Usually anytime I talk about love drama with Jero (and it’s good), the next day or sometime that week.. something goes wrong. I dunno why, or how of what I write, ends up jinxing myself that I really start to question my own words.
This 3rd time I’ve dated him, I’ve been doing my damnest to keep my emotions in check. To not feel I “need” him so much and ones like that. To not feel jealous when someone hugs him and whispers sweet things to him (I’m still working on this).
Those things I’m trying to change in my life. Things I know I can change, as they’re fairly easy to do.
…But not all change is easy, when my mother wants me to change to be as bored as she
is, so I can spend the most time with the cats (and never feel they’re a ‘burden’). She wants me to throw away the life I enjoy, nomatter how much I try to tell her that I want to enjoy this life as much as I can before the day she passes away.
In ways I..I actually hope she does pass away before I do. She’s in her early 70’s. I’m in
my late 40’s. But my health is questionable.
And with this burden that would be placed upon me when she does pass away, I won’t be able to do the things I wanted to do.. such as meet Jero IRL. I really, really want to. But at the same time, I also feel scared to do so. I’m scared I’m going to feel “EWWW!!” of seeing what he actually looks like, that all of this time I’m scared I’ve been lying through my teeth.
But again, I really need to. I need to see the face of who I love behind the monitor. It needs to happen, for me to feel “yes, this is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.” To be inlove with an avatar is one thing, but to be inlove with the person controlling it is true love.
—
But why am I saying all of this? Because Jero’s friend Spoon Head, wants it to happen. He also wants me to attend my first Furry Con with him and his friends. And there is something else I recently discovered that happened when Jero visited Spoon and the others IRL last year.. they went to a gay bar. *cough*
Okay, there’s things I wouldn’t mind going to if I could, like furry cons and meeting up in another city. Those would be awesome. But eating at restaurants that I’m not familiar with and going to gay bars, I cannot.
One: I only like certain foods. And Two: I’m bi, though more on the side of liking a woman’s body than a man’s body. To attend a gay bar, no offense, would make me sick. Like, “WTF am I doing here?!” sick. I’m sorry. I couldn’t do it. I would more happily attend a bar that has both women and men. Attending a gay bar would make me very uncomfortable.
Oh yeah, I forgot. I also don’t drink. There’s that too.
But, that’s why Jero is the one for me. He understands me, and promises to not do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. He wants me to be happy, and I don’t have to worry about him leaving me. I never really did.
Yeah, he would like for me to visit Spoon and the others IRL in a Furry Con, even said he’ll take care of me. But when my mother passes away, Cleo (the cat) would have to be my main responsibility. She gets lonely, and I can’t leave her to attend a con.
Can’t be gone for an hour.. let alone 3 days (that’s typically how long a typical convention lasts, which includes travel time to and from an airport, getting to a hotel room, etc etc).
Honestly, I’m better off attending Furality (in VRChat). I won’t have to leave the
house to go to the airport. I can eat my own food IRL. And still be able to attend a furry con.
Plus, no risk of catching COVID, or needing to worry about my appearance.
..However this does come with its own issues, such as possibly needing to make my main avatar to be Quest compatible (to not lag out people). Might have to pay for a commission to get that done.
.
Whatever happens though, I know that Jero will always be there. And I’ll always be there for him. I just hope this also reflects IRL as well.
I hope for the day where I’ll be able to meet him IRL, and he’ll see the real me in person. But let’s not wish that day to come soon, for there is still plenty of time left in the world.
