I could start this on a really positive note, but this is one of those instances where I want to write the ending of the blog post first, instead of the start.
Anyway, in the afternoon after I gave Mibit the new plan, he needed time to fully understand it (kept getting it wrong). So I explained it as slow as I could and he finally got it.
A half an hour later, I saw this in our server’s tech-talk channel.
Half to say, that’s a nice looking rig. Looks like a Small Form Factor build. Mini-ATX case. AIO for his CPU. ..Probably costed him close to $2,000.
But enough of the build. My mind wasn’t on the build at the time. It was the fact this is the first time I saw him post anything since I saw him on red status. Kovo responded and thought it was cool.
…But I..I started having a ‘insanity attack’ (especially when I saw Jero offline). I said
to Mibit “You might have to start pinging him after 8pm EDT if he’s on and if he wants to join” and “He might be trying tricks of his own to deter you from watching him.” I was seriously convinced he was delibertly trying to tell me “don’t try anything, just let me go.” And that’s where the ‘insanity attack’ happened. Began losing control again, saying how he’s my everything and “why am I like this?”
Mibit said “long term friends ships can screw up a person mind for a while”. You are
right. ..You are right. But the attack wasn’t done yet when I saw I could ‘Add Friend’. I wanted.. I wanted to do it, but I could hear “NO!! DON’T DO IT!! You will fuck yourself even further!!”.. clearly I’ve lost track of reality.
I slapped myself, telling myself to wait until Mibit handles this. Finally my mind became myself again. Felt better. Just relax, and wait. Relax.. and wait. You got this.
Around 4:41pm, Jero thanks Kovo for his comment. With my mind still mine, I decide to take a gamble to see if he has blocked me in Discord. I say “Nice system, Jero.”
10 seconds later.. he says “Thanks Benie 🙂”
It was hard to really, truly describe how I was feeling when I saw that.
I went to Mibit, and said “…DUDE!! THERE’S HOPE!!!” and showing him the shocking response.
My hands, where fucking.. shaking. “I’m..I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna try to friend him. ..This PROVES he didn’t block me on Discord!!”
Sent him the request, seconds later he accepted it. After two weeks of zero contact with him, he speaks: “Hi Benie. Sorry”
My left hand wouldn’t stop shaking from the adrenaline rush. Had to use my right until I finally felt comfortable using both hands again. We discussed and discussed, and.. look I did get my answers and I am happy, but I can never forgive myself for how I’ve been acting since what happened.
My mind is filled with ‘what if’ scenarios, wanting my mind to tell me how would I respond. Such as “what if he decides to stop posting for a very, very long time? He never comes on Discord. He never messages in Telegram. What are you going to do?! Fucking kill yourself?!”
I still feel so ashamed with how.. obsessed I am to him. It is true what Mibit says, that having a long term relationship suddenly end is going to drive you insane.
….*sigh* I just, I’m always scared of losing him as a friend, because he truly means a lot to me. But where’s the ‘danger’ area to avoid crossing from ‘worried’ to ‘can’t live without him’?
I asked Kovo and he actually did help. Helped me to understand what I’m going through should not be seen as ‘obsessive’ behavior… as he’s not exactly the best to be asking
over being ‘obsessed’ himself to Nova (aka having a Nova body pillow IRL).
But he doesn’t feel shame for what he’s done. He sees it as “peace of mind” and a “safety zone”, and he wouldn’t had known all of us without that.
The 3rd thing, that all has to do with fate. Not exactly this. I could never had met Jero and still had met the others I call friends.
But maybe I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. ..Actually yes, I have. Because I
got ‘obsession’ mixed with ‘addiction’. An ‘obsession’ is badly wanting/needing something or someone you can’t have. An ‘addiction’ is wanting more of something or someone you have. So clearly this is an addiction. There’s a big difference. The fact Jero hasn’t told me to stop, maybe I shouldn’t be so concerned about this.
Plus I’m not really hurting anyone for being addicted to Jero. You know? Though a certain bear would disagree, who told me it’s “unhealthy”. By the way I’m not mad at Baddee for his opinion. I just, can never join him. He’s been on Ask Me for awhile now.
Wanted to hang out with him for awhile but, I tend to avoid people on Ask Me (unless it’s someone I really want (or need to) see).
Well, time to talk the more funny (and not really funny) stuff that happened after this thing.
==============================================================
“I’m surrounded by horny!”
==============================================================
I really, really wanted this to be a segment title as it was so funny. Jero was AFK for a long time and Mibit decides to start jacking off infront of the mirror. So I run upstairs not wanting to hear it, and.. there are two people near spawn ERPing. Omg. I couldn’t escape the fucking chaos Told Mibit there’s two people ERPing and all he did was laugh. God what a mess that was.
==============================================================
“Go to bed, Jero!”
==============================================================
It was approaching 11pm and apparently this is Jero’s new bedtime. I had to use the bathroom and thankfully I came back at the perfect time. I hugged him and did what I usually do to wish him goodnight (and also glad we’re back together as friends).
But Jero started doing his usual “let’s see how far I can stretch this” headgames of not going to bed, making excuse after excuse why he couldn’t click the ‘EXIT VRCHAT’ button. Kept telling us how tired he was getting yet “ahh man, I can’t click the button! It’s out of reach!”
Also there were so. many. people in the world!! Of course it was a Friday night, so it’s to be expected. But Jero kept refusing to go to bed. We kept promising him the moon and it seemed he was getting ready to leave.. but he wouldn’t. At this point.. “the exit button has changed to ‘X material’. I cannot click on it.”
But nearly an hour later when we’re both getting fed up trying, Jero finally hops off and I’m all “he’s GONE!! :D” and Mibit celebrates. ..But little did we know as we were thinking of hopping off ourselves (as I have issues I need to fix with my Drex thanks to the big update and the two ‘patches’),
…yes, he came back on! Here I thought it was another blue and black faded otter until I heard the voice and saw the name. What a fucking TROLL!! Dag nabit Jero, GO TO
BED!! 😂🤣 If I had Join Notifier on, he wouldn’t had been able to troll us so well. 😛
But he finally (and I do mean finally) went to bed. Mibit and I weren’t so sure and I had this thought of going to spawn and waiting to see if he shows back up. Thankfully he was true to his word.
But instead of myself applying the fix I got from Blender (who was in the world with me at the time) as the tongue is broken yet again for the Rexouium. Hell I haven’t had time to apply the fixes. There’s also grab issues with JeroWorks 3.0 I need to address (that I hope just updating the SDK should fix).