Hello, yes. Yes I am. Good lord it’s been.. 5 months since I’ve posted!? I apologize for all the concerning emails about my health and if I stopped blogging altogether.
So let me explain my hiatus…
Though my health is fine. So far I’m COVID-free. Been occasionally coughing here and there but that’s mainly due to the insane pollen levels that I’m sure most of you are enduring. The sneezing, the watery (itchy) eyes.. it’s been pretty bad this year for allergies.
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As for the other, I simply had just lost interest in blogging. You all knew something was up since last year when I was posting less and less. Plus the whole blogging thing felt it was taking time away out of doing things I wanted to do. Gaming. Hanging with friends. Raiding in Destiny 2. I just never had time to blog anymore.
There’s actually four things I want to say here.
First and foremost, I must report a tragic passing in my family. My father, has passed away on January 8th, from ‘end stage renal disease’. As much as we never really saw eye to
eye… I still miss him at times. And though it’s been four years since he died, my mother is still in a state of disbelief he’s gone. She has not been the same since then. He was her soulmate. He was her everything. ..*sigh* I wish I could feel this feeling of grief she
feels, so I can fully understand what he meant to her.
But, you guys know me. You guys know the struggles I’ve had with my family (especially the big ones that had ruined my mood for the rest of that day). Hell, one time I had a dream of my father abusing me (which was very weird as my father never ever laid a finger on me in an abusive way). But it was pretty scary when I woke up and realized I was back in.. well, I’ll leave that for the next thing I wanna say.
So my father passed away in possibly the best way a human being could ever pass
away– in their sleep, at home, with Hosparus care. It’s so much better than dying in a hospital.. especially with COVID-19 running amok.
Now, about 15 years ago, my father was coming to pick me up from the computer repair place and was involved in a bad accident that broke his right leg. I felt really bad about that and swore I would learn how to build a computer, to make sure he never has to take me up again. They also found a black spot on one of his kidneys, believed it could be cancerous but warned him to watch and see if it gets any bigger. It never really did over the years.
Two weeks before he died, my father told us he lost the taste of food (how it never tasted right). He was sluggish, never having the energy to really do anything. He had essentially given up on life, mainly because of one of our neighbors passing away last year that was one of his best friends. My mother wants to put the blame on this neighbor, being all “if he never met him, your father wouldn’t had given up”. Kind of selfish, yes?
To give the short story of what happened to him afterwards, my mother (and even Hosparus) believes the hospital killed him. I still remember him being able to walk on his own and get on the stretcher and go to the hospital, and coming back.. a completely changed man who was bedridden until the morning he died. What’s even more disturbing is how my father kept telling us “you take me to the hospital, they’ll kill me”. …And he was right. We– we thought he was talking about COVID.
I– I. ..*sighs* We..thought we were doing the right thing! He was peeing blood, my mother panicked. Thought it was only going to be an afternoon visit and he would be back to normal. …He didn’t come back until three days later. Three long days of trying my best to be strong for my mother, fighting back every doubt she threw at me.
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A day before he died, he started hiccuping like crazy. Nothing my mother did could stop it. He was prescribed pills, that stopped it for a half an hour. Then he started back up again. Gave him another pill, and finally he stopped. That night, I was on my computer as usual and I heard the telltale sign of death approaching from his room; the death rattle. My mother swears to this day, that’s when he died when it stopped.
8 in the morning, Hosparus was called to check up on him. They checked his heart… he was gone. Official death: January 8th, 2021. His legs were cold as ice. He has finally left this mortal shell. That’s all it was, a lifeless body. And it’s going to scar me for the rest of my life.
The months that followed, myself and my mother haven’t really gotten along. But both of us lean on eachother for support. And I know I have my true friends, who are almost like family to me. Mommy Nova and Daddy Kovo. lol
This brings me to the second of four things to say. About a month ago, my mother’s been trying to get rid of my father’s stuff (mainly to remove the painful memories). One day I was in my father’s lifeless room while she was outside talking to a friend of ours. Looking out the window, I enjoyed the view I saw. Looked around the walls, and started thinking to myself: “what if I was to move into his old room? I can put my computer table here, my dresser there.. oh holy FUCK!! The SPACE I’LL HAVE FOR VR!! *gasp* Full body will be more of a possibility!! :D”
It took nearly three days, several times my mother wanted to say “fuck this” due to.. I rather not talk about all the mess we had to clean up from years among years, but now I’m currently typing this from my new room.
Not going to lie though– sometimes (though rarely) I can almost see him in here. I still have memories of where his hospital bed was and when he died. Though I do my best to shake them off, knowing I got my own life to worry about.
Brings me to the third and final (forth) thing to say. I’ve been living in this house, a majority of my entire life (since 1991)– approximately 29 years of my life. And in those 29 years, I’ve been living with my parents (now my mother), and have been having to pay rent for living here.
Due to my father passing, I now get double what I had before (no longer under SSI, but called “survivor’s benefits”). Due to personal security, I won’t explain just how much more I got.
Anyway, my mother discovered I am smart enough to not only learn how to drive and get a car.. I have a golden opportunity to finally live the life I should had. Aka, move out and get an apartment. And best of all, I get to keep this government money. I no longer have to pay for rent. This, is an opportunity a LOT of people would love to be able to have– not have to work and essentially get free money to survive and pay bills with.
This means, my future isn’t as grim as it was before. Before, I would be given away to the state when my mother dies, and survive only with the clothes on my back. One of my father’s coworkers, literally saved my life by convincing me I am smart enough to survive on my own. I know how to cook. I know how to clean. I know how to balance my
budget.
You don’t know how relieved I am. And if I don’t move out, I get to keep the house as its new homeowner (when my mother dies). So yeah. My future’s bright. Gotta wear shades.
Also comes with quite the surprise. See, the whole ‘I can move out thing’.. this has been a thing since I turned 18 years old. Thankfully none of us knew, else my father (who was very much alive and kicking back then) would had happily thrown me out of the house. …Yeah. Very glad none of us knew (especially them).
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So.. that’s basically what’s been going on (IRL wise). Does this mean I’ll finally start blogging normally again? *shrug* Maybe. We’ll see. Really depends on how I feel and the topic at hand.
But I’ll keep paying for this website as long as I can afford it. That’s a given.
Also, look soon’ish for a post in the Games blog, explaining the exciting potential for full body (and my options for it). Not to mention a coming soon post about more VRChat love drama! Yum!