“I don’t think this is going to work out” / Is Wuffer purposely ignoring me?

Posted on 05-07-2019 by Benie

This has truly been a shitty year for me, and it’s not even halfway yet.
Another day of emotion, and this one had a lot.. to where I feel it’s not really going to work out with me and CybermutT. But I’ll get to that part, and this time it won’t be in spoilers.
Let’s begin, first with CybermutT (as it lead to trying to talk with Wuffer).
–
“I don’t think this is going to work out”
So, I joined him with friends today. But one thing I noticed that was different, is it seems he was hardly paying attention to me. There were a few times where he did and I was happy, but for the most part, I saw him talking with friends. I tried to stay as close as I could with him, only for him to walk away from me. Every time, he walks away (as if I don’t exist in his life). Wtf. I couldn’t tell if he was ignoring me, or actually doing what I wanted and trying not to show others we were a thing.
The reason I say this, is the day before yesterday, I didn’t really feel ashamed of him being near me. I didn’t care what they thought, I was happy. Yet yesterday, I didn’t feel happy. I felt alone (even while being surrounded by friends). Yet I felt these friends.. just.. meh. I feel I’m ‘below’ them in RL status. I look at them, and wonder which one was like me (and would understand what I’m going through). And every single one, wasn’t. They all had their lives, and friends.
So even when I have friends, I still feel alone and wonder why they even are friends (when I don’t listen to their advice (to change my life) when they try to help me).
That’s why I wanted Cyber to come see me, and be with me. But.. he never did. He was too busy talking with others to even look around and see where I was.
One time, I stood right infront of him….. and he walks away from me without even saying hi.
–
I do not think this is going to work out. I want, a lover. I want to feel appreciated, loved, respected. That day before, he did. Now.. what happened? ….Eventually I saw the
reason; he was with one of his other former BFs (and stayed with him instead of me). Cyber seriously needs to get his priorities straight. This open relationship of his, just isn’t going to work for me. I want a closed relationship. Yet, he still warned me beforehand of this. But at the time, I didn’t care; I was ‘in the mood’. Now, I do.. when he does this to
me, and fooling around with others (even though I’m not even his BF).
Love. sucks.
—————————
Is Wuffer purposely ignoring me?

With myself feeling that Cyber was ignoring me (again I don’t know if it was on purpose or by accident), I felt I should do the same and go see someone that once truly loved
me; Wuffer… even when it’ll be taxing on my poor, innocent CPU.
Aka, he was at the VOLT Club, which is kind of unoptimized for VR. Went there, pressed my hand against the panel to gain access, and saw him hanging out with a few at the DJ booth. Went around the dance floor and attempted to clear my throat loudly in hopes he’ll hear me. He had his back turned, talking to them. Did it again, he never once heard me.
Someone came up to him, who he ran off with. I followed them, hoping Wuffer would turn around and see me coming. The two ran into a private room and locked the door.
I let out a final throat clear and banged the door with my fist, extremely annoyed he did this to me.
I then looked around and saw a few people coming my way, and said “I got to get out of here” and made my way to the exit. I heard someone talking about the locked door as I finally found the stairs leading to the main door. Pressed the panel with my hand and
said “well Wuffer, if this is what you wanna do to me, why are we still friends?” Made my way out as someone walked through the vault door at the same time, feeling they clearly heard me on the other side of the door (but didn’t care).
–
First Cyber and now this. I was unsure if I wanted to continue playing, but I made my way back to the world where Cyber was (still annoyed at what Wuffer did), and hoped again he would see me. Fat chance. That’s when I said “I’m done”, and went to bed. There was one time where I again, stood right infront of him and waved my hands, and he turns
around, like he can’t see me.
Yep, I’m done, and I’m going to tell him what’s on my mind (but without sounding whiny). It was nice, but I wanted something more– something he isn’t going to settle down and stay with one guy.. his IRL BF. But it’s not his fault, it’s mine. He warned me.

.
Did tell Wuffer, and got a response. Said he wasn’t trying to ignore me, just that he was busy (yet he’s got plenty of time for VRChat, huh?). But, I apologized. He also said he never had time to send that USB 3.0 extender. But I ended up telling him “don’t worry about it. Thanks but no thanks. If I need one, I’ll buy my own.” I will explain my reasoning in my upcoming edit.

EDIT: Cyber and I are done. And for the first time ever, he’s saying it in a way where I feel he’s calling it. When I told him how Wuffer loved me (even though he kept things from me just before we broke up), he said he doesn’t truly love me with the secrets he kept from
me (just because he’s ‘scared’ to hurt my feelings). And.. I have to agree with that.
Almost makes me want to block him again… but, no. At least not now. Not until I hear something bad about him (so I can confirm nor deny the claims). In other
words, I’m ‘keeping him around’ just so I can keep my eyes on him.
You wanna know what’s laughable? ..Him claiming he wants to be a psychiatrist. Though I think he did say he was planning to go to college in June.
–
That unfortunately isn’t the only thing he said; he also made me realize my desperation isn’t fully gone as I thought it was. Simply saying “I want a relationship”, is a sign of desperation. No matter how much I deny it, I cannot. Literally telling him “I’m tired of feeling pathetic and sad”, is a sign of desperation (not to mention
depression).
I have to do what Jusper does: stop wanting to be in a relationship. …But I can’t fucking HELP IT!! It isn’t going to die out, until I completely stop expecting things to work in my favor. And the only way that is going to die out.. is to change not only my life, but the way I look at it. And that’s not happening. At least… not in VRChat. It might change IRL (when my parents pass away and I get placed in some house that’s not mine for the rest of my life). Who knows.
I’ve been spoiled nearly all my fucking life by my parents; no-one there to literally beat the shit out of me that life isn’t supposed to be handed, only earned. Not sure if I should blame my mental disability for that.

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The love quadrangle I wish I saw sooner.. yet I ‘think’ it’s OK

Posted on 05-06-2019 by Benie

IMPORTANT: A large section of this post is 18+ and has been clearly marked with spoilers. If you’re below 18 and are uncomfortable with this nature, please do not click on the spoilers (for your own safety).
Though I cannot stop you from clicking, you have been warned.

