I just can’t go a week without drama about my BF, can I? Well, this– I’ve already said that with how “this should be the last post about it” and I ‘lied’ about that.
But I believe I know what’s really going on, of why I keep running into roadblocks when it comes to my BF who cares for me a lot and wants this thing to work. Still find it really sweet of this, but the problem is it’s not working for me… when he seems almost toxic at times. Hard to believe I’m talking about this, I know. But UGH.
Do you think I enjoy doing this..?! I don’t! I still love him! I still care for him, with all my heart! ..But what he does in return in certain games (outside of VRChat), it’s an emotional rollercoaster. Thing is, I’m the one that can pull the brakes and end this. But I also know the harsh collateral damage it’ll cause to my reputation (when his friends find out) in the form of guilt trips.
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So hop aboard the rollercoaster and strap yourself down, for the journey is intense. Nevermind the journey to the top, for the coaster drops down as soon as we launch. All the way to hell.
Been playing games in Invisible mode in Steam and Discord. ..Only to avoid his desire to ask me “up for a call?” The reason is I often don’t really know what to say in it. And some of the times.. neither does he. So why call in the first place? Feels like a waste of my time and his.
So let’s begin here: Sea of Thieves is one of the games, but you all know this by now with my previous post about this. One day I wanted to give this another chance and him joining me in Chapter 2’s A Pirate’s Life campaign). We ended up going the wrong
way. I used a video to steer us to the right area.
Started doing puzzles involving rotating the tridents of three siren statues. And like what happened before.. he’s acting like he knows what he’s doing. Kind of killing the enjoyment for me. We’re supposed to go in blind and I expect him to be blown away like I am. I mean yes, he’s been there before. And in his defense, he doesn’t remember everything. But in mine, I don’t need a tour guide as a BF. I want to experience this newness for myself and not be told how to solve puzzles (unless I (or himself) asks for hints). And the writing is literally on the wall of how to solve each puzzle.
But again it’s just.. that attitude of his of acting like he knows what he’s doing (which kills my immersion) is one reason why I just prefer playing solo.
When you don’t get something, he seems pissed. When you accidentally mess up, he seems pissed. Like one time he died and I was going after the boss, and he says “hey I died over here!” I dunno. Just feels a bit toxic. And he seems quite controlling. He tells me he’s not trying to, and he’s not annoyed at me or anything like that. But it’s just so hard to
tell.
I tend to judge people’s emotions by the tone of their voices, and I can tell when someone sounds annoyed or happy with me. So I dunno if he’s lying (to not hurt me) or actually telling the truth. Just like the times when it sounds like he’s sleeping (or dozes off infront of his computer). He’ll say he’s “still here” and lie himself out of it. But what if it’s not a lie and he’s telling the truth? A bit annoying.
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Anyway, I did the second campaign myself sometime after we completed it. Enjoyed myself a lot more. I just… I dunno. I’ve been so used to playing games solo it seems that’s all I know how to do. Sure there are a few exceptions (Destiny 2 for example). But most games I enjoy playing solo.
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And that brings me to my second issue– the way he acts when we’re in the MCParks server in Minecraft. A few days ago, he actually got me the game again after explaining I lost my old account due to losing access to an old email.
It’s really nice of him that he felt sorry for me like that. That stuff helps with a relationship. But the way it seems I’d ‘repay the favor’ is the same way he acts after we get done watching a movie, with him asking “now you see why I like it?” whenever I say how much I enjoyed the ride personally to him. Instead of saying something like “that was fun, what did you think?” or “so, what did you think? Did you like it?”, he goes for that. Asking me how I liked it instead of if I liked it the way he does, would show to me he enjoys being here and doing this with me.
Plus there were a few rides he has straight up semi-spoiled the experience by telling me to look here or look there as this or that is going to happen. I mean.. hun. I get you’re trying to show me these really cool rides you’ve been on and that’s cool. But please… PLEASE let me enjoy them for myself instead of be my tour guide! I don’t need a tour guide as a boyfriend! Thanks anyways. I need someone that isn’t going to spoil things for me. And guess what? Claims he isn’t trying to! He keeps using this playing card to shut me
up.
Well I’m starting to get tired of these ‘games’. And if this keeps up, he’s going to lose (me). For the longest time I’ve been worried about losing him.. he should be worried about losing ME. And I don’t mean this as a threat. No no. This as a warning. A warning I honestly shouldn’t really be making towards my boyfriend. But I am getting tired of this. I know what I’m seeing… at least I think.
I just want him to remember, I’m his boyfriend. Not just another friend. I don’t like feeling controlled.
Only once or twice has he said “I enjoyed it”; speaking for himself instead of expecting an answer out of me. Just wish he’d do that more.
And this is why I.. just prefer to do things solo. Not saying he sucks the fun right out of the room for me, but I just wish he was more engaging.. and stop being one-sided. Simply asking me if I’d like to go to this ride or that ride, would bring us closer. It would show him that I wouldn’t mind to experience what he likes.
If this makes me ‘controlling’… then so be it. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. As I
said, I’m prepared for the fallout. Is he? ..That sounds like a threat, doesn’t it?
.
Look. Again… I want to not have to make these posts (especially something that sounds so fucking retarded to me). I just want to only focus on being happy with him. But it seems only in VRChat do I feel happy. However I feel that’s starting to wane as well.
I just don’t feel the same spark I had when we first got together. And this is likely another one of those “if I had known what I know now, I would had never agreed to this” moments in my life.
Yet at the same time I don’t want this relationship to end, at all. What he’s done for me. But it feels this thing is going nowhere fast. It’s stalled on the tracks and another train is coming to derail it (which is my hand of ‘doing the right thing’).
And if this train doesn’t start moving again soon (and I mean with zero negative feelings in my mind towards this)…
I just don’t want him to be mad at me, when the second train ‘crashes’ into this failing relationship.
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I talked this over with a friend of his (‘CEC Blender’), and he gets me. He fully understands my struggles. He knows how Wolfdog is like. But he never said I’m right or wrong about Wolf feeling ‘controlling’. Only that it has happened to him too.
Reason being, is him and Wolfdog had actually dated sometime before he(Wolf) ‘met’ me in Discord. Told me he was shocked before when he heard about us. And when he had told me about this a week or two ago, I really felt sorry for him. Though again, they were only dating. It was never official.
Sadly he never gave me any needed advice on how me and him(Wolf) can work this out.
So I’m literally back at square one here, where I myself might be forced to confront him with my own words and actions.