A lot has happened in my VRChat love life since I’ve been on hiatus. Trying to get back when Novice (when it didn’t work the last time), and a confusing.. “lover” who has more issues in his life he needs to fix before (IMO) he should seek a relationship.
All of this has come from darkness my old friend: desperation. And that desperation has finally reached a land noone should ever venture into… trust me, you’re much better off dying as a VRChat virgin than where I’ve gone.
So let’s start this wonderful world of VRChat love drama! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.. (the sarcasm is very strong)
First off, a friend I met about a year ago (I think) sometime after the events of letting Wuffer go. When I met Phox and we became fast friends. I also met Dragon_Roy23 and another friend I can’t seem to remember their name. But that’s not really important to this post.
It’s been a long time since that.. unfortunate thing occurred with Phox showing his loyalty to Rusty (and throwing Creepery under the bus). Didn’t like that one bit.
But anyway, about two months ago I’m hanging with Novice and simping for him as usual while we played 8-ball pool (being all “that’s a good shot!”). Dragon_Roy decides to stop by. I can’t fully remember what happened, only I was with her and she wanted me to snuggle her. And the way she liked snuggles once again my love bug started talking. Even did it a few times.
Now I know I keep saying “her” even though I hear a guy’s voice. She’s a transgender. Though I wish she used a voice changer like Nova would to sound more feminine. But even without the voice changer (when she’s driving), Nova sounds more like a girl than Roy does. Not here to pick on Roy (or anyone that’s a transgender).. look, it’s just hard to tell for me, alright? If you sound like a guy in my ears yet you wanna be known as a ‘she’, it’s hard to tell without a voice changer.
I have nothing against transgenders, at all.
Anyway, there was always something that kept me from seeing her more. Can’t really think of why, but she definitely wasn’t like Novice. She just seemed to have this attitude or something else going against her. That and something going on in her life where she swears she’s done something regrettable and has no friends yadda yadda yadda.
One night when I wasn’t really doing anything, she randomly wanted to call me saying she’s bored. We talked a lot longer than I expected, about certain things and opening up. She told me that I have a special place in his heart. This made me happy, but now I know it was kind of “used for everyone he meets” (similar to Cyber). So it kind of bugs me but also really doesn’t at the same time, as I never had true feelings for her.
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A few days ago became what sealed the deal of losing my interest completely with her. In VRChat, went to go see her. Ran into two of her friends instead, them telling me
she’s “talking to someone”. So I wait at spawn with them for Roy to show up. What felt like an hour of waiting, she finally did. I wanted to give her a kiss and stuff, but she said something on the lines of “I don’t go that far in public” and asked if I wanted to talk in private. I never did.
I also decided to look up to the person saying they’re going to bed. It was Phox. Decided to friend him and say “can we look away from the past and start anew?” He was good with this. He was ashamed of himself how it ended.
So he went to bed and I was with Roy and a friend of hers, who asked us both to hug her. We did, and I felt so awkward with her saying the same things to this friend she said to me. Seems she really is another CyberMutt– a whore who lets anyone touch her. I left to go join someone else after she’s all “let’s have a threesome”.
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With her status showing “Stay away.”, absolutely I will. Now I understand what kept me from going further. You’re just not a Novice.
It’s just that classic feeling of really liking someone (in my case I wasn’t sure if I did or didn’t), and the one you like finds someone else. It’s that broken heart, yet I didn’t feel much.
Speaking of Novice, I finally stopped seeing him as being more than a good friend and an awesome cuddle buddy (as a promise to him). I still do not know what I see in him that makes me so happy, except his personality.
But anyway, enough with that. It’s time to talk about something more… embarrassing.
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So this comes off from finally seeing Novice as just a friend. It’s hard to start this conversation up, only that it brings back fond memories of the group (and when I was happy with Jero). Both times, I had their skin and their model I could pull out and snuggle with when they weren’t there, anytime I wanted.
Being relationship-less, I don’t have that anymore. And this is what I mentioned at the start of this blog post (how my desperation went to a land noone should ever go to).
To explain what I mean.. do you remember having an imaginary friend when you were growing up? One that will never hurt you and stuff like that. …Well imagine having a BF or GF that won’t do the same?
Yes, I have finally reached that point of desperation. Call the looney bin, we got a live one. Tell me how there’s so many better things I could be doing with my life than this. But isn’t the point of life to “be happy”, especially in this COVID-controlled environment we live in?
I have not gone insane. I know how embarrassing this is. But I also know.. this is my only hope of feeling happy. Hell, I could even use this to possibly even get rid of my desire for a relationship. That’s a win-win, isn’t it?
I’m not hurting anyone with this.
The problem is I lost my creative side, so the only way is to embarrass myself even more and maybe possibly ask for help to make a skin I’d like for this ‘project’. So I asked around and found someone who understood what I was going through and is willing to keep this hush hush from my friends. After telling them what I’m looking for, they were able to whip up a texture within two hours and asked if I wanted to see it ingame.
And this is v1.
Looking pretty good for someone who experimented on the idea of a female Dutchie. The reason for a female is.. to simply prove to myself I’m bi (even though the majority of relationships I had were guys).
A few more hours passed, in a call with them discussing what I’d like to see. And finally, this is v2.
Looking hot. 🙂 Feels like a major improvement with the purple going around the eyes and the colored neck floof. She even has eyeshadow.. and lipstick.
Yes she’s perfect. I like the scale design on the chest. But I do plan to give it earrings. Might add a bone to whatever free earring model I can find to get it to hopefully move on its own (independent from the ears).
Best thing of all, I don’t have to embarrass myself infront of Kovo and ask for.. boobs. The model I got with skin has a plethora of shapekeys, including for turning the model into a male or female (and giving it breasts).
The person also suggests I ask ‘actual girls’ for their opinions if I feel more could be done of this skin. This idea is a double-edged sword, depending on just how supportive my friends (who are girls) would be. But why would I even ask for help, if this thing is pretty much just for me? ..Simply put, I feel with all the things I wanted– she looks like a whore/tramp/slut. A ‘feminine touch’ would be nice for the skin, to make it look a lot less ‘slut’ and more what you would normally see on a female Dutchie.
But convincing my girl friends to not feel I need help and/or overall not fully understand what I’ve been though, will be difficult.
Would they seriously believe the lie of “a friend wants my help yet she’s too shy to ask it herself. She has trust issues” without them being all “aww if she’s so shy she can come to me! I’ve been down that road, I know how it’s like. I could help. I got friends who can help her too. What’s her name?”
…Just thinking that makes me abit scared when they find out she doesn’t actually exist. So a much safer (to my reputation) alternative would be to say to myself “you know, I think it’s good enough for me”.
Honestly, this is the better option. Noone knows about this but the person that did the skin. And the less they know, the lot less embarrassing questions I’ll be forced to answer.