Love, it has many forms. Family, Friendship, and Short or Long-Term Relationships. Not all relationships have to be with kissing and hugging (and not all relationships have to be IRL).. some can just get right to what makes things fun.
So as I said briefly at the beginning of my post of testing my new headphones, there is someone special. But before I get to him, it seems Wuffer has changed his status back to ‘Gay Wulfo’. Seems like he found someone. That is awesome, and I’m really happy for him. I pray the other will love him as I did.
…Though, I’m not sure why I should even care, as he hasn’t responded to a single DM from me since last Friday. So much for things staying the same between us, huh?

18+ content, DO NOT READ IF UNDER 18!!

But, ehh. I’m fine with it, as I also found someone that not only really likes me, but does his best to (virtually) keep me satisfied. His name is ironic of what we have done; ‘CybermutT’. I’ve seen this guy when the Best Boi community existed, and he’s still as lewd as ever.
It was the same day as Wuffer decided to see other people, where who I thought was his boyfriend was broken up with. But I will get to this part in a bit.
–
Now, I probably would had never gotten with Cyber if it wasn’t for Jusper ditching me as I was trying to nuzzle next to him. One moment he was there, the next.. poof, went to another world (probably to hang out with Plasmic), and we haven’t spoken since. Whatever, I guess. So I went over to Cyber and tried to ask him if everything’s OK with his loss of breaking up with the boyfriend. He said he was fine, and tells me his love
life (including once with Ashi). I do my best to comfort him, and tell him that he has friends out there that will support him. He thanks me for the kind words and I tell him what I went through with Wuffer. He cuddles me (in Desktop mode as he can’t afford
VR).
How the whole lewd thing happened between us, is I wanted to french kiss him as we were RPing in Discord. This is when he tells me the catch– he actually has a boyfriend IRL, but he and Cyber have decided on an open relationship (aka the boyfriend is fine with anyone fucking Cyber). I hesitated of course, unsure how to proceed. But I said “I wouldn’t mind a single one night stand.”, and he agreed. And he’s been like this everytime we have virtual sex, making sure it’s OK with me first (though I’m more worried if this is going to be too much for his boyfriend to think bad of me, that I’m ‘stealing his man’), but that doesn’t seem to be the case. But he has been talking recently of trying to get his IRL BF (who he names ‘Max’) in VRChat, so he’ll “be able to meet you”. Well now I feel royally fucked, and not from Cyber’s cock being so far up my
ass.
This is also the same time Lunar has been talking to me more and more (for some odd reason), and expects me to hug and kiss her while I was having virtual sex with Cyber. In other words.. I never told her about Cyber (nor have I told him about Lunar). I wouldn’t say this is ‘cheating on Cyber’ (as Lunar is underaged and I know my limits), but I don’t think Cyber would be happy if he found out. So I’m keeping it a secret.
Infact.. the two nearly met eachother with me in my home world (if Lunar didn’t need to go to bed when she did). …That was a bit too close. Though if they did, I would just tell him the truth (that we’re just friends.. how I used to have a small crush on her back in the day, but not anymore). I don’t even have any feelings toward her. Like Cyber with
me (though we do a lot more in bed), I’m only helping Lunar feel loved and appreciated.
–
So yesterday, Cyber finally managed to bring his BF in game, and I’m all “awesome, that’s
great!(purposely leaving out the ‘(‘for you)’ part). And some time after a session of sucking Cyber’s dick off in the Hangout House, the BF of him joined the world. Can’t remember his name ingame, only that Cyber calls him his ‘big bear’ (for being 6’6″ IRL, 3 inches taller than me). He looked at me, then at him and said “this is Benie, the dragon that just sucked my dick off”. I stood there, nervously laughing as he looked at me and him, wishing this was just a dream and I ‘need to wake up'(in more ways than one), yet all he said was “it’s good to finally meet you!” I chuckled a bit nervously and waved at him, slightly relieved that Cyber was telling the truth. I stayed silent as the two talked about eachother infront of me, telling me their various sex stories.
I’m starting to feel somewhat uncomfortable, and wishing I never got involved in this mess. I don’t want to say this to Cyber though, as he did warn me beforehand. But, I did end up introducing myself (briefly, still worried I’ll say the wrong thing).
But, ya know…he’s actually pretty cool to talk to. I would like to get to know him
more (and no, not as a threesome. I mean as a standard friend).
Later I invited Kovo to the world, as Cyber asked me to (so Max could see the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth). The two briefly talked, before Kovo told me that Vale wanted him to join a world. Cyber told me that Max is shy, and I can see that. During that, Max dropped out of VRChat suddenly. Cyber told me that Max had a power outage. Aww.
—
Later that evening, in another world, Cyber wanted more of me. For some odd reason, my voice turns him on. He said when he first met me back in the Best Boi community era, he thought I was handsome (when I was straight). Now that I’m bi, apparently I’m even more handsome. That’s a very sweet thing to say. Thank you. 🙂
Then the conversation went about Max, about what I thought of him. I said he’s pretty cool and stuff. He said how he likes a lot of kinky shit (such as threesomes). And I said as honest as I could “I would prefer to do it only with you”, and he is perfectly OK with it.

.
So in summary, what Cyber is doing is really nice and is a good stress reliever. I like how flexible he is (with how he’ll pretty much accept anything I wanna do to him when I’m feeling frisky). But, I don’t want him to feel he’s my ‘sex toy’ (as much as he wants to
be, aka calling me his ‘Daddy Dragon’). I want him to enjoy it as much as I do, but I can’t seem to get it through to him. He’s (I’m not even sure if it was physically or not) been beaten into submission, wanting to only pleasure the other and not really care about his own.
Dunno what to do. But, he said that I could find a dick model from Sketchfab. I really want to, though.. hopefully I can find one for free (been wanting to since Wuffer and I were dating). However, I haven’t had much luck. Though I did what appears to be a gold-encrusted dildo.. over 700k polys. What the FUCK?!?! Ouch (especially anyone being rammed by that thing)! That’s more polys compared to every avatar I’ve ever
uploaded (combined). WOW. So Cyber did some searching and found the person who had uploaded all the models to Sketchfab through Fur Affinity. Most of them have been
deleted, and two of them go to a website where the download has no extension (very sketchy).
So, no model right now.

