So this is going to be a ‘brief’ post. As I was typing the post for what happened that night of being surrounded by good friends, I was writing the script. Been rewriting and editing it the best I could.
I’ve also been trying to think of how I’m going to do this thing (in VR). I can dock my monitors to my controllers.. however I cannot scroll them in that mode. Mibit had suggested I’d get OVR Toolkit for that. But I’ve thought of a much cheaper way to do this using what I have. And that is prerecording the script through Audacity, and then using my Alexa’s passthrough to play it through my Index’s mic. This way it’ll look like I’m talking, and all I need to do is ‘play act’.
Though I dunno if I can even do this. I’ve never tried it. Going to have to test this first. The other problem is.. the mic quality won’t sound legitimate (as I would be talking through my wireless headset instead of my Index’s mic). He might know the difference, and think it’s not genuine enough to be considered for an apology. Though, I can just be honest with him.
…But, this whole thing might be a waste a time. Tonight I just happened to look at who’s online on our server and saw..
It just.. popped out of nowhere in the sea of green and yellow statuses. My mind started going places. Such as: did someone.. message him about me?! Could’ve been Kat. She wanted to help. Though she never messaged me on Telegram saying she got blocked by him. So… maybe not?
I dunno why my brain wanted to point at fingers of ‘who angered the otter’. Could’ve been noone. But why I feel worried, is to me this is him saying “I know what you’re trying to do. Don’t even try to apologize to me. I won’t believe you. You are a racist, for hanging out with racist people. And I don’t want anything to do with you. You will be wasting your time. Let. me. go.”
Yet, I could’ve sworn in the past, I’ve seen him on red status. He likely was doing something that he doesn’t want to be bothered. Maybe went on Discord by mistake. And who’s to say he wasn’t on red status before what happened yesterday? He could be avoiding someone else. Maybe Fluffy. …OSHI– Fluffy! He’s the reason Jero rarely checks his Telegram! I remember him telling me that! …That’s not really gonna help me right now though.
–
Think I just need to relax and tell myself I was only overreacting. This is JERO I’m talking about! Why would he get this pissed off?! This entire thing isn’t that big of a deal, honestly.
Actually, I dunno why but I no longer want him back. I feel more annoyed than scared of seeing him go on red status, where I truly feel like it’s not worth it.
I think it was myself just saying “this entire thing isn’t that big of a deal” that made me realize it’s the truth. I have been nothing, but obsessed to Jero all of this time. Ever since I met him, my mind refuses to get him go. That, is not normal. That, is a problem. It’s unhealthy. Nothing but posts about Jero this and Jero that.
How can one random guy on the internet, cause my brain to not let these thoughts go? Jero is my drug, where I just keep wanting more of him. And now he’s gone, it felt I was going through ‘drug withdraw’. And hmmm.. what are the symptoms of drug withdraw? Let’s see…
“Agitation”? Literally what I’m doing right now, so CHECK!
“Crying”? Check!
“Irritability”? Check! ..As it’s happening more often than usual.
“Self-Harm”? Slight check, however ‘Thoughts of suicide’ is more like it.
“Depression”? All the time! But not really anything new, so.. uncheck.
“Racing thoughts”? Check!
“Boredom”? Most of the time! But not really anything new, so.. uncheck.
“Feeling detached from self”? Check!
“Lost of interest or pleasure in activities”? VRChat mainly. So ..CHECK!!
Interestingly, I don’t see ‘Insanity’ in these lists anywhere. Or ‘not letting go’. They should really add these to the drug withdraw list.
Anyway, I talked to Mibit about it, and he feels I should completely rewrite my script to be more of a half-apology.. and half preparing for closure if it absolutely comes to Jero just not giving a fuck about me anymore.
That would definitely help my mindset to focus on that, to prepare for the realization that I might have to force myself.. to let him go and move on (for my own mental state). I hope that doesn’t have to happen. But if it does.. I’m gonna have to do it. I’m not going to go through another 6 long months thinking about him. I refuse.
I have completely rewrote my script, including about the whole ‘can’t let him go’ thing. And at the end I gave him a choice of what he’s upset more of: the way I didn’t see this from his perspective or the fact I’m friends with ‘racists’.
I’m curious what his response would be.. if he’s even going to respond at all. But there’s one of five ways he’ll respond.
Best outcome: Refriends me in Discord and all is forgiven.
Good outcome: Reads and responds to my messages in Telegram and all is forgiven.
-OR-
Worst outcome: Deliberately ignores Mibit’s response for days/weeks/months/years just like he’s ignoring me in Telegram.
Bad outcome #1: Blocks Mibit in Discord and VRChat.
Bad outcome #2: Tells Mibit to “fuck off” then doing Bad outcome #1.
(Really) Bad outcome: Messages me in Telegram, only to say “fuck off” and then
does Bad outcome #1.
Which do YOU think would happen? I have nothing to hide and I want to make that perfectly clear with this script.
Well.. there is one thing I am hiding that I must. And that was my opinion about Mibit to Jero. Even if I was to do the recording myself, Mibit would still be editing it and see my message about him. ..Rather not have that on top of this. However I had secretly put in the message, by saying “So despite what I’ve told you in the past, we’re working together for this.” ..What worries me is Mibit might ask to know what I told Jero about him. Though I could lie by saying “it was nothing big” and hope he buys it.