Up and down, back and forth goes the ever present ‘Jero drama’. From him always
being “very tired” or “so exhausted” (that even he himself admits is a problem) of not being able to see me (or even say hi to me in Discord). Such a recurring theme, huh? Him also failing to be communicative. ..And you’d think I would’ve learned from this fucking mistake by now and just kept him as a friend.
…*sighs* Because he’s the only one I know, that doesn’t push me into anything I feel uncomfortable (such as changing my life). He also doesn’t make me feel I can’t be with my friends when around him (unlike others), because I’m too scared to say the wrong
things, or too nervous to say no thinking what they wanna do that’s nice would ‘only happen once on a blue moon’ (and I don’t want to disappoint them).
And this is why I don’t really want to look for another, even with how frustrated I get with him sometimes. I can’t just move on like I could in the past. I did mean what I said
before: “nobody can replace Jero”. …Because he doesn’t try to change me. 😑
This is why they say “change your own life, before you attempt to change the life of another”.
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But I lowkey worry that either I, or Jero is going to one day cause the other to end the relationship. And I feel it’ll be Jero ‘making that decision’ due to stress of his job and of me once again (as I said above) simply requesting him to work on his communication (and also to do something about his overly tired nature).
But at the same time, when you’re stressed I can understand you rather not ‘discuss your failures’ with anyone. ..Because he’s (allegedly) going to be fired, on Monday. And it’ll
be ‘his fault’ (as his boss would see it).
So what happened to him, is… asshole coworkers either took tools from Jero’s father’s work van and never returned them.., or stole them. I’m scared to think it could be racial profiling or something (because he and his father are black), but that doesn’t really matter if Jero can’t find those tools to clear his name.
And I dunno if he has found the tools or not. He won’t tell me anything (again, lack of communication).
I fear the stress of him losing his job, combined with my aforementioned requests, is going to send him over the edge and end the relationship. He’s probably going to feel that I could find a better person that him, that ‘doesn’t fail in life’. And of course my response would be a big, fat “NO”. But his mindset might not allow me to save the relationship. That’s what scares me. *sigh*
Else, he might just completely stop talking to me (aka ghost me). …Or let his emotions take control, which makes him end up taking his own life. Lord forbid on that.
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EDIT: Two days later (on the 28th)…
It seems he has chosen the ‘ghost me’ option. But I have to remain patient. Because remember what I said when Jero had just gotten his job, how I was preparing myself for this but not prepared for him to either stop talking to me on Discord and/or stop seeing me in VRChat for just one time a month? I’m still sticking with that plan.
…And he has stopped talking to me since the 25th; two days with zero communication from him (the 28th). Plus, on the 27th, I noticed he went on red status in VRChat. Now you could argue that again it’s because his sister wants to play.. but usually he tells me
this (after I asked him to), and he wouldn’t need to use red status. He told me before that orange status works for that.
No, he’s clearly trying to avoid people. I dunno if this is just me, or someone else who got under his fur. Yet it couldn’t be Grey again. …*sighs* I dunno. All I wanna know is.. why? If he is trying to avoid me, why? Why not just, you know, tell me he wants to end the relationship and be done with it? Why try to avoid me? That’s the childish way.
But it really matters not, for I’m going to give him two months to the time he stopped talking to me (aka May 25th). If he still lacks the courage to talk to me for some bizarre reason, then I’m ending the relationship. “But Benie, two days? Don’t you feel that’s unfair on him for you to be talking like this? Why not just give it a week and then say all of
this?” you’re probably asking. Well, either you’re new to the server or you haven’t really been following me. Either way, just look on the top right of this blog post and
search ‘Jero’, and be blown away with the number of posts I’ve talked about him.
Anyway, I’m just starting to grow tired with his lack of communication. ..This is really it, in a nutshell. This is the only flaw he has that I just cannot tolerate. I..I feel I was lied to when he said he would ‘try’ to change it, and I feel I’ve given him more than enough chances to change it. Yet I also know, what he does isn’t intentional. Nothing he does, is ever intentional. And I would even teach him how to be communicative, if he would be willing to learn it. I kept hoping it would come naturally to him, but I really need to stop that because it clearly isn’t going to happen.
This is why I’m giving him two months to ‘shape up or ship out’. I don’t think I’m being unfair, for the months he’s done this to me and has no intention to wanna learn this on his own. I still remember the second time I dated him, with Wufy and others confronting him about this problem, and literally within the next day he played the “can we just be
friends” card, aka wanting to ‘take the easy way out’, instead of wanting to learn.
I lost count on the number of times I’ve told him “communication is key to a healthy relationship”, and it just goes in one ear and out the other. Yet again, he isn’t trying to do this intentionally! But if (or when) it becomes two months with zero communication from
him (with him continuing to get on VRChat in red status), I’m no longer going to care if it’s unintentional, or not.
And even if…even IF he contacts me again before that deadline happens, I still want him to learn to be more communicative, and be willing to learn. And the relationship could still end even before the deadline if he doesn’t want to be taught. By that point it’ll be clear to me he has no true interest in maintaining a healthy relationship, and I deserve better.