[collapse]

So that’s basically it. And if you clicked on the spoiler and are currently trying to burn your eyes with bleach, I did warn you not to click. 😛

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The most stressful day of my entire life / First time using Uber

Posted on 05-04-2019 by Benie

The most stressful day of my entire life
I’m still reeling over the events that transpired today. Pretty sure my nerves are
shot, and I feel I need a stiff drink (even though I don’t drink).
This was during the same time as I was trying out my new headset, mother comes in my room saying she’s going to try to take father up to the hospital, then if they manage to get done and get discharged, for me to contact Uber and get up there, then get back home with the two.
Later, mother asks if there’s some kind of immediate care center that’ll take him today. I looked and found one in my city, gave her the number, and went back to my thing. This was about the time I got done helping Dander, and Lunar actually wanted to talk to me in voice. So we talked and I watched her play Slime Rancher (while also RPing with that friend of mine. Nothing naughty).
–
Then mother comes in my room again, telling me to “take the headphones off”. Oof. Was really not happy with that. But, I eventually got over that when the hours ticked by (and I got no phone call). Anxiety grew, and eventually felt I had to contact the hospital. They told me that father was in the ER, and all I could do was cry, feeling that I just lost him. Calmed down telling myself that they’ll do everything they can to keep him alive, but it still didn’t get rid of the anxiety.
Called again a few hours later, he’s still in ER, but now I’m hearing he’s going through a few tests. So whatever’s wrong with him, isn’t that serious enough to get him to surgery. Asked the nurse to contact me, leaving my cell phone number.
—
Another hour passes, still no phone calls. Called an hour later, now the nurse is telling me that he’s being discharged. A major sense of relief fills me as I wait for mother to let me know they’re ready, so I can contact Uber.
————————
First time using Uber (And the chaotic hilarity that ensued)
Another hour passes.. still no phone call. What the HELL is going on?! Call the hospital again, being told “they left 45 minutes ago”. ..45 MINUTES AGO?! They’re out there in the cold waiting for me to contact Uber, for 45 minutes?! She told me she would CALL me!! I debated if I should contact Uber, and finally decided on doing so. Uber driver was almost here, then I started hearing familiar voices coming out of the darkness. ..My parents walked home from the hospital. SHIT!! THE UBER!! I got to STOP it!!! Frantically searched all over the app trying to find a way to cancel the ride that’s about ready to arrive, couldn’t find anything. Knew my only option was to go out there when the guy arrives and tell him that this was a mistake.
The guy arrived, and I did just that. Told him I was sorry as this is my first time using the app, and he said there was no problem. Went back inside, thought that would be the end of it.
–
Phone’s trying to get my attention again. Check it.. jaw drops as I see another driver heading this way! REALLY?!?! FUUUUU–!! Cancel button, WHERE ARE YOU?! More frantically searching as the second Uber driver is getting closer and closer. One last swipe finally reveals the blasted Cancel button! Tap it with all my might.. “do you wish to cancel this trip?” …smacking the screen with my index finger on the ‘Yes’ option repeatably, and it was over. I saw no more drivers parading their way to our house.
Fuckin’ A!!

Parents said they tried to call me, but couldn’t get through (even the phones in the hospital weren’t working). But, my father has multiple things wrong with him. And the reason why he was throwing up is he was constipated (they cleaned out his insides).
He also might (again might.. I pray not) have some sort of growth on one of his kidneys. And finally… the thing I’m worried about personally of the way I eat, he has Type II Diabetes. Now that there’s confirmed family history.. *cringe*
So mother was going to throw away everything sugary in the house, but gave it to me (on the promise I eat it in moderation). And I will… I’m going to have to if I don’t want to end up like my father. 😐
They were also planning to keep him overnight. But mother convinced them that she’ll take him to all these doctors to do the further tests.

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My first headset in a good long while, and why I almost sent it back

Posted on 05-04-2019 by Benie

Talking to a friend, who I’ve been talking to since Wuffer decided to seek out someone more gay, and he actually likes me, and we.. well.. (TMI moment last night).
Anyway, I got the new headphones while I was talking to him. Pretty alright
packaging (and some tape to remove). Finally got access to the headset and I
thought “simplified much?” All I saw was the headset, but taking it out, I saw the USB charging cable and also what appears to be a strange USB Flash Drive-like device? Wasn’t sure why I even needed it at the time.
The charging cable, I’m extremely glad I didn’t buy that one from Amazon (as it would had never worked). But, it is long enough that I can type without any tugging on the cable. As for it fitting around my ears, I feel very minimal discomfort, but not enough for me to feel I have to take it off as it’s hurting my ears (or anything like that). It’s nice!
–
Still trying to figure out what the heck this Flash Drive-like thing was. Thinking it was some kind of battery, I put it in the charger that my iPhone uses and saw it blink. This to me made me assume it was a battery, so I left it alone. Checked the manual, and saw it actually could fit into the charger cable, but it’s for some sort of ‘SE’ version of the
headset (as there is no visible port on the charger cable).
…And now for the why I almost sent it back part, I managed to turn the headphones on and attempted to pair it with my Bluetooth adapter.. nothing.
Uhh.. is it simply not charged fully? This puzzled me for good while, and then it hit
me.. the white light on the device. FUCK!! It’s a Bluetooth dongle! DAMNIT!!! When I asked Wuffer if it’ll work with Bluetooth, he didn’t understand that I meant my existing Bluetooth (the one I use for my WMR controllers)!
Just to make sure I was right, I took out the small Bluetooth adapter and added the bigger one in. Soon as I did, the headset was connected (and the white light stayed
on).  Unplugging it, it no longer shows the headset connected.
*frustrated sigh* I have no fucking spots for this thing! On top of that, I’m trying to help Dander Icebreaker of getting the eye tracking shader to work.

