Before I get back to work on my project (to eventually complete the thing). I felt right now was a good time to go over some things. I feel I owe this to you folks, from my descent into madness yesterday.
First and foremost, I realize I’ve been so focused on the project’s completion that I no longer been focusing on my actual friends in VRChat who are trying their best to be there of this difficult time for me (being Jero-less).
So, I want to fix that by talking about what’s been going on outside of the project. Especially with what Malice has been recently dealing with.
I’ll start by.. one of the reasons (but not the main reason by any means) I’ve been so focused on this project’s completion. It’s pretty obvious by now if you’ve been with me since 2018. that I don’t even need to mention him by name.
Anyway, I noticed he didn’t block me in Telegram.. at least Telegram itself isn’t telling me this. Since Day 5 of the project, since I took this picture to show off I finally got him in the game and his emissions to (finally) work..
It made me really think about the project’s true purpose. “Maybe Baddee was right” kept coming to myself. I felt.. annoyed. Not for Baddee, but for.. Jero. If what happened, didn’t happen.. I wouldn’t really have been pushing myself so hard to get this project going. This thing, was originally supposed to be when he isn’t always there. Jero himself had said
it’s OK for me to feel like this. I’m not hurting anyone with it, just like Project ‘Emeriss’.
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Since I took this picture, I really wanted to message Jero. At first, I once again.. tried to change his opinion about the whole ordeal. It wasn’t until later, when reality hit me that this.. WAS my fault (despite what Malice and Baddee said that night). I began to feel remorse for what I’ve done, instead of “ok, he chose this path. It’s whatever”. No, I just couldn’t feel that. I felt the “I should’ve/shouldn’t of”‘s flooding my mind.
Deep down it still pisses me off Jero felt like this towards my friends, and wouldn’t listen to me. I’m not going to lie there. But on the other hand, it’s what he also said about how I don’t like Mibit for the way he acts. I said to myself “would you like it if Jero said this
to Mibit, trying to make you change your opinion about him??” …No. No I wouldn’t. And that’s when it finally hit me hard, that I fucked up.
But I didn’t know how to tell Jero, that I would get my point across as simple as
possible, with as little words as possible (that I was truly sorry for what I did to him). Eventually I felt “no. No. Just.. leave him alone. Maybe he just needs time”.
Started to think of another option. Mibit. I wonder if Jero’s been on since what happened. Yet why should I care? ..I care, because even though we’re not (actually) friends
anymore, I still value him as one, and care about his safety.
I talked with Mibit (ingame) about the whole ordeal. It took a long time to explain as there were a lot of things where he just suddenly assumed something that wasn’t actually happening. And I absolutely love the way he said that I “will apologize to him” (but he was still trying to understand). He now fully gets the situation, and I’ve been asking him to check up on Jero for me (but without mentioning me).. to see if he’s still OK.
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It was around Day 7 of the project when I was at Waffle House. It was sad to not be messaged by him. Just didn’t feel the same. Suddenly, words of what to say to him began flooding my mind. Since this is my fault, then why not show it? Yes it would feel
like ‘caving’ against how I feel about him towards friends who aren’t actually racist, but I had to find a way to ‘bring back the old Jero’ (and not through the project). When I got back home, I started typing a formal apology. And of course I was overly explaining myself and it went to several paragraphs of how I feel “I shouldn’t had done X. I should had
done Y instead”.
But at the same time I wanted HIM to also understand.. why in the fuck didn’t he just block them and move on?? Why block ME?! I’m not the one that’s racist! I’m your friend!
That’s when I started thinking of an alternate scenario that would be very much unlike him: yee ole “make your choice, either them.. or me.” At this point.. anything’s possible. I prayed this second, toxic version of Jero wasn’t true. Because this would prove, he was truly never my friend to begin with (over the fact he said I’m “really selfish”). NO ONE, has ever come up to me and said that to my face. And for it to be Jero of all people?!
…Now you see why I want to keep hoping and praying it’s just both of us who weren’t really thinking straight at the time, and sending this.. maybe we can resurrect our friendship.
After sending what I wanted to say (and finally giving him until my birthday to respond or I will feel by then he clearly doesn’t care about me anymore), I asked Mibit to see if he can (in a subtle manner), ask Jero if he still uses Telegram. His idea is to simply ask Jero to add him. Depending on the answer he gives him, would tell me one of three things;
1. He’s delibertly ignoring my messages/has me blocked or muted.
2. He’s uninstalled Telegram from his phone and/or laptop due to what happened (or he had to make space).
3. He simply just hasn’t checked his Telegram in a long time.
Personally, I want to say it’s the 3rd option. Because he even told me one time that he doesn’t check Telegram that often. I just don’t want to feel he’s delibertly ignoring me. I don’t know Jero to hold grudges for a long time.
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Going to the second topic I want to discuss: Malice. I’m not going to lie: I want to blame him for what happened with Jero. But at the same time I cannot, for he was just.. being himself, you know? That’s not something he can help with. Plus, Mibit said to me yesterday: “I think Malice will calm the situation down by explaining his
heavy NSFW mature adult content server”. Yet why would Malice even want to help me? Besides, he has his own issues to deal with (life/work/a BF who isn’t really following the whole rule of commitment/losing his dog/his game on ROBLOX). He doesn’t need to be dealing with the mess with Jero. Sure, he and his BF indirectly caused it, but it was still Jero’s choice of how he responded to it.
I don’t want him to get involved with this in any way. He doesn’t need the stress ontop of what he’s going through already. He’s going through what my mother’s been going through with my deceased father (for two years), with the dreams and seeing the dog there but not actually being there (and likely wishing he would just end it all). If only I could feel his pain, to properly be there for him and know what to say. But I can’t even do that for my mother.
If you want to truly know how much he misses his beloved pet, look at his profile picture.
That’s his dog. 🙁 Malice is really hurting.
And it didn’t get any better for him of what he said yesterday when I was getting help
from catboy with the project, I really wanted to be there for him but at the same time I had to focus on the project (at that time).
And THIS is why I’m making this blog post, to pause the project to say what’s been going on outside of it.. to show I still care for my friends. He lost a friend as well (via unfriending), that he had for two years. But from what I’ve seen, this friend was toxic towards Malice… this friend, was like me. Yet he said the friend wasn’t toxic. ..Yet also said that he “helped him the best I could”. But what even hurts (me), is he said to the person that he “will TRY to always be there”.
Similar to what Jero said to me, which is why it hurts. It hurts in the “I’m a bad
friend” sense. Malice doesn’t sugar coat it. Jero does, which is what I don’t like. Wrapping bullshit in a pretty bow, does not make it any better: it’s still bullshit. I just wonder
if Jero, after four years, was finally honest with me when he said I’m “really selfish”. In a way, I hope he was. Because I’ve grown out of expecting friends to always be there.
..I just wish I could grow out of the other things that make me toxic (and feel glad about it).
.
Right. That’s all I wanted to say about this.