know others are watching. I wouldn’t even do it to get a brand new Vive… I’ll definitely think about it, but my morals will likely win out. And if I
do, I’ll ‘write it off’ by saying “I did it for you, now give me that Vive before I regret doing this”.
I just feel it’s.. not normal. And I don’t give a FUCK if this is “just a game”, it’s STILL not normal!! I can’t be the only one that feels this!! Probably the only furry that does, though.
Wufy (one of the friends), claims he was like this and has since popped that bubble. My bubble is entirely made out of Graphene, the strongest material known on Earth.
Another friend said to trust Jero, for him to help me to pop the bubble. But I feel he can’t really help me.
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The only way is for him to demand me to whip it out and resist the urge to run or hear laughter from friends. It’s just like getting over any fear (to do what scares me).
I say this now…