Bit later, it’s getting to the point where I’m getting frustrated with Dander not knowing where his Assets folder is to install the shader properly (and feel I need to explain to him via voice chat). So I decide to take a look behind my case, and actually see a spot for it. Plug it in and it works. Ayy! Cool, I no longer feel I need to send it back (and that Wuffer ‘lied’ to me.. even though he was only misinformed).
Tried out the mute button on the side; now it does mute the mic, but not in the way I was expecting. There’s an audio cue of two beeps. Also, lifting up the mic arm auto-mutes the mic, which is fucking cool! Though I would assume not to abuse it if I want this headset to stay in the same condition for years.
Did manage to help Dander by the way, via Parsec (and placing the eyes for him). He’s quite happy of the results.

.
Overall, I really enjoy the headset. Of course I said the same thing about the on-ear headphones I had, and they started getting extremely uncomfortable within the next day. But this one is high quality. It’s got fucking RGB (the first thing I ever had with RGB)!
The true test is a session of VRChat (in VR). But, that might not come as things are really escalating IRL (with my father).

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Not a good morning.. but hey, I can upgrade my computer now

Posted on 05-03-2019 by Benie

Woke up, feeling more sadness. Just a day ago, I was talking to him on my phone. Now? Not anymore. :'( Meh.
Also, my father is still throwing up, and it’s possible I might have to contact Uber and get his ass up to the hospital. But having never used Uber (ever), I feel I might have to go with them as I have an account (since.. how are they going to get back home?)
Yeeeah. Not a good morning.
–
But on a.. not sure if I should even say ‘positive side’ (with what I (and my parents) are going through), my mother gave me the $500 I need to upgrade my computer. So, yay. Wish it came at a better time. :/
But, I went to Amazon and added the parts to the cart (CPU/RAM/Board/PSU).. wait WHAT?! $377.32 instead of $472.52?? Are you serious, that I saved nearly $100? No way! Checked the parts again, everything matches to the debate we had.
Image result for jaw drop
Holy shit. NOT BAD for less than $400!! 😀 Buuuut..  I’m not going to go gung ho just yet– No, I really want to be able to maximize the performance to dollar ratio I can get out of this upgrade. So I’m going to contact Zagro this evening (and hopefully bring Wuffer into the call) to see what we could do with this. Right now I need to deal with IRL
issues, that are more important than PC parts.
EDIT: At 2:44PM, Amazon has informed me the new nearly $80 headphones will arrive tomorrow. Excellent. I just hope they’re comfortable, as I have big ears. Plus (according to the pictures), it comes with a mute button (and I do remember Wuffer tapping the side of his face to mute himself).

EDIT2: So it was Zagro that helped me out. Wuffer (though he did say he would
help), never said he was ready to. So I didn’t want to bother him (and I really didn’t need to, honestly). We found the full-sized ATX board that was discussed in our debate, still available for purchase. Zagro also highly recommended (the fact I decided not to go with the new case) to get a pack of screws on a ‘just incase’ scenario. Though I’m pretty sure the new motherboard will fit perfectly in my case.
Since the RAM had only two orders left for purchase, I ended up buying everything.
Grand total comes to $439.31 (a savings of $60.69 from my total budget), and the parts will be arriving by either next Thursday or Friday.
–
When I get the parts, I’ll pick a day to pre-prep my computer (backup my C drive), and then a day to do the installation (I’ll also take some before and after pictures).
I can already feel the anxiety growing, but I have to stay cool and confident. I got my computer to boot when I did a full swap back to my old board and CPU (replaced the board, installed the CPU, put paste on it.. that was all me).
..I can do this. Just need to believe in myself by taking a deep breath, relaxing, and getting it done.

EDIT3 (5/5/19): 4 of the 5 parts (only part missing is the RAM) have now been
shipped, and will be arriving this Wednesday. In addition, I got a promo code for buying the Ryzen 5 2600 for the games Tom Clancy’s Division 2 Gold Edition and World War Z. Lovely, both of them are multiplayer games, so I could care less.
Might do a raffle (or something) for the promo code, though. Can’t exactly give it away.
—
EDIT4 (5/7/19): The RAM shipped last night and will be arriving the same day as my other parts (which is tomorrow). It’s possible they had to quickly order more to give one of them to me.
Also, I think I overlooked something when I said I was getting 16GB. The RAM comes in a 2-pack, meaning, in theory.. I’ll get 32GB in total. 🙂
Related image

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“You were right Benie, I need to find someone full gay.”

Posted on 05-02-2019 by Benie

Didn’t think this day would come, to be honest. I could only see our relationship getting stronger after that argument two days ago. But for some reason (just like before), it crashed and burned. And once again, Wuffer was keeping his feelings away from
me (when I have no problem giving them to him).
Remember when I said this a few days ago…?

During that time, I explained everything I said to myself; holding nothing back.. even mentioning about how I was ‘happy’ when Ballistic told me (and I told Lone). Finally ending by saying “honestly, I feel you should forget about me and seek out an actual gay person instead of a bi”. The reason I said that, is he seems to get ‘bi’ mixed with ‘gay’ (a bi person can like a girl or a guy).

He came back, asking in a concerned tone “you really want me to forget about you?” Stopped talking for just a bit, then sighed and said “Wuffer, I just want you to be happy.” He asks “why do you think I’m not happy?” I asked “are you truly happy with me, even from what happened before?”.. and he quickly said “Yes!!” Then I said I swear I will never lie to him again, that it was a mistake and it’ll never happen.