But I’m not going to end my friendship. Heavens no. Yeah, I would need to move on, but I still feel.. glued to him. Because even with this lack of communication, Jero’s still an absolute sweetheart. And if he decides to get a new BF (which I doubt he’d ever be interested in dating anyone after that point (possibly for the rest of his life)), I will warn his BF to watch out for Jero’s lack of communication.
I’ve said before, that he’s the only one that I know I can trust, and doesn’t try to change me. And also trying to find another Jero-like person would take a very long
time (months, maybe even years), but it has to beat dealing with someone who doesn’t seem to understand telling your lover that you’re still fucking ALIVE is a great idea to
do.
Of course I don’t really need to worry about his ‘un-alive status’, as his non-understandable attempt of keeping me from being with him in VRChat, is showing that he still very much is alive. But he just might stop doing that too. Still dunno why he’s doing this, and why he feels he needs to avoid me (or someone else).
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But until May 25th, I will wait patiently for him to respond (and no other messages will be sent to him). Something tells me I won’t have to wait long, but we will see.
“Why didn’t you just move on before? You claim he’s done this so many times, why don’t you just leave him?”, and you would have your point if you would be asking this. But again you haven’t been reading all of my posts about him.
To sum it up if you’re the ‘TL;DR’ type of person, it’s the good memories (him being an absolute sweetheart when he is communicative) and knowing he never means to do these things to me, that keeps bringing me back to him like a boomerang. But after May 25th (or him deciding to end the relationship of not being able to handle being communicative (at least give an emoji to indicate he’s busy)), that’s going to change.
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EDIT2: He actually responded, and things are quite better. Though I never really had a chance to bring up the communication problem (to work on it), I now understand why he’s been doing what he’s doing. And it also explains why he’s been so tired. ..The man hardly gets any sleep, or time to himself! More on this later.
First off, he didn’t get fired. The ones that stole the tools, returned them. So I guess you could say they ‘borrowed’ them? But what he told me what happened to him and his
father (that nearly sent them to the hospital if it wasn’t for Jero’s quick thinking), being told you’re fired would be possibly the best thing that could happen to him. Honestly.
Their boss has a brother. And the brother has been taking a lot of various drugs. And this brother, has been allowed to work as the boss has vouched for his brother.
The brother has been working with Jero and his father.. and making their lives a living nightmare to where he’s fucking up their hard work, and getting away with it because he’s the boss’ brother. The worst was yet to come, but somehow Jero got a vision of something really bad about to happen, to alert his father not to ride in the back or the front seat of the truck with the boss’s brother driving, as it might be the last thing that happens to him. But his father played it off of Jero just being ‘paranoid’.
And yesterday, that same dire vision actually happened. Can’t remember everything he
said, but they were in a large parking lot and Jero’s father was driving the truck, with Jero in the passenger’s seat. The boss’s brother offered to drive in his place. Jero looked at his father in a “don’t do it!!” stare, but his father let the brother drive anyway, with him setting in the back seat.
Then Jero told me the boss’s brother popped the clutch, then jumped out of the van (I’m not making this shit up).. So, the van was moving with no driver in the parking lot, and it was heading for the street, with lots of people. And it was moving quite fast and picking up speed.
Jero managed to get into the driver’s seat and put the clutch back into place and slammed on the brakes, stopping the van. Clearly his fight or flight response went into overdrive and I’m glad it did, as he saved his life and his father’s. And you would think the brother wouldn’t just be fired, but charged for attempted murder. But nothing. happened. to him. Why? He’s the boss’s brother. And when you’re the boss’s brother, you get a ‘get out of being fired’ card.
Today, the brother nearly got Jero and his father fired by installing cable in the wrong direction, and making the two having to redo all of their effort.
Outside of his job, he told me the hours got changed which is why he’s working more hours and able to enjoy less. So they’re working them to the bone, which is why he hasn’t been on Discord. He’s just been so tired, and that’s understandable.
I’m just glad nothing bad happened from all of this. When I saw him come on, I thought he was ready to end it. Told myself to be ready, but deep down I feared it would turn sour for both of us. Thank goodness, I was wrong. We’re still together. He still loves me, and I still love him. And what he said has finally made me no longer feel he’s trying to avoid me.
Just wonder when the next time my mind will go places it shouldn’t. Because I will promise you.. this probably won’t be the last time when I’ll once again feel he’s avoiding me, or not being communicative enough, instead of just stepping back, taking a deep breath, …and trying to tell myself he doesn’t fucking do these things to me on
purpose.
But I’ll end up forgetting about it, and this’ll happen again. I could do well with reading my own blog posts and realize nothing he does is intentional. But it seems I literally have to be reminded (multiple times), by Jero, for it to sink IN. 😑
But forgive me, because a history of him not being communicative tends to take its toll on me and that’s where my mind goes to, instead of more recent events.