So today, something seemed off. He never once said “I love you” to me, and then he went in VRChat without ever asking me to join him. So I joined him in the room we hang out in. He said he was trying to invite moon_shadow (who now has VR) to the world, but he didn’t want to join. I suggested we go and see him, and it’s like he hesitated, but then left. Odd, but went anyway. Saw him in and we got to moon, who’s enjoying VR. Saw Wuffer walk away and do his own thing. Again, odd.
After moon started saying he’s lagging and he was going to go to The Box, I ran over and told Wuffer.. who didn’t at all seem interested in joining us. Said some things I didn’t quite hear as my earbuds are still dying on me, but I did hear “I’ll be right back”.. yet I noticed ‘hun’ wasn’t added to that.
Went to go hang out with moon, thinking Wuffer was going to be streaming (and I didn’t want to disturb him). Few friends joined us.
It’s now been a few hours and I’m starting to get worried why he’s not coming to say hi (as he said he only streams for an hour). I go to the world he’s in, my anxiety building to dangerous levels as I don’t see him anywhere, feeling like I did (or said) something wrong. Then he DMs me, saying “I need to talk to you in a bit”.
Oh. shit. That can only mean one thing– you’re dumping me (again). Fuck. My brain’s rattling trying to think of what the fuck I did or say to cause this. Went back to moon_shadow to tell him the grave news, he’s not in The Box anymore. Still
joined, couldn’t find him (didn’t really want to tell him with so many people there). Found this house in the middle of nowhere that has chair models (but no actual sitable
chairs), and ‘sat’ in one of them.. feeling anger and sorrow at the same time. Checked his status.. “Single Gay Wufo”. Pretty sure it’s confirmed now.
20 minutes passed, no explanation from Wuffer. Anger is building more of him holding back secrets from me. Eventually took off my headset and went into Discord, nearly wanting him to demand he answer me.

He does, telling me that “I think you were right” he should find a straight-up gay in his life.
Image result for WHAT?!
You.. just told me you loved me two days ago!! I assumed we would NOT have a
problem! ..What the FUCK DID I DO to make you think this?! Again with the “it’s not your
fault” BS; doesn’t work for me (when it comes to relationships). We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you weren’t being bothered by something I said! And I’m pretty sure I know what. I told him when I was watching him play Wizard101, that the health of my father is deteriorating faster than before.
I made him uncomfortable of the thought he would have to take care of me for the rest of my life, might come sooner than expected (and saying how I’ve already told him the reason why I can’t really do anything to better myself). That and.. maybe he just doesn’t find me that interesting (yet he also said “just please dont overthink this as like some kind of betrayal or anything”). Too late for overthinking, pal. Stop sugarcoating it!! I’m fucking 15 years old (trapped in a 42 year old body)!
–
*after this part, it took me awhile until I finally calmed down* I really wish he never DM’d me to start this, then I wouldn’t be in this mess. But, he is extremely sorry for all of this. He’s sorry for working me up, and then bringing me down. But “I’m sorry” isn’t going to stop this thing with keeping secrets from me.. from happening again.
However, we’ll just stay as good friends. He promises (as friends) nothing will happen between us (aka I’ll still be able to watch him play Wizard101, and watch his stream). And
that, to me, is all I want. We don’t have to be lovers. Only reason I feel this now instead of then, things were much different.
As for myself (of dealing with my sadness), I’ll probably go back and hang with
Jusper (and maybe I’ll ‘get lucky’ and have another one night stand, to help with the stress).
—
Two more things before I wrap this post up and (maybe) get on VRChat.. because I’m still feeling a bit sad from this;
1. Re-canceled the order for the earbuds. It was about to ship, but this time (unlike the phone) I managed to successfully cancel it. I mean sure, I could had used it, but the purpose for getting it is gone (and it would only bring pain).
2. He’s going to be shipping that USB 3.0 expansion card to me (for my upgrade this month). $15 for it still. I mean yes it reminds me of him, but not in the same way (more like a friend thing instead of a lover thing).

.
In closing, I think we both got what we wanted. He now knows what he should be focusing on instead of me, and as for me… not sure if I did truly love him (or fake it just to make him happy). I don’t know how well things would had worked if we met IRL. All I felt was that I would ‘tolerate’ it.. and that’s not good.
As for my uncertain future (without Wuffer being there to “be my savior”), I can only pray it isn’t as grave as my mother put it. Maybe I would still have full access to the monthly checks ’till the day I die. It’s too early to tell what’s going to happen at this time (can only assume the worst).
Maybe I’ll learn how to drive, then fly to his state and surprise him by saying hi to him IRL. I’ll keep his address, just incase that ever happens (or he might do the same thing to me.. which my parents might not approve if they’re still alive).

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal | Comments Off on “You were right Benie, I need to find someone full gay.”

A rude awakening / EApps / No license (and hungry)? No problem!

Posted on 05-01-2019 by Benie

A rude awakening
Nothing like trying to call a sleepy boyfriend in Discord and not having it go
through, thanks to T-Mobile not doing their fucking jobs. For this month, I kept being reminded how “the credit card on file has expired” and ignoring the warnings, feeling this is all old news (feeling they have the problem that happened last week, taken care of).
Woke up about 10:45 or so (don’t exactly remember); hearing Wuffer moving around and stuff on my phone. Tried saying hey, no response. Assumed he just has his headphones off and tried to fall back asleep, then my phone starts alerting me of my T-Mobile bill being due.
Again I ignore it and was about to put the phone down, and two more messages pop up. One of them says the payment was ‘unauthorized’ by my bank. Started yelling at
T-Mobile, then felt “mmmeh. I’ll take care of this when I get up”, laid the phone down and tried to fall back asleep again. As I laid in bed, a really bad thought pierced through my soul. …OSHI–!!! ‘Unauthorized’ means the money isn’t in the bank!! Shit SHIT SHIT!!
This forced me to spring out of bed and get over to my computer to investigate the issue.
Checked my bank.. more than enough to pay the bill (I made fucking SURE I had enough to pay it before I ordered those two things). My eyes narrowed as I got even more frustrated at T-Mobile. We need to have a talk. 😛
–
And by ‘talk’, I gave them HELL for getting me out of bed to deal with this incompetence! If there’s one thing I absolutely hate, is being forced out of bed! And the reason I gave them hell, was because they still didn’t fix the issue that happened last month (of failing to edit the expiration date of the card on my account)! They’re all “we’re working on our prepaid customer servers”. It’s been MONTHS!! What is TAKING so long?! And the person even admits its been months. That’s when I laid down the “prepaid customers are being shafted: change my mind” thing. Agent tried, but after I told them the hell I went through to get a smaller SIM chip for my iPhone, they felt sorry for it.
Whatever, payment’s made, and the agent tells me I’ll have to make future payments manual until this is fixed. Thanks, jackasses.
Then I had the idea to delete the card on file and add it as a brand new mode of payment. Therefore, no more issues (I hope). Don’t know why the agent never suggested this super easy fix.
———————–
EApps (When even paid apps ask for a monthly fee ‘Pro’ version)
Chilling with my love in a private Discord call, watching him play Wizard101. He’s also getting ready to go to work (he has a job as a pizza guy, and hopes to one day deliver them). I’m talking about the weather that I’m going to be getting this evening and tomorrow, and the apps I use to monitor it.
But there’s one that I’ve been eyeing on since one of our local meteorologists showed himself using it; RadarScope. It’s $10, and to me it’s a one-time fee. Thought of buying it next month, then remembering I still got more than enough and got it then. Installed and booted it up.. ‘PRO Version’ on the lower right. Two ‘Pro Tier’ versions.
Image result for facepalm
..REALLY?! I just paid $10 for your app, and you want me to pay MORE?! Fucking
HELL, man! Don’t be EA, FFS!
However, what the app provides for ‘free’ is pretty impressive. It even has Correlation Coefficient (or ‘CC’ as it’s called by local meteorologists… the radar used to tell if there’s debris being lofted to indicate an actual tornado in progress)! That is awesome!
————————-
No license (and hungry)? No problem! (There’s an app for that)
My BF just gave me a really good idea to solve one of my biggest issues that’ll be a part of me when my father passes away. This came from how I said I really wanted McDonald’s instead of pizza every Wednesday (just to have something different for once). But without a car (and a license), that’s not possible… until he reminded me of ‘UberEats’. Though he originally mentioned ‘GrubHub’, a website that you can put in your address and see what restaurants would be willing to deliver to you.
Tried it first, entering in my address. Showed (mostly) all restaurants around me (within 1-3 miles).. except for Burger King and McDonald’s (pretty surprised on that). Not even Waffle House showed up. Though, UberEats does (only in the city to the south of
me, though). But, this is something I definitely want to try next week.
–
Having McDonald’s delivered every other Wednesday, would be awesome.

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal | Comments Off on A rude awakening / EApps / No license (and hungry)? No problem!

The great debate to upgrade my computer

Posted on 04-30-2019 by Benie

A plus of being in a relationship (or even having a really close friend), is being able to rely on them to help you out with upgrading your computer (like Goppend helped me out back in the day). But I rather not talk about what happened with that, and focus on the now. Though the ‘now’ would had been last year (if I had saved better), but I digress.

This all started with my mother reminding me that with the money I ‘loaned’ to her (even though it’s her money), paying that back and paying me for installing the ACs, I should have $500 by May 3rd. I then told Wuffer about it, and how I haven’t heard from Zagro about Plan A (and feel it’s time for Plan B). So he started linking the parts he currently has in his computer (including an expansion slot to slightly increase my USB capacity from 10 to 15 slots). Still feel I’m going to need it, and he’ll sell his for $15 (instead of paying nearly $30 for the same thing on Amazon).
After he was done, I asked Zagro if I could call him tonight (just to verify if Plan A is a
no-go).. instead he wanted to talk then. Asked him about Plan A, and he said the guy once talked to him, but hasn’t since. Then I told him about how I “have a friend” that suggested me parts, and sent him the links.
–
He went over them, and recommends I get 32GB and a full ATX motherboard. So I brought Wuffer into the call and have the two debate over it; stating my budget is
$500 (and it could come as soon as next month). Have fun. This debate is still
ongoing, and I will reveal the outcome.
—
The debate is over, and this is the result of them putting their heads together (all parts are from Amazon);
IMPORTANT NOTE: Prices and the availability of getting the items listed below, may change between now and when I have enough.
CPU: AMD Ryzen 5 2600 (with Wraith stock cooler)(Wuffer’s suggestion)
Motherboard: MSI Micro-ATX (B450M Gaming Plus)(due to trying to stay under
budget, Wuffer’s suggestion was decided)
RAM: Patriot Viper Steel Series 16GB (two 8GB sticks)(was recommended I get 32GB, but due to cost over budget, this was decided. Might still get 32GB in the future)
New Case..?: Thermaltake V200 Tempered Glass RGB Edition Mid-Tower
TOTAL PRICE(with case): $501.67 (with tax and free shipping)
Yes it’s slightly above my budget, but $1.67 over isn’t anything to really cry about. But since I still have the final say in what I purchase, I’ve been doing my own debating on how I could lower the price without skimping on power.
—
And I’ve ultimately decided against buying the new case (for now), and focus on getting this PSU (which was also suggested). It brings the total down to $472.52 (with tax and free shipping). I don’t feel I need a new case… as much as I feel I need a better PSU (as I don’t really know how old it is).
A case is literally a steel (or an aluminum) box that you mount your hardware in.
A PSU however.., that’s a different story. This is why prioritizing to this is a smart move.

EDIT (5/3/19): New post, where the total price came down nearly $100 for the same items.

Posted in Computing, Personal | Comments Off on The great debate to upgrade my computer

Moon’s birthday party went well.. a bit too well (as ‘something’ happened)

Posted on 04-29-2019 by Benie

Last night, Wuffer and I did what we had done before; used our phones to talk while we went to bed. Finally I’m able to use the new phone for its intended purpose. But, the same issue from my Android phone still persists (the mic disabling when plugging in my earbuds).
Only thing I can think of, is to find some kind of earbuds that have a built-in mic. This way, only I will hear him while I talk (and he won’t hear himself).
Woke up about 11:30am, looked over and saw “call failed”. The fuck?? He said the next time we do this, to use Discord instead. So we’ll try it.
Also, I told him how my current earbuds are dying (because of my damn ears over-producing wax, gumming everything up), and thought of getting a pair of headphones instead (ones that won’t go in the ear). And he shared this, of what he currently has. Typically the price is $125, but I was in luck of the price dropping to $75 (about a 30% savings). It’s wireless (connects to my existing Bluetooth 4.0 dongle), so I don’t have to deal with any more cables. Also has a mic, so hopefully a clearer voice (and more noise cancellation).
–
So I placed the order (free shipping, scheduled to arrive either by the end of this week or Wednesday of next week). Also ordered the thing I needed for my phone, supposed to arrive on the 3rd (no free shipping with that one)… though at the time I’m writing this, I’m wondering if that was a good idea (and may have to cancel it).
Anyway, I joined him at Moon_Shadow’s birthday party. He has turned 21 years old, and good for him. Now he can legally drink (if he wanted to). We had a lot of fun. There’s a piece of cake that can kill you if you’re hit by it (or you can kill yourself). We were having fun trying to see who got the cake slice and trolled their friends with it. There were also party poppers and celser bottles to spray friends with (some took it a bit too far by acting like they were.. ya know). But hey, what do you expect from stereotypical furries?
Wuffer on the other hand, was still quite sleepy from this outing he had Saturday (and stayed with me instead of going to bed early). So I stayed with him and gave him
cuddles, and he enjoyed that.
Only other thing to note.. Garruk showed up. But I think he saw myself being near
Wuffer, that he possibly understood what this meant. One time he did get really close to me and was nuzzling my leg (while Wuffer was nuzzling my face). So I asked him “so
how’s your boyfriend? Have you two been enjoying life?” Either he didn’t really like me asking that, or I couldn’t understand what he said. It makes me happier it never worked out between us (and Wuffer stepped in when he did).
Overall? Absolutely no drama happened. Wuffer and I are both quite happy with that.

Fast forward to this morning, I am now quite worried I may have just lost him (for good). We were watching YouTube videos, then Kovo sends me a request to join us. I tell Wuffer this, and he asks “who?” I said “Kovo asked me if he can come here.” Again he askes
“who?” ..What? Have you forgotten who Kovo is all the sudden? I saw him looking through a menu as I was trying to explain what was going on, then he says “all I know is something very important came up and I have to go.” Asked if he would be gone long, and he never answered (only repeating what he said). Before he left, I almost heard him saying “I love you”, so I said “I love you too” while nuzzling his muzzle.
Then he leaves into another private world, and stayed there for hours. He has muted himself in the call.
–
I tried my best to stay calm, actually hanging out with Kovo again (seems everything’s OK between us, so that’s good). But what really made me sick was looking at his ingame status… changed back to ‘Single’ (back to before he DMd me). The HELL is GOING ON?! And so this is the part what I meant by “I feel I just lost him”, as I saw him log out. He still hasn’t called me, and won’t respond to DMs. He won’t even answer his phone (got his answering machine). I can almost see the hell Lone went with Wufy those three
days, not knowing what the hell he did.
And just like him, I don’t know what to think! Did he go after Ballistic for answers (even though I told him to let it go, how that’s all in the past now)? Or could it had been something ‘simple’ as a problem in his family, that his grandfather may’ve passed away. …But that doesn’t explain why he was in a private world for hours, and changed his status back to before he DMed me.
One thing I have noticed, he hasn’t blocked me in Discord or unfriended me in
VRChat. I’m confused and feel sick to my stomach. But maybe I’m just overreacting (as usual).
So… all I can do is wait for the afternoon and try to call him when I get up, see if he’ll respond then. And if he does, he’ll probably say “what do you mean you saw my status change? You know I still love you. I said it before I left.”
That to me is the only positive outcome, and I would explain to him what Lone went through with Wufy (how he was worried too).

EDIT: Woke up around 10:41am, my stomach feeling sick from feeling worried. Tried calling him again, no response. Checked Discord… he’s playing VRChat?! WHAT THE FUCK?! Is he cheating on me?!
Okay, I was willing to say that he “fell off the face of the planet”, and then I see that. Now I feel even more sick, and my head starts singing the Scooby-Doo song (but having it replaced with Wuffer).
“Wuffer Wuffer Doo, where are you? I need you here with me now!
Wuffer Wuffer Doo, where ARE YOU?! Why are you doing this to me now??
You know we got back together and you do this thing to me, where are you? Answer me! Please answer your phone so I won’t have to worry again! Come on dude!”
A few minutes before it was time to officially get out of bed, he calls me in Discord. He tells me that he “must’ve fallen asleep” and is extremely sorry for making me worry. Then it occurred to me (with that picnic thing he had Saturday morning and didn’t get enough sleep), and I feel dumb. As for VRChat, he was surprised to hear his status changed. So that means both VRChat and Discord were trolling me by displaying outdated status reports. Fuckin’ A.
*deep sighs* Thank goodness that’s over.

EDIT2: This evening has been quite rocky, and I even once thought he lied to me about that whole thing this morning. It got to the point where I decided to fully cancel the order for the earbuds (with the mic). But since things are good again, I have since reordered them, but they’ll be coming three days later than originally ordered.
Anyway, yesterday I asked DJ for the ‘Quantum Armband’ (the one I’ve seen used to show the name of their lover ingame). Told Wuffer that the hell I went through positioning
it, I would need to help him (via Parsec) if he wanted it. He acted like he wanted to, but we never had a time for it. Evening came and he still didn’t seem interested, so I tried to get my headset ready to play VRChat.
Had to get the batteries replaced, and that’s when I started talking to myself, frustrated about all of this. I feel like he’s doing it again; refusing to tell me what’s on his mind. I kept asking him “is everything OK, hun?”, he said Yes, but I felt he was lying to me. So I asked him if the armband was a sign of ‘rushing it’, and he said yes. Promptly went in Unity and disabled the band on my avatar (for now), and told him. Then he tells me something that convinced me was the reason why he left and didn’t come back on ’till nearly 12pm.
–
At 11pm last night, he said Ren sent him a DM reminding him of an unfortunate lie I told Wuffer (how I was bi when I was actually straight). *sighs* One of the main reasons why we broke up.
I went after Ren in hopes I could convince him (“this time it’s different, I’m 100%
bi!”), while also trying to convince Wuffer. Though I did, he asked “what about real life?” This is when I was forced to tell him something too embarrassing to mention in here, that I can ‘handle it’. He then went partially mute when I said “I’ll give you some time. If you still don’t believe me, then I completely understand.”
During that time, I explained everything I said to myself; holding nothing back.. even mentioning about how I was ‘happy’ when Ballistic told me (and I told Lone). Finally ending by saying “honestly, I feel you should forget about me and seek out an actual gay person instead of a bi”. The reason I said that, is he seems to get ‘bi’ mixed with ‘gay’.

He came back, asking in a concerned tone “you really want me to forget about you?” Stopped talking for just a bit, then sighed and said “Wuffer, I just want you to be
happy.” He asks “why do you think I’m not happy?” I asked “are you truly happy with
me, even from what happened before?”.. and he quickly said “Yes!!” Then I said I swear I will never lie to him again, that it was a mistake and it’ll never happen.
He thanked me for being honest for him, adding on that he dated someone about 7-8 years ago, and this was the first in a very long time he’s heard someone being so honest with him.
And.. I choked up after that, wanting to do nothing but hug him so tight and tell him how much I love him. He wanted to do the same. Thank you, for being more than just a true
friend, but being someone I can trust who will always tell me if something’s bothering you about us.
So at the end, we not only saved our relationship, we made it even stronger than before. 🙂 Personally, I feel we should take our Discord call up a notch and switch to video. I want to see the face (in realtime) that loves me. He saw mine when I tried out FaceTime for the first time, but I feel this needs to happen more. Only then will we finally see the love outside of our avatars (how he wants it).
As for the armband, as I said it will wait for a later time. I want him to feel comfortable. Also, he defended what he told me about falling asleep, happily clearing my assumption that it was my fault he did (it never was.. very happy for that).
–
Finally he said he’s going to be a Twitch streamer on VRChat. Quite happy for him, and said I’ll make sure to stop by to say hi (and give him a kiss).
I am so relieved we’re still together, but as I said, I need to see the face behind the wolf avatar. It’s the only way to see if this relationship will work IRL (as he wants it).

Posted in Computing, Drama, Personal | Comments Off on Moon’s birthday party went well.. a bit too well (as ‘something’ happened)

The Afterdrama — Friendships in jeopardy, and why we all need a chill pill

Posted on 04-28-2019 by Benie

The drama that happened a few days ago — even though what started it is now ended — is still ongoing in another form. Patience is being tested, and long-held friendships could be lost. Sadly, this drama is local to Kovo’s group (affecting Kovo and Vale). I.. just want this foolishness to end (before I feel Kovo loses me as a friend).
So what’s going on now? From what I understand, it was the time where Sarge and Lich posted their evidence against Jusper. Behind the scenes (and unknown to me), Kovo told Lich not to post it in our Discord. Yet they do it anyway. Look, they were wrong for doing so. …But it’s time to chill the fuck out and walk away.
Though Kovo feels I’m not seeing the full picture (especially now he has beef with
Jusper, claiming he’s “just like that group”, caring for the model more than
friendships).. how!? Jusper has been helping me to get back into VR! But again, I don’t seem to get it (according to him). I told him if he doesn’t let this drama go, he’ll be no better than Lich. And he said “I can say the same”.
*blink* ..Okay, pal, you seriously need to chill. Do you see me pissed off? Of course, I haven’t spoken to Lich since he wanted to end the drama (I have no need), but I’m not making a big fucking deal about it, dude.
–
I’m just going to stay out of it before this escalates any further, think it would be best for my mental health. Not to mention I’m dealing with my own drama, of trying to get everyone I spoke to (when I was convinced Wuffer was a bad person, as they convinced me), to change their opinions about him.
Jusper feels Wuffer’s just going to lie again, but said “you do you”. And Lone, I don’t think is going to give me an answer. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m happy. But it’s bothering
Wuffer, and making him wish he never came back to VRChat. Says he can’t join groups he used to, because of people being against him.
I only told a very small minority, though, and they honestly don’t really care that I’m with him again. Pretty sure all they’ll say is “don’t come crying to us when he dumps you”.
All I can say to that is, I pray that doesn’t (and never) happens. We’re taking things quite slow now (I even tested him, and he passed by reminding me), so I think I’ll be OK.

But, I don’t know if I can hang out with Kovo (or even with his group) anymore. I’m scared he’s going to get hostile or something, for defending Jusper. Personally (at this
time), defending =/= being a close friend. But I may not be allowed to be his friend if Kovo’s this pissed.
I dunno what to think, except back off and let this play out. I have tried my best to convince him to calm down, and it only gets worse. Apparently I’m not seeing the full picture that’s somewhere in his head, and he won’t tell me what it is. Can’t ask Lone, as he has his own drama to deal with.
Just glad I have Wuffer again (for the time being). Who knows, I might lose him during Moon’s birthday party tomorrow (especially when he finds out most of the drama was because of what he did to me.. when I was assuming he cheated on Ballistic(and in turn cheated on me), as I didn’t know the full story.
–
But he’s also bothered by the money thing (and claiming he got robbed). He told me I should had told him when Ballistic told me..
Image result for yeah about that
So um, Wuffer, babe.. first off, at the time, I was still assuming you cheated on Ballistic with me (extremely glad to hear you weren’t, by the way).
Second, Ballistic put up quite a convincing argument that felt well-linked to what Sneaky originally told me about you. When he heard the second thing, he said “Sneaky is a cunt that can die in a fire” and “just stop speaking to Sneaky.” I actually haven’t for a long while. Only times I have spoken to him (since then), is if he just so happens to say “hey” if he’s in the room with friends I wanna hang out and chill with.
Third, he mentioned “I don’t get why people can’t just talk it out”. What he did to me back then (with that friend), and he expected me to talk..?! I tried talking (when it was happening), and he wouldn’t listen. That wasn’t my fault, it was his. Furthermore, he had PLENTY of chances to ask to speak to me in private and talk about it, to defend himself. He didn’t.. of course, myself running from him when he’s in the same world (and eventually unfriending/re-blocking), didn’t help him much.

.
Look, we both fucked up (except he fucked up worse). All I can say, is I pray Lone doesn’t see us together (as I totally didn’t tell him he(Wuffer) ‘got fucked’ and was ‘happy’, feeling like I ‘got my revenge’). Totally didn’t happen, and totally didn’t write it in a blog post!!
Like, totally man!

Posted in Drama, Personal | Comments Off on The Afterdrama — Friendships in jeopardy, and why we all need a chill pill